graphs of my Universe
Weekend in Hanoi means walking around a lake, this time the West Lake. It was fun especially when closed with facial treatment in one local spa, May Spa.
Hanoi has a lot of spas named May but my friend said this is the “original” May Spa. Ok, I took the chance to relax there with facial treatment.
Hoa, the one doing the treatment was a polite woman who did her job very gently and thoroughly. Thank you, Hoa.
Let’s face the next week with the vibe!
with the daughter of the spa owner, cute!
The light, Beloved
Knocks on this heart with a song
That hums love and hope.
Nature, Beloved
Where I plant true self of mine
That springs up lushly.
I saw this scarf in LUSH and got charmed with its theme; it’s a natural resources map from where LUSH source the raw material of its products
Indonesia: coconut oil, patchouli oil (both my favourites)
it will be a gift to an old friend who’s been raised in agriculture family. I hope she likes it.
A home, Beloved
Is never far, it's now here
In this very heart.
I thought building a house was easier than building a relationship. In fact it was as challenging. Even with money I can’t make it happen as a home is built also with love & trust; both must be there, the absence of either will collapse the plan & block the execution.
Korine Jati, my home, was planned to be ready some time ago but with some reasons, she has to wait patiently for some time to host the housewarming with my family and friends. Reasoning was made there (and beyond my capability to handle) but the actual thing is Korine Jati’s timing was not yet coming & I have to accept it without blaming anyone in the process.
It caused me problems by then & affected some aspects of life but now I’m ok.
Bismillah.
Korine Jati is restarting & with God’s grace she shall be ready within 2025.
To all that have helped in the process, matur sembah nuwun (thank you in Javanese).
I’m not resentful; I was simply upset. It’s just the way it is.
Thank you.
Kitchen calls, my love
Those in love with life and taste
And the folks in heart.
today’s ifthar with so much love
we call it bothok not the Botox injection — it’s tempeh, anchovy in grated coconut + santan wrapped by my hands in banana leaves 😍
sayur asem (sour soup) normally the sourness is from tamarind but today I used buah kedondong peel
Japanese cracker that I love always
still the Bac Ninh oranges
kedondong
What's for today's joy?
Colourful and full of taste
On a wooden tray
today’s ifthar
salad for fresh evening from my fridge
kolak (stew of sweet yam, aloe vera and sago pearl) from my kitchen
orange from Bac Ninh, Hanoi
steamed rice cake from Bengawan Solo
I speak with you
With no language.
When with you,
I know no time.
In you I find me.
In me I find you.
Then we separate
To miss each other,
To love
With no limit.
Peace and joy, my love,
Cheerfully dances with smiles
Or dives to the deep.
my dolphin earrings today reminded me that life should be experienced with some taste of peace and joy
Beshara is a name for the perspective that there is only one unlimited existence, expressing itself infinitely as a gift of love.
The potential to realise this truth lies within every human heart.
The awakening and realisation of this potential is the aim of this education.
The word Beshara is originally Aramaic, its meaning can be rendered as “good news” or “omen of joy”. It indicates the very positive and valuable effect that any movement towards a more inclusive and harmonious perspective represents.
(https://beshara.org/)
In the UK , and the west in general, the 1960’s were a time of great questioning of the established order. Many people began to realise that there was more to life and another way to be than simply continuing in the ways of previous generations. For some this was youthful rebelliousness, others were directly inspired to seek a wider vision based on love and beauty. Most were young, and some were old. What emerged as Beshara was intrinsic to this cultural shift, and over time the Beshara School was established in order to promote the principle of the unity of existence and its cultural implications to all who might benefit.
Instrumental in this process was Bulent Rauf. Born in Istanbul in 1911, Bulent had received a traditional Ottoman education at home, and gone on to receive the best of Western education at Cornell and Yale in the US. His interest in ‘esoteric’ or inner education came from his family on both sides being steeped in the culture of the unity of all existence as propounded by the great mystics of the Middle East, especially Ibn Arabi and Rumi. Arriving in England in the mid 1960’s, Bulent recognised the need for ideas and insights that had been the sole preserve of a few mystics and spiritual masters to become part of an education available to all.
