Home

A home, Beloved
Not an outlook— it’s the soul
That hugs when inside.

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I bought my first property at 34, a bit late from the original plan simply because I was broke. It was a small house in Greater Jakarta, that is now called “Rumah Bob” (literally Bob’s home) named after my cat Bob.

It is one tiny house in a small cluster, uniformly designed with minimum freedom to show “me” — the owner can only have it painted different colours, install different window sills, plant different flowers and design different garden, add different carport, or maybe buy different cars.

That has motivated me to have a home that reflects “the me that I want to present”. None of the houses offered to me by brokers or friends hit my core although some were into my taste— of course some were simply too pricy. 😩 I rejected all offers.

Apology – Some people (who helped search property for me) thought I was too much because for some of them a house is simply a place to live in comfort, while I’ve always dreamt to live in a home where I can express the true me and help my guests understand their true selves by visiting the home. A few of them sarcastically said I shouldn’t have searched through them if I didn’t have enough money — ohhhhhh some bloody stings!!! 😂 Yet I did apologise to them for being so difficult.

I decided to buy a small plot of land in a greenery in Yogyakarta (my father’s home town) and build a home from scratch.

Architect – It’s very important to choose the right architect. Not necessarily the most prominent as to me integrity and friendship is the most important thing – luckily my best friend recommended her student to work on my dream. Working with an architect who was artist had blessed me. She understood what was wanted by her clients but she never got satisfied even when the clients said the final draft was excellent. She would get back to me saying “Mbak, I think I find which part should be optimised. I’ll get back to you with a new draft.” Thanks to Mbak Novi.

The Core – My home will never impress random onlookers from the outlook or those who think a good house is a luxurious building; they will simply think it’s a humble abode clean and fresh. It will only impress its guests, family and friends who truly relate with me as human beings with different kinds of engagements or those who know how to appreciate humanity and ordinary.

I wish to be granted health and prosperity to live long enough to enjoy being a sincere host in my true home to those who love life.

A dream come true! Alhamdulillah.

May all beings be happy. 💝

front door, greeting family and friends with all my heart and soul – no fake people are welcome

Rose Garden

Garden, Beloved,
Fertilized with poisons? Dead!
Cinder rose goes off.

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A group call with my brother and sister in law is mostly either stupid or crazy. Once we talked about the old time passing and our addiction.

How someone gets addicted to something is mostly started from a physical or mental exit of pain— either clinically prescribed or personally decided— followed by excessive dependency on the substances or the activities.

I’ve seen how people addicted to medicine (I was to pain killer), drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc have changed from beautiful human beings into ugly persons either physically or mentally. It’s how awful co-dependency shapes someone’s life. Moreover, there is no addiction in any history that brings true happiness or freedom.

Three of us then discussed about someone who was addicted to something unusual: spiritual drills. Having all resources, the person went shopping on various classes and workshops about spirituality and self help such as meditation, mindfulness, tapping therapy, money magnet and how to optimise it spiritually, how to activate chakra, yoga and blahblahblah, gemstones and their spiritual power, mandala and spiritual awakening, how spiritual life pull financial abundance, spiritual traveling around many places, etc. One had been in one’s 60th class last time we met. One would be able to answer all questions in any possible ways. I called one ‘Mr/Ms Know All’, a euphemistic nick name that might be loved by those addicted to power and authority. Some friends called this person “Mr/Ms Spiritual Junky”.

What I remember about this person is that no one around was genuinely appreciated, everyone was just a “who-are-you-you-think-you’re-better-than-me”. One called most of one’s friends “cantrik”, a Javanese word that literally means follower/helper and would never be up to one’s level (one called one’s self healer and universe map reader).

How ironic! From someone who were full of compassion to someone who were full of envy and insecurity—

I think many if not all people to some extent were once addict who learned the lessons and changed the patterns to be free from co-dependency. My brother was a heavy smoker, been stopping for around 3 years. My sister in law was a Korean drama freak and quit. I myself was addicted to those I fell for and heavily overthinking.

“I almost got addicted to someone again.”

“Let go! Let go! Let go!” said they to me like cheerleaders.

Definitely! It’s a waste to wait for emotionally unavailable people to care that I care about them. I’m ok to get soaked in love and compassion but not in addiction to people. 💝

Addiction, oh addiction.

Alfatihah to all of those who are addicted to anything in any situation. Be healed and blessed.

are they addicted to gadget or hugs? so clingy, damn…. 😂

Addiction to technology?

cinder rose, dusty pink 🥰 from Pinterest

Madly In Love

Was madly in love,
Still am…. Realm is the limit.
…. With you, Beloved—

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Where is the end of love journey? Either hopelessness or time 💝

Alfatihah 💕

love poem of Nizar Qabbani

Nizar Qabbani

Time Takes Side

Time flows, Beloved,
To an estuary of hope.
Time flows, Beloved,
To the eternity sea.
Won’t be long before we meet—

Time flows, Beloved
To you through me. White beacon
Blinks red at low tide.
Wind says the woodlands miss me.
Time flows, Beloved. Thank you.

