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Masquerade – ranting

Life is about masquerading.
How well she acts under a mask determines what the crowds will give her.
Whether she is crying under a smiling mask, it doesn’t matter. What matters is her body languages correspond with the smiles in the mask.

Her cry in the heart will not resonate whatever frequency is spread through the air ‘coz the crowds don’t read the heart. They see the mask and they are wearing masks, too.

Dear, Mask.
How are you?
Are you happy there?
Or, do you need some touch-up of colors?
Let me do it.
I can put mascara, blush-on, eye-shadow, eyelashes or more colors on your lips.
Your smiles shall not fade away.
Otherwise, the crowds will be disappointed and go away.

Dear, Mask.
Do you know how I am?
I am crying for how long you are suffering to look good all the time.
Sobbing when you have to laugh out loud celebrating how grand the victory is.
Weeping to see the mask running low with sweat, tired of grinning at how splendid love looks.
You seem so young but I know you are weathered.
Don’t you want to take a break?

……

But hold on, Mask.
Hold on a second.
Let me think it over.
Let me reckon what I just said to you.
No, no, no.
Do you need to listen to what I said?
Yes, you should.
But should you change?
No!
It is a big no-no.

I am happy that I am here for you.
I am what I am as you are what you are.
I am your shadow, where you can hide for a while.
I am your sanctuary, where you can take shelter.
I am your bin, where you want to dump all your hazardous wastes of make-up.
I am your Lover.
I can be your Beloved, too.

Dear, Mask.
Be a good mask.
Play the best acting as you can.
If life is a joke, let yourself be the greatest Joker.
When life orders pretension, be the greatest Pretender.
You take the best Role in this Life,
With me beyond your Play.

evening-of-hope-feature

Dear, Mask.
Just don’t forget that….
There is the Playwright.
Never ever take action without His bloody instruction.

Dear, Mask….
“Camera! Action!”

Singapore – August 11, 2019 / 10:45pm

Picture borrowed from https://myvancity.ca/2016/01/14/evening-of-hope-gala/

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Experience Sharing – ranting

I’ve lived in this tiny country for more than six years and experience is the one making me the richest. I’m sharing you one most frequent.

I’m physically very ordinary, almost ugly, dark, chubby, short, not fashion conscious. And all in all I am poor or look poor – my source of income is only my monthly salary and some bonus from the company, other than that nothing. So, people can expect unexpected from an “I am” and will think that they can’t use me in a way but suddenly they would get crazily lured to use me up to the driest point when they know who I am — who am I? Nobody.

Ok. Time to rant —

One experience today,

I went to Funan Mall in City Hall area to buy rear light for my bike missing after my minor accident to the office and a tote back to be installed in my dear bike. As normal as a customer ever I greeted the shopkeeper and asked politely if I can get a spare of rear light.

Shopkeeper: What type is your bike?

Although confused with his question I answered “the one with M handle bar”.

Shopkeeper: This is a rear light. You know it or not?

I nodded and said yes.

Shopkeeper: Hey, you know the price or not?

I got a bit heated up because of his constantly high tone since I greeted him, so I politely challenged him: Why are you asking me about the price? I thought it is $45. Is it still the same?

Shopkeeper: So why did you tell me about the handle bar?! And you know the price is $45!

Hmm…. Rude guy! I was guessing he was testing me if I really intended to buy or just walked around the new store.

“Sir, you asked me about what type of bike I have then asked me about how much is the rear light of my bike. Now you are shouting at me as if I hurt your pride?” said I politely.

Shopkeeper: Sure you can buy or not?

I went away with poker face without looking at him then approached the other guy who was younger and nicer.

…. Another experience some months ago

I met a specialist in one of the best hospitals in the city and spent quite a lot to treat my disease. I shared with someone – let’s call her a friend.

Friend: Why didn’t you go to government hospital, it gives you cheaper package with the same quality of service. In this country medical services are quite standardised, only thing if you go to private ones you spend much more. Poor people deserves poor service!

I couldn’t say anything but smiled. I didn’t explain to her that I’m not a citizen or permanent resident that will get such privilege including the medical services. As a human being – knowing whether I am poor or rich – she shouldn’t have said the last sentence to anyone. Anyone, even if really poor

This Friend is still around me. I’m still good to her. And just FYI, it was not her first sharp words that were thrown to my face. I always tell myself that she is just being her, not more not less.

…. Another experience some years ago

I entered the office lobby. Today I would meet my interviewers for the final job interview. I was nervous, happy, worried and excited at the same time. Holding my Blackberry with both hands, I headed to the receptionist.

“Good morning, Ma’am.”

“You want meet who?” Oh my…. The Singlish was a striking welcome to me. πŸ˜ƒ

“I’d like to meet with Ms X and Mr Y for job interview.”

“You Rike Jo ha?”

