Carnation, dear love
Blooms in February for you.
It vibes with this heart.
Carnation
Tag: weekend vibe
Garden In My Heart
I've grown flowers and big trees
In my heart.
There's a pond with small fish playful and harmless;
Water lilies and lotuses dancing and entertaining.
You send breeze, she sings happily.
You send rain, she drinks sufficiently.
You send storm, she cries sadly.
You send snow, she freezes deadly.
Whatever you send, she feels blessed abundantly, so much loved.
This morning she said to me that
If you send yourself, she'll live forever.
pond near the dining room in D’Omah Jogja — breakfast feels slow with the waiters’ giving us more time to choose the ala carte menu, and meaningful with the long waiting time that diners can have more time to calmly chat in the morning
Hopping Frog
Hopping frog plays in a corner
Trying to escape
From fear of missing out.
It doesn't know the corner is safe
Protecting it
From a busy mind.
a frog near the door of my home in D’Omah Jogja
In Between
In between if there is a gap,
It's to bridge,
Not to separate.
if you are between two, quit; said I to myself always 😊
Lone Ranger & Tonto
Kemosabe!
Today I’ve been thinking a lot about who have been my true friends. There are a few and still in touch offline or online.
Not many indeed–
I’ve always been a Lone Ranger meeting the Tonto who is another Lone Ranger meeting the Tonto. My Tonto is my Lone Ranger and at the same time I am a Lone Ranger for a Tonto.
One characteristic that never misses my Tonto is they are trustworthy, knowing much about local wisdom, hard working, skillful in daily life and laughing beautifully.
We would never leave each other except space and/or time separates us. When I need help, my Tonto help me. When they need help, I would let myself willingly be a help.
About the movie most spectators think Lone Ranger is the only main character in the story, forgetting that Tonto definitely has a grand story of life just not exposed in a movie. In my story of life I’ve thought of being the Lone Ranger who is a main character in a story but I will never forget that Tonto is a primary character in their story and so I need to be their humble sidekicks as needed.
Today I am thinking a lot about who have been my true best friends. And I will always keep them as part of my growth– best part.
I’ve lost Tonto, too but still it was part of my growth.
Thank you, today for the serenity.
although I like the 2013’s movie, my true vibe of Lone Ranger and Tonto was way back to this Lone Ranger cartoon
Many Days She Does (revised)
Many days emit many emotions.
They show off how well
Life is capable of
Playing human beings with different stories.
She laughs.
She cries.
She reads.
She writes.
She sings.
She hums.
She does, even when she doesn't.
All with all her loving heart; or when doing things, she fills her heart with love.
sometimes I cry, not always because of sadness, sometimes I do because I feel so much loved….
Sebening Senja (Letto, Song)
to myself: keep the faith
to everyone: enjoy your weekend
About Aging
The world keeps spinning.
The body ages with time.
Trip in alignment--
Don’t be afraid of becoming old. Aging is truly a blessing.
With the gray hair I feel wisdom befriends with me. Still I have freedom to dye it to look radiant.
With the wrinkle on the skin I find kindness and understanding unfolds. Yet it is not wrong to put skincare to look healthy and fresh.
With weaker eyes I find my mind is sharper evaluating my self and environment. I can still wear reading spectacles to keep reading to refresh brain.
With less hydrated joints and less dense bones I move more slowly cum gracefully. There is no harm though to do sports regularly.
With fewer friends I still get good updates accurately about how the world spins and enjoy true relationship with little to no condition.
Eventually aging is about knowing that soul will release the physical body when they body is ultimately deteriorated, when time is up. I just need to ensure that this body knows she is never alone or lonely in the separation process.
Celebrate life!
see you next month, Hanoi
Doubted
This heart's umbrella.
Doubted, she's up to protect
And to let all go.
once i was doubted and so i let all go — it is humiliated to be distrusted while the heart is true
Beautiful
You're so beautiful
Glowing among sailing clouds
Bringing memories.
beautiful as a pure heart
A Mother (ranting)
If I'm a mother,
I'd be my children's student
And their wisdom guide.
I had a Sunday cafe date with a friend while she was accompanying her son having taekwondo class nearby.
Like usual only with this friend I can always agree to go out of my home at weekend except when I am really caught up with urgent work. With her (and her husband and children) I can talk freely with loud laughter without being afraid of any judgement. They are perhaps my closest friends here in Singapore.
