Generous Nature

Lily bulbs come back
Among red leaves in autumn.
Second chance from Her—

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What is second chance? Once again? Or again and again like lily bulbs that come back every autumn and bloom beautifully until forever ends?

spider lily near cemetery

Mother Nature has taught me that mistake doesn’t come with punishment; it comes with lesson to be a better human being, someone who has purer intention and clearer attention. She consistently brings messages about acceptance that no one will be perfect as imperfection is an included package to realise and/or materialise perfection. That welcoming the next good day is doing the best today. That if the next now called tomorrow is here, the second chance has welcome me to be a better me. A me that’s more me than before—

I remember my Kyoto trip in 2014, my first encounter with spider lily. Fascinated, I sat down on the grass for quite long time in front of a temple with my camera until a beautiful Japanese (old) lady stopped by me.

“Hana! Hana! Hana!” She said smiling, with her thumbs pointed to the lily then to my camera.

“Ya! Ya! Ya! Thank you! Beautiful flowers!”

It was a surprise for me. A moment with no preparation. A short act with no anticipation. She just went away with her wise old smile.

That lady was probably sent to me as a second chance to re-define what possibly a Japanese truly looks like as the previous week I didn’t have a good experience with another one in Nagano.

I won’t probably meet with her again, yet enough for me to know that when I’m that age, I’d like to be as friendly and warm as her. 💝

Thank you for everything that comes with second chance, even second chance after my second chance so that in the second second chance I realise that it is my second chance not to be missed.

Al-Fatihah for all those who miss the second chance and those who are waiting for a second chance.

Salaam….

spider lily at the rice field – I haven’t seen it in my country, worth trying

Both pictures are borrowed from https://www.japanvisitor.com/japanese-culture/seasons/higanbana

Self Worth

That you feel
Better,
Smarter,
Luckier,
Richer,
Prettier
Than others

Might
Not
Be
Self worth,
Beloved.

—————————————————————

Today’s discussion with some friends was about self worth. One head, one point of view—

My own understanding about self worth has evolved. Its turning point was in 2009 after a broken heart. World was ruined. Hope was (almost) zero. The worst was the way I was cut from the relationship; it made me feel of having no self worth. It was a time of emotionally shutting down like an un-charged computer; functional intellectually and physically but not emotionally— zombie in the making.

Dumbest young me!

I thought self worth was when I was do things better than others. Or, knowing more than others. Or, given a lot of things out of the blue as if winning lucky draws again and again. Gaining financial freedom and material things. Or feeling prettier than others (this one very seldom) at least prettier than Bob, my cat.

What is self worth in my system?

— self worth is about utilitarianism. Miriam Webster dictionary says utilitarianism is a doctrine that the useful is the good and that the determining consideration of right conductshould be the usefulness of its consequences; specifically a theory that the aim of action should be the largest possible balance of pleasure over pain or the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

If I’m good. So what? What have I done for my own self at the same time for others by being good, smart, lucky, financially independent?

If being good, smart, lucky, financially independent doesn’t bring benefits to others; where’s my worth? Is worth to self not enough, said someone. Not wrong; if the perspective of ‘self’ is about taking. In fact, life is always about giving and taking, or taking and giving.

“The best of people are those that bring most benefit to the rest of mankind,” said Islamic wisdom. It is equivalent with “urip iku urup” in Javanese wisdom.

Lo! No matter what people perceive about me as long as I do good to my own self and surrounding with good will, so be it.

May all beings be happy. 🪶

books to be shipped to Yogyakarta, for one of my best friends who opens a library in a small village 💝 I’m happy that what I read will be utilised for others’ good. 🐣

Love Lives Life

This breeze blows gently
Sending a dowry of Life
From Love, sincerely.

—————————————————-

Breathe…. It’s what Life has shown that Love still wants to live.

Salaam. 🙏🏼

thanks for the breathing and the breath 💝

Forever

A strand of white pearls
Harvested in the deep sea
Bedazzles her neck.

————————————————————

There is time when I regret of what’s done and nervous about what will happen. Why did I do that? I should have done this. What if I fail again? I am not good enough.

