Tell me, Beloved,
Your light shows me light journey.
These steps are now light.
me and Blue, ready to greet the wet earth after rain
hi, home 💕
what will be across the resevoir?
light on the railway
Show of Light
Tag: love
An Empty Jar
I will love you
As an empty jar
Waiting for streams of words
Telling me stories,
Containing drops of secrets
Petrifying in our soul,
Concocting ingredients of ideas
Writing beautiful love stories,
Catching breeze of affection
Weaving sheet of loyalty.
loving you like i am an empty jar
An Empty Jar
She's an empty jar
Longing for your rain to pour.
Fragrance of dried clay--
what do we want to pour into ou empty jar? blessings or cursing? love or ignorance? up to us–
One Thousand of Laughter
This love is laughing
A thousand times
To celebrate her victory
Everyday
No matter what--
5 is ha in Thai, 55 is haha, most of my Thai friends will write 5555555…. when they want to show laughter
thank you, Bangkok for giving me 55K that means one thousand of laughter
Why Love Poem? #1
Why love poem, my love?
It's you writing in my heart
That longs for her rose.
My liking to poem started at early age with the pantun jenaka (Indonesian four-lined poem, mostly witty and light) in Bahasa Indonesia lesson book and the Javanese poem contained in mocopat (Javanese traditional songs) and geguritan (Javanese free verse) in Jayabaya magazine subscribed by our parents. I also loved reading books and comics but poetry has given me more room to explore meanings and imagination.
I’ve written diary since I learnt how to compose paragraph. I wrote poems to express emotion that I could not describe through prose because of the emotion complexity and also I wanted to make beautiful expression.
And as I studied Literature in uni, poetry became integrated part of my days. I wrote a lot of poems but most were gone with the paper pulping and the floppy disks rotten.
I used to write poem about nature as I loved Robert Frost, William Wordsworth, John Keats’ works.
Over the time especially when I started reading Rumi and Ibn Arabi, I started to use more word love, beloved, lover and all things related to them. And I also love to use the word river, sea, meadow and some nature related words. It is simply because those words can represent the vibe, nuance, atmosphere and foundation of idea in me.
When I talk about love, is it always about love? Yes, it is always about love because the only topic relevant to life is love.
When I talk about love, is it always about romance? Sometimes? But most of my love poem is about the love within me, the love to life, the love to a reality that I cannot describe but I can only sense both subtly physically and non-physically.
my fondness to love is equivalent with my fondness to the breeze caressing my hair
Some of my friends will tell me “kamu gombal” in English it can mean “you are bullshitting” or “you are flirting”. I don’t mind people say that. I don’t have to explain to those not knowing my inner journey; to those who are in the same journey I don’t need to explain as they know what happens to and within me.
I will not change my love story in this life.
Am I afraid that a man that I love will think I am madly in love with someone else? No! He will know that my love poem is only for him. If he doesn’t know, it means he doesn’t vibe enough love with and for me.
What about if people think I am gaslighting? I also don’t mind although I might get hurt inside. I really don’t mind.
I love love poems and I dedicate the love poems to my Beloved, me, beloved, family and friends and the whole world. Someday if Life allows me to be remembered even after I die, I want to be remembered as a human being who knows love and compassion. If Life wants me to be forgotten after I die, I know I am forgotten in the name of love.
💕
(no edit is applied to this writing, please excuse my typos; i wrote this to wait during flight delay in Svarnabhum International Airport, Bangkok)
About That Period (sweet memory) #3
Within the 10-year range, I was busy trying to heal my mental breakdown. I spent so much resource on that. Consulting to life coaches, religious people, tarot readers, psychologist, etc you name it. It was to validate that I was ok just to know that each of them said I was not ok. My denial that I was not ok became one of the root causes why it took so long to heal. No one from my family and friends knew; no one. They just knew I was into spirituality.
It started with a break-up from someone that I blindly loved in either end of 2009 or early 2010. I can’t remember the exact year because after the break-up I was insisting that the relationship had to proceed while the other side didn’t want to without giving specific reason so it was on and off dates between us.
