graphs of my Universe
They ask, Beloved
Why repeated the same thing?
Based on what you do--
why I say the same ideas repeatedly, only moving the point of view?
because those are the things I not only know but also embrace, internalise and experience in life
saying something I don’t truly know and feel and walk feels like not stepping on the ground
❣️
Clear glasses, my love
With which colours and shapes seen
Are cleaned everyday.
it’s both the glass container and the glass spectacles should be clean to see clearly
exactly like one person’s action and the other’s perspective
❣️
Kitchen calls, my love
Those in love with life and taste
And the folks in heart.
today’s ifthar with so much love
we call it bothok not the Botox injection — it’s tempeh, anchovy in grated coconut + santan wrapped by my hands in banana leaves 😍
sayur asem (sour soup) normally the sourness is from tamarind but today I used buah kedondong peel
Japanese cracker that I love always
still the Bac Ninh oranges
kedondong
Stacking oranges
Shine on a fruit container.
Loved fruits to fulfill
Love has many languages: more than 5 to express it. Fulfilment has only 1: getting/giving what’s wanted.
Fulfilment can be the feeling of getting attention, receiving compliment, passing a test, making a relationship, owning a dream house, invited to important events, getting this or having that.
But love…. I still feel my father’s love although he passed away > 20 years ago. I feel my mother’s love although she lives far away. I still feel my siblings’ love although we don’t talk with each other everyday. It’s the time & moments we’ve cherished . It’s smiles & jokes when gathering in our small dining room. It’s their hi through WhatsApp asking where I am & telling me to be well. It’s the reconciliation after small fights. It’s the blood that I can’t unflow from this body. It’s the karma to serve in the same family. The prayers that I know sent through whisper & breath every time we remember each other. My best friends are included, too.
I constantly need love; without love I will lose hope & die in despair. It stays in the heart & soul, fueling the journey of human being in the making. No expiry date for love: beyond time & space.
I need fulfilment in certain timelines. No big house forever. Not much money forever. No jewelry forever. I won’t need this body forever. The best limit for fulfilment is “in moderation”, “enough” & yes it’s based on my own evaluation.
I claim this shallow mind about love & fulfilment. I’m learning.
Thank you.
Note: This might not work for you. Find your own life treasure within.
💗
I speak with you
With no language.
When with you,
I know no time.
In you I find me.
In me I find you.
Then we separate
To miss each other,
To love
With no limit.
I'm loaded
With burdens
That are not on my body.
The suffering borne
By others
Has leak in
To this porous heart.
Let me be
In rest, Beloved
In the flow of
My slow life
That doesn't chase what I used to chase,
That doesn't crave what I used to crave,
That embraces the acceptance of what is,
That sits alone in room with
You.
how can I not care to those sick, hungry and sad around me who seek help from me? I’ve cried and maybe it is time to stop for a while
just for a while, Beloved
just for a while
before I walk again in this narrow path with grass and daisies around
to where my love suits her scent
let me rest for a while
before it’s time to be your loving hands again for a longer while
thank you….
❣️
Let there be light.
Let there be light.
Light in heart.
Light of heart.
Light around heart.
Light through heart.
Light borrowed.
Light lent.
Light along this journey.
Light journey.
Light heart.
this heart feels the lightest when I’m riding my bike, exploring the greenery around the neighborhood
rain, I love you but please pause on just one day so I can either visit the water lilies in the river or tropical flowers in the paths around the reservoir
💛
Journey, Beloved,
To the line where I started,
Timed with acceptance--
some people think when an effort doesn’t result in what is targetted, it means a loss — to me it is not a loss, it is a lesson learnt not to do better to win but to know how to let go more immediately, gracefully with less pain
no, not all can do that earlier — some people are just loving to compete against anyone in their journey not knowing it is a silent journey, they think any lane with others present is called a race
no, not all can do that earlier — some people think they are much more superior that can consider themselves excel in everything not knowing that they silently are left behind by many authentically much better in most aspects of life
”m sure everyone will be able to do it when the time is coming
it doesn’t matter, we’re all children of life
☺️
Note: negating, denying, ignoring: patterns that slow down maturity process
Wisdom, Beloved
Mothers who are born the last
By daughters called life.
a book from Periplus Plaza Indonesia – good to read during a massage with Mbak Idah
Jakarta has given me a short delay from a fast-paced life.
❣️
This heart, Beloved
Lives a limited timeline.
It can't wait too long.
