One by one they fall,
Petals decompose to soil,
Fertilising life—
—
No Regret
Tag: self love
Friends & Love Stories (ranting)
See this pendulum
Swinging between two far poles
Knowing each other—
—
Someone called me and asked if we could have a dinner. We hadn’t met for many years. Knowing this person was in Singapore, I excitedly agreed to meet. Meeting this person, I was given a shock. This person looked weary and older than one’s age. The excellent appearance and posture was totally gone. That time I felt so blessed for for being me.
Me: I am not a marriage advisor, dear. Not even ever married yet! (That’s after a very long ranting from the friend stopped).
SO: But I know you are the most suitable one I can talk to.
Me: Oh…. (damn wrong, whispered to myself)
SO: …. A broken marriage… !@#$%^&*()_+=-::’<>,./?~~~~~~~~~~ What should I do?
Me: Oh…. (proven wrong talking to me, whispered to myself)
SO: …. Divorce is painful…. !@#$%^&*()_+=-::’<>,./?~~~~~~~~~~ What should I do?
Me: Oh…. Ummm (starting to show sympathy) I understand how you feel in this situation. Must be painful. Your own stress, the other one’s stress, your children, other people’s impression and words about you, your work….. Everything seems not at your side. I can understand you feel unwanted, useless, bad, irresponsible. Yet decision was made. You just should face it. How? Not sure if my word is reasonable and responsible but I think you just need to keep being you: working as before, doing activities that are still accessible, talking to your children like before, talking to your ex about the children….
SO: You don’t know! It is not that easy!
Me: Oh…. I am so sorry. I might not fully understand it is not that easy. I am so sorry for my ignorance. (told ya I am not the right person, whispered to myself)
SO: How would you survive alone all this time? You seem so happy with your life. Sometimes I regret for getting married too young. Look at you and X and Y and Z. All the singles are happy.
Me: (Oh! A sudden death! I know this would come but too soon, too soon. Let me find the right words. Whispered again to myself ) Ummm…. I think it is not that easy too…. Ummm…. I am happy, yes. Not always, but most of the time I am. Yet I also probably started hard.
SO: You don’t seem ever in hard time.
Me: That’s what you see. !@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@&%%%%%%%%%%%%%.
SO: So do you think I can survive?
Me: Of course. Although our problem is not the same, I am sure you can. Don’t underestimate your ability to cope with the hardship of life. You are stronger than you think. You just don’t know it yet.
SO: You really don’t want to get married?
Me: (This question I never like, never like, never like; whispered to myself, but need to find the best words that won’t cause any further question.) This is out of context; you should not ask me this question. Not that I don’t want. It’s just about time.
SO: Do you fall in love?
Me: Ok, now you are asking me question about me.
SO: I feel good when knowing I am not alone.
Me: (Make sense, but why me oh my God!) Ok. Ok. I can make you feel better. Yes I fall in love and break my heart. And I don’t want to break my heart again.
SO: So you don’t want to fall in love again?
Me: Of course not like that. I fall in love again and again.
SO: With whom?
Me: With my eyes. With my lips. With my hair. With my morning. With my job. With my…. (I saw the person got annoyed but I continued with more things) Hahaha….
SO: Is it that easy?
Me: Nothing is easy automatically. It takes practice and time.
SO: What if I don’t get married again in the future?
Me: That’s too far away. Think about what you can do today.
SO: Do you think I still have a chance to get married?
Me: Of course if you want! Just find the right person.
SO: How can I find it? How?
Me: (Oh my God, help me before I can help others. Whispered to myself while finding the best words for this troubled person; even an intelligent person can be as dumb as this in one’s bad time) Hey, hey! If I know how to get the right person, I would have been married much earlier. This question is irrelevant.
SO: Hahaha……! Sorry, sorry! Hahaha……..!
Me: (Ok, at least I made you happy, whispered to myself. Mostly smiling among listening to the ranting, I enjoyed a perfect night — no rain, enough breeze…. Hours can feel like minutes…. On and on and on and on until midnight. Whispered to myself.) Cinderella has to go home, my friend. Or else, she will be back to be Cendrillon.
