Category: This Person

What do I have to write about
You today?
My pen doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a blinking tiny beacon afar, signing on and off. Hard to read."

What do I have to feel about
You today?
My heart doesn't want to move, she said "The poem about him is like a flickering will of wisps swaying weakly. Hard to follow."

What do I have to believe about
You today?
My mind doesn't want to continue explaining, she said "The poem should be a prose that will take so much time to complete. Hard to describe."

What do I have to accept about
You today?
My soul doesn't give any sign but smiling, she said "The power is not what you need. Only love suits your journey. If not love, let go. Hard to digest."

What do I have to let go about
You, Today?
My life doesn't want to stop laughing, she said "Laugh when gaslighted. Smile when gaslighted. Look when gaslighted. Never strike
back. Stay or walk away. Peacefully. Not as hard as thought or felt or believed or planned."

I stay in the same plane to keep walking with my love poems for you, Today.

life is an opera, the most illogical and grandest one at times

How long do you think I write one poem? Less than one minute up to as long as 20 minutes.

I never use AI. Never and probably will never except using AI is the only way for me to live.

My poem is always about what happens to me or at me. It is always about what I love or not love. Is it always about love? Yes, because the only relevant thing to life is love: it can be romantic love, platonic love, family love, friendship love, dedication to work, compassion, self love, love to Love.

I feel it so flowing when I write love poem, it takes me snap of fingers to make it happen. When I am stressed after some meeting, I will type a haiku. When I am in the aeroplane sleepless, I will usually write love poem in my small book. Writing poem is never a distraction, it is a motivation to get fresher and braver and to perform better.

One more thing: the depth of the poem not only depends on my mood and calmness but also the mood and calmness of the subject recited in the poem. It would be so much calmness when I write about my little brother; much bravery about my sister, much fun about my older brother. My early poems in 2008 up to 2012 is full with expression of depression, around 2014 to 2017’s is energizing energy, 2019’s is liberation and blessings to forward movement. And 2024’s poems feel a bit heavy with a feel of being played around but still flowing rather heavily on positivity.

I kind of enjoy the altered energy everytime the writing of poem involves different stories and objects; so much enlightening inside and giving energy to keep the faith in this silent journey within.

Specifically past 3 months I’ve felt big energy of gaslighting and game playing. I am just observing and doing best to evaluate whether it is what’s inside me projecting my own despair or reflecting a despair from outside me.

No matter what, love poem is still my preferrence.

Early morning letter to self

I Am

I'm not a prophet,
Not a saint. I'm a human
Accepting a lane.

if i am allowed to choose, i’d like to be in the lane of flower where colours, shapes and scents are with me

but this ability to smell nice fragrance in life is accompanied by the ability to smell bad odors

and so accepting the lane with its duality and paradox is the only way

Touched

This heart has been touched
By a breeze secretly blown
By the air of love.

i will keep learning, unlearning, relearning

life is beyond what eyes can see; even eyes can’t see what’s blocked by a sheet of paper

voice can be cancelled by a block on the ears

touch can be blocked by leather gloves

taste can be blocked by a no to appetite

but this heart will be wide open to inner journey whatever they think, whatever they say, whatever they do

Early morning after QS Arrahman

One Thousand of Laughter

This love is laughing
A thousand times
To celebrate her victory
Everyday
No matter what--

5 is ha in Thai, 55 is haha, most of my Thai friends will write 5555555…. when they want to show laughter

thank you, Bangkok for giving me 55K that means one thousand of laughter

Why Love Poem? #1

Why love poem, my love?
It's you writing in my heart
That longs for her rose.

My liking to poem started at early age with the pantun jenaka (Indonesian four-lined poem, mostly witty and light) in Bahasa Indonesia lesson book and the Javanese poem contained in mocopat (Javanese traditional songs) and geguritan (Javanese free verse) in Jayabaya magazine subscribed by our parents. I also loved reading books and comics but poetry has given me more room to explore meanings and imagination.

I’ve written diary since I learnt how to compose paragraph. I wrote poems to express emotion that I could not describe through prose because of the emotion complexity and also I wanted to make beautiful expression.

