graphs of my Universe
Happy in the rain,
She's throwing smiles to the cloud.
Rain sends smiles to her.
yellow symbolizes happiness
don’t wait for external causes to celebrate life — rain can be a trigger to flooding anger within or simply a trigger to remind us that there is freshness within ready to dance
I thought of since when I became so secretive. The answer is since I was young when “betrayal was unbearable” and as time goes by my guard has become higher and higher. Since then friend is just to share my good vibes and fun until now. Talking to best friends means talking about politics, ordinary people’s memes and videos; only three celebrities can be our serious topic of discussion: Dian Sastro (without doubt our sweetheart), Nicholas Saputra (her sweetheart) and Keanu Reeves (mine); other celebs are not important to us– more drama, less achievement. No love life sharing, no nothing❣️I prefer listening to being listened to.
I only have one bestfriend that I share more about my difficulty dealing with my mother ☺️ — mother-daughter relationship is very unique: so much true love at the same time some shade of jealousy. I don’t share too many problems to mother; I want to make her retirement peaceful and easy so everyday she js texting me at (my) 3am (her 2am) to inform me that she is going to pray for me and my siblings for so and so and later at (my) 5am (her 4am) to “Hello, my dear. Hope today your work is smooth and blessed. Always believe in God. Are you fasting? What’s the plan to cook for dinner?” The same routine from her and I will either text or call her at (my) 6am after morning prayer. I do my best to make mother laugh — my best story-teller ibu 😘😘😘
Ooops! What triggered me to think of being secretive? I work in a company where secret and being secretive is always listed #1 in working on projects. Keep it secret. Keep it low key. Confidential. NDA. Black project. Need to know basis. I have no idea. I am not in the team. Sorry I can’t share it with you. And the like, name it. “Shut up” is my daily routine. Ju….st before this lunch break I was reminded (for how many times heaven knows) to instruct my field team to sign several NDA before visiting some sites. Voila! And so I write!
Yes, being secretive is applied to my personal and professional life so it is never difficult to lock my mouth to anyone. Believe me or not; not many people know in what company I work — and that doesn’t matter. Not important where I am sitting, it is more important what I’ve contributed with what I’ve done– although the contribution is not publicly announced. I am highly trained to be a humble person– YES, I AM (oh…. this is not being humble by declaring being humble hahaha…). And a highly trained person to not meddle on others’ personal affairs. Public affairs are exempted as they affect my well being as a citizen and as a human being. 😁
My friends asked if it is not tiring to be secretive. No. It is as simple as closing the door of my house; locking my trunk everytime going out from hotel room, securing my Mac in the locked trunk when leaving without it, discarding my diaries when they are full (my diaries are writing and drawing), and making my social media account private.
The last one (making my social media account private) has been violated by myself. After archiving a lot of photos that mostly relate to my leisure activities with colleagues, my solo travel fun and my other activities with significant engagement from friends, I finally opened my instagram account with only 10% of the original to appear. Furthermore, I heard instagram will treat copyright of photos and videos like Facebook does so I plan to finally delete the archived as well.
Why opening instagram account to public?
My best friend told me to make a book review some time ago as we both like reading and she thought that my mind deserves some disclosure (although I should be careful because sometimes my thinking can cause discrimination and hatred against me). I want to train myself to show to public the external skin of my personality before finally sharing my book review. At least public should have a context of me aside from seeing my review; only those true self I will allow to know me better and best.
When will I share my book review? Damn! It is challenging! I’ve made some and they don’t suffice my own demand. I need to redo and redo and redo until one best one deserves my own criticism.
My next challenge is to reopen comment column in this blog but maybe it will also take forever to finally happen. I am not afraid of bad comments, so be it. I am just reluctant to reply to comments like how Michael Lai and Penumbra Haiku nicely reply to comments– those two are the only blogs I visit with excitement. As a matter of facts I am now having many pending comments to approve– I won’t probably approve them. 😁
Time to prepare some ingredients of what I will cook after work today.
once upon a time only the queen had the key to the old storage in the dungeon and she forgot where she put it
😊
Love teaches me to be generous
Of admiration and hopes and dreams.
However, fear drives me to be stingy
Of admiration and hopes and dreams.
You're a pendulum I'm hugging, Beloved
Swinging me from
Love to
Fear.
I know my wish won't change anything.
You constantly move to balance
Your own generosity,
And my imbalance is just a side effect,
Not your fault--
I'm almost drowning,
Your stream is so strong.
I'm more and more deeply pulled
To where I belong:
A smile of generosity,
Where love is abundant,
Fear dormant.
letting go is making sure love is abundant and fear dormant
It's humble,
Warm,
Spacious,
Fragrant,
Sweet,
Loving,
Beautiful and
True
As this heart.
My home....
