Sweet heart, Beloved Lingers so long, stays alive, Connects what across.
My mother is supposed to be 81 years old if she’s alive physically. I’m sure she’s happy across, seeing I’m happy. I know she knows I miss her everyday– there is still empty seconds in the morning when I wake up seeing no WhatsApp message from her.
I’ll keep all about you in me forever, Ibu. Love ya much much❣️
Send my best regard to my father who probably is sitting with you all the time talking about you offspring.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
the last screenshot of our video call on Aug 16, 2025
even with just half of her teeth, she still is beautiful
Kata orang aku sedih, Bukan sedih. Aku hanya rindu Padamu Ibu, Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu, Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa, Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas, Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.
On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666
At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter ح the initial of the word حبل (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.
The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.
Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. 🥰
No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).
For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. ❤️🩹
Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. 💕☘️❣️
I feel so languid, Between losing and letting go. Memories are swarming, Reminding that life is short And farewell is just an inch away. What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay. What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive. Love is never faraway, It is for a while hiding To show up when hope is fading away. There's nothing I hear But heartbeats singing love song From afar, moving closer and closer. Love is never faraway, It's just hiding to find a way To disclose what's true in Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
I'm bowing this head Like sunflower to the sun That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. 💕
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did Iyet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
No one, Ibu But You Who loves me without questioning, Trusts me without doubting, Gives all to me without expecting, Lets go off your belonging for me without counting, Does all for me without calculating. Is it because you are a perfect human being? But no! It's because you see your perfection in me and See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you. You're too perfect to be copied: Your patience: Being abandoned, Left, Betrayed, Cheated, Lied to, Hated, Marginalised, And so much more. Your gift: Being generous, Kind, Soft, Lovely, Caring, Acceptant, Lovable, Humane, And so much more.
Dear, Ibu. I want to talk about you All the time now Because I can't talk to you Anymore.
Yes I can But without your voice Kicking softly on my eardrums Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you: I am letting you go wholeheartedly, I will take care of your legacy, I will love those whom you love, too.
Terima kasih ya Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu, Bagian jiwamu, Bagian hidupmu. Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada. Aku kadang sebel Tapi sering tidak sebel, Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja. Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu. Sedihmu, Bahagiamu, Sakitmu, Sehatmu, Janjimu, Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
Ibu, Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life. One day I said to you, "Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?" You said, "Amen. Pray. All is good." Then I said to you again, "Do you love me?" You said, "All mothers love the children." I said again, "But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?" You smiled saying, "You are stronger. Much stronger."
If I'm a mother, I'd be my children's student And their wisdom guide.
I had a Sunday cafe date with a friend while she was accompanying her son having taekwondo class nearby.
Like usual only with this friend I can always agree to go out of my home at weekend except when I am really caught up with urgent work. With her (and her husband and children) I can talk freely with loud laughter without being afraid of any judgement. They are perhaps my closest friends here in Singapore.
One of the today’s topics was mother.
We know quite a bit about both of our journey of relationship with mothers. As daughter we had almost the same experience of dealing with mother: acceptance to be a daughter of a woman with very different mindset and nurturing experience.
Our acceptance to our mother’s love evolved beautifully. Both of us have realised how much our mothers love us and how much we both love those women called mother. It was just a matter of positioning based on respect and understanding. It is always about knowing what and how love manifests in life.
oolong tea, thanks for witnessing friends’ laughter and genuine talk
That she is herself a mother of two children has taught her what a mother’s love means. To me I experienced various conflicts and arguments with my mother until at one point I realised how hard it was to be in her position and how hard to me to accept the fact that I have to accept my position before her culturally, biologically and ethically.
This friend likes to share with me how she raises her kids and the vice versa, I also like to give case studies and see how she treats some situations. Among all married friends she might be the one I would like to be like in most situations, not all as we still have different opinions in some topics if I am a mother (I know it is just an if as I don’t even have a hope to be someone’s wife at this age). She is open to communicate with her kids and husband up to a level of sitting at a round table to openly argue about things; at the same time she has her boundary at which point a mother stops to force and at which line a child must respect parents.
