Equal, Beloved, Weighing process and result To find the unknown
Some Math teachers would be very particular about whether 6 is 3×2 (2+2+2) or 2×3 (3+3) in students’ homework. Conceptually mathematicians consider those two operations different. Yet to me as long as we find the solution, why catch a bullet and die?
Garden, Beloved, Where word playful finds its vibe; The world as it does—
It’s been either raining or working for the past two weeks and I haven’t gone biking or walking again. How I miss seeing the children play as if only game is there in life, adults jog or walk racing with the wind to get rid of fat, elderly chat as if only words can extend their life, lovers show affection as if the world belongs to them and others rent, the birds fly home chirping high tone thanking for today’s, mosquitoes start buzzing to hunt sugar, once in a while fish hop up to breath the raw air, dragonflies perch on the green grass without moving!
The wings, Beloved, Grown from fluid that fasts and sleeps; Perching butterfly—
I call it journey, you call it metamorphosis. I call it idea, you call it egg. I call it maturity, you call it a born chrysalis. I call it manifestation, you call it developed butterfly. I call it love, you call it commitment. I call it this, you call it that. We look one thing from different points of view and describe it with different disciplines. In fact we are talking about the same thing.
You see a butterfly perching on my shoulder, I see a messenger bringing me a love letter from my beloved telling me:
“Hello, my love. Relax. You are safe. I’m here with you.”
A name, Beloved, Sound of rustling, not the leaves; My mind sees leaves though.
After more than two years, we finally gathered here for a dinner that was misunderstood. Most of us thought it was Thai food seeing the name of the restaurant “Thai Village” but then we found it was Chinese food restaurant that has been here for more than 20 years.
It didn’t matter at all! Just no pork for me. And the talks and laugher did matter much more to all of us.
Oh, name…. You’re not my beloved but you can bring my beloved here. 💝
Woman, Beloved, Toughness in art of beauty— Eyes only see skin.
The word “soul” is “nafs” in Arabic, its gender is feminine. It gives me a strong hint that being born as a woman is never a coincidence to me. The feminine quality that is naturally attached to woman is the one grammatically (at least in one oldest language with meticulously accurate vocabulary to attribute meanings), culturally, spiritually attached to the soul too and it should be a good sign that it should not be difficult to sensitively connect to the spirituality rather than to physical (badaniyyun in Arabic) whose original gender is masculine.
Woman, qualifying herself with femininity means strengthening her natural gift and getting closer to the Soul through spirituality.
Weekend is almost over. Next week is physically and intellectually tough. Hope this shallow spirituality can strengthen me in some way.
Welcome, new week! I need to gift you a bucket of alfatihah to calm down. 💝
Witness, Beloved, Umbrella in rainy days, Locked door in dark nights—
Still celebrating my hair!
Not every woman likes growing long hair. I do love it. I did short hair in some period of time: senior high school when short hair gave privilege to be called “not too girl” and some recent years when busy days took away the hair time.
Now the long hair period has claimed its prime time back and ready to witness the joy shared by its owner.
A lady is walking to the lake. An empty clay jar sits on her waist. Her hair is hanging loose, Listening to love songs, waving to the sky.
Sitting, she looks down Saying hi to her reflection on and on. My hair, thanks for growing long And for listening to my love songs.
A lady is walking back to home. A clay jar full of water sits on her waist. Her hair is waving by the wind: Spreading patchouli fragrance, calming down the lane.
Walking, she looks forward Humming her best love songs. My hair, thanks for spreading good scent And making my life so fragrant. My hair, thanks for being silken And keeping this flame ardent. My hair, grow grow long. My hair, listen to these love songs. My hair, stay here Until home is welcoming me.
Each and every one deserves love and appreciation. Today I took longer time to scrutinise and caress my hair; this stubborn tough protein deserves love and appreciation, too.
A hymn for my hair is not too much, an extra love after shampoo to clean, conditioner to soften and sometimes hair dye to match the mood.
I’m lost, Beloved. This market keeps me busy. What time is it now?
One friend said to me that I might be lost. What she meant by lost is I’m not as good as she is at interpreting ultimate truth and looking less than I was before.
If that’s the definition of lost then I’ve been lost since decades. I’ve never been truly right — or found? 😁
There are patches of time in life when my honesty is tested within. Am I loyal to myself? Am I caring about my own wellbeing? Am I aware of to where I’m heading? Am I aware of what I’m doing? Am I aware of the configuration of individuals around me? And am I aware of what’s beyond all these (divine entity, higher power, gods, God, universe, life, whatever you call it)?
