Sunset, Beloved
Is the beauty that welcomes
Her serenity.
Sunset
Category: This Person
Satellite
Will it be possible to not long for you? I'm a satellite following you with measured distance, a constant give-and-take or push-and-pull.
Am I a moon to you the earth? Are you the earth to me the sun? Am I the sun to you the centre of the galaxy? Are you the galaxy to me the black hole? Or are you the moon to me the earth? Am I the earth to you the sun? Are you the sun to me the galaxy? Am I the galaxy to you the black hole? So and so.... We are revolving each other through layers or orbits just to find one self.
How beautiful how we position to each other truly is! Traveling together in a journey that we both silently know, religiously follow. It's the you that's me, it's the you that's you.
It’s All Yours
At times it's hard to deal with what's factual
Yet I talk to the face in the mirror:
Aren't all these present by your previous decisions?
Or do you regret of taking what considered best by then?
Nothing is in vain.
There's always a trail I can trace back: choices and decisions I made.
What lesson?
Now don't regret. Tomorrow don't repeat the same mistakes. Yesterday is always valuable lesson. Never (again) blame others.
Is that what's truly it? Maybe just for me, not for everyone.
Timed
It's timed, Beloved
That that evolves. It won't last.
How blessed I'm mortal.
Silence
I admire
You
Beyond words.
When you demand more,
I use thick dictionaries and thesaurus across the universe to praise
You.
The silence is more eloquently accurate than any word can say.
The Life List (movie)
Life list, Beloved,
Not about glory or lost.
It's what truly costs.
I used to list what I wanted to do. Every year I made the list longer until I stopped as I’ve found primary list that I won’t forget to make come true.
One of them is writing my own book (I’ve written with friends in anthology books) so I’m working on it.
Another one is having a home where family and friends feel the true selves in them. My first house was but as it is located not in a preferred place, I decided to make a new one. Working on it–
Many more and I’m working on all of them.
They might come true or not as age is not predictable yet at least I’m working on all of them.
Sooner or later
Amen
Ho’oponopono
Today I contemplated a lot about friendship.
I value friendship, as it is the best I can gift to those I love. Yet some of mine didn’t work well. Just recently one friend sent messages to someone to tell me that she no longer wanted to befriend with me. Her messages were big anger described through words that to me sounded like unreasonable accusations: that I only needed her in need, that she didn’t trust my intension of not inviting her to the hotel where I stayed, that I was not her true friend, that she would not contact me anymore, and so on.
I was upset and said to the “messenger”: Thanks for reading me her messages, please don’t forward the written messages to me, please help delete.”
I got hurt with the hurting accusations. I began to calculate what and how much I had done for her versus what she had done for me. 15-year friendship ended with a message without clarification…. What a tragic comedy!
I got hurt. A short drama started to mount within me….
Until….
Today I met someone who happened to be her friend and mine, who informed me that her mother just passed away after the Idul Fitri. Innalillaahi wa innaa ilaihi rajiun.
And that’s when I knew why she became so sensitive.
She never informed me that her mother passed away. it’s probably her fault.
One time in Ramadhan she sent one message of asking for a call but I was in a massive headache so I didn’t even reply to anyone’s messages including hers. So maybe I also missed some updates from her. It’s probably my faults.
I don’t know; I don’t want to prolong the drama.
I sent her a condolence message. I don’t hope anything but her acceptance of what is.
I’m telling myself that I’m good and play the Ho’oponopono repeatedly to let go off what’s not.
I’m sorry, my own self for being negative. Please forgive me. I thank you. I love you.
Head Piece
Head piece, Beloved
What I've kept in head and heart.
Always about you--
Bulang Mandailing – a head piece for woman of Mandailing ethnic group
Suntiang Gadang – a head piece for woman of Minang ethnic group
Home, Dear Home
Dear Home,
Welcome me
With your warm heart
That beats with love,
And trust.
Do you know how I miss
You?
Your walls with my paintings,
Your ceiling with the down light,
Your floor with shine after vacuum,
Your roof after washed by rain,
Your fragrance that is me.