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Don’t take too long a time to fix an issue. Time wisely travels with those willing to appreciate a journey through action taking along with wisdom harvesting. Otherwise, it will bulldoze what’s not solved.

Dear January. I know you’ll transform with me who doesn’t want remedial lessons next year.

Thank you, 2021. Welcome, 2022.

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiem….

💝

nothing is forever, let go of all that are not serving for my highest good either interest or ambition
no one is perfect, accept the dark side of my own self and learn all lessons either pleasant or unpleasant
balance is feasible only when mental detachment and appropriate acceptance are achieved, I claim the balance
I’m ok, dude…. You’re not? 🤠

How To See The Self

Mirror on the wall,
I’m the prettiest of all?
It cracks up. Masks gone—

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Ah, weekends of mid December! Work is slowing down on several days. Weekends feel like starting on Friday morning. I have some longer time to talk to the mirror and find that I’m still there! A hidden innocent rascal nicely sitting behind layers of curtains

Masquerade on break!

🤡👻🤖👽😈👹👺🎭💩🎃👾🤠

🥰

May all beings be happy! 💝

🤩
watching Maru, feeling like looking at the mirror 🤪

Matur Nuwun

The boughs touch the ground
Showing respect to nature,
Mother who loves all.
Fruits are ready to harvest
Everyday. Farmers’ blessings—

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One of those teaching me constant gratitude is my mother. When I share my problems, she will either tell me “We should be grateful that our problems are still solvable” or “We are still lucky that we are still given blessings when having problems” or “It is ok, someday they will understand”.

That lady is made of flexible rubber when hit by hard challenges. Nothing hurt her blessed heart. I’m lucky to be born by her. I guess God has sent her to teach me patience….

…. and at the same time to be patient. Hallow…. It takes patience to deal with patient people. I mean it!

Matur nuwun, Ibu. I love you. 💝

matur nuwun

You

Secretly
You,
Obviously
You,
You here,
You there.
Damn!
You are everywhere.

I’m awake, remembering
You.
Asleep, dreaming of
You,
I’m alone, imagining about
You.
Among the crowd, getting attacked by
You.

These five senses recognise the very
You.

Why
You?

No reason why, it is just
You.

But where are
You?
So distant
Yet
So much close.

Oh
You….

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🎼

beautiful voice 💝

Generous Nature

Lily bulbs come back
Among red leaves in autumn.
Second chance from Her—

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What is second chance? Once again? Or again and again like lily bulbs that come back every autumn and bloom beautifully until forever ends?

spider lily near cemetery

Mother Nature has taught me that mistake doesn’t come with punishment; it comes with lesson to be a better human being, someone who has purer intention and clearer attention. She consistently brings messages about acceptance that no one will be perfect as imperfection is an included package to realise and/or materialise perfection. That welcoming the next good day is doing the best today. That if the next now called tomorrow is here, the second chance has welcome me to be a better me. A me that’s more me than before—

I remember my Kyoto trip in 2014, my first encounter with spider lily. Fascinated, I sat down on the grass for quite long time in front of a temple with my camera until a beautiful Japanese (old) lady stopped by me.

“Hana! Hana! Hana!” She said smiling, with her thumbs pointed to the lily then to my camera.

“Ya! Ya! Ya! Thank you! Beautiful flowers!”

It was a surprise for me. A moment with no preparation. A short act with no anticipation. She just went away with her wise old smile.

That lady was probably sent to me as a second chance to re-define what possibly a Japanese truly looks like as the previous week I didn’t have a good experience with another one in Nagano.

I won’t probably meet with her again, yet enough for me to know that when I’m that age, I’d like to be as friendly and warm as her. 💝

Thank you for everything that comes with second chance, even second chance after my second chance so that in the second second chance I realise that it is my second chance not to be missed.

Al-Fatihah for all those who miss the second chance and those who are waiting for a second chance.

Salaam….

spider lily at the rice field – I haven’t seen it in my country, worth trying

Both pictures are borrowed from https://www.japanvisitor.com/japanese-culture/seasons/higanbana

Love Lives Life

This breeze blows gently
Sending a dowry of Life
From Love, sincerely.

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Breathe…. It’s what Life has shown that Love still wants to live.

Salaam. 🙏🏼

thanks for the breathing and the breath 💝

Forever

A strand of white pearls
Harvested in the deep sea
Bedazzles her neck.

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There is time when I regret of what’s done and nervous about what will happen. Why did I do that? I should have done this. What if I fail again? I am not good enough.

