graphs of my Universe
Signs are everywhere
Telling me what river says.
Hi Numbers, thank you.
26 is like poets telling me to keep writing poems outside work.
36 is telling me to be just human being.
79 is telling me to make decision strongly when needed.
can you see the bird? 💕 what sign is that?
thank you for the company!
be always loved!
Oh, Beloved, my!
It's written. Who will read it?
If no heart recites.
maktoub
Weeping reed, my love
Sway gracefully by the breeze.
Longing for summer--
💕
Have you heard of
Dilution?
It's when this step toward you becomes lighter & calmer
By the liquefied fear
Through any pressure that comes,
With the dream that vanishes
And hope that makes sense
Because of
You, and
You alone
Waving to me saying
"You've been missed for so long.
Waited like rain in a drought.
Whose name is whispered in silence,
Whose beauty is contained in simplicity,
Whose existence is there is yet there is not.
You're a basket of love,
I've longed for within and without."
is it the clover or the basket that matters? they dilute each other with their existence, or do they blend their beauty? whichever, it’s all simply about you making my journey more meaningful
Apples on a plate
Shine offering their sweetness.
Blessing of the sun--
Time has passages
Walked by hearts with decisions.
Sloping and climbing--
Love welcomes what's been waited
Without payment and complaints.
The meadow grows green.
time gives me space to grow without asking me to pay how much ever I’ve learnt in the journey & without complaints how long I’ve had to reach a point of understanding
time allows me to grow from nothing to fly up above any layers of skies where nothing is empty or empty is nothing
time itself is so kind & patient, so much I’ve owed to time so the only thing I can do is keeping repaying to it by treating it gently & truly
dear, Time…
…. wherever you are,
thank you
🍀
have a good weekend, WordPress
First breeze each morning
Caresses her face. So cool.
Ensuring good days--
it’s a result of life-long learning to easily thank you
when someone’s young (or childish), life might feel full of many testing & struggling; yet with honest & robust life management, life becomes a box with lessons learnt about how to deal with discolouration of true personality, how to put good effort to deliver messages, how to accept unexpected results with “oh not that”, how to be clearer & clearer about what life is & about what life should be wisely treated
thank you, Beloved for the life — cool & bright like morning breeze coming in when I open the window
🌻🍀💕
If they walk away,
Just walk away.
It means no means today.
As love is here
No matter what,
Footsteps won't give no way.
I'm content.
I'm happy.
After the last drip of what's in store is gray,
Whether it's coffee
Or Japan's May.
why doubtful?
leaving what’s not wanted in a mug after the coffee drip is done is what it should be ☺️
why looking back, dear coffee drinker
the air is welcoming you
go like a galloping horse
go like a slithering snake
go like the last drop of coffee in a mug
you’ve met the way
with or without your coffee machine, my heart is blooming everyday 🥰
🌻
Moss, dear Beloved
Spreads on the soil to the wall
Where air is dampened.
my colleagues and I talked about our favourite plant: moss
I’ve seen moss as fascinated tiny growth since I was very young. I loved scraping moss on the stone, walls, trees and other possible surfaces to later observe the minuscule size of the leaves
other than the structure itself, its colour is fascinating; the dark green when it’s fresh, the light green when it looses moisture, the brown when it’s dried out
one of the gardens in my Korine Jati will be covered with moss, it’s gonna be the small garden in front of my bedroom — a humble small patch that freshens my days, a place for me where a spot is prepared to meditate and pray, a place where thought is thinking about itself, a corner where secret is whispered before silenced
dear, moss
be my best friend who is keeping my deepest hope, love, luck & faith to the
Beloved
If
You disappear from the world,
There will be only me.
What would I do?
I'll create
You.
I did create
You with so much love
For myself as if it's from
You.
If I have to lose anything, I'll let it be
You. Not because I don't have enough love for you.
It's simply because I can always create
You.
this epilogue is powerful
This heart is the earth
Who will bury stories, gossips, complaints, grievances to the depth
The very deep.
Layers of soil will dry,
Solidify,
Carbonize,
Fossilize
In peace.
Then miners come
To liquify what's solidified.
Diamond, sapphire, ruby, quartz....
Name more.
They're dug up
To the surface
Beautiful and shiny
Like love, hope and protection.
Yet some are glaring
Like pride, arrogance and domination.
Dear,
Heart.
Slip in my deepest self
And never open the doors.
It hurts to be mined.
Love is always precious like diamonds that adorn little life. Yet I’m resting after the diamonds are scattering on the floor, clinking around, rolling, some unfound….