I believe you can guess which one is today’s star: “sambel goreng kentang hati sapi” 💕
deep frying the Brastagi potato
heart that gives a kick!
the hardest work today after work
in Singapore it’s called “Indonesia potato”, in Indonesia we call in “Brastagi potato” aka “kentang Brastagi”; it won’t break when deep fried not like other types of Australian and American ones
I'm water, my love
Living with the soil and air
Burnt by this blue fire.
To me clarity is more important than belief. With belief I might grab in the dark, to some level of darkness I might be frantically euphoric or falling into abyss of confusion. With clarity I can appropriately choose what I need to do & when further blessed, to do it appropriately.
Clarity is gained through many ways, as many as the heart in life. I myself like to think I clarify myself about myself based on how 4 nature elements (water, air, soil & fire) purify themselves.
There are few ways to gain clarity/purity in each but I’d like to talk about one for each.
Water naturally flows to clean itself; flowing to filter what’s in through its movement against all odds (stones, holes, debris, etc). By filtering for clarity it means I need to pass by at the same time to let go a lot of things in life to be clear (& clean). Like river, I receive materials from various sources that possibly contain unnecessary or unfavourable matters & I need to choose which to stay & which to get rid of. Flowing is leaving some behind & taking necessary some ahead. I’ve let go a lot of memories & people.
Air circulates what’s in. By circulating for clarity it means I should not stop sharing. The more I share (material, knowledge, vibes, etc), the more I find clarity in life. Like air, this person needs to vent, too. I tell stories, write, rant, talk, argue, discuss to verify information accuracy.
Soil decomposes what’s in. It breaks things into minuscule or even atomic pieces & blend all in one environment. Like soil, I don’t mind dealing with rotten and/or damaged things (ideas, gossips, accusation, prejudice, etc). Sometimes I swallow the worst leftover. Rubbish can turn to gold! Is it possible artist here? (Not the artist in Bahasa Indonesia’s artis, it is the seniman)
Fire heats to purify itself. Like blue fire I sometimes feel of having the most life energy (oxygen) & the motivation (high temperature). I clarify by motivating myself & others. I often don’t need external voice to motivate myself. I can be rather stubborn against change: sometimes only my will can change my ways. Learning from own mistakes is good: getting burnt 😁
Clarification leaves waste (emotions) so I need to deal with it by treating them well.
Note:
I've grown flowers and big trees
In my heart.
There's a pond with small fish playful and harmless;
Water lilies and lotuses dancing and entertaining.
You send breeze, she sings happily.
You send rain, she drinks sufficiently.
You send storm, she cries sadly.
You send snow, she freezes deadly.
Whatever you send, she feels blessed abundantly, so much loved.
This morning she said to me that
If you send yourself, she'll live forever.
pond near the dining room in D’Omah Jogja — breakfast feels slow with the waiters’ giving us more time to choose the ala carte menu, and meaningful with the long waiting time that diners can have more time to calmly chat in the morning
Hopping frog plays in a corner
Trying to escape
From fear of missing out.
It doesn't know the corner is safe
Protecting it
From a busy mind.
a frog near the door of my home in D’Omah Jogja
One word, Beloved
Expressed to draw emotions
That flow out of cells--
trapped
torn
zigzagging
slipped
Life is just like that.
It is round, square, triangle
Seen from three angles.
Life is just like that.
Like what?
Like what I’ve never thought but I can handle it by letting go.
I thank Gusti Allah for making me a human being so I can experience being human who lives as an ordinary person, maybe less than ordinary 🤐
It is everyday lessons come and go. Some challenging, some lighter. Some are leveled up or completed, in fact some are repeated. Repetition of lessons means that a human being fails to accept what is favourable to now here and to let go of what is not favourable for the soiritual journey to achieve clarity about being human. I’m one of this that’s why I learn from all of you. ☺️
As much as I want no repetition of mistakes though I will accept life as it is, still with kindness. Kindness to whom? To myself and to others although being kind to myself might be a delayed kindness to others — it doesn’t matter, it is just about time or perception.
Photo: Yes, I will always be seen half or less than half by those who see themselves partially: either good or evil, not even a sweet arrangement of those two.
Life is just like that. ☺️
In between if there is a gap,
It's to bridge,
Not to separate.
if you are between two, quit; said I to myself always 😊
Dream asked me
"Do you trust me?"
Why, said I.
"Please do, I need wings to fly."
I stared at her,
Wondering who her wings were.
