Doubt and trust, my love, Between which I wait for you To sing a love song.
While knowing makes me clearly decide what to do, believing keeps me walking even when it’s pitch black or blinding bright.
Believing is not about taking something with evidences. Believing is taking things for granted as there is no choice while I should keep on. As long as evidence is not yet well presented, it’s believing, not knowing.
What do I believe most in life? That there is only one able to help me, the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love, you. Yet I’m shaken now & then by what’s called doubt. Doubt moves the graphic of trust up & down which is normal as said by a master “the faith is up & down”.
In uncertainty, do I still believe of salvation? Yes, I believe in salvation as I don’t know if it is happening or not. At the same time I make space for doubt so I’m humanely questioning myself whether I’m doing well in clarifying the ways. There’s something I miss when in doubt & the space in which I miss always gives me hope, a feel of falling in love with something that I believe will drop wisdom to the heart.
How beautiful the collaboration of belief & doubt is! It ignites love. Love is an eternal flame that sparkles dancing depending on how trust & doubt tango. Without the existence of both, love will look like a marble slab: cold, hard, mute; while a flame: warm, soft, dynamic.
I know in order to keep love & wisdom rekindling as long as I live, I’ve got to believe in the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love or you that sometimes resides so deep in Him or Me.
What a rant!
at that age (below 30) I believed that all were good with lil doubt and as a result I was cheated, lied to but at the same time I gained kindness, endurance and silence
now? kindness, carefree, clarity as these 3 are most needed to live a human being’s life lightly and genuinely
If and if, dear love The silence breaks, I will fly With true adventure.
if I am to choose an animal to be my daemon, I’ll always choose a cat
I don’t know why; I used to live with a cat in my small home in Indonesia before moving to Singapore, as my job was 75% traveling, I could not bring Bob with me and so my mother took care of him — one year later, he died
I still want a cat some day 💕
if I am to choose what animal I’m to be, it would not be a cat though
maybe dolphin so I can live in the depth of water while playfully jump to the air
me with a plastic of water — when I was a girl, I loved playing with water so much; almost everyday I put water in a plastic bag and pinched the surface so the plastic became spiky
Eyes closed, Beloved Blind her for love far away. Tell her to go home.
today I’m called to go back home to my own heart full of love — love is blind taking me too far away from where I should be
I always think love is beautiful even when it’s so preoccupied with one object so alien for me, that way love lovingly and softly wakes me up after some time “Rike, time to go home, this might be someone else’s place, not yours”
with unsteady steps I had to accept that all the info is confirmed that I need to go home
to where I should be:
my dear heart full of love singing truly about who I am and who will be my home outside my own home
let me take care of this loving heart and calmly step on the love path, truly, genuinely, naturally….
keep singing love, dear self; there is nothing more beautiful than being natural, genuine, kind and true
I read Vex King’s “No One Taught Us About Love”. With 302 pages it didn’t feel heavy, yet did give me a lot of space to contemplate.
There are five parts of this book.
Part 1: The Nature of Love
Part 2: First Connections
Part 3: Cultivating Healthy Bonds
Part 4: The Realities of Relationships
Part 5: Letting Go with Grace
I enjoyed reading this book because aside that the main topic is love, it felt like reviewing my own perspectives of love. For perspectives aligned, I feel the author’s vibe; those not aligned, so far I don’t plan to make alignment with his. I always sprinkle a pinch of criticality when reading or listening to others; like me, they’re not flawless. Or, at least his and my understanding of life and love depart from different backgrounds and interactions.
So much to share but here is some:
“Self-love isn’t selfish. When misused, self-love becomes an excuse to fulfil cravings and boost our self-image without considering how our actions might impact others and the world around us. For example…. like telling yourself ‘I’m worth it!’ As justification to buy the overpriced shoes you can’t actually afford when you really need new tyres for the car”. (aligned)
Be your partner’s cheerleaders (partiallyaligned, I will be loyal supporters but not cheerleaders who have to be acrobatic in public; it might be his diction is not my take; but I understand.)
Love isn’t transactional. (aligned but honestly I can feel drained if loving without reciprocity; transaction isn’t a taboo as long as it is wisely managed & not always about material things)
Enjoy the “hazy” voice of mine reading several paragaraphs for you. Not a native speaker: few words were mispronounced. 😁
I love you, Beloved. And, you don't have to love me. It's never a transaction That's tangible. Loves, even not repaid, Is energy That nurtures life growth Through silent rejection or Respectful reciprocity.
