graphs of my Universe
Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
what I can remember about you, Ibu 🥰❣️
maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu 😁❣️
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.
balancing in any situation is what life is about
☘️
On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666
At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter ح the initial of the word حبل (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.
The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.
Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. 🥰
No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).
For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. ❤️🩹
Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. 💕☘️❣️
Sometimes something scary is something that we need to truly face. It’s a door that we must enter. It’s a book that we shall read. It’s a podcast that we’ve gotta listen to. It’s the very uncomfortable fact about what’s within that we need to unknot to fully see our own selves clearly and wholeheartedly.
I have friends, good friends, close friends and I know exactly what they like to talk about and what they don’t like to talk about. Some don’t like talking about money. Some don’t like talking about romance. Some don’t like talking about ancestor. Some don’t like talking at all, just making uh or oh in the conversation. And I like testing whiteout their knowing being tested.
I want to tap their mind that some things are disliked not because it’s not good, it’s simply because it’s not familiar.
Anyway after several times I will try anymore. What for? If they think it’s useless to talk about it with me, I might not be the right one to tap that part. If they think it’s useless to talk about it, it might not be the topic they need to learn or unlearn in this period of time.
Let the door open by itself. I feel enough to know the need; at the same time I come to a realisation that some people don’t need help to wake up, or some people don’t need to wake up that way.
😁
dear life, guide me to every door of mine, each of them is facing you — if all doors are open & what’s behind is shown to me, how beautiful the diamond of love you’ve given to me as I can see it from all facets of its cut
💕
As a Muslim I am grateful that someone prominent attested about Islam this way.
I’m not a religious one but I read the Qur’an and Sirah (history of Prophet Muhammad) with very little external guidance as I’ve lost some trust to the religion authority interpreting the teaching & causing distrust to the real teaching of the religion.
I might be wrong but I’m trying to seek what’s relevantly meaningful to my life from the content of the Qur’an and Sirah. And I pray that I’ve got the intelligence, integrity, ethics, humanity that’s wrapped as love.
Salam.
he might be wrong just like me but at least he is experiencing things from his own very hands to tell what it is
happy weekend, everyone
fyi, it said the videos are unavailable; not sure what WordPress is trying to do but both are about Joe Rogan attesting about Islam which (according to him) is totally against what have been described by the West
💕
Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.
it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically
it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly
thank you, ibu
♥️
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. 💕
It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.
It feels….
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
terima kasih, Ibu
💕
Aku sayang Ibu.
our last video call
the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly ☺️☘️💕❣️
terima kasih, Ibu…. 😘☘️❣️
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.
Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.
Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.
Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.
ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video ☺️❣️
in Jogja ☘️💙❣️
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.
Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.
Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.
Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....
ibu, terima kasih ya….
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
💙
terima kasih yaaa….
😘
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
😎
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
This fire, Beloved
Lights up. It dies not; just dims
When night is warmer.
once ignited, this love won’t die — an eternal flame
I won’t stop talking until it’s time to stop talking. Sometimes I will hurt some human beings that have hurt those I love.
This time I’m so angry with some politicians, stupid idiot ones in Indonesia who ran away after making big wound in our people’s heart.
No, I won’t stop. I will keep this flame within & this time constantly without!
Sorry, I might wave the flag too strongly but that’s not to hurt, it’s to show them that we’re not afraid!
Sorry, I might tread these steps too strongly but that’s not to hurt, it’s to show them that we’re all in a coordination that might not be detected.
Dear, Indonesia. I might not be able to give you much but I won’t stop talking to give warnings to those I love so they’re protected from those that want to destroy the sovereign of the people, the justice of the governance, the love among the burning souls in our community.
It might not be easy for me, for you, for them; yet we will make it!
Let’s keep this fire to live forever,
In this piece of heaven on earth called Indonesia.
Yes! The future is beautiful & grand! And it’s close. So close, my Motherland.
