About Her

In love, Beloved,
With life witnessed by flowers
That bloom in my heart.

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I love but also don’t love myself.

flowing down
flowing in

Process Based

Blooming, Beloved
Not the most important phase.
Root is foundation
Where seed is a buried secret
With dancing roots, and the crop—

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Mind the strong foundation resiliently planting you to where you stand and contribution generously assisting yourself and those around.

💝

Strong Weakness

Weakness, Beloved
A bamboo bent by the wind,
No crack found. Intact—

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They call it weak, bamboo just sways beautifully. They call it havoc, bamboo just jerks along the storm rigorously.

Bamboo stays strong with its hollow and light life.

Salaam. 💞

bamboo blowing in the wind from davidlondonmd.com

I Trust You

Know not, Beloved
This path about to end when
And where. I trust you.

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Trust is what she’s been holding tight because without it she’s lost the grip against so much magnetic force around that will pull her into a gaping hole, where greediness can consume anyone till no end.

Thanks, Beloved, for giving me a life that’s imperfect but perfectly humbling me in many ways.

I trust You; voluntarily or forcefully.

💞

a song that touches my heart like a tiny leaf falling on a placid lake 💝 thank you

River

River, Beloved,
Flows. Let things go with the flow
From, in, through, to you.

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Feel the flow: calm, swift, pushing, breaking, splashing, swirling, stuck, moving. No matter what, flow.

enzo on a plate
golden enzo

Disclosure

Seed deeply buried,
Grown finding the sun slowly—
It is about time.

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Good life was once tiny little secret longing for forgiveness and blessings.

I accept my history, present and future.

May all beings be happy. 💝

secret unveiled, happy life

Home

A home, Beloved
Not an outlook— it’s the soul
That hugs when inside.

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I bought my first property at 34, a bit late from the original plan simply because I was broke. It was a small house in Greater Jakarta, that is now called “Rumah Bob” (literally Bob’s home) named after my cat Bob.

It is one tiny house in a small cluster, uniformly designed with minimum freedom to show “me” — the owner can only have it painted different colours, install different window sills, plant different flowers and design different garden, add different carport, or maybe buy different cars.

That has motivated me to have a home that reflects “the me that I want to present”. None of the houses offered to me by brokers or friends hit my core although some were into my taste— of course some were simply too pricy. 😩 I rejected all offers.

Apology – Some people (who helped search property for me) thought I was too much because for some of them a house is simply a place to live in comfort, while I’ve always dreamt to live in a home where I can express the true me and help my guests understand their true selves by visiting the home. A few of them sarcastically said I shouldn’t have searched through them if I didn’t have enough money — ohhhhhh some bloody stings!!! 😂 Yet I did apologise to them for being so difficult.

I decided to buy a small plot of land in a greenery in Yogyakarta (my father’s home town) and build a home from scratch.

Architect – It’s very important to choose the right architect. Not necessarily the most prominent as to me integrity and friendship is the most important thing – luckily my best friend recommended her student to work on my dream. Working with an architect who was artist had blessed me. She understood what was wanted by her clients but she never got satisfied even when the clients said the final draft was excellent. She would get back to me saying “Mbak, I think I find which part should be optimised. I’ll get back to you with a new draft.” Thanks to Mbak Novi.

The Core – My home will never impress random onlookers from the outlook or those who think a good house is a luxurious building; they will simply think it’s a humble abode clean and fresh. It will only impress its guests, family and friends who truly relate with me as human beings with different kinds of engagements or those who know how to appreciate humanity and ordinary.

I wish to be granted health and prosperity to live long enough to enjoy being a sincere host in my true home to those who love life.

A dream come true! Alhamdulillah.

May all beings be happy. 💝

front door, greeting family and friends with all my heart and soul – no fake people are welcome

A She In Words

A she, Beloved,
Is far and near, clear and blur,
But not true or false.

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Some people describe something so beautifully that others feel found and blessed. Those people are called the wise.

Weekend is rich with memes and kitchen; a bit chaotic with laundry and rain. Like a she she is! 🤩

All memes: from Pinterest

Walk On Not Away

Walk life on colours.
Down’s green. Up’s blue. Inside’s clear.
Here’s some red for fun.

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It depends on what she mixes on the pallets. Any hues will appear as she wishes.

She keeps working on a canvas because it is hers. Her parts of body work in harmony to draw a picture of her complete cycle of life.

