About Her

In love, Beloved,
With life witnessed by flowers
That bloom in my heart.

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I love but also don’t love myself.

flowing down
flowing in

I Trust You

Know not, Beloved
This path about to end when
And where. I trust you.

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Trust is what she’s been holding tight because without it she’s lost the grip against so much magnetic force around that will pull her into a gaping hole, where greediness can consume anyone till no end.

Thanks, Beloved, for giving me a life that’s imperfect but perfectly humbling me in many ways.

I trust You; voluntarily or forcefully.

💞

a song that touches my heart like a tiny leaf falling on a placid lake 💝 thank you

The Director

Her life, Beloved,
Perfectly-directed film
Ready for Oscars—

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She sometimes forgets that life is a performed script in which she is casted to act out a given role the best she can. She should follow the director’s direction and directive.

What about spectators? She should ignore spectators. Spectators are stars whose job is to see and comment on the film. And they pay for what they see and comment. The payment goes to the stars!

So, dear Star. Fix your moves. Better your expression. Tag your ears with the melody. Live in harmony, with your own self like Javanese Bedhaya performers who are meditatively drowned in the sacred composition.

Oscars are waiting.…

…. Only if you play all out!

Heart and soul dancing through body 💞

Alhamdulillah 🌻

The Director from Pinterest
Bedhaya, the epitome of Javanese dance

River

River, Beloved,
Flows. Let things go with the flow
From, in, through, to you.

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Feel the flow: calm, swift, pushing, breaking, splashing, swirling, stuck, moving. No matter what, flow.

enzo on a plate
golden enzo

Home

A home, Beloved
Not an outlook— it’s the soul
That hugs when inside.

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I bought my first property at 34, a bit late from the original plan simply because I was broke. It was a small house in Greater Jakarta, that is now called “Rumah Bob” (literally Bob’s home) named after my cat Bob.

It is one tiny house in a small cluster, uniformly designed with minimum freedom to show “me” — the owner can only have it painted different colours, install different window sills, plant different flowers and design different garden, add different carport, or maybe buy different cars.

That has motivated me to have a home that reflects “the me that I want to present”. None of the houses offered to me by brokers or friends hit my core although some were into my taste— of course some were simply too pricy. 😩 I rejected all offers.

Apology – Some people (who helped search property for me) thought I was too much because for some of them a house is simply a place to live in comfort, while I’ve always dreamt to live in a home where I can express the true me and help my guests understand their true selves by visiting the home. A few of them sarcastically said I shouldn’t have searched through them if I didn’t have enough money — ohhhhhh some bloody stings!!! 😂 Yet I did apologise to them for being so difficult.

I decided to buy a small plot of land in a greenery in Yogyakarta (my father’s home town) and build a home from scratch.

Architect – It’s very important to choose the right architect. Not necessarily the most prominent as to me integrity and friendship is the most important thing – luckily my best friend recommended her student to work on my dream. Working with an architect who was artist had blessed me. She understood what was wanted by her clients but she never got satisfied even when the clients said the final draft was excellent. She would get back to me saying “Mbak, I think I find which part should be optimised. I’ll get back to you with a new draft.” Thanks to Mbak Novi.

The Core – My home will never impress random onlookers from the outlook or those who think a good house is a luxurious building; they will simply think it’s a humble abode clean and fresh. It will only impress its guests, family and friends who truly relate with me as human beings with different kinds of engagements or those who know how to appreciate humanity and ordinary.

I wish to be granted health and prosperity to live long enough to enjoy being a sincere host in my true home to those who love life.

A dream come true! Alhamdulillah.

May all beings be happy. 💝

front door, greeting family and friends with all my heart and soul – no fake people are welcome

Cheese!

Be smile, Beloved,
A curve where warmth is contained.
Emoticon not—

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Smiling is an activity which will be a habit and the skin of the owner if well trained. And so it can disappear when not practiced anymore.

