graphs of my Universe
A gift, Beloved
Breeze bringing a good fragrance
Keeping me with you.
I bought a box of gift for myself – perfume 💗
patchouli is one of my favourite fragrances, it is mostly harvested in Indonesia — there’s a documentary about how patchouli farmers are ‘exploited” for perfume industry
I’m cruelly aware that my liking to scent is making me part of the exploitation. What should I do?
….thinking in awareness & with compassion
If I’m to be a somewhere,
I’d love to be a flower garden
Where butterflies walk their life cycles;
A river bank
Where dragonflies daydream on the grass tips;
A pond
Where frogs get sleepy on the water lily pads;
A forest edge
Where fireflies breathe peacefully;
A meadow
Where silence and crowd collide;
A space
Where you only live to love.
It's locked, Beloved.
Hiding from those not wanted,
Enjoying close doors.
I put my Instagram account back to private from being public. I am not a public figure and not selling anything so why should it be in public mode?
Actually when being public, the account started getting random people following me (although I removed them right away). Not those I wish to follow me 😁
WordPress is still the best platform where I can rant about the public policy and service in my country without being questioned “why are you talking about thing you don’t know?” and whisper about my silent journey within.
Needing some time to stay submerged–
wanting my back garden door in this colour 😍 the one between Japanese garden and the back yard
it's where two sweet hearts
meeting in a quiet meadow
to sing together
(haiku about an ideal marriage of mine)
When I was a high schooler I wanted to get married at 25. At 35 broken-hearted decided to be single forever; at 45 re-opened myself to any possibility–
While in my culture talking about romance or wishing to get married at my age is considered a shame, I proceed. I’m a human being— if they do, why not me? I’m so comfortable to say this even thinking it out loud in front of family and friends; and they were the one sometimes would feel less comfortable and tell me to be calm.
I’m calm and not in a hurry chasing anyone. I”m just so relaxed. I’m accepting the fact that wanting something will not affect my state of being thankful-to-be-me if what’s wanted doesn’t happen. At this point my thought is if I’m getting married, I’m happy getting married. If I’m not, I am happy not getting married.
Last Monday I watched a podcast in which Raline Shah was interviewed by Dave Hendrik & Iwet Ramadhan (my favourite duo the DVET) in YouTube. She highlighted what I’ve thought about for so long in life (maybe also what’s been thought about by many female single around me).
And these are some loved statements of hers shareable to you all:
“I want us to still get married but I want to have faith that even if I have this job also be with you. So sometimes this independence creates insecurity in the man I date…”
It was about her stance on her own dream and the man she dated who wanted her to be just a wife instead of a woman with career.
“I would love to compromise my life. I would love to compromise my dreams because getting married is also another dream but I just don’t feel that in your natural state, does that person love you? …. They don’t really like you, they’re just in love with you.”
It was when she was asked if she would compromise her dream for marriage. This is truly a beautiful statement.
“Just be yourself para jomblo. Do what you like, …. And see who likes you for that version of you.”
Yes, being one’s self is a must. Oscar Wilde said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken“.
I hope all single people especially ladies in my culture (or other culture resembling mine) decide to get married or not because of their own choice, not because of no choice. It sounds utopic but it is what it is.
Cheerio, dear me!
Note: jomblo: single (not married) person
Iwet Ramadhan, Raline Shah, Dave Hendrik
The isle, Beloved
Sails inch by inch through calm breeze
Telling me to breathe.
One, two, Beloved,
Numbers to start a journey
To the zero point.
With ageing I am able to feel the surge of high energy I experienced before. With broken heart I’m so thankful that I’ve got love in this heart. With thirst I appreciate how freshness of water cures me. With the stuck in the head I become more and more familiar that flowing is the only way to love. With scarcity I can grow sense of gratitude with even just a little hope in life.
It’s you. Yes, it’s you. None other but you that makes me. None other but you that puts meaning on the word me. None other but you that moves all this life within me.
How can I be feeling so detached….
If you are the one attaching in all my senses?
If you are the one behaving with this corpse?
If you are the one drawing a circle for me to circumambulate until the two dots meet?
If you are the one?
I surrender. I retreat.
To
You.
Your plodding footsteps
Call me to keep this journey
To where sunrise is.
