One, two, Beloved, Numbers to start a journey To the zero point.
With ageing I am able to feel the surge of high energy I experienced before. With broken heart I’m so thankful that I’ve got love in this heart. With thirst I appreciate how freshness of water cures me. With the stuck in the head I become more and more familiar that flowing is the only way to love. With scarcity I can grow sense of gratitude with even just a little hope in life.
It’s you. Yes, it’s you. None other but you that makes me. None other but you that puts meaning on the word me. None other but you that moves all this life within me.
How can I be feeling so detached….
If you are the one attaching in all my senses?
If you are the one behaving with this corpse?
If you are the one drawing a circle for me to circumambulate until the two dots meet?
Kata guruku hati harus ringan, Harus. Kata guruku langkah harus pasti, Harus. Kata guruku badan harus rajin, Harus. Kata guruku hidup harus berserah, Harus. Susahnya! Laku kuganti guru. Ngomongnya begini: Buat apa jadi manusia kalau tidak punya hati bahagia? Kalau kerjanya bermalas-malas diombang-ambing angan-angan? Kalau kerjanya memaksa semua dengan maunya?
Duh! Berguru di mana-mana sama! Aku duduk di depan patung Dorna, Pendeta legenda, Sebagai Ekalaya aku berpura-pura.
Bambang Ekalaya (Anggraeni’s husband), most loyal male wayang to his teacher
Dewi Anggraeni (Ekalaya’s wife), most loyal female wayang to her husband
I value friendship, as it is the best I can gift to those I love. Yet some of mine didn’t work well. Just recently one friend sent messages to someone to tell me that she no longer wanted to befriend with me. Her messages were big anger described through words that to me sounded like unreasonable accusations: that I only needed her in need, that she didn’t trust my intension of not inviting her to the hotel where I stayed, that I was not her true friend, that she would not contact me anymore, and so on.
I was upset and said to the “messenger”: Thanks for reading me her messages, please don’t forward the written messages to me, please help delete.”
I got hurt with the hurting accusations. I began to calculate what and how much I had done for her versus what she had done for me. 15-year friendship ended with a message without clarification…. What a tragic comedy!
I got hurt. A short drama started to mount within me….
Until….
Today I met someone who happened to be her friend and mine, who informed me that her mother just passed away after the Idul Fitri. Innalillaahi wa innaa ilaihi rajiun.
And that’s when I knew why she became so sensitive.
She never informed me that her mother passed away. it’s probably her fault.
One time in Ramadhan she sent one message of asking for a call but I was in a massive headache so I didn’t even reply to anyone’s messages including hers. So maybe I also missed some updates from her. It’s probably my faults.
I don’t know; I don’t want to prolong the drama.
I sent her a condolence message. I don’t hope anything but her acceptance of what is.
I’m telling myself that I’m good and play the Ho’oponopono repeatedly to let go off what’s not.
I’m sorry, my own self for being negative. Please forgive me. I thank you. I love you.
Dear Home, Welcome me With your warm heart That beats with love, And trust.
Do you know how I miss You? Your walls with my paintings, Your ceiling with the down light, Your floor with shine after vacuum, Your roof after washed by rain, Your fragrance that is me.
How are you? Are you as spacious as before installed with furniture? I won't add more. Are you serene after some music played? I won't play more. Are you bright after curtain hung? I won't put those too thick. I hope you're still a home Even after I come. Even I hope you become more homey After that.
Please know I only wanted those loving to be here But then that's not fair. So you'll see bad people around, I promise that won't be long and make sure one will only visit once, And only very few. Vibe clear! So only those with clarity want to stay long.
Please know I want fireflies to be around at night So you'll be pretty with the tiny bright dots blinking cheerfully.
Please know, dear Home That you are built now By this wandering self With a loving hope To meet You Very soon.
