Category: This Person

My best, Beloved,
Is now here staying with me.
The self loved by me
Never leaves, never betrays.
Born, living, will die with me--

pho-bo for last night’s dinner with extra ngogai leaves is still the best

my host gave me pho-bo on hotpot — not the best, yet pho never fails me in Vietnam

chicken pho with extra ngogai leaves — good but pho is best with beef

Beauty and Majesty

Learning, Poetic, This Person, Those People

Beauty, Majesty
Both in me--
I'm predictable,
I'm throwing surprises,
Both simply reflecting
One whole me.
If you don't want one side,
You won't either get the other.

yin-yang, duality in unity, union in separation, jamal and jalal of asmaul husna, beauty and majesty, masculine and feminine, etc; you name it — it is a perfection in an imperfect human being

what do you expect from a human being but two sides of a coin, beloved?

💗

Love, No Doubt

Love is a mountain.

Stands still?
It does but it moves too to balance the center of Mother Earth.
No doubt.

Gives much?
It does but it sweeps too to clean what does not belong to the era.
No doubt.

Saves water?
It does but it stops flowing water to respond to destroyed roots.
No doubt.

Does good?
It does but it harms too to protect the heart of life, love itself.
No doubt.

Embraces beauty?
It does but it embraces scars and wounds too to celebrate journey and age.
No doubt.

My love is a mountain.
No doubt.

Mount Merapi (also Candrageni), Yogyakarta – i so much miss home i cry

💗

Flying Dreams

I love my sweet dreams
Who have cheered me every nights
And then forgotten.
Dear dreams, travel find your home.
I'm here to see you smiling.

fly happily, let me enjoy my day, waiting for you to call me saying “i’m home”

Forgiveness (ranting)

Forgiveness, my love
Blooms among showers of love
Coming out of love.

I became very upset yesterday after listening to some statements that in my perspective was sarcastic and on the contrary to what I personally saw. Most people laughed though.

Then what came across my mind was that person was trying to tell me secretly through a “townhall” that I was not the chosen one. It is normal to be excluded or canceled or rejected/ but should be with dignity not giving silent treatment; and with consistent treatment not “saying this here, giving hidden messages there”– personal or professional, that is not a right way to treat people.

My day was so ruined. What made it worse was a heavy rain came unpredictably that I had to travel longer from Johor to Singapore because of traffic growing jammed in both countries’ immigration gates.

But then I talked to myself last night. What is so special about me that I should be the chosen one? Why not accepting what was securely? Why was so upset to statements that might have been intended to tell me the truth? Hurting truth is better than late one, right? Or what about if that was just a way to tell jokes?

It took me long to re-digest the why: I was using the 5-Why method to trace back possible root causes with no result.

Out of the blue an iMessage with a beautiful song came from a Coldplay lover saying that it was sent to me because the song reminded that person of me. Wow! What a coincidence! Exactly when the iMessage came, I was playing exactly the same song sent to me.

And that the song reminded that person of me must have had a reason: maybe the quality of either the music or lyrics of the song is so me? 🥹

Why this song? Maybe the song vibe represents my “feeling good and like falling in love all the time”. Hmm…. This must be something.

I opened the Holy Book randomly and got another good vibe; a verse started with a sentence: “hold to forgiveness”.

What a stroke of good colours has been thrown to me!

Ok, my day!

I will do all my laundry and house cleaning chores today, cook my breakfast and eat it happily, then go to sleep like a log tonight then tomorrow I will walk 5 kilometers in the morning or go biking 11 kilometers in the afternoon.

Yosh❣️

Thank you, Gusti Allah….

I forgive myself. I forgive others. I forgive myself for letting my mind be filled with negativity about myself and others. I forgive others who have been so out of context or being ignorant.