Wherever I go as long as I’m following my honesty, I’m meeting with you.
I’ve tried denying that life is just a matter of birth to death & struggling between those two, but no life is not that indeed — pain is inevitable but suffering is optional so I prefer put always lightheartedness and useful meaning to steps of life.
One day which is today I plant my believe more deeply as I also believe that this tree of life is not only one growing for a while; this tree of life needs strong & stubborn roots to support itself to the end of universe life.
Thank you for this beautiful life, Beloved. Whatever I’ve gone through is beauty that leads me to the reality of life:
You
There are ways
For those hiding
To stay hidden.
There are ways
For those running
To keep running.
There are ways
For those struggling
To forever struggle.
They say they do it
For those they love.
They claim they do it
For those they care.
They pledged they do it
For those they respect.
Is it true?
Words can lie.
Numbers can manipulate.
Silence can cover.
Yet eyes can't bury
What's sliding with tears
On the face of reality.
Don't lie to me
Honesty saves everyone's time.
I have no time
To have fun
If fun is your way to hide
Your true face from me.
Save yourself
By letting go
Off the masks
That you wear even when alone.
Let it fall off
And I will stride away
With a lot of pray.
Sunset, Beloved
Is the beauty that welcomes
Her serenity.
Gurindam is a form of ancient poem of (old) Malay.
Gurindam 12 (twelve gurindam(s)) is a set of gurindam composed by Raja Ali Haji in 1847. Raja Ali Haji was a poet born in Pulau Penyengat, Kepulauan Riau, Indonesia in 1808. He is one of national heroes of Indonesia.
I read it back then in junior high school when comprehension was not really well obtained. I wish to fully understand this gurindam before time is up.
Enjoy….
Will it be possible to not long for you? I'm a satellite following you with measured distance, a constant give-and-take or push-and-pull.
Am I a moon to you the earth? Are you the earth to me the sun? Am I the sun to you the centre of the galaxy? Are you the galaxy to me the black hole? Or are you the moon to me the earth? Am I the earth to you the sun? Are you the sun to me the galaxy? Am I the galaxy to you the black hole? So and so.... We are revolving each other through layers or orbits just to find one self.
How beautiful how we position to each other truly is! Traveling together in a journey that we both silently know, religiously follow. It's the you that's me, it's the you that's you.
I found years ago that life is originally like this: flat, neutral, tasteless. It’s just life.
Then I realised that if I kept myself a log in a river, I would be deadly drifted before sinking somewhere unknown. And so I decided to be the river, a flowing river: moving as the stream not the one rolled by the stream.
So I put meanings: chosen meanings to my life. So I put some creativity (not much): little innovation to make my life more comfortable. So I put generosity: small sharing with those I care. So I put a pinch of drama: with which I concoct secret love with you & by which no one is disturbed. So I put jazz: relaxed beats in life that make me feel so much alive.
For those enjoying jazz, either music or vibe!
April 30 is International Jazz Day
At times it's hard to deal with what's factual
Yet I talk to the face in the mirror:
Aren't all these present by your previous decisions?
Or do you regret of taking what considered best by then?
Nothing is in vain.
There's always a trail I can trace back: choices and decisions I made.
What lesson?
Now don't regret. Tomorrow don't repeat the same mistakes. Yesterday is always valuable lesson. Never (again) blame others.
Is that what's truly it? Maybe just for me, not for everyone.
It's timed, Beloved
That that evolves. It won't last.
How blessed I'm mortal.
Life list, Beloved,
Not about glory or lost.
It's what truly costs.
I used to list what I wanted to do. Every year I made the list longer until I stopped as I’ve found primary list that I won’t forget to make come true.
One of them is writing my own book (I’ve written with friends in anthology books) so I’m working on it.
Another one is having a home where family and friends feel the true selves in them. My first house was but as it is located not in a preferred place, I decided to make a new one. Working on it–
Many more and I’m working on all of them.
They might come true or not as age is not predictable yet at least I’m working on all of them.
Sooner or later
Amen
When I am in love, I feel like traveling in a parabolic track and passing by its vertex, a turning point.
Vertex is either the highest or the lowest point of a parabola. It is a point in which a mirror perfectly reflects left and right sides of a parabola. It is where a journey turns to climb up or glide down depending on what direction the parabola faces.
