Thank You

What can you say to that
That you love so much
That that love can never have enough to express?

It’s
Thank you
Very much
For you
The way
You are.

——

My nephew’s recent death has taught me one biggest letting go.

When my father died, I cried little knowing that with his illness he would not survive for long. I was kind of prepared for his passing away. Yet when my nephew got an accident and got unconscious on Jul 29, I was shocked; and when hearing that he passed away the next morning, the feeling was mixed between sadness and regret.

The shock that he left us in young age with many dreams to reach and the regret that many things were not yet expressed to him were two immediate realities to face.

He was 22, very handsome, very kind hearted, talented artist, great entertainer in family and around friends, had a lot of dreams, had a lot of fixed plans with me and his cousins (yes, they are my best young friends to explore life). What’s more from a young man can have than those?

What regrets do I have?

I should have told him that I loved loved loved him soooo much although he was just a nephew and not a son. I should have told him that I had much much much more money to give him everything he needed although it was not my responsibility to give him anything. I should have brought him to Jazz Gunung Bromo with Arya although he and Ocka hadn’t got booster shot. I should have told him that all trips were purchased and he just had to pack. I should have done this. I should have done that.

I won’t forget how he checked now and then whether my illnesses were gradually cured, reminded me to take medication religiously, sent me my mother’s candid pictures, sent his picture eating or just dancing foolishly, reminded me to buy his favourite perfume once a year (he loved Hugo Boss), and so on and so forth all those simple gestures that I love the most about people.

Many especially his parents regret his death yet I believe that his passing away in one prime time is an achievement. He had made many people happy. He had entertained people the best he could. He hadn’t made too many mistakes. He hadn’t regretted a lot of things. He hadn’t misled too many people with wrong life messages. The timing was just the best!

After several days our tears are getting less and less, the torture of holding on has changed to the bitter sweet reality of releasing a beloved that departs to a better place. Our family has learnt good lessons from what he had brought as a self in life. We thank him. We bless him. We so much love him.

Good things about and by him are disclosed after his death. Hundreds of friends and acquaintances attending every day of his funeral reception (1st to 7th day after the funeral day in Javanese tradition) told short and long stories about his fun, kind hearted, witty, hilarious, generous, somewhat crazily fun nature. How could he be that selfless with his limited resources? That itself has put us in a better feeling, accepting that his life was never wasted.

His videos and pictures are scattered everywhere in social media uploaded and shared by family and hundreds of friends and acquaintances so when we miss him, we just click a link and good memory is beautifully played.

2023 has brought me a lot of lessons of letting go yet this one is the biggest and the hardest.

I thank this boy for being part of my life for the past 22 years. I have no regret of being his best friend at the same time his selfish aunt.

I thank him for loving me in his way with all his wit, laughter, surprises, and sweetness.

I thank him for teaching me how to forgive the unforgivable and forget the unforgettable.

I love you so much and let you go.

Thank You, God for giving me the life in which I learn about loving and letting go, accepting and giving and contributing, all with joy and in joy.

Salaam.

he loves Bali so much and wanted to live there — this was our trip to Bali in Dec 2022 that should be repeated next Sep to celebrate my birthday 💕 cancelled ♥️

he was to fly to Bali on Aug 1, two days after he passed away — in his last trip to Bali with me and his cousin Ocka he said “let’s get back next year” so I will get back to Bali to tell his beloved island that he is passing away, back home where he is residing in paradise — thank you, boy for being you in the life of this self, you’re so much loved and remembered 💕

we are not mourning anymore — we are celebrating his life truly 💕