Today’s was our last 2024’s meet-up. She will fly to Karuizawa, Japan on Dec 11 until end of year and I will finish my work before end-of-year’s home country leave for a short while.
This friend always makes me miss my mother.
Ibu, I will call you tomorrow morning…. Know that I will always love you . Know that I will say yes if you become my mother again in my next life.
Happiest birthday To my sacred woman, Mother. Please always give Another year Every year For us to pay.
i used to have a difficult relationship with my mother, very difficult; whatever i did was just not acceptable — my choice was her rejection, always
one year to reconcile i asked her to go for major pilgrimage with me but she rejected saying that she was too weak to do (even i offerred the shortest period); but she agreed for a minor pilgrimage — it was to me a cauldron of patience test, and i think the same for her; but we both started to know what was the knot in the rope
i never knew how jealous a mother can be to a daughter who is close to her husband until that day when she said to me “your father loved you more than loved me” — i was very close to my father and now i knew why shewondered why; we both know and accept it now
starting that year our relationship was getting easier and easier until 2018 we were in the peak — i was in my third worst argument in my life with her (1st when i refused to marry a man chosen by her, 2nd when she disagreed with my romance that eventually ended)
since then we started to learn gradually that there was a big misconception about mother-daughter relationship
a mother who thinks that her daughter is a possession should let go; a daughter who wants total freedom should slow down— there shall be a middle way where balance is achieved
and it worked; our relationship is getting better and better — we get along very well, we are relaxed in treating each other
do i love it? yes, except that she will contact me every single day to ask me how i am 🤪
happy 80th birthday, Ibu; thank you for being my mother — hope we clean our karma in this life so when we meet again, everything is going smoothly 😘
Thank you, my morning For giving my passion back After short suicide.
the lagoon pool this morning, its splashing sound competing with the traffic picking up was the background when i called my mother after my morning walk
my mother is sometimes too worried about me then she says “you’re too active”; she’s not exactly right— yes i swim every 2 days, walk 5km every 2 days and bike now and then but i see others run, hike the mountains, box (some of my Filipino colleagues do), etc
so i told my mother just now that i will keep being active if this is what she calls active as this is what makes me greet my morning with positive vibes everyday
i don’t want to waste my time by doing what those in despair do
and she always tells me “don’t forget the routine fasting but eat more” — what?! mother…. a woman that annoys you but you can’t stop loving her
She's simply composed, Not even shaken by storm. Rooted to the earth--
My intuition works wonder when it comes to family esp mother, as if knowing when something wrong happens even no one informs me.
Yesterday I contacted my sister saying that mother might not be good. She said mother was ok and sleeping.
My gut said different. I contacted my cousin saying the same thing and she said “Yes, she fell and injured a bit on her chin and left hands.”
I happened to know later that my mother didn’t allow my sister to tell me about the incident.
I tried to digest the “lie” although the feeling inside was a mix of anger, disappointment, sadness, left behind at the same time relief that she was now ok.
This morning after a long meeting I called my mother. I really wanted to give her some “lecture” that she should be careful, should not do this or that and should let me know whatsoever happens to her. But I detered myself from doing so.
I know what I would say is something true but don’t want to hurt her motherly affectionate decision. I chose to accept her reason of not informing me: so my child can work with light heart.
My mother is one of the mentally strongest women I’ve known in life. None of people knowing her will say otherwise.
Once I joked around with her “Ibu, please pray that I don’t have to be as strong as you in life as when I’m as strong as you, it means I will have one most challenging of human life.”
She said “You can be stronger than me but don’t need to experience what I have in life. Trust your life.”
Yes, I do trust life will protect me from the harms.
The tree sows thousands of seeds That fly to all directions And never return Until the wind stands up And calls. Which seeds come back? Any That hear a mother Beautifully sings with love Humbly whispers with peace About home Full of Love.
——
this is how much beautifully humble my mother is — with that she has been highly respected by those surrounding her; I won’t be as respected as she is yet I want to at least preserve some part of her humbleness 💚
This life’s well weathered ‘Tween hot and cold, calm and rushed. There’s home to shelter.
