graphs of my Universe
Silently I pass by,
You gracefully nod to me
Like my mom waving hand at me.
Lotus,
You're there observing me
And others living so busy.
You're mute witnessing
How hectic human's life can be,
No second can be wasted
To earn
Yet every breath is missed
To learn.
lotus in the hotel court yard
in silence witnessing life
Your style's, Beloved
Yours that cajoles her to move
Current point of view.
i’m not a fan of French style but this hotel makes me feel home in Hanoi so i accept the style as it is and make it my preferred hotel
Roses,
You are bright
As bright as her eyes
When finding the way
And she's relieved.
Roses,
You are shiny
As shiny as her hair
When reflecting the sunray
And she's radiant.
Roses,
You are prickly
As prickly as her mood
When getting hurt
And she's fiery.
Roses,
You are wild
As wild as her rage
When becoming uncontroled
And she's sorry.
Roses,
You are quiet
As quiet as her composure
When realising the truth
And she's calm.
Roses,
You are muted
As muted as her body
When taking a rest
And she's refreshed.
Roses,
You can be everything
As complete as her existence
When getting enlightened
And she's humbled.
everytime in-room dining is served, a stem of rose in a vase will accompany the food
once done, the tray will be taken back and i ask for permission to put the rose in the vase in the room
and at the end of my stay there will be roses as many as how many times i choose to dine in the room than to go out (recently being evening lazed mode on)
And so does it, Love
Doors closed are blessings to those
Needing to move on.
duck never fails me….
….and so does mango salad
oh so fresh and refreshing, gone in less than 30 minutes; let’s move on…
Tongue tied, Beloved
Seeing you're celebrating.
Wishing you from here!
a north star is where you find an answer
She's calmed, Beloved,
By evening breeze and shade.
Simple as breathing--
i’m back to my preferred hotel, not the hotel on the lake; this is Hoan Kiem lake where i love to just sit on a bench by the lake for a while before going back to hotel for dinner or having coffee or dessert
should i or should i not?
Lucky, Beloved-
A path cleared to be walked on
With warm heart and smile.
i received a bunch of luck today: in the same flight with a colleague (sorry, i didn’t check iCal, buddy), given a room whose number is ended with 88 which is lucky number in Vietnamese culture, finding this song again after some time
hopefully i am lucky enough with all my preps to complete the work well
luck is simply small things to be humbly acknowledged
hello, Hanoi; you’ve been kind to me, i’ll be kinder to you
I wish I know
You better
So there won't be useless tears falling to long for
You.
I wish to meet
You now
So there won't be useless words
Uttered in secret for
You.
I wish to be with
You, too
So there won't be useless thought dancing restlessly for
You.
But I won't force to be with
You soon
As the timing is predestined by and arranged for
You.
counting my falling hair before finally meeting you
ð
Everything, dear self
Has its own time, no delay.
There is never doubt.
when my doubt is unbearable, i will open the Quran and ask to be given one answer to my doubt — after some short meditative moment; i will randomly open a page and the first part that i see or point with my forefinger, i will simply take it as the answer
and this is the most recent one when i asked about doubt “…. and He has appointed a term in which there is no doubt.”
it might be a coincidence that the “no doubt” appeared to me when i asked about doubt
it is not a scientific process to make a decision, but i choose to believe it because i don’t want to lose the ability to rely on intuition in time when logic cannot help
it takes practices and acceptance to embrace this simple (speculative) way of making decision, and it takes humility (for a logical person like me) to humbly believe
thank you, Gusti ð
Dear kitchen,
I promise you
To love you
As long as
You let me sing
While cooking.
grilled saba from my kitchen and friends from outside (i ate 1.5 saba….)
i’m crazy about deep fried & carrot – all from my kitchen
the chicken in the heart shaped bowl is garang asem, favourite! my kitchen loves me!
Want I
To be surrounded by
You
Where laughter is generous,
Thought is serious,
Confidence is contagious,
Maturity is glorious.
How merry
To have conversation hilarious!
Once in a while though days look rigorous,
That's when it is to my senses obvious,
To my thought serious
That you're famous
Surrounded by
Thousands of those
Marvelous.
Sigh I.
surrounded by beauty
If I were a scent,
I would be herbal.
If I were a scent,
I would be flowers.
If I were a scent,
I would be sandalwood.
If I were a scent,
I would be musk.
If I were a scent,
I would be sea breeze.
If I were a scent,
I would be mountain dew.
What other scents could
I become?
Floral?
Oriental?
Woody?
Fresh?
If I were a scent,
I would be anything that's
Loved to breath in by
You.
