Tag: trust

Imperfection (ranting)

Learning, This Person, Those People

I never expect a teacher to be perfect yet I never want a teacher (who claim her/himself) teacher to tak about what’s (s/he considers) not better than her/him. 

Yes, I’ve “ordained” that my primary teacher is one, that that I’ve listened to & read since I was a high schooler with big respect and trust because his life is well verified and he is consistent about what he’s fought for– those underprivileged in my beloved country. He’s been physically ill and unable to directly greet us. And that was probably one reason that I tried to find another teacher as there are bits and pieces that I might gain from a class with teacher rather than reading alone. Other than that I had one discussion group.

Yet I could not ordain this new teacher to be a primary. Not because he’s not intelligent or scientifically resourceful. He is very much; however, this honored person could not stop talking about other people that one thinks not better, not right, not exclusive, not right, not this, not that. I’ve been in every week and in every meeting there is always word to highlight how others outside are misled.

No, I can’t make this one a primary teacher. This one is as ordinary as others, as me– yet as he is very intelligent I still make this one source of bits and pieces.

No, I don’t hate this one. I just can’t accept fully because of the 60% quality that I can’t see in one. I don’t tell my friend by whom I was connected to this one. I appreciate her kindness and generosity for this connection; yet I’ve found her to be like this teacher: others outside are not right….

Life is so perfectly imperfect; and I’m a consistently imperfect student of life.

Thank you, dear Beloved for giving me extraordinary and ordinary teacher so I can see both perfection and imperfection in myself.

September was good. She showed me teacher who likes to underestimate others outside the class through humble words. She also sent me a friend who is so angelic that I felt uncomfortable to be near her.

Both look perfect in their own place. The teacher is regarded as very scientifically resourceful one– no deficiency of knowledge. The friend is regarded as an angelic one– no stain in her soul.

I’m a human being so I need a perfect teacher whose ethics is at least 50% of one’s quality; the other 50 is shared between knowledge and clear thinking. Because wisdom is not only what’s memorised by teacher but what’s becoming daily conduct as a role model.

I’m a human being so I need an imperfect friend whose flexibility is enough for us to laugh together. Because the rest is not about whether the gathering ia full of wise words or sacred knowledge, but how a friend is welcomed howsoever dirty and low the conduct is; otherwise we are not friends.

About Believing (ranting)

Learning, love, This Person
Doubt and trust, my love,
Between which I wait for you
To sing a love song.

While knowing makes me clearly decide what to do, believing keeps me walking even when it’s pitch black or blinding bright.

Believing is not about taking something with evidences. Believing is taking things for granted as there is no choice while I should keep on. As long as evidence is not yet well presented, it’s believing, not knowing.

What do I believe most in life? That there is only one able to help me, the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love, you. Yet I’m shaken now & then by what’s called doubt. Doubt moves the graphic of trust up & down which is normal as said by a master “the faith is up & down”.

In uncertainty, do I still believe of salvation? Yes, I believe in salvation as I don’t know if it is happening or not. At the same time I make space for doubt so I’m humanely questioning myself whether I’m doing well in clarifying the ways. There’s something I miss when in doubt & the space in which I miss always gives me hope, a feel of falling in love with something that I believe will drop wisdom to the heart.

How beautiful the collaboration of belief & doubt is! It ignites love. Love is an eternal flame that sparkles dancing depending on how trust & doubt tango. Without the existence of both, love will look like a marble slab: cold, hard, mute; while a flame: warm, soft, dynamic.

I know in order to keep love & wisdom rekindling as long as I live, I’ve got to believe in the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love or you that sometimes resides so deep in Him or Me.

What a rant!

at that age (below 30) I believed that all were good with lil doubt and as a result I was cheated, lied to but at the same time I gained kindness, endurance and silence

now? kindness, carefree, clarity as these 3 are most needed to live a human being’s life lightly and genuinely

my formula, not applied to all

keep believing that love prevails

😊

1 Kakak 7 Ponakan (movie)

Learning

Disclaimer: It is not a movie review. It is an impression told with a limited basis and personal preference.

This movie is about a man who is willingly taking the responsibility to raise 5 kids who are left by their parents (a couple passing away, the other couple divorced) and 2 other irresponsible adults.

Moko (the 1 Kakak that means one older brother), an architect, decides to delay his dream of becoming a successful architect and his love life in order to ensure all the five kids (in short two nephews and 3 nieces) are well taken care of. When two adults joined the folk, the five kids turns to seven that makes “7 Ponakan” literally meaning “7 nephews and nieces”.