☘️♥️🇮🇩
Emha Ainun Nadjib (Cak Nun or Mbah Nun) is the only spiritual teacher that has been in my life since I was around 15 years old. I started reading his poems, articles, essays, etc in printed mass media by then. He was a social justice activist, an artist, an intellectual, a thinker, a columnist, whatever people called him. He was dubbed “Kiai Mbeling” (naughty religious teacher) at that time.
A lot of his analysis he made have happened every now and then. I’m one of the witnesses of all the political unrest that he did predict through data analysis & social sensitivity of his. Many people are late listening to them, late seeing them, missing a lot of facts that were his analysis. However, until today there are many disrespecting him.
Has he become angry because of the way he’s been treated? No! He knows. He understands. He always tells us to go with the God’s flow. Accept gracefully your life.
Once I asked for advice; I was in one of difficult times in life. He just said “Always flow with Gusti Allah, only that.”
Until now I’m still one of his students of life. I respect him for his humble life. He never has more than IDR100,000 in his pocket and he will try his best to give it away to anyone around him needing it.
In this very difficult time in our country we his circle so much miss him. He’d been tamers in many unrest even when the news was never out to the media.
Today he’s still weak and can’t be present physically to tame some important heads.
I personally pray that he soon stands up! Tell them, Cak Nun that this country is exhausted of the corruption & arrogance of greedy politicians.
Dear, God. Please grant our prayers.
Dear, Motherland. Please arrange a real peace for your children.
Amen.
☘️❣️🇮🇩💕
Cak Nun, it’s time! Please stand up & tell them to stop.
A view, Beloved
It's what the light shows the eyes
And heart. Wish us luck...
If there’s about significant learning to me about relationship (not limited to romantic) recently, it’s about view & review. The way both sides can view something then review it together is another ingredient after agreement to meet.
The way I view life is always about how elements work in Mother Nature. The power that each element collaborates with me is more important than how I manipulate it. I flow with the natural move, I don’t want to move against the move; not only because it will be tiring, but it is also that the more I’m against the natural move, the more I’ll be away from the Center of my own self– a big no!
Political view is very important to agree in a relationship. I won’t be friends for long period of time with them whose political view is full with doubted integrity & impartiality to the needy. I just can’t.
My country is again boiling and this is when I can see how those I know (personally or by names) navigate themselves in this situation. Some are angry; I am, too. Some are very angry; I am, too. Some show their care. Some don’t want to show their partiality with different reasons– in this group I can sense things as simple as they are afraid or confused up to they are part of the chaos root causes (corrupt & ignorance).
A lot of opinions & discussions emerge with so many intentions. I’m reluctant to judge people’s intention or aim; so as long as what they are doing suits mine, I will not judge them negatively until they do what is against what they’ve conveyed.
What I do this time is to show my care & support to those on the street by at least reporting the online news to my social media account. As my Instagram is set private, my target is my family & friends; they should not be imposed to fake or irresponsible or expired or partial news. I hope what I do also build a good algorithm to myself & surrounding. I don’t want to harm those around me at the same time I don’t want to be a coward who is afraid just to show partiality to the underprivileged.
It’s not easy for us, the whole country. It’s not easy for each of us personally.
We hope our prayer of getting the real peace & integrity is answered soon.
Amen.
Dear, Motherland….
Would you please help us your children?
Dear, God.
Would you please end what’s not good in this piece of heaven on earth called Indonesia?
☘️💕🇮🇩
If you were a king,
What would you be like, my love?
Would you let me know?
😎
☘️
🤪
☕️
💙
💙
🤯
🤣😘
💕
🤣🤣🤣😘❣️
It never dies-- Love.
It sparks then sparkles; no end
But milestones to mark.
preparing batik for myself
will name this piece “life cycle of love”
What's beauty today?
Ants partying in some blooms
For sweetness of life--
no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long
why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)
I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘
I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design 🥰
Beauty today, Love
Is about about colours and shapes
Softly touch the heart.
as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”
at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter
today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours
A hope that vanishes
With the forgotten true stories
Of the unsung heroes,
Those not buried with engraved tombstone
Dear, Elden Heroes
Who are taking a break from battles.
