graphs of my Universe
This love, Beloved,
Is a pack of hope and fear
Sailing in the heart.
loving you is like playing swing: fun of my hope and fear, nervous of your anger and confidence
I’ve felt gaslighted but then you said you’re gaslighted; maybe I don’t know my value…. But I think it’s because you don’t care about anything
🙏🏼
A home, Beloved
The stove warms food and water,
The fridge cools the fruit--
I'm water, my love
Living with the soil and air
Burnt by this blue fire.
To me clarity is more important than belief. With belief I might grab in the dark, to some level of darkness I might be frantically euphoric or falling into abyss of confusion. With clarity I can appropriately choose what I need to do & when further blessed, to do it appropriately.
Clarity is gained through many ways, as many as the heart in life. I myself like to think I clarify myself about myself based on how 4 nature elements (water, air, soil & fire) purify themselves.
There are few ways to gain clarity/purity in each but I’d like to talk about one for each.
Water naturally flows to clean itself; flowing to filter what’s in through its movement against all odds (stones, holes, debris, etc). By filtering for clarity it means I need to pass by at the same time to let go a lot of things in life to be clear (& clean). Like river, I receive materials from various sources that possibly contain unnecessary or unfavourable matters & I need to choose which to stay & which to get rid of. Flowing is leaving some behind & taking necessary some ahead. I’ve let go a lot of memories & people.
Air circulates what’s in. By circulating for clarity it means I should not stop sharing. The more I share (material, knowledge, vibes, etc), the more I find clarity in life. Like air, this person needs to vent, too. I tell stories, write, rant, talk, argue, discuss to verify information accuracy.
Soil decomposes what’s in. It breaks things into minuscule or even atomic pieces & blend all in one environment. Like soil, I don’t mind dealing with rotten and/or damaged things (ideas, gossips, accusation, prejudice, etc). Sometimes I swallow the worst leftover. Rubbish can turn to gold! Is it possible artist here? (Not the artist in Bahasa Indonesia’s artis, it is the seniman)
Fire heats to purify itself. Like blue fire I sometimes feel of having the most life energy (oxygen) & the motivation (high temperature). I clarify by motivating myself & others. I often don’t need external voice to motivate myself. I can be rather stubborn against change: sometimes only my will can change my ways. Learning from own mistakes is good: getting burnt 😁
Clarification leaves waste (emotions) so I need to deal with it by treating them well.
Note:
I've grown flowers and big trees
In my heart.
There's a pond with small fish playful and harmless;
Water lilies and lotuses dancing and entertaining.
You send breeze, she sings happily.
You send rain, she drinks sufficiently.
You send storm, she cries sadly.
You send snow, she freezes deadly.
Whatever you send, she feels blessed abundantly, so much loved.
This morning she said to me that
If you send yourself, she'll live forever.
pond near the dining room in D’Omah Jogja — breakfast feels slow with the waiters’ giving us more time to choose the ala carte menu, and meaningful with the long waiting time that diners can have more time to calmly chat in the morning
Hopping frog plays in a corner
Trying to escape
From fear of missing out.
It doesn't know the corner is safe
Protecting it
From a busy mind.
a frog near the door of my home in D’Omah Jogja
One word, Beloved
Expressed to draw emotions
That flow out of cells--
trapped
torn
zigzagging
slipped
Pernahkah kau diam
Dari hari-harimu yang bising,
Yang terus ambil kendali,
Yang terus mau terdahulu,
Yang melucuti pejalan sunyi,
Yang membuat hati lain tenggelam,
Yang mencabuti akar harapan,
Yang mengeringkan daun semi,
Yang perlahan dijauhi kelembutan diri?
Diamlah
Sampai hening.
Diamlah
Sampai ramai pun jadi hening.
Sehari tiada cukup.
Seminggu terlalu pendek.
Sebulan belum berarti.
Setahun baru kau buka pintu terluar.
Semuda usiamu,
Setua leluhur terdahulumu.
Diam
Hening
apa artinya waktumu tanpa hening? hanya bunyi tik-tik atau tik-tok — hanya suara dalam konteks tanpa makna yang benar-benar membangunkan dirimu sendiri
❣️
Life is just like that.
It is round, square, triangle
Seen from three angles.
Life is just like that.
Like what?
Like what I’ve never thought but I can handle it by letting go.
I thank Gusti Allah for making me a human being so I can experience being human who lives as an ordinary person, maybe less than ordinary 🤐
It is everyday lessons come and go. Some challenging, some lighter. Some are leveled up or completed, in fact some are repeated. Repetition of lessons means that a human being fails to accept what is favourable to now here and to let go of what is not favourable for the soiritual journey to achieve clarity about being human. I’m one of this that’s why I learn from all of you. ☺️
As much as I want no repetition of mistakes though I will accept life as it is, still with kindness. Kindness to whom? To myself and to others although being kind to myself might be a delayed kindness to others — it doesn’t matter, it is just about time or perception.
