graphs of my Universe
No doubt is playing.
She finds this journey blessing.
No more pretending--
‘ve never stayed in this hotel before, rather unusual but there is a blessing in disguise; the hotel room i’m staying has dandelions at one of its corner — i take it as a confirmation to all my prayer, i’ve got no doubt anymore about this journey 💕 the outcome though is not in my control
Look at nature's work.
Coloured, shaped, structured and timed.
I shout the delight.
walking through a site is fulfilling, i not only see how the environment is maintained but also capture how nature expresses her beauty freely and beautifully —
this mimosa is beautiful, said i
when i said beautiful, it is not precisely about the subject of discussion (mimosa), it is about how my mind labels the state of emotional response (to the mimosa) happening within me — the same emotion can be interpreted differently by other people based on their schemata, belief system, cultural and physical environment and other possible factors; when i am in bad mood, i might think that same mimosa as just weeds; when i don’t assign emotion to see my surrounding, i might not even regard the same mimosa
so i might never be as objective as expected by many, but definition of emotional labels is discussable and/or debatable and that is where communication will be lively if done with smiles (or laughter)
you’re beautiful 😘
These dreams are brewing,
Longing to see a meadow
Where flowers blossom.
heart is where the dreams brew before traveling to another heart that accepts them fully
only Wind can make it happen
thank you for giving me a lot of sleep recently so i can claim back my battery 💕
Just across the strait
Lies a land bringing old hopes
Swarmed by new dreamers.
this is my 1st Batam trip since 2020, i used to travel there every quarter for biz; when biz is off, ….. — Batam, be nice to me these next 3 days
Comfort zone's, dear self
A clear bubble waits to burst.
Life is just like that.
need warm soup for weekend comfort: veggies n sukiyaki beef in dashi stock, tempe + torch ginger — imperfect combination but i love both 😍
need a second helping of soup and fruit before back curling up in bed reading then hopefully falling to sleep
Pondering where this tiny love story means,
Counting breathing through hope in highs and lows.
In I breath fragrance of rose, out jasmine.
How beautiful! No one but a key knows.
The breeze sometimes softly shakes the heartbeat.
The river flows tampering a quiet mind.
The fire ignites a heart that longs to meet.
Under the drizzle the sun warmly shines.
Beloved, is it you she's waiting for?
Is it her you're letting in your grand throne?
The cloud hanging disguises sweet flavor,
Or the flavor is love and love alone?
Love is beautiful with cloudy sweet dream.
If time allows, rain stops, be shown sunbeam.
there’s a girl within falling in love, a woman without daydreaming of love
be real, woman! the girl is as true as your love itself
never doubt your heart; trust your life
Wrap me, Beloved
With a blanket that calms down
And colours my heart.
today was a painful day, my emotion was so drained and i need a long battery charge before starting a new week — a thick blanket would be good
some days pull me too deep then suddenly kick me high abruptly or the other way round; i am now back to my grip ‘coz life is just like that
alhamdulillah
💕
Seems that the “Kiai Semar” piggy bank in my instastory has drawn hidden attention. My friend sent me a picture of ancient piggy bank saying “Are you still saving in celengan, don’t you have a bank account? Why so traditional?”
Arrgh! Should I tell people I save in the bank? It is something common to save in the bank because I need debit card to do all my financial thingy every now and then. How can I shop without debit card? And they think my debit card will just get impregnated with money without me feeding it? I am saving in the bank, my dear.
When said by a close friend in a normal situation, it feels ok. When said by a distant friend who has a rather unpleasant history, it feels rather ouch!
Anyway celengan (Javanese) is apiggy bank, a traditional container to save money.
What does celengan literally mean? Celengan is a Javanese word formed by celeng and -an. Celeng means boar or wild boar, –an is a suffix to form a word to be a Noun. Celeng itself is a Noun, celengan is a Noun to change the word celeng into another Noun with slightly different meaning. While celeng is wild boar, celengan means toy wild boar or a container in a wild boar form.
Why wild boar or celeng? As we know boar or wild boar is a family of pig. Maybe because pig is a symbol of luck, prosperity, wealth so people hope that by saving in a container formed like a wild boar they can be lucky and wealthy. I don’t think it is an original Javanese culture as Javanese didn’t originally raise it in the neighborhood. They got wild boar by hunting — remember the word “wild”. This might come from a culture where pig was domesticated and so became close to human beings’ daily activities.