She’s covered at least half of her journey so she won’t turn back. Besides, the sign doesn’t allow her to.

Weekend, weekend. 🍃

life is about moving forward, Singapore’s Treetop Walk reminded me that

Rose Garden

Garden, Beloved,
Fertilized with poisons? Dead!
Cinder rose goes off.

———————————————————

A group call with my brother and sister in law is mostly either stupid or crazy. Once we talked about the old time passing and our addiction.

How someone gets addicted to something is mostly started from a physical or mental exit of pain— either clinically prescribed or personally decided— followed by excessive dependency on the substances or the activities.

I’ve seen how people addicted to medicine (I was to pain killer), drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc have changed from beautiful human beings into ugly persons either physically or mentally. It’s how awful co-dependency shapes someone’s life. Moreover, there is no addiction in any history that brings true happiness or freedom.

Three of us then discussed about someone who was addicted to something unusual: spiritual drills. Having all resources, the person went shopping on various classes and workshops about spirituality and self help such as meditation, mindfulness, tapping therapy, money magnet and how to optimise it spiritually, how to activate chakra, yoga and blahblahblah, gemstones and their spiritual power, mandala and spiritual awakening, how spiritual life pull financial abundance, spiritual traveling around many places, etc. One had been in one’s 60th class last time we met. One would be able to answer all questions in any possible ways. I called one ‘Mr/Ms Know All’, a euphemistic nick name that might be loved by those addicted to power and authority. Some friends called this person “Mr/Ms Spiritual Junky”.

What I remember about this person is that no one around was genuinely appreciated, everyone was just a “who-are-you-you-think-you’re-better-than-me”. One called most of one’s friends “cantrik”, a Javanese word that literally means follower/helper and would never be up to one’s level (one called one’s self healer and universe map reader).

How ironic! From someone who were full of compassion to someone who were full of envy and insecurity—

I think many if not all people to some extent were once addict who learned the lessons and changed the patterns to be free from co-dependency. My brother was a heavy smoker, been stopping for around 3 years. My sister in law was a Korean drama freak and quit. I myself was addicted to those I fell for and heavily overthinking.

“I almost got addicted to someone again.”

“Let go! Let go! Let go!” said they to me like cheerleaders.

Definitely! It’s a waste to wait for emotionally unavailable people to care that I care about them. I’m ok to get soaked in love and compassion but not in addiction to people. 💝

Addiction, oh addiction.

Alfatihah to all of those who are addicted to anything in any situation. Be healed and blessed.

are they addicted to gadget or hugs? so clingy, damn…. 😂

Addiction to technology?

cinder rose, dusty pink 🥰 from Pinterest

Time Takes Side

Time flows, Beloved,
To an estuary of hope.
Time flows, Beloved,
To the eternity sea.
Won’t be long before we meet—

Time flows, Beloved
To you through me. White beacon
Blinks red at low tide.
Wind says the woodlands miss me.
Time flows, Beloved. Thank you.

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Don’t take too long a time to fix an issue. Time wisely travels with those willing to appreciate a journey through action taking along with wisdom harvesting. Otherwise, it will bulldoze what’s not solved.

Dear January. I know you’ll transform with me who doesn’t want remedial lessons next year.

Thank you, 2021. Welcome, 2022.

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiem….

💝

nothing is forever, let go of all that are not serving for my highest good either interest or ambition
no one is perfect, accept the dark side of my own self and learn all lessons either pleasant or unpleasant
balance is feasible only when mental detachment and appropriate acceptance are achieved, I claim the balance
I’m ok, dude…. You’re not? 🤠

Dream Team

Dream team is unique—
Bright, with little craziness
To keep all intact.

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This dream team isn’t ideally perfect. The members argue and debate. We confuse and get confused at some turning points before clarity. We can be tired.

It is a perfect fit though for me. We fight for what we believe is right. We silently inspire each other. We don’t fit in others’ squares, are strongly reasonable and on point though. We don’t easily give up. We can accept wide spectrum of ideas and behaviours.

When everyone sings and the composition is clear in hand, no one can deny the unison in a choir. Ya, there is always one Snoopy-ing with its unknown tunes that (believe it or not) always makes other singers happier, more energised and the whole team glued and valued. That is how a dream is shared without discrimination. Snoopy being Snoopy is always needed for laughter and contemplation! That’s my dream team!