It is with happy ending although it seems that the family should work hard for bright future. The happy end is Moko reunites with the family with a clearer reconciliation of what to do to be a family and find the love (who is always her from the start).

A sandwich generation is what’s portrayed in the movie in which someone has to bear the family “burden” that is not supposed to be his. A younger brother takes care of his sister’s children plus another sister and her husband.

It is normal in Asian culture especially to middle to lower class society. Siblings finance other siblings for education. Aunts or uncle do like Moko. And so on.

The movie leaves me in awe on how a family is redefined, how the movie is produced (I don’t know though about cinematography so let’s skip it) and how the original story is composed with high complexity of sadness over sadness (this movie was a TV series back in 90’s, adapted from a story written by an Indonesian prominent author, Arswendo Atmowiloto).

As part of sandwich generation I consider this movie acts as a strong reminder that sandwich generation is an important part of a society.

If proportioned to the productive age population in Indonesia of 206 million, an estimated 56 million people fall into the sandwich generation category. In terms of age, the Indonesian sandwich generation is spread across all generations, from generation Z, Y, X, to baby boomers. (Kompas.id)

I like processing data to some extent but about this movie I am more interested in how to perceive sandwich generation from personal point of view rather than from socioeconomic that might complicate my opinions.

Back then I was angry knowing I was part of those needing to take the “burden” but then I learnt that life has chosen me to take the burden as a responsibility with many good reasons. Although I’m born into an economically decent family, life is so dynamic twisting the plot and tada! I’m a sandwich generation.

Although I feel bad about some people who has to be sandwich generation when they themselves in unfortunate situation like Moko; I still think those economically decent should have some sort heart to willingly help those needing genuine assistance.

Sandwich generation is not only tested with the responsibility itself (many stories tell about how they struggle with debts and uncertain future) but also with the way the support is responded. Some are thankful to supporter (sandwich generation) but others feel more need to enjoy success leaving the past untouched. I found that their being thankless is not a bad thing spiritually for the supporter, it is a good thing for the sandwich generation to train how to value their own self regardless. Is it easy? No! Yet life is to purify human beings’ intention to be decently kind. Please excuse me if I’m called “so pathetic and irresponsible” for saying so; however, when that’s the only choice, are you going to run away?

How did I watch the movie? I cried and laughed in almost 130 minutes of the show, while my friend slept (she was not interested in the movie, just wanted to hang out with me that very day).

There are some quotes I love the most from this movie.

  • There is nothing called debt in our own home. There is nothing called “fighting alone”.
  • As human beings who love, let’s fight for one another.
  • No matter how kind you are, you won’t be able to help everyone.

The soundtrack songs also all my favourite from Sal Priadi.

  • Kita Usahakan Rumah Itu

  • Besok Kita Pergi Makan

  • Mesra-mesraannya kecil-kecilan dulu

Just like Maurin (Moko’s love), I don’t continue being melancholic though as I am fully aware Moko (the sandwich generation in the family) also needs to ensure his own happiness. Moko just needs to know balance.He knows he can lead the family but he also needs to distribute responsibilities based on capability and accountability in the family.

To me the movie shows a learning journey on how to love, to trust each other, to share,  to fight with integrity, and balance perspectives and emotion in different situations.

It is one best Indonesian movie that I recommend to all age groups and all socioeconomic status.

How I wish this movie and those involved be appreciated with many awards and prizes in high profile festivals.

1 Kakak 7 Ponakan: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Highly Recommended!

Dreams Talk

Learning, Poetic, This Person
Dream asked me
"Do you trust me?"
Why, said I.

"Please do, I need wings to fly."
I stared at her,
Wondering who her wings were.

She didn't say a word. She moved her chin
Toward me.
I am? Asked I, surprised and delighted.

It started drizzling,
Breeze caressed my face.
I soared.

I heard soft voice swirling up
To the sky,
Flying with her smile.

How painful it was for both of us!
One was waiting, the other was not realizing.
How lucky we were to wake up in one morning together.

And we are still having fun,
Sitting in a swing hanging on a giant tree,
Thanking to each other.

dreams are those balancing her constant walks

Guided

Learning, love, Poetic

Guide me, Beloved
Traveling in this dark maze.
Keep my trust intact.

our work group is moved from building 1 to building 3 before later finally to building 2

how much ever we love building 1 (we all don’t like working in high floor), we must move as building 1 will only be used for new process bloody heaven knows what

what makes me rather ok with building 3 6th floor is that it has a “garden” that is very helpful for me who don’t enjoy low temperature for too long — today i stayed in the garden for 30′ to warm my body

it has some natural plant, but plastic grass 🙃

today was my 1st day in building 3 6th floor — i was lost going to toilet then guided by janitor, lost to pantry guided by unknown colleague, lost to find the lift guided by another unknown colleague

thank you!