By the time piggy bank is not in a form of pig or wild boar anymore. It can be in a form of chicken, frog, jar, etc including the Kiai Semar (a wayang character) that I bought in Kasongan, Yogyakarta. And the material can be from plastic, wood; while the original is terracotta.
Why am I ranting so long?
Sometimes liking it or not, I feel one word from one person can ruin my day in silence. It doesn’t matter, life is just like that. Why making that person so important that I get hurt by just random words from one? Forget it.
Thanks, celengan for making me even more relaxed after digging in the Japanese cuisine.
Weekend is here.
Please bless me with good time. Amen.
Have a good weekend!
ancient terracotta piggy bank for me
i wish to have a big one filled with gold — and some people will say “are you a gold digger?”
damn! if i am a gold digger, i won’t be here, i will have been in Japan married to the only son of a president of a company 😎
Relax, Beloved,
There's a place for victory
Other than fighting.
finding that Sunday evening i will be away, i changed my Japanese food craving to today, tomorrow will be my packing day for next two trips, reading and chasing wind
Friday’s message: just relaxxx and eat crabbb!
She won't let go, Love
The softness and clarity
She's gained through tough years.
found it this morning and sent it to Ina and Novi, my bestfriends — humble human beings whose heart talks to me with blissful joy, i to them and would be on and on
thank you❣️
Facing my face, Love
Is facing hell in heaven
Or heaven in hell.
All human beings must face “when things don’t go your way”. Everyone of us! And I believe sooner or later each of us will get enlightened to realise that all of us are monks in the making. Indeed❣️
Here is one of many of mine.
How I deal with my health….
My 1-week retreat (Tapa Brata) experience in Bali Usada has given me a key to facing my own face within. My first Tapa Brata was in 2018 then two more after that.
This retreat really dismantles participants’ reading/writing/listening tools and speaking activity and all electronic gadgets (all are safe kept by Bali Usada during retreat) which will need professional deal for professional participants to be totally off– no one outside the retreat center can contact you directly, your killer boss will probably scold at you if you don’t take the call.
We meditate 9 hours per day, listening to 3-4 hours of lectures, physical workout and personal daily activities (cleaning, eating, sleeping, etc). No others–
We don’t speak with others except facilitators and only whispering when truly needed. We don’t listen except to instructions from facilitors, lectures from Bapak Merta Ada, natural sounds (silence of quiet night, falling rain, rustling wind, cracking woods, splashing water, chirping insects, crying night birds, whispering ghosts maybe….). We don’t read anything except the announcement and material posted on the wall bulletin. We don’t write except when allowed and on the paper and pencil given by facilitator.
Imagine one week only interacting with your own self. Before joining in 2018 I thought it would be relatively easy because I’ve learnt meditation since 2010. But in reality I vomitted several days after meditation finding how hard and disgusting seeing my own shadows within without distraction and no sharing plus with hidden health issues.
My 2nd and 3rd were with different challenges but I will not share it here.
It was not easy to face guilt, abandonment, feeling of unwanted, shame, anger, ignorance, arrogance, stupidity, etc within myself plus physical heaviness. I cried almost everyday, I could not sleep, I felt desperate being me, I regretted joining the retreat, I screamed in my silent meditation begging Pak Merta Ada or the facilitators to just pause the meditation– those all happened until day 4. It went smoothly from day 5 to the last. I so much loved my own self; felt so liberated, forgave myself more, committed to love my own self more responsibly.
Vomitting and headache in my 1st retreat was my biggest physical challenge as I stopped taking my daily pain killer which was not doctor’s prescription. Pain killer except the one prescribed by doctor is not allowed during retreat as it will reduce the sensitivity to body and senses during meditations.
In the final session with Bapak Merta Ada he advised me to thoroughly have my health condition checked as he observed something serious (I won’t say it here). Terima kasih, Bapak❣️
Going back to Singapore I did my yearly medical check and was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and no surgery was mandatory– thanks to the retreat that intensified my headache and vomitting. Anyway I finally found of being wrongly diagnosed by 2 doctors in my own country earlier. I was shocked by the new diagnose (which was the right one) but at the same time so relieved that the diagnose from 2 early doctors was totally drunk! I was so happy that I would not die restless like I thought before.
I joined Tapa Brata again after pandemic when my brain tumor shrank to 40%. Easier physically! So content and humbled by many things! Now I’m waiting for the next MRI to see how much the growth shrinks further and taking an annual leave to do the next Tapa Brata in 2025.