“Yes, I’m Rike Jo, Ma’am.”

“Sit first la. I’ll call them. You can’t use Blackberry, only iPhone here ya. Can not connect internet for browsing la.”

Oh my goodness. What a joke! I’m here to get a job, not to connect to internet.

“Hey, you from where? Indon?”

“Indonesia, Ma’am.”

“Ok Indon ya.”

“Indonesia, Ma’am.”

“Ok ok ok. Sit there, wait for 10 minutes they’ll come.”

Oh my god. And later I found that that receptionist was in-house subcontractor – the worst ever of liking to boss around and boast around talking about the company employees whom she didn’t really like so much. And more importantly, we are not prohibited to use any brands of gadgets in the office – but why bother using other brands if your own brand is the best on earth?! 😊

I still have my other stupendous and enriching experiences but it is too much for me to tell random samples of people from various factors who have judged people by their sole blurry eyes. Let it be, let it be.

Those people have judged me with their shallow mind, unfair position, misleading intention, partial data, insufficient information and the most of it with their pompous arrogance of being superior than someone coming from their backyard.

I am normally just feeling upset then immediately back to normal but today I was so fed up with those people. I pray that they know their points of view are not enough to evaluate others. They need distance, method and clarity to view then evaluate others. They should think before they say. They should listen to understand and not to reply. They should see before they leap…. Or else someday they will fall down and break down.

I will stay here for at least the next 5 years before I’m back to a human being without formal profession. By then I will have been a mature lady who knows that the world is spinning because some good guy accept others’ stupidity as learning curve, weigh others’ unfairness as a self reminder to be always stable, embrace one’s own anguish as the warmth among the cold ignorance of the modern people, and arrange all those into a beautiful arrangement of balancing points.

I still have many good friends here that make my life so beautiful and peaceful. And I will just be their good one, too.

Life is so colourful. I’ll enjoy it, with some ranting on at times….

Salam….

Khatib, July 26, 2019 – 21:03

New Year’s Resolution – serious ranting

My home is near the MRT railway, every five minutes two 6-car trains will go to both directions. And, today they do their routine of life. But there is something different, like they know it is almost 2019 and want to celebrate the year exchange.

The trains sound more merrier.

And the vehicles in the crossroad just down floors below run like no energy is lacking or no drowsiness greets the drivers.

Around where I live there are a lot of trees that I hope won’t be cut down for long years to come. I love them as they are the ones making my breath lighter and healthier. And tonight I feel they send out purer air to me.

And there is a reservoir that is cleaned daily by the boatmen on the blue boats. It still looks dark at night but the water reflection is clearer and more magnificent.

All do more magic tonight…. Because it is new year tomorrow.Β And I am infected by their spirit of best performance of now here and so I want to be in the harmony with Nature now here and next year.

I might not be able to get a mentor that I expected but I will make myself the best mentor for myself to be more professional – clarity on what I do, purity on what I intend. I might not be the best of all but I will make myself the best version of me – committed and true. I might not get everything I wish but I will make myself to get what’s the best I deserve.

Tonight I welcome 2019 at home looking at my plants in the small balcony, going back and forth the fridge to get cool water – I don’t drink beer fyi, seeing all the passers by, enjoying the dogs’ smell from the one living under my balcony. The air, water, cloud, unseen sky, shy rain, greenery in the black black new year’s eve, all people celebrating far away with the fireworks, all the animals with shelters or without, all the blessed life under the sun, and all

To you I wish a….

…. Happy New Year 2019! The best is welcoming you.

I know next year is mine, too.

Temasek – December 31, 2019 – 11:18pm

 

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Renovated – ranting

It is my 3rd visit to Ayutthaya. Three rounds, one hotel – just across a historical wat (temple) at the river bank.

In my first visit in 2017 the wat was clearly seen from my window. White with some unclear yet predictable patch of mould. Beautiful and grand.

The second visit just last August it was being renovated. Covered with green nets and perched by workmen, the wat looked surrendered and retreat.

Now, the renovation is going on. The wat is shiny and white like marble, maybe glazed with porcelain. Hopefully. Yet the green net is still there, workmen are still busy behind the net. Dogs are still barking there maybe shouting at visitors. I don’t even know if visitors are allowed during construction.

Ayutthaya, you don’t fail me.

Ayutthaya – Dec. 26, 2018 – 14:27

Secret – ranting

And from now on I will have to keep it secret.

Sometimes you don’t have to tell anyone what you think.
And I decided not to tell people what I think about a person if not about important things.

Sometimes you don’t have to share how you feel to anyone.
And I decided to not share anything if not important things.

But what is not important about your life?
Everything is important.
So, wanna expose everything?
Hmm….
Ok, yet priority makes it simple.

Yeah, I decided to filter what to be told and shared.
Gosh!
What an unimportant ranting mine is!

Happy holidays!

