Who Is The Key

I want to want
I want to not want
I don’t want to want
I don’t want to not want

Which one am I now?


As long as I’m human being, I won’t be able to deny the want and not want. It’s not the verb, it’s the subject. A complication of thinking!

I don’t want to love you but I want to free myself to love one staying in the heart. That’s perfection!

In fact the struggle seems like a perfect circle when two ends collides: things don’t always happen as expected. Then what appears is that the simplicity of acceptance is above perception.

Simplicity is the crown of perfection. 💝


just do things right – when you’re angry, be angry but just do it right

No Secret

Secret, Beloved
Ice cube waiting for warm touch—
Melts and flows: a stream
Of messages from the heart.
Read or heard of. Clean and clear—


No secret, it’s exposure or disclosure in the right place at the right time. I believe life is somewhat designed WYSIWYG for those willing to see life as it is. What you see (should be) is what you get.

Private is about level of security one is living. One day things will be exposed and forgiven or glorified.

Confidential is about secret recipe. One day things will get disclosed and comprehended and copied.

As simple as that. I’ve got no secret hidden. It is just about time for you to know. Either you’ll hate me or hate yourself; OR love me or love yourself for knowing “the secrets”.

May all beings be happy.

that year, when a cold caught a cold

It’s All About Becoming

Magic, Beloved,
Not just spells. It’s click and twist
Within time and space.


I thought magic was a split second materialisation of what were wished. Years ago I believed that The Most Powerful would make things in just a blink of an eye. With millions of disclosure and exposure, magical things have become something natural. Everything can be interpreted as miracle as much as it can be considered ordinary.

Magic is a mechanisation in the universe in which processes and timelines cannot be denied. Sooner or later….

May all beings be happy.


Beautiful Scars

Bruised and scarred she is;
A stained-glass window to see
Both sides of her world.


22:22 / Sunday – June 6, 2021

I thought all of those were wounds and warts until observing carefully. I’ve been living with a beautiful stained-glass window which puts colours and gives unique perspectives when seeing inside and outside. As long as it doesn’t derail from being a human being, I think I’m blessed.

Why shouldn’t I be thankful and happy? 💞


May all beings be happy.


It’s Acceptance, Always

He’s a Javanese and a Buddhist. It’s always a perfect combination when someone can blend one’s belief with one’s own root. A blessings!

It’s never about what religion one holds, it’s about a good heart one nurtures.

So blessed to be born as a female human being, a Javanese, raised by parents of different religions and nurtured by complex environments, living around people of different walks of life and various nationalities and so much diversity—

Never want any other way than this. Thank you, Life…. 💝


Arid Land, His Heart

I never want to hurt myself, I just didn’t know who you are.
I got hurt by a cactus in a desert
Who pricks little fingers,
Who just want to touch this life softly,
Not hurting, not taking anything away.

Wounded, I decided to blame stupidity:
Why did I have to have to have to have to have to just touch cacti? I should have left that arid land long before I touched a prickly spirit.

A delayed regret is less important than a lesson learned but it always gives a story the most significant pivot.

I’ll just admire from here
From where I stand
With millions of prayers
For a secret journey.
Yet I know you are a ghost days and nights.

Someday when I pour down the rain,
You’ll know.
Love is as sweet as water in drought—
If it is not late....

May all beings be happy.

Rejection vs Ignorance – chatting

A cute conversation in a weekend happened when two besties missed each other. The convo went well until a topic came up.

Friend 1: What is worse than being rejected?

Friend 2: What is worse than being rejected?

Friend 1: Being ignored.

Friend 2: Are you teasing me? I’ve known it from the beginning.

Friend 1: Why did you let yourself be ignored then? You’re doomed. What a stupid move.

Friend 2: I didn’t prepare ignorance, I prepared rejection. But I learnt my lesson.

Friend 1: Lesson? What subject? (might be saying while smirking)

Friend 2: Distance-speed-time formula (whatever one wanted to say)

Friend 1: Hmm…. Seems that you already master it now.

