Am I Free

I’m a torch no more.
I’m a morning for my day
To be. Am I free?

————————————————————

Just one click! Then the monitor shows something brighter and full of hopes! Vast ocean of happiness—

Why is it so blocked to be optimistic? Take a mirror, unlock just one sweet smile, look into the smiling face more deeply a little bit longer and know why…. Dear, Love. Just one click!

May all beings be happy.

Listening Class

Listen to the rants
Of those needing some ears. Who?
Maybe your own self—

I need fresh air and different taste today! Pretty hot day and my bike really needs long rest. So I decided to book a taxi to Bussorah Street. Why not MRT? Today the automatic-smile-to-people apps of mine broke down and my ears needed some entertainment from random drivers who -if you are lucky or unlucky depending on how you perceive it- will tell a lot of stories about the Gov, the people, etc.

And Universe answered! The driver was perfectly being upset with a passenger that scolded at him because the passenger thought he made a longer journey and so the passenger had to pay $16 instead of $9.

“Walao! He think such distance can ah with only $9? If he live in Sentausa, he sure got money whaaaaat?! And if always take taxi, he sure know it is at least $15!”

“He think because he is foreigner he ok do what he like haaaaaah?!”

“You know he said “f***ing ***hole” to me ! He think he got right say that to driver! This is first time I complain to my office about my passenger you know. Usually I don’t care la people bitter or not smile or not talk but this guy ah scolding ah you think ok ah?”

Oops! If that was really the words said to the driver, that was rude!

He ranted more…. actually the whole trip I was all ears for him. Thanks God for my patience today.

“You probably need some coffee, Sir,” said I.

“Ya la. I so angry! I didn’t take passenger after him, straight to coffee shop to have coffee then took your order la. Still angry you know! My company already took my complaint. Maybe also need blacklisted passenger you know. People should not behave rude to drivers blah blah blah”.”

“You need to walk to the street. Cannot enter, not allowed one, you know right?”

“Oh, no worry, Sir. I know this area quite well. Let me walk. This is the fare, please take the change, for your noon coffee.”

“Thank you. Thank you. Have a nice day!”

I walked down the street to go to a small bookstore which sells books that I won’t find in Kinokuniya. This hidden gem among all those nice restaurants feels much more special in this pandemic. There are still many people but probably only 30% of normal days when tourists are swarming like alate around the light.

This was a nice day! I brought home some reading and good food!

Mission accomplished!

Time to listen to the Self!

Salaam

reading is like listening to self, you decipher your own intelligence through other’s writing

The Blessed Drupadi

Rolled dice, Beloved
Can cheat or give you luck. Choose
When to stop or lose.

Pandhawa Lima (5 brothers of Pandhawa) and the Kurawa (100 = 99 male and 1 female, all born from one time pregnancy), both were since childhood to maturity in a forever competition, rivalry and finally Kurusetra war!

I first read Mahabharata, Baratayudha when I was 10 years old. Comic series by R.A. Kosasih. I bet you’ll like them – unfortunately only in Bahasa Indonesia.

I always interpreted the rivalry between those two clans as a battle between good and evil. That everything happening between them was because Pandhawa wanted to eradicate evil, celebrated the good, wanted to make sure the kingdom was well governed, people were well protected with good welfare. Hmm…. I mean yes it was…. But is that the only angle to picture the stories? What was the cause of the war?

Until one day…. My brain was twisted and started to re-read between the lines. Since then I have agreed with those thinking that what Pandhawa had done was to fight for the right of one beloved woman, Drupadi. In Javanese culture Drupadi was the dear wife of Yudhistira (the oldest of the five) and the sister in law of the four (Bima, Arjuna, Nakula and Sadewa).

Drupadi was harassed by Dursasana in a betting party where Yudhistira let her the ultimate bet after he had spent everything the kingdom had in the game. Yudhistira was a highly respected king yet his weakness was one of them his liking to betting and gambling.