One of the today’s topics was mother.
We know quite a bit about both of our journey of relationship with mothers. As daughter we had almost the same experience of dealing with mother: acceptance to be a daughter of a woman with very different mindset and nurturing experience.
Our acceptance to our mother’s love evolved beautifully. Both of us have realised how much our mothers love us and how much we both love those women called mother. It was just a matter of positioning based on respect and understanding. It is always about knowing what and how love manifests in life.
oolong tea, thanks for witnessing friends’ laughter and genuine talk
That she is herself a mother of two children has taught her what a mother’s love means. To me I experienced various conflicts and arguments with my mother until at one point I realised how hard it was to be in her position and how hard to me to accept the fact that I have to accept my position before her culturally, biologically and ethically.
This friend likes to share with me how she raises her kids and the vice versa, I also like to give case studies and see how she treats some situations. Among all married friends she might be the one I would like to be like in most situations, not all as we still have different opinions in some topics if I am a mother (I know it is just an if as I don’t even have a hope to be someone’s wife at this age). She is open to communicate with her kids and husband up to a level of sitting at a round table to openly argue about things; at the same time she has her boundary at which point a mother stops to force and at which line a child must respect parents.
Today’s was our last 2024’s meet-up. She will fly to Karuizawa, Japan on Dec 11 until end of year and I will finish my work before end-of-year’s home country leave for a short while.
This friend always makes me miss my mother.
Ibu, I will call you tomorrow morning…. Know that I will always love you . Know that I will say yes if you become my mother again in my next life.
💗
Fresh Weekend
The mangos that fly from across the sea,
The nectarines that stare at me,
The plums that hide among their fellow fresh,
The trio that will not stop fascinating me
Until I happily cry
To close the weekend.
Refreshing tears into
Fresh weekend--
what is fresher than a basket of fruit?
You Are
You are butterflies
Flying around my heart
Tickling me to whisper
I love you.
But where are
You?
Hiding behind signs
That I've misunderstood,
Disguised between symbols
That I've wrongly guessed,
None is solely for me.
Sunflowers To Sun
Their yellow petals
Look out to a Sunday rain
And whisper
"Dear, Sun. Our beauty decorates a home showered by rain, waiting for your ray. Don't hide too long."
sunflowers looking out to a rainy Sunday whispering to the hiding Sun
Show of Light
Tell me, Beloved,
Your light shows me light journey.
These steps are now light.
me and Blue, ready to greet the wet earth after rain
hi, home 💕
what will be across the resevoir?
light on the railway
An Empty Jar
I will love you
As an empty jar
Waiting for streams of words
Telling me stories,
Containing drops of secrets
Petrifying in our soul,
Concocting ingredients of ideas
Writing beautiful love stories,
Catching breeze of affection
Weaving sheet of loyalty.
loving you like i am an empty jar
An Empty Jar
She's an empty jar
Longing for your rain to pour.
Fragrance of dried clay--
what do we want to pour into ou empty jar? blessings or cursing? love or ignorance? up to us–
About That Period (sweet memory) #2
Sep 2019 was a big milestone in my life. I joined a daily-life-experience-based workshop called “Self Discovery” in Hawick, Edinburgh. I still felt mild headache and minor discomfort everyday as I tried to cut off my pain killer intake but the different daily life totally poles apart from my tropical life gave me unusual strength to complete the workshop.
Chisholme House from the hill
I met other students and many others (facilitators, care takers and guests) who shared spiritual journey experience. I heard a lot of stories from them; life experiences that instead of breaking the people, the experiences rebuilt them to be human beings with holistic perspective about life. Some of them experienced much worse situation than most; imagine someone who was physically abused as a child then suffered from deadly disease and left by her spouse with weak reason; someone physically abused by her spouse while being a financial supporter, someone suffering from huge bankrupcy and left by family, losing marriage and all family members, etc….