She didn't say a word. She moved her chin
Toward me.
I am? Asked I, surprised and delighted.
It started drizzling,
Breeze caressed my face.
I soared.
I heard soft voice swirling up
To the sky,
Flying with her smile.
How painful it was for both of us!
One was waiting, the other was not realizing.
How lucky we were to wake up in one morning together.
And we are still having fun,
Sitting in a swing hanging on a giant tree,
Thanking to each other.
dreams are those balancing her constant walks
Love loves, Beloved
Love loved by a loved lover
To be beloved.
Some of my friends have very strong concern about my love life and so they “take care of it” very seriously. They often check if I go dating, sign up the online dating apps, met anyone in the biz trips, if this, or that.
Normally all answers make them annoyed or laugh as I usually respond to them in light ways. Anything not giving me positive impacts or real things should not be part of a weighed consideration to deeply converse. Let go….
Recently life has given me various brain teasers in past weeks: so much forgetting daily personal things (collecting skincare, collecting my Dyson after repaired, lunch bag, ID badge, etc) and…. (drum rolls) friends checking my love life so often by tagging me in instastory that I mostly ignored, WhatsApping me with love-love questions, direct messaging me in Instagram about love-love things, and so on.
“Are you dating? You seem so radiant. I know your romantic words are for someone not for your Beloved. Tell me.” Said one of them.
Woohoo! Will never tell…. 🤪 None of anyone in the world should know whom I love until it is certain whom I will share life with. They can know I am in love and that’s it. If nothing happens, then it is a secret for the rest of this life. Age has taught me how to deal with safety, security, confidentiality and integrity.
One more friend tagged me in an instastory as if telling me to open my heart and blahblahblah….
Friends make my life fun! I love them with all my heart because I know they just want me to be happy.
Ahhh! I just want to sleep well welcoming Chinese New Year holiday.
Walking in the forest deep, she was stopped by questions in her dancing mind.
Who am I?
I'm a living being
Walking her path.
What is the path? There seems none.
The path is becoming with her steps taken. An imaginary line drawn by hopes and fear, faith and science, clarity and mystery; two poles balancing distance and time--
Where is the path heading to?
The path is heading to where the North Star is.
Where is the North Star?
The North Star is a constant bright: that sits still to help find direction, that can be found in a clear unlit night above Mother Earth's magical belt, that loves wordless hymns.
It is lurking dark, but
You are bright
Showering my night.
Don't set.
Don't rise.
Be there
In the north
So I can always call
You
My North Star.
Polaris,
Wrap me with luck.
Amen.
The world keeps spinning.
The body ages with time.
Trip in alignment--
Don’t be afraid of becoming old. Aging is truly a blessing.
With the gray hair I feel wisdom befriends with me. Still I have freedom to dye it to look radiant.
With the wrinkle on the skin I find kindness and understanding unfolds. Yet it is not wrong to put skincare to look healthy and fresh.
With weaker eyes I find my mind is sharper evaluating my self and environment. I can still wear reading spectacles to keep reading to refresh brain.
With less hydrated joints and less dense bones I move more slowly cum gracefully. There is no harm though to do sports regularly.
With fewer friends I still get good updates accurately about how the world spins and enjoy true relationship with little to no condition.
Eventually aging is about knowing that soul will release the physical body when they body is ultimately deteriorated, when time is up. I just need to ensure that this body knows she is never alone or lonely in the separation process.
Celebrate life!
see you next month, Hanoi
I collapsed, high fever, nausea, headache, painful joints, short breathing, coughing, name it….
It is the first after 3 years. Probably I am too tired: Universe told me “self isolation for 72 hours”. Lucky the 72 hours end in Saturday so I can fly out on Sunday. Hope I get well soon.
It’s between broken health in which I feel so weak physically and broken heart in which I feel so isolated. 😁
There is always lesson. Learn.
I just want to sleep….
doctor said “self isolation” due to that bloody virus 🥴😁❣️
getting home, i felt so exhausted and lethargic and heaty
still so excited but feeling so much hot that day while biking – wrong timing
About a year, Love
Where you're present and again
Giving me all joy-
2024 was such a year! Thanks much for the one year teaching me again to warmly love sincerely with little to no condition: unclear hints that broke my heart. Life is not always about glory; it’s also losing to win lessons.
2024 was about sudden trips & data as professional breakfast & lunch. I see how fast I process biased opinions & immediately detour to the right path! Such a training by & for brain muscles!