I used to think money was everything with happiness but I prove that money is the biggest illusion in life that I misunderstood. Now I consider money should be merely a tool, never a purpose. Yet I still think of what if my company stock price decreases? 😁

I used to look for happiness and protection in a relationship. With experiences I become strongly convinced that only a healthy relationship with the self can help me cope with problems; moreover, without healthy relation with my self any relationship with others won’t work well. Yet I still don’t heal from broken heart easily and still think whether or not I will meet someone I can share some simple happiness and shelter with.

I was between life and death situations more than once for some illness before, and so helpless about future. And gradually I realise that death can come anytime even when people are healthy. Yet I still hope I die when I let go of any confusion and live in clarity.

However, there is time when I know that only in the now I can accept everything. In the now I can shed tears with mixture of gratefulness for what’s breaking my heart and blessings of what’s boosting the quality of life. In the now I can smile just by seeing piling laundry waiting for ironing. In the now I can see the canvas is the door of self healing. In the now I can imagine sending a cake full of love for my loved ones who live in many different places, whom I cannot visit with many reasons. In the now I can see shades of real and true happiness in each and every experience from wake up to sleep.

Thank you for the now and now and now that form a strand of pearls called forever.

I live forever until the last now meets with the first now.

Al Fatihah to all of my loved ones across the oceans. I bless you happiness.

Salaam….

back on track, contemplating with colours
do things with love, the definition of love? enjoying good things to the fullest or, in bad time enjoying the process with patience 💝
thank you, Emily for the message 🪶🙏🏽

Harvesting Generation (ranting)

Harvest is to reap
What’s nurtured from the nature.
Good plans might not work.

————————————————————-

Last weekend was one of the merrier offs. Meet up with friends in different places + online conversation with best friends did draw interesting facts about how they apply parenting.

I’m against those who consider children as investment. This mindset is broadly believed where I was raised. This old concept has poorly discouraged many of us to grow as we are.

Many children from my time feel that their success should be to fulfil what their parents want as the investors who often time consider financial support is paramount, not to actually use their own ideal dreams to contribute to society as an individual with their unique ID and personality.

No, I don’t deny how important formal education is for modern human beings. And so financial support -normally from parents in my society- should be highly appreciated by those who enjoy the privilege. Yet the financial support should not make children become economically vulnerable against their parents.

In the other hand children must know parents -assumed as the major or primary support before living independently- get old and need support in their retirement and so those elderly should be well taken care of. This should be a form of respect and responsibility, not an abusively forced task.

Good parents should know it is a responsibility to prepare children to be responsible human beings; good children should know it is a responsibility to support parents in retirement time. 💝

It is not easy to deal with parents who don’t give room or give very thin chance to bridge gaps of many topics. One of the significant result is these children fail managing their own future plans: losing the chance to work in a dreamed place, missing the chance to live abroad, getting married with someone they don’t love or being single for not getting approval to get married with the loved ones, and so on and so forth. I’m one of those 😝

When one best friend said she wanted her son to be so and so but the son shown his rebel, I couldn’t resist myself to not say “Do you remember why you are now still there?”

She laughed and said,”Ok, ok thanks for reminding me. But you are not married. haven’t been a parent, haven’t had children that’s why you can say that easily…..! You would be disappointed if your children grow not up to your expectation. You would never want them to live below your standards. They should be the one materialising parents’ dreams that are missed. What would you say, my dear?”

Damn! She might be right!

However, how would parents expect children to be what the parents failed to be? Don’t they think children will fail to do so as well with the same style of parenting parents copy from grandparents (who failed in the first hand)? 😫

Please forgive me, best friend. Can’t always agree with but respect your stance. If I have children, I won’t lazily apply the dictatorship or transactional relationship. 👍🏽😘

I thank God to be single in this situation although I have smaller hope to “harvest my own next generation”. I’m quite happy that my brothers (and some crazy good friends) allow me to love their children as an open-minded aunt cum good friend when they need to have fun smart discussions. 🥰

May all beings be happy.

the cause of crop failure might be flood, 😫
or draught, or any other reason like…
this and the gang, or….
THIS 😖

The Estuary

Rivers change their flows,
Meet salt, join tides, become sea
In an estuary.

—————————————————————

Eyes are a lagoon where tears are gliding through to the ocean of realities before evaporating then giving up what’s not serving anymore and turning grief into spirit to achieve the next milestones.

Soul is what’s peeping out through two windows, zooming in and out of what life presents to the self, finding the best view with accuracy and precision to gain clarity.