Friend 2: Pretty much.

Friend 1: So?

Friend 2: So what?!

Friend 1: Oops. Sorry. You learnt your lesson, I know. Don’t trust that type of subject. Don’t be naive ever again !@#$%^&*()_+!

Friend 2: !@#$%^&*()_+!

Then both laughed together. That’s what friends are for – tasting each other’s bitterness, ridiculing each other’s foolishness and throwing worst wisdom to each other’s nose.

Through the FaceTime audio


Thank you for the picture to: https://www.macworld.co.uk/how-to/iphone/how-facetime-iphone-3583186/ 

What Has Age Taught You? – haiku

What has age taught you?
Fear to lose or daringness
To shine through glory~

Temasek – October 14, 2019


Life is choking at times but mostly it feels too roomy to let yourself be offended by only a few wrong-doings or wrong decisions. If your life is as short as a mayfly’s age, you might want to fly dancing the most gracefully. Or, you just want to rest perching on the bark while praying for the best of 24 hours before your life cycle ends — this is the least suggested though.

My Beloved, please always spare me a beautiful life -I know Your definition of beautiful might be with some splash of shit in it- to share with those that matter to me (and also with those that don’t, as You wish). 💝

Please grant me clarity.

Secret – ranting

And from now on I will have to keep it secret.

Sometimes you don’t have to tell anyone what you think.
And I decided not to tell people what I think about a person if not about important things.

Sometimes you don’t have to share how you feel to anyone.
And I decided to not share anything if not important things.

But what is not important about your life?
Everything is important.
So, wanna expose everything?
Ok, yet priority makes it simple.

Yeah, I decided to filter what to be told and shared.
What an unimportant ranting mine is!

Happy holidays!

Singapore – December 23, 2018 – 12:19am


How – ranting

I’m almost 50?
Gosh! Am I that near to what is called half a century? it gives me goosebump!
What have I done?
To my beloved parents?
To my beloved sisters?
To my beloved brothers?
To my friends?
To my country?
To humanity?

To myself?

Last month I visited a good friend and found more things about her. She has done so much in her life.
She helped me and her colleagues grow professionally.
She did many things to help people in her industry.
She did so much to her mother especially when her mother was in the deathbed.
She travels to see many places.
She plays piano.
She plays violin.
She plays golf.
She hangs out with friends.
She read spiritual books.
She always comes up with solutions of problems around her.
She dedicates her life to humanity.
She does many many things that I can even only imagine I can do with my mini courage.

Once I told her “My Friend, I think you will not regret your life when you die.”

And she said “You’re right, Rike. I won’t regret my life when I die. I will die happy because I’ve lived happily.”

She said to me, “Be happy. Do something that you have wanted to do but you haven’t. Hey, what about taking music classes?”

Going out from her apartment, I could not stop thinking of what I should do to make my life meaningful for myself and for those I love that I leave when I die.

Life is short and I’ve gotta do something.

Thanks, my Friend for being an inspiration to me.

I will die happy because I’ve lived happily.

Singapore – April 29, 2018 – 02:39

The picture below is of Fifi (the black and white) and Chocho (the ginger), kittens in my Mom’s home. Chocho died of suffering for his back on April 23, 2018 at around 11:15am Jakarta time. Thank you, Chocho for telling me over and over again that you lived happily and died happy. Thank you, my dear kitten. See you across the rainbow bridge….


The Biggest Lesson (Pelajaran Terbesar)

Do you still ask yourselves about what is the biggest lesson in your life? Don’t sweat so much. I dare to confidently tell you to stop and halt a moment.

No need to think of having a past life regression session. No need to consult to a shaman anymore. Just see around.

Who is in your family?

That is the biggest lesson in your current life. Your father, your mother, your sister, your brother, your children, your wife, your husband…. They become yours for a reason.

Think of how well you are as you – a child, a sister, a brother, a mother, a father, etc….

If you still find a gap, then bridge the gap and you are doing your biggest homework of life – family.

