graphs of my Universe
All dreams should be sweet.
They should leave beautiful trails
To be well followed.
living with acceptance is a dream
and I’ve achieved it to some extent; I’ve learnt letting go each and every day
and now I want to enjoy my life with someone who has the same project with mine: to live loving & forgiving, to die loved & forgiven
because to me that’s the only way to live happily
What's love, Beloved?
It's what she does and becomes.
As red as ruby--
I love jewelry; these are a set of ruby I bought in Scott Market in Yangon, Myanmar in 2018
so many gemstones made my eyes wildly browsed all possibly affordable ones
i bought sapphire, ruby, jade and amber that have become my precious entertainer cum advisor when I’m lost.
gemstone is not only beautiful but also symbols of wisdom and beauty
Thank you❣️
What's blue, Beloved?
Tranquility. Sky and sea
As calm as can be--
painted my nails blue to keep my spirit on and on and on
it doesn’t matter if people say I just look wise but actually unwise — I’m not wise indeed ☺️
I only say what’s aligned between my head and heart and even my belly
☺️
Kitchen calls, my love
Those in love with life and taste
And the folks in heart.
today’s ifthar with so much love
we call it bothok not the Botox injection — it’s tempeh, anchovy in grated coconut + santan wrapped by my hands in banana leaves 😍
sayur asem (sour soup) normally the sourness is from tamarind but today I used buah kedondong peel
Japanese cracker that I love always
still the Bac Ninh oranges
kedondong
Dear
Heart
That
Softens,
Love me
Also
Let me go.
loving others is easier than loving one’s self; after that letting go others is easier than letting go one’s self
I’m letting go all.
💗
Stacking oranges
Shine on a fruit container.
Loved fruits to fulfill
Love has many languages: more than 5 to express it. Fulfilment has only 1: getting/giving what’s wanted.
Fulfilment can be the feeling of getting attention, receiving compliment, passing a test, making a relationship, owning a dream house, invited to important events, getting this or having that.
But love…. I still feel my father’s love although he passed away > 20 years ago. I feel my mother’s love although she lives far away. I still feel my siblings’ love although we don’t talk with each other everyday. It’s the time & moments we’ve cherished . It’s smiles & jokes when gathering in our small dining room. It’s their hi through WhatsApp asking where I am & telling me to be well. It’s the reconciliation after small fights. It’s the blood that I can’t unflow from this body. It’s the karma to serve in the same family. The prayers that I know sent through whisper & breath every time we remember each other. My best friends are included, too.
I constantly need love; without love I will lose hope & die in despair. It stays in the heart & soul, fueling the journey of human being in the making. No expiry date for love: beyond time & space.
I need fulfilment in certain timelines. No big house forever. Not much money forever. No jewelry forever. I won’t need this body forever. The best limit for fulfilment is “in moderation”, “enough” & yes it’s based on my own evaluation.
I claim this shallow mind about love & fulfilment. I’m learning.
Thank you.
Note: This might not work for you. Find your own life treasure within.
💗
I chat with you
With no language.
When with you,
I know no time.
Yet we separate
To miss each other,
To love
With condition
Then without.
in love everyday
I buy your voice with hearing.
I buy your look with sight.
I buy your scent with smelling.
Some I buy with touch and taste.
I buy, never take anything from you for free.
Now you agree senses are currency, no?
A voice screams in whisper:
From whom do you get the senses?
She's in a daze
Again and again,
Failed in transaction
Against
You.
My perspective about you might change all the time.
It might be about in which angle I stand when looking at you, or
How far I distance my sight when observing you, or
How full circle I go around you to see all sides, or
How long I stay in one corner speechless enjoying the daisy, or
How critical I pull all the dots of you looking imperfect in these eyes until I find it's the lenses impaired that I can't see your beaut so see-through, or
Simply how I accept how you describe you....
I always want the last as I want you to tell me about you.
But you know, sometimes I don't trust you....
Let me trust you.
all is true in its own position – layers of truth apply to human beings’ journey; clarity is truly important to make the right decision, belief is important to stay in the chosen lane
I'm loaded
With burdens
That are not on my body.