Everything

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Everything, dear self
Has its own time, no delay.
There is never doubt.

when my doubt is unbearable, i will open the Quran and ask to be given one answer to my doubt — after some short meditative moment; i will randomly open a page and the first part that i see or point with my forefinger, i will simply take it as the answer

and this is the most recent one when i asked about doubt “…. and He has appointed a term in which there is no doubt.”

it might be a coincidence that the “no doubt” appeared to me when i asked about doubt

it is not a scientific process to make a decision, but i choose to believe it because i don’t want to lose the ability to rely on intuition in time when logic cannot help

it takes practices and acceptance to embrace this simple (speculative) way of making decision, and it takes humility (for a logical person like me) to humbly believe

thank you, Gusti 💕

Hope

Learning, love, Poetic
The sun rises, sets
At two ends to tell the time
To the open eyes.

—

I always become guilty when my nieces say they want to be like me after breaking up romantically. They might think being single is the best choice in that situation, which is true yet nothing is permanent. Don’t be too sure about what you think, that’s what I always tell those young ladies.

The wedding of my niece recently was truly one miracle to witness after so long she thought she would not trust marriage institution. She finally trusts a man, a lucky one as much as my niece is lucky to be married by that funny guy! 💝

Behind the wedding scene one of my nieces approached me and asked me questions and here is the interestingly funny abridged conversation.

N: Auntie, you still hope to get married?

Me: You?

N: You know what happened. I believe mother told you. She said to me you disagreed with my decision.

Me: Of course. You are young. No reason to not getting married.

N: You? Tell me.

Me: I am slightly different.

N: Old?

Me: Yes.

N: Are you abnormal?

Me: Like what?

N: Homosexual.

Me: No.

N: You hate men?

Me: No

N: You are afraid of being poor?

Me: I am not. But I won’t want to be poor.

N: So what makes you single for so long?

Me: The same as you.

N: Trust?

Me: Yes.

N: Do you think I can get my trust back faster than you?

Me: Yes. Look at Dan. It took her only some years to finally getting married.

N: I hope I can.

Me: When you still talk about hope, it means you will get it.

N: But I hope you get married first before I do. Please…

Me: I hope….

N: (she smiled and went to fetch some snack)

Sometimes you’ve gotta show your beloved how much hope you have to make them keep hoping for the best. To me although I have to pretend…. 😝

N: (she got back with some snack on a plate) Do you really hope? It’s been 16 years!

Me: 😂

—

never give up, dear kids — everyone has love to share
there’s always love in hope
💝

Love & Trust

Learning, love, Poetic
What is love and trust?
Wind and water pushing boat
Sailing to a land—

—

Yes, love can come mysteriously like Capt Nemo’s Nautilus suddenly emerged from sea surface. She might love one that she doesn’t logically expect to love at all. Love is an active emotion. If she loves, she does. If she doesn’t love, she doesn’t. Accept and embrace it with its pain and foolishness.

Yet, trust can promote or demote one to or from a position like how Capt Nemo finally trusted Aronnax, Ned and Conseil as his main crew in the submarine. Trust is a living action. Test and investigate it with loyalty and integrity. If she trusts, she’ll promote the one to an inner circle. If she distrusts, she demotes one to outer layer.

Aaah! Love is always sweet in word— just that some people don’t have sufficient vocabulary to express and to understand. Trust is always inevitable in number — just that some people are accustomed to data manipulating to look good and so hiding the fact.

Still loving you though 💕 💕

May all beings be happy.

(from Pinterest)

Marriage

Learning, life, love, Poetic, Those People
Married, Beloved,
To your shadow that follows
Wherever I go.

Divorced, Beloved,
From your doubt that hunts and haunts
Wherever I hide.

—-

One very long chat decorated a night. A childhood friend did sharing about what she had experienced when we were away for about 10 years, busy with our own life. This is her promise to tell the full story after giving hints and looking puzzled when meeting me.

She married thrice. First husband died of illness. Second abused and cheated her and so they divorced. Third one, this one has brought a lot of stories and enlightenment.

How she finally decided the third after the traumatic second has strengthened about my own lesson in life – acceptance. How she lets a seemingly perfect person be with her imperfect figure does add amazement about one of my loyalist. How she ignores words and stares from people disapproving her behaviours has told me she is still girl going foraging in the wild with me in our lively early age.

