Cracked (ranting)

Don’t crack under pressure. Maybe only “that watch” can do that; while most including human beings definitely crack under certain pressure like ceramics that can even break simply because of some delicate qualities that should crack to let some component of life lessons enter the inner realm of the pressurised persona.

I don’t mind cracking under certain pressure as long as life lessons can smoothly diffuse themselves into the liquid vortex within. Then as gold in kintsugi, they mend what’s cracked leaving golden map showing myself where to find a way of acceptance & letting go.

If I don’t crack, I will always look perfect with no guilt splashed, no criticism slashing, no confrontation exercising, no discussion & argument heated then calming, no accountability assessed. Looking perfect as a being accumulate some layers of avoidance to make mistakes, emotional exhaustion, failure of focused self reflection, forced compatibility even within self, self centernedness. Oh no! I prefer being an imperfect persona in front of many rather than being a looking perfect with so much burden within.

Being imperfect doesn’t mean I’m bad. It just shows me that I’m a human being and it’s fine to look ugly sometimes. As a human being I want to be vulnerable so I can be as playful as possible genuinely; so I can speak my truth with ease in a sweet way; so I can love other human being with no shame; so I can be as imperfect as nature wishes me to be outside my work (hallooow at work I need to be perfectly doing what I’m assigned for sure)!

If only I can directly tell some of human beings I know how perfect you’ve been looking and you need to stop being perfect, I’ll tell you wholeheartedly while assuring that you are free to be you the condition that you agree to heal together with no pretense and that you agree to be true to life.

Dear humans, you’re a ceramics not that watch that won’t crack under pressure. You deserve to be kintsugi decorated with golden map showing love where to flow.

Yes, I love to get answered as an answer is like lacquer reassembling cracked ceramics and yes I give myself answer because I deserve vulnerability, my own vulnerability; truth, my own truth; honesty, my own honesty– with love and respect.

Yes and I’ll let my heart crack again with better understanding and acceptance why it should crack then let life apply kintsugi on me.

Life is just like that…. πŸ’™β˜ΊοΈπŸŒ»

this is me, imperfect & vulnerable as I’m kintsugi

☺️

kintsugi in a nutshell

Mandarin Duck

Mandarin duck swims
Through calm water to the edge
Welcoming the breeze.

my small work of art to be, “the lone swimmer, love bird of the east”

Light

Life is just like that. Like what?
Like whatever she perceives--
Be she fun,
Or gloomy--
Be she colourful,
Or dull--
Be she letting go,
Or attaching--
Be she alone,
Or together--

Life is just like
Her in whatever version
She wants her to be.

my life shall be as light as my heart can be

I’ll always unload things unnecessary to clutch on as those things will only make my steps drudge while I’d be glad prancing

only with love….

….and love only

whatever they say….

….how much ever they think

I’m light, moving light, to the light

☘️

A Funny Friend

A funny friend, Love
Funny. Here. There. Benefits.
Laugh at funny friend.

Life is funny.

There’s a story I witnessed with my own eyes where a friend supposed to connect two people happened to be the blocker.

Saying one thing about one in front of the other. That one is this. This one is that.

Getting this from one, getting that from the other. Harvesting from both sides.

One of them then left that one friend who was supposed to be a connector plus the other one who was supposed to be connected through the connector. Too many masks and one of them decided to quit until the all unnecessary masks fall off.

maybe the connector is also wearing too many masks to get many benefits from one and the other

😁

If one chance was blocked, it was still ok. If two three chances were blocked, it was good to try again. But when the ultimate chance was blocked, there was something unfair, or something wrong.

Life is funny. Life is just like that.

πŸ˜πŸ’™β˜˜οΈ

Some People Asked

Some people asked
Why I liked writing poems.
My answer was simple

Because that was the only way
I could tell my truth.

Then they told me to
Use naked words to tell the truth
To them then I did.

Those people asked again
Why I used naked words to tell the truth.
My answer was simple

Because you asked me to
Then they excluded me.

I'm writing poems now
And forever.

and with the poems I spray fragrance with which I decorate my truth so those particular people will get lost in their own mind that is so confusing like a maze

missing home…. sometimes human beings don’t need to rest from work, they just need to rest from drama

Eyes to Mind

What she needs, my love
A jar of coloured petals
That smile to her mind--

heliconia is always a nice welcome

or an orchid that’s bright

never a bottle of wine

just a cool towel and a cup of lemongrass tea next to a carnation

Sunset That Burns

It burns what has been packed
And ready to depart
From where a line between boundaries are drawn.