The suffering borne
By others
Has leak in
To this porous heart.
Let me be
In rest, Beloved
In the flow of
My slow life
That doesn't chase what I used to chase,
That doesn't crave what I used to crave,
That embraces the acceptance of what is,
That sits alone in room with
You.
how can I not care to those sick, hungry and sad around me who seek help from me? I’ve cried and maybe it is time to stop for a while
just for a while, Beloved
just for a while
before I walk again in this narrow path with grass and daisies around
to where my love suits her scent
let me rest for a while
before it’s time to be your loving hands again for a longer while
thank you….
❣️
Let there be light.
Let there be light.
Light in heart.
Light of heart.
Light around heart.
Light through heart.
Light borrowed.
Light lent.
Light along this journey.
Light journey.
Light heart.
this heart feels the lightest when I’m riding my bike, exploring the greenery around the neighborhood
rain, I love you but please pause on just one day so I can either visit the water lilies in the river or tropical flowers in the paths around the reservoir
💛
There is a dot
Where a circle is closed.
That is, Beloved
Where I accept
That
However I look won't be good,
Whatever I say won't be right,
To
You.
This heart is a collection of
Tiny circles closing every time
Lesson is learnt.
And so,
Let me close one
For a while
To fully accept
Its breakage.
Let me celebrate this tiny hope
At the edge of this grandiose world
Where only power seems matter.
no, I don’t want to lose hope to have a better world even if that whom I love the most thinks this idea is a nonsense
keep loving, dear heart, even if the sun is an inch over this head
💙
This love, Beloved,
Blooms to shine within and out.
Don't discriminate.
how deed is your love?
I love. Yes I do love….
…. but very rarely romantically up to this age (4 times).
Among the rare romantic love, what was the most magical?
It was when I fell in love with a (maybe) gay man.
Don’t judge me; I didn’t know he was a gay. Don’t judge him; it was his choice.
Love is love. It is still worth appreciating. I respect everyone’s choice of life including one’s sexual orientation & gender identity (some of my friends & colleagues are in that group) but I am not a person to be in a romantic relationship with LGBTQ no matter what.
Thank you, Love for the experience. I’m lucky to have a big heart. I believe my heart is even now deeper and more spacious with the magic that has happened to me.
Alhamdulillah.
😊
❣️
Journey, Beloved,
To the line where I started,
Timed with acceptance--
some people think when an effort doesn’t result in what is targetted, it means a loss — to me it is not a loss, it is a lesson learnt not to do better to win but to know how to let go more immediately, gracefully with less pain
no, not all can do that earlier — some people are just loving to compete against anyone in their journey not knowing it is a silent journey, they think any lane with others present is called a race
no, not all can do that earlier — some people think they are much more superior that can consider themselves excel in everything not knowing that they silently are left behind by many authentically much better in most aspects of life
”m sure everyone will be able to do it when the time is coming
it doesn’t matter, we’re all children of life
☺️
Note: negating, denying, ignoring: patterns that slow down maturity process
Dwellers, Beloved
We are in this space, searching
What's known yet unknown;
Or, what's unknown in fact known
By a searcher who's been searched.
love is in the center of my searching in which I’ve been dwelling in this space with the sun, the moon and the stars
I’ve been searching myself who’s sitting patiently, radiantly knowing that I am longed for by the lover
thank you for the love that you’ve given to me through all those around me: human beings, non humane things and those unseen but sensed, and those unseen and not sensed
Doubt and trust, my love,
Between which I wait for you
To sing a love song.
While knowing makes me clearly decide what to do, believing keeps me walking even when it’s pitch black or blinding bright.
Believing is not about taking something with evidences. Believing is taking things for granted as there is no choice while I should keep on. As long as evidence is not yet well presented, it’s believing, not knowing.
What do I believe most in life? That there is only one able to help me, the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love, you. Yet I’m shaken now & then by what’s called doubt. Doubt moves the graphic of trust up & down which is normal as said by a master “the faith is up & down”.