I don’t need perfect team because a dream team is not about a group of perfect people with perfect behaviour. It is about a group of imperfect heads with open mind and progressive appreciation sitting together to perfect a common goal to the right direction.

Holiday is going to be over…. Ready to sing again. Let’s wait what is the song and who is willing to be Snoopy-ing next year — ya, take turn, take turn ya…. 😁

May all beings be happy.

this picture on pyjama describes my dream team well

Red Leaves

Red leaves, Beloved,
Are red yet the eyes might catch
Different reds. Normal—

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My red is a red no matter how red is mine compared to others’ reds. I respect others’ reds by not questioning their ability to perceive a red. In fact I only care about the reds of those in my inner circle in order to live harmoniously; and, those working together in order to ensure that the red is articulated precisely with no misunderstanding by all work partners.

Alhamdulillah.

May all beings be happy in this Christmas Eve. 💝

I love all reds in my frame. I joyfully let those out of the frame go.

Play Wise

How time flies!
How age discolours hair,
Folds skin,
Accumulates fat,
Shortens eyesight,
Softens muscles,
Weakens body.
Damn!

How life dives!
How age develops mind,
Broadens horizon,
Wises up perception,
Deepens empathy,
Harden willingness,
Strengthens compassion.
Hell yeah!

Don’t play wise, Fool. Your hair needs dyeing soon!

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I was an old soul. Now I am just old. 😌

sweating through brisk walking and jogging, the grey refused to hide – stubborn old hair! 😎

Matur Nuwun

The boughs touch the ground
Showing respect to nature,
Mother who loves all.
Fruits are ready to harvest
Everyday. Farmers’ blessings—

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One of those teaching me constant gratitude is my mother. When I share my problems, she will either tell me “We should be grateful that our problems are still solvable” or “We are still lucky that we are still given blessings when having problems” or “It is ok, someday they will understand”.

That lady is made of flexible rubber when hit by hard challenges. Nothing hurt her blessed heart. I’m lucky to be born by her. I guess God has sent her to teach me patience….

…. and at the same time to be patient. Hallow…. It takes patience to deal with patient people. I mean it!

Matur nuwun, Ibu. I love you. 💝

matur nuwun

One by One

Colours will fade away
At the front gate of
A new season,
Leaving beautiful memories
To the garden.

No regret, Beloved
If all are infused with love.
No right,
No wrong.
Only lessons,
And wisdom
Imprinted—

Cycle is short;
Life is forever.
Each of the pearls in a strand is perfect when it’s loose. And so is a cycle in your life—

If I owe you one cycle,
Beloved,
I’ll come back
With a bunch of fruits
Ready to harvest.
Ready to taste
By your own senses—

See you again,
Beloved.
Choose what seed you want me to grow.

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tulip losing some petals

Flowers losing petals is a natural phase before plants are harvested for the fruits, the bulbs or other parts. Or, the flowers are the ones harvested to experience falling petals before they dry out naturally. It’s an end of one cycle at the same time a start of another.

one by one
🌷

May all beings be happy.

Which Is To Display

David, Beloved,
Was Carrara’s waste without
Il Divino’s hands
Writing, panting— Comissioned
By those governing the time.

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14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible has given me good lessons and at the same time pleasing encouragement to continue being me this way.

The biggest lesson comes to me is a reminder: When the applause goes to a record breaker, who is supporting whom?

Samwise Gamgee has helped Frodo Baggins complete the quest to destroy The Ring in Tolkiens’ Middle Earth. Ron and Hermione is a core team behind Harry Potter. Huckleberry Finn might have been the greatest support to Tom Sawyer. Tonto to Lone Ranger…. It is Tenzing Norgay in Hillary Edmund’s phenomenal climbing, and he is a real not a fictional character.

This movie shows me more and more clearly that sherpas have honourably let the payers step on the mountain peaks when it comes the time for standing ovation to the project leaders who will be recorded as record breakers; while sherpas were actually leading at the front during climbing, the real first steppers of most if not all tracks before others.

The guides have managed what is even not yet seen by the guided— both risk and challenge, yet the guides never act Mr/Ms Know All because guides’ job is to guide not to show off. The guides bring the guided to victory.

🏔

Only real winners appreciate their supporters. Otherwise, they are only recorded false achievers in the other layers of reality.

Life is but pastime and game for those being sherpas. Which to display is about facets of the same polished rock.

