I will die and it is a must. I have been thinking about being dead since I realized that my physical is deteriorating through years of life span. Hair loss, wrinkle skin, muscle weakening, hollow bones, weary face, tired organs, etc have reminded me to get set and go… to where I belong. I’ll rest in peace as well as rest in piece.

This soul should be ready to stay in equilibrium state after so many years being imprisoned in a body, rendering every single deed challenged by nature, craving for compatible format of relation and relationship – and all of those have made soul go mad, restless and stirred.

To my understanding being dead is loosening mundane knots to the 5 senses and releasing soul to its nature. It is believed that the nature of soul is peaceful and divine. Some say when someone dies, one returns to God or goes to heaven – a place they don’t really identify where and which but they always say “later” for the when. I believe that heaven is gained only by the ones having experienced it through their physical cycles. If ones can’t feel heaven here, there they will be in un-peaceful realm: hell that people may call. So, where soul belongs is to what condition soul has built towards the body and mind. Is my soul conscious enough to stay peaceful and heavenly looking forward to a heaven with the divine? Btw, when does someone go to Heaven? Later? No! people can go to Heaven now! That’s why some people die because there’s a call from Heaven… My faith J

In the other hand, being in piece is somehow realizing that the body is buried, gets rotten, is decomposed into dust… into pieces. Fear of not able to breathe, eaten by worm, lay in bed of earth all alone with creepy crawly things and surrounded by the dead’s has haunted me. Or, should I find unconventional ways like drowning in the waters, lost in sky to die safe? Perhaps.

In fact, the reality that death is frightening is growing wild in me. It does me immensely: manipulating my belief on that physical is left to soil when I die. My fear cajoles me that death is a gate to a new authority with different rules of game separated from earth. This needs clarification from nowhere but from inside because someone has to go back to where she starts questioning to find the answer.

I am a living being that is occupying a small space until another line limit the space. What is behind the line? I am waiting what the curtain will reveal.

Death, live it up. Life, die in peace…



11:34am – gapura istana nelayan – n77 transferred to dell in grand Quality, Djogdja in July 2010


  1. ohtrie said: loh saiki nang JOgja….? coba kontek kang tambir mbakkk, sapa tahu sampean bisa nengok inglo n piko di panti rapih…

    semoga saja saya nggak harus nengok mereka di RS; soalnya hari ini udah kadung nggak bisa kemana-mana dan kudoakan semoga lekas sembuh mereka. amiiin… tapi ntar tak kabarane kalau aku di Jogja.btw, Jogja udah agak berubah kelihatane. makin ramai jalan dan banyak pusat belanja…


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