graphs of my Universe
They say loving intensely is a waste.
No.
Loving you intensely is simply
Throwing you a sweet smile,
Holding your hand,
Walking with you,
Sitting in silence next to you,
Staring the same scenery,
Breathing the same air,
Humming a tune that some day heaven knows which day
Only love does matter.
Rain, don't go away.
There's a clay land to spray, then
I'll welcome what may.
i love rainy season as much as i love autumn as they feel like falling in love everyday; i love other seasons as they feel like dreaming of an upcoming love everyday
💕
I'm a soul of thousands of years,
Traveling through space and time
To introduce a flow of notes
Performing a play
Full of poems.
Someday the story will be
Composed in prose.
Do you care to read,
Beloved?
Weather, Beloved
Changes with the wind and sun.
Different from my heart:
Stubbornly dances for you
Even when the rain falls hard.
rain stopped when i reached home (with my keys) but the cold was wrapping my wet body — after some light shower, i decided to cook my favourite oxtail soup (lucky i boiled the oxtail this morning – i am blessed with every luck)
who said blessings don’t come when someone is under the weather? the weather waves white towel to this person just because of a bowl of oxtail soup, a bowl of pomelo and plums and a bowl of yoghurt
trust the gut and even bad weather will turn to a sweet evening
How can I be loved? Asked I.
She said:
There's no way out
But in;
To bravely expose
The beauty within
To the beast without,
To sincerely open
The beast within
To the beauty without.
Getting yourself observed,
Criticised,
Appreciated,
Evaluated,
Complimented,
Gossiped,
Praised,
Judged through
Word and look
As sharp as
Guillotine.
Being vulnerable
Is amazingly
Magical--
It gives victory
To an exhausted troop
Right before
They fall into an abyss
Of despair.
Be
Vulnerable,
That's the way to be
Loved.
whatever they say, i prance lightheartedly — my dreams are beyond what they think 💕
You're a book she's read,
Much to digest and absorb.
A witty preface--
i breathe books in everyone i meet; their life stories are all worth telling; some in secret, some in public — no one is unworthy
sometimes i can sense a dazzling story just by reading its preface; sometimes the preface doesn’t represent the helter-skelter conflicts within the book; sometimes a book simply puts me to sleep soundly
😎
Your breath, Beloved,
Reaches me between my breath
And whispers your love.
You touch this heart through ripples
That moves dust from its surface.
clear and true 💕
A tiny feather
Leaves a trace on still water.
Message to the calm--
be true
When love is set free,
It rushes out to fly true
To its home called heart.
be true
Good morning, dear self.
Fly my love across the sea
Where heaven's sitting.
RC Gorman’s work of art – i feel strongly Gorman knew exactly how it feels to be a not-married woman: dressing herself nicely, wearing herself comfortably, greeting environment sweetly, loving her own self dearly like loving her beloved
Happy birthday, myself.
Continue doing what you love.
If not, love what you are doing with commitment, discipline and some gentleness called love.
Know that every single deed be recorded in a ribbon coiling around you, reviewed and rewarded.
Know that however sincere and true you are,
You sometimes will be misunderstood
Even by those closest to you,
And sometimes explanation won't clear the way.
Just be true,
Be kind.
Or, walk out of the room for a while.
Enjoy your double-life: being one in the crowded road and the other in the silent pathway, always
With some sprinkle of love.
You are blessed.
A moment of happiness, you and I sitting on the verandah, apparently two, but one in soul, you and I. (Rumi)
I am 49 today….
….feeling blessed with what I’ve been given. #andnotgiven
….feeling good with by whom I’ve been surrounded. #andnotsurrounding
….feeling lucky that still looking younger than my age (said one selling me a life insurance and said ones selling me bright coloured dresses). #paradoxicallyblessed
When people say “age is just a number”, I’ve always disagreed. Age is counted with number to highlight various processes and stories along a linear line although to me life is never linear, it’s always inward spiral. Originally the phrase “just a number” is to comfort those afraid to age, those who think getting old is scary and less favourable. In fact, getting old is fun and blessed. I’ve never thought that I still can have fun at this age, responsibly do what I love to, go to places in bucket list (no backpacking), dress the way I love to, fall in love every single day with myself and those making me love myself more, look forward to dreams coming true, and a lot more. I am talking about getting old, not being dead– the latter is mysterious and I’m still not committed to be 🤓
What is the essence of getting old to me? Getting old is a journey ahead of total maturation of how a human being chooses to responsibly respond & tactfully react to given situations; and a journey back home to childlike sincerity within of how a human being playfully celebrates failures and successes of life. I refresh maturity each day, at the same time playfulness and candour.
