Missing Pixels

Missing you is losing some pixels from mind; life becomes less vibrant.

missing you

A Loving Visit

A loving visit beyond time and space. Salaam. Universe answers.

about the museum
beloved
beloved
beloved
when you’re loved, people still visit you even when you’re nowhere 💝
when you’re loved, you’re taken care of even when you’re nowhere
beloved – visiting him with love, see you again
beloved – visiting him with love, see you again

Love Diaries in A Library

This life is a library
Keeping all collections,
Reference to public,
Exclusive to a lover,
One lover.
The
Beloved—

Read,
Beloved
Any scrolls
In this library.

Read,
Lover
The diaries
In the secret dungeon.

Read,
Beloved
With naked eyes, or
With any glasses on the shelves.

Read,
Lover
Through letters and numbers,
Shapes and colours.

Read,
Beloved
This library is open
As long as you are awake.

Read,
Lover
Before you sleep
When I’ll be reading you through.

my earlier diaries are true stories through naked eyes; the later are colours, shapes, numbers, words in various styles and figures of speech needing some tricks and tips to sense layers of meanings and information — we are all writers, librarians and readers 💝

About the photo

Taste

How many tastes can she experience in joy? 5 or 7?

Realising that the best taste is not any of those 5 or 7; the best taste is only 1: to love. 😊

Days of love be like…

well done beef
sate kambing (lamb skewer)
ayam geprek (smashed chicken)
nasi rames (combined dish riced)
gado-gado (vegetables in peanut sauce)
lumpia sayur (vegetable spring rolls)
pisang goreng (fried banana)
the baked and cherry
the baked and blueberry
mango 💝 and pumpkin seeds

Heaven & Earth

Does heaven and earth exist other than in a lover’s smile? Yes. Dream.

although not there, I still seek heaven and earth in you through my dream 🥰 happy new year to the other time zones until every spot on earth is covered by Jan 1, 2023

3 1st on Jan 1st

There is always first.
A tree greeting breeze and sky
Comes from minute seed.

1st breakfast to make
1st movie to (re)watch in 2023 – an energizing movie! always love Sandra Bullock
1st chore while 1st movie rewatch after 1st breakfast completed — more 1st things on Jan 1st of 1st long weekend in 2023 — i’m gonna love 2023 much 💗

Year by Year (Life Long Resolution)

Thank you, 2022 for every single second spent together. You are a stronger part of what I’ve been building with love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And thanks to all years passing, too. I’ll miss you. 💝

Life is wonderful that she is eager about it and is willing to expand and to keep up with what she is becoming. She is the pilot, she is the plane. She is the destination, she is the direction. She is the standard, she is the conformance. She is the alignment, she is the aligned. She is enough.

It is not others’ responsibility that she feels good or not good. The feel existing is because she allows it to be. And the vice versa.

2023, be my excellent canvas of feel-good-no-matter-what. Clarity, sufficiency, integrity as in good life, beautiful love, genuine laughter 💗

Alfatihah.

💝

3 buceng (tumpeng) kuwat mini for today’s end of year blessing 💝
this type of buceng/tumpeng is made of sticky rice and grated coconut cooked in palm sugar; it is a buceng served in Javanese traditional ceremony for health and strength in physical, mental and spiritual — made it mini so i could enjoy it for today’s portion of breakfast, lunch and dinner 💝

About tumpeng or buceng (in Bahasa Indonesia)

clarity, sufficiency, integrity as in good life, beautiful love, genuine laughter
DC said “hey, 7! stop the call, firework is ready!” DC and I worked in the same office and stayed in the same rented house strictly for ladies, belonging to a rich Maduranese family in Greater Jakarta – the family always threw New Year celebration with some of us in the huge garden between their mansion and the rented house – we both were always excited because we never liked going out with some other ladies to celebrate it outside 🥰 oh my! it was me in the year 2002 welcoming 2003, calling my mother in new year’s eve from my Nokia 😀
waking up on Jan 1, 2003 morning in DC’s bedroom (hers was #4) that was full with stuffed animals — we probably only slept for 1 hour before she woke us up “ladies, wake up! pose before you even bath and brush your teeth, i will go develop the pictures today as new year’s gift for you all” and it is a true gift in 2023 for me 😂 thanks, DC! love from where i am 💝

Sky’s Blessing in Uluwatu

Rain is a blessing
From the sky before starting
Journey to the north.

Me: Boys, the rain seem to stay heavy. Boys, are you ok?

Nephews: Yes, it is fun! We just want to pee again!

Me: Don’t pee on your pants ya.