So, the epic war between the good Pandhawa and the evil Kurawa is to show how men respect and defend the women around them.

How would those who have read this epic story can’t see this significant line?!

I’m blessed to be a woman. And I hope someday I’ll be with a man who has the dignity to take a side of me when I have no one to defend, has the courage to respect a “weaker creature” when he has other options not to.

Happy International Women’s Day

It is not a one-day holiday or celebration, it is an everyday celebration to stay dignified and loving at the same time as a woman.

May all beings be happy.

Drupadi ceramic statue by F. Widayanto

Forgiveness

Anger, Beloved
Consumes hope, kills compassion, 
Drains the lake of love.
Know nothing is permanent.
She forgives all. Karma paid!

Everyone wants to be pleased, which is not wrong. One said that that is like throwing things to a bottomless hole, never ending craving for pleasure taken from others. It is ok to want to be pleased, but don’t suffer for not getting the pleasure that’s wanted.

Change the bottomless hole from a waste field to a mine; that way it would be found the precious experiences, appreciating what’s in and not focusing on what’s out.

Befriending with one’s self is the most challenging and at the same time most fun time. It is 24/7 for the rest of one’s life. Enjoy the ride.

Be kind to others but first of all be kind to yourself, Self.

Summary of a good chat with one best friend.


Short Spell Called Names

Name is a short spell. 
Not yours, Beloved. It’s mine
Hanging in Heaven, 
Echoing after yours called.
You can have it all.

How many names have you spelled in prayers? Are they the bold or the beautiful ones?

I call your name, Beloved ‘coz I know it infuses power into prayers like smoke of burnt incense billowing into the sky escorting dreams to meet the doors….

May all beings be happy….

Diamond

Loyalty: old-aged,
Mined, Rubbed, faceted carbon—
4C through life time.

Many women love diamond with different reasons. Some do because of its beauty. Some do because of its prestige. Some do because of following the trend. Some do just because of spending money on anything seen and wanted. Some do because of what it symbolises…. In fact its value has a wide spectrum like why we love someone.

Diamond is just a type of carbon. Carbon is what’s burnt to cook steak. Carbon is what’s chosen for media to grow orchids. Carbon is activated to be a medication for food poisoning. Or simply think of other things containing carbon!

Diamond though is a certain level of carbon which has been buried between layers of earth for millions of years, tested by the pressure, temperature. It’s hardened, purified, strengthened, crystalised.

4C is a familiar acronym for diamond lovers. These 4 C’s show diamond’s quality.

  • Cut: Quality of the angles, proportions, facets, and finishing details ~ level of craftsmanship and precision play important role
  • Color: How colorless the diamond is ~ less colour is the best but colour is at times defined by preference
  • Clarity: How clean the diamond is of inclusions and blemishes ~ the more flawless, the more valuable; but who is flawless, Beloved? The Death is flawless….
  • Carat: The weight of the diamond ~ small carat of diamond can look big; also determined by how the craftsman cuts it

Imagine a human being is a carbon processing one’s self to be a diamond. Stay regardless the pressure and temperature exposed to you, Self. Once you find you, you’re diamond in the making.

May all beings be happy.

useful link: https://www.bluenile.com

Still You, Just

You’re in the dark. Who?
What? Matter? Not! It’s still you.
Just some shade and light.

I’m never perfect, will never be as long as I live with and in this matter. There won’t be any absence of uncertainty. There is always a gap to bridge, a space in between, an emptiness after fulfilment…. Always between 0 and 1 – a binary system of wholeness I call it. Swinging like a pendulum from one point to another up to one extreme point before at the end of momentum thrown back to the next direction…..

Why would you stay in the day for 24 hours if you can stay cool in the dark for 12 hours after a long working day? Or the other way around with some reason?

Why would you mind missing someone for at least an hour a day if it can make this life more vibrant? Just don’t hate….

Why would you regret your broken heart as long as you don’t hurt anyone’s pride? Just don’t forget to love yourself….

