Self Discovery (ranting)

Point zero, my love
Here now, unshakeable ground
After the earthquakes—

I’ve been a full time thinker for the past one week…. Thanks to the physical weakness brought by the virus! 🥰 And here is the ranting abridged 🙃

Life has always suggested me to walk through places where paradoxical situations exist and has made me weigh what life path should be chosen. Luckily life has always sent me angels (fallen angels included 😄) who remind me that life isn’t only about exploiting what’s considered lucrative and physically pleasant; it’s also about exploring what’s wising-up and spiritually enriching.

When I was young; books, courses, lectures, workshops were kind of “subscription” I had to shape a level of mental toughness. Yet there was exhaustion and anti-climax for intensity every now and then (good deed included 😄). Losing faith, difficulty to trust human beings and skepticism to almost everything triggered me to deconstruct my own mindset.

Another “point zero” came and brought a decision to take a course inspired by one friend named Eva (not one of my close friends but she is definitely one trusted human being). I promised to myself that this would be my LAST course to finally be unshakeable me.

I flew to Edinburgh and was driven from the airport to a place called Chisholme House by Mr Brix who became an excellent opening of my self re-discovery. He introduced me to the richness of self re-discovery even before the course started. That was when I felt so lucky to have read Ibn Arabi, Rumi and English literature although not extensively and to have learnt Javanese wisdom that is considered “local” by many of my friends (which I always disagree) as Mr Brix’ languages were using all those keywords in the repertoire from my literature reading and cultural wisdom. Indeed Mr Brix was a “gate” welcoming me to a true friendship or fellowship bonded by humanity.

The course was simply daily schedules for us to an experiencing life or “human beings who work” — physically, mentally, spiritually, socially in connection with their own self, other human beings and nature. Of course the classes was the superb! Collins, Hiroko and Aaron were excellent facilitators and to me they are role models of ordinary yet impressive human being! Collins was a loving husband and father cum the best administrator. Hiroko was a loving mother and wife cum an excellent painter! Aaron was an excellent chef cum wise philosopher! 💝

It was so normal a life that I felt so blessed. We woke up in the morning then took a bath or at least took ablution. We started the day with a group meditation — everyone: the course participants, kitchen staffs, office staffs, garden staffs, etc except those who overslept. Then we had breakfast — English breakfast! After that we started the class; the staffs started their duties. After that we had tea break then WORK! Work meant doing the assigned chores (garden, kitchen, house, laundry). After that class again then English lunch! Then lunch break for one hour. Class again. Mediation again. Work again. Afternoon tea. Personal time (we could go to the hill, forest, sleep, talk to staffs or participants, whatever). English dinner. Discussion time. Free time. Sleep…. Repeat.

Completing the “self re-discovery”, I found that life is like riding bicycle, balancing while moving. I lose, I win. I fall in love, I break heart. I get sick, I get cured. I trust, I distrust. I think, I feel. I work, I take a rest.

Balancing is about knowing the limit. I lose against someone/something but I gain wisdom. I fall in love at the same time I have to accept the unpredictable responses. I get sick then I will be cured. I trust with or without reasoning yet can also distrust because of the true or false reasoning. I think based on logic yet when logic doesn’t count, only feeling of acceptance will neutralise the situation. And, when I am tired, I should take time-out. Just like that!

And I actually graduated with flying colours from many “extra” lessons: doing laundry, washing dishes, house keeping, potato harvesting, making bread, cooking English lunch, preparing dining table, raking dry leaves, going up and down the hills in the rain, walking in the moorland, listening to silence, listening to others’ opinions, identifying and recognising true intelligent people, trusting the right people at the right time in the right place, respecting stupid idiot (myself included 😂), taking a bath in the cold morning, and more and more!

And yes, that was the last course in my life. Ordinary yet impressive, like what I always want myself to be to and for those having in touch with me.

I want to be back there not as a participant but as a guest in the English breakfast or lunch bringing a best friend who deserves an ordinary yet impressive life.

…. 💕

Thanks for today! 😴

Salaam…

farmhouse where participants and volunteers slept during the “Self Discovery” in Chisholme Institute (there are male house, female house and couple wing) – missing the place and good friends there 💝
the main house where we meditate, contemplate, brainstorm, do household chores, enjoy meal and good company during the “Self Discovery”
‘The Monument to Man”: this place is one of reminders for me to stay on this track: a track where life abundance isn’t always represented by or captured through social high class and luxury show off – ‘ve lived among those with abundance yet humbly bowing to the underprivileged – thank you for this decent life 🎀
hi, Edinburgh! I’m sure I’ll be back 🥰 next time with someone I love with heart and soul 😘

Torii

Torii, Beloved,
Opening from here to here
To be entered now—

I’ll always make tomorrow morning inevitable in life like a torii that connects here now and another here now. These happy steps are walking from torii to torii, with another pair of steps inevitably aligning with me.