In uncertainty, do I still believe of salvation? Yes, I believe in salvation as I don’t know if it is happening or not. At the same time I make space for doubt so I’m humanely questioning myself whether I’m doing well in clarifying the ways. There’s something I miss when in doubt & the space in which I miss always gives me hope, a feel of falling in love with something that I believe will drop wisdom to the heart.
How beautiful the collaboration of belief & doubt is! It ignites love. Love is an eternal flame that sparkles dancing depending on how trust & doubt tango. Without the existence of both, love will look like a marble slab: cold, hard, mute; while a flame: warm, soft, dynamic.
I know in order to keep love & wisdom rekindling as long as I live, I’ve got to believe in the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love or you that sometimes resides so deep in Him or Me.
What a rant!
at that age (below 30) I believed that all were good with lil doubt and as a result I was cheated, lied to but at the same time I gained kindness, endurance and silence
now? kindness, carefree, clarity as these 3 are most needed to live a human being’s life lightly and genuinely
my formula, not applied to all
keep believing that love prevails
😊
If and if, dear love
The silence breaks, I will fly
With true adventure.
if I am to choose an animal to be my daemon, I’ll always choose a cat
I don’t know why; I used to live with a cat in my small home in Indonesia before moving to Singapore, as my job was 75% traveling, I could not bring Bob with me and so my mother took care of him — one year later, he died
I still want a cat some day 💕
if I am to choose what animal I’m to be, it would not be a cat though
maybe dolphin so I can live in the depth of water while playfully jump to the air
me with a plastic of water — when I was a girl, I loved playing with water so much; almost everyday I put water in a plastic bag and pinched the surface so the plastic became spiky
this lil girl is my home, my sanctuary
Eyes closed, Beloved
Blind her for love far away.
Tell her to go home.
today I’m called to go back home to my own heart full of love — love is blind taking me too far away from where I should be
I always think love is beautiful even when it’s so preoccupied with one object so alien for me, that way love lovingly and softly wakes me up after some time “Rike, time to go home, this might be someone else’s place, not yours”
with unsteady steps I had to accept that all the info is confirmed that I need to go home
to where I should be:
my dear heart full of love singing truly about who I am and who will be my home outside my own home
let me take care of this loving heart and calmly step on the love path, truly, genuinely, naturally….
keep singing love, dear self; there is nothing more beautiful than being natural, genuine, kind and true
keep loving
keep loving
keep loving
I love you, Beloved.
And, you don't have to love me.
It's never a transaction
That's tangible.
Loves, even not repaid,
Is energy
That nurtures life growth
Through silent rejection or
Respectful reciprocity.
How beautiful love is,
Never lost
Only found.
love is (always) in the air
I'm water, my love
Living with the soil and air
Burnt by this blue fire.
To me clarity is more important than belief. With belief I might grab in the dark, to some level of darkness I might be frantically euphoric or falling into abyss of confusion. With clarity I can appropriately choose what I need to do & when further blessed, to do it appropriately.
Clarity is gained through many ways, as many as the heart in life. I myself like to think I clarify myself about myself based on how 4 nature elements (water, air, soil & fire) purify themselves.
There are few ways to gain clarity/purity in each but I’d like to talk about one for each.
Water naturally flows to clean itself; flowing to filter what’s in through its movement against all odds (stones, holes, debris, etc). By filtering for clarity it means I need to pass by at the same time to let go a lot of things in life to be clear (& clean). Like river, I receive materials from various sources that possibly contain unnecessary or unfavourable matters & I need to choose which to stay & which to get rid of. Flowing is leaving some behind & taking necessary some ahead. I’ve let go a lot of memories & people.
Air circulates what’s in. By circulating for clarity it means I should not stop sharing. The more I share (material, knowledge, vibes, etc), the more I find clarity in life. Like air, this person needs to vent, too. I tell stories, write, rant, talk, argue, discuss to verify information accuracy.