What a conversation!

heavy rain + heavy wind the whole day which only stopped right before until almost after Tari Kecak show, hundreds of human beings from different parts of the globe experienced the same happening that might result in different memories— a nostalgic one with these boys, splashing our bodies and bags in hugs with blessing sky water 🥰
the start of show, the blessing water took a break
in Javanese and Balinese tradition Rama and Sinta is a couple adopted to depict true love — in my opinion, no! I think it was boring to be a wife of a great (almost) perfect king so Sinta purposely put Rama in a love trial to test his love by letting herself be in a kidnap trial without fighting back against the kidnapper and all its drama 😄
Rahwana came in his own buta (giant) form to kidnap Sinta and he failed
Sinta was kidnapped by an old weak polite beggar who was actually Rahwana
Jatayu, the bird that visited Sinta in Alengka’s palace
Anoman Obong — in Javanese and Balinese culture Anoman is considered a monkey demigod who is very very very old butq energetic in moves and young in heart 💗 fyi, “Anoman Obong” scene should be with sunset background in normal weather 💗
almost the end of show, restart of blessing water from the sky

Love

Perennially
Love celebrates all seasons
Cycle by cycle.

finally got pink lilies; back light makes it darkly perfect 💝
have a nice weekend from pink lilies 🙂
all about perspective; seeing absence as a potential is like a bud of lily before opening the petals happily, even like a bulb of lily before springing before the winter is spinning away

Friends & Love Stories (ranting)

See this pendulum
Swinging between two far poles
Knowing each other—

Someone called me and asked if we could have a dinner. We hadn’t met for many years. Knowing this person was in Singapore, I excitedly agreed to meet. Meeting this person, I was given a shock. This person looked weary and older than one’s age. The excellent appearance and posture was totally gone. That time I felt so blessed for for being me.

Me: I am not a marriage advisor, dear. Not even ever married yet! (That’s after a very long ranting from the friend stopped).

SO: But I know you are the most suitable one I can talk to.

Me: Oh…. (damn wrong, whispered to myself)

SO: …. A broken marriage… !@#$%^&*()_+=-::’<>,./?~~~~~~~~~~ What should I do?

Me: Oh…. (proven wrong talking to me, whispered to myself)

SO: …. Divorce is painful…. !@#$%^&*()_+=-::’<>,./?~~~~~~~~~~ What should I do?

Me: Oh…. Ummm (starting to show sympathy) I understand how you feel in this situation. Must be painful. Your own stress, the other one’s stress, your children, other people’s impression and words about you, your work….. Everything seems not at your side. I can understand you feel unwanted, useless, bad, irresponsible. Yet decision was made. You just should face it. How? Not sure if my word is reasonable and responsible but I think you just need to keep being you: working as before, doing activities that are still accessible, talking to your children like before, talking to your ex about the children….

SO: You don’t know! It is not that easy!

Me: Oh…. I am so sorry. I might not fully understand it is not that easy. I am so sorry for my ignorance. (told ya I am not the right person, whispered to myself)

SO: How would you survive alone all this time? You seem so happy with your life. Sometimes I regret for getting married too young. Look at you and X and Y and Z. All the singles are happy.

Me: (Oh! A sudden death! I know this would come but too soon, too soon. Let me find the right words. Whispered again to myself ) Ummm…. I think it is not that easy too…. Ummm…. I am happy, yes. Not always, but most of the time I am. Yet I also probably started hard.

SO: You don’t seem ever in hard time.

Me: That’s what you see. !@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@&%%%%%%%%%%%%%.

this is there, whoever the person is

SO: So do you think I can survive?

Me: Of course. Although our problem is not the same, I am sure you can. Don’t underestimate your ability to cope with the hardship of life. You are stronger than you think. You just don’t know it yet.

forgive yourself, don’t be too harsh to self (talk to the hand, Ma’am) 😝

SO: You really don’t want to get married?

Me: (This question I never like, never like, never like; whispered to myself, but need to find the best words that won’t cause any further question.) This is out of context; you should not ask me this question. Not that I don’t want. It’s just about time.

SO: Do you fall in love?

Me: Ok, now you are asking me question about me.

SO: I feel good when knowing I am not alone.

Me: (Make sense, but why me oh my God!) Ok. Ok. I can make you feel better. Yes I fall in love and break my heart. And I don’t want to break my heart again.

SO: So you don’t want to fall in love again?

Me: Of course not like that. I fall in love again and again.

SO: With whom?

Me: With my eyes. With my lips. With my hair. With my morning. With my job. With my…. (I saw the person got annoyed but I continued with more things) Hahaha….

fall in love, be in love, don’t be ashamed of your feeling; it is a blessing although the beloved doesn’t care —not good enough one— or doesn’t know —tell or leave as simple as that 🙃

SO: Is it that easy?

Me: Nothing is easy automatically. It takes practice and time.

SO: What if I don’t get married again in the future?

Me: That’s too far away. Think about what you can do today.

SO: Do you think I still have a chance to get married?

Me: Of course if you want! Just find the right person.

SO: How can I find it? How?

Me: (Oh my God, help me before I can help others. Whispered to myself while finding the best words for this troubled person; even an intelligent person can be as dumb as this in one’s bad time) Hey, hey! If I know how to get the right person, I would have been married much earlier. This question is irrelevant.