This heart, Beloved Lives a limited timeline. It can't wait too long.
I believe you can guess which one is today’s star: “sambel goreng kentang hati sapi” 💕
deep frying the Brastagi potato
heart that gives a kick!
the hardest work today after work
in Singapore it’s called “Indonesia potato”, in Indonesia we call in “Brastagi potato” aka “kentang Brastagi”; it won’t break when deep fried not like other types of Australian and American ones
Disclaimer: It is not a movie review. It is an impression told with a limited basis and personal preference.
This movie is about a man who is willingly taking the responsibility to raise 5 kids who are left by their parents (a couple passing away, the other couple divorced) and 2 other irresponsible adults.
Moko (the 1 Kakak that means one older brother), an architect, decides to delay his dream of becoming a successful architect and his love life in order to ensure all the five kids (in short two nephews and 3 nieces) are well taken care of. When two adults joined the folk, the five kids turns to seven that makes “7 Ponakan” literally meaning “7 nephews and nieces”.
It is with happy ending although it seems that the family should work hard for bright future. The happy end is Moko reunites with the family with a clearer reconciliation of what to do to be a family and find the love (who is always her from the start).
A sandwich generation is what’s portrayed in the movie in which someone has to bear the family “burden” that is not supposed to be his. A younger brother takes care of his sister’s children plus another sister and her husband.
It is normal in Asian culture especially to middle to lower class society. Siblings finance other siblings for education. Aunts or uncle do like Moko. And so on.
The movie leaves me in awe on how a family is redefined, how the movie is produced (I don’t know though about cinematography so let’s skip it) and how the original story is composed with high complexity of sadness over sadness (this movie was a TV series back in 90’s, adapted from a story written by an Indonesian prominent author, Arswendo Atmowiloto).
As part of sandwich generation I consider this movie acts as a strong reminder that sandwich generation is an important part of a society.
If proportioned to the productive age population in Indonesia of 206 million, an estimated 56 million people fall into the sandwich generation category. In terms of age, the Indonesian sandwich generation is spread across all generations, from generation Z, Y, X, to baby boomers. (Kompas.id)
I like processing data to some extent but about this movie I am more interested in how to perceive sandwich generation from personal point of view rather than from socioeconomic that might complicate my opinions.
Back then I was angry knowing I was part of those needing to take the “burden” but then I learnt that life has chosen me to take the burden as a responsibility with many good reasons. Although I’m born into an economically decent family, life is so dynamic twisting the plot and tada! I’m a sandwich generation.
Although I feel bad about some people who has to be sandwich generation when they themselves in unfortunate situation like Moko; I still think those economically decent should have some sort heart to willingly help those needing genuine assistance.
Sandwich generation is not only tested with the responsibility itself (many stories tell about how they struggle with debts and uncertain future) but also with the way the support is responded. Some are thankful to supporter (sandwich generation) but others feel more need to enjoy success leaving the past untouched. I found that their being thankless is not a bad thing spiritually for the supporter, it is a good thing for the sandwich generation to train how to value their own self regardless. Is it easy? No! Yet life is to purify human beings’ intention to be decently kind. Please excuse me if I’m called “so pathetic and irresponsible” for saying so; however, when that’s the only choice, are you going to run away?
How did I watch the movie? I cried and laughed in almost 130 minutes of the show, while my friend slept (she was not interested in the movie, just wanted to hang out with me that very day).
There are some quotes I love the most from this movie.
There is nothing called debt in our own home. There is nothing called “fighting alone”.
As human beings who love, let’s fight for one another.
No matter how kind you are, you won’t be able to help everyone.
The soundtrack songs also all my favourite from Sal Priadi.
Kita Usahakan Rumah Itu
Besok Kita Pergi Makan
Mesra-mesraannya kecil-kecilan dulu
Just like Maurin (Moko’s love), I don’t continue being melancholic though as I am fully aware Moko (the sandwich generation in the family) also needs to ensure his own happiness. Moko just needs to know balance.He knows he can lead the family but he also needs to distribute responsibilities based on capability and accountability in the family.
To me the movie shows a learning journey on how to love, to trust each other, to share, to fight with integrity, and balance perspectives and emotion in different situations.