Wish us a basket of flower
Full of prayer summoning
The only thing left with Mother Earth:
Love that glows in the heart.
Wish us her love
That fades all selfishness away
Swiftly
Like the colours dissolve from a white fabric.
No trace of arrogance.
No trace of greed.
Only love.
Only care.
By everyone,
For everyone
Including
The Elden Soldiers--
A poem for a piece of Mother Earth’s true love called Indonesia on her 80th birthday–
Thank you. You’re staying in this very heart that weeps for getting hurt over and over again yet keeping the trust in a journey called life.
💕
your promise to liberate your offspring’s life from all that occupy them was well done
would you say that what your offspring is doing to celebrate the victory is truly what you wished to be
dear, Elden Soldiers who have been either well-known or unsung….
I've asked myself all my life:
Have you ever thought what this life is for?
You're born. You die.
You struggle. You cry.
You suffer. You rant.
You're full. You sleep.
You're fulfilled. You forget.
You're numb. You're silent.
If it's really
You that this life is about,
Am I really needed?
Am I really wanted?
Yet the echoes of the quest go on.
Your answers feel like algae converting light to feed my days with
Hope that you embrace me, with
Fear that it will end when I still owe you promises.
I can't answer it clearly until today.
It becomes like a love story
In which falling in love is either inserted with broken-hearted acceptance or ended with broken hearted let-go.
That I live for
You, because of
You, in
You, through
You is a journey between a lover longing for the beloved who might care but care; who might love but hate, who might exist but not exist.
Have you ever thought what this life is for? I said yes and yes and yes to
You, and for
You.
Guidance
Amouge, Guidance – it’s about you guiding me to you
bought it when in Sydney
slided the box out of the outer cover
one of my best gift to myself – a scent that guides
My heart is a garden
Where flowers are nodding to butterflies and ladybugs
That need a ride to play.
My heart is a pond
Where lilies spread their pads to dragonflies and frog
That stop to meditate.
My heart is a cave
Where treasures are hidden from
eyes and ears
That crave for secrets.
My heart is an ocean
Where space is containing depth and width
That hug the abyss.
My heart is a home
Where songs are waiting for rhythms and rhymes
That long for a voice.
dear heart, be fragrant even when it’s around bad odor ♥️
Dear, kind heart
Let it fly
To where dreams
Dance with mornings.
A door, Beloved
Your way I take to enter
The way of loving--
some people said to me directly and some indirectly “my way or no way”
my life is like one-way highway with no U-turn with which the choice is chosen by itself, go ahead and that’s it! when I choose my way, the way becomes bumpy and muddy and not safe,
so I’ve never really thought about my way
letting it be instructed through my heart and follow Life’s way
so when some ask “my way or no way”, I’ll smile and think
maybe those people’s life has been so easy and smooth that all their way is running without any interruption or alteration or even 100% negotiation
maybe
but I again just smile and try to understand while waiting whose way is winning
Dear Life,
Thanks for the luck
That goes on
And on
Between your fingers
Caressing my hair
With love.
A gift, Beloved
Wrapped with a curled pink ribbon
For all that she loves--
my life is a gift that I share with those close around me
my gift might not be expensive but it’s the best I can present
when time is up, I hope all that I love will have received the blessing I silently promise to share with them
♥️
A home, Beloved
Where heart hums to see beauty
In just greenery--
this is where my long weekend resides (Jogja, where Mount Merapi & Prambanan Temple are pinned)
where I bike & walk in my free time, Singapore greenery
Changi Terminal 2, the airport that I mostly take off to fly out before always coming back to my second home, Singapore
What if the sun never rises again?
I might also lose my sunflowers.
The yellow in my life fades away,
With the calming breathing at the end.
At least I love, Beloved,
At least I've loved
You so much.
rike jokanan 
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