The are some pieces left. The last to be guarded please the last….
Hidden gem, my love
Glows in this heart telling tales
About hidden love
That might never find her nest.
The voiceless gets more silent.
Today my friend brought me around Jogja. The most interesting part was of course Pasar Beringharjo (Beringharjo Market) in which whatever souvenirs from Jogja are completely displayed. The most I love about this market is “ibu-ibu gendhong”, the women who sell their service to carry the people’s (both traders and shoppers) stuff from one point to another. My friend works in the NGO that advocate them to get better access to better rights as informal workers. The women (we call them buruh gendhong: female porters) know my friend very well so I always get the chance to say hi to them every time I visit some markets in Jogja & be given directions which best traders I can go to get the best products.
Today they showed me a hidden gem, a small corner where old-aged batik sheets and tradion Javanese kebaya are traded. What a blessed day today was!
How should I have felt except thankful? It was a good bargain– just with less than SGD50 I got a package of pretty apparels that I will wear to attend Christmas party in my cousin’s home.
kebaya, old batik sheet & an obi belt of Sido Asih batik
Thank you!
My cold heart got warm with the shopping spree and meeting the female porters who are the true representative of humble life itself.
God bless you, Ibu-Ibu & Mbah-Mbah Buruh Gendong. 💕
Pages of a book
Dog-eared, yellowed
And wrinkle
Of fingers stroking--
I’m not a religious person yet I love checking holy books, books about local faith around the world and writings about philosophy. To me wisdom scatters everywhere; it might not be the best sources of wisdom but reading them has opened my horizon of thinking and I’ve become an open-minded and free thinker to some extent.
There is one more thing about checking those books is getting personal advice that I can’t get from even the closest people around me– not because I don’t trust their love to me but I don’t trust their level of bias in analysing my situation. They are not open enough to accept me who is very open in thinking yet very morally guarding to my own self (two paradoxes my closest people still can’t understand up to now). That’s why I “consult” the Quran, the holy book aside from Bible that I’ve been familiar with since I was young (my father was a Christian).
Today I felt the need of consulting the Quran; I prayed, recited Alfatihah the opening suuraah of the Quran, greeted those I respect in life, took a short silence and randomly opened the book.
Here is the answer from the Quran.
QS Annuur #38
That Allah may reward them [according to] the best of what they did and increase them from His bounty. And Allah gives provision to whom He wills without account.
My heart stopped doubting. Is it because of the Quran? Is it because of to whom I prayed? Is it because of my trust? Maybe one of them. Maybe all of them. And I don’t want other possibilities because I won’t let myself doubt what’s been confirmed.
Thank you, dear Quran for being my closest friend, a book that opens all the doors of light. I might not be religious but you’re always the #1 consultant I’ve turned to for the past 33 years and probably will be for the rest of my life.
Light, light, my heart becomes so light.
Thank you❣️
Mandarin duck swims
Through calm water to the edge
Welcoming the breeze.
my small work of art to be, “the lone swimmer, love bird of the east”
What she needs, my love
A jar of coloured petals
That smile to her mind--
heliconia is always a nice welcome
or an orchid that’s bright
never a bottle of wine
just a cool towel and a cup of lemongrass tea next to a carnation
Love daily, my love
Chosen, cleaned, soaked, cooked and packed
To serve forever--
chicken biryani for lunch is like falling in love after broken hearted
💙☺️❣️
sprinkled friend onion on the layer rice & chicken
💕
boiling rice
marinating chicken in herbs + yogurt
another key to a nice biryani
fying onion
the herbs to boil the rice
basmati rice after 30′ soaked in water
She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--
If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?
The answer: humming❣️
Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁
Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.
Saturday is never boring with humming.
my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes
no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter
I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family
thank you❣️
time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me 💕
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.
balancing in any situation is what life is about
☘️
Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.
it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically
it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly
thank you, ibu
♥️
Beloved,
I don't have clear words
To decribe myself
Yet words insist to come out,
Sliding down from a lane connecting heaven and earth--
Dragon
A mythical being
Depicted in a lot of traditions all over the globe
That soars, roams, fights with a muse who lives in a realm
Called a self.
A self who is one of nine
Whichever one inspiring any her
To rule her own world
With love and compassion,
Nothing more
Nothing less.
She bears the emblem of dragons,
Plays fun with them,
Talks and plans,
Dreams and fantasizes,
Works the hardship,
Keeps secret & evaporate it,
Learns and teaches,
Fights and flies,
Stays and calms,
Grows old and stays young--
All with dragons.