Smile and smile and smile then she’ll be the smile itself. Smiling is watermelon juice! Sweet and fresh!

Happy weekend! Skip laundry! Don’t care about the mountain of ready-to-wash. Just smile!

Salaam….

smile, Lucy! Lucy has started her job as a key ring at my bag and she has been trying to compete smiling against me 😁 hush! I’m winning 🙂

Cycled

After the moon? No.
The sun is where this heart walks
With rain that visits.

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Chasing what’s not clear and uncertain was an exciting thing for the hot-blooded. Dark, shadowy picture of what she once imagined has started fading away. The moon’s shift is over.

Walking in this forest, the leaves has rekindled her faith that rain is paying a short visit. When the rain stops, she will again realise that her heart is always enveloped in the warmth of clarity.

Sunbeam always opens a new chapter in which sunshine will take over what’s mysterious and frightening. Light will help her eyes see things the way they are, no assumption, no prejudice. It is what it is.

When she reaches the edge of the forest, she will step on a meadow where the moon is again sending shadow but this time there is no mystery anymore.

All is clear. All is well. What it takes is just counting the milestones and blessing all that are sensed.

May all beings be happy.

take the bent road or go ahead? your choice, the sun will guide you 🧭

Kebun Raya Purwodadi

A She In Words

A she, Beloved,
Is far and near, clear and blur,
But not true or false.

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Some people describe something so beautifully that others feel found and blessed. Those people are called the wise.

Weekend is rich with memes and kitchen; a bit chaotic with laundry and rain. Like a she she is! 🤩

All memes: from Pinterest

Walk On Not Away

Walk life on colours.
Down’s green. Up’s blue. Inside’s clear.
Here’s some red for fun.

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It depends on what she mixes on the pallets. Any hues will appear as she wishes.

She keeps working on a canvas because it is hers. Her parts of body work in harmony to draw a picture of her complete cycle of life.

She’s covered at least half of her journey so she won’t turn back. Besides, the sign doesn’t allow her to.

Weekend, weekend. 🍃

life is about moving forward, Singapore’s Treetop Walk reminded me that

Life Should Be

Blissful, Beloved,
Joyful, gleeful— life should be.
Save the right window.

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‘m praying that I’ll be saved from any danger and threats from any creature. Amen…

Nagasari or Nogosari is rice cake filled with ripe banana, one “snack” included in Javanese praying ceremony. This food symbolises prayer to God for safety and security from any danger and threats from any creature; and so a Javanese’s life can be blissful, joyful and gleeful.

Always sit next to the right window, dear Self. 💝

prayer of safety and security in a piece of ramekin 🥰
modern Nagasari, should be wrapped in banana leaf but today it was steamed in a 💝 instead

Rose Garden

Garden, Beloved,
Fertilized with poisons? Dead!
Cinder rose goes off.

———————————————————

A group call with my brother and sister in law is mostly either stupid or crazy. Once we talked about the old time passing and our addiction.

How someone gets addicted to something is mostly started from a physical or mental exit of pain— either clinically prescribed or personally decided— followed by excessive dependency on the substances or the activities.

I’ve seen how people addicted to medicine (I was to pain killer), drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc have changed from beautiful human beings into ugly persons either physically or mentally. It’s how awful co-dependency shapes someone’s life. Moreover, there is no addiction in any history that brings true happiness or freedom.

Three of us then discussed about someone who was addicted to something unusual: spiritual drills. Having all resources, the person went shopping on various classes and workshops about spirituality and self help such as meditation, mindfulness, tapping therapy, money magnet and how to optimise it spiritually, how to activate chakra, yoga and blahblahblah, gemstones and their spiritual power, mandala and spiritual awakening, how spiritual life pull financial abundance, spiritual traveling around many places, etc. One had been in one’s 60th class last time we met. One would be able to answer all questions in any possible ways. I called one ‘Mr/Ms Know All’, a euphemistic nick name that might be loved by those addicted to power and authority. Some friends called this person “Mr/Ms Spiritual Junky”.