There were others groups meeting in London at this time, including those following Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan (of the Sufi Order in the West) as well as Christian healing groups. Large weekend gatherings were also held under the auspices of Sir George Trevelyan at Attingham Park in Shropshire. It was a time when diverse groups came together and in 1971 a centre was set up at Swyre Farm in Gloucestershire, headed initially by Reshad Feild who had met Bulent Rauf a couple years earlier and was also a representative of Pir Vilayat. A trust with a board of trustees was set up and was initially chaired by Peter Dewey, a trainee priest. The name Beshara appeared after consultations with Bulent Rauf and the trust became the Beshara Trust. Bulent recognised that knowledge would focus the expansiveness of love that would otherwise dissipate as times changed and introduced the study of Ibn ‘Arabi to complement that of Rumi and others. The curriculum of the school had begun to form.
People from all over the world, including many from the USA, gravitated to Swyre Farm and began to receive an education in the unity of existence. After a couple of years it was felt that there was a need for more concentrated study in order for the principles of unity to become firmly established. Consequently a ruined house was discovered abandoned in the Scottish Borders. This was partly renovated and the Beshara School of Intensive Esoteric Education was established at Chisholme House in the Scottish Borders in 1975. Since that time, hundreds of students have come from all over the world to spend time at Chisholme, as students or working as volunteers.
In 1976 a greater number of applicants for courses than Chisholme could accommodate meant that it was necessary to move to a larger place . Sherborne House in Gloucestershire, close to Swyre Farm and the previous home of courses run by J.G. Bennett, was ideal for this purpose. The Trust had enjoyed a close relationship with J.G. Bennett who, had given a series of talks to students at Swyre Farm from 1972 to 1974, which appeared as Intimations by Beshara Publications.
One of J.G. Bennett’s students, Diane Cilento, who is more famous for being an Academy Award nominated actress, established links with Beshara and went on to found a Beshara School in Queensland, Australia. Many Australians attended courses there, and came over to Chisholme for further studies in the 1970s and 80s.
It was during the first course at Sherborne that Grenville Collins and Bulent Rauf saw the need for an academic society to encourage wider translation and dissemination of Ibn ‘Arabi’s ideas. A notice was posted recruiting members, a committee formed and the The Muhyiddin Ibn ‘Arabi Society was born.
At the same time a further ‘second’ course was developed that would focus on conversation, self responsibility and a deeper development of spiritual ‘taste’ that is intrinsic to inner education. The first such course was held at Chisholme House in 1978, after an extensive period of renovation, and for many years two six month courses ran in parallel.
Swyre Farm was sold in 1978, due to financial pressures, and the Beshara Trust concentrated its activities in the converted stables at Sherborne for many years and later at Frilford Grange in Oxfordshire, where it operated from 1988 until 1990. This was a time when eminent scientists and educationalists came to lecture regularly, and the Beshara Magazine flourished. Following the sale of Frilford and the closure of the Beshara Magazine, due to financial pressures (again!) , the focus of the Beshara School was at The Chisholme Institute, though courses also continued to be held in Australia, the United States and Israel as well as new courses in Indonesia
After Bulent Rauf died in 1987, Peter Young took over as principal of the Beshara School at Chisholme and continued to run courses for nearly 30 years before retiring in 2015. During this time the house and grounds were renovated and further courses developed.
Today, a number of independent groups and charitable organizations set up by long-term students of the Beshara School continue to offer courses and study groups in many locations worldwide.
The Beshara Trust runs courses and talks in the UK including the annual Beshara Lecture, which was started in 2011. The Trust hosts this website and encourages all affiliate organisations that choose to come under the name Beshara – which means ‘Good News’.
Source: Beshara website
after long time pause of offline discussion, finally we all said ok to a gathering before Ramadhan this year — it was also a potluck
attendees in today’s Beshara SEA (South East Asia) discussion in South Jakarta today — not a symmetrical photo but still it is a good one to share 😊
her 1st time joining Beshara gathering — she said today’s strongest word hitting her was “trust”
thank you for willing to sit with us for hours to listen and see what is
Wisdom, Beloved
Mothers who are born the last
By daughters called life.
a book from Periplus Plaza Indonesia – good to read during a massage with Mbak Idah
Jakarta has given me a short delay from a fast-paced life.