There won’t be anything wasted. All is flowing, without stopping. Like rivers that keep moving from soft to fast flows before finally joining a vast ever-moving force named the sea.

May all beings be happy. 💝

an estuary in Sempu Island, East Java – a hidden gem, hope it stays (relatively) hidden 💝

Sensing Softest Move

A dust falls on lake,
Minute ripples pulse softly.
Sensitivity—

—————————————————————

You’re not exaggerating, Beloved. It is the sensitivity amplified, with the quietness of the mind.

And it is not a disturbance anymore. It is a greeting to remind that you’re not alone.

May all beings be happy.

“Rippling Along” by Jack Wolf

Picture borrowed from http://photography blogger.net

Beautifully Wounded

She’s dancing freely
Between needles of the rain.
Wounds in a bright soul—

—————————————————————

She loves rain as much as she adores rainy days. It reminds her of millions of water needles sharply in high speed falling on earth, different parts of earth.

Heart rain washing a rainforest is a blessing, flood in Jakarta tortures many stray animals and the underprivileged.

It’s not the pain, Beloved. It’s what’s left after suffering.

Are you still beautiful?

May all beings be happy.

snowdrops after heavy rain

Picture is borrowed from https://wallpaperaccess.com

Friendly Green

This life, Beloved,
Needs greenery and friendship
To stay beautiful.

————————————————————

Someone can’t truly live without dreams. Dreams make days clear with focus and full of energy, nights calm with focus and full of serenity.

Simple dreams will do; as simple as doing daily gardening on a small courtyard garden and veggies garden around a house that is hosting simple rendezvous of family and good friends, cooking, teaching free language classes and life skill or tips of management or leadership to those who need, traveling light to places friendly to weaker body, sharing how life is so broad and deep with those who care.

Come true. Come true. Come true. 🐣

Wake up! All is still on paper. Go back to work! 😃

May all beings be happy. 💝

No Distance Ever Be

Distance, Beloved,
Isn’t how far you’re from me.
It’s how soft the voice
Can reach your heart. These whispers
Slide through the space of the rain.

—————————————————————-

Have a good weekend! 🌱

Lily, Salt Or Drop of Ocean?

They gild the lily,
Making them salt to the sea.
Ocean in a drop—

———————————————————-

When I was very young, I could desperately envy those who were physically beautiful, intelligently wise and, spiritually mature at the same time. How could people be blessed with such full readiness to face the complex life and completeness to address its various issues? I’m sure I wasn’t alone; many human beings were on the same boat with me.

Yet getting older has helped me not want anything but more consistently feeling comfortable to be my own self and realising that those perfect people only looked perfect because they were perceived through imperfect eyes (my young ones 😉).

Proofs and revelation then taught me acceptance to live with limitation, imperfection and physical flaws. In many ways I’ve seen blessings in me more than the perfect.

Being ordinary has saved me from getting high demands to be a gorgeous woman who should move gracefully in front of the crowd, a pious person who should perform religion disciplinedly or a wise friend who should give good advices when needed anytime. I’m blessed!

Being ordinary has driven me to live with only two goals: to enjoy being my own self and to do what’s best in life to be as much beneficial in my short life. With not much to choose, life is forced to be the integration between persistence and dedication, a commitment of body, mind and soul.

Fortunately being flawed is like an ocean. Ocean is full of beauty especially the deeper the diver is willing to explore; like Captain Nemo who found beauty in the depth of the sea that wasn’t witnessed by those who never traveled in Nautilus. However, thousands of cubics of any possible wastes are also dumped to the vast water: plastics, oil, waste water, many kinds of garbage and probably millions of memories drawn by broken hearts. A perfect beauty full with paradox!

Rumi reminds through one of his verses “You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop”. A perfection in imperfection—

Truly an existence is perfect when with natural flaws and complete acceptance.

Nothing is more blessed than accepting one’s own self and taking care of one along the journey.

Summary of today’s conversation with my best friend 🐣

May all beings be happy 💝

be perfume, even best eyes can’t see but good nose can smell

Be Willing To Be Reborn

Rebirth, Beloved,
Rose budding after winter,
Welcoming her spring

—————————————————————

A long lost friend texted me yesterday and asked if I could accompany her to buy sari and some Indian accessories for Deepavali Day celebration in the school where she is now working. Of course I made myself available. And we agreed to meet in Little India at 6pm which I missed. We both met at 6:30pm.

