Author: rike jokanan

Me, now here

To Pray Hilariously

Learning, This Person


to pray hilariously:

please keep these joints well lubricated & creak less,

allow me to afford bright-coloured lipsticks as most around me love smile more than gifts,

grant me clear thinking so I can converse reasonably with both the genius & the idiot,

lend me a bit of fresh kindness so I still look good although I'm not pretty,

let me be silly & have silly friends so I won't look silly alone,

make me wise & rich in silence as it will save some time & energy,

if I forget, please remind me
if you forget, no you won't forget for me.

yours truly,

a human being calling herself me

A Small Gift of I Love You

Learning, love, Poetic


a small gift of i love you

my love to you is as much as the space among drizzles washing off my sadness

my love to you is as much as the pouring rain among the space giving me pure breeze

this weekend has welcomed me with sprinkling blessings like the rain in a desert

each day is a new day when sky opens wider horizon and shows me what i didn't see

do you feel the same?
the space among the rain
the pouring rain
the desert that celebrates
a horizon that keeps widening--

i love you.

thank you for making me smile a lot

💙

in life i learn to accept that love is sometimes not enough; it takes strategy to make things happen and i don’t want to strategize in love

i don’t want to force because i believe life has given me so much so if i don’t get what i want, it doesn’t mean a loss

that i have the ability to love as sincerely as possible is a huge blessing; that i don’t show it openly, it is to ensure everyone’s safety, dignity and comfort

flow, flow, flow

i love you, i love you, i love you

Packed, Unpacked (ranting)

Learning

I just deleted a comment just because of seeing a possibility that my comment will be commented by someone who once commented my comment to the same account that I just commented. 😁

Yes. Once I commented objectively and rather excessively (long) in one instagram posting. And my comment was commented as “craving for attention” and the comment to my comment embarrassed me quite seriously. Craving for attention is not my take; even if it is my decision to get attention, I will comment genuinely to a posting belonging to someone that I like or to a posting that has certain level of urgency to public policy and/or public servants.

Ooh! This time when I saw that the commentor commenting to my previous comment was there in the list commenting to the posting that just commented, I deleted my comment in a hurry.

No comment is truly the safest in certain place. 😁

What I just did was like packing then right away unpacking. Good to do it on time….

I am sooooooooooooooooo sorry❣️❣️❣️

packed for 3 trips, soon, back to back — black for Hanoi, grey tote for Malaysia, green for Indonesia

A Mother (ranting)

Learning, life, love, This Person, Those People

If I'm a mother,
I'd be my children's student
And their wisdom guide.

I had a Sunday cafe date with a friend while she was accompanying her son having taekwondo class nearby.

Like usual only with this friend I can always agree to go out of my home at weekend except when I am really caught up with urgent work. With her (and her husband and children) I can talk freely with loud laughter without being afraid of any judgement. They are perhaps my closest friends here in Singapore.

One of the today’s topics was mother.

We know quite a bit about both of our journey of relationship with mothers. As daughter we had almost the same experience of dealing with mother: acceptance to be a daughter of a woman with very different mindset and nurturing experience.

Our acceptance to our mother’s love evolved beautifully. Both of us have realised how much our mothers love us and how much we both love those women called mother. It was just a matter of positioning based on respect and understanding. It is always about knowing what and how love manifests in life.

oolong tea, thanks for witnessing friends’ laughter and genuine talk

That she is herself a mother of two children has taught her what a mother’s love means. To me I experienced various conflicts and arguments with my mother until at one point I realised how hard it was to be in her position and how hard to me to accept the fact that I have to accept my position before her culturally, biologically and ethically.

This friend likes to share with me how she raises her kids and the vice versa, I also like to give case studies and see how she treats some situations. Among all married friends she might be the one I would like to be like in most situations, not all as we still have different opinions in some topics if I am a mother (I know it is just an if as I don’t even have a hope to be someone’s wife at this age). She is open to communicate with her kids and husband up to a level of sitting at a round table to openly argue about things; at the same time she has her boundary at which point a mother stops to force and at which line a child must respect parents.

Today’s was our last 2024’s meet-up. She will fly to Karuizawa, Japan on Dec 11 until end of year and I will finish my work before end-of-year’s home country leave for a short while.

This friend always makes me miss my mother.

Ibu, I will call you tomorrow morning…. Know that I will always love you . Know that I will say yes if you become my mother again in my next life.

💗

Send In The Clowns (song)

Learning

Missing my father.