❣️
I love you, Beloved.
And, you don't have to love me.
It's never a transaction
That's tangible.
Loves, even not repaid,
Is energy
That nurtures life growth
Through silent rejection or
Respectful reciprocity.
How beautiful love is,
Never lost
Only found.
love is (always) in the air
Water, Beloved
Splashes with this body's moves
And the wind that blows.
finally I take picture of the water I soak myself in
Carnation, dear love
Blooms in February for you.
It vibes with this heart.
I've grown flowers and big trees
In my heart.
There's a pond with small fish playful and harmless;
Water lilies and lotuses dancing and entertaining.
You send breeze, she sings happily.
You send rain, she drinks sufficiently.
You send storm, she cries sadly.
You send snow, she freezes deadly.
Whatever you send, she feels blessed abundantly, so much loved.
This morning she said to me that
If you send yourself, she'll live forever.
pond near the dining room in D’Omah Jogja — breakfast feels slow with the waiters’ giving us more time to choose the ala carte menu, and meaningful with the long waiting time that diners can have more time to calmly chat in the morning
Hopping frog plays in a corner
Trying to escape
From fear of missing out.
It doesn't know the corner is safe
Protecting it
From a busy mind.
a frog near the door of my home in D’Omah Jogja
In between if there is a gap,
It's to bridge,
Not to separate.
if you are between two, quit; said I to myself always 😊
Kemosabe!
Today I’ve been thinking a lot about who have been my true friends. There are a few and still in touch offline or online.
Not many indeed–
I’ve always been a Lone Ranger meeting the Tonto who is another Lone Ranger meeting the Tonto. My Tonto is my Lone Ranger and at the same time I am a Lone Ranger for a Tonto.
One characteristic that never misses my Tonto is they are trustworthy, knowing much about local wisdom, hard working, skillful in daily life and laughing beautifully.
We would never leave each other except space and/or time separates us. When I need help, my Tonto help me. When they need help, I would let myself willingly be a help.
About the movie most spectators think Lone Ranger is the only main character in the story, forgetting that Tonto definitely has a grand story of life just not exposed in a movie. In my story of life I’ve thought of being the Lone Ranger who is a main character in a story but I will never forget that Tonto is a primary character in their story and so I need to be their humble sidekicks as needed.
Today I am thinking a lot about who have been my true best friends. And I will always keep them as part of my growth– best part.
I’ve lost Tonto, too but still it was part of my growth.
Thank you, today for the serenity.
although I like the 2013’s movie, my true vibe of Lone Ranger and Tonto was way back to this Lone Ranger cartoon
Many days emit many emotions.
They show off how well
Life is capable of
Playing human beings with different stories.
She laughs.
She cries.
She reads.
She writes.
She sings.
She hums.
She does, even when she doesn't.
All with all her loving heart; or when doing things, she fills her heart with love.
sometimes I cry, not always because of sadness, sometimes I do because I feel so much loved….
to myself: keep the faith
to everyone: enjoy your weekend
The world keeps spinning.
The body ages with time.
Trip in alignment--
Don’t be afraid of becoming old. Aging is truly a blessing.
With the gray hair I feel wisdom befriends with me. Still I have freedom to dye it to look radiant.
With the wrinkle on the skin I find kindness and understanding unfolds. Yet it is not wrong to put skincare to look healthy and fresh.
With weaker eyes I find my mind is sharper evaluating my self and environment. I can still wear reading spectacles to keep reading to refresh brain.
With less hydrated joints and less dense bones I move more slowly cum gracefully. There is no harm though to do sports regularly.
With fewer friends I still get good updates accurately about how the world spins and enjoy true relationship with little to no condition.
Eventually aging is about knowing that soul will release the physical body when they body is ultimately deteriorated, when time is up. I just need to ensure that this body knows she is never alone or lonely in the separation process.