No matter what and who you are some time of and in your life, you’re still you. Be you! Be more whole you every time…. A true you

May all beings be happy.

Remember Her

Relationship pattern changes over time and so does the way children relate with their parents. Although we are far away from each other, always remember the precious role of our parents especially mother. Oh anyway, I was closer to father. As he passed away, I become close to mother.

Dear Self, at least say hi through online chat or video call. Sending her the picture of our lunch would be a good sign that we are ok. Never let her worry about us, no matter what.

Self Love Or Selfish?

Self love or selfish?
A striking question to me
From me about me.
The answer hangs up the call
Coming from behind my head.


—


Singapore, October 26, 2020 - 9:45pm

Arid Land, His Heart

I never want to hurt myself, I just didn’t know who you are.
I got hurt by a cactus in a desert
Who pricks little fingers,
Who just want to touch this life softly,
Not hurting, not taking anything away.


Wounded, I decided to blame stupidity:
Why did I have to have to have to have to have to just touch cacti? I should have left that arid land long before I touched a prickly spirit.


A delayed regret is less important than a lesson learned but it always gives a story the most significant pivot.


Now
I’ll just admire from here
From where I stand
With millions of prayers
For a secret journey.
Yet I know you are a ghost days and nights.


Someday when I pour down the rain,
You’ll know.
Love is as sweet as water in drought—
Maybe—
If it is not late....

May all beings be happy.

Hujan, Rindu, Cinta

Hujan banyak bercerita. Rintiknya, derasnya, harum tanah yang tertimpa rinainya, segar hawa yang terhirup ke dalam lubang hidung, tusukan jejarum halusnya di titik-titik syaraf, raupan basahnya ketika telapak tangan mengusap muka dan sensasi hujan yang bergesekan dengan indera. Mereka telah membentuk jejak-jejak sejarah hidup. Yang terlupakan dan yang terkenangkan selama usia.

Malam ini hujan turun, kembali membasuh lembaran kenangan. Lantunan lagu-lagu mengentalkan rasa rindu pada Kekasih.

Sudah bermalam-malam rasa cinta ini tumbuh sejak kusadari rindu tak tertahankan.

Dulu. Dulu sekali, aku pikir rindu itu datangnya dari cinta. Baru tersadari di usiaku yang sekian ini bahwa cinta itu buah rindu.

Cinta itu lubang rindu nan tak pernah berhenti menganga.

Kupikir setelah patah hati, aku tak akan mencinta lagi. Pendapat itu tinggal pendapat semu, nyatanya rasa itu datang lagi. Yang menyedihkan adalat jatuh cinta pada Dia yang sama, makin lama makin besar cintanya.

Kugali dan kugali lagi. Bukan cinta sebab semua ini.

Rindu lah yang bertanggung-jawab atas penderitaan cinta.

Rindu lah yang seharusnya kupersalahkan.

Titik-titik hujan di jendela telah berubah menjadi aliran-aliran air. Cinta yang mulanya berupa bercak-bercak di permukaan hati menjelma menjadi danau yang menjadi pengawet hati.

Hati keras menjadi melembut. Yang dulunya tegar mudah terharu. Hati yang penuh dengan nama-nama perlahan hanya mengandungi satu nama. Satu saja.

Pernahkah kau jatuh cinta?

Jika kau mengaku belum, kau harus segera mengalaminya.

Rasa ini menyiksa tapi membuat indah dunia.

Setiap mengingat Dia, manusia memulas warna baru pada senyum dan sorotan mata.

Ketika menyadari bahwa kau tak mungkin mendapatkan Dia, kau menyegarkan hati dengan pemakluman bahwa tak semua uluran tangan disambut dengan ramah.

Segeralah jatuh cinta, sebelum sang waktu menorehkan akhir cerita di kitabmu.