My situation (both physical discomfort and silent mental breakdown) compared to theirs seemed to be a tennis ball compared to basketball or even this globe. Just because of getting no menses and the growth in the brain and I’d played so big a drama as if I’d lost my life…. Come on, human!
the hill from Chisholme House
They indirectly helped me wake up from long hibernation. I silently thanked them in daily prayers among daily household chores: cleaning the house and yard, ironing linens, cooking the meals, making the dining table, washing the dishes, harvesting potatos, walking up and down the hill almost everyday to pray in the monument (this one was not mandatory, my own fave), cleaning the toilets, morning meditation, daily discussion (intense yet enlightening), weekly dzikr with the rest of participants (students, facilitators, care takers, guests), and so on and so forth. Life is about doing things even when it is simply making a flower arrangement for the dining table.
Maddy in the dining room where we all exchanged joy among other activities — dear God, i’d like to be there at least once again
Going back home, I was still the same person just with clearer perspective about life and with fondness to do household chores (this was truly good foundation to face the pandemic). Life is about experiencing what is by firmly embracing genuine intension, about accepting what is but never giving up good hopes and dreams, about sharing what’s granted without letting myself become broke, about becoming a human being.
I went home with a liberated mind. I promised to love myself fully by embracing that whether I had my menses or not, I was still a woman. I pledged in silence that I would take care of my body, mind and spirit better. The soul? Soul is soul, pure and healthy but probably blurr in dim — once the body, mind and spirit get healthy and balanced, the soul gets brighter and clearer.
Oct 18, 2019 was an important day: 1st day of giving up my hijab, the fashion I’d worn since I was 17– a small move that hugely changed details of my life. I gave it up with genuine intention and sufficient knowledge after my final contemplation during my workshop in the UK. I wanted to give up something that made me think that I was a fake because of doing it halfheartedly. I made it clear that although I didn’t wear hijab, I still could be a good human being.
I gained confidence and compliment from those respecting my decision but I also lost trust and connection from those considering me lost in the dark. I got one most hitting statement from someone saying “No worry, you are lost, Allah will guide you back.” But I also received compliments about clarity, bravery and honesty. So be it, both don’t bother me.
😊❣️
Walking home that day I felt very uncomfortable with my body, something I never had before. But I just accepted whatever it was. Reaching home, I found out of getting my menses — the first after 10 years!
So much hustle as I was not ready with whatever was needed for this supposed-to-be-regular-but-gone-for-10-years thing.
I got my menses! Until today some of friends still mocked me “You remember when you got your 1st menses at 44? Like a euphoric! While others probably would say damn I’ve got menses again so annoying!”
Until today I will say thank you everytime the menstruation comes although I have to feel 1 day or two of discomfort. It is a blessing that I missed before, it is a blessing that I thank every month and forever.
The endocrinologist decreased the medication dosage. He just said that there would be the next MRI to check the size of the growth. I am still taking the medicine but only 1.5 dosage per week, much lesser than before. My prolactin is still within 400-500, checked every 3 months with other kinds of blood test included to see my overall condition. Alhamdulillah….
I don’t deny the excitement and gratefulness of getting my menses back. This proof that the previous diagnose was wrong has rejoiced me. However, I don’t want to glorify it; someday I will get menopause (once again) sooner or later 😁.
with all that i’ve gone through, how can i deny this?
The most important thing is that my brain tumor has shrunk significantly. No daily headache. No daily discomfort. No uncertain anxiety. No vague expectation anymore.
I accept me. I accept my life.
2019 is a year when this human being stood up again in humble stance on life and clear sight about hers. The 10-year bitterness has turned to be a sweet memory.
Thanks for the journey, Beloved.
A Date
A date, Beloved,
Gives energy and sweetness
To life. A blessing--
Have a good weekend, everyone❣️
today i had a date with a good friend and her son in Thomson Plaza; while Vito the son was having tuition, his mother and I enjoyed our Korean lunch then coffee in Ya Kun Kaya
then i accompanied them to dentist for teeth cleaning before heading to Columbus for her son’s wafel and our french fries
Thomson Plaza is our favorite place as it is not far from our houses (1 bus, no exchange), it is where her son takes his English tuition, there is no tourist and it is close to Upper Thomson neighborhood where nice cafes and restaurants are located
About That Period (sweet memory) #1
I was born an emotionally sweet and fragile, physically weak girl but there was time when I became a sour and bitter woman.
This is my first time telling this openly about what happened to me in a 10-year period.
One fine day in 2010 I realised that I didn’t get my menses for 3 months and so I went to doctor who referred me to an obgyn. Around that time too I started sufferring from headache.