The vertex always lies on the axis of symmetry of a parabola, which is a vertical line that divides the parabola into two equal halves. It’s no different from life journey: only when all phases are gone through, the energy will repay. When the negativity is reaching its peak, life glides to the positive side and the other way around. Life will not let someone stay too long in one side of the story. Fair. Karmic. Cause-Effect.
Loving one person with a start and an end can be a perfect parabolic line with a vertex well found: balanced, symmetrical and fair. It’s not about reciprocity at the same time about reciprocity. It’s not about a broken heart, at the same time about a broken heart. It’s a line of perceptions that bounce back and forth mirroring each other until lesson is learnt (maximum/minimum value of a vertex).
From a cone I also learnt versions of love: Circle is a perfect love. Ellipse is full love with inclination. Hyperbola is love of one person to/for more than one person. It can be romantic or not.
A lame analysis; just for fun while enjoying Jakarta (heavy) traffic ☺️
What's origami?
Paper in a pair of hands,
Finding its beauty--
Dear, Child.
Look at the stars
Blinking their signs;
The shooting star
Burning their directions;
The glowing sky
Telling their histories.
Dear, Child.
Listen to the old songs.
See the old galaxies.
Touch the swirling dusts.
Taste the sweetness of comets.
Smell the expanding universe.
All no limit
But your definition.
Hug me
As we travel.
Trust me
As we wander.
Like I hug
You,
Like I trust
You.
Dear Child.
body and soul is like a female and a male in a marriage as discussed in classes of spirituality
in Javanese tradition body is symbolizing the female that is also the earth — accepting, submissive and intuitive; while soul is symbolizing the male that is also the heaven — giving, powerful and guiding
yet to me it’s not always that way; to me yes body and soul is like a mother and a child — the mother holding an infant (can be a girl or a boy) in a state that the mother is making sure the child is purely happy
I personally believe as long as the soul remains childlike, the body is not suffering — accepting what is is the key
about this life I sometimes don’t want to define as definition is a limit
and so I don’t force my understanding to anyone even to those I love the most because spiritual experience is very personal, cannot be forced, can only be synchronised through mutual journey
that’s why spiritual journey is called silent path; even when we’re in the same discussion room, the expansion of understanding might be different from one another
let’s accept our own silent path with no judgment
❣️
Notes: it’s my personal thought, doesn’t mean to influence anyone, a ranting of a life traveler
How do I look, Love
Before the mirror of heart
Talking honesty.
Who doesn’t want to look young or beautiful at the longest time? Looking young and beautiful is one of the best feelings in life. But how far can human beings stretch themselves to stay young?
Today I bumped into a movie in the flight from Hanoi to Singapore: The Substance in which a woman (played by Demi Moore) is struggling of being not wanted in the industry because of not looking as young anymore. The horror of doing so much to stay young gave me a wake-up call that liking it or not, I who looks younger than her age will definitely age and weaken through time.
How long can I stay young naturally?
I won’t look young all the time especially as I decided to not do expensive facial and body treatment. Factually that’s very not necessary (for me).
Truly at 65 this body is weak and can’t work as now. By then I hope that I can appropriately function as a wise soul staying in a relatively healthy body that does light works everyday until time kindly escorts me to the next gate of life.
Dear, Life.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Please always guide me to stay in the path of human being in the making as long as time allows. I might not get everything grandiose but I don’t want to lose anything precious.
Please give me big heart enough to always experience joy through all senses and to share it everyday.
Happy weekend❣️
A knot is a safe
For love to bind a promise
Until time is up.
I bought the gold knot stud earrings in Madrid, a place making me realise that a most stunning place can be the least safe one
when buying it, I didn’t know the meaning of knot: they just looked stunning
only when ending the 20-day solo travel in some EU countries, I know the knot stud earring means love and unity
beautiful!
All dreams should be sweet.
They should leave beautiful trails
To be well followed.
living with acceptance is a dream
and I’ve achieved it to some extent; I’ve learnt letting go each and every day
and now I want to enjoy my life with someone who has the same project with mine: to live loving & forgiving, to die loved & forgiven
because to me that’s the only way to live happily
They ask, Beloved
Why repeated the same thing?