What song sent by that Coldplay heavy lover? Here it is.

thank you, KM-san! i think you’re right that i deserve to be a heart full of love and a person spreading good feelings

i don’t want to give up; i’ve worked hard to shape a loving heart up to this level — will never let go of my true self

❣️

I Love Who I Love

Learning, love, This Person

I love who I love
With the least of what I feel,
With the smallest of what I give,
With the smile I curve,
With the breath I take,
With the step I make,
With the words I whisper,
With the prayer I hide,
With the biggest I can sacrafice,
With the vastest I can explore,
With the laughter I throw,
With the sigh I disguise,
With the decision I make,
With all I dedicate
In silence
Or declared.

title of my poem above is inspired by none but part of Coldplay’s Jupiter

That planet never stops inspiring me. Thanks, Jupe.

laughter is ripples caused by a heart who wants to tell stories of how life offers so much

i called my mom and could not stop laughing hearing her stories about anything around her: the cat, the relatives, the weather, the broom, the iPhone, etc

she is someone able to make a simple thing nice to hear and laugh at

i never talk about my problem with her and i consider it my job 😁 because her fun can only happen when she knows her children are ok

just by talking with her about how she argued with my sister could make me laugh hard and when finally she asked me “what about you? you ok?”, i would confidently say “iya, Ibuuu….”

i love you, Ibu — you are one of those I so much love

💗

Jupiter (Coldplay)

Learning, This Person

Enjoy the weekend, dear myself and true selves around me.

Love your body, heart and spirit so the soul soon hits the moment and will liberate you.

Wishing a saint promises me that a rest is waiting….

💗

Jupiter is my favorite planet after the Earth — thanks, Jupe

Jupiter symbolises happiness and merriness

I’ve always wanted to name my baby Jupiter — maybe in my next life

🥰

Rebuilt to Break?

You know, Beloved
A new heart being rebuilt
Is about to break.

the biggest tear is when hope is betrayed before even it gets to know what to expect

Home Sweet Home

Learning, love, Map It!, Poetic, This Person

Dear, dear Beloved.
There's a space all dearly miss.
It's a home sweet home.

I’ve tried inserting Jogja between my schedules since forever and now it is a dream-come-true.

There is a long to-do list for Jogja this time: checking if the orchids have rooted to the tamarind tree, eating gudheg, drinking ginasthel (legi, panas, kenthel = sweet, hot, thick in Javanese) tea prepared by my 90-year-old aunt, talking about my garden-to-be with my cousins, going watch Papermoon Puppet show and meeting up with batik artisans.

Yet to make it simple let me call it a not-so-short-but-not-long-at-all getaway to take care of my home project and to breathe the sweetness of village air.

Care to see my plan?

Here it is. Boring? That’s so me! 😊

Oct 25 (Friday)

9:45am arriving in Yogyakarta International Airport
noon to afternoon: visiting humble batik artisans: Ibu Tien and Mbak Izzah (any kind of sogan batik) in Imogiri then Mbak Fitri in Kasihan (batik nitik)
evening: eating gudheg
night: checking in and talking with Mbak Roh (permanent partner in crime in Jogja) on random topics until we fall asleep

Oct 26 (Saturday)

whole day with architect (Mbak Novi) in her gallery, my home then finally to Papermoon Puppet Theatre
evening: eating gudheg (again?) and whatever
night: talking with Mbak Roh, Mbak Endang and Agnes on random topics until we fall asleep

Oct 27 (Sunday)

whole day enjoying my aunt’s tea and home cooking in my father’s childhood home in Menoreh Hills
evening: eating gudheg (again??) and whatever
night: talking with Mbak Roh on random topics until we fall asleep

Oct 28 (Monday)

9:45am flying back to Singapore

I usually either give free class or tell stories to children in a small library in Bambanglipuro, but time doesn’t allow though. Skipped! Sorry, kids…. We love you, but I need to manage adult things this time. Next time ya….

Can’t wait to be home…. Jogja, please warmly welcome me like always.

loving the blue sky! view from the backyard-garden-to-be (June’s doc)

From Johor with love….

Secrecy (ranting)

Learning, This Person

I thought of since when I became so secretive. The answer is since I was young when “betrayal was unbearable” and as time goes by my guard has become higher and higher. Since then friend is just to share my good vibes and fun until now. Talking to best friends means talking about politics, ordinary people’s memes and videos; only three celebrities can be our serious topic of discussion: Dian Sastro (without doubt our sweetheart), Nicholas Saputra (her sweetheart) and Keanu Reeves (mine); other celebs are not important to us– more drama, less achievement. No love life sharing, no nothing❣️I prefer listening to being listened to.