Officially breaking up, I started a chaotic life that became more complicated with my decision to leave my previous job in 2011 to start focusing on spiritual classes, workshops and consultancies that was actually focusing on the damage. No one knew, what they knew was I was ok.
In late 2012 I met an ex colleague and agreed to join the company where she worked and continued until today.
The new job helped me well distract attention from the excruciating mental pain but I still did rigorous healing as the broken heart was still painfully rooted.
I cannot remember how many sessions with all the professionals and how much money spent for that, what’s remembered was that at the beginning I could not express myself up to a stage that I just spat the stories out when asked. It was not easy to talk about broken heart then accept it then let it go then open heart.
The flight of distress just touched down on runway in around 2018 when finally I could clearly detach from romantic memories–hell yeah that guy got married and had a baby several years ago and I still struggled with stupidity?
And that was the time I started intensely sensing pain in the head. So all these years I ignored the headache because I focused too much on my mental breakdown. When I flash back now and count how many packs of Paramex, Panadol, Neuralgin and other pain killer brands I got in other countries where I traveled in those years, I should have been a trusted ambassador for all of them esp Paramex that was shipped by friends from Jakarta or packed in the luggage when they visited me to Singapore. But truly I am a trusted ambassador of God who created me especially the kidneys that are still healthy after being tortured with processing so much chemical. 😊
my hero 😁 terima kasih ❣️
In Bali Usada I was taught that there are physical body (the body we can physically sense) and spiritual bodies (those we non-physically sense: etheric, chakra, mental). Whatever happens in one body will affect other bodies and that must have been what had happened to me in those 10 years: physical body tried to balance non-physical body that got seriously sick.
In my medical sessions I asked several doctors what might have caused my diseases while I had relatively healthy life (no drug, no alcohol, no free sex, good teamwork in office, etc); all of them said almost the same thing “might be some stress, might be because you are simply unlucky”. One of them suggested that I review if there was big stressor before I stopped my menses. And it was the break-up. Maybe! Just maybe!
I am not blaming anyone. I thank for having dealt with attachment issue before so I know what is the most to be alert in life. Big lesson is learnt, it’s been a move-on and no look-back.
I just won’t forget that…
this Banksy’s work of art is most relatable to me now
i let my heart fly in Your air, whoever cherishes it with respect, i will give my whole; otherwise, let it fly in Your air until the air within reunites with Your air
…. I can love others but I can never own them. They belong to life which is not theirs either, it is Life owning us.
…. Respect will override love in some situation in an adult mature’s relationship. If whom I love don’t respect me, I will claim dignity and let them go even if they are family members, except if they are my parents.
…. There shall be reciprocity in a relationship. One of the sides might have stronger emotion than the other(s) but they must have balanced effort to keep the connection going. No reciprocity, no relationship. It should be clearly stated, not only implied, not only indirectly quoting. Be a man, not a ghost.
…. No one can love one better than one’s self. Yet there shall not be too much attachment because someday this physical body will have to detach from the spiritual body– death will do all apart.
…. Life is just like that and I accept it just like that. Tears will still fall with an end or separation but the tears are not to cry for my selfish attachment; the tears are to mark that there is a value from something or someone leaving.
…. And other lessons lining like an army of ants❣️
Thank you again and again for giving me loving heart, (sometimes) excessive sweetness, fragility, silliness, naivety, stubbornness, intelligence and whatever I’ve grown with.
Thank you for this humble life, I never want to change anything. I leave it to you.
About That Period (sweet memory) #2
Sep 2019 was a big milestone in my life. I joined a daily-life-experience-based workshop called “Self Discovery” in Hawick, Edinburgh. I still felt mild headache and minor discomfort everyday as I tried to cut off my pain killer intake but the different daily life totally poles apart from my tropical life gave me unusual strength to complete the workshop.
Chisholme House from the hill
I met other students and many others (facilitators, care takers and guests) who shared spiritual journey experience. I heard a lot of stories from them; life experiences that instead of breaking the people, the experiences rebuilt them to be human beings with holistic perspective about life. Some of them experienced much worse situation than most; imagine someone who was physically abused as a child then suffered from deadly disease and left by her spouse with weak reason; someone physically abused by her spouse while being a financial supporter, someone suffering from huge bankrupcy and left by family, losing marriage and all family members, etc….
