Rhombusly Flying Kite (ranting)

Five dots of a shape
Balance the soar, fly and land.
A flying rhombus--

I listened to a rebroadcast of #DVETSiaranPagi last evening and thought the discussion points are relevant with what I’ve seen around me: the love bombing, ghosting then missing, not true to self, etc. Thanks for discussing it! I’d like to reflect about myself on those. 💕

about (my falling in) love

Through time love in human being is still the same, a sprectrum of certain emotion quality expression that expands to different extremes, either one or the other extreme or both extremes in order to serve one’s own life and others’. One extreme is the lust-loaded love that imprisons and the other is compassion-loaded love that saves the world and true love as a balanced combination of both that liberates. (my personal opinion based on what I’ve learnt, unlearnt, relearnt — can be inaccurate and impermanent)

Expansion of service and love expression can be within or without the person depending on how the human being experiences life and responds to it. Some human beings build a unit of society (family, organization, community, village, etc) to feel the expansion of service, others don’t. Some can be expressive in love, some just hide emotion deep down. No right or wrong, it is a process of balancing horizontally and vertically –like flying a kite– that might be successful in here now or not.

In my age (late 40’s) if I am found out of falling in love (romantically) in my country, I can be cursed as “wanita gatal” (itchy woman) even if I don’t do any harm to others with my love. In fact what happens is simply an expansion of love — from loving myself to loving myself and another person. Lucky I live in a country where people don’t care about what’s not harming them. Thank you!

Romantic love very seldom perches on my emotion tree yet once it comes, it will not be something I will stop. I will just wisely manage the emotion as I never want to disturb the person I love especially when seeing there is no reciprocity and/or compatibility between us, hoping that this emotion fades away slowly gradually with as little harm as possible. Broken hearted is not nice. 🙃

I will show him from certain distance how I feel about him but I will make sure it won’t make him feel threatened. Yet who can control his reaction or response? This is where I am different from my passive friends on romance.

about love bombing

It is a new terminology for me yet I know very well that I experienced it in my relationship (the only one I had, ended in 2010): given all attention and gifts, promised with sugar-coated lies, got ghosted then left in despair. Oh, never again….

about love expression

I love poems and I love my Beloved, the only One most understanding me, the only One never leaving me in any situation and the One putting much love and compassion in my heart.

My mental body feels like a rhombus kite with 5 dots: the dot on top is my soul, the dots at the right and left are my thinking function and my feeling function, the dot at the bottom is my desire towards physical pleasure whatever it is (food, drink, jewelry, sex drive, etc) and the dot in the middle is my heart which is the balancing gravity of the 4 dots at the 4 points of rhombus (qolbu in Arabic). Only when all those 5 dots are interacting in balance then this rhombus kite can fly, soaring perfectly, riding the wind; that is when a human being is in a state of mindfullness or meditative. Rhombusly flying kite❣️

With my poem I will express all the love from those 5 dots. Sometimes I talk from the dot at the top. Sometimes from the dot at the bottom. Sometimes from 2 dots, 3 dots, 4 dots; and when I am aware of the true self, my poems are the love expression of my 5 dots.

People might think it is an exaggeration of love expression; many of my friends reading my poems said “kamu kasmaran nggak henti-henti ya, Rike?” translated into “are you constantly madly in love, Rike?” and that was why I hide the comment section so no one will have a chance to spit bad words about my love poems. Only some who know my journey will really understand. It doesn’t matter.

I saw love bombing although not as often; am I? I am showering my life and life surrounding me with love and compassion; and I am grateful for that. That some of the expression is aiming at someone (who eventually can feel it), I’m thankful and saying “You are safe, I am not love bombing you, this is a tiny love that I can offer.”

Without mentioning my crush name, I discussed my feeling with my best friend who unsurprisingly didn’t judge me yet she said “I restrict myself from loving a man, I don’t want to think about romance, I just want to retire happily” 😂 I didn’t continue the discussion as I never want to shake her feeling of security of being single.

Will I continue my love expression? With no doubt: yes, it is about being true to myself until time decides otherwise. If I don’t look true to others, so be it.

I won’t waste my time hating or worrying about being hated. I don’t either believe with “too much love will kill you”; it is too much lust that kills you.

My love flows like a river, (over)flows to the sea to unite with

You. Insya Allah.

about true to self

I express love more smoothly but when it comes to job, I don’t openly talk about it in social media or public because it contains NDA. Job to me is a dedication in life, in which I feel that my life is meaningful for and well utilised by the human beings in my walk of life. My job is about being true to my own self and true to the contract that I’ve signed. 💕

Dear Love,

I rest my case for now. I have to work.

Salaam.