I only have one bestfriend that I share more about my difficulty dealing with my mother ☺️ — mother-daughter relationship is very unique: so much true love at the same time some shade of jealousy. I don’t share too many problems to mother; I want to make her retirement peaceful and easy so everyday she js texting me at (my) 3am (her 2am) to inform me that she is going to pray for me and my siblings for so and so and later at (my) 5am (her 4am) to “Hello, my dear. Hope today your work is smooth and blessed. Always believe in God. Are you fasting? What’s the plan to cook for dinner?” The same routine from her and I will either text or call her at (my) 6am after morning prayer. I do my best to make mother laugh — my best story-teller ibu 😘😘😘

Ooops! What triggered me to think of being secretive? I work in a company where secret and being secretive is always listed #1 in working on projects. Keep it secret. Keep it low key. Confidential. NDA. Black project. Need to know basis. I have no idea. I am not in the team. Sorry I can’t share it with you. And the like, name it. “Shut up” is my daily routine. Ju….st before this lunch break I was reminded (for how many times heaven knows) to instruct my field team to sign several NDA before visiting some sites. Voila! And so I write!

Yes, being secretive is applied to my personal and professional life so it is never difficult to lock my mouth to anyone. Believe me or not; not many people know in what company I work — and that doesn’t matter. Not important where I am sitting, it is more important what I’ve contributed with what I’ve done– although the contribution is not publicly announced. I am highly trained to be a humble person– YES, I AM (oh…. this is not being humble by declaring being humble hahaha…). And a highly trained person to not meddle on others’ personal affairs. Public affairs are exempted as they affect my well being as a citizen and as a human being. 😁

My friends asked if it is not tiring to be secretive. No. It is as simple as closing the door of my house; locking my trunk everytime going out from hotel room, securing my Mac in the locked trunk when leaving without it, discarding my diaries when they are full (my diaries are writing and drawing), and making my social media account private.

The last one (making my social media account private) has been violated by myself. After archiving a lot of photos that mostly relate to my leisure activities with colleagues, my solo travel fun and my other activities with significant engagement from friends, I finally opened my instagram account with only 10% of the original to appear. Furthermore, I heard instagram will treat copyright of photos and videos like Facebook does so I plan to finally delete the archived as well.

Why opening instagram account to public?

My best friend told me to make a book review some time ago as we both like reading and she thought that my mind deserves some disclosure (although I should be careful because sometimes my thinking can cause discrimination and hatred against me). I want to train myself to show to public the external skin of my personality before finally sharing my book review. At least public should have a context of me aside from seeing my review; only those true self I will allow to know me better and best.

When will I share my book review? Damn! It is challenging! I’ve made some and they don’t suffice my own demand. I need to redo and redo and redo until one best one deserves my own criticism.

My next challenge is to reopen comment column in this blog but maybe it will also take forever to finally happen. I am not afraid of bad comments, so be it. I am just reluctant to reply to comments like how Michael Lai and Penumbra Haiku nicely reply to comments– those two are the only blogs I visit with excitement. As a matter of facts I am now having many pending comments to approve– I won’t probably approve them. 😁

Time to prepare some ingredients of what I will cook after work today.

once upon a time only the queen had the key to the old storage in the dungeon and she forgot where she put it

😊

Missing Home, Always

It's humble,
Warm,
Spacious,
Fragrant,
Sweet,
Loving,
Beautiful and
True
As this heart.

My home....
I miss
You.

this song depicts how i love my perfect home to be — i miss Jogja

November, please give me just one weekend to be there then i will be a prisoner again until next slot that you wholeheartedly give

❣️

Be True

Be true
Being true
True
Self

Thank you, dear life for being so true to me and teaching me how to be.