Perhaps no one knows
But she knows
That the dragons might not be
someone else,
Just a being she thinks something else,
Yet in fact none in her life
Is separated--
Dear, Dragons
Be
Beloved or
Lover for her
Whichever is tasked to
You.
born with a dragon waking up at the same time
fun time with dragon most of the time
sending good messages to the universe with the dragon
sharing most secrets to dragon
welcoming sunset with dragon
struggling in battles with dragon
learning precious lessons with dragon
receiving deciphered enigmas from dragon
never growing old before dragon
physically growing old with dragon
taming dragon is her soul
a muse who rekindles dragon in her soul over and over again
Aku sayang Ibu.
our last video call
the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly ☺️☘️💕❣️
terima kasih, Ibu…. 😘☘️❣️
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.
Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.
Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.
Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.
ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video ☺️❣️
in Jogja ☘️💙❣️
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.
Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.
Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.
Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....
ibu, terima kasih ya….
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
💙
terima kasih yaaa….
😘
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."
ibu, terima kasih ya ☺️
My heart is a garden
Where flowers are nodding to butterflies and ladybugs
That need a ride to play.
My heart is a pond
Where lilies spread their pads to dragonflies and frog
That stop to meditate.
My heart is a cave
Where treasures are hidden from
eyes and ears
That crave for secrets.
My heart is an ocean
Where space is containing depth and width
That hug the abyss.
My heart is a home
Where songs are waiting for rhythms and rhymes
That long for a voice.
dear heart, be fragrant even when it’s around bad odor ♥️
Headache, Beloved
Tiara with her gemstones
Glowing dignity--
I’d had headache for these past 3 days and no better even with the super meds called Paramex 🙂 I took one-day medical leave to meet the doc then on Friday I worked from home to gain more comfort while working.
I kept complaining until just now realizing that this was that I felt before; it was when I had a growth inside my brain untreated. The headache was significantly reduced (up to 99% by my gross calculation: from everyday to once in several months like this time).
How I thank God that this headache has tried reminding me that this time I feel so much better than before, the years of constant headache every single day.
Ah! Thank you!
Thank you for the realization that life shall have sickness to know that health is a true blessing. Then both sickness & health are blessings indeed.
Thank you!
if my headaches in those years to be exchanged with a head piece, I want a tiara with diamond & emerald – elegantly pressing the head for beauty & dignity
One, two, Beloved,
Numbers to start a journey
To the zero point.
With ageing I am able to feel the surge of high energy I experienced before. With broken heart I’m so thankful that I’ve got love in this heart. With thirst I appreciate how freshness of water cures me. With the stuck in the head I become more and more familiar that flowing is the only way to love. With scarcity I can grow sense of gratitude with even just a little hope in life.
It’s you. Yes, it’s you. None other but you that makes me. None other but you that puts meaning on the word me. None other but you that moves all this life within me.
How can I be feeling so detached….
If you are the one attaching in all my senses?
If you are the one behaving with this corpse?
If you are the one drawing a circle for me to circumambulate until the two dots meet?
If you are the one?
I surrender. I retreat.
To
You.
Today I contemplated a lot about friendship.
I value friendship, as it is the best I can gift to those I love. Yet some of mine didn’t work well. Just recently one friend sent messages to someone to tell me that she no longer wanted to befriend with me. Her messages were big anger described through words that to me sounded like unreasonable accusations: that I only needed her in need, that she didn’t trust my intension of not inviting her to the hotel where I stayed, that I was not her true friend, that she would not contact me anymore, and so on.
I was upset and said to the “messenger”: Thanks for reading me her messages, please don’t forward the written messages to me, please help delete.”
I got hurt with the hurting accusations. I began to calculate what and how much I had done for her versus what she had done for me. 15-year friendship ended with a message without clarification…. What a tragic comedy!
I got hurt. A short drama started to mount within me….
Until….
Today I met someone who happened to be her friend and mine, who informed me that her mother just passed away after the Idul Fitri. Innalillaahi wa innaa ilaihi rajiun.
And that’s when I knew why she became so sensitive.
She never informed me that her mother passed away. it’s probably her fault.
One time in Ramadhan she sent one message of asking for a call but I was in a massive headache so I didn’t even reply to anyone’s messages including hers. So maybe I also missed some updates from her. It’s probably my faults.
I don’t know; I don’t want to prolong the drama.
I sent her a condolence message. I don’t hope anything but her acceptance of what is.
I’m telling myself that I’m good and play the Ho’oponopono repeatedly to let go off what’s not.
I’m sorry, my own self for being negative. Please forgive me. I thank you. I love you.
rike jokanan 
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