What I remember about this person is that no one around was genuinely appreciated, everyone was just a “who-are-you-you-think-you’re-better-than-me”. One called most of one’s friends “cantrik”, a Javanese word that literally means follower/helper and would never be up to one’s level (one called one’s self healer and universe map reader).

How ironic! From someone who were full of compassion to someone who were full of envy and insecurity—

I think many if not all people to some extent were once addict who learned the lessons and changed the patterns to be free from co-dependency. My brother was a heavy smoker, been stopping for around 3 years. My sister in law was a Korean drama freak and quit. I myself was addicted to those I fell for and heavily overthinking.

“I almost got addicted to someone again.”

“Let go! Let go! Let go!” said they to me like cheerleaders.

Definitely! It’s a waste to wait for emotionally unavailable people to care that I care about them. I’m ok to get soaked in love and compassion but not in addiction to people. 💝

Addiction, oh addiction.

Alfatihah to all of those who are addicted to anything in any situation. Be healed and blessed.

are they addicted to gadget or hugs? so clingy, damn…. 😂

Addiction to technology?

cinder rose, dusty pink 🥰 from Pinterest

Fish Of Murky Water

Murky, Beloved,
That pool’s full of mud and smell.
Enough to kill fish—

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There is a proverb in Indonesian “ada udang di balik batu” literally “there are shrimps behind the rocks” that means there is a hidden (fishy) agenda.

I’ve received some invites from “unclear” people in Instagram, most are men that I believe scammers trying to lure a victim whatever they are aiming at from me; maybe as simple as attention or most probably money. And how did I feel? Disturbed? Not at all. Scammers are equivalent with friends with hidden (fishy) agenda— they are sources of entertainment either directly connected or just ignored.

God bless you all scammers. You’ll find a way to get a big money with your work, plus the logical consequences but not from me.

May all beings be happy.

barbecued pomfret – finally the fish (not from murky water) was served after some situational vegetarian period 🥰
sambal dabu-dabu, a specialty from Manado, North Sulawesi, Indonesia – I can never finish the archipelago culinary experience 🥰

Scented World

Flowers scent the air
With messages telling her
To follow North Star.
The path brings her to the gate
Where home is a state of mind.

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Home is where the heart belongs to. This wanderer finds it where she is. Now and here….

very sweet scented orchids; bringing me to wherever I wanna wander
very sweet scented orchids; bringing me to a home inside

Red Leaves

Red leaves, Beloved,
Are red yet the eyes might catch
Different reds. Normal—

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My red is a red no matter how red is mine compared to others’ reds. I respect others’ reds by not questioning their ability to perceive a red. In fact I only care about the reds of those in my inner circle in order to live harmoniously; and, those working together in order to ensure that the red is articulated precisely with no misunderstanding by all work partners.

Alhamdulillah.

May all beings be happy in this Christmas Eve. 💝

I love all reds in my frame. I joyfully let those out of the frame go.

Where Will I Go

Nature, Beloved,
Speaks to you about a path
Where wings be North Star
Which gives signs and directions
Only when you walk.

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Only when you know your destination, Beloved, and are willing to take the walk, all signs, symbols and directions become relevant.

Salaam…. 💝

many branches, prioritise!
it is good to have a map, but having a destination is a pre-condition
there’s always risk in an action – evaluate and still do the walk
there should be an exit of everything – decision making is paramount, don’t get trapped in indecisiveness
know where to evacuate esp in emergency situation
know where and what to wait 💝

How To See The Self

Mirror on the wall,
I’m the prettiest of all?
It cracks up. Masks gone—

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Ah, weekends of mid December! Work is slowing down on several days. Weekends feel like starting on Friday morning. I have some longer time to talk to the mirror and find that I’m still there! A hidden innocent rascal nicely sitting behind layers of curtains

Masquerade on break!