My situation (both physical discomfort and silent mental breakdown) compared to theirs seemed to be a tennis ball compared to basketball or even this globe. Just because of getting no menses and the growth in the brain and I’d played so big a drama as if I’d lost my life…. Come on, human!
the hill from Chisholme House
They indirectly helped me wake up from long hibernation. I silently thanked them in daily prayers among daily household chores: cleaning the house and yard, ironing linens, cooking the meals, making the dining table, washing the dishes, harvesting potatos, walking up and down the hill almost everyday to pray in the monument (this one was not mandatory, my own fave), cleaning the toilets, morning meditation, daily discussion (intense yet enlightening), weekly dzikr with the rest of participants (students, facilitators, care takers, guests), and so on and so forth. Life is about doing things even when it is simply making a flower arrangement for the dining table.
Maddy in the dining room where we all exchanged joy among other activities — dear God, i’d like to be there at least once again
Going back home, I was still the same person just with clearer perspective about life and with fondness to do household chores (this was truly good foundation to face the pandemic). Life is about experiencing what is by firmly embracing genuine intension, about accepting what is but never giving up good hopes and dreams, about sharing what’s granted without letting myself become broke, about becoming a human being.
I went home with a liberated mind. I promised to love myself fully by embracing that whether I had my menses or not, I was still a woman. I pledged in silence that I would take care of my body, mind and spirit better. The soul? Soul is soul, pure and healthy but probably blurr in dim — once the body, mind and spirit get healthy and balanced, the soul gets brighter and clearer.
Oct 18, 2019 was an important day: 1st day of giving up my hijab, the fashion I’d worn since I was 17– a small move that hugely changed details of my life. I gave it up with genuine intention and sufficient knowledge after my final contemplation during my workshop in the UK. I wanted to give up something that made me think that I was a fake because of doing it halfheartedly. I made it clear that although I didn’t wear hijab, I still could be a good human being.
I gained confidence and compliment from those respecting my decision but I also lost trust and connection from those considering me lost in the dark. I got one most hitting statement from someone saying “No worry, you are lost, Allah will guide you back.” But I also received compliments about clarity, bravery and honesty. So be it, both don’t bother me.
😊❣️
Walking home that day I felt very uncomfortable with my body, something I never had before. But I just accepted whatever it was. Reaching home, I found out of getting my menses — the first after 10 years!
So much hustle as I was not ready with whatever was needed for this supposed-to-be-regular-but-gone-for-10-years thing.
I got my menses! Until today some of friends still mocked me “You remember when you got your 1st menses at 44? Like a euphoric! While others probably would say damn I’ve got menses again so annoying!”
Until today I will say thank you everytime the menstruation comes although I have to feel 1 day or two of discomfort. It is a blessing that I missed before, it is a blessing that I thank every month and forever.
The endocrinologist decreased the medication dosage. He just said that there would be the next MRI to check the size of the growth. I am still taking the medicine but only 1.5 dosage per week, much lesser than before. My prolactin is still within 400-500, checked every 3 months with other kinds of blood test included to see my overall condition. Alhamdulillah….
I don’t deny the excitement and gratefulness of getting my menses back. This proof that the previous diagnose was wrong has rejoiced me. However, I don’t want to glorify it; someday I will get menopause (once again) sooner or later 😁.
with all that i’ve gone through, how can i deny this?
The most important thing is that my brain tumor has shrunk significantly. No daily headache. No daily discomfort. No uncertain anxiety. No vague expectation anymore.
I accept me. I accept my life.
2019 is a year when this human being stood up again in humble stance on life and clear sight about hers. The 10-year bitterness has turned to be a sweet memory.
Thanks for the journey, Beloved.
You
This journey is a quiet seating with
You.
Whether you get stuck or flow or flood, I won't leave
You but
I leave it to
You
Wholeheartedly.
this is me surrendering to
You
take me in your love gently like a breeze in a warm day
Dear River
Dear, River.
Flow
Freely
If you don't want me.