May all beings be happy.

good to watch, much to learn

Generous Nature

Lily bulbs come back
Among red leaves in autumn.
Second chance from Her—

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What is second chance? Once again? Or again and again like lily bulbs that come back every autumn and bloom beautifully until forever ends?

spider lily near cemetery

Mother Nature has taught me that mistake doesn’t come with punishment; it comes with lesson to be a better human being, someone who has purer intention and clearer attention. She consistently brings messages about acceptance that no one will be perfect as imperfection is an included package to realise and/or materialise perfection. That welcoming the next good day is doing the best today. That if the next now called tomorrow is here, the second chance has welcome me to be a better me. A me that’s more me than before—

I remember my Kyoto trip in 2014, my first encounter with spider lily. Fascinated, I sat down on the grass for quite long time in front of a temple with my camera until a beautiful Japanese (old) lady stopped by me.

“Hana! Hana! Hana!” She said smiling, with her thumbs pointed to the lily then to my camera.

“Ya! Ya! Ya! Thank you! Beautiful flowers!”

It was a surprise for me. A moment with no preparation. A short act with no anticipation. She just went away with her wise old smile.

That lady was probably sent to me as a second chance to re-define what possibly a Japanese truly looks like as the previous week I didn’t have a good experience with another one in Nagano.

I won’t probably meet with her again, yet enough for me to know that when I’m that age, I’d like to be as friendly and warm as her. 💝

Thank you for everything that comes with second chance, even second chance after my second chance so that in the second second chance I realise that it is my second chance not to be missed.

Al-Fatihah for all those who miss the second chance and those who are waiting for a second chance.

Salaam….

spider lily at the rice field – I haven’t seen it in my country, worth trying

Both pictures are borrowed from https://www.japanvisitor.com/japanese-culture/seasons/higanbana

Masa-Masa (A Song That Believes in Time)

Time’s a messenger
Telling her what is waiting
In every milestone—
Her comrades, trees and water
Read the signs to reach the home.

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Some peoples are born laid-back with all the gifts from Mother Nature. Life make them realise nature is as tough as it is rich and so those peoples shape their bodies as hard as rock, their muscle wire, their bones iron, their mind clear water, their intention straight arrow. Time is the witness. Time is Messenger. Time will not betray human beings who work hard and pray.

I’m thankful to be born in a rich archipelago and re-born repeatedly among hardworking peoples.

Weekend, Weekend…. Washing, ironing, cooking— repeated milestones, be patient.

🦸🏻‍♀️

🪶

Self Worth

That you feel
Better,
Smarter,
Luckier,
Richer,
Prettier
Than others

Might
Not
Be
Self worth,
Beloved.

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Today’s discussion with some friends was about self worth. One head, one point of view—

My own understanding about self worth has evolved. Its turning point was in 2009 after a broken heart. World was ruined. Hope was (almost) zero. The worst was the way I was cut from the relationship; it made me feel of having no self worth. It was a time of emotionally shutting down like an un-charged computer; functional intellectually and physically but not emotionally— zombie in the making.

Dumbest young me!

I thought self worth was when I was do things better than others. Or, knowing more than others. Or, given a lot of things out of the blue as if winning lucky draws again and again. Gaining financial freedom and material things. Or feeling prettier than others (this one very seldom) at least prettier than Bob, my cat.

What is self worth in my system?

— self worth is about utilitarianism. Miriam Webster dictionary says utilitarianism is a doctrine that the useful is the good and that the determining consideration of right conductshould be the usefulness of its consequences; specifically a theory that the aim of action should be the largest possible balance of pleasure over pain or the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

If I’m good. So what? What have I done for my own self at the same time for others by being good, smart, lucky, financially independent?

If being good, smart, lucky, financially independent doesn’t bring benefits to others; where’s my worth? Is worth to self not enough, said someone. Not wrong; if the perspective of ‘self’ is about taking. In fact, life is always about giving and taking, or taking and giving.

“The best of people are those that bring most benefit to the rest of mankind,” said Islamic wisdom. It is equivalent with “urip iku urup” in Javanese wisdom.

Lo! No matter what people perceive about me as long as I do good to my own self and surrounding with good will, so be it.

May all beings be happy. 🪶

books to be shipped to Yogyakarta, for one of my best friends who opens a library in a small village 💝 I’m happy that what I read will be utilised for others’ good. 🐣