It burns with love.

It burns with life.

It burns forever,
An eternal flame.

it’s the 40th day of my mother’s passing today and we commemorate it through a Javanese traditional ceremony, assimilated with some Islamic tradition

one of the menu in the ceremony basket is “kacang cenggereng” (fried peanuts) which is not only a snack but also a symbol

it’s a symbol of respect to the one passing and hope that the passing is safely welcomed in the next life

yellow is a very suitable colour for my mother’s crossing day as it symbolises happiness

may she be happy to meet her Beloved

terima kasih, Ibu, please send my warm regard to my father

πŸ’›

yellow, Ibu πŸ˜πŸ’›

Happy Birthday, Ibu

Sweet heart, Beloved
Lingers so long, stays alive,
Connects what across.

My mother is supposed to be 81 years old if she’s alive physically. I’m sure she’s happy across, seeing I’m happy. I know she knows I miss her everyday– there is still empty seconds in the morning when I wake up seeing no WhatsApp message from her.

I’ll keep all about you in me forever, Ibu. Love ya much much❣️

Send my best regard to my father who probably is sitting with you all the time talking about you offspring.

Terima kasih, Ibu.

the last screenshot of our video call on Aug 16, 2025

even with just half of her teeth, she still is beautiful

πŸ’•

Imperfection (ranting)

I never expect a teacher to be perfect yet I never want a teacher (who claim her/himself) teacher to tak about what’s (s/he considers) not better than her/him. 

Yes, I’ve “ordained” that my primary teacher is one, that that I’ve listened to & read since I was a high schooler with big respect and trust because his life is well verified and he is consistent about what he’s fought for– those underprivileged in my beloved country. He’s been physically ill and unable to directly greet us. And that was probably one reason that I tried to find another teacher as there are bits and pieces that I might gain from a class with teacher rather than reading alone. Other than that I had one discussion group.

Yet I could not ordain this new teacher to be a primary. Not because he’s not intelligent or scientifically resourceful. He is very much; however, this honored person could not stop talking about other people that one thinks not better, not right, not exclusive, not right, not this, not that. I’ve been in every week and in every meeting there is always word to highlight how others outside are misled.

No, I can’t make this one a primary teacher. This one is as ordinary as others, as me– yet as he is very intelligent I still make this one source of bits and pieces.

No, I don’t hate this one. I just can’t accept fully because of the 60% quality that I can’t see in one. I don’t tell my friend by whom I was connected to this one. I appreciate her kindness and generosity for this connection; yet I’ve found her to be like this teacher: others outside are not right….

Life is so perfectly imperfect; and I’m a consistently imperfect student of life.

Thank you, dear Beloved for giving me extraordinary and ordinary teacher so I can see both perfection and imperfection in myself.

September was good. She showed me teacher who likes to underestimate others outside the class through humble words. She also sent me a friend who is so angelic that I felt uncomfortable to be near her.

Both look perfect in their own place. The teacher is regarded as very scientifically resourceful one– no deficiency of knowledge. The friend is regarded as an angelic one– no stain in her soul.

I’m a human being so I need a perfect teacher whose ethics is at least 50% of one’s quality; the other 50 is shared between knowledge and clear thinking. Because wisdom is not only what’s memorised by teacher but what’s becoming daily conduct as a role model.

I’m a human being so I need an imperfect friend whose flexibility is enough for us to laugh together. Because the rest is not about whether the gathering ia full of wise words or sacred knowledge, but how a friend is welcomed howsoever dirty and low the conduct is; otherwise we are not friends.

National Batik’s Day

Why we live and what for we live are different from one person to another, that’s normal. And its normality is cascaded to the next levels of why and what for of smaller aspects of life. In mine it’s including but not limited to why and what for I conserve batik as part of the Javanese culture, the culture in which I’m primarily raised and nurtured.