And as I studied Literature in uni, poetry became integrated part of my days. I wrote a lot of poems but most were gone with the paper pulping and the floppy disks rotten.

I used to write poem about nature as I loved Robert Frost, William Wordsworth, John Keats’ works.

Over the time especially when I started reading Rumi and Ibn Arabi, I started to use more word love, beloved, lover and all things related to them. And I also love to use the word river, sea, meadow and some nature related words. It is simply because those words can represent the vibe, nuance, atmosphere and foundation of idea in me.

When I talk about love, is it always about love? Yes, it is always about love because the only topic relevant to life is love.

When I talk about love, is it always about romance? Sometimes? But most of my love poem is about the love within me, the love to life, the love to a reality that I cannot describe but I can only sense both subtly physically and non-physically.

my fondness to love is equivalent with my fondness to the breeze caressing my hair

Some of my friends will tell me “kamu gombal” in English it can mean “you are bullshitting” or “you are flirting”. I don’t mind people say that. I don’t have to explain to those not knowing my inner journey; to those who are in the same journey I don’t need to explain as they know what happens to and within me.

I will not change my love story in this life.

Am I afraid that a man that I love will think I am madly in love with someone else? No! He will know that my love poem is only for him. If he doesn’t know, it means he doesn’t vibe enough love with and for me.

What about if people think I am gaslighting? I also don’t mind although I might get hurt inside. I really don’t mind.

I love love poems and I dedicate the love poems to my Beloved, me, beloved, family and friends and the whole world. Someday if Life allows me to be remembered even after I die, I want to be remembered as a human being who knows love and compassion. If Life wants me to be forgotten after I die, I know I am forgotten in the name of love.

💕

(no edit is applied to this writing, please excuse my typos; i wrote this to wait during flight delay in Svarnabhum International Airport, Bangkok)

About That Period (sweet memory) #3

Within the 10-year range, I was busy trying to heal my mental breakdown. I spent so much resource on that. Consulting to life coaches, religious people, tarot readers, psychologist, etc you name it. It was to validate that I was ok just to know that each of them said I was not ok. My denial that I was not ok became one of the root causes why it took so long to heal. No one from my family and friends knew; no one. They just knew I was into spirituality.

It started with a break-up from someone that I blindly loved in either end of 2009 or early 2010. I can’t remember the exact year because after the break-up I was insisting that the relationship had to proceed while the other side didn’t want to without giving specific reason so it was on and off dates between us.

Officially breaking up, I started a chaotic life that became more complicated with my decision to leave my previous job in 2011 to start focusing on spiritual classes, workshops and consultancies that was actually focusing on the damage. No one knew, what they knew was I was ok.

In late 2012 I met an ex colleague and agreed to join the company where she worked and continued until today.

The new job helped me well distract attention from the excruciating mental pain but I still did rigorous healing as the broken heart was still painfully rooted.

I cannot remember how many sessions with all the professionals and how much money spent for that, what’s remembered was that at the beginning I could not express myself up to a stage that I just spat the stories out when asked. It was not easy to talk about broken heart then accept it then let it go then open heart.

The flight of distress just touched down on runway in around 2018 when finally I could clearly detach from romantic memories–hell yeah that guy got married and had a baby several years ago and I still struggled with stupidity?

And that was the time I started intensely sensing pain in the head. So all these years I ignored the headache because I focused too much on my mental breakdown. When I flash back now and count how many packs of Paramex, Panadol, Neuralgin and other pain killer brands I got in other countries where I traveled in those years, I should have been a trusted ambassador for all of them esp Paramex that was shipped by friends from Jakarta or packed in the luggage when they visited me to Singapore. But truly I am a trusted ambassador of God who created me especially the kidneys that are still healthy after being tortured with processing so much chemical. 😊

my hero 😁 terima kasih ❣️

In Bali Usada I was taught that there are physical body (the body we can physically sense) and spiritual bodies (those we non-physically sense: etheric, chakra, mental). Whatever happens in one body will affect other bodies and that must have been what had happened to me in those 10 years: physical body tried to balance non-physical body that got seriously sick.