——
Indonesia Mosque in Bangkok — joining a short prayer
i went to a mosque then to a small shrine today before flight — feeling the humbleness of human beings begging for help from the One indescribable unseen unexplainable, the hope tiptoeing behind fear, the weakness of human beings facing our own nature
these folded lotus flowers are floating to weather after their duty as envelopes with which prayers are sent up above through billowing smoke of incense
now i have to pack to fly back home soon to see my mother hospitalised — certain days are just under the weather
wishing all my silent chants can be medicine for the woman who loves me to the moon and back
Colours, hues, shades, tints In a garden strike the eyes Wandering within.
—
I am on an emergency short leave to visit my mother as my mother is sick. A sister called saying “she doesn’t want to eat”, “she can’t sleep well”, “she doesn’t want to visit her doctor”, “she thinks it is her time”, blahblahblah…. Alamak! Although sometimes we think she can be a drama queen, we start to think seriously when she can’t sleep well.
The second day of my visit she already watered her plants that line along my sister’s narrow garden. She sang along while walking in her house. She ate one big chunk of fast food’s fried chicken that my nephews insisted taken away for her. She has been back to her nature after meeting her children and grandchildren whom she missed who are now laughing with her at every breakfast, lunch and dinner time.
This morning she happily greeted the newspaper lady delivering her favourite “Jawa Pos”, the lady said “good morning, Ibu, you look radiant again”. She also had a short chat with her front neighbour about rain, cats and plants.
I think sometimes you just need to meet someone to be healthy. 💗
Yesterday morning I joined her watering the plants and took pictures of some of the blooms that have always made us all smile.
Salaam.
java tea — we call it “kumis kucing” here
jasmine sambac, everlasting fragrance — her favourite
zinnia, the humble beauty
white bougainvillea, the tough beauty
orchids at the left side of the gate — “your sister is a good gardener, she has made your orchids happily bloom!” she said
Journey to the self Takes a long and winding road, Worth doing. Half done—
—
Human beings’ journey to understand one’s self is often unpredictable. I never wanted to visit Mecca and Medina yet because of my devotion to a mother, I agreed to go to ensure that she was safe and healthy. And the result was tremendous evolution of self. 💝
To Ibu: I miss you much today 😘
Alfatihah
Masjid Nabawi (Mosque of Prophet) in Medina — where I started strongly realising that there is a journey —a silent one— that I must commit 💝 someday I’ll be back with a clearer mind and a calmer heart yet the same level of “disobedience” and stubbornness 😁
where I witnessed how a human being’s karma is overtly paid off and showing the quality of a person visiting this place – my mother is a humble, kind and very very generous person and in this place she was greeted by sooo many female pilgrims from other countries, requested to take picture together, given a looooooooooot of food every day, given space once arriving in the mosque (her friends in her group were not that much) – me? oh of course she introduced me as her daughter cum translator and then was included in all her blessings 😝
the only person who could move my heart to finally go – thank you, Ibu; might not be a happy ending for me but was a best start of a journey 💝
where my heart was knocked from inside that the journey is within and silent, a precious gift — the physical is a gift wrap to respect whomever we wish 💝 (Masjidil Haram, Mecca)
a life long pilgrimage of mine 💝 a private, silent, almost secretive so only I and whom I most love know the milestones 💗 others are guessing and interpreting 🙏🏼
Tragic is comic After fermentation time. Dark jokes bring bright joy.
—
We always remember how our father loved our mother. He liked giving gifts to her and doing household chores like cleaning the floor and doing heavy laundry. Yet he also enjoyed teasing my mother around; his goal was to make her angry just to show that he was good at calming her down. 😂 Yet his strong affection to our mother did one extreme discomfort to her and some of us.
This morning my older siblings asked mother to re-tell a story that we the younger don’t record well as we were too young to save the moment. While they laughed before she started telling the story, we three waited curiously.
Mother: Once I went with my friend to a beauty parlour. She wanted to have her hair cut.
Younger children: With whom?