When birthday comes, people like to remind me of me being Virgo, but am I truly a Virgo just because of being born in Sep? I am not sure, in fact Virgo is in both my sun and moon, my rising/ascendant is Aquarius and several other zodiac signs sit in the other houses in the chart. Actually yes I see at times I am a pendulum swinging from being “Virgo’s pragmatic approaches, worrisome nature and rigid ideas” to being “Aquarian’s free-spirit, living life one day at a time, enjoying here-now moment” and in between I am transiting in different zodiac signs in experiencing this precious life. By Chinese astrology I am a Rabbit. By Javanese astrology, oh sooo complicated!
Particular family members, friends & colleagues quote astrology to assure me that they know my personality when commenting about my behaviours.
“It’s because you’re Virgo so you are like this,” said they. “It’s because you’re a Rabbit so you are like that”. “It’s because you’re blahblahblah….”
Well, I respect their willingness to at least understand about me through the pseudoscience called astrology. They don’t judge with bare hands, they present something to my hands. Science or pseudoscience to me though must follow my conscience; their opinion might slip from between the pores of my existence, from between fingers of these hands.
Anyways, to my understanding about this self: I simply accept that this person called Rike is a combination of inherited & evolving DNA, family upbringing & social interaction, life experience & trauma, decided responses & reactions, hopes & dreams; which might happen in awareness or not, well organized or random. If astrology does matter, it is only part of all. Once a human being understands one’s self through one’s own self (in Javanese wisdom it includes but not be limited to “mawas diri” or self examination), astrology knowledge is just frills in a gown.
Please don’t get offended by my personal opinion, take it as a stupid if not humble one.
Whatever strong opinions about or labels given to me –how ugly or how grand– by other human beings won’t change the true me that I experience intimately. I won’t let those labels rob this intimacy. Even all identities I embrace dearly shouldn’t shake this intimacy. Those human beings labelling me and I are raw stones massively tumbled in a giant tumbling machine called life; we each other all hit, break, scratch, polish to finally shine and show the true colours of each of us. How painfully beautiful at the same time beautifully painful life is!
Thank you, Gusti Allah for this beautiful journey called human life.
I know you’ve had boundless repertoire of sweet surprises. Please give me wonderful time like always.
💕
The lights, Beloved
Bring what dark has long hidden,
Disclose where to walk.
the structure in the picture is called The “Monument to Man” located on the hill above Chisholme House standing as an invitation to all of humanity to return to the origin of all love and to express it in the world
it is a tombstone of Bulent Rauf, a sufi master who founded the Beshara School where life is discussed and experienced through discourses and daily experience
i never thought that my inner journey would achieve its major disclosure in that remote place, far away from my home, poles apart from my culture
one friend sent this picture to the whatsapp group: the aurora borealis light on the “Monument to Man” — this brings my memory back to my stay there, a serene at the same time busy days
for 10 days i did a full day of work among the scheduled English morning & afternoon tea, breakfast, lunch and dinner — i celebrated my birthday silently, i kept it secret, and i felt so close to my own self, until now i believe all of us felt the same with what i felt and i wanted everyone to celebrate their serene days without distraction
since then i’ve committed to keep myself true to myself so i can be true to all; but what i do is just a little of it as i am not a saint, i am not either pious or religious, i am a sinner, i am a walking dirt but i want to keep my tiny spark shine within me and so it goes…. a human being in the making
💕
thank you
If I'm asked to plan,
I'll plan colourful events
Where bravery rules.
plunge into ocean of possibilities – be brave, Beloved; you’ve failed and fallen, another plunge won’t kill
execute the plan to once again plunge into it and then…. done
💕
Guide me, Beloved
Traveling in this dark maze.
