Tag: me

Forever

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
A strand of white pearls
Harvested in the deep sea
Bedazzles her neck.

————————————————————

There is time when I regret of what’s done and nervous about what will happen. Why did I do that? I should have done this. What if I fail again? I am not good enough.

I used to think money was everything with happiness but I prove that money is the biggest illusion in life that I misunderstood. Now I consider money should be merely a tool, never a purpose. Yet I still think of what if my company stock price decreases? 😁

I used to look for happiness and protection in a relationship. With experiences I become strongly convinced that only a healthy relationship with the self can help me cope with problems; moreover, without healthy relation with my self any relationship with others won’t work well. Yet I still don’t heal from broken heart easily and still think whether or not I will meet someone I can share some simple happiness and shelter with.

I was between life and death situations more than once for some illness before, and so helpless about future. And gradually I realise that death can come anytime even when people are healthy. Yet I still hope I die when I let go of any confusion and live in clarity.

However, there is time when I know that only in the now I can accept everything. In the now I can shed tears with mixture of gratefulness for what’s breaking my heart and blessings of what’s boosting the quality of life. In the now I can smile just by seeing piling laundry waiting for ironing. In the now I can see the canvas is the door of self healing. In the now I can imagine sending a cake full of love for my loved ones who live in many different places, whom I cannot visit with many reasons. In the now I can see shades of real and true happiness in each and every experience from wake up to sleep.

Thank you for the now and now and now that form a strand of pearls called forever.

I live forever until the last now meets with the first now.

Al Fatihah to all of my loved ones across the oceans. I bless you happiness.

Salaam….

back on track, contemplating with colours
do things with love, the definition of love? enjoying good things to the fullest or, in bad time enjoying the process with patience 💝
thank you, Emily for the message 🪶🙏🏽

Arid Land, His Heart

Learning, Poetic
I never want to hurt myself, I just didn’t know who you are.
I got hurt by a cactus in a desert
Who pricks little fingers,
Who just want to touch this life softly,
Not hurting, not taking anything away.


Wounded, I decided to blame stupidity:
Why did I have to have to have to have to have to just touch cacti? I should have left that arid land long before I touched a prickly spirit.


A delayed regret is less important than a lesson learned but it always gives a story the most significant pivot.


Now
I’ll just admire from here
From where I stand
With millions of prayers
For a secret journey.
Yet I know you are a ghost days and nights.


Someday when I pour down the rain,
You’ll know.
Love is as sweet as water in drought—
Maybe—
If it is not late....

May all beings be happy.

Heart to Handle- haiku

Learning, Poetic

Count to a hundred.
See if heart silences, or
Drags you to market.

Temasek – August 26, 2019 / 14:49

My heart has been so annoying (not annoyed ya) recently. It brought me all troubles that had been tamed before. It unleashed all possible cries and shouts that will not only make the heart but also head crowded like a market.

Water wets you.

Fire burns you.

Wind blows you.

Earth buries you.

Maybe I’ve gotta play metal to my own self so it cages me safe in locked safe.

But no….

Dear Beautiful Soul, let go off all distrust. Friendship isn’t always about keeping secret but it is also about accepting a bad label because some secrets are jocularly consumable for public.

Dear Beautiful Self, forgive yourself for entrusting your honest secret to someone you don’t really know. It is a lesson that it is ok to be vulnerable. It is fine to be imperfect. It is nice to be angry when necessary. All is fine…. And forgive those that won’t have locked tongues for any reason.

Everything is ok.

You just take a break and fly across the sea.

Singapore to KL soon…. 👩🏽‍💻🎶

What’s In A Cask – haiku

Learning, Poetic, This Person, Those People

What’s in the cask, Bruh?
Wine or tea? — I never know
Until the party starts.

Beware of a mind-twisting haiku!