2025 is about continuing my spiritual journey with the same foundation: singularity, uniqueness & humanity;
also about doing my life work with dedication & expertise;
sweet friendship with those that respect and love each other as best friend;
about enjoying long weekends in Korine Jati soon & enjoying longer holiday somewhere else;
about keeping sharing the blessings with those around me verbally, materially, intelectually & spiritually in moderation;
& knowing & loving myself again, again, again….
…. all genuinely & with light heart.
Welcome, 2025. I already feel your sweetness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2025
dear, monkey mind
i don’t regret but it was the most painful moment in 2024 and thankfully i was helped by my life work
i love my messy hair that gets happy with breeze caressing it and my eyes that tell even when my mouth shuts
2024, thank you for bringing Banksy’s works of art to Scotts Road
If I'm a mother,
I'd be my children's student
And their wisdom guide.
I had a Sunday cafe date with a friend while she was accompanying her son having taekwondo class nearby.
Like usual only with this friend I can always agree to go out of my home at weekend except when I am really caught up with urgent work. With her (and her husband and children) I can talk freely with loud laughter without being afraid of any judgement. They are perhaps my closest friends here in Singapore.
One of the today’s topics was mother.
We know quite a bit about both of our journey of relationship with mothers. As daughter we had almost the same experience of dealing with mother: acceptance to be a daughter of a woman with very different mindset and nurturing experience.
Our acceptance to our mother’s love evolved beautifully. Both of us have realised how much our mothers love us and how much we both love those women called mother. It was just a matter of positioning based on respect and understanding. It is always about knowing what and how love manifests in life.
oolong tea, thanks for witnessing friends’ laughter and genuine talk
That she is herself a mother of two children has taught her what a mother’s love means. To me I experienced various conflicts and arguments with my mother until at one point I realised how hard it was to be in her position and how hard to me to accept the fact that I have to accept my position before her culturally, biologically and ethically.
This friend likes to share with me how she raises her kids and the vice versa, I also like to give case studies and see how she treats some situations. Among all married friends she might be the one I would like to be like in most situations, not all as we still have different opinions in some topics if I am a mother (I know it is just an if as I don’t even have a hope to be someone’s wife at this age). She is open to communicate with her kids and husband up to a level of sitting at a round table to openly argue about things; at the same time she has her boundary at which point a mother stops to force and at which line a child must respect parents.
Today’s was our last 2024’s meet-up. She will fly to Karuizawa, Japan on Dec 11 until end of year and I will finish my work before end-of-year’s home country leave for a short while.
This friend always makes me miss my mother.
Ibu, I will call you tomorrow morning…. Know that I will always love you . Know that I will say yes if you become my mother again in my next life.
💗
What do I have to write about
You today?
My pen doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a blinking tiny beacon afar, signing on and off. Hard to read."
What do I have to feel about
You today?
My heart doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a flickering will of wisps swaying weakly. Hard to follow."
What do I have to believe about
You today?
My mind doesn't want to continue explaining, she said "The poem should be a prose that will take so much time to complete. Hard to describe."
What do I have to accept about
You today?
My soul doesn't give any sign but smiling, she said "The power is not what you need. Only love suits your journey. If not love, let go. Hard to digest."
What do I have to let go about
You, Today?
My life doesn't want to stop laughing, she said "Laugh when gaslighted. Smile when gaslighted. Look when gaslighted. Never strike
back. Stay or walk away. Peacefully. Not as hard as thought or felt or believed or planned."
I stay in the same plane to keep walking with my love poems for you, Today.
life is an opera, the most illogical and grandest one at times
How long do you think I write one poem? Less than one minute up to as long as 20 minutes.
I never use AI. Never and probably will never except using AI is the only way for me to live.
My poem is always about what happens to me or at me. It is always about what I love or not love. Is it always about love? Yes, because the only relevant thing to life is love: it can be romantic love, platonic love, family love, friendship love, dedication to work, compassion, self love, love to Love.
I feel it so flowing when I write love poem, it takes me snap of fingers to make it happen. When I am stressed after some meeting, I will type a haiku. When I am in the aeroplane sleepless, I will usually write love poem in my small book. Writing poem is never a distraction, it is a motivation to get fresher and braver and to perform better.