Keep my trust intact.
our work group is moved from building 1 to building 3 before later finally to building 2
how much ever we love building 1 (we all don’t like working in high floor), we must move as building 1 will only be used for new process bloody heaven knows what
what makes me rather ok with building 3 6th floor is that it has a “garden” that is very helpful for me who don’t enjoy low temperature for too long — today i stayed in the garden for 30′ to warm my body
it has some natural plant, but plastic grass 🙃
today was my 1st day in building 3 6th floor — i was lost going to toilet then guided by janitor, lost to pantry guided by unknown colleague, lost to find the lift guided by another unknown colleague
thank you!
What's best, Beloved?
The one assigned to you now.
It's one and for all.
she is not the best mother compared to others, might not even better, but i think she is the best assigned to me
it’s great to talk to my mother now and then; please live healthy and longer, Ibu 😘
Beloved,
It is about whether or not
The path is walked.
Not about prediction,
Not about opinion,
Not about hurting or getting hurt,
Not about giving up,
Not about result.
This journey is
Mine.
The destination is
You.
The end is
Heaven knows.
Today’s dinner
please don’t judge hungry stomach — today was another reading, cooking and eating plus a bit of napping, laundry was missed and will be done tomorrow night after office 😎
this plate is a work of 3-hour labor of an amateur: potato perkedel (potato hash mixed with minced beef), fried rice with corn in Balinese sambal matah & teri kacang (my 1st attempt soooo challenging, too sweet, almost giving up, next time better with different recipe) – yay❣️
i made chicken soup for my own soul and my friend sent me sourdough from her bakery — alhamdulillah….
RAMBUTAN!!! 😍 exotic tropical fruit
It's confusing.
Tell me how
I should love
You.
Is it to shine
As a sun does?
Is it to glow
As a star does?
Is it to reflect
As a moon does?
Is it to pass by
As a comet does?
I'm none of those.
I am now loving
You as the space does,
It is to contain
Your existence,
Embracing what's all
In and about
You.
Tell me how
I should love
You.
RC Gorman’s work of art
A book, Beloved
Soaks a soul in clean water.
Washed off and refreshed--
I read a book by Haemin Sunim, Love for Imperfect Things. It is second book from him I’ve read, the first was When Things Don’t Go Your Way. While the latter felt like diving into my own understanding of life– a set of confirmation of what I’ve done and/or understood in life; the currently read is like a playful garden to me, giving me more space to reinterpret my life based on Haemin Sunim’s point of view.
I’ve stopped reading “heavy books”, those that make me more intelligent with bunches of upgraded sciences and knowledge, more critical towards others’ (different from me), more analytical around my folks (outside work), more rigid in forgiving those “making mistakes”. I am now trying to dull the knife in my mind, I’d love to have curvy corners that will just give slight sensation without wound when bumping or bumped by my fellow human beings.
💕
Yes, I am now a weak book reader, but I am an avid reader of my own heart and life.
This book reminds me that I should be bonding myself to an anchor called compassion in life so whatever happens to or around me, it is always love and kindness that become my basis of judgement and decision.
thank you, Haemin Sunim — how grateful i am to have read this book
Most books I am now attracted to are fiction, short books, those illustrated, colourful, with picture collection. I read some biography but only of my favourite people (now reading Alan Rickman’s).
Not a fan of “self help” books either as I don’t need to be helped, just need to sit together with a company to listen and to be listened to.
every chapter is as powerful as decades of dripping water that forms a smooth hole on a rock 💕
thanks to my favourite person for recommending this book; i wish to see you soon 💕
Continuing reading Haemin Sunim’s next book–
If I'm to follow,
It's only to follow you.
Do you mind me to?
the sun, sunflower and a weekend
My life is poetry
I recite in solitude.
As short as Basho's haiku,
As long as Bhagavad Gita--
No ears are to hear,
No critic is to review,
As private as a fetus in the womb, dearly loved--
As hidden as an unexplored cave, well protected--
There will be time when it travels out
To a place called a meadow of flowers
Where words become meaningless,
Senses truthfully shout.