Never forget your family, the real closest ones in life. Never ignore them, or else you’ll fail the test of life and MUST retake in the next session. You don’t want to retake the same exam, do you?


See around again…

It is your family the biggest lesson of yours.


==== (versi Bahasa Indonesia)

Apakah kamu masih bertanya-tanya apa sebenernya pelejaran terbesar dalam hidupmu? Jangan terlalu dipikirin. Saya berani memintamu untuk berhenti sejenak.

Usah berpikir bikin janji untuk past life regression. Tak perlu konsultasi sama dukun lagi. Lihat saja sekitar Anda.

Siapa keluargamu?

Itulah pelajaran terbesar dalam hidupmu. Ayahmu, ibumu, saudaramu, anak-anakmu, isitrimu, suamimu…. Mereka menjadi bagian hidupmu bukan tanpa alasan.

Pikirkan sebaik apa Anda menjadi Anda sekarang – sebagai anak, saudara, ibu, bapak, dll….

Jika kamu masih merasa kurang baik, segeralah perbaiki diri dan saat itulah kamu mengerjakan PR kamu dalam hidup – keluarga.

Jangan lupakan keluargamu, orang-orang yang sesungguhnya dekat denganmu dalam hidupmu. Jangan abaikan mereka, atau kamu gagal dalam ujian kehidupan dan HARUS mengulang di sesi selanjutnya. Kamu nggak pengen mengulang ujian yang sama kan?

Lihatlah sekelilingmu lagi…

Keluarga lah pelajaran terbesarmu..



Temasek – January 5, 2016 – 9:00pm

Truth – Real?

Through photography I learn a lot of things: how to focus – giving priority to either colour or shape, detail or wholeness, to be confident when taking pictures for often time the object is so weird people think photographer is crazy taking not so important things as interesting objects, how to take care of the camera and lenses and to review which photos should be saved or discarded….

In fact just this month I learned about one thing amazing through photography. Not found the lesson by myself but by listening to a young artist from Yogyakarta (Noe Sabrang of Letto). He talked about truth using photograph analogy. Won’t be accurately articulated but won’t deviate from his words:

When someone takes picture of a flower and the pic is blurred, is it a flower when s/he claims it’s a flower? Yes, it is but it is vague and some people will probably deny its being a flower.

When someone takes picture of a flower and the pic is just ok, is it a flower pic? Yes, it is and people might recognise it is a flower.

When someone takes picture of a flower and the pic is naturally looking like the real flower, is it a flower pic? Yes, it is and people recognise it and even get amazed with the beauty of the flower that might have not been realized before.

I think it is smart of his stating the truth through what has not been used as analogy of truth before.

Then I took the analogy home…. I thought and reckoned and recounted and pondered then come to an awareness…

Even if the flower pic is so naturally taken and amazed the eyes of the spectators…. It is still not the real flower.

It is reflection of the real flower. Reflection of truth…. Why do people like claiming they’re true? 🙂

Another lesson for me: truth discloses itself by time, piece by piece until it is crystal clear in the real shape and undeniable, human beings should just be patient.


Temasek – February 23, 2015 – 7:28pm

International Airport But….

I’m such a nagging grandma ha ha…. Please allow me to….

I’m in Juanda International Airport (terminal 2) Surabaya (East Java), a new one…. I’ve been in this site several times and kinda a bit disappointed with the facility.

They don’t have money changer, man….. When I asked “how come no money changer?”, they would say “Oh, it’s new….” as a giant excuse but it won’t work for me. And, today’s experience was definitely not first of mine; I told them to have one earlier this year (which were also asked by many people). And, they still don’t change. They asked me to go to terminal 1.

International? Do they  seriously expect tourist and foreign business people to come in? So, what did they analyze of what the tourists need when arriving in an international airport?