Photo: Yes, I will always be seen half or less than half by those who see themselves partially: either good or evil, not even a sweet arrangement of those two.
Life is just like that. ☺️
In between if there is a gap,
It's to bridge,
Not to separate.
if you are between two, quit; said I to myself always 😊
Dream asked me
"Do you trust me?"
Why, said I.
"Please do, I need wings to fly."
I stared at her,
Wondering who her wings were.
She didn't say a word. She moved her chin
Toward me.
I am? Asked I, surprised and delighted.
It started drizzling,
Breeze caressed my face.
I soared.
I heard soft voice swirling up
To the sky,
Flying with her smile.
How painful it was for both of us!
One was waiting, the other was not realizing.
How lucky we were to wake up in one morning together.
And we are still having fun,
Sitting in a swing hanging on a giant tree,
Thanking to each other.
dreams are those balancing her constant walks
Love loves, Beloved
Love loved by a loved lover
To be beloved.
Some of my friends have very strong concern about my love life and so they “take care of it” very seriously. They often check if I go dating, sign up the online dating apps, met anyone in the biz trips, if this, or that.
Normally all answers make them annoyed or laugh as I usually respond to them in light ways. Anything not giving me positive impacts or real things should not be part of a weighed consideration to deeply converse. Let go….
Recently life has given me various brain teasers in past weeks: so much forgetting daily personal things (collecting skincare, collecting my Dyson after repaired, lunch bag, ID badge, etc) and…. (drum rolls) friends checking my love life so often by tagging me in instastory that I mostly ignored, WhatsApping me with love-love questions, direct messaging me in Instagram about love-love things, and so on.
“Are you dating? You seem so radiant. I know your romantic words are for someone not for your Beloved. Tell me.” Said one of them.
Woohoo! Will never tell…. 🤪 None of anyone in the world should know whom I love until it is certain whom I will share life with. They can know I am in love and that’s it. If nothing happens, then it is a secret for the rest of this life. Age has taught me how to deal with safety, security, confidentiality and integrity.
One more friend tagged me in an instastory as if telling me to open my heart and blahblahblah….
Friends make my life fun! I love them with all my heart because I know they just want me to be happy.
Ahhh! I just want to sleep well welcoming Chinese New Year holiday.
Many days emit many emotions.
They show off how well
Life is capable of
Playing human beings with different stories.
She laughs.
She cries.
She reads.
She writes.
She sings.
She hums.
She does, even when she doesn't.
All with all her loving heart; or when doing things, she fills her heart with love.
sometimes I cry, not always because of sadness, sometimes I do because I feel so much loved….
With love, Beloved
The breeze blows the flying leaves
To where sweetness waits.
bamboo shoots & corn in love
She's reading the books
Lining up in a long rack.
Scratching head and nose--
a corner that i like seeing but almost never pick the books from there – most of the books seem good but i prefer browsing around and picking those clicking with me
today i picked some to start my 2025’s reading challenge in goodreads.com
my Japanese is not getting better but reading about Japanese culture is still interesting to me
i followed the writer in Instagram two days ago and really want to see what his books are like
illustrated book is always interesting to me
am i into stoicism? not really but i see the book cover and pages are all glossy and that’s enough reason to read it
small and against the mainstream – read!
Splashed by clear water
And refreshed, she looks forward
To seeing the sun.
Opening the door,
She's welcomed by clear rain drops
Freshening the breath.
hibiscus
And the water flows
Down the curve earth to bring
Message of the heart.
flow
flow
You're so beautiful
Glowing among sailing clouds
Bringing memories.
beautiful as a pure heart
a small gift of i love you
my love to you is as much as the space among drizzles washing off my sadness
my love to you is as much as the pouring rain among the space giving me pure breeze
this weekend has welcomed me with sprinkling blessings like the rain in a desert
each day is a new day when sky opens wider horizon and shows me what i didn't see
do you feel the same?
the space among the rain
the pouring rain
the desert that celebrates
a horizon that keeps widening--
i love you.
thank you for making me smile a lot
💙
in life i learn to accept that love is sometimes not enough; it takes strategy to make things happen and i don’t want to strategize in love
i don’t want to force because i believe life has given me so much so if i don’t get what i want, it doesn’t mean a loss
that i have the ability to love as sincerely as possible is a huge blessing; that i don’t show it openly, it is to ensure everyone’s safety, dignity and comfort
flow, flow, flow
i love you, i love you, i love you
Less looks more daring
When this heart wishes to rest,
Avoiding dead end.
today’s dinner — less favourite noodle, the udon
The mangos that fly from across the sea,
The nectarines that stare at me,
The plums that hide among their fellow fresh,
The trio that will not stop fascinating me
Until I happily cry
To close the weekend.