That day I'll recite my life
To that whom I truly endear.
That day I'll sing my song
About the love I truly adhere.
a humble life is a tiny drop of water pushing out ripples on a placid pond– hidden and loved
Looking for one face behind the cloud,
I meet a smiling sky whispering
"Land and meet one while your feet are on the ground."
Dear sky,
How paradoxical this dream is!
I've dreamt of a perfect angel
Only to find that the perfect is a real sample of imperfection.
How paradoxical this fear is!
I've been afraid of imperfect ghost
Only to see that the imperfect is a real specimen of perfection.
How paradoxical that both perfection and imperfection reside in the same home!
Step by step
I crawl down from the bed
And go to the garden
Where I guess singing birds are hopping from one swaying twig to another,
Butterflies are flying around bright coloured flowers.
What I find is silent dews gliding on sleepy leaves,
Dragonflies perching on tips of coarse leaves.
They're though real and I befriend with a verse of beauty.
Dear sky,
Always bring me naked truth with which I can be real.
Thank you.
it’s not where i want to find you; if you’re there, i will immediately leave you because it mustn’t be the real you
💕
Your style's, Beloved
Yours that cajoles her to move
Current point of view.
i’m not a fan of French style but this hotel makes me feel home in Hanoi so i accept the style as it is and make it my preferred hotel
Tongue tied, Beloved
Seeing you're celebrating.
Wishing you from here!
a north star is where you find an answer
I wish I know
You better
So there won't be useless tears falling to long for
You.
I wish to meet
You now
So there won't be useless words
Uttered in secret for
You.
I wish to be with
You, too
So there won't be useless thought dancing restlessly for
You.
But I won't force to be with
You soon
As the timing is predestined by and arranged for
You.
counting my falling hair before finally meeting you
💕
Everything, dear self
Has its own time, no delay.
There is never doubt.
when my doubt is unbearable, i will open the Quran and ask to be given one answer to my doubt — after some short meditative moment; i will randomly open a page and the first part that i see or point with my forefinger, i will simply take it as the answer
and this is the most recent one when i asked about doubt “…. and He has appointed a term in which there is no doubt.”
it might be a coincidence that the “no doubt” appeared to me when i asked about doubt
it is not a scientific process to make a decision, but i choose to believe it because i don’t want to lose the ability to rely on intuition in time when logic cannot help
it takes practices and acceptance to embrace this simple (speculative) way of making decision, and it takes humility (for a logical person like me) to humbly believe
thank you, Gusti 💕
Want I
To be surrounded by
You
Where laughter is generous,
Thought is serious,
Confidence is contagious,
Maturity is glorious.
How merry
To have conversation hilarious!
Once in a while though days look rigorous,
That's when it is to my senses obvious,
To my thought serious
That you're famous
Surrounded by
Thousands of those
Marvelous.
Sigh I.
surrounded by beauty
Ripples call you, Love
To go back home and sit still
Through questions and doubts.
ripples
i started learning spirituality from my father
that he made mistakes, yes but i still respect him as a human being who regretted his wrong doings then taught us how to dive in to the depth of our own selves
he was one of those teaching me that what we do is like an object falling on to surface of water; the heavier the gravity, the bigger and farther the ripples will occur
the volume and distance of the ripples will be affected by the weight of the falling object and also the stillness of the water….
…. analogically a still heart will be able to better catch subtle ripples than a moving heart can do
i hope i am gifted with good senses in a still heart so i don’t have to wait until something “bad” happens to stop my wrong/inappropriate actions/doings — in Javanese we can call it “janma limpad seprapat tamat”
Trace of a sweet heart
Resonates across the earth
With its clear fragrance.
ripples will not stop until edge of the lake and will reflect back to the source
Ripples of her love
Widely travel to the edge
Of the universe.
ripples
No doubt is playing.
She finds this journey blessing.
No more pretending--
‘ve never stayed in this hotel before, rather unusual but there is a blessing in disguise; the hotel room i’m staying has dandelions at one of its corner — i take it as a confirmation to all my prayer, i’ve got no doubt anymore about this journey 💕 the outcome though is not in my control
rike jokanan 
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