They would tell you there’s a bank behind the ATM centre; and there you would be every disappointed with the rate. Today’s rate in the bank headquarters is  IDR9,393.66 per SGD1 but the bank give much lower than that. And, what made me so upset the lady manager told me that it is today’s Bank Indonesia’ rate when I asked what rate they were using. Wow! Are you trying to cheat this TKW (tenaga kerja wanita = female foreign worker)? And, when I called my friend in Jakarta to check that bank’s today’s rate, the lady revised her statement – this time she said “We are actually using pur own rate, madam”. Another gent manager came to tell me more firmly about the exchange rate thing but I did not entertain him. I just asked for that manager’s mobile number with my poker face without listening to his lecturing about banking and told the tellers to proceed the transaction.

I just said bluntly, “Please answer my question honestly, madam and sir. I’m your customer and you don’t try to pull my legs. Just for one hundred dollar?”

This is part of what I don’t like about my beloved country, Indonesia Raya. Some people are taking any possible way to earn and it is also done by some people called service providers. Bank is one of service provider, man….

If it happened two years ago, I might have said nothing in front of those people ‘coz I think they have good reasons and they have every single right to tell their shit then deep down in heart I would forgive them without traces. But not now…. You say bad things or do bad things to me, I put a line of tally somewhere in the space to count how good the Universe is at Math.

I’ve changed; yes, I have. Never underestimate what I have and what I’ve done well anymore. You can think of however you like to think about me but I don’t care. I will do whatever I like if I know it’s right. That’s it — I rest my case.


Picture borrowed from http://aritunsa.com/terminal-2-juanda-airport/

Suroboyo – December 23, 2014 – 1:53pm



Bertahun lalu saya membaca cerita seri Lupus karya Hilman Hariwijaya. Ceritanya lucu bener dan sangat menarik untuk orang “daerah” seperti saya yang hanya bisa membayangkan kehidupan para remaja Jakarta. Saya masih ingat saya bertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri apa arti lupus. Saya sempat berpikir apakah lupus artinya permen karet ya? Ya maklum lah waktu itu saya masih SMP, akses pada informasi sangat terbatas – ndeso, bow – dan terutama internet belum terjangkau.

Sampai akhirnya saya menginjak usia SMA. Saya mulai berkenalan dengan ensiklopedia milik sekolah saya yang saya buka kapanpun ada kesempatan ke perpustakaan. Ternyata lupus itu artinya srigala. Ada juga sih arti lain tapi yang paling pas dengan yang saya harapkan adalah srigala itu.


Istilah ini saya kenal ketika saya kuliah. Artinya sih katanya “manusia adalah srigala bagi manusia lain” atau “manusia memangsa manusia lain”. Sangat mengenaskan kalau memang istilah ini sudah ada sejak jaman dahulu kala; indikasi “istilah lama” ini karena pertama kali diucapkan oleh Plautus dalam karyanya Asinaria pada tahun 195 SM yang tepatnya berbunyi “lupus est homo homini”.

Yang dialami teman saya ini mungkin semacam “homo homini lupus”, dia dimangsa oleh teman yang lainnya.

Seorang karyawan kontrak di sebuah pabrik – sebut saja namanya si Gopel – menjalani kerja sampingan sebagai tenaga harian lepas di pabrik lain. Di pabrik siang dia bekerja sebagai tenaga di bagian pengemasan (packing) dan di pabrik dengan shift malam dia bekerja sebagai tenaga kuli angkut di bagian gudang bahan dan kadang diperbantukan di bagian pengemasan (packing).

Suatu hari, teman-temannya merasa bahwa si Gopel ini hidup lebih makmur daripada dia. Gopel bisa tetap bertahan hidup: membayar kontrakan dan ada indikasi akan mencicil rumah di pinggiran kota tangerang, mencicil motor lewat koperasi perusahaan, membeli sembako di koperasi dan juga menyekolahkan dua anaknya di sekolah negeri yang berlokasi di dekat alun-alun Kota Tangerang. Gopel tidak pernah menyadari bahwa ada sekelompok orang yang menginginkan kemakmurannya. Gopel hanya menjalani hidupnya secara polos tanpa aturan main kecuali norma kesetiaan kepada keluarga dan kesholehan sosial dalam pergaulan.