Mother: (mentioning a name that we are familiar with)
All children: (commenting about mother’s friend who happened to be a very fashionable woman at that time)
Mother: She said that I should have my hair made curly or at least wavy so I could look different. I said no because I should get permission from your father. But you know her, she was able to convince me to do it.
All children: (laughing and commenting about the lady who spent money like she would die today. Mother said that woman got much money from ex husbands so she deserved to do it.) So, curled or waved?
Mother: Medium curled
Older children: (laughing and commenting how she looked fresh but weird as we had never had anyone with curly hair in the family before)
Mother: When I reached home, your father seeing me with curly hair looked surprised. I thought it would be a terrific moment but then it changed to one terrible day. He was so angry, never before he became that angry.
Older children: Ya, I was shocked. Never saw him like that before—
Mother: I was not shocked with his reaction but the next action of his was a biggest discomfort in my life. He said he wanted to make the hair look better which I thought minor trimming and he took a pair of scissors.
Older children: I didn’t expect that to happen. He cut most of the curly hair and only left the one with very vague curls near the headskin. You were almost bald! (laughing) You became so not you.
Me: (upset) Why did’t you run to hide and protect your hair?
Older children: Hey! Don’t be too serious. He didn’t hurt her.
Me: But he hurt her pride! I won’t let my hair be screwed up by anyone.
Older children: I remember mother sobbed and I screamed to father to stop. He didn’t do it harshly, but I felt worried about her sobbing.
Me: Damn wrong thing! I never knew he would have this in the checklist.
Mother: No worry. He regretted and apologized on the same day. And trust me it was the only one bad thing he did to me. He said he didn’t want me to draw attention of other men.
Older children: Jeeeaaaalousy! We know some other things about his jealousy! You should tell more stories.
Mother: I think it was the best lesson for him about how he should not be too possessive.
All children: Yaaa!!! Agree!
Older children: Do you remember that you turned to be a better fashionista than her. I remember you wore turban and sometimes wigs.
Mother: Yes. And I guess he regretted it even more as I asked for different wigs and turbans until my hair was good enough to show.
What a comedy! Oops! What a tragedy turning to comedy after some time!
Lesson learnt: choose the best expression of love to avoid bad impression, don’t have your hair curled 😁, find a husband who doesn’t hate curly hair 😁, forgive your husband’s wrong expression while educating him, and see a comedy in a tragedy
My mother said You were a cute baby Even when crying.
My mother said You were a beautiful toddler Running around, Bubbling all words.
My mother said You were a cheerful girl Cycling around Climbing up trees Playing drowning in the river.
My mother said You were a beautiful woman Arguing every ideas from me Showing me your strong desires Moving to where life brought us.
My mother said You are an adult woman Enjoying life differently from me Giving me what you’ve promised to be Loving what you love with no doubt Living life with smiles and warm heart.
My mother said I love you I bless you Wherever you are. You’re loved You’re blessed However you are.
—
My mother called, we laughed a lot today. She said I laughed as I did when I was a baby. How happy I have been to be her daughter. Lots of hugs and kisses, Ibu.
Good words, Beloved, Postcard sent in holiday Showing what one’s seen.
—
My mother’s question after saying hello at lunch time is always “What did you cook today?” And she’ll say “Delicious!” when I send the food picture although she might say differently when tasting it. Both are happy, and that’s the most important thing.
Mother, Beloved She’s giving more than taking No end since morning.
—-
This morning I saw my mother cleaned our slim long patch of plants and Mother Nature showed the beauty along the patch. Many herbs and flowers are presenting their prime time. Some of them are preparing their exhibit and yields. Many of them are of no bloom after last month.
I didn’t help her. Let her enjoy the cleaning, let me take some pictures. 😝
Some neighbours passed by and greeted us, exchanging some light chat about the neighbourhood. One of them came to us bringing a bowl of nasi jagung (steamed corn grain) before she went teaching.
A short visit with long lost warmth of a real neighbourhood
May all beings be happy.
one of the aloe vera pots – we harvested it to make some drink 🤩
red lemongrass ❣️ oops my sister said it’s sugar cane 😃
rike jokanan 
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