SO: Hahaha……! Sorry, sorry! Hahaha……..!

Me: (Ok, at least I made you happy, whispered to myself. Mostly smiling among listening to the ranting, I enjoyed a perfect night — no rain, enough breeze…. Hours can feel like minutes…. On and on and on and on until midnight. Whispered to myself.) Cinderella has to go home, my friend. Or else, she will be back to be Cendrillon.

been there done that and not anymore

SO: I feel so much better. It feels like I find myself again. Maybe I was too preoccupied with not important things that I thought I lost the person I had known so long, myself.

Me: I might be like that in the same situation, maybe worse.

SO: Thank you very much.

Me: (I didn’t do anything. Just sat down and listened and responded to you. Whispered to myself for how many times heaven knows) The least I can do. It is good to meet long lost friend. Welcome back.

there is always reason to be happy; make it! it takes time but your happiness is the ultimate goal of your life; self align!

Dear friend, I know you’ll read this with a smile. Get better. See you some day. When meeting me again, make sure you look nicer.

Lesson learnt: Be patient with those facing fresh-from-the-oven problem. Don’t judge. Be a good listener. Don’t try to be a perfect advisor because you are not. Be yourself. Don’t get offended, someone in trouble may unintentionally disturb you.

Love Songs

She hums rhythms that no one can enjoy
But those hearing the thin breeze
In the falling dusk.

She recites rhymes that no one can feel
But those touching beads of dew
In the brightening dawn.

Not sending wishes anymore
As whispering is louder in her own ears.
Intention might be misunderstood.

Not delivering messages anymore to you
As journaling is clearer to her own mind.
Linguistic might be multi-interpreted.

She sings love songs sweetly
To re-orchestrate in many genres with the paradise green birds
She keeps safe gently in heart.

She rewinds her heart slowly
To become millions of forever notes turning into eternal air
She meditates sacredly in silence.

How beautiful love is with love songs
Unheard!

this heart is loaded with notes of love songs that can be played only by those in love with each and every second ticking on the clock ⏳

Quarter

Life is a quarter
With many doors to access.
Ever rendezvous—

me, Mel the mother of groom and Choo photographed when we were having good time after the wedding matrimony 💝 souls meet for a good reason, no bad reason at all 😘

Love Is

Love is not fading.
Love is distancing away
From shooting stars
Hurting a peaceful land.

Dear, shooting stars.
Dance.
Fly.
Free fall.
Father of Sky will redirect you
To another land who is willing to be hurt
Or
Simply re-orbit you to safer route.

Gaia is well protected from outer orbits by Jupe the Jupiter; sadly the children are damaging her – you are blessed, Mother Earth 💝

Wedded

When two are wedded,
The rest are singing, wishing
Brighter days and nights.

I attended my nephew’s wedding matrimony today. Mike looked stunning, and so did Vera.

Hearing their wedding vows was mixture of fun and heartwarming feelings — two poles apart met by destiny. 💝

Tante Rike happy for you, Mike
😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
congrats, Mike and Vera! 😘
💝
😘💝😘

Smile

Smile, Beloved, smile.
It’s a luxurious gift
For you and for me.

I was checking my educational docs and was in awe to see my photos in each of different docs. How I am touched by physical transformation and what experiences attached to it, that makes me stay loyal with my own self whatsoever.

Tell yourself that your life is a journey that if you need buddy, you should pick those willing to share wonder. Otherwise, travel alone. 💝

Thank you!

💝

sleepy, angry, yet stop telling me to take a nap! 😂😂😂
classroom, my party time; playground, my party time, my childhood was everyday party! 👯‍♀️
no smile, no mercy 😃
length of hair defines how I treat the world; i love my pretty silly me! 😃

Love & Luck

My love is mostly dumb, stubborn, too thin to see, and makes you hate me.

My luck is often loud, sudden, too huge to miss, and makes me love you.

I’m not a gambler, yet think you’re a dice rolling numbers for a prize.

my love and luck grows for and bows to you

Rindu Adalah

Rindu itu
Sebutir berlian tak diasah
Teronggok begitu saja
Menanti pengasah berputar.
Tak ada yang mau.

Rindu itu
Sebiji nanas madu tak dikupas
Tergeletak di atas meja
Menanti pisau mengiris.
Tak ada yang mau.

Rindu itu
Setangkai kembang api mati
Terbujur kaku di dalam wadah
Menanti pemantik menyala.
Tak ada yang mau.

Rindu itu
Kabut tipis tentangmu
Tebal menyelimuti kaca
Menanti cuaca berganti.
Mau tak mau.

Rindu itu
Bukan tentang kamu yang lupa.
Rindu itu
Tentang aku yang tak ingat.
Mau tak mau.

Rindu itu
Rindu ini.
Sibuk sendiri
Hingga ia puas bermain
Lalu menggandengmu pergi.
Kau harus mau.

flowing river, stay in me…. loving to be home