Soil decomposes what’s in. It breaks things into minuscule or even atomic pieces & blend all in one environment. Like soil, I don’t mind dealing with rotten and/or damaged things (ideas, gossips, accusation, prejudice, etc). Sometimes I swallow the worst leftover. Rubbish can turn to gold! Is it possible artist here? (Not the artist in Bahasa Indonesia’s artis, it is the seniman)
Fire heats to purify itself. Like blue fire I sometimes feel of having the most life energy (oxygen) & the motivation (high temperature). I clarify by motivating myself & others. I often don’t need external voice to motivate myself. I can be rather stubborn against change: sometimes only my will can change my ways. Learning from own mistakes is good: getting burnt 😁
Clarification leaves waste (emotions) so I need to deal with it by treating them well.
Note:
I've grown flowers and big trees
In my heart.
There's a pond with small fish playful and harmless;
Water lilies and lotuses dancing and entertaining.
You send breeze, she sings happily.
You send rain, she drinks sufficiently.
You send storm, she cries sadly.
You send snow, she freezes deadly.
Whatever you send, she feels blessed abundantly, so much loved.
This morning she said to me that
If you send yourself, she'll live forever.
pond near the dining room in D’Omah Jogja — breakfast feels slow with the waiters’ giving us more time to choose the ala carte menu, and meaningful with the long waiting time that diners can have more time to calmly chat in the morning
Pernahkah kau diam
Dari hari-harimu yang bising,
Yang terus ambil kendali,
Yang terus mau terdahulu,
Yang melucuti pejalan sunyi,
Yang membuat hati lain tenggelam,
Yang mencabuti akar harapan,
Yang mengeringkan daun semi,
Yang perlahan dijauhi kelembutan diri?
Diamlah
Sampai hening.
Diamlah
Sampai ramai pun jadi hening.
Sehari tiada cukup.
Seminggu terlalu pendek.
Sebulan belum berarti.
Setahun baru kau buka pintu terluar.
Semuda usiamu,
Setua leluhur terdahulumu.
Diam
Hening
apa artinya waktumu tanpa hening? hanya bunyi tik-tik atau tik-tok — hanya suara dalam konteks tanpa makna yang benar-benar membangunkan dirimu sendiri
❣️
Life is just like that.
It is round, square, triangle
Seen from three angles.
Life is just like that.
Like what?
Like what I’ve never thought but I can handle it by letting go.
I thank Gusti Allah for making me a human being so I can experience being human who lives as an ordinary person, maybe less than ordinary 🤐
It is everyday lessons come and go. Some challenging, some lighter. Some are leveled up or completed, in fact some are repeated. Repetition of lessons means that a human being fails to accept what is favourable to now here and to let go of what is not favourable for the soiritual journey to achieve clarity about being human. I’m one of this that’s why I learn from all of you. ☺️
As much as I want no repetition of mistakes though I will accept life as it is, still with kindness. Kindness to whom? To myself and to others although being kind to myself might be a delayed kindness to others — it doesn’t matter, it is just about time or perception.
Photo: Yes, I will always be seen half or less than half by those who see themselves partially: either good or evil, not even a sweet arrangement of those two.
Life is just like that. ☺️
In between if there is a gap,
It's to bridge,
Not to separate.
if you are between two, quit; said I to myself always 😊
Dream asked me
"Do you trust me?"
Why, said I.
"Please do, I need wings to fly."
I stared at her,
Wondering who her wings were.
She didn't say a word. She moved her chin
Toward me.
I am? Asked I, surprised and delighted.
It started drizzling,
Breeze caressed my face.
I soared.
I heard soft voice swirling up
To the sky,
Flying with her smile.
How painful it was for both of us!
One was waiting, the other was not realizing.
How lucky we were to wake up in one morning together.
And we are still having fun,
Sitting in a swing hanging on a giant tree,
Thanking to each other.
dreams are those balancing her constant walks
Love loves, Beloved
Love loved by a loved lover
To be beloved.
Some of my friends have very strong concern about my love life and so they “take care of it” very seriously. They often check if I go dating, sign up the online dating apps, met anyone in the biz trips, if this, or that.
Normally all answers make them annoyed or laugh as I usually respond to them in light ways. Anything not giving me positive impacts or real things should not be part of a weighed consideration to deeply converse. Let go….