In my medical sessions I asked several doctors what might have caused my diseases while I had relatively healthy life (no drug, no alcohol, no free sex, good teamwork in office, etc); all of them said almost the same thing “might be some stress, might be because you are simply unlucky”. One of them suggested that I review if there was big stressor before I stopped my menses. And it was the break-up. Maybe! Just maybe!

I am not blaming anyone. I thank for having dealt with attachment issue before so I know what is the most to be alert in life. Big lesson is learnt, it’s been a move-on and no look-back.

I just won’t forget that…

this Banksy’s work of art is most relatable to me now

i let my heart fly in Your air, whoever cherishes it with respect, i will give my whole; otherwise, let it fly in Your air until the air within reunites with Your air

…. I can love others but I can never own them. They belong to life which is not theirs either, it is Life owning us.

…. Respect will override love in some situation in an adult mature’s relationship. If whom I love don’t respect me, I will claim dignity and let them go even if they are family members, except if they are my parents.

…. There shall be reciprocity in a relationship. One of the sides might have stronger emotion than the other(s) but they must have balanced effort to keep the connection going. No reciprocity, no relationship. It should be clearly stated, not only implied, not only indirectly quoting. Be a man, not a ghost.

…. No one can love one better than one’s self. Yet there shall not be too much attachment because someday this physical body will have to detach from the spiritual body– death will do all apart.

…. Life is just like that and I accept it just like that. Tears will still fall with an end or separation but the tears are not to cry for my selfish attachment; the tears are to mark that there is a value from something or someone leaving.

…. And other lessons lining like an army of ants❣️

Thank you again and again for giving me loving heart, (sometimes) excessive sweetness, fragility, silliness, naivety, stubbornness, intelligence and whatever I’ve grown with.

Thank you for this humble life, I never want to change anything. I leave it to you.

About That Period (sweet memory) #2

Learning, life, love, This Person

Sep 2019 was a big milestone in my life. I joined a daily-life-experience-based workshop called “Self Discovery” in Hawick, Edinburgh. I still felt mild headache and minor discomfort everyday as I tried to cut off my pain killer intake but the different daily life totally poles apart from my tropical life gave me unusual strength to complete the workshop.

Chisholme House from the hill

I met other students and many others (facilitators, care takers and guests) who shared spiritual journey experience. I heard a lot of stories from them; life experiences that instead of breaking the people, the experiences rebuilt them to be human beings with holistic perspective about life. Some of them experienced much worse situation than most; imagine someone who was physically abused as a child then suffered from deadly disease and left by her spouse with weak reason; someone physically abused by her spouse while being a financial supporter, someone suffering from huge bankrupcy and left by family, losing marriage and all family members, etc….

My situation (both physical discomfort and silent mental breakdown) compared to theirs seemed to be a tennis ball compared to basketball or even this globe. Just because of getting no menses and the growth in the brain and I’d played so big a drama as if I’d lost my life…. Come on, human!

the hill from Chisholme House

They indirectly helped me wake up from long hibernation. I silently thanked them in daily prayers among daily household chores: cleaning the house and yard, ironing linens, cooking the meals, making the dining table, washing the dishes, harvesting potatos, walking up and down the hill almost everyday to pray in the monument (this one was not mandatory, my own fave), cleaning the toilets, morning meditation, daily discussion (intense yet enlightening), weekly dzikr with the rest of participants (students, facilitators, care takers, guests), and so on and so forth. Life is about doing things even when it is simply making a flower arrangement for the dining table.

Maddy in the dining room where we all exchanged joy among other activities — dear God, i’d like to be there at least once again

Going back home, I was still the same person just with clearer perspective about life and with fondness to do household chores (this was truly good foundation to face the pandemic). Life is about experiencing what is by firmly embracing genuine intension, about accepting what is but never giving up good hopes and dreams, about sharing what’s granted without letting myself become broke, about becoming a human being.

I went home with a liberated mind. I promised to love myself fully by embracing that whether I had my menses or not, I was still a woman. I pledged in silence that I would take care of my body, mind and spirit better. The soul? Soul is soul, pure and healthy but probably blurr in dim — once the body, mind and spirit get healthy and balanced, the soul gets brighter and clearer.