We'll see
Each other
In the sea.
sometimes i am not part of a flow and i am ok…. i will flow with myself beautifully to
You in the sea
Smells Like Spring
My day smells like spring
Not because others give me hope
Not because others praise me high
Not because others lay red carpet for me--
No.
My day smells like spring
Because my senses work through
Your grace
Because my steps walk through
Your bliss
Because my breaths respire through
Your joy--
Yes.
this is not a popular composition but it sounds heaven to my hearing
life is light and smooth when we love wholeheartedly and playfully
i love you…. 💕
You, Too? Or Just Me?
I
Don't know you
But know you.
You fly with the cotton candy
Around me in the sky.
You dive with the schools of fish
Next to me in the water.
You grow with the root
Beside me in the earth.
You are everything around me.
You run with me when I walk.
You swim with me when I play in the water.
You soar with me when I fly.
You are with me everytime.
You breathe with me.
You throb with me.
You vibe with me.
You are everywhere with me.
Everyone might question me
"How dare you!"
Every one will do to me.
I
Know you
But don't know you.
Only time will tell
If your signs are true
Or false.
Only time will tell
When we shake our hands
And say hi.
Only time will tell
If I know you
Or know not.
maybe it is just me living in my dream, and you are the unreached reality
💕
Witness
Witness, Beloved,
Beholds the flow, stuck and stream
Of a river. Quiet--
quietly sitting by a flowing river
Favourite Episode
I love, Beloved,
When laughter's mixture of joy
And hidden strike back.
i love this episode especially when the challenge to eat avocado seed happened
enjoy 🤣
Love Bond
Love bond, Beloved
By blood or vow is all gift
Embraced and nurtured.
me with my aunt on Oct 27
i paid a homage to my father’s sister in law, my beloved aunt
we call her Budhe Didi, a 90-year-old Javanese woman who is now the oldest elder from my father’s family line; my mother is the other one (80 years old)
she was very happy seeing me and said “send my best regard to your mother, please bring her here to me, i miss her so much, please finish your home soon so i can meet her in your house warming…. bla bla bla”
i could only say “please bless me”
she also reminded me to keep the bond among cousins, nieces and nephews even when all elders (someday) rest in peace
aja sampek kepaten obor (never lose our family bond); it is not an easy job in modern era but i think it is the right way
thank you
❣️
Rendezvous and Rare Chat (ranting)
I went out for dinner at the last night stay in Hanoi with some old friends (all auditors I met before I joined this company) and our conversation like always went astray, this time to Q&A about why some of us are singles after 40.
Among 11 of us going, 4 are singles and only I am open to marriage, the other 3 just want to have temporary partnership or commitment without marriage. And so I became the center of discussion; curiosity at its highest season. 😁
Friend (F): At your age, you still want marriage?!!!
Me (M): Yes. That’s the only committed romance I want when a man approaches me. I don’t need a long dating before marriage either.
F: But you’re a romantic type who will need sparks to bloom first before marriage.
M: I will not let a man approach me if I don’t have a spark. Or, if I sense he is just playing around, I will buy strong eraser to erase my sparks immediately. I don’t want to be broken hearted again. The rule is no sh*t, no one between us.
F: So rigid! Put some fun!
M: Marriage is a commitment so I need to make it true and real from the start with some fun. The full fun can wait and it is forever. Am I right, hey married friends? (Most of them agreed; a few of them complained about the boredom of being with only one partner.)
a heavily-romantic song from Sal Priadi that might depict a definition of romance to me 😁
F: I wonder what kind of man you are attracted to.
M: No particular.
F: Must be Muslim?
M: No. I stopped talking about religion since forever. A man with religion is not a guarantee, based on my long observation.
F: Handsome?
M: As long as someone is a man, I can call him handsome.
F: Rich?
M: Not necessarily but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have enough resource to take care of his family. I don’t want someone from a family that has tendency to overestimate its own and underestimate others. Socioeconomic charisma in society is never my criteria. My criteria is simply stable protection; I don’t look for high profile family.
F: So, what type do you want? Seems humble but you are actually picky!
M: Why are you irritated by my preference?
F: I mean you are 49, don’t you think you need to simplify your criteria?