Salaam.

💝

torii from pp #31 of James Norbury’s “Big Panda and Tiny Dragon”

Negation Is (Now) Good

Negative, Beloved,
New paradigm that builds life;
Breathing is blessings.

I thought that virus was reluctant to approach me until that funny doctor said bitterly to me last week “The Gov will SMS directly to you but these sudden symptoms give me a hint. Take care.”

After some inconsistent (+) and (-), being a lethargic patient (the virus pulled all muscles down) and a slow thinker (MZ sent me a confusing email of mine) of home quarantine, I’m back to my own self!

Thanks for toning this pride down. I was not that healthy.

Thanks for curing me. I’m dependent on You.

💝

hey, Mr Sun! I wanna go out everyday just like you if the next is (-) once more!

Be Patient

Shanghai, Beloved,
A pearl wrapped in gloomy smog,
A dream with no sleep—

Dear World, you’ll get better. Or else, please hide your ugly faces from me for just a while.

Sending warm regards to MZ, RL and other Shanghainese ladies that I know in the modern Shanghai.

Happy weekend!

May all beings be happy.

💝

Shanghai, used to walk in its cold lanes in Decembers, listen to Chinese senior citizens laughing while dancing in the public dancing floor, walk back to hotel with tummy full of food and heart full of joy and head full of next year’s plans – now Shanghai is a hello at the end of the line

Nowhere (good memory)

Nowhere, Beloved,
To depart. Wait for next train.
Look around and pray.

Checking my old photos, I saw an almost forgotten one. A station that was giving me the most alarming experience in that trip.

Back in April 2017 I was in a solo travel for 20 days in EU region when the train from Lyon left me no choice but changing train in Bourg-en-Bresse. It was rainy and windy, almost 5pm local time, some passengers got off with me but all of them went out of the station (perhaps to go home) and only I stayed to wait for the next train at 7:15pm.

For almost 45 minutes and no one was coming. A group of young men entered the other side of the railway. They sounded chatting and giggling. I tried to avoid looking at them. It was my first time feeling insecure in the trip.

I continued reading my book (now pretending) as I felt so uneasy with the noise across the lines.

“Hi! Lady!” I looked around. No woman but me. Damn! They called me.

I didn’t say anything, my eyes looked back to my book.

“Hi! Hi!” Don’t say anything, Rike. Don’t look at them. My left hand slowly moved down to my Swiss knife in the inner pocket of the jacket.

Only prayer in heart and some strategies that were taught by my brothers on how to use the Swiss knife and simple kicks to defend myself from bad guys.

“Lady!” They shouted at me more loudly after some time.

“Lady!” The guys laughed out loud among their French words. I saw them waved their hands to me. They whistled at me. I wondered why no one was here but those guys. In my country there are always many people selling things around railway station. There are always tricycle riders moving around.

When those guys got even merrier and happier, I saw a shadow moved the tall doors behind the guys.

A tall black lady drew a trunk and went across line 1 to line 2 and to line 3 where I was almost ready to hurt any of the guys if they approached me.

The guys stopped their noise. The lady walked towards me.

I didn’t feel better. This lady could stop the guys’ laughters and whistles, she must have been able to do stronger thing than that including killing me— I had to be alert!

“Hi! Going to Geneva?” A soft voice greeted me.

“Hi! Ya! Are you?”

“Yes! The train will arrive soon.”

“Thanks God!”

“No, it is just the schedule.”

😁

We eventually were sitting in the same cart. She was working in the UN headquarters and traveled back from personal leave. She said I was lucky to take this train, not later one that might have made me encounter with more men in the station unluckily often drunk.

“Thanks God!“

“No, you just need to choose the right timing.”

😁

I almost forgot that I met this smart wise tough lady. Wherever you are, Madam, I wish you good luck! Thank you for saving me with your timeliness.

Salaam.

Bourg-en-Bresse station

Ode to A Secret Love


Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So


Yet dimensions have distanced us with invisible connection.


Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So


Only wish and pray I can send through speechless wireless across the elements.


Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So


Dream, dream, dream, dear love.
Life is but a dream.
I hope we visit each other
In each of our good dreams,
Before we wake up and together we stream.


Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So


It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t count
Even how I miss you most; like a tiny penny in a billionaire’s account:
Missed and forgotten through space and time.

Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So


It rains again which I love the most
As the longing for you gets swept away
By the water falling and gliding on the window: sweetly cold.

Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
….