Jatuh cintalah dan warnai rindumu dengan kebaikan hati, penerimaan dan pemakluman. Atau jika cintamu masih muda; marahlah, kecewalah, berteriaklah, panggil namanya dengan penuh rasa niscaya hatimu akan dipenuhi dengan makna hidup yang sesungguhnya.

Rasa rinduku tak pernah hilang. Tak akan pernah sirna.

Wahai Kekasih, semakin hari rindu ini semakin menguar memekat di udara, dihirup olehku dan sesama manusia. Dan cinta ini tak akan berakhir; mungkinkah kita bersua? Doaku melagukan sebuah perjumpaan. Atau jika kita tidak ditentukan berjumpa, aku tak mau lagi berjumpa walau sekali, tak sudi kumau berjumpa.

Hujan tak kunjung berhenti. Alunan musik itu masih ada.

The sun is out, the sky is blue
There's not a cloud to spoil the view
But it's raining, raining in my heart
The weatherman says clear today
He doesn't know you've gone away
And it's raining, raining in my heart
Oh, misery, misery
What's gonna become of me?
I tell my blues they mustn't show
But soon these tears are bound to flow
'Cause it's raining, raining in my heart
But it's raining, raining in my heart
And it's raining, raining in my heart
Oh, misery, misery
What's gonna become of me?
I tell my blues they mustn't show
But soon these tears are bound to flow
'Cause it's raining, raining in my heart
Raining in my heart
Raining in my heart

Mirror – haiku

If she’s not ready
To see herself. Stop giving
A mirror. Give gin!

—-

Sometimes you lose your confidence to tell your friend what you truly know about what happens to one; not because you are afraid of losing a friendship, but just because you know that one will lose one’s confidence by seeing one’s own true face.

Ya, sometimes you will sacrifice your position – before someone you keep doing yourself a stupid idiot (please excuse my language to myself) who will only act as a yes-friend to make someone get more and more drunk with fake realities.

A good friend, are you?

May all beings be happy….

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Milk and Honey – smiling

Ants under a book
Crawl about into a nook,
Escape from a look.

I’d been struggling with happy ants on my desk. A group of ants were nesting under a book and even after some effort they were stubbornly staying under that particular book.

I didn’t get it but now I do.

I lifted the book and moved it to another place and magically no ants came back. I put another book to where the “problematic spot” is in. No ant came back! Until now….

When I checked the book that attracted the happy ants, I found the title is “Milk and Honey”.

May all beings be happy 😜

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Wither – music and lyric

When the dream has fallen down
Let it go.
Move on.

Though not wither, hope can dry out and burn itself down like forest in heat fire….

May all beings be happy.

Beauty Is Nature – tanka

Beauty is Nature
Married to Culture. Others?
All failed engagement—
Yet you’ll find culture too shy
And wrapped in modernity.

Singapore – Jul. 3, 2020 / 0:48

I miss going someplace, any place where land is covered with nature mixed with friendly people….

May all beings be happy.

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Slowing Down Footsteps – ranting

Slowing down footsteps
Pace along an ancient route.
Trace back your soul path.

Now here

Thought sometimes gets puzzled why thing happens to the Self, while logically she has made best possible efforts to control it not to emerge into events. At times emotions pour like heavy rain or they numb all nerves.

Then the Self realises that all is about tracing back the soul path: paying one’s karma, optimising one’s dharma.

Dear, Self.
You’d better pass major lessons in the current life. You shouldn’t want to fail the same lessons: acting lame or repeatedly meeting lame spirits wrapped in different physical planes, or both at the same time.

Dear, Beloved.
If it is not done,
Don’t let me slip from Your hands.

May all beings be happy….

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You’re Different, My Love – haiku

You’re different, my Love.
Don’t turn your full life to none.
Keep your head. Alone….

Singapore – Jun. 26, 2020 / 22:31

I won’t let you change your life just to be with me. Fly, dear Self.
As you wish
‘Coz you’re the master of your own Life.

May all beings be happy.