Celebrate life!
see you next month, Hanoi
This heart's umbrella.
Doubted, she's up to protect
And to let all go.
once i was doubted and so i let all go — it is humiliated to be distrusted while the heart is true
You're so beautiful
Glowing among sailing clouds
Bringing memories.
beautiful as a pure heart
If I'm a mother,
I'd be my children's student
And their wisdom guide.
I had a Sunday cafe date with a friend while she was accompanying her son having taekwondo class nearby.
Like usual only with this friend I can always agree to go out of my home at weekend except when I am really caught up with urgent work. With her (and her husband and children) I can talk freely with loud laughter without being afraid of any judgement. They are perhaps my closest friends here in Singapore.
One of the today’s topics was mother.
We know quite a bit about both of our journey of relationship with mothers. As daughter we had almost the same experience of dealing with mother: acceptance to be a daughter of a woman with very different mindset and nurturing experience.
Our acceptance to our mother’s love evolved beautifully. Both of us have realised how much our mothers love us and how much we both love those women called mother. It was just a matter of positioning based on respect and understanding. It is always about knowing what and how love manifests in life.
oolong tea, thanks for witnessing friends’ laughter and genuine talk
That she is herself a mother of two children has taught her what a mother’s love means. To me I experienced various conflicts and arguments with my mother until at one point I realised how hard it was to be in her position and how hard to me to accept the fact that I have to accept my position before her culturally, biologically and ethically.
This friend likes to share with me how she raises her kids and the vice versa, I also like to give case studies and see how she treats some situations. Among all married friends she might be the one I would like to be like in most situations, not all as we still have different opinions in some topics if I am a mother (I know it is just an if as I don’t even have a hope to be someone’s wife at this age). She is open to communicate with her kids and husband up to a level of sitting at a round table to openly argue about things; at the same time she has her boundary at which point a mother stops to force and at which line a child must respect parents.
Today’s was our last 2024’s meet-up. She will fly to Karuizawa, Japan on Dec 11 until end of year and I will finish my work before end-of-year’s home country leave for a short while.
This friend always makes me miss my mother.
Ibu, I will call you tomorrow morning…. Know that I will always love you . Know that I will say yes if you become my mother again in my next life.
💗
The mangos that fly from across the sea,
The nectarines that stare at me,
The plums that hide among their fellow fresh,
The trio that will not stop fascinating me
Until I happily cry
To close the weekend.
Refreshing tears into
Fresh weekend--
what is fresher than a basket of fruit?
You are butterflies
Flying around my heart
Tickling me to whisper
I love you.
But where are
You?
Hiding behind signs
That I've misunderstood,
Disguised between symbols
That I've wrongly guessed,
None is solely for me.
Their yellow petals
Look out to a Sunday rain
And whisper
"Dear, Sun. Our beauty decorates a home showered by rain, waiting for your ray. Don't hide too long."
sunflowers looking out to a rainy Sunday whispering to the hiding Sun
Tell me, Beloved,
Your light shows me light journey.
These steps are now light.
me and Blue, ready to greet the wet earth after rain
hi, home 💕
what will be across the resevoir?
light on the railway
I will love you
As an empty jar
Waiting for streams of words
Telling me stories,
Containing drops of secrets
Petrifying in our soul,
Concocting ingredients of ideas
Writing beautiful love stories,
Catching breeze of affection
Weaving sheet of loyalty.
loving you like i am an empty jar
She's an empty jar
Longing for your rain to pour.
Fragrance of dried clay--
what do we want to pour into ou empty jar? blessings or cursing? love or ignorance? up to us–
Sep 2019 was a big milestone in my life. I joined a daily-life-experience-based workshop called “Self Discovery” in Hawick, Edinburgh. I still felt mild headache and minor discomfort everyday as I tried to cut off my pain killer intake but the different daily life totally poles apart from my tropical life gave me unusual strength to complete the workshop.