How are you?
Are you as spacious as before installed with furniture?
I won't add more.
Are you serene after some music played?
I won't play more.
Are you bright after curtain hung?
I won't put those too thick.
I hope you're still a home
Even after I come.
Even I hope you become more homey
After that.
Please know
I only wanted those loving to be here
But then that's not fair.
So you'll see bad people around,
I promise that won't be long and make sure one will only visit once,
And only very few.
Vibe clear!
So only those with clarity want to stay long.
Please know
I want fireflies to be around at night
So you'll be pretty with the tiny bright dots blinking cheerfully.
Please know, dear
Home
That you are built now
By this wandering self
With a loving hope
To meet
You
Very soon.
Dear,
Home.
listening to this song this whole day; yes I can do it to any song that builds a good mood
Sal Priadi’s songs sound like romantic mantra to me especially this one
The strength is his lyrics: simple yet poetic
Lyrics
Kita usahakan rumah itu
Dari depan akan tampak sederhana
Tapi kebunnya luas
Tanamannya mewah, megah
Kita usahakan rumah itu
Dari depan akan tampak sederhana
Tapi dibuat kuat
Dirancang muat, lega
Urusan perabotan dan wangi-wangian
Kuserahkan pada s’leramu yang lebih maju
Tapi tata ruang, aku ikut pertimbangkan
Kar’na kalau nanti kita punya kesibukan
Malam tetap kumpul di meja panjang
Ruang makan kita
Berbincang tentang hari yang panjang
Kita usahakan rumah itu
Dari depan akan tampak sederhana
Tapi penerangannya
Diracik begitu romantis
Urusan perabotan dan wangi-wangian
Kuserahkan pada s’leramu yang lebih maju
Tapi tata ruang, aku ikut pertimbangkan
Kar’na kalau nanti kita punya kesibukan
Malam tetap kumpul di meja panjang
Ruang makan kita
Berbincang tentang hari yang panjang
Boleh kamu keliling dunia
Dan temukan banyak tempat-tempat ‘tuk singgah
Sementara
Kamu boleh namai itu rumah
Selama ada m’reka yang kamu cinta
Di dalamnya
Kita usahakan rumah itu
Breathing
.
Breathing is about circulating CO2 and O2 scientifically. Breathing is about welcome and sayonara mentally. Breathing is about the rhythms and rhymes chosen by one to sing the life path. Breathing is about slowing down and racing on the chosen way.
Which one have I chosen?
My breathing is a center that I'll go back in any daily situation. When happy, I'll go check my breathing. When angry, I'll do the same. When calm, I can feel my breathing slow and soft. When this and when that, I won't let myself depart without managing my breathing. How much fast or slow the breathing is, I will make it calm and long.
My breathing is my anchor that I should release or retrieve based on need.
Dear, Breath.
Never leave me behind, or
Let me walk ahead.
We should travel side by side.
Mother to Child
Dear, Child.
Look at the stars
Blinking their signs;
The shooting star
Burning their directions;
The glowing sky
Telling their histories.
Dear, Child.
Listen to the old songs.
See the old galaxies.
Touch the swirling dusts.
Taste the sweetness of comets.
Smell the expanding universe.
All no limit
But your definition.
Hug me
As we travel.
Trust me
As we wander.
Like I hug
You,
Like I trust
You.
Dear Child.
body and soul is like a female and a male in a marriage as discussed in classes of spirituality
in Javanese tradition body is symbolizing the female that is also the earth — accepting, submissive and intuitive; while soul is symbolizing the male that is also the heaven — giving, powerful and guiding
yet to me it’s not always that way; to me yes body and soul is like a mother and a child — the mother holding an infant (can be a girl or a boy) in a state that the mother is making sure the child is purely happy
I personally believe as long as the soul remains childlike, the body is not suffering — accepting what is is the key
about this life I sometimes don’t want to define as definition is a limit
and so I don’t force my understanding to anyone even to those I love the most because spiritual experience is very personal, cannot be forced, can only be synchronised through mutual journey
that’s why spiritual journey is called silent path; even when we’re in the same discussion room, the expansion of understanding might be different from one another
let’s accept our own silent path with no judgment
❣️
Notes: it’s my personal thought, doesn’t mean to influence anyone, a ranting of a life traveler
Look
How do I look, Love
Before the mirror of heart
Talking honesty.