Ripples call you, Love
To go back home and sit still
Through questions and doubts.
ripples
i started learning spirituality from my father
that he made mistakes, yes but i still respect him as a human being who regretted his wrong doings then taught us how to dive in to the depth of our own selves
he was one of those teaching me that what we do is like an object falling on to surface of water; the heavier the gravity, the bigger and farther the ripples will occur
the volume and distance of the ripples will be affected by the weight of the falling object and also the stillness of the water….
…. analogically a still heart will be able to better catch subtle ripples than a moving heart can do
i hope i am gifted with good senses in a still heart so i don’t have to wait until something “bad” happens to stop my wrong/inappropriate actions/doings — in Javanese we can call it “janma limpad seprapat tamat”
Trace of a sweet heart
Resonates across the earth
With its clear fragrance.
ripples will not stop until edge of the lake and will reflect back to the source
Ripples of her love
Widely travel to the edge
Of the universe.
ripples
Zero's, Beloved
Count erased, leaving nothing.
Peaceful in motion--
shunya: zero, nothingness, void, emptiness, a state of awareness in which the mind is brought to complete stillness, perfect harmony, neutrality, peaceful calm
enso = shunya
many think zero is meaningless, which is wrong
it is a number that brings a lot of meanings
zero is an important number that enable mathematic to progress exponentially, it is a number between negative and positive, it enables formation of whole numbers and decimal numbers, it represents a place with no amount or value
good discussion today at lunch break with some jokes and wittiness
Living light, dear love
Gives her a flowing river
And peaceful meadow.
live a true life responsibly and lightly day by day is a great wisdom i found in this late 40’s — damn, i’ll be 50 by end of next year, yeah yeah! ð
Three that cheer, dear self
Gather in a space to laugh
And plan other dates.
you can share our pic, just blur it, ok? ð
done, ladies
gathering in SW’s apartment
my favourite ladies: they drink without getting drunk, i get drunk without drinking
all ranting and nagging about our getting older together; i love you, ladiesâĢïļ
past midnight (2am) kept us more awake
thank you, ladies; i need to catch the ferry this morning at 7:40 to be back to my work in Batam so i need to sleep soon — gather again next year either in Jogja or Taipei
one slice for three
sourdough from JC’s new bakery in Taipei ð
No doubt is playing.
She finds this journey blessing.
No more pretending--
‘ve never stayed in this hotel before, rather unusual but there is a blessing in disguise; the hotel room i’m staying has dandelions at one of its corner — i take it as a confirmation to all my prayer, i’ve got no doubt anymore about this journey ð the outcome though is not in my control
Look at nature's work.
Coloured, shaped, structured and timed.
I shout the delight.
walking through a site is fulfilling, i not only see how the environment is maintained but also capture how nature expresses her beauty freely and beautifully —
this mimosa is beautiful, said i
when i said beautiful, it is not precisely about the subject of discussion (mimosa), it is about how my mind labels the state of emotional response (to the mimosa) happening within me — the same emotion can be interpreted differently by other people based on their schemata, belief system, cultural and physical environment and other possible factors; when i am in bad mood, i might think that same mimosa as just weeds; when i don’t assign emotion to see my surrounding, i might not even regard the same mimosa
so i might never be as objective as expected by many, but definition of emotional labels is discussable and/or debatable and that is where communication will be lively if done with smiles (or laughter)
you’re beautiful ð
These dreams are brewing,
Longing to see a meadow
Where flowers blossom.
heart is where the dreams brew before traveling to another heart that accepts them fully
only Wind can make it happen
thank you for giving me a lot of sleep recently so i can claim back my battery ð
Just across the strait
Lies a land bringing old hopes
Swarmed by new dreamers.
this is my 1st Batam trip since 2020, i used to travel there every quarter for biz; when biz is off, ….. — Batam, be nice to me these next 3 days
Comfort zone's, dear self
A clear bubble waits to burst.
Life is just like that.
need warm soup for weekend comfort: veggies n sukiyaki beef in dashi stock, tempe + torch ginger — imperfect combination but i love both ð
need a second helping of soup and fruit before back curling up in bed reading then hopefully falling to sleep
Pondering where this tiny love story means,
Counting breathing through hope in highs and lows.
In I breath fragrance of rose, out jasmine.
How beautiful! No one but a key knows.
The breeze sometimes softly shakes the heartbeat.
The river flows tampering a quiet mind.
The fire ignites a heart that longs to meet.
Under the drizzle the sun warmly shines.
Beloved, is it you she's waiting for?
Is it her you're letting in your grand throne?
The cloud hanging disguises sweet flavor,
Or the flavor is love and love alone?
Love is beautiful with cloudy sweet dream.