Yet this stubborn heart
Still sings in silence
Alone with clear sweet voice
Without doubt
That someday this feeling will fade away,
Leaving a good memory through time and space.

Listen, this is an ode
To a secret love:

Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So

daydreaming in a rainy day – RC Gorman’s “Woman with Poppies”

Clay Jar

Broken clay jar, Love,
A love letter torn apart.
Message of a heart—

How broken you are, I will always love and respect you as a clay jar that records history and memory, in the hands of an ignorant they become waste and rubbish, in the hands of wise lessons and wisdom.

I’ll take your broken clay jar to kintsugi craftsmen in near future trip just in case they can also repair broken clay jar. 🤭

Otherwise, I’ll keep it in my mini cabinet of curiosity to be a reminder that a heart is so fragile or so broken and so worth handling with care.

Salam…. 🙏🏼

RC Gorman’s

Journey

Journey, Beloved,
Counting every blessed milestone;
Deletion of doubts—

My personal definition of Australia: where beer is consumed more than water. It might be wrong to others but that was what I saw with these very eyes with no doubt. 😎

hello, Sydney. when will I see you again?

No Losing!

I will win
In any battle.
My flag is rising
As high as the farthest star
Reaching you
Bravely!

In me is a girl who dares!
I’m brave!

Don’t try me!

I am….

Brave!

I won’t give up! You sell, I buy! ALL!

Kamboja

A gift, Beloved,
Pink star full of granted wish
What would you say, Self?
Thank you for this pretty gift.
She’ll spread the fragrance and vibe.

bunga kamboja (plumeria in English), fell on my cap when swimming – a fragrant gift

Life

This life, Beloved:
Mysteriously composed,
Beautifully done—

This sight is defeated just by a sheet of paper. I can’t see what You can. I’m surrendering this self to…

You. 💝

Salam…

RC Gorman’s Reunion

Morning

Morning, Beloved,
Summariser of senses
Foundation of days—

What morning can bring to a warm heart is always a bunch of sweet surprise.

Thank you!

“anggrek merpati”, the fragrant orchids that last only one night greeting me in one bright morning 💝

Tulips

Tulips, Beloved,
In joy they sway by the wind.
Daffodils do, too.

Hi, tulips. Hi, daffodils. Miss you, miss you…. 😘😘😘

bed of tulips blooming in Keukenhof – wanna be back soon 😍

Bi’rsweet

Bi’rsweet, Beloved,
The way perfect life tastes;
Subtle craftsmanship—

It takes high skill to blend tastes. It takes perfect acceptance to enjoy the concoction presented; otherwise, just go fasting. 🙂

Welcome new week.

perfect life in a cup of coffee – bitter sweet
perfect life in a plate of kunefeh – “gurih” sweet 😄

Feel Good

Say hi, Beloved,
To those making you feel good.
Life is abundant.

When very good plan and very bad weather collide, it takes just a breath to be back to feeling good mode.

Life is too abundant to consider a lost day a loss.

hi, colibri! (RC Gorman’s)

Orange

Orange, Beloved,
Mixture of red and yellow;
Calmly encouraged

Orange is the color of joy and creativity. Orange promotes a sense of general wellness and emotional energy that should be shared, such as compassion, passion, and warmth. Orange will help a person recover from disappointments, a wounded heart, or a blow to one’s pride. (excerpted from BournCreative)

Thanks for today.

💝

RC Gorman’s “Woman with Oranges”

Good Fruits

Good fruits, Beloved,
Fresh, crunchy and colourful
Carved on her sweet smiles.

It’s a blessed night: fresh for the rain.

RC Gorman’s Woman with Apples

Nocturne

Nocturne, Beloved,
Desert at velvety nights;
Her hair is waving,
Where pitch and rhythm dangle
Sprinkling tones of a warm heart

Night is a sweet shelter that never complains whether I snore or sing or cry or laugh or play or work or just sit on the window nook.

Serene….

RC Gorman’s Nocturne
💝

Equation

Equal, Beloved,
Weighing process and result
To find the unknown

Some Math teachers would be very particular about whether 6 is 3×2 (2+2+2) or 2×3 (3+3) in students’ homework. Conceptually mathematicians consider those two operations different. Yet to me as long as we find the solution, why catch a bullet and die?

🥰

which one is more important: 1+1 or 2 or the =

Fly Free

Fly free, Beloved.
Go home when you understand
That you’re peace itself.

Dream is but a dove flying free and to go home when knowing who it is.

May all beings be happy,

RC Gorman’s

Earrings

Earrings, Beloved,
Catching envelops with wings
Flapping happily—

Dangling earrings are lovable! They give beautiful noise like songs of angels.

May all beings be happy. 💝

RC Gorman’s
cute dangling earrings (from Pinterest)