I miss
You.
this song depicts how i love my perfect home to be — i miss Jogja
November, please give me just one weekend to be there then i will be a prisoner again until next slot that you wholeheartedly give
❣️
Be true
Being true
True
Self
Thank you, dear life for being so true to me and teaching me how to be.
I felt so heavy this morning. After swimming, I continued preparing a line of chores that were not finished last night. Yet when doing the laundry and some kitchen things, I was “attacked” by a feeling of broken heart and anger that didn’t seem to be from my own experience– I’ve been so in love and blessed recently.
I remember that what we feel is not always who we are, there might be others’ negative energy around us that with heaven knows what reasons the energy attaches to us. So I stopped for a while: talking to myself, talking to my best friend, posting some funny videos to my instagram then meditating for a while. And tada! My mother called me giving me some news about this and that happening around her.
No wonder I’ve felt so heavy and broken hearted.
Now I know I am not broken hearted.
I am filled with so much love and flowing it to those knowing how to appreciate it.
I promise to be always true to this true self and to those true to it.
May all beings be happy.
💗
These wings, Beloved,
Have flown miles, ages for you.
Celebrating life--
Sal Priadi speaks love in unique yet clear manner
thank you for being my voice in this sweet Sunday
Liberating love
Makes her fly high to the sky
Seeing a blessed heart.
the ultimate love is that that liberates
listening to this song feels like liberated in love
💗
Have a great weekend!
enjoying Dalang Seno’s wayang show (audio) while doing my Satuday night’s chores after some bite of chocolate
This morning I heard someone said that life is flat when not comparing or without comparison. Do I agree? I can say I disagree; yet I respect his different perspective of life.
Most people if not all want to grow. The ways they see the need of growth are different from each other. Some people feel the need through seeing other people’s position so they can feel better or worse. I have better this. I have more that.
Some other people feel the need to see their own position earlier to see their progress. I want to be better than me yesterday.
Some others will need to feel either better or worse simply because they have or not have sufficient self esteem. I am better than others simply because of having things better in some ways and worse of having not.
The others don’t care, they just be. Oh! Some are peaceful because of being so accepting: empowered; the rest are probably being angry for not (yet) accepting: ignorant.
Which one is me? I am swinging between comparing to me yesterday and feeling either better or worse without comparing. Is that bad? And what is my target?
I truly want to accept whatever I am facing as it is. As…. It…. Is….!
Whether it is good or bad, I don’t evaluate through those two adjectives. Oh maybe I am to be the last type in a peaceful state: just be. But no! Or, at least not yet. I am a human being and I still want to be imperfect until time calls me to meet the Perfect Perfect — as long as I am accepting my being imperfect human being, I will grow (hopefully to the right direction).
I’m a perfectly imperfect one compared to the growth itself. 😊
So, do I still disagree with comparing? Yes or no? Paradoxically yes, comparing is the lowest skill of self evaluation if not the lowest skill of strategic thinking. Look at below samples of comparing to see my point.
Simple question: how can you compare Keanu Reeves with your boyfriend? Even if Mr Reeves is much better than your man, will he be yours? Even if your boyfriend is better than Keanu, will he be a world star? The best way is to accept that romantically you are into one man, while idolizing Keanu Reeves.
One more question: how can you compare a small company run with a simply sustainable system and make the whole population happy and content with a giant company run with a robust system and make the whole population proud and dignified? The best way is to see if either system is corrupt or not.
Happy weekend….
i am nurturing my tree to grow, probably to outgrow myself — i can’t even compete my shadow 😊
thank you for the reminder
She's locked, Beloved,
Under radar of a plane
Showering much love.
No mercy. Between nervous
And happy, she's humming tunes.
love can be as cruel as rain of missiles bombarding a quiet village in a peaceful night — hope i don’t die in misery
🥰
Sometimes
I ignore the name
When I know it is the same.
Dear
You,
How your beauty and majesty
Has encapsulated me
In one existence called
Life!
Now I can only choose either
To love or
To leave.
they call it “Mie Kari” in KL, it is “Laksa” in Penang 😘 in Singlish it is called “same same but different” 😁
If flower's singing,
Dandelion does the best.
She wishes to heart.
dear dandelion, bring my rhythms to my love and let my love decide the rhyme
i wish one sweetest rhyme is chosen from the very heart resonating mine
💕
Water is splashing
Once fallen on to surface.
Lace of ripples be--
negatively perceived by others is not something new for me; many human beings don’t believe in good will or good intention simply because they are trying to protect themselves from being robbed — they think others being kind to them is a strategy to take their power or their money
i’ve met some people accusing me of being kind to rob their money or power; i never explain about my good will or intention and just continue being kind — if they finally recognize the kindness, it’s good for them for knowing kindness; if they never do, it’s good for me for being protected from stupidity
i only want to cause ripples of kindness in my life
It is what you do
Bringing deeds. And so you do,
Do through sweeter heart.
i was tired of being a wicked energy in one side of life, so i decided to be a sweeter softer heart in all sides of life — whatever they say….