I send you Al Fatihah loaded with so much love, Bapak Jokanan 💕

This song hits much like a feel of unwanted. No, no, no more this feeling…. Next year is coming soon and I only want to be wanted in all walks of life. 💗 Those not wanting me, go away.

Fresh Weekend

Learning, Poetic

The mangos that fly from across the sea,
The nectarines that stare at me,
The plums that hide among their fellow fresh,
The trio that will not stop fascinating me
Until I happily cry
To close the weekend.
Refreshing tears into
Fresh weekend--

what is fresher than a basket of fruit?

You Are

Learning, love

You are butterflies
Flying around my heart
Tickling me to whisper
I love you.
But where are
You?
Hiding behind signs
That I've misunderstood,
Disguised between symbols
That I've wrongly guessed,
None is solely for me.

Love

Learning, love

My heart jumped
Still jumps
But will she jump after
A gesture that was told
Hopefully not right
About a love that is discriminated?

Is my love still true?
Or will there be a light
Telling me otherwise?

is it as gossipped and gestured? or not? – i never know as i don’t see consistency and directness in the messages sent

Why Love Poem #2

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

What do I have to write about
You today?
My pen doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a blinking tiny beacon afar, signing on and off. Hard to read."

What do I have to feel about
You today?
My heart doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a flickering will of wisps swaying weakly. Hard to follow."

What do I have to believe about
You today?
My mind doesn't want to continue explaining, she said "The poem should be a prose that will take so much time to complete. Hard to describe."

What do I have to accept about
You today?
My soul doesn't give any sign but smiling, she said "The power is not what you need. Only love suits your journey. If not love, let go. Hard to digest."

What do I have to let go about
You, Today?
My life doesn't want to stop laughing, she said "Laugh when gaslighted. Smile when gaslighted. Look when gaslighted. Never strike
back. Stay or walk away. Peacefully. Not as hard as thought or felt or believed or planned."

I stay in the same plane to keep walking with my love poems for you, Today.

life is an opera, the most illogical and grandest one at times

How long do you think I write one poem? Less than one minute up to as long as 20 minutes.

I never use AI. Never and probably will never except using AI is the only way for me to live.

My poem is always about what happens to me or at me. It is always about what I love or not love. Is it always about love? Yes, because the only relevant thing to life is love: it can be romantic love, platonic love, family love, friendship love, dedication to work, compassion, self love, love to Love.

I feel it so flowing when I write love poem, it takes me snap of fingers to make it happen. When I am stressed after some meeting, I will type a haiku. When I am in the aeroplane sleepless, I will usually write love poem in my small book. Writing poem is never a distraction, it is a motivation to get fresher and braver and to perform better.

One more thing: the depth of the poem not only depends on my mood and calmness but also the mood and calmness of the subject recited in the poem. It would be so much calmness when I write about my little brother; much bravery about my sister, much fun about my older brother. My early poems in 2008 up to 2012 is full with expression of depression, around 2014 to 2017’s is energizing energy, 2019’s is liberation and blessings to forward movement. And 2024’s poems feel a bit heavy with a feel of being played around but still flowing rather heavily on positivity.

I kind of enjoy the altered energy everytime the writing of poem involves different stories and objects; so much enlightening inside and giving energy to keep the faith in this silent journey within.

Specifically past 3 months I’ve felt big energy of gaslighting and game playing. I am just observing and doing best to evaluate whether it is what’s inside me projecting my own despair or reflecting a despair from outside me.

No matter what, love poem is still my preferrence.

Early morning letter to self

Meditation #1

Learning, life

One day the noise vanishes
And I meet myself.
That's when I face
The real wind,
The real fire,
The real water,
The real forest,
The real iron,
The real marketplace.
The real that was just a narrative before.
The real within--

meditating is not as complicated as it seems

My first experience of meditation was in 2010. I guess it was the most stressful event (the biggest drama because I was still a drama queen) triggering me to join a meditation group in South Tangerang.

It was weekly, guided by a teacher who happened to be a teacher of almost everything called “magical” by all of the students. He taught us how to move objects without touching it, how to self talk, how to sense energy around our body or objects, how to telepath, etc until we realised that those things are not magic; they are simply natural based on each of the students’ gifts and/or training. My fellow meditators were those among others who communicate to animals, who draw someone’s “spiritual condition”, who “read” numbers, who heal using gemstones, who read tarot cards, who do past life regression and so on and so forth.