Oct 18, 2019 was an important day: 1st day of giving up my hijab, the fashion I’d worn since I was 17– a small move that hugely changed details of my life. I gave it up with genuine intention and sufficient knowledge after my final contemplation during my workshop in the UK. I wanted to give up something that made me think that I was a fake because of doing it halfheartedly. I made it clear that although I didn’t wear hijab, I still could be a good human being.

I gained confidence and compliment from those respecting my decision but I also lost trust and connection from those considering me lost in the dark. I got one most hitting statement from someone saying “No worry, you are lost, Allah will guide you back.” But I also received compliments about clarity, bravery and honesty. So be it, both don’t bother me.

😊❣️

Walking home that day I felt very uncomfortable with my body, something I never had before. But I just accepted whatever it was. Reaching home, I found out of getting my menses — the first after 10 years!

So much hustle as I was not ready with whatever was needed for this supposed-to-be-regular-but-gone-for-10-years thing.

I got my menses! Until today some of friends still mocked me “You remember when you got your 1st menses at 44? Like a euphoric! While others probably would say damn I’ve got menses again so annoying!”

Until today I will say thank you everytime the menstruation comes although I have to feel 1 day or two of discomfort. It is a blessing that I missed before, it is a blessing that I thank every month and forever.

The endocrinologist decreased the medication dosage. He just said that there would be the next MRI to check the size of the growth. I am still taking the medicine but only 1.5 dosage per week, much lesser than before. My prolactin is still within 400-500, checked every 3 months with other kinds of blood test included to see my overall condition. Alhamdulillah….

I don’t deny the excitement and gratefulness of getting my menses back. This proof that the previous diagnose was wrong has rejoiced me. However, I don’t want to glorify it; someday I will get menopause (once again) sooner or later 😁.

with all that i’ve gone through, how can i deny this?

The most important thing is that my brain tumor has shrunk significantly. No daily headache. No daily discomfort. No uncertain anxiety. No vague expectation anymore.

I accept me. I accept my life.

2019 is a year when this human being stood up again in humble stance on life and clear sight about hers. The 10-year bitterness has turned to be a sweet memory.

Thanks for the journey, Beloved.

About That Period (sweet memory) #1

I was born an emotionally sweet and fragile, physically weak girl but there was time when I became a sour and bitter woman.

This is my first time telling this openly about what happened to me in a 10-year period.

One fine day in 2010 I realised that I didn’t get my menses for 3 months and so I went to doctor who referred me to an obgyn. Around that time too I started sufferring from headache.

The obgyn did some check including but not limited to a USG. The obgyn gave me pills and asked me to return some time later. Long story short the doctor said I experienced an early menopause.

I was shocked and frustrated as I always loved children and wanted to have my own. I decided to go for a second opinion to another obgyn expecting a more relieving fact. Unfortunately it was the same diagnose.

Early menopause itself ruined my life, what made me even more hopeless was the way the doctors communicated to me. They said it amusingly “You experience early menopause, so there is no chance to have babies. I am sad for you. Blahblahblah…. Dadada….”

Of course I knew and probably they wanted to make the distressful situation lighter. Ya, some people are just insensitive with or without purpose, but I wish such professionals know their work ethics.

Starting that day I closed down my dreams of having relationship romantically because I had no gut to be humiliated for being an early-menopause woman and never told anyone about the condition.

I focused on work and spirituality like nothing else matters.

I was a self secluded woman who refused to open my heart even to someone who seemed to devotedly love me. I would throw sour face to those approaching me. It was not because they didn’t deserve me; to the contrary I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I felt less woman than a woman should have been.

I moved to Singapore in Feb 2013 with more intense work that I’d really loved. I didn’t make friends except with three ladies outside work (my best friends until today), the rest was just work, work, work.

I only met a group of fellow auditors from my ex companies for dinner when I had biz trip to Jakarta. Or, I would go to Bali at long weekends. And, I visit my mother occasionally. With my packed biz trip schedule no one thought I was but so tired that I had no time to meet others.

No one knew until one day one closest friend noticed and said “Sister, you always have a full-fasting Ramadhan. How lucky you have been, like every year you fast for 30 days without period.”