Recently life has given me various brain teasers in past weeks: so much forgetting daily personal things (collecting skincare, collecting my Dyson after repaired, lunch bag, ID badge, etc) and…. (drum rolls) friends checking my love life so often by tagging me in instastory that I mostly ignored, WhatsApping me with love-love questions, direct messaging me in Instagram about love-love things, and so on.
“Are you dating? You seem so radiant. I know your romantic words are for someone not for your Beloved. Tell me.” Said one of them.
Woohoo! Will never tell…. 🤪 None of anyone in the world should know whom I love until it is certain whom I will share life with. They can know I am in love and that’s it. If nothing happens, then it is a secret for the rest of this life. Age has taught me how to deal with safety, security, confidentiality and integrity.
One more friend tagged me in an instastory as if telling me to open my heart and blahblahblah….
Friends make my life fun! I love them with all my heart because I know they just want me to be happy.
Ahhh! I just want to sleep well welcoming Chinese New Year holiday.
Walking in the forest deep, she was stopped by questions in her dancing mind.
Who am I?
I'm a living being
Walking her path.
What is the path? There seems none.
The path is becoming with her steps taken. An imaginary line drawn by hopes and fear, faith and science, clarity and mystery; two poles balancing distance and time--
Where is the path heading to?
The path is heading to where the North Star is.
Where is the North Star?
The North Star is a constant bright: that sits still to help find direction, that can be found in a clear unlit night above Mother Earth's magical belt, that loves wordless hymns.
It is lurking dark, but
You are bright
Showering my night.
Don't set.
Don't rise.
Be there
In the north
So I can always call
You
My North Star.
Polaris,
Wrap me with luck.
Amen.
Many days emit many emotions.
They show off how well
Life is capable of
Playing human beings with different stories.
She laughs.
She cries.
She reads.
She writes.
She sings.
She hums.
She does, even when she doesn't.
All with all her loving heart; or when doing things, she fills her heart with love.
sometimes I cry, not always because of sadness, sometimes I do because I feel so much loved….
The world keeps spinning.
The body ages with time.
Trip in alignment--
Don’t be afraid of becoming old. Aging is truly a blessing.
With the gray hair I feel wisdom befriends with me. Still I have freedom to dye it to look radiant.
With the wrinkle on the skin I find kindness and understanding unfolds. Yet it is not wrong to put skincare to look healthy and fresh.
With weaker eyes I find my mind is sharper evaluating my self and environment. I can still wear reading spectacles to keep reading to refresh brain.
With less hydrated joints and less dense bones I move more slowly cum gracefully. There is no harm though to do sports regularly.
With fewer friends I still get good updates accurately about how the world spins and enjoy true relationship with little to no condition.
Eventually aging is about knowing that soul will release the physical body when they body is ultimately deteriorated, when time is up. I just need to ensure that this body knows she is never alone or lonely in the separation process.
Celebrate life!
see you next month, Hanoi
About a year, Love
Where you're present and again
Giving me all joy-
2024 was such a year! Thanks much for the one year teaching me again to warmly love sincerely with little to no condition: unclear hints that broke my heart. Life is not always about glory; it’s also losing to win lessons.
2024 was about sudden trips & data as professional breakfast & lunch. I see how fast I process biased opinions & immediately detour to the right path! Such a training by & for brain muscles!
2025 is about continuing my spiritual journey with the same foundation: singularity, uniqueness & humanity;
also about doing my life work with dedication & expertise;
sweet friendship with those that respect and love each other as best friend;
about enjoying long weekends in Korine Jati soon & enjoying longer holiday somewhere else;
about keeping sharing the blessings with those around me verbally, materially, intelectually & spiritually in moderation;
& knowing & loving myself again, again, again….
…. all genuinely & with light heart.
Welcome, 2025. I already feel your sweetness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2025
dear, monkey mind
i don’t regret but it was the most painful moment in 2024 and thankfully i was helped by my life work
i love my messy hair that gets happy with breeze caressing it and my eyes that tell even when my mouth shuts
2024, thank you for bringing Banksy’s works of art to Scotts Road
rike jokanan 
You must be logged in to post a comment.