This friend was gone as if evaporating in 2017. Contacted, no reply, not even delivered. My last message to her in 2019 was “Are you still alive?”

Out of the blue she texted me using a new number in 2020 “How are you, friend? I miss you. Let’s meet up.” We were supposed to meet in October 2020 but never happened.

It was a cool rendezvous! We browsed the market to find the most beautiful yet the cheapest sets of costumes for the will-be-merry celebration.

At 9pm we decided to enjoy our dinner in one Indian restaurant before going home. And there she told me why she didn’t meet anyone of us. Now I become more and more convinced that the brightest person can have the darkest time in life. Luckily there’s a light at the end of the darkest tunnel if one is willing to move forward, not quitting.

We’ve been born as a human baby; and we can be reborn as anything good if we want to. One of the best is to be reborn as a new hope with good friends around!

The decision is ours.

May all beings be happy. 💝

a perfect combination of blue and green
pretty Indian kameez
dangling earrings!
bangles!
necklaces!
excitement brought some henna painting 🥰 first of mine in life, will have another one some day! 🎉
dangling sets for clearance (3 pairs for SGD10!) I took one pair, my friend 2! 🥰 pretty!

Breathe The Life

Flow to the ocean,
Swim in the sea of blessings.
Experience life.

—————————————————-

Who doesn’t like good smell? Not necessarily perfume, yet perfume is one most common celebrated fragrance other than food—

While many perfume brands provide the customers with their concoction of scents, there are two prominent brands offering different ways of how they sell their collections.

One brand is making the perfumes following customers’ taste or favourite scents after some discussion. The assistant will go in to their “lab chamber” and go back after a couple of minutes presenting a bottle of perfume as what have been discussed. I love the rose that I chose— some orange as too note with rose in the middle and no base.

Another brand is even more transparently doing it. They spread bottles of many kinds of oil that are categorised in 3 perfume notes: top, middle and base. The customers are free to choose which and how many percents of each of them they want to have in the concoction. To me it’s an interesting experience, making me think of how my scent last: light, heavy, long lasting or not. Once the customers decide, the assistant will go to a lab corner open to the guests. The assistant will measure and weigh how much of those 3 notes are wanted. Customers can talk to her/him and try on the weighed mixture before finally they are ok with the customised fragrance. Some minutes later….

Tada! A bottle of a “perfume signature” is produced!

Another interesting feature: customers are allowed to engrave a 4-to-6-character word on the bottle! For free!

It’s like experiencing “I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand.”

Welcome, next week.

she is concocting a signature perfume for a customer

Moment To Simply Live

Life pace, Beloved
Chosen wisdom, loved glory
Of everyday life—

————————————————

I wish to retire at 52 and will be a person with not too many layers of identity, being a human being living a slower-paced life, contributing to smaller society and community with my own hands with all my heart and soul, respected as I am I am not as I am who is associated to prominent organizations.

One of good friends reminded me to get prepared for that will definitely be a much different life. There won’t be luxurious facilities enjoyed, privilege given, smiles and hand shake or bow. She says it’s gonna be a true life though loved and respected by those with genuine love and respect. No transactional courtesy, all is about friendship and humanity.

When? Still long time to go but short enough because now I live in a fast-paced life.

Time to prepare.

Once retired, I won’t want to be in contact with those who have respected me because of business or money. They should be eliminated from friendship. They will deserve others who have the capacity.

May all beings be happy. 💝

next one week flower arrangement
enjoy the moment
extended appreciation to those in my heart
someday flowers will be daily life for me, not weekly anymore

Happy Journey

Birthday, Beloved,
One step closer to the gate
To a rendezvous

———————————————————-

It’s my mother’s 77th birthday and she looked so happy when I called through my little brother’s phone. A happy day for all of us finding that she’s still happy and healthy in this age.

She’s a lady of the house. She’s respected by family and neighbours because of her kindness. She’s cheated though by the greed. She’s loved by her children at the same time official enemy of all of them at certain time. I personally have a shade of rivalry against her, she did envy me how I would be closed with and always got constant support from my father. 😂

My friends want to be like her but I don’t. I don’t want to be like her because her life was too tough. She was born in a period of war, raised mostly without a father and be given a lot of ups and downs in her personal journey. Lucky that she was married to a humble, kind, hard working man and they became one of the best couples in our humble world.