Who doesn’t want to look young or beautiful at the longest time? Looking young and beautiful is one of the best feelings in life. But how far can human beings stretch themselves to stay young?
Today I bumped into a movie in the flight from Hanoi to Singapore: The Substance in which a woman (played by Demi Moore) is struggling of being not wanted in the industry because of not looking as young anymore. The horror of doing so much to stay young gave me a wake-up call that liking it or not, I who looks younger than her age will definitely age and weaken through time.
How long can I stay young naturally?
I won’t look young all the time especially as I decided to not do expensive facial and body treatment. Factually that’s very not necessary (for me).
Truly at 65 this body is weak and can’t work as now. By then I hope that I can appropriately function as a wise soul staying in a relatively healthy body that does light works everyday until time kindly escorts me to the next gate of life.
Dear, Life.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Please always guide me to stay in the path of human being in the making as long as time allows. I might not get everything grandiose but I don’t want to lose anything precious.
Please give me big heart enough to always experience joy through all senses and to share it everyday.
Happy weekend❣️
Sweet Dreams
All dreams should be sweet.
They should leave beautiful trails
To be well followed.
living with acceptance is a dream
and I’ve achieved it to some extent; I’ve learnt letting go each and every day
and now I want to enjoy my life with someone who has the same project with mine: to live loving & forgiving, to die loved & forgiven
because to me that’s the only way to live happily
Love
What's love, Beloved?
It's what she does and becomes.
As red as ruby--
I love jewelry; these are a set of ruby I bought in Scott Market in Yangon, Myanmar in 2018
so many gemstones made my eyes wildly browsed all possibly affordable ones
i bought sapphire, ruby, jade and amber that have become my precious entertainer cum advisor when I’m lost.
gemstone is not only beautiful but also symbols of wisdom and beauty
Thank you❣️
Blue
What's blue, Beloved?
Tranquility. Sky and sea
As calm as can be--
painted my nails blue to keep my spirit on and on and on
it doesn’t matter if people say I just look wise but actually unwise — I’m not wise indeed ☺️
I only say what’s aligned between my head and heart and even my belly
☺️
Kitchen Calls
Kitchen calls, my love
Those in love with life and taste
And the folks in heart.
today’s ifthar with so much love
we call it bothok not the Botox injection — it’s tempeh, anchovy in grated coconut + santan wrapped by my hands in banana leaves 😍
sayur asem (sour soup) normally the sourness is from tamarind but today I used buah kedondong peel
Japanese cracker that I love always
still the Bac Ninh oranges
kedondong
Dear Heart
Dear
Heart
That
Softens,
Love me
Also
Let me go.
loving others is easier than loving one’s self; after that letting go others is easier than letting go one’s self
I’m letting go all.
💗
Loved? Fulfilled?
Stacking oranges
Shine on a fruit container.
Loved fruits to fulfill
Love has many languages: more than 5 to express it. Fulfilment has only 1: getting/giving what’s wanted.
Fulfilment can be the feeling of getting attention, receiving compliment, passing a test, making a relationship, owning a dream house, invited to important events, getting this or having that.
But love…. I still feel my father’s love although he passed away > 20 years ago. I feel my mother’s love although she lives far away. I still feel my siblings’ love although we don’t talk with each other everyday. It’s the time & moments we’ve cherished . It’s smiles & jokes when gathering in our small dining room. It’s their hi through WhatsApp asking where I am & telling me to be well. It’s the reconciliation after small fights. It’s the blood that I can’t unflow from this body. It’s the karma to serve in the same family. The prayers that I know sent through whisper & breath every time we remember each other. My best friends are included, too.
I constantly need love; without love I will lose hope & die in despair. It stays in the heart & soul, fueling the journey of human being in the making. No expiry date for love: beyond time & space.