The obgyn did some check including but not limited to a USG. The obgyn gave me pills and asked me to return some time later. Long story short the doctor said I experienced an early menopause.
I was shocked and frustrated as I always loved children and wanted to have my own. I decided to go for a second opinion to another obgyn expecting a more relieving fact. Unfortunately it was the same diagnose.
Early menopause itself ruined my life, what made me even more hopeless was the way the doctors communicated to me. They said it amusingly “You experience early menopause, so there is no chance to have babies. I am sad for you. Blahblahblah…. Dadada….”
Of course I knew and probably they wanted to make the distressful situation lighter. Ya, some people are just insensitive with or without purpose, but I wish such professionals know their work ethics.
Starting that day I closed down my dreams of having relationship romantically because I had no gut to be humiliated for being an early-menopause woman and never told anyone about the condition.
I focused on work and spirituality like nothing else matters.
I was a self secluded woman who refused to open my heart even to someone who seemed to devotedly love me. I would throw sour face to those approaching me. It was not because they didn’t deserve me; to the contrary I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I felt less woman than a woman should have been.
I moved to Singapore in Feb 2013 with more intense work that I’d really loved. I didn’t make friends except with three ladies outside work (my best friends until today), the rest was just work, work, work.
I only met a group of fellow auditors from my ex companies for dinner when I had biz trip to Jakarta. Or, I would go to Bali at long weekends. And, I visit my mother occasionally. With my packed biz trip schedule no one thought I was but so tired that I had no time to meet others.
No one knew until one day one closest friend noticed and said “Sister, you always have a full-fasting Ramadhan. How lucky you have been, like every year you fast for 30 days without period.”
Note: a muslim woman is prohibited to do fasting in Ramadhan during her menstruation
I decided to disclose to her. She didn’t comment any but I knew she was as brokenhearted as I was.
In 2018 I went to a noble silence retreat in Bali with the purpose of calming down my daily headache that hadn’t stopped since the time I stopped my menses that became unbearable. The meditation teacher Pak Merta Ada told me to do a thorough check to my head, he noticed a strong heavy energy there.
Getting back to Singapore, I consulted to my doctor and she did what was needed.
No breast and uterus problem. No diabetes. No cholesterol issue. No uric acid. Just a slight kidney issue that was cured with just 1-month medication. But….
…. My prolactin was 29,000 in me. It was Dec 2018.
Dr Lee referred me to an endocrinologist and the endocrinologist said “There is a growth in your brain and let’s find out what it is through MRI”. It was Jan 2019.
My intelligent kind doctor gave me medication and told me “Be patient. It may take some time. But when you get your menses back, it means the medicine works.”
“I can get my menses back?!!!” I still remember how nervous I was saying that.
“Yes. The menses stopped because your prolactin has been soaring high even beyond a pregnant or nursing woman. Once your prolactin returns to normal, you’ll be back normal. But it will take some time. Let’s just do our part lah. Don’t expect too much lah.” It was Feb 2019.
I became so excited that I would get my menses back.
Months later my daily headache became milder. As an illustration I took 2-4 pain killer pills per day before for years and now I took once a day sometimes none.
But my menses didn’t come back.
I made peace with myself and committed not to demand too much. Yet I felt some significant shift in my behavior. I felt an “old me” re-appeared– the sweet me.
I wanted to wear dress so I gave up all my jeans. I bought dresses, grew long hair, put more lipstick again. I gave up my sneakers, moccasin and backpack then changed them with ballet shoes, feminine types of bag and jewelry!
The sweetness that evaporated found her way home. It was mid of 2019.
Gosh! I feel it a bit draining to write this. Let me continue in my next blog if I have the drive.
i focused on work and took classes and workshops of spirituality only to find that life is about accepting what is and sharing willingly; i felt love around me but didn’t know how to express it, i was afraid that my sweetness would be misunderstood as flirtation so i just kept myself secluded in that 10 years
i didn’t mind others showed how fun their life was, while i kept it humble and low key — i just wanted to feel useful as a human being as actually deep down i felt less and useless as a woman
only very few people knew well who i was either because they were in the same spiritual journey or they reached the destination, still i didn’t want to be close to anyone incl those knowing my inner journey
(RC Gorman’s work of art)
You
This journey is a quiet seating with
You.