I felt so heavy this morning. After swimming, I continued preparing a line of chores that were not finished last night. Yet when doing the laundry and some kitchen things, I was “attacked” by a feeling of broken heart and anger that didn’t seem to be from my own experience– I’ve been so in love and blessed recently.

I remember that what we feel is not always who we are, there might be others’ negative energy around us that with heaven knows what reasons the energy attaches to us. So I stopped for a while: talking to myself, talking to my best friend, posting some funny videos to my instagram then meditating for a while. And tada! My mother called me giving me some news about this and that happening around her.

No wonder I’ve felt so heavy and broken hearted.

Now I know I am not broken hearted.

I am filled with so much love and flowing it to those knowing how to appreciate it.

I promise to be always true to this true self and to those true to it.

May all beings be happy.

💗

Liberated

Liberating love
Makes her fly high to the sky
Seeing a blessed heart.

the ultimate love is that that liberates

listening to this song feels like liberated in love

💗

Ripples

Water is splashing
Once fallen on to surface.
Lace of ripples be--

negatively perceived by others is not something new for me; many human beings don’t believe in good will or good intention simply because they are trying to protect themselves from being robbed — they think others being kind to them is a strategy to take their power or their money

i’ve met some people accusing me of being kind to rob their money or power; i never explain about my good will or intention and just continue being kind — if they finally recognize the kindness, it’s good for them for knowing kindness; if they never do, it’s good for me for being protected from stupidity

i only want to cause ripples of kindness in my life

Ripples

It is what you do
Bringing deeds. And so you do,
Do through sweeter heart.

i was tired of being a wicked energy in one side of life, so i decided to be a sweeter softer heart in all sides of life — whatever they say….

💕

Thank You

Thank you, dear weekend
For slapping my face with waves
That clear busy mind.

in the middle of a book that i picked in Sep 2023 and started reading in Sep 2024

soon completed

one big note within my reading which i am sure will stay until the end of the reading: always start with why except in loving someone, when you love someone with a why, you will find another why and finally you have no reason to love that someone and you’ll go back to your meaningless emptiness — know that only love never needs why

thank you, Truth for giving me so big a heart that contains so little to no why for loving, and so big a mind that contains unlimited why’s for knowing life

have a weekend, take a breath and set new days

i beg mercy from You, The Truth — set me free ASAP from heart congestion and mind unclarity

duh Gusti…. 😘

A Door In A Home

She thought
The door was open ajar
And so she stepped forward
Then she found
It was never ajar,
It was unclearly welcoming,
Playing true heart,
Causing a burning pain.

It was a glass window
Protecting a door
That was never open--
Neither for her
Nor for anyone
Probably--
Some home is designed
To lure hope
Just to damage true trust.

She decided that
It's her fault
And mindfully she's to be careful
As her heart won't
Bear the cost of
What's not true
Anymore.

stand in front of a door that is finally found never open for me, time to go within

it is my first time, very first time to find that a heart can show me so overwhelmingly huge clear admiration and hope but then cause me to free fall ridiculously

maybe i did something really bad to that heart in my previous life

dear, love — i don’t want unclarity next time; i don’t want false alarm; i want only clear mind and genuine intension

lesson is learnt in many ways; i thank life for teaching me so much love — this time love that has no clarity about its own self

thank you, love for giving me clarity about myself and about you

💕

A Gift

Learning, Poetic, This Person, Those People

A gift, Beloved,
Wrapped or unwrapped, it will be
Blessings to both sides.

today i met my Tapa Brata room mate, she is a sister in this spiritual and medical journey for me; while she is much younger than me, she is tremendously more advanced in what we both are doing — today she wrapped me a silver jewelry that i right away wore to go dinner with her in PS

thank you for this pretty gift, FO

Blessed

She's blessed, Beloved
In the name of none but love
By those knowing love.

almost done with the packing — short getaway somewhere connected with 1-week biz trip to KL

i’ve been in good mood

this was the first time i was kissed and hugged by the CFO of a company after a closing meeting — she said she had heard my name from other counterparts in other branches and she liked the way i defended my standpoint; or, probably she was just being a mother who remembered her daughter

thank you, YW; you are blessed

Celebrated

Let's celebrate it,
A victory of breathing
And smiling to life.