SO: I feel so much better. It feels like I find myself again. Maybe I was too preoccupied with not important things that I thought I lost the person I had known so long, myself.
Me: I might be like that in the same situation, maybe worse.
SO: Thank you very much.
Me: (I didn’t do anything. Just sat down and listened and responded to you. Whispered to myself for how many times heaven knows) The least I can do. It is good to meet long lost friend. Welcome back.
Dear friend, I know you’ll read this with a smile. Get better. See you some day. When meeting me again, make sure you look nicer.
Lesson learnt: Be patient with those facing fresh-from-the-oven problem. Don’t judge. Be a good listener. Don’t try to be a perfect advisor because you are not. Be yourself. Don’t get offended, someone in trouble may unintentionally disturb you.
Smile
Smile, Beloved, smile.
It’s a luxurious gift
For you and for me.
—
I was checking my educational docs and was in awe to see my photos in each of different docs. How I am touched by physical transformation and what experiences attached to it, that makes me stay loyal with my own self whatsoever.
Tell yourself that your life is a journey that if you need buddy, you should pick those willing to share wonder. Otherwise, travel alone. 💝
Thank you!
💝
Love Is
Two love birds singing
In a cage full of good food.
A choice to a love—
—
Love is…. ?
Love is…. ?
Love is…. ?
Damn! I can’t define it except that it is sometimes misunderstood with lust.
That it is often symbolised with a heart shape. Maybe most human beings believe love comes from the heart. Hey! Is that really the shape of a heart? Or just how we agree that it is a shape of the heart?
That it is discussed everywhere but also wasted everywhere.
What I believe love is a verb not a noun so without action, it is muted sooner or later. At the same time love is an energy that cannot be created or destroyed so it is there and will be there, yet it can transform and/or transfer between subjects. Compatibility (chemistry), heat (intensity), motion (intension), what else can change the form of love? (oops forgetting all the physics learnt when younger)…. Anyway, it transforms and transfers (circulates can be another word) between (or among if circulated) human beings. So, accept it.
I believe love is about interest that human being cannot select voluntarily. It is a blessing at the same time a curse. it can be love between two love birds inseparable, or Tom and Jerry entertainingly cruel for either of two, or as cold as Antarctica.
I believe love is the core power generator of life that if removed, life will disappear. Never give up love. Broken heart is just a milestone that brings a human being to deeper and deeper understanding about him/herself. Broken because of a crush? Broken because of family? Broken because of friendship? Broken because of work? Broken because of world reality? A human being can always fix it gradually with anger, disappointment then acceptance. Just don’t be broken because of yourself – you are the most precious for yourself.
I believe that the way someone loves evolves through time, and it will suit the person’s intention never not. There should not be regret of what has happened because of love. Yet it is a regret that some people still choose to constantly send covert or overt humiliation and torture to hurt intentionally and/or to disrespect further to those they don’t love, while the best way should be forgiving or clearly declaring clear disagreement. War is one of them. Yet liked or not, that is the evolution of loving.
This weekend comes with a basket full of lessons learnt, a heap of ideas to pour as blessings in writings that I can re-read someday in the future.
Thank you, Love. You are never wasted.
Alfatihah to all whom I love.
Time Takes Side
Time flows, Beloved,
To an estuary of hope.
Time flows, Beloved,
To the eternity sea.
Won’t be long before we meet—
Time flows, Beloved
To you through me. White beacon
Blinks red at low tide.
Wind says the woodlands miss me.
Time flows, Beloved. Thank you.
—————————————————————
Don’t take too long a time to fix an issue. Time wisely travels with those willing to appreciate a journey through action taking along with wisdom harvesting. Otherwise, it will bulldoze what’s not solved.
Dear January. I know you’ll transform with me who doesn’t want remedial lessons next year.
Thank you, 2021. Welcome, 2022.
Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiem….
💝
Forever
A strand of white pearls
Harvested in the deep sea
Bedazzles her neck.