Whether you get stuck or flow or flood, I won't leave
You but
I leave it to
You
Wholeheartedly.
this is me surrendering to
You
take me in your love gently like a breeze in a warm day
Dear River
Dear, River.
Flow
Freely
If you don't want me.
We'll see
Each other
In the sea.
sometimes i am not part of a flow and i am ok…. i will flow with myself beautifully to
You in the sea
You, Too? Or Just Me?
I
Don't know you
But know you.
You fly with the cotton candy
Around me in the sky.
You dive with the schools of fish
Next to me in the water.
You grow with the root
Beside me in the earth.
You are everything around me.
You run with me when I walk.
You swim with me when I play in the water.
You soar with me when I fly.
You are with me everytime.
You breathe with me.
You throb with me.
You vibe with me.
You are everywhere with me.
Everyone might question me
"How dare you!"
Every one will do to me.
I
Know you
But don't know you.
Only time will tell
If your signs are true
Or false.
Only time will tell
When we shake our hands
And say hi.
Only time will tell
If I know you
Or know not.
maybe it is just me living in my dream, and you are the unreached reality
💕
Journey
Journey's, Beloved,
A trip with destination.
Enjoy each moment.
everyone is leaving home to go home, by air, by water, by land, by soul, by spirit, by mind, by heart, by love, by any means…. just going home
The Master
The Master, Beloved
Shows me how beauty is made
And destroyed. That's life.
Ibu Tien is a senior batik artisan who has been my main source of my Yogyakartan classical batik collection. As a Javanese I never want to even sit at the same level with a master; I will sit at least one level lower from them at least when being in a frame. 💕 She is about 15 years older than me. Other then her Mbak Izzah, Ibu Tien’s daughter in law is another master of Yogyakartan classical batik
Mbak Izzah preparing my package; this stack was not one-time haul, many of them are those started 2 years ago — yes, one sheet of batik can be processed up to two years, mine was because some colouring process was done in another city (Solo) and some batik makers had to pause the batik process to go to rice field (taking care and harvesting rice)
Wukir Sari, Imogiri, Oct 25, 2024
Mbak Fitri is a master of “batik nitik” who becomes my main facilitator for “batik nitik” collection. She is the one introducing me to the senior batik artisans who dedicate themselves to this tradition. I sat down on the floor and made her sit at the chair although she strongly refused; my respect to this master although younger than me. 💕
Mbak Fitri’s artisans at the studio
Bangun Jiwo, Kasihan, Oct 26, 2024
Brewing Dream
Brewing dream, dear love
Is tea and water in kettle
And temperature.
tea leaf brewed with cinnamon this afternoon
chamomile tea brewed this morning
Slow & Steady
It' slow and steady,
Snails throw a party with me.
Everyone's happy.
look at how they party: slow and steady, they didn’t stop climbing up the plant but i didn’t see their movement but suddenly one was already up on one leaf — fascinating nature
Flow
Flow, Beloved
To where love brings
You.
There was a steep rock,
You fell again.
This time it might take longer
To flow calm.
Believe there won't be time dilation
And journey will be just fine.
nothing, it’s just a flowing river enjoying her journey
🤍
Life She Wishes
Life she wishes is
Simple and easy
Only when earth spins new.
And it does every moment
She accepts each day.
Yet it doesn't at a moment
She looks away.
in which food is harmless and healthful
where compassion and kindness is strength, not weakness
when showing excitement is vulnerably acceptable
where dreaming is guided instead of discouraged
where balancing is an art well appreciated
in which different perspective is part of thinking
where nature is safely kept and befriended
where she can freely kiss the soul
where friendship is about sharing the light in the beautiful dark
where romance is a pair of old souls wrapped in young hearts walking in a genuine fun friendship
where living is here now, not later somewhere else
…. where awareness wakes up due to a light touch of the presence of a soft feather
Bloom Wherever You Are
This flower blooms
In a hottest day,
In a beautiful garden,
In a cold hallway.
It just blooms
No matter what.
Just bloom
And come what may.
my driver dropped me in the wrong gate yesterday and just drove away; he drives very well but doesn’t understand English (yes, he is a driver not a tour guide 😁) yet it was a blessing in disguise: i walked a bit and met these flowers on the way — beauty greets me everywhere when my heart is light
red roses in the hotel courtyard, tantalising colour
a pot of orchid, to the lift
rike jokanan 
You must be logged in to post a comment.