Tanpa piker panjang, teman-teman itu melaporkan pada pabrik siang dan pabrik malam tentang apa yang dilakukan oleh Gopel. Mereka memprotes apa yang dilakukan Gopel berdasarkan peraturan ini dan itu yang intinya adalah Gopel telah menyalahi hokum karena memiliki 2 pekerjaan yang sama di 2 tempat yang berbeda.

Gopel hanya bisa menarik napas panjang, sepanjang usus dan seluruh otot di tubuhnya jika disambungkan menjadi satu. Gopel kemudian teringat pada gajinya yang selalu hanya bersisa Rp.100.000 karena sisanya telah dipotong hutang koperasi. Dengan bekerja di malam hari sebagai harian lepas maka dia akan mendapatkan tambahan Rp.700.000 per bulan, jumlah yang cukup untuk membayar uang sekolah dua anaknya dan biaya hidup sehari-hari. Seringkali istrinya dan dia harus berpuasa; dia berucap syukur karena anak-anaknya juga ikut berpuasa jika orangtuanya berpuasa.


Istri Gopel bermaksud menjual lupis, makanan yang menjadi kesukaan keluarga. Maka dengan modal kecil dia membeli beras ketan, kelapa, daun pandan dan keperluan lain. Maka di hari itu, di hari Gopel kehilangan pekerjaan sebagai tenaga packing di pabrik tempat dia bekerja sebagai karyawan kontrak karena HRD di pabrik itu mengatakan bahwa itu tidak etis. Gopel hanya pasrah maka dia hanya bisa menjadi karyawan harian lepas di shift malam. Dia memutuskan untuk membantu sang istri di pagi dan siang hari termasuk membuat kue lupis dan menjualnya. Laris juga tapi tetap saja belum cukup untuk menutup kebutuhan keluarga.


Tiba saatnya Gopel mendapat panggilan untuk menerima gaji di pabrik tempat dia bekerja di shift malam. Hati tenangnya mengatakan bahwa Rp.700.000 akan masuk ke kantongnya. Hati galaunya mengusiknya bahwa bulan depan dia akan mengalami krisis keuangan karena tabungan mereka hanya cukup untuk satu bulan ke depan. Dua bulan yang akan datang dia terancam tak bisa membayar kontrakan, cicilan motor dan kehilangan hak mengutang pada koperasi untuk kebutuhan sembako.

Setelah memarir motor, Gopel langsung menuju ADM (petugas administrasi) di bagian packing yang biasanya bertugas membagikan gaji pada karyawan harian lepas.

“Gopel.” Gopel mendengar namanya dipanggil. Dengan langkah tegap dia menghampiri petugas ADM.

“Dipanggil HRD sekarang.”

Gopel merasa tulangnya dilucuti dari tubuhnya; lemas. Dia tahu apa yang akan terjadi padanya. Dia akan kehilangan pekerjaan sampingan yang sekarang telah menjadi pekerjaan utamanya. Kepasrahan memenuhi relung hatinya. Wolo-wolo kuwato, kata orang Jawa.

“Gopel ya?”

“Iya, Pak. Saya mau ngambil gaji tadi trus disuruh ke sini.”

“Iya. Kamu tahu nggak kenapa dipanggil?”

“Mau dipecat ya, Pak?”

“Enggak, siapa yang bilang kamu dipecat.”

“Saya sudah dipecat dari pabrik siang, Pak.”

“Iya, saya tahu kok.”

Gopel diam seribu bahasa.

“Gini Gopel, kamu pernah jadi operator genset ya?”

“Pernah, Pak tapi sudah lama. Sebelum saya pindah ke packing di pabrik siang.”

“Operator genset kita pindah ke Sukabumi, nggak ada lagi yang bisa ngoperasiin genset. Kamu mau nggak jadi operator genset?”

Gopel bengong.

“Beneran ini, Pak?”

“Bener lah masak saya main-main. Tuh orangnya tanyain aja, mulai minggu depan udah keluar. Mau nggak?”