Don’t ask me how perfect I am. I will tell you how imperfect I’ve been.
😊
….continuing reading Haemin Sunim
now what do you think about me?
Read to me, dear heart
The fairytales about you
So I can sleep well.
not an easy ones to finish before end of 2024 🤪
night….
Her heart aches,
She needs some medicine
And so she goes down on her knees and prays
For clarity.
She hopes soon her tips of fingers can touch clearly
Whether it is pulsating
Of better future
Or potentially repeated puncture.
Show me his way.
fastbreaking today — bismillah
i booked a table in my favourite Japanese resto as i wanted to enjoy their crab but no table was available at my preferred time
so i bought kanikama as the frozen crab was not available either in dondondonki
….randomly mixed it with whatever i had
i needed rice but not much time to cook it
…. ok
not bad at all to start this evening
japanese restaurant, see you on sunday
Life's, Beloved
Adorned with perfect senses
To find your beauty.
Whatever you say, Beloved,
It's my day.
I've built it through seconds, minutes, hours.
Just because others use extended brain,
Doesn't mean I will.
I live my true life
Even without a perfect "1100100" score given.
Whatever you say, Beloved,
It's my day.
no artificial intelligence is involved in my writing process except if my brain is considered one
using AI in my thinking and writing process is haram 🤓
haram is not related to any religion standpoint, it simply means i will never use it until professionally mandated in my work which i believe will not happen — will never use it for my poem and ranting of mine
😺
I asked myself about
Falling in love.
My brain said
Falling in love is scary.
I could not concentrate,
I dropped what I carried,
These tears came down miserably,
Dizzy, oh dizzy!
My heart said
Falling in love is beautiful.
I could imagine what was best,
I shared what I carried,
These tears came down happily,
Pretty, oh pretty!
My soul said
Falling in love is magical.
I could think beyond what was,
I multiplied what I carried to share,
These tears came down with no reason,
Willingly, oh willingly!
Someone said
Falling in love is inevitable.
It filled me when I was hungry,
It emptied me when I was full,
Do, just do
However dizzy or pretty, do it only willingly!
I checked who was the last speaker:
Damn! My stomach was smiling in glee.
scary, beautiful, magical and inevitable
She's simply composed,
Not even shaken by storm.
Rooted to the earth--
My intuition works wonder when it comes to family esp mother, as if knowing when something wrong happens even no one informs me.
Yesterday I contacted my sister saying that mother might not be good. She said mother was ok and sleeping.
My gut said different. I contacted my cousin saying the same thing and she said “Yes, she fell and injured a bit on her chin and left hands.”
I happened to know later that my mother didn’t allow my sister to tell me about the incident.
I tried to digest the “lie” although the feeling inside was a mix of anger, disappointment, sadness, left behind at the same time relief that she was now ok.
This morning after a long meeting I called my mother. I really wanted to give her some “lecture” that she should be careful, should not do this or that and should let me know whatsoever happens to her. But I detered myself from doing so.
I know what I would say is something true but don’t want to hurt her motherly affectionate decision. I chose to accept her reason of not informing me: so my child can work with light heart.
My mother is one of the mentally strongest women I’ve known in life. None of people knowing her will say otherwise.
Once I joked around with her “Ibu, please pray that I don’t have to be as strong as you in life as when I’m as strong as you, it means I will have one most challenging of human life.”
She said “You can be stronger than me but don’t need to experience what I have in life. Trust your life.”
Yes, I do trust life will protect me from the harms.
I love you, Ibu. Thank you.
💕
Why worry?
I am here
Always.
who withers first? the flower? the lady? none, night will wither first then sun rises; the flower and the lady stay now here
Do you know that the road I've taken is not what I wanted?
And do you know that this is the best I've experienced?
Yes, you know.
Thank you.
Yours truly,
One humble traveler breathing your blessings
I'm a room
Overflown with blessings.
Some visible,
Some unseen,
All undeniable--
this is where water, soil, air and fire show their potential in harmony, no collision
Eden, Beloved
Exists next to the kitchen
Where she has some fun.
A tropical garden is a kind of lush garden I want to see when washing the dishes. I am looking forward to it with the help from our tropical gardener– we can find them easily in Indonesia.
But it will be done after the Japanese garden. Right now the spot is still packed with construction material and debris. There shall be deep cleaning to ensure no left over of material in the soil and fertile soil to be added.