Chisholme House from the hill
I met other students and many others (facilitators, care takers and guests) who shared spiritual journey experience. I heard a lot of stories from them; life experiences that instead of breaking the people, the experiences rebuilt them to be human beings with holistic perspective about life. Some of them experienced much worse situation than most; imagine someone who was physically abused as a child then suffered from deadly disease and left by her spouse with weak reason; someone physically abused by her spouse while being a financial supporter, someone suffering from huge bankrupcy and left by family, losing marriage and all family members, etc….
My situation (both physical discomfort and silent mental breakdown) compared to theirs seemed to be a tennis ball compared to basketball or even this globe. Just because of getting no menses and the growth in the brain and I’d played so big a drama as if I’d lost my life…. Come on, human!
the hill from Chisholme House
They indirectly helped me wake up from long hibernation. I silently thanked them in daily prayers among daily household chores: cleaning the house and yard, ironing linens, cooking the meals, making the dining table, washing the dishes, harvesting potatos, walking up and down the hill almost everyday to pray in the monument (this one was not mandatory, my own fave), cleaning the toilets, morning meditation, daily discussion (intense yet enlightening), weekly dzikr with the rest of participants (students, facilitators, care takers, guests), and so on and so forth. Life is about doing things even when it is simply making a flower arrangement for the dining table.
Maddy in the dining room where we all exchanged joy among other activities — dear God, i’d like to be there at least once again
Going back home, I was still the same person just with clearer perspective about life and with fondness to do household chores (this was truly good foundation to face the pandemic). Life is about experiencing what is by firmly embracing genuine intension, about accepting what is but never giving up good hopes and dreams, about sharing what’s granted without letting myself become broke, about becoming a human being.
I went home with a liberated mind. I promised to love myself fully by embracing that whether I had my menses or not, I was still a woman. I pledged in silence that I would take care of my body, mind and spirit better. The soul? Soul is soul, pure and healthy but probably blurr in dim — once the body, mind and spirit get healthy and balanced, the soul gets brighter and clearer.
Oct 18, 2019 was an important day: 1st day of giving up my hijab, the fashion I’d worn since I was 17– a small move that hugely changed details of my life. I gave it up with genuine intention and sufficient knowledge after my final contemplation during my workshop in the UK. I wanted to give up something that made me think that I was a fake because of doing it halfheartedly. I made it clear that although I didn’t wear hijab, I still could be a good human being.
I gained confidence and compliment from those respecting my decision but I also lost trust and connection from those considering me lost in the dark. I got one most hitting statement from someone saying “No worry, you are lost, Allah will guide you back.” But I also received compliments about clarity, bravery and honesty. So be it, both don’t bother me.
😊❣️
Walking home that day I felt very uncomfortable with my body, something I never had before. But I just accepted whatever it was. Reaching home, I found out of getting my menses — the first after 10 years!
So much hustle as I was not ready with whatever was needed for this supposed-to-be-regular-but-gone-for-10-years thing.
I got my menses! Until today some of friends still mocked me “You remember when you got your 1st menses at 44? Like a euphoric! While others probably would say damn I’ve got menses again so annoying!”
Until today I will say thank you everytime the menstruation comes although I have to feel 1 day or two of discomfort. It is a blessing that I missed before, it is a blessing that I thank every month and forever.
The endocrinologist decreased the medication dosage. He just said that there would be the next MRI to check the size of the growth. I am still taking the medicine but only 1.5 dosage per week, much lesser than before. My prolactin is still within 400-500, checked every 3 months with other kinds of blood test included to see my overall condition. Alhamdulillah….
I don’t deny the excitement and gratefulness of getting my menses back. This proof that the previous diagnose was wrong has rejoiced me. However, I don’t want to glorify it; someday I will get menopause (once again) sooner or later 😁.
with all that i’ve gone through, how can i deny this?
The most important thing is that my brain tumor has shrunk significantly. No daily headache. No daily discomfort. No uncertain anxiety. No vague expectation anymore.
I accept me. I accept my life.
2019 is a year when this human being stood up again in humble stance on life and clear sight about hers. The 10-year bitterness has turned to be a sweet memory.
Thanks for the journey, Beloved.
rike jokanan 
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