This haiku contains a conversation between two fools who wanted to know what was inside a cask. Both were waiting for a party to start and hoped to enjoy the content of the cask. When would the party come? No idea, oye Fools…. 🙂

Life is like a party that never comes on time when a fool is only waiting for someone to open the cask. To enjoy the content of the cask, those fools should have openned it and spilled whatever inside it. Whether it is aged tea or old wine. A fool should be a fool, acting like a fool.

Don’t wait for the party to come. A real fool should get drunk just by an idea of what’s inside a cask….

Life is a comedy, where working is as addictive as drinking intoxicating substances.

Drink, Master! Drink!

Temasek – August 12, 2019 / 10:34am

 

Picture borrowed from: https://sobercollege.com/addiction-blog/workaholics/

Work-Addiction1

Masquerade – ranting

Learning, This Person, Those People

Life is about masquerading.
How well she acts under a mask determines what the crowds will give her.
Whether she is crying under a smiling mask, it doesn’t matter. What matters is her body languages correspond with the smiles in the mask.

Her cry in the heart will not resonate whatever frequency is spread through the air ‘coz the crowds don’t read the heart. They see the mask and they are wearing masks, too.

Dear, Mask.
How are you?
Are you happy there?
Or, do you need some touch-up of colors?
Let me do it.
I can put mascara, blush-on, eye-shadow, eyelashes or more colors on your lips.
Your smiles shall not fade away.
Otherwise, the crowds will be disappointed and go away.

Dear, Mask.
Do you know how I am?
I am crying for how long you are suffering to look good all the time.
Sobbing when you have to laugh out loud celebrating how grand the victory is.
Weeping to see the mask running low with sweat, tired of grinning at how splendid love looks.
You seem so young but I know you are weathered.
Don’t you want to take a break?

……

But hold on, Mask.
Hold on a second.
Let me think it over.
Let me reckon what I just said to you.
No, no, no.
Do you need to listen to what I said?
Yes, you should.
But should you change?
No!
It is a big no-no.

I am happy that I am here for you.
I am what I am as you are what you are.
I am your shadow, where you can hide for a while.
I am your sanctuary, where you can take shelter.
I am your bin, where you want to dump all your hazardous wastes of make-up.
I am your Lover.
I can be your Beloved, too.

Dear, Mask.
Be a good mask.
Play the best acting as you can.
If life is a joke, let yourself be the greatest Joker.
When life orders pretension, be the greatest Pretender.
You take the best Role in this Life,
With me beyond your Play.

evening-of-hope-feature

Dear, Mask.
Just don’t forget that….
There is the Playwright.
Never ever take action without His bloody instruction.

Dear, Mask….
“Camera! Action!”

Singapore – August 11, 2019 / 10:45pm

Picture borrowed from https://myvancity.ca/2016/01/14/evening-of-hope-gala/

Experience Sharing – ranting

Learning, This Person, Those People

I’ve lived in this tiny country for more than six years and experience is the one making me the richest. I’m sharing you one most frequent.

I’m physically very ordinary, almost ugly, dark, chubby, short, not fashion conscious. And all in all I am poor or look poor – my source of income is only my monthly salary and some bonus from the company, other than that nothing. So, people can expect unexpected from an “I am” and will think that they can’t use me in a way but suddenly they would get crazily lured to use me up to the driest point when they know who I am — who am I? Nobody.

Ok. Time to rant —

One experience today,

I went to Funan Mall in City Hall area to buy rear light for my bike missing after my minor accident to the office and a tote back to be installed in my dear bike. As normal as a customer ever I greeted the shopkeeper and asked politely if I can get a spare of rear light.

Shopkeeper: What type is your bike?

Although confused with his question I answered “the one with M handle bar”.

Shopkeeper: This is a rear light. You know it or not?

I nodded and said yes.

Shopkeeper: Hey, you know the price or not?

I got a bit heated up because of his constantly high tone since I greeted him, so I politely challenged him: Why are you asking me about the price? I thought it is $45. Is it still the same?