Refreshing tears into
Fresh weekend--
what is fresher than a basket of fruit?
What do I have to write about
You today?
My pen doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a blinking tiny beacon afar, signing on and off. Hard to read."
What do I have to feel about
You today?
My heart doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a flickering will of wisps swaying weakly. Hard to follow."
What do I have to believe about
You today?
My mind doesn't want to continue explaining, she said "The poem should be a prose that will take so much time to complete. Hard to describe."
What do I have to accept about
You today?
My soul doesn't give any sign but smiling, she said "The power is not what you need. Only love suits your journey. If not love, let go. Hard to digest."
What do I have to let go about
You, Today?
My life doesn't want to stop laughing, she said "Laugh when gaslighted. Smile when gaslighted. Look when gaslighted. Never strike
back. Stay or walk away. Peacefully. Not as hard as thought or felt or believed or planned."
I stay in the same plane to keep walking with my love poems for you, Today.
life is an opera, the most illogical and grandest one at times
How long do you think I write one poem? Less than one minute up to as long as 20 minutes.
I never use AI. Never and probably will never except using AI is the only way for me to live.
My poem is always about what happens to me or at me. It is always about what I love or not love. Is it always about love? Yes, because the only relevant thing to life is love: it can be romantic love, platonic love, family love, friendship love, dedication to work, compassion, self love, love to Love.
I feel it so flowing when I write love poem, it takes me snap of fingers to make it happen. When I am stressed after some meeting, I will type a haiku. When I am in the aeroplane sleepless, I will usually write love poem in my small book. Writing poem is never a distraction, it is a motivation to get fresher and braver and to perform better.
One more thing: the depth of the poem not only depends on my mood and calmness but also the mood and calmness of the subject recited in the poem. It would be so much calmness when I write about my little brother; much bravery about my sister, much fun about my older brother. My early poems in 2008 up to 2012 is full with expression of depression, around 2014 to 2017’s is energizing energy, 2019’s is liberation and blessings to forward movement. And 2024’s poems feel a bit heavy with a feel of being played around but still flowing rather heavily on positivity.
I kind of enjoy the altered energy everytime the writing of poem involves different stories and objects; so much enlightening inside and giving energy to keep the faith in this silent journey within.
Specifically past 3 months I’ve felt big energy of gaslighting and game playing. I am just observing and doing best to evaluate whether it is what’s inside me projecting my own despair or reflecting a despair from outside me.
No matter what, love poem is still my preferrence.
Early morning letter to self
I have teachers in life.
Some make me cry.
Some make me speak.
Some make me walk.
Some make me hold.
Some make me laugh.
Some make me smile.
All make me sense.
All make me think.
One makes me love.
only you, love
making me a human being, not a plant, not an animal, not a geenie, not an angel
I'm not a prophet,
Not a saint. I'm a human
Accepting a lane.
if i am allowed to choose, i’d like to be in the lane of flower where colours, shapes and scents are with me
but this ability to smell nice fragrance in life is accompanied by the ability to smell bad odors
and so accepting the lane with its duality and paradox is the only way
This heart has been touched
By a breeze secretly blown
By the air of love.
i will keep learning, unlearning, relearning
life is beyond what eyes can see; even eyes can’t see what’s blocked by a sheet of paper
voice can be cancelled by a block on the ears
touch can be blocked by leather gloves
taste can be blocked by a no to appetite
but this heart will be wide open to inner journey whatever they think, whatever they say, whatever they do
Early morning after QS Arrahman
You can replace me
With another intelligence
Or beauty.
But I worry not,
I am myself a space
That doesn't need a place or
Replace.
If replacing me
Is saving
You,
Please feel free.
irreplaceable you are
How I love you?
Much
How much?
I can't tell you how much but I can tell you how.
My love is not commodity
That you transact about.
My love is not a content
That you measure up.
My love is a river
Flowing as long as you be the channel.
My love is a breeze
Blowing as long as you be the air.
My love is colours
Showing as long as you be the light.
Yet I know the love you wish
Is different.
You want me to be wood to burn,
Water to drink,
Bread to eat,
Game to play.
I feel delighted that you have such fun.
I am waiting for the wisdom to grow.
If the fun outgrows wisdom by the time we travel together, this love will wither before it blooms.
So that's how I love you and how much you need.
RC Gorman’s work of art
Their yellow petals
Look out to a Sunday rain
And whisper
"Dear, Sun. Our beauty decorates a home showered by rain, waiting for your ray. Don't hide too long."
sunflowers looking out to a rainy Sunday whispering to the hiding Sun
rike jokanan 
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