I need fulfilment in certain timelines. No big house forever. Not much money forever. No jewelry forever. I won’t need this body forever. The best limit for fulfilment is “in moderation”, “enough” & yes it’s based on my own evaluation.
I claim this shallow mind about love & fulfilment. I’m learning.
Thank you.
Note: This might not work for you. Find your own life treasure within.
💗
You & I
I chat with you
With no language.
When with you,
I know no time.
Yet we separate
To miss each other,
To love
With condition
Then without.
in love everyday
Transactional
I buy your voice with hearing.
I buy your look with sight.
I buy your scent with smelling.
Some I buy with touch and taste.
I buy, never take anything from you for free.
Now you agree senses are currency, no?
A voice screams in whisper:
From whom do you get the senses?
She's in a daze
Again and again,
Failed in transaction
Against
You.
The Way I See You
My perspective about you might change all the time.
It might be about in which angle I stand when looking at you, or
How far I distance my sight when observing you, or
How full circle I go around you to see all sides, or
How long I stay in one corner speechless enjoying the daisy, or
How critical I pull all the dots of you looking imperfect in these eyes until I find it's the lenses impaired that I can't see your beaut so see-through, or
Simply how I accept how you describe you....
I always want the last as I want you to tell me about you.
But you know, sometimes I don't trust you....
Let me trust you.
all is true in its own position – layers of truth apply to human beings’ journey; clarity is truly important to make the right decision, belief is important to stay in the chosen lane
Loaded
I'm loaded
With burdens
That are not on my body.
The suffering borne
By others
Has leak in
To this porous heart.
Let me be
In rest, Beloved
In the flow of
My slow life
That doesn't chase what I used to chase,
That doesn't crave what I used to crave,
That embraces the acceptance of what is,
That sits alone in room with
You.
how can I not care to those sick, hungry and sad around me who seek help from me? I’ve cried and maybe it is time to stop for a while
just for a while, Beloved
just for a while
before I walk again in this narrow path with grass and daisies around
to where my love suits her scent
let me rest for a while
before it’s time to be your loving hands again for a longer while
thank you….
❣️
This Light Heart
Let there be light.
Let there be light.
Light in heart.
Light of heart.
Light around heart.
Light through heart.
Light borrowed.
Light lent.
Light along this journey.
Light journey.
Light heart.
this heart feels the lightest when I’m riding my bike, exploring the greenery around the neighborhood
rain, I love you but please pause on just one day so I can either visit the water lilies in the river or tropical flowers in the paths around the reservoir
💛
Accepted
There is a dot
Where a circle is closed.
That is, Beloved
Where I accept
That
However I look won't be good,
Whatever I say won't be right,
To
You.
This heart is a collection of
Tiny circles closing every time
Lesson is learnt.
And so,
Let me close one
For a while
To fully accept
Its breakage.
Let me celebrate this tiny hope
At the edge of this grandiose world
Where only power seems matter.
no, I don’t want to lose hope to have a better world even if that whom I love the most thinks this idea is a nonsense
keep loving, dear heart, even if the sun is an inch over this head
💙
About A Magic
This love, Beloved,
Blooms to shine within and out.
Don't discriminate.
how deed is your love?
I love. Yes I do love….
…. but very rarely romantically up to this age (4 times).
Among the rare romantic love, what was the most magical?
It was when I fell in love with a (maybe) gay man.
Don’t judge me; I didn’t know he was a gay. Don’t judge him; it was his choice.
Love is love. It is still worth appreciating. I respect everyone’s choice of life including one’s sexual orientation & gender identity (some of my friends & colleagues are in that group) but I am not a person to be in a romantic relationship with LGBTQ no matter what.
Thank you, Love for the experience. I’m lucky to have a big heart. I believe my heart is even now deeper and more spacious with the magic that has happened to me.
Alhamdulillah.