She hit me with some bitter comments about my complicated points. She ridiculed me for being so guarding and distant from risking broken heart to happen. She also highlighted how her love transforms to friendship that I would have not believed can happen to her – she is not a “friendship-friendly” type of person, she is a snapping turtle 😑

There are things she has regretted about all 3 decisions but the regret has brought her to a final realisation that her life has shaped her into a composed, mature woman strong yet flexible enough to be beautifully bent by the hardship of life. The pain pays off, she said. What a beautiful creature my dear friend is! 😘😘😘

This weekend has given me another package of lessons from our childhood. A blast from the past!

Weekend is still long. I’d better have more fun!

May all beings be happy! 🙏🏼

the commitment on paper needs realisation in 3 dimension reality with soul and trust – red torii in progress

Sunset

Learning, life, Poetic, Those People
Sunset, Beloved,
Serene pretty end of day
To be in your lap—

—-

I’ve limited contact with human beings for the past 2 years either due to the blessed pandemic or my own will. It feels good to seclude myself: doing what’s sweet and enriching, talking only to those encouraging and infusing positive vibes, working with all heart and soul.

Only calls from colleagues and family are those I’ve picked. Very very limited number of friends have been the preferred channels. The rest is next layers, not priority.

Only 6 people have been my favourite for the past one year — they are the easiest to laugh things with; at the same time the most serious to discuss crazy things with. We can talk about how stupid we are especially when in love 🤮 up to how we are afraid of dying ugly and in debt 😑

My mom and 2 older friends are kind of those I would respectfully listen with a twist – hey sometimes my ears are itchy too… My youngest brother and 2 same age friends are whom I impatiently argue with and patiently listen to each other. They are the definition of best friends of mine.

Thanks for becoming my sunrise, sunstroke and sunset. Beautiful friendship is about acceptance and trust! 💝

Alfatihah for you all my best people

sunset is beautiful reminding me of those sweet sour best friends 🥳

Amazing Day, Today

Learning, life, Poetic
Today, Beloved,
Filled with laughter of past times.
Bitter was, sweet is—
Time doesn’t heal. It turns taste,
Look. All is well. All shall pass.

—

Rendezvous with my best people, those who are always with ears to listen and to be listened to, with tongue to twist bitterness to wisdom, with foolishness to laugh at what’s not even funny but needing some appreciation.

Some people are amazing with just one reason called trust.

Blessed to have them.

Holiday is getting shorter. Let’s slow the steps and insert more meaningful conversations before it halts.

May all beings be happy.

🐣

TA – May 12, 2022 / 11:46am

Beautiful Scars

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
Bruised and scarred she is;
A stained-glass window to see
Both sides of her world.

————————————————————

22:22 / Sunday – June 6, 2021

I thought all of those were wounds and warts until observing carefully. I’ve been living with a beautiful stained-glass window which puts colours and gives unique perspectives when seeing inside and outside. As long as it doesn’t derail from being a human being, I think I’m blessed.

Why shouldn’t I be thankful and happy? 💞

And….

May all beings be happy.

Salam.

What I Trust

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
What is after this?
What shall we be transformed, Love?
Trust me, Beloved.

—

Trust is my key. It is with what I address what I can’t see behind the curtains. Be it good or bad, the journey is ahead. God bless each breath I take and the air I release….

May all beings be happy.

Let’s wear the key again….

Heart to Handle- haiku

Learning, Poetic

Count to a hundred.
See if heart silences, or
Drags you to market.

Temasek – August 26, 2019 / 14:49

My heart has been so annoying (not annoyed ya) recently. It brought me all troubles that had been tamed before. It unleashed all possible cries and shouts that will not only make the heart but also head crowded like a market.

Water wets you.

Fire burns you.

Wind blows you.

Earth buries you.

Maybe I’ve gotta play metal to my own self so it cages me safe in locked safe.

But no….

Dear Beautiful Soul, let go off all distrust. Friendship isn’t always about keeping secret but it is also about accepting a bad label because some secrets are jocularly consumable for public.

Dear Beautiful Self, forgive yourself for entrusting your honest secret to someone you don’t really know. It is a lesson that it is ok to be vulnerable. It is fine to be imperfect. It is nice to be angry when necessary. All is fine…. And forgive those that won’t have locked tongues for any reason.

Everything is ok.

You just take a break and fly across the sea.

Singapore to KL soon…. 👩🏽‍💻🎶