💕
Today's done, my love,
With a bunch of reminders
To always believe.
i’m not a religious person but in my opinion holy book (whichever it is: the Quran, Bible, Torah, Vedha, etc) is one reference of layers of truth that at least can put some ease on mind when i feel like wanting to disbelieve
when traveling i usually bring a small paperbook Quran to flip and read after work before sleep; this time i don’t because in some countries like Indonesia and Malaysia hotels lend Quran by request from the guest
today i borrowed one from the hotel as i really wanted to touch Quran pages to find some solace
this shows me how fragile a human being can be to face daily life challenge at the same time how simple human being can be cured from the fragility
thank you
💝
Love is felt, dear Love,
By leaves through the breeze and soil.
Romance at autumn--
autumn, give me strength to love with no attachment
i don’t even like myself sometimes 💕 ahhh no wonder you don’t want to meet me either 😂
Dear Autumn, turn red,
Shower me with falling leaves
That miss Mother Earth.
Autumn Leaves
Duh Gusti, please fill my existence with loving kindness forever.
Thank you as always.
💕
❣️
Thank you, dear weekend
For slapping my face with waves
That clear busy mind.
in the middle of a book that i picked in Sep 2023 and started reading in Sep 2024
soon completed
one big note within my reading which i am sure will stay until the end of the reading: always start with why except in loving someone, when you love someone with a why, you will find another why and finally you have no reason to love that someone and you’ll go back to your meaningless emptiness — know that only love never needs why
thank you, Truth for giving me so big a heart that contains so little to no why for loving, and so big a mind that contains unlimited why’s for knowing life
have a weekend, take a breath and set new days
i beg mercy from You, The Truth — set me free ASAP from heart congestion and mind unclarity
duh Gusti…. 😘
She thought
The door was open ajar
And so she stepped forward
Then she found
It was never ajar,
It was unclearly welcoming,
Playing true heart,
Causing a burning pain.
It was a glass window
Protecting a door
That was never open--
Neither for her
Nor for anyone
Probably--
Some home is designed
To lure hope
Just to damage true trust.
She decided that
It's her fault
And mindfully she's to be careful
As her heart won't
Bear the cost of
What's not true
Anymore.
stand in front of a door that is finally found never open for me, time to go within
it is my first time, very first time to find that a heart can show me so overwhelmingly huge clear admiration and hope but then cause me to free fall ridiculously
maybe i did something really bad to that heart in my previous life
dear, love — i don’t want unclarity next time; i don’t want false alarm; i want only clear mind and genuine intension
lesson is learnt in many ways; i thank life for teaching me so much love — this time love that has no clarity about its own self
thank you, love for giving me clarity about myself and about you
💕
Morning, Beloved
Welcomes a cycle to close,
To open new days.
morning has broken
A gift, Beloved,
Wrapped or unwrapped, it will be
Blessings to both sides.
today i met my Tapa Brata room mate, she is a sister in this spiritual and medical journey for me; while she is much younger than me, she is tremendously more advanced in what we both are doing — today she wrapped me a silver jewelry that i right away wore to go dinner with her in PS
thank you for this pretty gift, FO
A point, Beloved,
With which a view is perceived.
Welcome, clarity.
clear and clean
She asks what's better
Today or next life? The same--
If it is the same.
what can be better than tempe with good friends around? both are at the same level of comfort
💕
still the best version — thank you, Sir
I see trees of green
Red roses too
I see them bloom
For me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
I see skies of blue
And clouds of white
The bright blessed day
The dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow
So pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces
Of people going by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying
I love you
I hear babies cry
I watch them grow
They'll learn much more
Than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Ooh, yes
She's blessed, Beloved
In the name of none but love
By those knowing love.
almost done with the packing — short getaway somewhere connected with 1-week biz trip to KL
i’ve been in good mood
this was the first time i was kissed and hugged by the CFO of a company after a closing meeting — she said she had heard my name from other counterparts in other branches and she liked the way i defended my standpoint; or, probably she was just being a mother who remembered her daughter
thank you, YW; you are blessed
Let's celebrate it,
A victory of breathing
And smiling to life.
celebrating today’s victory with my team before closing meeting
🔥
She is scared away
By all silence thrown to her.
Going back within--
sometimes work is the only heaven when undivided attention distracts me from other disturbances
today is the last day of audit in one supplier near home then i will complete packing to fly early tomorrow morning — i don’t know if the meet-up will happen (i heard the person will go somewhere else with someone else); if not, at least i know whether or not this is my way
💕
I just wanna be
Soaked and refreshed in your love.
Fun in solitude--
evening swim is nice with splashing sound and unseen shadowy fellow swimmers — soaked and refreshed in solitude is a privilege
rike jokanan 
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