😊
❣️
Journey
Journey, Beloved,
To the line where I started,
Timed with acceptance--
some people think when an effort doesn’t result in what is targetted, it means a loss — to me it is not a loss, it is a lesson learnt not to do better to win but to know how to let go more immediately, gracefully with less pain
no, not all can do that earlier — some people are just loving to compete against anyone in their journey not knowing it is a silent journey, they think any lane with others present is called a race
no, not all can do that earlier — some people think they are much more superior that can consider themselves excel in everything not knowing that they silently are left behind by many authentically much better in most aspects of life
”m sure everyone will be able to do it when the time is coming
it doesn’t matter, we’re all children of life
☺️
Note: negating, denying, ignoring: patterns that slow down maturity process
Dwellers
Dwellers, Beloved
We are in this space, searching
What's known yet unknown;
Or, what's unknown in fact known
By a searcher who's been searched.
love is in the center of my searching in which I’ve been dwelling in this space with the sun, the moon and the stars
I’ve been searching myself who’s sitting patiently, radiantly knowing that I am longed for by the lover
thank you for the love that you’ve given to me through all those around me: human beings, non humane things and those unseen but sensed, and those unseen and not sensed
About Believing (ranting)
Doubt and trust, my love,
Between which I wait for you
To sing a love song.
While knowing makes me clearly decide what to do, believing keeps me walking even when it’s pitch black or blinding bright.
Believing is not about taking something with evidences. Believing is taking things for granted as there is no choice while I should keep on. As long as evidence is not yet well presented, it’s believing, not knowing.
What do I believe most in life? That there is only one able to help me, the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love, you. Yet I’m shaken now & then by what’s called doubt. Doubt moves the graphic of trust up & down which is normal as said by a master “the faith is up & down”.
In uncertainty, do I still believe of salvation? Yes, I believe in salvation as I don’t know if it is happening or not. At the same time I make space for doubt so I’m humanely questioning myself whether I’m doing well in clarifying the ways. There’s something I miss when in doubt & the space in which I miss always gives me hope, a feel of falling in love with something that I believe will drop wisdom to the heart.
How beautiful the collaboration of belief & doubt is! It ignites love. Love is an eternal flame that sparkles dancing depending on how trust & doubt tango. Without the existence of both, love will look like a marble slab: cold, hard, mute; while a flame: warm, soft, dynamic.
I know in order to keep love & wisdom rekindling as long as I live, I’ve got to believe in the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love or you that sometimes resides so deep in Him or Me.
What a rant!
at that age (below 30) I believed that all were good with lil doubt and as a result I was cheated, lied to but at the same time I gained kindness, endurance and silence
now? kindness, carefree, clarity as these 3 are most needed to live a human being’s life lightly and genuinely
my formula, not applied to all
keep believing that love prevails
😊
If
If and if, dear love
The silence breaks, I will fly
With true adventure.
if I am to choose an animal to be my daemon, I’ll always choose a cat
I don’t know why; I used to live with a cat in my small home in Indonesia before moving to Singapore, as my job was 75% traveling, I could not bring Bob with me and so my mother took care of him — one year later, he died
I still want a cat some day 💕
if I am to choose what animal I’m to be, it would not be a cat though
maybe dolphin so I can live in the depth of water while playfully jump to the air
me with a plastic of water — when I was a girl, I loved playing with water so much; almost everyday I put water in a plastic bag and pinched the surface so the plastic became spiky
this lil girl is my home, my sanctuary
Eyes Closed
Eyes closed, Beloved
Blind her for love far away.
Tell her to go home.
today I’m called to go back home to my own heart full of love — love is blind taking me too far away from where I should be
I always think love is beautiful even when it’s so preoccupied with one object so alien for me, that way love lovingly and softly wakes me up after some time “Rike, time to go home, this might be someone else’s place, not yours”
with unsteady steps I had to accept that all the info is confirmed that I need to go home
to where I should be:
my dear heart full of love singing truly about who I am and who will be my home outside my own home
let me take care of this loving heart and calmly step on the love path, truly, genuinely, naturally….
keep singing love, dear self; there is nothing more beautiful than being natural, genuine, kind and true
keep loving
keep loving
keep loving
rike jokanan 
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