While the Japanese garden is restricted to inner circle, this tropical garden is where all guests can take some fresh air as long as they don’t make any harm to anyone around.
Please be patient, dear self. One at a time–
💕
had to cut out the coloured part as there is some spoiled part around it
yosh! now time to complete my laundry 😍
the sketch that kept delayed
Private's, Beloved
This ordinary one's life.
Not much to expose--
I lock my Instagram account always and it forever will be locked, only those having directly met with me can become my contacts. Does it sound arrogant? No, it is a protection — to protect myself from unfair judgement from those contacts knowing me from my words or my pictures in my curated frames; and to protect my contacts from misjudging me simply based on my curated frames– they will be able to judge me more fairly by talking to me or meeting with me first before becoming my contacts in Instagram.
My contacts are those family members and friends; not even colleagues as we believe our professional judgement might be clouded with some personal bias that is not even related to work.
I am so so sorry for being so picky (a bit irritating I know I am) but I am still willing to reply anyone’s messages.
💕
What about WordPress?
It is where I am ranting and there are only 20-40 people visiting me daily and my postings are all extracted ideas in poetry that by nature can be interpreted by anyone. So anyone is welcome to visit my WordPress even without leaving a trace.
💕
Release, Beloved
What's wished. Let it fly to find
Its way to go home.
this fragile dandelion is my favourite plant, it reminds me to release wishes to their way home, where they materialise their best potentials
💕
(picture from Pinterest)
Today I am browsing around with my Blue and feeling good!
Back on track. Let’s do it all day!
Thank you for all the active senses❣️
….many more to share in silence
Banksy,
It throws me flowers
At a silent weekend.
I'm dead.
Have a nice weekend, everyone!
Banksy’s work of art
Laughter's, Beloved
You radiate cheerfulness,
We all count blessings.
when you laugh, the dried grass comes alive
I can't talk about
You all the time,
People will think I am crazy
Or crazy about
You.
But how can I
Stop thinking about
You, while obviously
You are everywhere
I am?
blaming why a plate seems empty but actually full of unseen material
aka
what is wanted is obvious, but there is no way — don’t blame the guest standing in front of the door, blame the host not responding to the greeting
What am I
Without teacher?
A lost wanderer
Losing destination.
What am I
Without teacher?
A confused traveler
Losing guidance
What am I
Without teacher?
A dreamer
Losing inspiration.
What am I
Without teacher?
A human
Losing meaning.
What am I
Without teacher?
A Soul
Repeating the same mistakes.
Dear
Teacher,
You are born
For me
To be reborn
As me.
I'm grateful to
You.
Today’s lunch break was about a phenomenal chat with some teachers of life.
Thousands if not millions of teachers have taught me in life. There are some that I cherish the most today, those that have triggered me to make biggest decisions in life.
Thank you, dear teachers❣️
Bapak Merta Ada, he was the one teaching me to go within without doubt, without limit – “spread love and compassion”, his advice 🥹
Sister Zak, my Arabic teacher — she emphasised that what we read needs to be well understood first then pondered then can be interpreted (differently) — “be a responsible interpreter of the Quran for yourself, no one to blame when you make wrong interpretation or decision“, her advice
Aaron Cass, my mentor in Beshara School who helped me open most doors of freedom of responsibly being human through his amazing knowledge and wisdom about sufism and esp about Ibn Arabi & Rumi — “from now on whatever you do differently, never make it a new religion”, his advice
Ina, a best friend from high school whose action moved my soul: she left her brilliant career (at the same time I started mine in Singapore) without new career to take care of her parents for her sense of responsibility; she took care of her mother until she passed away, now she is taking care of her father; Ina, you are beautifully blessed — “let’s exchange stupid memes and videos”, her message
dear Ibu, i won’t let anyone hurt you — “work responsibly and take care”, her every morning’s advice
Vito, my dear nephew, “i will always love you and protect you forever”, his last message before he passed
the fire warden in the mirror, “have you smiled today?” my greeting to myself
Clarity's in you,
In the mirror in your hand.
Clean it everyday.
how can i deny how ugly i am with the mirror patched with oil and dust?
morning message from my mirror
thank you
Dear Master,
Fill this lake
With wisdom
To keep on
Flowing through rivers,
Permeating through earth veins
Towards
You
RC Gorman’s work of art
rike jokanan 
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