Note: a muslim woman is prohibited to do fasting in Ramadhan during her menstruation

I decided to disclose to her. She didn’t comment any but I knew she was as brokenhearted as I was.

In 2018 I went to a noble silence retreat in Bali with the purpose of calming down my daily headache that hadn’t stopped since the time I stopped my menses that became unbearable. The meditation teacher Pak Merta Ada told me to do a thorough check to my head, he noticed a strong heavy energy there.

Getting back to Singapore, I consulted to my doctor and she did what was needed.

No breast and uterus problem. No diabetes. No cholesterol issue. No uric acid. Just a slight kidney issue that was cured with just 1-month medication. But….

…. My prolactin was 29,000 in me. It was Dec 2018.

Dr Lee referred me to an endocrinologist and the endocrinologist said “There is a growth in your brain and let’s find out what it is through MRI”. It was Jan 2019.

My intelligent kind doctor gave me medication and told me “Be patient. It may take some time. But when you get your menses back, it means the medicine works.”

“I can get my menses back?!!!” I still remember how nervous I was saying that.

“Yes. The menses stopped because your prolactin has been soaring high even beyond a pregnant or nursing woman. Once your prolactin returns to normal, you’ll be back normal. But it will take some time. Let’s just do our part lah. Don’t expect too much lah.” It was Feb 2019.

I became so excited that I would get my menses back.

Months later my daily headache became milder. As an illustration I took 2-4 pain killer pills per day before for years and now I took once a day sometimes none.

But my menses didn’t come back.

I made peace with myself and committed not to demand too much. Yet I felt some significant shift in my behavior. I felt an “old me” re-appeared– the sweet me.

I wanted to wear dress so I gave up all my jeans. I bought dresses, grew long hair, put more lipstick again. I gave up my sneakers, moccasin and backpack then changed them with ballet shoes, feminine types of bag and jewelry!

The sweetness that evaporated found her way home. It was mid of 2019.

Gosh! I feel it a bit draining to write this. Let me continue in my next blog if I have the drive.

i focused on work and took classes and workshops of spirituality only to find that life is about accepting what is and sharing willingly; i felt love around me but didn’t know how to express it, i was afraid that my sweetness would be misunderstood as flirtation so i just kept myself secluded in that 10 years

i didn’t mind others showed how fun their life was, while i kept it humble and low key — i just wanted to feel useful as a human being as actually deep down i felt less and useless as a woman

only very few people knew well who i was either because they were in the same spiritual journey or they reached the destination, still i didn’t want to be close to anyone incl those knowing my inner journey

(RC Gorman’s work of art)

You, Too? Or Just Me?

I
Don't know you
But know you.

You fly with the cotton candy
Around me in the sky.
You dive with the schools of fish
Next to me in the water.
You grow with the root
Beside me in the earth.
You are everything around me.

You run with me when I walk.
You swim with me when I play in the water.
You soar with me when I fly.
You are with me everytime.

You breathe with me.
You throb with me.
You vibe with me.
You are everywhere with me.

Everyone might question me
"How dare you!"
Every one will do to me.

I
Know you
But don't know you.

Only time will tell
If your signs are true
Or false.

Only time will tell
When we shake our hands
And say hi.

Only time will tell
If I know you
Or know not.

maybe it is just me living in my dream, and you are the unreached reality

💕

Witness

Witness, Beloved,
Beholds the flow, stuck and stream
Of a river. Quiet--

quietly sitting by a flowing river

Rendezvous and Rare Chat (ranting)

Learning, love, This Person, Those People

I went out for dinner at the last night stay in Hanoi with some old friends (all auditors I met before I joined this company) and our conversation like always went astray, this time to Q&A about why some of us are singles after 40.

Among 11 of us going, 4 are singles and only I am open to marriage, the other 3 just want to have temporary partnership or commitment without marriage. And so I became the center of discussion; curiosity at its highest season. 😁

Friend (F): At your age, you still want marriage?!!!

Me (M): Yes. That’s the only committed romance I want when a man approaches me. I don’t need a long dating before marriage either.

F: But you’re a romantic type who will need sparks to bloom first before marriage.