One more thing: the depth of the poem not only depends on my mood and calmness but also the mood and calmness of the subject recited in the poem. It would be so much calmness when I write about my little brother; much bravery about my sister, much fun about my older brother. My early poems in 2008 up to 2012 is full with expression of depression, around 2014 to 2017’s is energizing energy, 2019’s is liberation and blessings to forward movement. And 2024’s poems feel a bit heavy with a feel of being played around but still flowing rather heavily on positivity.
I kind of enjoy the altered energy everytime the writing of poem involves different stories and objects; so much enlightening inside and giving energy to keep the faith in this silent journey within.
Specifically past 3 months I’ve felt big energy of gaslighting and game playing. I am just observing and doing best to evaluate whether it is what’s inside me projecting my own despair or reflecting a despair from outside me.
No matter what, love poem is still my preferrence.
Early morning letter to self
One day the noise vanishes
And I meet myself.
That's when I face
The real wind,
The real fire,
The real water,
The real forest,
The real iron,
The real marketplace.
The real that was just a narrative before.
The real within--
meditating is not as complicated as it seems
My first experience of meditation was in 2010. I guess it was the most stressful event (the biggest drama because I was still a drama queen) triggering me to join a meditation group in South Tangerang.
It was weekly, guided by a teacher who happened to be a teacher of almost everything called “magical” by all of the students. He taught us how to move objects without touching it, how to self talk, how to sense energy around our body or objects, how to telepath, etc until we realised that those things are not magic; they are simply natural based on each of the students’ gifts and/or training. My fellow meditators were those among others who communicate to animals, who draw someone’s “spiritual condition”, who “read” numbers, who heal using gemstones, who read tarot cards, who do past life regression and so on and so forth.
Me? None, I just sing and write poems although Pak Sonny Sumarsono Wuryadi (our teacher) said I would be a healer overseas — please note I didn’t even have a plan to move by then. And now I am not even a healer; I am still healing myself with no end. 😀
All those skills emerge only after we silence ourselves. Without silence no one can truly eject their inner gifts to the surface for one’s self (and others) to acknowledge. But silence is sometimes scary. To me especially my first silence was not comfortable: all those inner noises that were suppressed by busy work, packed schedules, noisy environment suddenly had to face the only noise that is more eloquent than a blunt message.
It took me around one year to be able to finally meditate “quietly” but still in a short time. And it was still guided, either by music or by recorded teacher’s instruction. Sometimes when exhausted, I would meditate while lying down (then falling asleep 🤪).
Although not gaining any “magical skills” like others, I earned calmness and gradually claimed back the reality after getting hit by my own life lessons. It was a basic skill that gave me courage to say no, confidence to be different and spirit to contribute to life.
Thank you, Seroja. You have equipped me with simple tips of meditation: “silence your surrounding, listen to your own noise even if that noise is the only calm you gain” and “you can sleep in your meditation because sleeping is the deepest state of meditation”.
I bless you Pak Sonny and all my fellow Seroja meditators. We might not meet anymore but my prayer is reaching you anywhere you are.
I'm not a prophet,
Not a saint. I'm a human
Accepting a lane.
if i am allowed to choose, i’d like to be in the lane of flower where colours, shapes and scents are with me
but this ability to smell nice fragrance in life is accompanied by the ability to smell bad odors
and so accepting the lane with its duality and paradox is the only way
This heart has been touched
By a breeze secretly blown
By the air of love.
i will keep learning, unlearning, relearning
life is beyond what eyes can see; even eyes can’t see what’s blocked by a sheet of paper
voice can be cancelled by a block on the ears
touch can be blocked by leather gloves
taste can be blocked by a no to appetite
but this heart will be wide open to inner journey whatever they think, whatever they say, whatever they do
Early morning after QS Arrahman
You can replace me
With another intelligence
Or beauty.
But I worry not,
I am myself a space
That doesn't need a place or
Replace.
If replacing me
Is saving
You,
Please feel free.
irreplaceable you are
How I love you?
Much
How much?
I can't tell you how much but I can tell you how.
My love is not commodity
That you transact about.
My love is not a content
That you measure up.
My love is a river
Flowing as long as you be the channel.
My love is a breeze
Blowing as long as you be the air.
My love is colours
Showing as long as you be the light.
Yet I know the love you wish
Is different.
You want me to be wood to burn,
Water to drink,
Bread to eat,
Game to play.
I feel delighted that you have such fun.
I am waiting for the wisdom to grow.
If the fun outgrows wisdom by the time we travel together, this love will wither before it blooms.
So that's how I love you and how much you need.
RC Gorman’s work of art
rike jokanan 
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