The word conserve might be too humongous for me personally; what I’m doing is simply preserving the batik that I’ve collected as part of adoration to how the batik has come to its existence. Yet if my preserving humble collection of all the batik from the simbah, budhe and mbak (how I address the batik artisans) can be defined as part of conservation in individual level, I’m glad and honored.

a piece of batik of a batik maker

I’m nobodyβ€” just a human being consistently putting meanings to life, even in her lowest point of life. Batik has been one tool that helps tap part of me to wake up, through its patterns and motifs. As I mentioned in one of my blogs earlier, Javanese is people of wisdom or people of culture or people of meaning. They insert lessons and meanings through symbols they expose to the world in this case through patterns and motifs of batik they’ve designed either the ones traditional or modern.

I did feel like loving batik as part of my culture. Yet from time to time I’ve contemplated whether I’m truly loving batik because of its being a culture value or culture element. Am I a Javanese, the people of symbols, the people of wisdom, the people of culture and meaning? Or, am I simply a human being who adores batik because of batik itself. And yes I’ve found reasons sentimentally pushing me to observe then love batik. They might sound more like excuses instead of reasons though, yet I love to claim them as genuine motivation for me to keep batik alive within.

batik Nitik

My mother’s mother was a mother who had to raise 4 children, send them all to schools (school was popular for high class society by then, for a widow like her sending children to schools was uniquely rare), my grandmother didn’t want her children to live poor like her.

My mother loved to tell us how she would go with her mother to the rice field to work in harvest time; and to go to her mother’s niece’s house where she would fetch white sheets of cotton to be made batik when rice field labor was rest before harvest time. Since then batik had been a sweet spot within me to always connect to a grandmother that I never meet. I’ve always felt a calm tone of honor (if not pride) to be the offspring of a tough dignified lady like her. Mother said her mother would make many batik patterns or motifs: kawung, parang, wahyu tumurun, cuwiri, yet mostly truntum. It might be 1st excuse why I fell in love with batik.

2nd excuse? I remember a pretty lady would visit my mother and offer some handmade batik. Her eyes were glowing when explaining the meaning or wisdom of the batik patterns and motifs, moving her fingers on the smooth fabric. I always wanted to be like her.

batik Kawung

Next…. 3rd excuse.

I was a student of batik class in Jakarta Textile Museum back then. Our batik teacher was a pretty lady named Mbak Ari. She liked to tease me because I would only make small patches of batik either with flower, bird or my favorite verses from the Quran humbly coloured. Yet I knew she liked me around as I would stay the longest in the museum every weekend while everyone else left; I would only go home when she told me β€œClosing time….”. Yes, I trained myself to face my patience through full day of batik making at that time.

One fine day Paras magazine came to cover news about batik to the museum, Mbak Ari requested me to be the batik maker model. Tada! My photo was in the magazine. What a shame! Yet I was happy to help. There was only one reason why I was appointed to be β€œthe model”: I was the only one female mature student that day, others were all young learners.

Another day I prepared batik sidomukti on a 2.5-meter primisima cotton, saying to Mbak Ari that I would someday wear the batik I made with my own hand on my wedding day. She said β€œToo long! You get married even before this poor batik is completed. Go soon!” Funny, I’ve never finished the batik and the drawn white sheet is even no where to find. Making another one?

batik Grompol

4th excuse.

I don’t buy expensive batik. Of all my collection the most expensive is SGD1000 per sheet. And I decided not to buy that level anymore; max I’d take with no bargain is SGD200 per sheet for the price of batik, with additional tip I’ll specifically give to the primary batik makers who have done the primary patterns/motifs or do the most processes (note that one sheet of batik can be finished by a group of batik makers who will draw the patterns, put the wax on primary patterns/motifs, put the wax to form secondary patterns (isen-isen), colour the batik, clean the wax from the fabric to see the final colours– we can only know when we buy from direct source, otherwise, we can’t trace back such information and to me that makes the batik value just a anonymous work of art: beautiful but having no history of itself. (Someday I’d like to blog about “anonymous beauty in Javanese art especially batik).

I promised to myself that buying batik shall be only to the artisans in their places of origin, not to the high-class stores that hang price tags as high as gold can be. I want my collection to source from simbah or budhe or mbak who make batik to keep their kitchen and light on. Thank you, dear batik artisans.