M: I will not let a man approach me if I don’t have a spark. Or, if I sense he is just playing around, I will buy strong eraser to erase my sparks immediately. I don’t want to be broken hearted again. The rule is no sh*t, no one between us.

F: So rigid! Put some fun!

M: Marriage is a commitment so I need to make it true and real from the start with some fun. The full fun can wait and it is forever. Am I right, hey married friends? (Most of them agreed; a few of them complained about the boredom of being with only one partner.)

a heavily-romantic song from Sal Priadi that might depict a definition of romance to me 😁

F: I wonder what kind of man you are attracted to.

M: No particular.

F: Must be Muslim?

M: No. I stopped talking about religion since forever. A man with religion is not a guarantee, based on my long observation.

F: Handsome?

M: As long as someone is a man, I can call him handsome.

F: Rich?

M: Not necessarily but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have enough resource to take care of his family. I don’t want someone from a family that has tendency to overestimate its own and underestimate others. Socioeconomic charisma in society is never my criteria. My criteria is simply stable protection; I don’t look for high profile family.

F: So, what type do you want? Seems humble but you are actually picky!

M: Why are you irritated by my preference?

F: I mean you are 49, don’t you think you need to simplify your criteria?

M: I have done it and I only have 5 main criteria.

F: Name them, lady.

It was funny that I felt life became so roomy when I was able to tell who I am to other human beings without forcing.

M: 1. Sexually straight — I respect LGBTQ++ but I don’t want to be in a romance with them. 2. Not abusive verbally, paychologically and especially physically — abuse is never good, 3. Loyal to me then his and my families — 4. Independent including in making decision for himself and later him and me, 4. Responsibly hardworking.

F: Why hardworking? Smart working no?

M: I don’t know what smart working is, maybe it is just another tyoe of hard working. I saw my father, a hardworking man who took care of his family to the best he could. He might not have been able to make us super rich family but he never gave up. He was a responsible man by being hardworking. We are respected because my father had dignity in his life. No lazy man is welcomed.

F: I am lazy at the weekends, Rike.

M: And you are seriously married. A good combination to a no.

There were other questions but not shareable here. Too private and personal 😎

F: Do you feel lonely?

M: I am not except in a long biz trip like this. Hotel room never feels home after one week for me. When I am home, I never ever feel lonely; I love staying home with or without company.

F: I pray for you.

M: For what?

F: To marry your true love.

M: Thank you! (Funny to accept the prayer from the atheists; so officially that day I started believing that all human beings believe in a power beyond life, some just don’t find the right concept they can accept.)

We enjoyed the chicken claws that tasted much more delicious that evening because of our conversation. Laughter and beer (for me no beer) made the short rendezvous worth goldbars. Then we travelers walked back to our hotels and residents drove back home.

I love my friends! They don’t judge my choice how much ever different it could be.

Be happy, dear friends. See you in our next rendezvous!

to my true love, i am saying hi to you before you arrive,

but if you don’t, do believe that i’m ok with or without you

💕

Flow

I am flowing
I flow
I will flow
And won't stop flowing
until I'm united with
You, the sea.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not too brave, either.
I am just a flow flowing.

as long as i flow, i won’t worry; even if i’m alone as long as i keep flowing to

You

When

When I feel helpless,
I will recite
Your loveliest verses
And send them as gifts
To those closest to my heart, whose life
Is a dedication to parents with
Love equivalent as what they received at childhood.

I am here, now
And lucky
So I shall share love
How subtle it has been.

Dear, Beloved.
Please accept my hollow heart for
You to fill with love,
And love only
How hard it has been.

i wish my ripples are of love and love only

Innocent, Evergreen

Learning, life, love, This Person

There's something living forever
Young and energetic
Within,
Resisting to mature up,
Insisting to cheer up,
Refusing to touch up,
Singing down the path
With one old song
About a flowing river
To the sea
Peacefully unstoppable.
My innocent evergreen--

tompi jazzy

calm jazzy

the classic

reminding me of high school when i was so crazy about singing keroncong 😁

my placenta was let flow on a clay jar accompanied by flowers and other Javanese ceremonial items to Bengawan Solo; just its name this river shakes my heart, reminding me to keep flowing

matur sembah nuwun, Bengawan Solo

matur sembah nuwun, Pak Gesang

Flow

Learning, Map It!, This Person

Flow, Beloved
To where love brings
You.
There was a steep rock,
You fell again.
This time it might take longer
To flow calm.
Believe there won't be time dilation
And journey will be just fine.