Me? None, I just sing and write poems although Pak Sonny Sumarsono Wuryadi (our teacher) said I would be a healer overseas — please note I didn’t even have a plan to move by then. And now I am not even a healer; I am still healing myself with no end. 😀

All those skills emerge only after we silence ourselves. Without silence no one can truly eject their inner gifts to the surface for one’s self (and others) to acknowledge. But silence is sometimes scary. To me especially my first silence was not comfortable: all those inner noises that were suppressed by busy work, packed schedules, noisy environment suddenly had to face the only noise that is more eloquent than a blunt message.

It took me around one year to be able to finally meditate “quietly” but still in a short time. And it was still guided, either by music or by recorded teacher’s instruction. Sometimes when exhausted, I would meditate while lying down (then falling asleep 🤪).

Although not gaining any “magical skills” like others, I earned calmness and gradually claimed back the reality after getting hit by my own life lessons. It was a basic skill that gave me courage to say no, confidence to be different and spirit to contribute to life.

Thank you, Seroja. You have equipped me with simple tips of meditation: “silence your surrounding, listen to your own noise even if that noise is the only calm you gain” and “you can sleep in your meditation because sleeping is the deepest state of meditation”.

I bless you Pak Sonny and all my fellow Seroja meditators. We might not meet anymore but my prayer is reaching you anywhere you are.

Teachers

Learning, love, Poetic

I have teachers in life.
Some make me cry.
Some make me speak.
Some make me walk.
Some make me hold.
Some make me laugh.
Some make me smile.
All make me sense.
All make me think.
One makes me love.

only you, love

making me a human being, not a plant, not an animal, not a geenie, not an angel

I Am

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

I'm not a prophet,
Not a saint. I'm a human
Accepting a lane.

if i am allowed to choose, i’d like to be in the lane of flower where colours, shapes and scents are with me

but this ability to smell nice fragrance in life is accompanied by the ability to smell bad odors

and so accepting the lane with its duality and paradox is the only way

Touched

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

This heart has been touched
By a breeze secretly blown
By the air of love.

i will keep learning, unlearning, relearning

life is beyond what eyes can see; even eyes can’t see what’s blocked by a sheet of paper

voice can be cancelled by a block on the ears

touch can be blocked by leather gloves

taste can be blocked by a no to appetite

but this heart will be wide open to inner journey whatever they think, whatever they say, whatever they do

Early morning after QS Arrahman

I Am Replaceable

Learning, love, Poetic

You can replace me
With another intelligence
Or beauty.
But I worry not,
I am myself a space
That doesn't need a place or
Replace.
If replacing me
Is saving
You,
Please feel free.

irreplaceable you are

How I Love You

Learning, love, Poetic

How I love you?
Much
How much?
I can't tell you how much but I can tell you how.
My love is not commodity
That you transact about.
My love is not a content
That you measure up.
My love is a river
Flowing as long as you be the channel.
My love is a breeze
Blowing as long as you be the air.
My love is colours
Showing as long as you be the light.
Yet I know the love you wish
Is different.
You want me to be wood to burn,
Water to drink,
Bread to eat,
Game to play.
I feel delighted that you have such fun.
I am waiting for the wisdom to grow.
If the fun outgrows wisdom by the time we travel together, this love will wither before it blooms.
So that's how I love you and how much you need.

RC Gorman’s work of art

Scars

Learning, love

There are scars, dear heart.
They stay. Painless, ugly and
Bringing back a day--

some mirrors will remind me of the day these scars were then wounds caused by incidents committed through actions either well planned or lousily coincided

forgiving but not forgetting is not as easy as how i say

have i forgiven? or should i be forgetful?

Adventure of A Life Time (Coldplay)

Learning

I felt overwhelmed with some kind of a confirmed fact about a human being I’ve know for more tha 10 years. Let’s call one a friend. Some years ago I told my friends that I could not interact with this person so and so….

They said my prejudice was not strongly grounded; I was not supposed to follow my intuition that could not be transcribed into tangible data for them to evaluate. So, we just accepted this person in our circle with my very heavy heart, mine only.

Then one day, today, I got a confirmation that my prediction is true.

The egg in the tip of the horn just fell down and broke.

Trust feels like a thin ice to stand on.

Yet what can I expect to be a human being? It is either to trust or to be trusted; yes. But, I won’t want to betray or to be betrayed anymore– please protect me from being subject or object of betrayal.

Yes, I am willing to experience any kinds of emotions as long as I am sitting in this body. I will….

Please don’t let me deal with betrayal. No more….

….

Salaam….

as long as i’m a human, all emotions are perching like a lark on bushes before flying then perching again then flying again as it wishes