Singapore – December 23, 2018 – 12:19am

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Caged Bird – free verse

My father had a black starling.
It loved eating kepok* banana – no, had no choice.
It sang – no, cried
It danced – no, nervous
It entertained our guests – no, tried to escape
It slept peacefully – no, dreamed nightmares days and nights
It did happily – no, a prisoner.

The cage was wires and wood.
We hoped it could talk.

Our family moved
To a much smaller home.
Our starling got neglected
How much I can feel the guilty is like a teary moment to a bloody heart!

The black starling got a home
Bigger:
My mother’s relative.

It loved eating kepok* banana – no, had no choice.
It sang – no, cried
It danced – no, nervous
It entertained our guests – no, tried to escape
It slept peacefully – no, dreamed nightmares days and nights
It did happily – no, a prisoner.

The cage was wires and wood, half we gave to it.
We hoped it could talk.

If you are dead, dear Black Starling,
Be in a peaceful moment.
Fly with your beautiful wings, black and shiny!
Feed your life with all the fresh memories.
Forget all the cages and bars.
Be the air
Be the vapour
Be the atmosphere
Be our silent guidance to the freedom out of this cage.

Thank you for your will to be our prisoner
Thank you for your sincerity to be our exhibition
Thank you for your sacrifice to feed our ego
Thank you for your life to complete our purity.

See you across the bridge.
You’ve met him, right?
Tell him you forgive us.

Yours truly,

Me

Shanghai – Dec. 15, 2018 – 12:05 noon is here

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Pause

It’s been quite long I haven’t posted anything in this site. Too busy? Or not able to manage the time? Oh my goodness, how life lasts long yet runs so fast that it rolls in like a useless scroll.

Alas!
What will I give to Life?
Nothing?
Ya, nothing as I have nothing.
Yet, I still do things with my nothing.

Life,
Please guide me through my nothingness to the Light at the end of the scroll.

No, not at the end. It is along the scroll…

Glad to be here again….

The Estuary, Temasek – Nov. 30, 2018 – 9:47pm

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Just cluttering – ranting

Sitting in my tiny bedroom, I felt ache in my chest and said to myself, “Damn! How can I have so many things in my little nest? What am I going to build of those rubbish?”

Books, bottles, containers, clothes and other things were scatterred everywhere, on the floor, on the table, at the shelf, on my bed. Once again, what would I make with all of these? Nothing but an old lady hoarding bric-a-brac.

Please stop myself. Please….

“When I’m going to read my book, I’m confused which book I should read first as all the titles show me all the urgencies in life. When I’m going to write on my diary, I forgot which one is the most recent one as there are at least six different books and sketchbooks that I’ve used so far. When I’m going to iron my clothes, I’m confused which one should I work on first as the piling rags are covering my rooms. Oh my gosh!”

I stopped for a while and looked at my hands.
Only two hands….
What have they done in my life? My two hands have done so much but not so much, — too much unnecessary stuff.

….

Take a deep breath.

….

I have been clutterring and need decluttering.

….

Start with one simple thing. My mind.

…. Declutter my mind.
…. Throw away unnecessary things.
…. Just take what is needed, ignore what is not.
…. Stop talking, start doing.

Stop ranting!

Salam.

RA

Temasek – April 11, 2018 – 00:40

 

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Layers of Lights (ranting)

Lapisan lambang, makna, ilmu –

Cahaya di atas Cahaya

What you can capture with the eyes are those reflecting the light. The intensity of the Light affect the clarity of the object reflected to the lenses inside of your head.

But what is that object? That depends on what you have been informed through your experience from time to time. The longer the time, the more extensive the description of the object will be. The more frequent the object is scrutinised, the more comprehensive the description will be.

And if you are exchanging with more directions of sources, the object has become not only a description of what the Light has reflected to the lenses inside of our head but you will find that the object becomes a plane to define something else. It has turned into a symbol defining a meaning. The more expressive the symbol is defined, the deeper you search into yourself. And deeper deeper deeper to the abyssal ocean of inner knowledge. From your eyes to your head to your mind to your heart to your bottomless self….

Bottomless self?

It is where you’ll find the meaning of the meaning of the meaning of the meaning of the meaning of the meaning of the meaning……..of what reflected to the lenses inside of your head.

Layers of meaning is layers of Lights.

Light on light on light on light on light on light….

Light upon Light!

Muar – January 11, 2018 – 00:50

Sensation – haiku

Touches of the Wind —
Can those in the room feel it?
Ya, don’t shut the windows.

It is just a layer of sensations. You’ll never understand what others really think when you are not at the same layer of logic. And you’ll never comprehend what others really think if you are not in the same state of consciousness. I’m learning and un-learning at the same time — how would Life be cool if you seal yourself in a vacuum case?

Boom!

Moment is waiting.

Singapore – January 9, 2018 – 22:30

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