nothing, it’s just a flowing river enjoying her journey

🤍

A Big Wave

This pool is too calm
A dust can cause a big wave.
Chaotic minutes--

sometimes i behave too strongly at work and don’t want to bring the strength to my personal life

unlike in professional life, in personal life i don’t use complex strategies for my plan and goal, i just do things with kindness with a bit of control to protect myself from being cheated

life might be called chains of transaction but in personal life my trade is trade of kindness, i lend and give with kindness without expecting to be repaid — or else, i will not lend or give; i was cheated a lot but i learnt my lesson yet still the only strategy (if i am forced to admit that i am having strategy) is avoidance strategy — again in personal life

consequently i will feel scared or overwhelmed with someone (that i deal in personal life) showing or demonstrating emotion that i usually apply when negotiating at work: cold, no empathy, poker face, intimidating, arrogant, winning all games and the like

this early morning i experienced one and it affected my whole day — i felt like i wanted to curl; the only thing making me survive the day was that i was working and i needed to keep myself professionally composed

what a heavy day personally today, thanks God my colleagues and business counterparts didn’t pay much attention to my expression except one person asking “today you must be tired walking almost 4 hours, you look pale”

there must be a lesson i need to learn in my personal life

💗

Borderless Escapade

Learning, This Person, Those People

Music, Beloved,
A borderless escapade
Of this heart that sings--

sometimes i just want to explode when other people criticise me as if ones had the utmost knowledge to sort which soul goes to hell or heaven

life of life…. lucky i have good hearing to let music enter my realm of sound and space

while listening to music, i let music absorb what i can’t tell human beings to or about

dear life, make me someone who listens to music of universe and utters good things even when this heart gets murky as muddy water

💗

Size of Life

What size of life do I want?
Any size as long as
It is ordinary:
Where big is not too big,
Small is not too small,
It is just right.

I want an ordinary life
Where my closest know well enough
My love and kindness guards
Me against betrayal.

I want an ordinary life
Where the farthest know well enough
Their hatred and ignorance keeps
Them away from me.

I thank you, my ordinary life
You make blessings extraordinary.

today’s breakfast: a big bowl of konjac noodle soup with chicken breast + carrot + bonito flake, a medium bowl of fruit and a small bowl of rendang — all in the right size….

…. and chocolate, the ordinary that turns my life extraordinary

My Best

My best, Beloved,
Is now here staying with me.
The self loved by me
Never leaves, never betrays.
Born, living, will die with me--

pho-bo for last night’s dinner with extra ngogai leaves is still the best

my host gave me pho-bo on hotpot — not the best, yet pho never fails me in Vietnam

chicken pho with extra ngogai leaves — good but pho is best with beef

Beauty and Majesty

Learning, Poetic, This Person, Those People

Beauty, Majesty
Both in me--
I'm predictable,
I'm throwing surprises,
Both simply reflecting
One whole me.
If you don't want one side,
You won't either get the other.

yin-yang, duality in unity, union in separation, jamal and jalal of asmaul husna, beauty and majesty, masculine and feminine, etc; you name it — it is a perfection in an imperfect human being

what do you expect from a human being but two sides of a coin, beloved?

💗

Love, No Doubt

Love is a mountain.

Stands still?
It does but it moves too to balance the center of Mother Earth.
No doubt.

Gives much?
It does but it sweeps too to clean what does not belong to the era.
No doubt.

Saves water?
It does but it stops flowing water to respond to destroyed roots.
No doubt.

Does good?
It does but it harms too to protect the heart of life, love itself.
No doubt.

Embraces beauty?
It does but it embraces scars and wounds too to celebrate journey and age.
No doubt.

My love is a mountain.
No doubt.

