I feel so languid, Between losing and letting go. Memories are swarming, Reminding that life is short And farewell is just an inch away. What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay. What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive. Love is never faraway, It is for a while hiding To show up when hope is fading away. There's nothing I hear But heartbeats singing love song From afar, moving closer and closer. Love is never faraway, It's just hiding to find a way To disclose what's true in Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
I'm bowing this head Like sunflower to the sun That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. 💕
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did Iyet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
No one, Ibu But You Who loves me without questioning, Trusts me without doubting, Gives all to me without expecting, Lets go off your belonging for me without counting, Does all for me without calculating. Is it because you are a perfect human being? But no! It's because you see your perfection in me and See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you. You're too perfect to be copied: Your patience: Being abandoned, Left, Betrayed, Cheated, Lied to, Hated, Marginalised, And so much more. Your gift: Being generous, Kind, Soft, Lovely, Caring, Acceptant, Lovable, Humane, And so much more.
Dear, Ibu. I want to talk about you All the time now Because I can't talk to you Anymore.
Yes I can But without your voice Kicking softly on my eardrums Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you: I am letting you go wholeheartedly, I will take care of your legacy, I will love those whom you love, too.
Terima kasih ya Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu, Bagian jiwamu, Bagian hidupmu. Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada. Aku kadang sebel Tapi sering tidak sebel, Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja. Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu. Sedihmu, Bahagiamu, Sakitmu, Sehatmu, Janjimu, Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
If I'm in a trip, I'd be with the Lone Ranger, Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
😎
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
This fire, Beloved Lights up. It dies not; just dims When night is warmer.
once ignited, this love won’t die — an eternal flame
I won’t stop talking until it’s time to stop talking. Sometimes I will hurt some human beings that have hurt those I love.
This time I’m so angry with some politicians, stupid idiot ones in Indonesia who ran away after making big wound in our people’s heart.
No, I won’t stop. I will keep this flame within & this time constantly without!
Sorry, I might wave the flag too strongly but that’s not to hurt, it’s to show them that we’re not afraid!
Sorry, I might tread these steps too strongly but that’s not to hurt, it’s to show them that we’re all in a coordination that might not be detected.
Dear, Indonesia. I might not be able to give you much but I won’t stop talking to give warnings to those I love so they’re protected from those that want to destroy the sovereign of the people, the justice of the governance, the love among the burning souls in our community.
It might not be easy for me, for you, for them; yet we will make it!
Let’s keep this fire to live forever,
In this piece of heaven on earth called Indonesia.
Yes! The future is beautiful & grand! And it’s close. So close, my Motherland.
Emha Ainun Nadjib (Cak Nun or Mbah Nun) is the only spiritual teacher that has been in my life since I was around 15 years old. I started reading his poems, articles, essays, etc in printed mass media by then. He was a social justice activist, an artist, an intellectual, a thinker, a columnist, whatever people called him. He was dubbed “Kiai Mbeling” (naughty religious teacher) at that time.
A lot of his analysis he made have happened every now and then. I’m one of the witnesses of all the political unrest that he did predict through data analysis & social sensitivity of his. Many people are late listening to them, late seeing them, missing a lot of facts that were his analysis. However, until today there are many disrespecting him.
Has he become angry because of the way he’s been treated? No! He knows. He understands. He always tells us to go with the God’s flow. Accept gracefully your life.
Once I asked for advice; I was in one of difficult times in life. He just said “Always flow with Gusti Allah, only that.”
Until now I’m still one of his students of life. I respect him for his humble life. He never has more than IDR100,000 in his pocket and he will try his best to give it away to anyone around him needing it.
In this very difficult time in our country we his circle so much miss him. He’d been tamers in many unrest even when the news was never out to the media.
Today he’s still weak and can’t be present physically to tame some important heads.
I personally pray that he soon stands up! Tell them, Cak Nun that this country is exhausted of the corruption & arrogance of greedy politicians.
Dear, God. Please grant our prayers.
Dear, Motherland. Please arrange a real peace for your children.
Amen.
☘️❣️🇮🇩💕
Cak Nun, it’s time! Please stand up & tell them to stop.
A view, Beloved It's what the light shows the eyes And heart. Wish us luck...
If there’s about significant learning to me about relationship (not limited to romantic) recently, it’s about view & review. The way both sides can view something then review it together is another ingredient after agreement to meet.
The way I view life is always about how elements work in Mother Nature. The power that each element collaborates with me is more important than how I manipulate it. I flow with the natural move, I don’t want to move against the move; not only because it will be tiring, but it is also that the more I’m against the natural move, the more I’ll be away from the Center of my own self– a big no!
Political view is very important to agree in a relationship. I won’t be friends for long period of time with them whose political view is full with doubted integrity & impartiality to the needy. I just can’t.
My country is again boiling and this is when I can see how those I know (personally or by names) navigate themselves in this situation. Some are angry; I am, too. Some are very angry; I am, too. Some show their care. Some don’t want to show their partiality with different reasons– in this group I can sense things as simple as they are afraid or confused up to they are part of the chaos root causes (corrupt & ignorance).
A lot of opinions & discussions emerge with so many intentions. I’m reluctant to judge people’s intention or aim; so as long as what they are doing suits mine, I will not judge them negatively until they do what is against what they’ve conveyed.
What I do this time is to show my care & support to those on the street by at least reporting the online news to my social media account. As my Instagram is set private, my target is my family & friends; they should not be imposed to fake or irresponsible or expired or partial news. I hope what I do also build a good algorithm to myself & surrounding. I don’t want to harm those around me at the same time I don’t want to be a coward who is afraid just to show partiality to the underprivileged.