M: I have done it and I only have 5 main criteria.
F: Name them, lady.
It was funny that I felt life became so roomy when I was able to tell who I am to other human beings without forcing.
M: 1. Sexually straight — I respect LGBTQ++ but I don’t want to be in a romance with them. 2. Not abusive verbally, paychologically and especially physically — abuse is never good, 3. Loyal to me then his and my families — 4. Independent including in making decision for himself and later him and me, 4. Responsibly hardworking.
F: Why hardworking? Smart working no?
M: I don’t know what smart working is, maybe it is just another tyoe of hard working. I saw my father, a hardworking man who took care of his family to the best he could. He might not have been able to make us super rich family but he never gave up. He was a responsible man by being hardworking. We are respected because my father had dignity in his life. No lazy man is welcomed.
F: I am lazy at the weekends, Rike.
M: And you are seriously married. A good combination to a no.
There were other questions but not shareable here. Too private and personal 😎
F: Do you feel lonely?
M: I am not except in a long biz trip like this. Hotel room never feels home after one week for me. When I am home, I never ever feel lonely; I love staying home with or without company.
F: I pray for you.
M: For what?
F: To marry your true love.
M: Thank you! (Funny to accept the prayer from the atheists; so officially that day I started believing that all human beings believe in a power beyond life, some just don’t find the right concept they can accept.)
We enjoyed the chicken claws that tasted much more delicious that evening because of our conversation. Laughter and beer (for me no beer) made the short rendezvous worth goldbars. Then we travelers walked back to our hotels and residents drove back home.
I love my friends! They don’t judge my choice how much ever different it could be.
Be happy, dear friends. See you in our next rendezvous!
to my true love, i am saying hi to you before you arrive,
but if you don’t, do believe that i’m ok with or without you
💕
When
When I feel helpless,
I will recite
Your loveliest verses
And send them as gifts
To those closest to my heart, whose life
Is a dedication to parents with
Love equivalent as what they received at childhood.
I am here, now
And lucky
So I shall share love
How subtle it has been.
Dear, Beloved.
Please accept my hollow heart for
You to fill with love,
And love only
How hard it has been.
i wish my ripples are of love and love only
Nature of A Destroyer
What will the sun do?
Bring fresh life
Then maybe
Erase the life dry.
Is it nature of a destroyer?
No, Beloved.
It is a nature of paradox:
Sun refreshes, sun dulls.
Love rekindles, love terminates.
i saw this water lily blooming happily under the sun then the following week was swept by the scorching sun that gulped all water in its environment; i thought the sun destroyed the flower but actually pushing the cycle to proceed — paradoxical life
what a relief
💕
Light At Night
There's serenity
Under the dim light at night.
About I miss you--
dim light decorating night
Flow
Flow, Beloved
To where love brings
You.
There was a steep rock,
You fell again.
This time it might take longer
To flow calm.
Believe there won't be time dilation
And journey will be just fine.
nothing, it’s just a flowing river enjoying her journey
🤍
A Big Wave
This pool is too calm
A dust can cause a big wave.
Chaotic minutes--
sometimes i behave too strongly at work and don’t want to bring the strength to my personal life
unlike in professional life, in personal life i don’t use complex strategies for my plan and goal, i just do things with kindness with a bit of control to protect myself from being cheated
life might be called chains of transaction but in personal life my trade is trade of kindness, i lend and give with kindness without expecting to be repaid — or else, i will not lend or give; i was cheated a lot but i learnt my lesson yet still the only strategy (if i am forced to admit that i am having strategy) is avoidance strategy — again in personal life
consequently i will feel scared or overwhelmed with someone (that i deal in personal life) showing or demonstrating emotion that i usually apply when negotiating at work: cold, no empathy, poker face, intimidating, arrogant, winning all games and the like
this early morning i experienced one and it affected my whole day — i felt like i wanted to curl; the only thing making me survive the day was that i was working and i needed to keep myself professionally composed
what a heavy day personally today, thanks God my colleagues and business counterparts didn’t pay much attention to my expression except one person asking “today you must be tired walking almost 4 hours, you look pale”
there must be a lesson i need to learn in my personal life
💗
Size of Life
What size of life do I want?