It is one best Indonesian movie that I recommend to all age groups and all socioeconomic status.
How I wish this movie and those involved be appreciated with many awards and prizes in high profile festivals.
I'm water, my love Living with the soil and air Burnt by this blue fire.
To me clarity is more important than belief. With belief I might grab in the dark, to some level of darkness I might be frantically euphoric or falling into abyss of confusion. With clarity I can appropriately choose what I need to do & when further blessed, to do it appropriately.
Clarity is gained through many ways, as many as the heart in life. I myself like to think I clarify myself about myself based on how 4 nature elements (water, air, soil & fire) purify themselves.
There are few ways to gain clarity/purity in each but I’d like to talk about one for each.
Water naturally flows to clean itself; flowing to filter what’s in through its movement against all odds (stones, holes, debris, etc). By filtering for clarity it means I need to pass by at the same time to let go a lot of things in life to be clear (& clean). Like river, I receive materials from various sources that possibly contain unnecessary or unfavourable matters & I need to choose which to stay & which to get rid of. Flowing is leaving some behind & taking necessary some ahead. I’ve let go a lot of memories & people.
Air circulates what’s in. By circulating for clarity it means I should not stop sharing. The more I share (material, knowledge, vibes, etc), the more I find clarity in life. Like air, this person needs to vent, too. I tell stories, write, rant, talk, argue, discuss to verify information accuracy.
Soil decomposes what’s in. It breaks things into minuscule or even atomic pieces & blend all in one environment. Like soil, I don’t mind dealing with rotten and/or damaged things (ideas, gossips, accusation, prejudice, etc). Sometimes I swallow the worst leftover. Rubbish can turn to gold! Is it possible artist here? (Not the artist in Bahasa Indonesia’s artis, it is the seniman)
Fire heats to purify itself. Like blue fire I sometimes feel of having the most life energy (oxygen) & the motivation (high temperature). I clarify by motivating myself & others. I often don’t need external voice to motivate myself. I can be rather stubborn against change: sometimes only my will can change my ways. Learning from own mistakes is good: getting burnt 😁
Clarification leaves waste (emotions) so I need to deal with it by treating them well.
Note:
I’m more water than fire. I’m more soil than than air. I’m more air than fire. I’m more water than soil. 😊
This idea is original but murky; might not work for you. Find your own way to be clear about yourself.
I've grown flowers and big trees In my heart. There's a pond with small fish playful and harmless; Water lilies and lotuses dancing and entertaining. You send breeze, she sings happily. You send rain, she drinks sufficiently. You send storm, she cries sadly. You send snow, she freezes deadly. Whatever you send, she feels blessed abundantly, so much loved.
This morning she said to me that If you send yourself, she'll live forever.
pond near the dining room in D’Omah Jogja — breakfast feels slow with the waiters’ giving us more time to choose the ala carte menu, and meaningful with the long waiting time that diners can have more time to calmly chat in the morning
Pernahkah kau diam Dari hari-harimu yang bising, Yang terus ambil kendali, Yang terus mau terdahulu, Yang melucuti pejalan sunyi, Yang membuat hati lain tenggelam, Yang mencabuti akar harapan, Yang mengeringkan daun semi, Yang perlahan dijauhi kelembutan diri?
Diamlah Sampai hening. Diamlah Sampai ramai pun jadi hening. Sehari tiada cukup. Seminggu terlalu pendek. Sebulan belum berarti. Setahun baru kau buka pintu terluar. Semuda usiamu, Setua leluhur terdahulumu.
Diam Hening
apa artinya waktumu tanpa hening? hanya bunyi tik-tik atau tik-tok — hanya suara dalam konteks tanpa makna yang benar-benar membangunkan dirimu sendiri
Life is just like that. It is round, square, triangle Seen from three angles.
Life is just like that. Like what? Like what I’ve never thought but I can handle it by letting go. I thank Gusti Allah for making me a human being so I can experience being human who lives as an ordinary person, maybe less than ordinary 🤐
It is everyday lessons come and go. Some challenging, some lighter. Some are leveled up or completed, in fact some are repeated. Repetition of lessons means that a human being fails to accept what is favourable to now here and to let go of what is not favourable for the soiritual journey to achieve clarity about being human. I’m one of this that’s why I learn from all of you. ☺️
As much as I want no repetition of mistakes though I will accept life as it is, still with kindness. Kindness to whom? To myself and to others although being kind to myself might be a delayed kindness to others — it doesn’t matter, it is just about time or perception.