Then what for are all the batik I’ve stacked in the cupboard? There is always discussion about what I’ll be doing with my batik. Selling them? Giving them away? Probably. Yet before it happens, I want to make myself a batik curator. Whoa! Curator?

It’s not the curator in the level of those curating collected items in museums. Being a curator, I’d love to curate the batik in my humble collection by studying whatever dots, lines, curves, nooks and colors then give additional meanings to the ones traditionally existing and culturally standardized. Personal meanings will hopefully glue batik even stronger on to my life. I wish to sit with some friends to spread batik sheets and study the wisdom together.

batik Parang Klithik

Seems like I love batik not really because of its being an element or value of Javanese culture. It is more about how batik personally sits on my soul. Taking culture as the primary aspect might not work to me; I might lose grip when I’m culturally crossed over.

Happy National Batik’s Day! (tomorrow, Oct 2)

Dear fellow Indonesians, let’s wear batik. You don’t have to wear handmade batik (drawn or stamped). You can wear machine stamped or printed ones as long as the batik is made in Indonesia. Please kindly note that we need to work hand in hand in this difficult situation to survive. Buy our neighbors’ products including but not limited to batik. 

Dear those cross cultures, if you read this; please google β€œbatik”, β€œhandmade batik”, β€œsogan batik”, β€œIndonesia batik”, β€œimogiri batik”, etc about batik. Who knows someday life will pull you all and me together in a spot where batik is the center of discussion? Heaven knows.

Note: Simbah: grandmother; Budhe: Aunty; Mbak: Older Sister

batik Gringsing Pisan Bali

Marble Cake

Marble cake, my Love
Calls me to sweeten my days
With sugar and scent.

marble cake is one favourite of mine; it’s sweet that never fails to make me smile anytime I bite from every slice of it

me is about meaning and my marble cake is not excluded

like marble, it’s layered of taste, chocolate, vanilla, butter, crisp, moist & fluf exactly like memories of my life that is always full of love

once my readers asked me love will bore you and stop you from singing; I said no as my love isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s skin, flesh, bones and marrow, it’s about muscle and about memories– the whole concept and its compliance altogether that will never fade away through known dimension

and love isn’t about someone else other than me, it’s about how layers of truth are formed with all the falling in love and broken heart in life, even the thinnest love & the slightest broken heart

have you ever seen an orchid shows its bud? that’s a thinnest falling in love

have you ever waited a taxi then suddenly the driver cancelled the order? that’s a slghtest broken heart

I’ve been falling in love to someone that’s so special: that’s a thickest love and losing someone that I’ve loved the most: that’s the biggest broken heart

and those in the middle, a lot

yes, my life is like marble and also marble cake, layered with tastes

and I never want to trade it with anything else

☘️

Love Daily

Love daily, my love
Chosen, cleaned, soaked, cooked and packed
To serve forever--

chicken biryani for lunch is like falling in love after broken hearted

πŸ’™β˜ΊοΈβ£οΈ

sprinkled friend onion on the layer rice & chicken

πŸ’•

boiling rice

marinating chicken in herbs + yogurt

another key to a nice biryani

fying onion

the herbs to boil the rice

basmati rice after 30′ soaked in water

Humming Heart (ranting)

She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--

If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?

The answer: humming❣️

Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁

Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.

Saturday is never boring with humming.

my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes

no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter

I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family

thank you❣️

time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me πŸ’•

Not Sung

Our language is language of the heart.
When it's not heard, it means
The thread is cut,
The line is off,
The connection is cut,
The songs are not sung
Anymore.
Thank you for this one year.

today’s conversation in the pantry is about rejection: without telling to whom & by whom, just possibility told tales by diners that met for just 30 minutes:

personal business project that’s not approved

library planned visit that’s postponed

afternoon tea invitation in Shangrilla that’s rejected

love that’s unrequited

story that’s not continued

all are one U-turn forced by life to meet the right direction

πŸ’•

Rooted

I'm busy rooting
As my roots is fueling
The tree ready to grow with branches, twigs, leaves, flowers then fruits
Before time calls me
To rest.
Now let's have some fun
With this very life
Of mine.

life is beautiful, consistently protects what’s growing to strengthen her own existence, loyally pushes what’s naturally reaching high & diving deep, cheerfully searches ways to vibe with those with the same vibes

the vibes that don’t drag what’s supposed to be forwarding or block what’s supposed to be improving

I deserve a book, not a chapter of one so I’m writing my own book called my life

true, harmonious, healthy & moving forward

πŸ₯°

The Load

The load, Beloved
So much she can give to you--
Whatever she keeps

RC Gorman’s work of art

the woman is guarding what she keeps in the terracotta jar silently sitting next to her like a soul that she lives with, that she fills with richness of life full of love & hope, that someday she will share with that patient enough to sit down with her silently & fun enough to enjoy life as it is

life is beautiful

β˜˜οΈπŸ’•

Terima Kasih

Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.