I used to think money was everything with happiness but I prove that money is the biggest illusion in life that I misunderstood. Now I consider money should be merely a tool, never a purpose. Yet I still think of what if my company stock price decreases? 😁

I used to look for happiness and protection in a relationship. With experiences I become strongly convinced that only a healthy relationship with the self can help me cope with problems; moreover, without healthy relation with my self any relationship with others won’t work well. Yet I still don’t heal from broken heart easily and still think whether or not I will meet someone I can share some simple happiness and shelter with.

I was between life and death situations more than once for some illness before, and so helpless about future. And gradually I realise that death can come anytime even when people are healthy. Yet I still hope I die when I let go of any confusion and live in clarity.

However, there is time when I know that only in the now I can accept everything. In the now I can shed tears with mixture of gratefulness for what’s breaking my heart and blessings of what’s boosting the quality of life. In the now I can smile just by seeing piling laundry waiting for ironing. In the now I can see the canvas is the door of self healing. In the now I can imagine sending a cake full of love for my loved ones who live in many different places, whom I cannot visit with many reasons. In the now I can see shades of real and true happiness in each and every experience from wake up to sleep.

Thank you for the now and now and now that form a strand of pearls called forever.

I live forever until the last now meets with the first now.

Al Fatihah to all of my loved ones across the oceans. I bless you happiness.

Salaam….

back on track, contemplating with colours
do things with love, the definition of love? enjoying good things to the fullest or, in bad time enjoying the process with patience 💝
thank you, Emily for the message 🪶🙏🏽

Friendly Green

This life, Beloved,
Needs greenery and friendship
To stay beautiful.

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Someone can’t truly live without dreams. Dreams make days clear with focus and full of energy, nights calm with focus and full of serenity.

Simple dreams will do; as simple as doing daily gardening on a small courtyard garden and veggies garden around a house that is hosting simple rendezvous of family and good friends, cooking, teaching free language classes and life skill or tips of management or leadership to those who need, traveling light to places friendly to weaker body, sharing how life is so broad and deep with those who care.

Come true. Come true. Come true. 🐣

Wake up! All is still on paper. Go back to work! 😃

May all beings be happy. 💝

No Distance Ever Be

Distance, Beloved,
Isn’t how far you’re from me.
It’s how soft the voice
Can reach your heart. These whispers
Slide through the space of the rain.

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Have a good weekend! 🌱

Hey, Gardeners

Plants greet gardeners,
Life shows generosity.
Optimism springs.

————————————————

Sometimes what she needs is optimising the sight in enjoying spectrums of light reflected through colours around her and rests. Then only a meadow of no feeling…. All can be called whatever it is, she prefers calling it beauty.

She realises rain has brought a lot of happiness to the orchids. It probably contains fertiliser triggering blooms and blossoms. Strong roots, healthy leaves, appearing flower stems, keiki. Thank you.

Nature greets those who’d like to take care of others who also want to survive, even the least of care is repaid.

Salaam….

these what make an amateur gardener stay longer in the shower room – enjoying the beauty of colours and looking down a crowded crossroad
pretty!
pretty!
pretty!
pretty!
pretty!

Soft Heart, Possible?

Fire melts metal,
Taming its hard side of life.
A shout to soft heart—

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Hardship in life train two muscles: physical body and mental body.

The harder the exercises, the harder and tougher the physical body is. Punches will only hit hard strong muscle and a hit back can even beat the attacker.

In fact the harder life tests a human being with challenges, the softer one’s heart could be. Soft heart isn’t a sign of weakness, it is kindness or even wisdom. And wisdom is the purest strength.

A Javanese wisdom reflects how a soft heart can build someone’s attitude and behaviour: sugih tanpa bandha, digdaya tanpa aji, ngluruk tanpa bala, menang tanpa ngasorake.

Sugih tanpa bandha: Someone can feel rich without money or property. She can own treasure, wealth, fortune more precious than what money can buy. The true richness is a soft heart that can contain a lot of opportunity to learn lessons and preserve the heritage of life wisdom of being a human. Only soft heart can do that.

Digdaya tanpa aji: Someone can be powerful without physical strength. Only clear mind and soft heart can shape her to a powerful individual through whom solutions and ways out are channeled. Don’t ever worry, Beloved that having a good heart is in vain. At the end it is soft heart who drives good mind and it is also soft heart who invites true appreciation and respect.

Ngluruk tanpa bala: fighting without ally sometimes happens in life. Or always? Yes, when she fights against her own imbalanced judgement or inharmonious thinking, that’s when she doesn’t have ally. She is alone. No one can help her. She needs her own self and her alone. It is soft heart her sole ally to win every battle inside.