Dear, Home.
listening to this song this whole day; yes I can do it to any song that builds a good mood
Sal Priadi’s songs sound like romantic mantra to me especially this one
The strength is his lyrics: simple yet poetic
Lyrics
Kita usahakan rumah itu Dari depan akan tampak sederhana Tapi kebunnya luas Tanamannya mewah, megah
Kita usahakan rumah itu Dari depan akan tampak sederhana Tapi dibuat kuat Dirancang muat, lega
Urusan perabotan dan wangi-wangian Kuserahkan pada s’leramu yang lebih maju Tapi tata ruang, aku ikut pertimbangkan Kar’na kalau nanti kita punya kesibukan
Malam tetap kumpul di meja panjang Ruang makan kita Berbincang tentang hari yang panjang
Kita usahakan rumah itu Dari depan akan tampak sederhana Tapi penerangannya Diracik begitu romantis
Urusan perabotan dan wangi-wangian Kuserahkan pada s’leramu yang lebih maju Tapi tata ruang, aku ikut pertimbangkan Kar’na kalau nanti kita punya kesibukan
Malam tetap kumpul di meja panjang Ruang makan kita Berbincang tentang hari yang panjang
Boleh kamu keliling dunia Dan temukan banyak tempat-tempat ‘tuk singgah Sementara
Kamu boleh namai itu rumah Selama ada m’reka yang kamu cinta Di dalamnya
Dear, Child. Look at the stars Blinking their signs; The shooting star Burning their directions; The glowing sky Telling their histories.
Dear, Child. Listen to the old songs. See the old galaxies. Touch the swirling dusts. Taste the sweetness of comets. Smell the expanding universe. All no limit But your definition.
Hug me As we travel. Trust me As we wander. Like I hug You, Like I trust You.
Dear Child.
body and soul is like a female and a male in a marriage as discussed in classes of spirituality
in Javanese tradition body is symbolizing the female that is also the earth — accepting, submissive and intuitive; while soul is symbolizing the male that is also the heaven — giving, powerful and guiding
yet to me it’s not always that way; to me yes body and soul is like a mother and a child — the mother holding an infant (can be a girl or a boy) in a state that the mother is making sure the child is purely happy
I personally believe as long as the soul remains childlike, the body is not suffering — accepting what is is the key
about this life I sometimes don’t want to define as definition is a limit
and so I don’t force my understanding to anyone even to those I love the most because spiritual experience is very personal, cannot be forced, can only be synchronised through mutual journey
that’s why spiritual journey is called silent path; even when we’re in the same discussion room, the expansion of understanding might be different from one another
let’s accept our own silent path with no judgment
❣️
Notes: it’s my personal thought, doesn’t mean to influence anyone, a ranting of a life traveler
When many think you're more, You shine too bright, Exceeding a real star, That I've admired, Your true colors.
This heart can only bear Natural brightness, That will shine no matter how dark the life is, Not the artificial brightness that will collapse when the dark goes dark.
So let you stay Where admiration is loud. Let this heart stay Where love truly vibes.
love is never wrong, only the object is sometimes not rightly chosen
some love feels demanding even when it only requires simplicity and peace
it’s good to learn to love unconditionally including accepting the excessiveness ofhow human being perceives love itself
it’s ok to fail to love unconditionally this time — sometimes the best love is stopping admiration where admiring is making things less genuine and more misleading
Stacking oranges Shine on a fruit container. Loved fruits to fulfill
Love has many languages: more than 5 to express it. Fulfilment has only 1: getting/giving what’s wanted.
Fulfilment can be the feeling of getting attention, receiving compliment, passing a test, making a relationship, owning a dream house, invited to important events, getting this or having that.
But love…. I still feel my father’s love although he passed away > 20 years ago. I feel my mother’s love although she lives far away. I still feel my siblings’ love although we don’t talk with each other everyday. It’s the time & moments we’ve cherished . It’s smiles & jokes when gathering in our small dining room. It’s their hi through WhatsApp asking where I am & telling me to be well. It’s the reconciliation after small fights. It’s the blood that I can’t unflow from this body. It’s the karma to serve in the same family. The prayers that I know sent through whisper & breath every time we remember each other. My best friends are included, too.
I constantly need love; without love I will lose hope & die in despair. It stays in the heart & soul, fueling the journey of human being in the making. No expiry date for love: beyond time & space.
I need fulfilment in certain timelines. No big house forever. Not much money forever. No jewelry forever. I won’t need this body forever. The best limit for fulfilment is “in moderation”, “enough” & yes it’s based on my own evaluation.
I claim this shallow mind about love & fulfilment. I’m learning.
Thank you.
Note: This might not work for you. Find your own life treasure within.