Shopkeeper: So why did you tell me about the handle bar?! And you know the price is $45!

Hmm…. Rude guy! I was guessing he was testing me if I really intended to buy or just walked around the new store.

“Sir, you asked me about what type of bike I have then asked me about how much is the rear light of my bike. Now you are shouting at me as if I hurt your pride?” said I politely.

Shopkeeper: Sure you can buy or not?

I went away with poker face without looking at him then approached the other guy who was younger and nicer.

…. Another experience some months ago

I met a specialist in one of the best hospitals in the city and spent quite a lot to treat my disease. I shared with someone – let’s call her a friend.

Friend: Why didn’t you go to government hospital, it gives you cheaper package with the same quality of service. In this country medical services are quite standardised, only thing if you go to private ones you spend much more. Poor people deserves poor service!

I couldn’t say anything but smiled. I didn’t explain to her that I’m not a citizen or permanent resident that will get such privilege including the medical services. As a human being – knowing whether I am poor or rich – she shouldn’t have said the last sentence to anyone. Anyone, even if really poor

This Friend is still around me. I’m still good to her. And just FYI, it was not her first sharp words that were thrown to my face. I always tell myself that she is just being her, not more not less.

…. Another experience some years ago

I entered the office lobby. Today I would meet my interviewers for the final job interview. I was nervous, happy, worried and excited at the same time. Holding my Blackberry with both hands, I headed to the receptionist.

“Good morning, Ma’am.”

“You want meet who?” Oh my…. The Singlish was a striking welcome to me. 😃

“I’d like to meet with Ms X and Mr Y for job interview.”

“You Rike Jo ha?”

“Yes, I’m Rike Jo, Ma’am.”

“Sit first la. I’ll call them. You can’t use Blackberry, only iPhone here ya. Can not connect internet for browsing la.”

Oh my goodness. What a joke! I’m here to get a job, not to connect to internet.

“Hey, you from where? Indon?”

“Indonesia, Ma’am.”

“Ok Indon ya.”

“Indonesia, Ma’am.”

“Ok ok ok. Sit there, wait for 10 minutes they’ll come.”

Oh my god. And later I found that that receptionist was in-house subcontractor – the worst ever of liking to boss around and boast around talking about the company employees whom she didn’t really like so much. And more importantly, we are not prohibited to use any brands of gadgets in the office – but why bother using other brands if your own brand is the best on earth?! 😊

I still have my other stupendous and enriching experiences but it is too much for me to tell random samples of people from various factors who have judged people by their sole blurry eyes. Let it be, let it be.

Those people have judged me with their shallow mind, unfair position, misleading intention, partial data, insufficient information and the most of it with their pompous arrogance of being superior than someone coming from their backyard.

I am normally just feeling upset then immediately back to normal but today I was so fed up with those people. I pray that they know their points of view are not enough to evaluate others. They need distance, method and clarity to view then evaluate others. They should think before they say. They should listen to understand and not to reply. They should see before they leap…. Or else someday they will fall down and break down.

I will stay here for at least the next 5 years before I’m back to a human being without formal profession. By then I will have been a mature lady who knows that the world is spinning because some good guy accept others’ stupidity as learning curve, weigh others’ unfairness as a self reminder to be always stable, embrace one’s own anguish as the warmth among the cold ignorance of the modern people, and arrange all those into a beautiful arrangement of balancing points.

I still have many good friends here that make my life so beautiful and peaceful. And I will just be their good one, too.

Life is so colourful. I’ll enjoy it, with some ranting on at times….

Salam….

Khatib, July 26, 2019 – 21:03

The Shoes Are Waiting – ranting

Learning, This Person, Those People

Putting your feet in someone’s shoes isn’t as simple as putting a book at a shelf after reading it. Putting your feet in others’ shoes involve complication of thoughts and risks.

What if the size isn’t yours?