🤡👻🤖👽😈👹👺🎭💩🎃👾🤠

🥰

May all beings be happy! 💝

🤩
watching Maru, feeling like looking at the mirror 🤪

You, Air

Air— warm, hot or cold
Glides through all cavities
Of bodies for life.

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I want to forget you for the rest of my life and in the next life and the next next next ones but these senses are too intelligent, able to capture the most minuscule amount of signs and symbols that you’re around.

Let me celebrate your noise everyday. Thank you for knocking on all senses doors.

Salaam…. 💝

celebrate today with a blueberry yogurt cake 🖖🏼

One by One

Colours will fade away
At the front gate of
A new season,
Leaving beautiful memories
To the garden.

No regret, Beloved
If all are infused with love.
No right,
No wrong.
Only lessons,
And wisdom
Imprinted—

Cycle is short;
Life is forever.
Each of the pearls in a strand is perfect when it’s loose. And so is a cycle in your life—

If I owe you one cycle,
Beloved,
I’ll come back
With a bunch of fruits
Ready to harvest.
Ready to taste
By your own senses—

See you again,
Beloved.
Choose what seed you want me to grow.

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tulip losing some petals

Flowers losing petals is a natural phase before plants are harvested for the fruits, the bulbs or other parts. Or, the flowers are the ones harvested to experience falling petals before they dry out naturally. It’s an end of one cycle at the same time a start of another.

one by one
🌷

May all beings be happy.

Thanksgiving

Thanks for everything
Not only abundance, but
Also scarcity.

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Online work mode has made people think creatively to minimize boredom including inserting some fun through dress code in online meetings. This time thanksgiving. Yay!

I’ve read some history and the development of that tradition, not a fans though because I am raised a Javanese who is supposed to thank every day —every moment if possible— with whatever reason. If you don’t have reasons to be grateful, find one.

For being a human being. For being a female. For being one rascal in the family. For being a persistent colleague. For the abundance. For the scarcity. For being me now.

If it is still hard to thank for who you are, Beloved, just be you with the layers of fear, hope and awe.

Thank you! For everything 🐣

not a fans of costume but thanksgiving is not far from turkey, turkey headband is counted costume 🦃☺️ my hair! 🙄

Generous Nature

Lily bulbs come back
Among red leaves in autumn.
Second chance from Her—

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What is second chance? Once again? Or again and again like lily bulbs that come back every autumn and bloom beautifully until forever ends?

spider lily near cemetery

Mother Nature has taught me that mistake doesn’t come with punishment; it comes with lesson to be a better human being, someone who has purer intention and clearer attention. She consistently brings messages about acceptance that no one will be perfect as imperfection is an included package to realise and/or materialise perfection. That welcoming the next good day is doing the best today. That if the next now called tomorrow is here, the second chance has welcome me to be a better me. A me that’s more me than before—

I remember my Kyoto trip in 2014, my first encounter with spider lily. Fascinated, I sat down on the grass for quite long time in front of a temple with my camera until a beautiful Japanese (old) lady stopped by me.

“Hana! Hana! Hana!” She said smiling, with her thumbs pointed to the lily then to my camera.

“Ya! Ya! Ya! Thank you! Beautiful flowers!”

It was a surprise for me. A moment with no preparation. A short act with no anticipation. She just went away with her wise old smile.

That lady was probably sent to me as a second chance to re-define what possibly a Japanese truly looks like as the previous week I didn’t have a good experience with another one in Nagano.

I won’t probably meet with her again, yet enough for me to know that when I’m that age, I’d like to be as friendly and warm as her. 💝

Thank you for everything that comes with second chance, even second chance after my second chance so that in the second second chance I realise that it is my second chance not to be missed.

Al-Fatihah for all those who miss the second chance and those who are waiting for a second chance.

Salaam….

spider lily at the rice field – I haven’t seen it in my country, worth trying

Both pictures are borrowed from https://www.japanvisitor.com/japanese-culture/seasons/higanbana