Each of those questions should be answered at least “more than half yes” —let’s put 80%— because “full yes” is impossible except for those with high intelligence (not about IQ, intelligence is the naturally-attached awareness of being a well-developed human being). And when my yes is below 80% that is when confusion will lead to another confusion to another confusion until there is one question answered at least more than half.
If loyalty to my self is only 40%, I will have to shop for 40-60% outside in order to achieve 80-100%. I will crave for validation from others offline and online. Lack of self trust and honest self reflection is my personal indicator. Virtually number of likes, followers, subscribers, comments in popularity-based social media have become both blessings and curse with which external validation is quantified and a group of people are willing to do anything literally anything to be popular. FYI, there will be an alternative social media highlighting both merit and popularity, symbolic.id hopefully can balance popularity with utilitarianism.
If I care less about my well-being, others will have to take care of me. If no one takes care of me, I can feel sick, messy, frustrated, helpless, lonely. There was a period of 10 years of abundance that I didn’t take care of myself and that was enough!
If I am not aware of to where I’m heading, I will just follow wherever my peer head to. Good peer improves integrity. What about if I’m not aware of what kind of peer I’m associated to. With bad companions, I might excessively drink, abusively drug, irresponsibly sex around can be up to extreme of commit crimes.
If I’m not aware of what I’m doing, I might hurt myself or even at the same time hurt others. Hurting is undoubtedly. Hurting doesn’t always come through bad intension, it can come through priority. So when I’m aware of a priority and I unintentionally hurt others, it is almost forgivable. It is truly forgivable when I’m doing it right or possibly with a style.
If I’m aware of the configuration of individuals around me, it will be more convenient to map out how I do what I want to do to, for and with whom. Priority, target and impact become triangulation to be balanced of. Human interaction is important, yet I don’t want to give up my dignity just to get along with random people only for fame or temporary pleasure. I’m not that young anymore, I don’t mind being fun but responsibly and crazy but gracefully. 💃🏽
And if I’m aware of what’s beyond all these, I would not fall too low because of despair or fly too high because of pride. There is always a perceived limit as consequence of awareness about this ultimate power; playing water gets wet, playing fire get burnt, my freedom is limited by other individuals’ boundary that I have to respect. This is where many people think I’m totally lost when I’m lost; they think I lose control and/or give up humbleness. Nope! In fact I’m always aware that there is a limit that I can’t even accurately prescribe and perceive in life. I can only plan, not decide the outcome. In this section I have 100% yes, just sometimes feel jealous why this power never gives me full control.
So am I lost? Let people think the way they do. I just have to be alert when ALL or MOST of those questions have lower yes answer because that’s when I’m not sufficiently developed as a human being, I’m not enough self-well-defined.
When “lost” or more suitably “wandering”, I’ll spend some time to sit down in the middle of crowded mind doing nothing saying nothing just observing what all those birds and monkeys are doing; while breathing counting the time….
I love being me with dreams and wishes that might not all come true because of limit that can suddenly emerge. Yeah! You higher power that always meddles in my affairs. ☺️ Please always side with me. 💝
Ahhhh what is this? A long ranting after getting teased of “lost to be found”.
A dream, Beloved, A bloom of sleep or a sign? Each has drawn a smile.
Sometimes a dream brings me to an immediate mood of contacting a friend. Last night I dreamt of someone who has set a strong boundary against me. I dreamt of this person surrounded guarded almost like being swarmed by many tough guys and beautiful ladies; becoming the top of all! Waking up this morning, I decided to text this person who has blocked me in WhatsApp (of course I made mistake as the reason) and summarised my dream— what I didn’t tell was that those guys and ladies in my dream rigorously chased me away. And as expected of course no reply; maybe another anger and frustration against this ridiculous me 🙃
Then I prayed that this friend is enjoying the best time of life; which must be happening now.
I’m still smiling remembering the dream. How could it be such dream? Scary yet entertaining! I must have been traveling to a multiverse! Maybe it was a sign about a raising boundary; or simply because I was too tired!
The sky, Beloved, Layers of defined arches Limiting a range—
Have you ever thought about limit?
What is limit? Who/what has limit? Who/what has no limit? Which is the limit? How to set a limit? Questions that have haunted me for almost all my life! I tried to formulate the answers for almost 20 years and yesterday —just yesterday— a convincing answer reached me like a tap on my shoulders. One of the answer is that with this limitation I can do something that the one with no limit can’t. 💝
This hopefully be a breakthrough in my life.
I’ll rant about the mind blowing answers from a young scholar. Not today; someday when I find the most suitable dictions.