celebrating today’s victory with my team before closing meeting

🔥

Scared Away

She is scared away
By all silence thrown to her.
Going back within--

sometimes work is the only heaven when undivided attention distracts me from other disturbances

today is the last day of audit in one supplier near home then i will complete packing to fly early tomorrow morning — i don’t know if the meet-up will happen (i heard the person will go somewhere else with someone else); if not, at least i know whether or not this is my way

💕

Soaked and Refreshed

I just wanna be
Soaked and refreshed in your love.
Fun in solitude--

evening swim is nice with splashing sound and unseen shadowy fellow swimmers — soaked and refreshed in solitude is a privilege

Explaining Life Flow Systemically (ranting)

Learning, life, This Person

Living up to this age, I am still learning how to live more systematically while questioning if life shall be systematic.

As I deal with management system almost everyday, let me share how I see life as a structured process flow from one phase to another in a close loop cycle. Please note it is not always implemented in all part of life by me; why? Because I love experiencing life as a flowing river instead of 1-2-3-4 that feels like ordinal number sequence, it is fair enough to break the cycle rule once in a while.

What is breaking cycle rule in my version? Simply by twisting schedule from morning to evening, changing my playlist from jazz to Balinese rindik or Javanese gamelan to unknown music from instagram that I follow. That simple? Not always, sometimes I will just call my brother for 3 hours talking bloody unfunny jokes but still laughing together. I am boring because of not clubbing? Yes, and feeling enough with myself 😃

Perhaps because outside work I am a free spirit (in different way), rigidly binding me with too structured a way of life can make me suffocated; that’s why even (if) there is a systematic approach of management system flow applied to my life, I will still hijack my own system at certain moment to ensure that my life is a pleasant bliss, not a routine.

😃

it is not yet fully done, review in progress, debatable and not a proposal — it’s just a noisy mind of mine

💃🏽

Fire

Learning, love, This Person, Those People

I will keep this fire spark within and share it with my loved one — only when love reciprocally matters.

I love you, my morning.

💕

🔥

Thank You, My Morning

Thank you, my morning
For giving my passion back
After short suicide.

the lagoon pool this morning, its splashing sound competing with the traffic picking up was the background when i called my mother after my morning walk

my mother is sometimes too worried about me then she says “you’re too active”; she’s not exactly right — yes i swim every 2 days, walk 5km every 2 days and bike now and then but i see others run, hike the mountains, box (some of my Filipino colleagues do), etc

so i told my mother just now that i will keep being active if this is what she calls active as this is what makes me greet my morning with positive vibes everyday

i don’t want to waste my time by doing what those in despair do

and she always tells me “don’t forget the routine fasting but eat more” — what?! mother…. a woman that annoys you but you can’t stop loving her

terima kasih, my morning & ibuku sayang

Reasons to Love?

I've learnt reasoning since
Forever.
I gain what and what
Through stingy allowance
To let things happen in life
Except
One,
You.
I generously gain
You.

Beloved,
Can you please sometimes tell me why I should not love?
Should I love king only? Or should I not for he is too high?
Or should I love beggar? Or should I not as he is too low?

Or should I learn now that
There must be reasons to
Love?

Life is sometimes showing me
Love
Then taking it back cruelly
With little to no chance.

i beg your guidance, always

💕

Everyday Life

In everyday life
Leaves are on trees, trees on roots;
Blooms and fruits on hopes--

my everyday life is prosaic, i recompose it to be poetic so i can enjoy it with my loved ones

💕

Lyrics (softly spoken, deep and on point)

What in the world are we going to do?
Look at what everybody's going through
What kind of world do you want it to be?
Am I the future or the history?

'Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies
Everyone falls
Everybody dreams and doubts
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out

How in the world I am going to see?
You as my brother
Not my enemy?

'Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone sees the color in each other's eyes
Everyone loves
Everybody gets their hearts ripped out
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out
Gonna keep dancing when the lights go out
Hold tight for everyday life
Hold tight for everyday life

At first light
Throw my arms out open wide
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Yes

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