If time allows, rain stops, be shown sunbeam.
there’s a girl within falling in love, a woman without daydreaming of love
be real, woman! the girl is as true as your love itself
never doubt your heart; trust your life
Wrap me, Beloved
With a blanket that calms down
And colours my heart.
today was a painful day, my emotion was so drained and i need a long battery charge before starting a new week — a thick blanket would be good
some days pull me too deep then suddenly kick me high abruptly or the other way round; i am now back to my grip ‘coz life is just like that
alhamdulillah
ð
Relax, Beloved,
There's a place for victory
Other than fighting.
finding that Sunday evening i will be away, i changed my Japanese food craving to today, tomorrow will be my packing day for next two trips, reading and chasing wind
Friday’s message: just relaxxx and eat crabbb!
She won't let go, Love
The softness and clarity
She's gained through tough years.
found it this morning and sent it to Ina and Novi, my bestfriends — humble human beings whose heart talks to me with blissful joy, i to them and would be on and on
thank youâĢïļ
Facing my face, Love
Is facing hell in heaven
Or heaven in hell.
All human beings must face “when things don’t go your way”. Everyone of us! And I believe sooner or later each of us will get enlightened to realise that all of us are monks in the making. IndeedâĢïļ
Here is one of many of mine.
How I deal with my health….
My 1-week retreat (Tapa Brata) experience in Bali Usada has given me a key to facing my own face within. My first Tapa Brata was in 2018 then two more after that.
This retreat really dismantles participants’ reading/writing/listening tools and speaking activity and all electronic gadgets (all are safe kept by Bali Usada during retreat) which will need professional deal for professional participants to be totally off– no one outside the retreat center can contact you directly, your killer boss will probably scold at you if you don’t take the call.
We meditate 9 hours per day, listening to 3-4 hours of lectures, physical workout and personal daily activities (cleaning, eating, sleeping, etc). No others–
We don’t speak with others except facilitators and only whispering when truly needed. We don’t listen except to instructions from facilitors, lectures from Bapak Merta Ada, natural sounds (silence of quiet night, falling rain, rustling wind, cracking woods, splashing water, chirping insects, crying night birds, whispering ghosts maybe….). We don’t read anything except the announcement and material posted on the wall bulletin. We don’t write except when allowed and on the paper and pencil given by facilitator.
Imagine one week only interacting with your own self. Before joining in 2018 I thought it would be relatively easy because I’ve learnt meditation since 2010. But in reality I vomitted several days after meditation finding how hard and disgusting seeing my own shadows within without distraction and no sharing plus with hidden health issues.
My 2nd and 3rd were with different challenges but I will not share it here.
It was not easy to face guilt, abandonment, feeling of unwanted, shame, anger, ignorance, arrogance, stupidity, etc within myself plus physical heaviness. I cried almost everyday, I could not sleep, I felt desperate being me, I regretted joining the retreat, I screamed in my silent meditation begging Pak Merta Ada or the facilitators to just pause the meditation– those all happened until day 4. It went smoothly from day 5 to the last. I so much loved my own self; felt so liberated, forgave myself more, committed to love my own self more responsibly.
Vomitting and headache in my 1st retreat was my biggest physical challenge as I stopped taking my daily pain killer which was not doctor’s prescription. Pain killer except the one prescribed by doctor is not allowed during retreat as it will reduce the sensitivity to body and senses during meditations.
In the final session with Bapak Merta Ada he advised me to thoroughly have my health condition checked as he observed something serious (I won’t say it here). Terima kasih, BapakâĢïļ
Going back to Singapore I did my yearly medical check and was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and no surgery was mandatory– thanks to the retreat that intensified my headache and vomitting. Anyway I finally found of being wrongly diagnosed by 2 doctors in my own country earlier. I was shocked by the new diagnose (which was the right one) but at the same time so relieved that the diagnose from 2 early doctors was totally drunk! I was so happy that I would not die restless like I thought before.
I joined Tapa Brata again after pandemic when my brain tumor shrank to 40%. Easier physically! So content and humbled by many things! Now I’m waiting for the next MRI to see how much the growth shrinks further and taking an annual leave to do the next Tapa Brata in 2025.
Don’t ask me how perfect I am. I will tell you how imperfect I’ve been.
ð
….continuing reading Haemin Sunim
now what do you think about me?
Read to me, dear heart
The fairytales about you
So I can sleep well.
not an easy ones to finish before end of 2024 ðĪŠ
night….
Her heart aches,
She needs some medicine
And so she goes down on her knees and prays
For clarity.
She hopes soon her tips of fingers can touch clearly
Whether it is pulsating
Of better future
Or potentially repeated puncture.
Show me his way.
fastbreaking today — bismillah
i booked a table in my favourite Japanese resto as i wanted to enjoy their crab but no table was available at my preferred time
so i bought kanikama as the frozen crab was not available either in dondondonki
….randomly mixed it with whatever i had
i needed rice but not much time to cook it
…. ok
not bad at all to start this evening
japanese restaurant, see you on sunday
rike jokanan 
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