Mount Merapi (also Candrageni), Yogyakarta – i so much miss home i cry

💗

Flying Dreams

I love my sweet dreams
Who have cheered me every nights
And then forgotten.
Dear dreams, travel find your home.
I'm here to see you smiling.

fly happily, let me enjoy my day, waiting for you to call me saying “i’m home”

Forgiveness (ranting)

Forgiveness, my love
Blooms among showers of love
Coming out of love.

I became very upset yesterday after listening to some statements that in my perspective was sarcastic and on the contrary to what I personally saw. Most people laughed though.

Then what came across my mind was that person was trying to tell me secretly through a “townhall” that I was not the chosen one. It is normal to be excluded or canceled or rejected/ but should be with dignity not giving silent treatment; and with consistent treatment not “saying this here, giving hidden messages there”– personal or professional, that is not a right way to treat people.

My day was so ruined. What made it worse was a heavy rain came unpredictably that I had to travel longer from Johor to Singapore because of traffic growing jammed in both countries’ immigration gates.

But then I talked to myself last night. What is so special about me that I should be the chosen one? Why not accepting what was securely? Why was so upset to statements that might have been intended to tell me the truth? Hurting truth is better than late one, right? Or what about if that was just a way to tell jokes?

It took me long to re-digest the why: I was using the 5-Why method to trace back possible root causes with no result.

Out of the blue an iMessage with a beautiful song came from a Coldplay lover saying that it was sent to me because the song reminded that person of me. Wow! What a coincidence! Exactly when the iMessage came, I was playing exactly the same song sent to me.

And that the song reminded that person of me must have had a reason: maybe the quality of either the music or lyrics of the song is so me? 🥹

Why this song? Maybe the song vibe represents my “feeling good and like falling in love all the time”. Hmm…. This must be something.

I opened the Holy Book randomly and got another good vibe; a verse started with a sentence: “hold to forgiveness”.

What a stroke of good colours has been thrown to me!

Ok, my day!

I will do all my laundry and house cleaning chores today, cook my breakfast and eat it happily, then go to sleep like a log tonight then tomorrow I will walk 5 kilometers in the morning or go biking 11 kilometers in the afternoon.

Yosh❣️

Thank you, Gusti Allah….

I forgive myself. I forgive others. I forgive myself for letting my mind be filled with negativity about myself and others. I forgive others who have been so out of context or being ignorant.

What song sent by that Coldplay heavy lover? Here it is.

thank you, KM-san! i think you’re right that i deserve to be a heart full of love and a person spreading good feelings

i don’t want to give up; i’ve worked hard to shape a loving heart up to this level — will never let go of my true self

❣️

I Love Who I Love

I love who I love
With the least of what I feel,
With the smallest of what I give,
With the smile I curve,
With the breath I take,
With the step I make,
With the words I whisper,
With the prayer I hide,
With the biggest I can sacrafice,
With the vastest I can explore,
With the laughter I throw,
With the sigh I disguise,
With the decision I make,
With all I dedicate
In silence
Or declared.

title of my poem above is inspired by none but part of Coldplay’s Jupiter

That planet never stops inspiring me. Thanks, Jupe.

laughter is ripples caused by a heart who wants to tell stories of how life offers so much

i called my mom and could not stop laughing hearing her stories about anything around her: the cat, the relatives, the weather, the broom, the iPhone, etc

she is someone able to make a simple thing nice to hear and laugh at

i never talk about my problem with her and i consider it my job 😁 because her fun can only happen when she knows her children are ok

just by talking with her about how she argued with my sister could make me laugh hard and when finally she asked me “what about you? you ok?”, i would confidently say “iya, Ibuuu….”

i love you, Ibu — you are one of those I so much love

💗

Jupiter (Coldplay)

Learning, This Person

Enjoy the weekend, dear myself and true selves around me.

Love your body, heart and spirit so the soul soon hits the moment and will liberate you.

Wishing a saint promises me that a rest is waiting….

💗

Jupiter is my favorite planet after the Earth — thanks, Jupe

Jupiter symbolises happiness and merriness

I’ve always wanted to name my baby Jupiter — maybe in my next life

🥰

Rebuilt to Break?