Based on what you do--
why I say the same ideas repeatedly, only moving the point of view?
because those are the things I not only know but also embrace, internalise and experience in life
saying something I don’t truly know and feel and walk feels like not stepping on the ground
❣️
Clear glasses, my love
With which colours and shapes seen
Are cleaned everyday.
it’s both the glass container and the glass spectacles should be clean to see clearly
exactly like one person’s action and the other’s perspective
❣️
Kitchen calls, my love
Those in love with life and taste
And the folks in heart.
today’s ifthar with so much love
we call it bothok not the Botox injection — it’s tempeh, anchovy in grated coconut + santan wrapped by my hands in banana leaves 😍
sayur asem (sour soup) normally the sourness is from tamarind but today I used buah kedondong peel
Japanese cracker that I love always
still the Bac Ninh oranges
kedondong
Stacking oranges
Shine on a fruit container.
Loved fruits to fulfill
Love has many languages: more than 5 to express it. Fulfilment has only 1: getting/giving what’s wanted.
Fulfilment can be the feeling of getting attention, receiving compliment, passing a test, making a relationship, owning a dream house, invited to important events, getting this or having that.
But love…. I still feel my father’s love although he passed away > 20 years ago. I feel my mother’s love although she lives far away. I still feel my siblings’ love although we don’t talk with each other everyday. It’s the time & moments we’ve cherished . It’s smiles & jokes when gathering in our small dining room. It’s their hi through WhatsApp asking where I am & telling me to be well. It’s the reconciliation after small fights. It’s the blood that I can’t unflow from this body. It’s the karma to serve in the same family. The prayers that I know sent through whisper & breath every time we remember each other. My best friends are included, too.
I constantly need love; without love I will lose hope & die in despair. It stays in the heart & soul, fueling the journey of human being in the making. No expiry date for love: beyond time & space.
I need fulfilment in certain timelines. No big house forever. Not much money forever. No jewelry forever. I won’t need this body forever. The best limit for fulfilment is “in moderation”, “enough” & yes it’s based on my own evaluation.
I claim this shallow mind about love & fulfilment. I’m learning.
Thank you.
Note: This might not work for you. Find your own life treasure within.
💗
I speak with you
With no language.
When with you,
I know no time.
In you I find me.
In me I find you.
Then we separate
To miss each other,
To love
With no limit.
I'm loaded
With burdens
That are not on my body.
The suffering borne
By others
Has leak in
To this porous heart.
Let me be
In rest, Beloved
In the flow of
My slow life
That doesn't chase what I used to chase,
That doesn't crave what I used to crave,
That embraces the acceptance of what is,
That sits alone in room with
You.
how can I not care to those sick, hungry and sad around me who seek help from me? I’ve cried and maybe it is time to stop for a while
just for a while, Beloved
just for a while
before I walk again in this narrow path with grass and daisies around
to where my love suits her scent
let me rest for a while
before it’s time to be your loving hands again for a longer while
thank you….
❣️
Let there be light.
Let there be light.
Light in heart.
Light of heart.
Light around heart.
Light through heart.
Light borrowed.
Light lent.
Light along this journey.
Light journey.
Light heart.
this heart feels the lightest when I’m riding my bike, exploring the greenery around the neighborhood
rain, I love you but please pause on just one day so I can either visit the water lilies in the river or tropical flowers in the paths around the reservoir
💛
Journey, Beloved,
To the line where I started,
Timed with acceptance--
some people think when an effort doesn’t result in what is targetted, it means a loss — to me it is not a loss, it is a lesson learnt not to do better to win but to know how to let go more immediately, gracefully with less pain
no, not all can do that earlier — some people are just loving to compete against anyone in their journey not knowing it is a silent journey, they think any lane with others present is called a race
no, not all can do that earlier — some people think they are much more superior that can consider themselves excel in everything not knowing that they silently are left behind by many authentically much better in most aspects of life
”m sure everyone will be able to do it when the time is coming
it doesn’t matter, we’re all children of life
☺️
Note: negating, denying, ignoring: patterns that slow down maturity process
Wisdom, Beloved
Mothers who are born the last
By daughters called life.
a book from Periplus Plaza Indonesia – good to read during a massage with Mbak Idah
Jakarta has given me a short delay from a fast-paced life.
❣️
rike jokanan 
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