————————————————————
There is time when I regret of what’s done and nervous about what will happen. Why did I do that? I should have done this. What if I fail again? I am not good enough.
I used to think money was everything with happiness but I prove that money is the biggest illusion in life that I misunderstood. Now I consider money should be merely a tool, never a purpose. Yet I still think of what if my company stock price decreases? 😁
I used to look for happiness and protection in a relationship. With experiences I become strongly convinced that only a healthy relationship with the self can help me cope with problems; moreover, without healthy relation with my self any relationship with others won’t work well. Yet I still don’t heal from broken heart easily and still think whether or not I will meet someone I can share some simple happiness and shelter with.
I was between life and death situations more than once for some illness before, and so helpless about future. And gradually I realise that death can come anytime even when people are healthy. Yet I still hope I die when I let go of any confusion and live in clarity.
However, there is time when I know that only in the now I can accept everything. In the now I can shed tears with mixture of gratefulness for what’s breaking my heart and blessings of what’s boosting the quality of life. In the now I can smile just by seeing piling laundry waiting for ironing. In the now I can see the canvas is the door of self healing. In the now I can imagine sending a cake full of love for my loved ones who live in many different places, whom I cannot visit with many reasons. In the now I can see shades of real and true happiness in each and every experience from wake up to sleep.
Thank you for the now and now and now that form a strand of pearls called forever.
I live forever until the last now meets with the first now.
Al Fatihah to all of my loved ones across the oceans. I bless you happiness.
Salaam….
Moment To Simply Live
Life pace, Beloved
Chosen wisdom, loved glory
Of everyday life—
————————————————
I wish to retire at 52 and will be a person with not too many layers of identity, being a human being living a slower-paced life, contributing to smaller society and community with my own hands with all my heart and soul, respected as I am I am not as I am who is associated to prominent organizations.
One of good friends reminded me to get prepared for that will definitely be a much different life. There won’t be luxurious facilities enjoyed, privilege given, smiles and hand shake or bow. She says it’s gonna be a true life though loved and respected by those with genuine love and respect. No transactional courtesy, all is about friendship and humanity.
When? Still long time to go but short enough because now I live in a fast-paced life.
Time to prepare.
Once retired, I won’t want to be in contact with those who have respected me because of business or money. They should be eliminated from friendship. They will deserve others who have the capacity.
May all beings be happy. 💝
Quests
Dogma, Beloved,
The least she can hold in life.
She is full of quests.
————————————————————
What human beings should think of being sick is it is a tool materialised by Life to make them stop or at least slow down especially from analysing every single thing. Yet human beings often forget that blessing should not be always gift-wrapped in fancy paper with ribbons; it might be sometimes humbly bundled in a sack.
Blimey! Why do I have so many sacks? And poorly unable to untie them successfully 😎
May all beings be happy.
Self Love Or Selfish?
Self love or selfish? A striking question to me From me about me. The answer hangs up the call Coming from behind my head. — Singapore, October 26, 2020 - 9:45pm
Arid Land, His Heart
I never want to hurt myself, I just didn’t know who you are.
I got hurt by a cactus in a desert
Who pricks little fingers,
Who just want to touch this life softly,
Not hurting, not taking anything away.
Wounded, I decided to blame stupidity:
Why did I have to have to have to have to have to just touch cacti? I should have left that arid land long before I touched a prickly spirit.
A delayed regret is less important than a lesson learned but it always gives a story the most significant pivot.
Now
I’ll just admire from here
From where I stand
With millions of prayers
For a secret journey.
Yet I know you are a ghost days and nights.
Someday when I pour down the rain,
You’ll know.
Love is as sweet as water in drought—
Maybe—
If it is not late....
May all beings be happy.
You, What?
You are a flower
Ready for fruition. Give
The best of all crop.
Looking In To Self – haiku
Your self perception Doesn’t represent true you. So is self portrait.
10% of self portrait hasn’t even captured the spirit of the person being painted. It is either a failure of technique or absence of realism talent. Or both?
May all beings be happy.