Any size as long as
It is ordinary:
Where big is not too big,
Small is not too small,
It is just right.
I want an ordinary life
Where my closest know well enough
My love and kindness guards
Me against betrayal.
I want an ordinary life
Where the farthest know well enough
Their hatred and ignorance keeps
Them away from me.
I thank you, my ordinary life
You make blessings extraordinary.
today’s breakfast: a big bowl of konjac noodle soup with chicken breast + carrot + bonito flake, a medium bowl of fruit and a small bowl of rendang — all in the right size….
…. and chocolate, the ordinary that turns my life extraordinary
My Best
My best, Beloved,
Is now here staying with me.
The self loved by me
Never leaves, never betrays.
Born, living, will die with me--
pho-bo for last night’s dinner with extra ngogai leaves is still the best
my host gave me pho-bo on hotpot — not the best, yet pho never fails me in Vietnam
chicken pho with extra ngogai leaves — good but pho is best with beef
The Star
Are you the star I point with my finger?
Or are you the one that disappears in a blink of my eye?
Are you the star that will reappear tomorrow night?
Or are you the one that smiles at me then ghosts away?
You are still a star.
which one are you?
Humble Beauty
Humble beauty, love
Is found anywhere with eyes
Naked, no glasses.
i saw this
and this
and this
and this
i feel love is just everywhere incl in the wild grass and ordinary tree around me
thank you
Another Year
Happiest birthday
To my sacred woman,
Mother.
Please always give
Another year
Every year
For us to pay.
i used to have a difficult relationship with my mother, very difficult; whatever i did was just not acceptable — my choice was her rejection, always
one year to reconcile i asked her to go for major pilgrimage with me but she rejected saying that she was too weak to do (even i offerred the shortest period); but she agreed for a minor pilgrimage — it was to me a cauldron of patience test, and i think the same for her; but we both started to know what was the knot in the rope
i never knew how jealous a mother can be to a daughter who is close to her husband until that day when she said to me “your father loved you more than loved me” — i was very close to my father and now i knew why she wondered why; we both know and accept it now
starting that year our relationship was getting easier and easier until 2018 we were in the peak — i was in my third worst argument in my life with her (1st when i refused to marry a man chosen by her, 2nd when she disagreed with my romance that eventually ended)
since then we started to learn gradually that there was a big misconception about mother-daughter relationship
a mother who thinks that her daughter is a possession should let go; a daughter who wants total freedom should slow down — there shall be a middle way where balance is achieved
and it worked; our relationship is getting better and better — we get along very well, we are relaxed in treating each other
do i love it? yes, except that she will contact me every single day to ask me how i am 🤪
happy 80th birthday, Ibu; thank you for being my mother — hope we clean our karma in this life so when we meet again, everything is going smoothly 😘
i love you the way i do you
you know i will never let anyone hurt you
💗
Your Names
Can you hear my voice
Calling many names in pain?
They are all your names.
Take a sweet glance to this heart,
Can you see face that's not you?
Love, No Doubt
Love is a mountain.
Stands still?
It does but it moves too to balance the center of Mother Earth.
No doubt.
Gives much?
It does but it sweeps too to clean what does not belong to the era.
No doubt.
Saves water?
It does but it stops flowing water to respond to destroyed roots.
No doubt.
Does good?
It does but it harms too to protect the heart of life, love itself.
No doubt.
Embraces beauty?
It does but it embraces scars and wounds too to celebrate journey and age.
No doubt.
My love is a mountain.
No doubt.
Mount Merapi (also Candrageni), Yogyakarta – i so much miss home i cry
💗
All with Love
Life seems effortless
As it's flowing river
To the sea.
All with love--
all with love — today’s breakfast
Flying Dreams
I love my sweet dreams
Who have cheered me every nights
And then forgotten.
Dear dreams, travel find your home.
I'm here to see you smiling.
fly happily, let me enjoy my day, waiting for you to call me saying “i’m home”
This Heart
What twig, Beloved,
Gives this heart strength to hang in?
A twig full of love--
(from Pinterest)
rike jokanan 
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