What if the smell isn’t into your tolerance?

What if the design doesn’t fit your feet type?

Is it safe? What if there are creepy crawly in the old shoes?

Is it healthy? What if the owner has skin problem?

And what if the owner doesn’t even let you put your feet there?

Stop!

What if you just have to be willing or not to put your feet in someone else’s shoes?

Period.

On GA822 before flying to my second home — Singapore

July 16, 2019 – 20:30

The Theophany of Perfection – Muhyiddin Ibn ‘Arabi

Learning, love, Map It!, Poetic

The Theophany of Perfection
Muhyiddin Ibn ‘Arabi

Listen, O dearly beloved!
I am the reality of the world, the centre of the circumference,
I am the parts and the whole.
I am the will established between Heaven and Earth,
I have created perception in you only in order to be the object of My Perception.
If then you perceive Me, you perceive yourself.
But you cannot perceive Me through yourself.
It is through My Eyes that you see Me and see yourself,
Through your eyes you cannot see Me.

Dearly beloved!
I have called you so often and you have not heard Me.
I have shown Myself to you so often and you have not seen Me.
I have made Myself fragrance so often, and you have not smelled Me,
Savorous food, and you have not tasted Me.
Why can you not reach Me through the object you touch
Or breathe Me through sweet perfumes?
Why do you not see Me? Why do you not hear Me?
Why? Why? Why?

For you My delights surpass all other delights,
And the pleasure I procure you surpasses all other pleasures.
For you I am preferable to all other good things,
I am Beauty, I am Grace.
Love Me, love Me alone.
Love yourself in Me, in Me alone.
Attach yourself to Me,
No one is more inward than I.
Others love you for their own sakes,
I love you for yourself.
And you, you flee from Me.

Dearly beloved!
You cannot treat Me fairly,
For if you approach Me,
It is because I have approached you.
I am nearer to you than yourself,
Than your soul, than your breath.
Who among creatures
Would treat you as I do?
I am jealous of you, over you,
I want you to belong to no other,
Not even to yourself.
Be Mine, be for Me as you are in Me,
Though you are not even aware of it.

Dearly beloved!
Let us go toward Union.
And if we find the road
That leads to separation,
We will destroy separation.
Let us go hand in hand.
Let us enter the presence of Truth.
Let It be our judge
And imprint Its seal upon our union
For ever.

 

Temasek – December 5, 2018 – 20:53 (when I’m sick)

Picture is borrowed from mezquita.html

mezquita_interior_cabecera

Reflection – ranting

Learning, love, This Person

Just yesterday I told myself to stop ranting, today I am using the same word “ranting” for my posting title.

Please just consider it a sign that I’ll write longer than haiku, my favorite type of poem.

Ok, so….
I stand in front of mirror everyday, at least twice a day.
And I see the same person, me–
But with different expressions. Sometimes I look ok, sometimes not. Sometimes I look fresher, sometimes dull and duller. Sometimes I look beautiful, sometimes ugly and uglier. But most of all I feel that I can look better than current condition.

Is that normal? Let’s say yes.

The only thing that is not normal is…. How can I say to myself again and again that I can look better than this but then the next day I can feel that I look worse?
Is it because I don’t commit to look better?
Or is it my mind hijacking me?

Whatever.

Let’s do this again: stand in front of the mirror, say to myself “Hey, You. You are you yourself. If you realize that it is yourself, don’t compare yourself to others cause whomever they are you compare yourself with won’t ever reach your level and nor will you to theirs. You have your own pedestal to be you. And they have theirs to be them. Stop feeling more or less. It is you, the best you however you are.”

And, now I’m standing in front of my real reflection.

Does it guarantee I’m a good person?

No…. It is just a ranting old lady. 🙂

Kaohsiung – April 12, 2018 – 19:12

Below is a picture of mine with a giant durian — you’ve gotta see if I am more interesting than the durian hahaha….

patung duren di malaysia