Take A Break – haiku
What does Friday bring? Laundry, canvas, wok and pan Wrapped in a good mood.
My stubborn headache and stiff neck suddenly vanished this evening….
I naturally love my job and love it even more every day with the space between two weeks!
May all beings be happy.
Empty Talk of Friendship between Self & Love – ranting
There are times when you feel people pass by you igniting some fire inside of you. Oops! Not you, it is me. There are times when I feel people pass by me igniting some fire inside of me. And that day is ruined, work isn’t fun, chores aren’t fun, good movies become boring, good books become rubbish, many things become lousy.
This evening I looked at the face in the mirror, scrutinised the body line, touched the thinning hair and felt the throbbing core in the chest. Closing my eyes, those faces of people igniting my fire jumped and jolted out of my head…. And some inner songs are sung to the Self.
Dear Self,
All coming to you as Teachers with different what and how.
Some people come teaching with words.
Some others come teaching with actions.
Some others come teaching with emotions.
The others come teaching you with the combination of those.
You’ve gotta accept those people lightly ‘coz they are just Teachers.
Oh, Love
I don’t feel like having Teachers anymore.
Dear Self,
Then take them as Messengers.
All the words, actions and emotions are lines of messages, prophecies, justification, validation, rectification…. Or even judgement for you, on you, to you.
Just take them as Messengers and let them go freely and lightly. Don’t hold on to who they are. The messages and the way the messages are brought to you is more meaningful than the Messengers.
Let the Messengers go. They need to send messages to other human beings.
Oh, Love.
I know now.
My hair becomes grey and thinning because of the ugly voices.
My skin and flesh becomes flabby because of the cruel hands and feet.
My eyes and smiles become dull and gloomy because of the laughter and anger.
Those are all the reflections of my own deficiencies, not those Messengers’.
I care too much on who and whom and that has made me so tired like Heaven.
Dear Self.
Now that you know….
Oh, Love.
I don’t know
Dear Self.
But you said you know….
Oh, Love.
Let me revise. Now I know that I just need to see thing as it is, not adding assumption, perception and loading emotions….
That way I liberate myself.
That way I unlearn what have blinded me from the reality.
That way I accept things as they are.
That way I judge things neutral.
And that way I can live lightly.
Dear Self
Good!
Oh, Love.
Nothing is good or bad.
Dear Self.
You start to talk wise like me.
Oh, Love.
Aren’t I you?
Dear Self,
Stop.
Time to eat your fried tofu then sleep….
Oh, Love.
You are wise and know what I need….
—-
Note to Self: sometimes you don’t have to take life so heavily; otherwise, your head will explode before its due date. Eat then sleep! 😁
Wither – music and lyric
When the dream has fallen down
Let it go.
Move on.
Though not wither, hope can dry out and burn itself down like forest in heat fire….
May all beings be happy.
To Myself
To myself: I love you forever….
.
.
Who’s That YouTuber – haiku
Who’s that YouTuber
Breaking the bones to pieces
But reviving Self?
Singapore – Jun. 7, 2020 / 22:11
—
I never imagined before that I will have enough time re-watch Studio Ghibli’s then watch history-based Korean TV series —Hey! I don’t watch that Itaeawon Class type of thing— then take random choices in Netflix (If you know Dead Poets Society, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, The Little Rascals, The Hobbits, 47 Ronin or Assassin’s Creed then you know what random means to me) and…..
…. additional contents in YouTube other than those I’ve been following for years. Too much information: I’ve read less recently 😷
And here is what might have been one worst result of all the watching thing: I found Chloe Ting’s YouTube channel and decided to join the 30-day challenge to get flat belly. And I can’t just give up! I’d better make Super score for myself! Or else, I’m gonna hate gym forevah!
Thanks, Chloe Ting!
May all beings be happy.
🙏🏼
Weekend Cooking & Sketching – my mood
Weekend is always fun with cooking my own food. Never say my food is bad. However it is, I’ll eat it and say YUMMY!!!
And of course sketching, writing and walking!!! 🥰
May all beings be happy!
rike jokanan 
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