It’s not easy for us, the whole country. It’s not easy for each of us personally.
We hope our prayer of getting the real peace & integrity is answered soon.
Amen.
Dear, Motherland….
Would you please help us your children?
Dear, God.
Would you please end what’s not good in this piece of heaven on earth called Indonesia?
What's beauty today? Ants partying in some blooms For sweetness of life--
no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long
why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)
I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘
I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design 🥰
Beauty today, Love Is about about colours and shapes Softly touch the heart.
as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”
at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter
today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours
A hope that vanishes With the forgotten true stories Of the unsung heroes, Those not buried with engraved tombstone
Dear, Elden Heroes Who are taking a break from battles. Wish us a basket of flower Full of prayer summoning The only thing left with Mother Earth: Love that glows in the heart. Wish us her love That fades all selfishness away Swiftly Like the colours dissolve from a white fabric. No trace of arrogance. No trace of greed. Only love. Only care. By everyone, For everyone Including The Elden Soldiers--
A poem for a piece of Mother Earth’s true love called Indonesia on her 80th birthday–
Thank you. You’re staying in this very heart that weeps for getting hurt over and over again yet keeping the trust in a journey called life.
💕
your promise to liberate your offspring’s life from all that occupy them was well done
would you say that what your offspring is doing to celebrate the victory is truly what you wished to be
dear, Elden Soldiers who have been either well-known or unsung….
I've asked myself all my life: Have you ever thought what this life is for? You're born. You die. You struggle. You cry. You suffer. You rant. You're full. You sleep. You're fulfilled. You forget. You're numb. You're silent.
If it's really You that this life is about, Am I really needed? Am I really wanted?
Yet the echoes of the quest go on. Your answers feel like algae converting light to feed my days with Hope that you embrace me, with Fear that it will end when I still owe you promises.
I can't answer it clearly until today.
It becomes like a love story In which falling in love is either inserted with broken-hearted acceptance or ended with broken hearted let-go.
That I live for You, because of You, in You, through You is a journey between a lover longing for the beloved who might care but care; who might love but hate, who might exist but not exist.
Have you ever thought what this life is for? I said yes and yes and yes to You, and for You.
Guidance
Amouge, Guidance – it’s about you guiding me to you
bought it when in Sydney
slided the box out of the outer cover
one of my best gift to myself – a scent that guides
A door, Beloved Your way I take to enter The way of loving--
some people said to me directly and some indirectly “my way or no way”
my life is like one-way highway with no U-turn with which the choice is chosen by itself, go ahead and that’s it! when I choose my way, the way becomes bumpy and muddy and not safe,
so I’ve never really thought about my way
letting it be instructed through my heart and follow Life’s way
so when some ask “my way or no way”, I’ll smile and think
maybe those people’s life has been so easy and smooth that all their way is running without any interruption or alteration or even 100% negotiation
maybe
but I again just smile and try to understand while waiting whose way is winning
A gift, Beloved Breeze bringing a good fragrance Keeping me with you.
I bought a box of gift for myself – perfume 💗
patchouli is one of my favourite fragrances, it is mostly harvested in Indonesia — there’s a documentary about how patchouli farmers are ‘exploited” for perfume industry
I’m cruelly aware that my liking to scent is making me part of the exploitation. What should I do?
It's locked, Beloved. Hiding from those not wanted, Enjoying close doors.
I put my Instagram account back to private from being public. I am not a public figure and not selling anything so why should it be in public mode?
Actually when being public, the account started getting random people following me (although I removed them right away). Not those I wish to follow me 😁
WordPress is still the best platform where I can rant about the public policy and service in my country without being questioned “why are you talking about thing you don’t know?” and whisper about my silent journey within.
Needing some time to stay submerged–
wanting my back garden door in this colour 😍 the one between Japanese garden and the back yard
it's where two sweet hearts meeting in a quiet meadow to sing together
(haiku about an ideal marriage of mine)
When I was a high schooler I wanted to get married at 25. At 35 broken-hearted decided to be single forever; at 45 re-opened myself to any possibility–
While in my culture talking about romance or wishing to get married at my age is considered a shame, I proceed. I’m a human being— if they do, why not me? I’m so comfortable to say this even thinking it out loud in front of family and friends; and they were the one sometimes would feel less comfortable and tell me to be calm.
I’m calm and not in a hurry chasing anyone. I”m just so relaxed. I’m accepting the fact that wanting something will not affect my state of being thankful-to-be-me if what’s wanted doesn’t happen. At this point my thought is if I’m getting married, I’m happy getting married. If I’m not, I am happy not getting married.
Last Monday I watched a podcast in which Raline Shah was interviewed by Dave Hendrik & Iwet Ramadhan (my favourite duo the DVET) in YouTube. She highlighted what I’ve thought about for so long in life (maybe also what’s been thought about by many female single around me).
And these are some loved statements of hers shareable to you all:
“I want us to still get married but I want to have faith that even if I have this job also be with you. So sometimes this independence creates insecurity in the man I date…”
It was about her stance on her own dream and the man she dated who wanted her to be just a wife instead of a woman with career.
“I would love to compromise my life. I would love to compromise my dreams because getting married is also another dream but I just don’t feel that in your natural state, does that person love you? …. They don’t really like you, they’re just in love with you.”
It was when she was asked if she would compromise her dream for marriage. This is truly a beautiful statement.
“Just be yourself para jomblo. Do what you like, …. And see who likes you for that version of you.”
Yes, being one’s self is a must. Oscar Wilde said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken“.
I hope all single people especially ladies in my culture (or other culture resembling mine) decide to get married or not because of their own choice, not because of no choice. It sounds utopic but it is what it is.
rike jokanan 
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