Terima kasih, Ibu.

what I can remember about you, Ibu πŸ₯°β£οΈ

maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu 😁❣️

Balance Is

What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--

Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.

balancing in any situation is what life is about

☘️

La Vie En Rose (1-Hour Version)

This song never seems old to me although I’m getting older everyday. It speaks to my heart as if telling me “never give up, love is what’s molding you & you know love prevails no matter what”.

to some this song brings romantic vibe; to me this song is loaded with strength & love at the same time – I can listen to this song repeatedly non stop until I fall asleep in a normal night while I’m writing or drawing or reading, now especially when imagining my mother’s face is my sweet moment after work

life is not always easy as it is not always tough to me yet sometimes life seems so fragile with social interaction that doesn’t go as expected; truly my mother’s passing has given me a new normal within me

then? life is like a pond to me, still when fish are sleeping and rippling when fish are dancing

if I am at my 50’s feels so much hollow in one part of my heart, I can’t imagine how children would feel & react when left by their mothers

dear Life, please truly let love prevail in the heart of those having little hope or little food so in the lowest point they still can feel loved within

amen

6666

On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666

At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter Ψ­ the initial of the word Ψ­Ψ¨Ω„ (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.

The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.

Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. πŸ₯°

No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).

For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. β€οΈβ€πŸ©Ή

Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. πŸ’•β˜˜οΈβ£οΈ

Face It

Sometimes something scary is something that we need to truly face. It’s a door that we must enter. It’s a book that we shall read. It’s a podcast that we’ve gotta listen to. It’s the very uncomfortable fact about what’s within that we need to unknot to fully see our own selves clearly and wholeheartedly.

I have friends, good friends, close friends and I know exactly what they like to talk about and what they don’t like to talk about. Some don’t like talking about money. Some don’t like talking about romance. Some don’t like talking about ancestor. Some don’t like talking at all, just making uh or oh in the conversation. And I like testing whiteout their knowing being tested.

I want to tap their mind that some things are disliked not because it’s not good, it’s simply because it’s not familiar.

Anyway after several times I will try anymore. What for? If they think it’s useless to talk about it with me, I might not be the right one to tap that part. If they think it’s useless to talk about it, it might not be the topic they need to learn or unlearn in this period of time.

Let the door open by itself. I feel enough to know the need; at the same time I come to a realisation that some people don’t need help to wake up, or some people don’t need to wake up that way.

😁

dear life, guide me to every door of mine, each of them is facing you — if all doors are open & what’s behind is shown to me, how beautiful the diamond of love you’ve given to me as I can see it from all facets of its cut

πŸ’•

He & I Might Be Wrong, But

As a Muslim I am grateful that someone prominent attested about Islam this way.

I’m not a religious one but I read the Qur’an and Sirah (history of Prophet Muhammad) with very little external guidance as I’ve lost some trust to the religion authority interpreting the teaching & causing distrust to the real teaching of the religion.

I might be wrong but I’m trying to seek what’s relevantly meaningful to my life from the content of the Qur’an and Sirah. And I pray that I’ve got the intelligence, integrity, ethics, humanity that’s wrapped as love.

Salam.

he might be wrong just like me but at least he is experiencing things from his own very hands to tell what it is

happy weekend, everyone

fyi, it said the videos are unavailable; not sure what WordPress is trying to do but both are about Joe Rogan attesting about Islam which (according to him) is totally against what have been described by the West

πŸ’•

Red Bird

Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.

it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically

it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly

thank you, ibu

β™₯️

Love Isn’t Faraway

I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.

my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays

Riding The Wind

Riding the wind, Love
Across the route Love chooses
On behalf of love--

wind is pushing her pedaling a journey to the heart of life