Photo: Yes, I will always be seen half or less than half by those who see themselves partially: either good or evil, not even a sweet arrangement of those two.
Love loves, Beloved Love loved by a loved lover To be beloved.
Some of my friends have very strong concern about my love life and so they “take care of it” very seriously. They often check if I go dating, sign up the online dating apps, met anyone in the biz trips, if this, or that.
Normally all answers make them annoyed or laugh as I usually respond to them in light ways. Anything not giving me positive impacts or real things should not be part of a weighed consideration to deeply converse. Let go….
Recently life has given me various brain teasers in past weeks: so much forgetting daily personal things (collecting skincare, collecting my Dyson after repaired, lunch bag, ID badge, etc) and…. (drum rolls) friends checking my love life so often by tagging me in instastory that I mostly ignored, WhatsApping me with love-love questions, direct messaging me in Instagram about love-love things, and so on.
“Are you dating? You seem so radiant. I know your romantic words are for someone not for your Beloved. Tell me.” Said one of them.
Woohoo! Will never tell…. 🤪 None of anyone in the world should know whom I love until it is certain whom I will share life with. They can know I am in love and that’s it. If nothing happens, then it is a secret for the rest of this life. Age has taught me how to deal with safety, security, confidentiality and integrity.
One more friend tagged me in an instastory as if telling me to open my heart and blahblahblah….
Friends make my life fun! I love them with all my heart because I know they just want me to be happy.
Ahhh! I just want to sleep well welcoming Chinese New Year holiday.
Walking in the forest deep, she was stopped by questions in her dancing mind.
Who am I? I'm a living being Walking her path.
What is the path? There seems none. The path is becoming with her steps taken. An imaginary line drawn by hopes and fear, faith and science, clarity and mystery; two poles balancing distance and time--
Where is the path heading to? The path is heading to where the North Star is.
Where is the North Star? The North Star is a constant bright: that sits still to help find direction, that can be found in a clear unlit night above Mother Earth's magical belt, that loves wordless hymns.
It is lurking dark, but You are bright Showering my night. Don't set. Don't rise. Be there In the north So I can always call You My North Star.
Today I’ve been thinking a lot about who have been my true friends. There are a few and still in touch offline or online.
Not many indeed–
I’ve always been a Lone Ranger meeting the Tonto who is another Lone Ranger meeting the Tonto. My Tonto is my Lone Ranger and at the same time I am a Lone Ranger for a Tonto.
One characteristic that never misses my Tonto is they are trustworthy, knowing much about local wisdom, hard working, skillful in daily life and laughing beautifully.
We would never leave each other except space and/or time separates us. When I need help, my Tonto help me. When they need help, I would let myself willingly be a help.
About the movie most spectators think Lone Ranger is the only main character in the story, forgetting that Tonto definitely has a grand story of life just not exposed in a movie. In my story of life I’ve thought of being the Lone Ranger who is a main character in a story but I will never forget that Tonto is a primary character in their story and so I need to be their humble sidekicks as needed.
Today I am thinking a lot about who have been my true best friends. And I will always keep them as part of my growth– best part.
I’ve lost Tonto, too but still it was part of my growth.
Thank you, today for the serenity.
although I like the 2013’s movie, my true vibe of Lone Ranger and Tonto was way back to this Lone Ranger cartoon
Many days emit many emotions. They show off how well Life is capable of Playing human beings with different stories. She laughs. She cries. She reads. She writes. She sings. She hums. She does, even when she doesn't. All with all her loving heart; or when doing things, she fills her heart with love.
sometimes I cry, not always because of sadness, sometimes I do because I feel so much loved….
She's reading the books Lining up in a long rack. Scratching head and nose--
a corner that i like seeing but almost never pick the books from there – most of the books seem good but i prefer browsing around and picking those clicking with me
today i picked some to start my 2025’s reading challenge in goodreads.com
my Japanese is not getting better but reading about Japanese culture is still interesting to me
i followed the writer in Instagram two days ago and really want to see what his books are like
illustrated book is always interesting to me
am i into stoicism? not really but i see the book cover and pages are all glossy and that’s enough reason to read it
rike jokanan 
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