I speak with you With no language. When with you, I know no time. In you I find me. In me I find you. Then we separate To miss each other, To love With no limit.
My perspective about you might change all the time.
It might be about in which angle I stand when looking at you, or How far I distance my sight when observing you, or How full circle I go around you to see all sides, or How long I stay in one corner speechless enjoying the daisy, or How critical I pull all the dots of you looking imperfect in these eyes until I find it's the lenses impaired that I can't see your beaut so see-through, or Simply how I accept how you describe you....
I always want the last as I want you to tell me about you. But you know, sometimes I don't trust you....
Let me trust you.
all is true in its own position – layers of truth apply to human beings’ journey; clarity is truly important to make the right decision, belief is important to stay in the chosen lane
Let there be light. Let there be light. Light in heart. Light of heart. Light around heart. Light through heart. Light borrowed. Light lent. Light along this journey. Light journey. Light heart.
this heart feels the lightest when I’m riding my bike, exploring the greenery around the neighborhood
rain, I love you but please pause on just one day so I can either visit the water lilies in the river or tropical flowers in the paths around the reservoir
This love, Beloved, Blooms to shine within and out. Don't discriminate.
how deed is your love?
I love. Yes I do love….
…. but very rarely romantically up to this age (4 times).
Among the rare romantic love, what was the most magical?
It was when I fell in love with a (maybe) gay man.
Don’t judge me; I didn’t know he was a gay. Don’t judge him; it was his choice.
Love is love. It is still worth appreciating. I respect everyone’s choice of life including one’s sexual orientation & gender identity (some of my friends & colleagues are in that group) but I am not a person to be in a romantic relationship with LGBTQ no matter what.
Thank you, Love for the experience. I’m lucky to have a big heart. I believe my heart is even now deeper and more spacious with the magic that has happened to me.
Doubt and trust, my love, Between which I wait for you To sing a love song.
While knowing makes me clearly decide what to do, believing keeps me walking even when it’s pitch black or blinding bright.
Believing is not about taking something with evidences. Believing is taking things for granted as there is no choice while I should keep on. As long as evidence is not yet well presented, it’s believing, not knowing.
What do I believe most in life? That there is only one able to help me, the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love, you. Yet I’m shaken now & then by what’s called doubt. Doubt moves the graphic of trust up & down which is normal as said by a master “the faith is up & down”.
In uncertainty, do I still believe of salvation? Yes, I believe in salvation as I don’t know if it is happening or not. At the same time I make space for doubt so I’m humanely questioning myself whether I’m doing well in clarifying the ways. There’s something I miss when in doubt & the space in which I miss always gives me hope, a feel of falling in love with something that I believe will drop wisdom to the heart.
How beautiful the collaboration of belief & doubt is! It ignites love. Love is an eternal flame that sparkles dancing depending on how trust & doubt tango. Without the existence of both, love will look like a marble slab: cold, hard, mute; while a flame: warm, soft, dynamic.
I know in order to keep love & wisdom rekindling as long as I live, I’ve got to believe in the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love or you that sometimes resides so deep in Him or Me.
What a rant!
at that age (below 30) I believed that all were good with lil doubt and as a result I was cheated, lied to but at the same time I gained kindness, endurance and silence
now? kindness, carefree, clarity as these 3 are most needed to live a human being’s life lightly and genuinely
Eyes closed, Beloved Blind her for love far away. Tell her to go home.
today I’m called to go back home to my own heart full of love — love is blind taking me too far away from where I should be
I always think love is beautiful even when it’s so preoccupied with one object so alien for me, that way love lovingly and softly wakes me up after some time “Rike, time to go home, this might be someone else’s place, not yours”
with unsteady steps I had to accept that all the info is confirmed that I need to go home
to where I should be:
my dear heart full of love singing truly about who I am and who will be my home outside my own home
let me take care of this loving heart and calmly step on the love path, truly, genuinely, naturally….
keep singing love, dear self; there is nothing more beautiful than being natural, genuine, kind and true
I love you, Beloved. And, you don't have to love me. It's never a transaction That's tangible. Loves, even not repaid, Is energy That nurtures life growth Through silent rejection or Respectful reciprocity.
rike jokanan 
You must be logged in to post a comment.