Sep 2019 was a big milestone in my life. I joined a daily-life-experience-based workshop called “Self Discovery” in Hawick, Edinburgh. I still felt mild headache and minor discomfort everyday as I tried to cut off my pain killer intake but the different daily life totally poles apart from my tropical life gave me unusual strength to complete the workshop.
Chisholme House from the hill
I met other students and many others (facilitators, care takers and guests) who shared spiritual journey experience. I heard a lot of stories from them; life experiences that instead of breaking the people, the experiences rebuilt them to be human beings with holistic perspective about life. Some of them experienced much worse situation than most; imagine someone who was physically abused as a child then suffered from deadly disease and left by her spouse with weak reason; someone physically abused by her spouse while being a financial supporter, someone suffering from huge bankrupcy and left by family, losing marriage and all family members, etc….
My situation (both physical discomfort and silent mental breakdown) compared to theirs seemed to be a tennis ball compared to basketball or even this globe. Just because of getting no menses and the growth in the brain and I’d played so big a drama as if I’d lost my life…. Come on, human!
the hill from Chisholme House
They indirectly helped me wake up from long hibernation. I silently thanked them in daily prayers among daily household chores: cleaning the house and yard, ironing linens, cooking the meals, making the dining table, washing the dishes, harvesting potatos, walking up and down the hill almost everyday to pray in the monument (this one was not mandatory, my own fave), cleaning the toilets, morning meditation, daily discussion (intense yet enlightening), weekly dzikr with the rest of participants (students, facilitators, care takers, guests), and so on and so forth. Life is about doing things even when it is simply making a flower arrangement for the dining table.
Maddy in the dining room where we all exchanged joy among other activities — dear God, i’d like to be there at least once again
Going back home, I was still the same person just with clearer perspective about life and with fondness to do household chores (this was truly good foundation to face the pandemic). Life is about experiencing what is by firmly embracing genuine intension, about accepting what is but never giving up good hopes and dreams, about sharing what’s granted without letting myself become broke, about becoming a human being.
I went home with a liberated mind. I promised to love myself fully by embracing that whether I had my menses or not, I was still a woman. I pledged in silence that I would take care of my body, mind and spirit better. The soul? Soul is soul, pure and healthy but probably blurr in dim — once the body, mind and spirit get healthy and balanced, the soul gets brighter and clearer.
Oct 18, 2019 was an important day: 1st day of giving up my hijab, the fashion I’d worn since I was 17– a small move that hugely changed details of my life. I gave it up with genuine intention and sufficient knowledge after my final contemplation during my workshop in the UK. I wanted to give up something that made me think that I was a fake because of doing it halfheartedly. I made it clear that although I didn’t wear hijab, I still could be a good human being.
I gained confidence and compliment from those respecting my decision but I also lost trust and connection from those considering me lost in the dark. I got one most hitting statement from someone saying “No worry, you are lost, Allah will guide you back.” But I also received compliments about clarity, bravery and honesty. So be it, both don’t bother me.
😊❣️
Walking home that day I felt very uncomfortable with my body, something I never had before. But I just accepted whatever it was. Reaching home, I found out of getting my menses — the first after 10 years!
So much hustle as I was not ready with whatever was needed for this supposed-to-be-regular-but-gone-for-10-years thing.
I got my menses! Until today some of friends still mocked me “You remember when you got your 1st menses at 44? Like a euphoric! While others probably would say damn I’ve got menses again so annoying!”
Until today I will say thank you everytime the menstruation comes although I have to feel 1 day or two of discomfort. It is a blessing that I missed before, it is a blessing that I thank every month and forever.
The endocrinologist decreased the medication dosage. He just said that there would be the next MRI to check the size of the growth. I am still taking the medicine but only 1.5 dosage per week, much lesser than before. My prolactin is still within 400-500, checked every 3 months with other kinds of blood test included to see my overall condition. Alhamdulillah….
I don’t deny the excitement and gratefulness of getting my menses back. This proof that the previous diagnose was wrong has rejoiced me. However, I don’t want to glorify it; someday I will get menopause (once again) sooner or later 😁.
with all that i’ve gone through, how can i deny this?
The most important thing is that my brain tumor has shrunk significantly. No daily headache. No daily discomfort. No uncertain anxiety. No vague expectation anymore.
I accept me. I accept my life.
2019 is a year when this human being stood up again in humble stance on life and clear sight about hers. The 10-year bitterness has turned to be a sweet memory.
Thanks for the journey, Beloved.
rike jokanan 
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