Menang tanpa ngasorake: winning without defeating or humiliating others. What do we need but victory? Yet victory isn’t always about winning against others in arguments or race. Victory is at the end about learning what weakness lies beneath a failure to appreciate and respect a relationship of any form: blood ties, friendship, romance, etc. And only soft heart can calm her down from intensity of defeating or humiliating others. The softer her heart, the better others feel about themselves. As a result those who are not feeling belittled will make space; and only soft heart will be given space without second thought.

Unfortunately it is applicable only in relationships without money as the basis. Sad? No. I can apply it happily outside business arena, a space which is broader and deeper than it looks. Step by step…. 💝

Salaam…

a soft heart, as soft as moist marble cake 🥰

Moment

Moment, Beloved
The breeze before falling rain
Greets the earth. A joy—

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Moment is when an experience gets clicked with all senses, falls on to the right-chosen meanings, stays for a longer time.

Yet each moment should vanish, fade away, blend into pixels of maturity in someone’s life. It will be forgiven, might be forgotten, must be learnt as life lessons. How delicious this life is for those who are willing to appreciate both shade and light. How beautiful life is as it is composed by millions of pixels of different experiences whose essence is memorable.

The more experience, the better? Yes, only when its essence is memorable. Its essence is memorable only when all senses are capturing the experience and reflecting it through lesson learnt. Or else, it is just motion gone with the tick-tock of a clock— not forgiven, not forgotten, no learnt-lesson.

Walking through the lanes around Masjid Sultan, sitting at the verandah of an old shop lot, reading new old-book from Wardah Books, drinking Turkish coffee, sucking the sweetness of kunefe, breathing the air right before the rain, hearing the warm chats from other tables are all motions which are waiting for the moment to disclose beauty before things end. The taste of life!

Weekend is always much appreciated through slow pace, to balance the fast-paced demanding targets that are relevant for a preparation before the next beneficial life journey.

May all beings be happy.

books before coffee, coffee before sugar, sugar before smiles
taken it many many times, still favourite Turkish food of mine
dear Lamp, is anyone living inside of you?

Alaturka Mediterranean and Turkish Restaurant, gonna be back again (and again) 🥇

a pretty corner
eyes everywhere, omnipresent omniscient

Sunflower

It’s Helianthus
Following Helium core,
Breathing in the life.

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Sufficient for me is you, and you’re where I give myself over to.

May all beings be happy. 💝

Blue Is The Night

Good morning, moon. How
Was your night? Mine is so blue,
Missing someone that
Is loved. He flies with his dreams.
I dive with mine. Happiness—

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💐

no wonder most of my nights are blue, the blue light glows wrapping the rise

Happy Journey

Birthday, Beloved,
One step closer to the gate
To a rendezvous

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It’s my mother’s 77th birthday and she looked so happy when I called through my little brother’s phone. A happy day for all of us finding that she’s still happy and healthy in this age.

She’s a lady of the house. She’s respected by family and neighbours because of her kindness. She’s cheated though by the greed. She’s loved by her children at the same time official enemy of all of them at certain time. I personally have a shade of rivalry against her, she did envy me how I would be closed with and always got constant support from my father. 😂

My friends want to be like her but I don’t. I don’t want to be like her because her life was too tough. She was born in a period of war, raised mostly without a father and be given a lot of ups and downs in her personal journey. Lucky that she was married to a humble, kind, hard working man and they became one of the best couples in our humble world.

Happy birthday, Ibu. I wish you happiness. 💝 Long happy life! See you at our dining table on your 78th birthday. 😘😘😘😘😘😘

Lots of love as always,

Your daughter (stubborn yet sweet) 😊

this is yours, Ibu
this is mine!!!

Ballads of You In Me

I love myself who
Loves you with unsent flowers
And restricted time.

What about you, Love?
Have you fallen in love, too
With me? Or never?

You love yourself who
Loves me loving you. We’ll meet
When the dream is done.

When will it be, Love?
You hold the ropes of all joints,
Awaken by you.

I wish to wake up
Before sunrise when we are
Still madly in love.

I wish you are there
Holding my hand, flying me
To next dreams with love.

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Too much love will kill? It depends on how love is defined.

Why killing if it is the reason why I wake up in the morning,

…. If it is the cause that drives me to wish happiness,

…. If it is a detail that makes a picture clear,

…. If it is the air running through respiratory system,

…. If it is the blood flowing through capillary system,

…. If it is the history through which one reality lives and dies then lives then dies then lives again and again and again to meet you?

I am afraid you are not awake when I am, or you are awake when I doze off.

Can we meet in each other’s dream at least?

Salaam….

dream catcher

Tomorrow May Never Come

I love you today
With heart and soul. Tomorrow?
It’s done and will go.

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Live as if there is no tomorrow. People die. People forget. Do good while now is here.

Blessed those who live today.

Salaam…