“Mau, mau, Pak. Saya mau banget.”

Manager HRD tersenyum-senyum lega, pekerjaannya tuntas sudah.

“Gini, Gopel. Kamu nanti probation dulu 3 bulan trus habis itu langsung diangkat jadi karyawan tetap ya. Nanti ada training dulu ya.”

Gopel makin bengong karena dia tidak paham arti probation. Tapi kata-kata karyawan tetap membuatnya tersenyum bahagia.

Gopel menyambut tangan Manager HRD yang memberikannya selamat.

Hari itu juga Gopel dan keluarga lepas dari himpitan mangsaan srigala yang bernama manusia.

Jatiuwung, 14 November 2012 – 1:34 siang

Gambar dipinjam dari http://mikebrandlyauctioneer.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/how-ethical-are-auctioneers/


Berapa ratus kali dalam hidupku terderas ayat berisi Jalan Lurus ini? Shirotol mustaqim adalah konsep yang selama ini telah mengakar sebagai sebuah jalan yang sangat sulit dan kompleks membuat hidupku sangat berat. Jalan lurus adalah jalan yang jika tak ditempuh oleh orang yang benar maka akan tergelincir di jurang bernama neraka. Jalan yang terbentang setipis rambut dibelah tujuh dan setajam pisau berlian. Tak terbayangkan kecuali menimbulkan ketakutan.

Semakin saya telaah maka hasilnya hanya ketakutan dan penjauhan diri dari persyaratan-persyaratan demi keselamatan meniti jalan lurus itu. Hingga saya berjumpa dengan seseorang akhir pekan lalu.

Seorang wanita yang jika dia tak keberatan kuanggap sebagai salah satu dari guru-guru kehidupanku. Wanita sederhana yang jika orang bicara padanya maka meluncurlah deretan peluru-peluru penuh hikmah dari mulutnya.

Salah satunya adalah pemahamanku tentang Jalan Lurus.

“Jalan lurus itu ya jalan sederhana. Jalan yang nggak membingungkan kita. Lurus saja = sederhana saja. Jalan ini hanya perlu satu kemauan yaitu menjalani segalanya secara sederhana. Sederhana itu ya sederhana, simple nggak usah pusing-pusing. Sederhana dalam berpikir, menyederhanakan sama dengan menyempurnakan. Kau sederhanakan egomu maka sempurnalah pikirmu.”

Luar biasa!

Sedemikian rumitnya pikiranku dan menyederhanakannya adalah sebuah urgensi pribadi. Tidak ada orang lain yang bisa membantuku menyederhanakan pikiranku. Hanya aku dan aku saja.

Sederhana adalah kembali pada satu komponen terkecil yang sekecil kemampuan terkecilku yang kubutuhkan untuk memahami bahwa “segalanya hanya berdasarkan kesepakatan” maka jika tidak tercapai kesepakatan “jangan marah, diamlah dan nikmatilah hidupmu setiap detiknya”.

Hatiku tersentak dan tersentuh. Musik latar film masa kecilku “Little House in the Prairie” mengiringiku meneguhkan hati untuk menyederhanakan pikiran, tidak memperpanjangnya dengan emosi, menyempurnakannya dengan kemanusiaan. Sungguh kesederhanaan yang tak terlampaui rumitnya.

Jalan lurus adalah jalan sederhana.
Sesederhana keinginanku untuk tak peduli dengan apapun yang berbeda. Sesederhana kemauanku untuk berbahagia setiap saat. Sesederhana hari-hariku yang dimulai dengan ungkapan syukur dan ditutup dengan ungkapan syukur.

Jalan lurusku bukan jalan di mana sujud-sujud panjang menghitamkan dahi para pendoa, bukan jalan di mana dentingan koin emas merisaukan pada pensedekah, bukan jalan di mana rasa lapar dan dahaga ditaklukkan oleh para pelaku puasa. Jalan lurusku adalah sederhana saja: jangan marah dan maafkanlah…

Rumah kecil di bantaran Kali Cisadane