Happy birthday, Ibu. I wish you happiness. 💝 Long happy life! See you at our dining table on your 78th birthday. 😘😘😘😘😘😘

Lots of love as always,

Your daughter (stubborn yet sweet) 😊

this is yours, Ibu
this is mine!!!

Light Weekend

This heart is a pot
With seed buried in its dark,
Growing to the light.

————————————————————

Always believe in the beauty of human’s heart. The darkest of it there is still a dot of light that will brighten one’s life! There must be at least one tiny dot of light.

Believe it. Run free like Bambi playing in peaceful woods.

Enjoy this blessed weekend! Take all light, as light as feather

🐣

Salaam….

Accessible Memories

Deny all what’s not
Is a start where to find me.
Seed to be seedling,
Tree decayed, the decayed soil
Eaten by air. Who am I?

————————————————————

Identity is a consequence of marriage. You marry the country, you’ll be a nationality but what if your passport expires? You marry a company, you become an employee but what if you retire? You marry a career, you are higher and higher but what if you are not promoted? You marry a clique, you become a friend but what if they kick you out?

You marry a person, you become a spouse then a mother then a grandmother, etc. You are a wife only to your husband. You are a mother only to your children. And so on.

What you have married brings you an identity. Layered identity is wrapping you.

You can marry as many as those to earn identity. You can’t be any of them forever and you can’t be with those you marry forever. None of them is permanent; there’s a time for each of them.

Are all those identities you? After living this long, I can confidently say NO.

I thought I was this body, but the body deteriorate. I thought I was the mind, but the mind is so inconsistent. I’m not even this name.

There must be a question inside that you can’t deny, dear Self. Who…. Are…. You?

The answer lies at one point of your cruise. Grab your apparatus and dive in your own deep ocean, Self.

Be alone some time either when alone or among the crowd, and naked in front of your own self. Deny all what’s not and find the truly you.

I love you, my dear self.

💝

Incredibly Dreamy

Dream is more than true.
It’s alive in different world.
Sail, Dream. Sail to me.

—————————————————

If you’ve got dreams, never kill them no matter how impossible they look, with one condition: they should be good dreams that don’t harm other creatures. Live with the dreams. Ship them to reality with all whispers and prays.

Dreams are standing in queue, waiting for the door to open up to them.

Just like my biryani!

I don’t mind throwing up biryani today. 😁

Salaam….

ya Allah, enak banget! 😂💝
💝
pressure cooker is needed for next cooking 😁
regret of not including the bone! next time better
I love this one! So fragrant and glazed 🥰
boiled basmati rice with some cinnamon bark and Indian bay leaves – I shouldn’t have put the saffron at this stage 🥰
a bit too much yoghurt in, next time better 🥰
herbs and spices, one was left not taken picture the garan masala
basmati rice

Sprung

There’s a renewal;
Flowery, fruitage, once more.
Enlightened each day—

————————-————————

Life is like farming. A farmer only sows good seeds, waters the plant, weeds the grass in the field or garden, prunes the leaves or does other things simply to farm.

Whether or not flowers and fruit will appear, it is not in the farmer’s hand.

Remember, dear farmer. Do your best. Not because you want flowers and fruits but because that’s what you can and should do as a farmer.

Hey, maybe learning a little more about seasons and seasoning. The first is for you to manage the farm, the other is for you to make your life tastier.

Salaam…. 💝

I’ll take care of you, no matter what. I’m your farmer.

Trust

Cool breeze sweeps dry leaves,
Branches stretch to where Wind blows.
Where do you go, Wind?

————————————————————

How can I ignore my own silence? How can I listen to the noise more? It is tiring to leave my own self behind, I’m doing it though. I haven’t trusted my self. 🙃

This mind acts like dry leaves, scrambling frantically just because of cool breeze. Sometimes it moves lazily in panic pulled by strong wind, changing directions every now and then. Lightly and heavily moving because of doubt and fear of failure—

Trust is what can help. Trust that there is a net catching me when I free fall. Trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel although I haven’t seen it yet. Trust that I’m in process, not lost.

Trust is a light word, weighing as heavy as an unmovable mountain.

May all beings be happy. 💝