graphs of my Universe
Forbidden city not.
Imaginary power
Ruined through history—
—
What’s built on weak foundation will collapse. Lies, betrayal, tyranny, iniquity adorn the strong marble slabs and zhennan wood logs, remembered through time.
Life is undeniably karmic: what is sown is what is reaped.
So satisfying to see time reveals the truth!
Salaam.
Point zero, my love
Here now, unshakeable ground
After the earthquakes—
—
I’ve been a full time thinker for the past one week…. Thanks to the physical weakness brought by the virus! 🥰 And here is the ranting abridged 🙃
Life has always suggested me to walk through places where paradoxical situations exist and has made me weigh what life path should be chosen. Luckily life has always sent me angels (fallen angels included 😄) who remind me that life isn’t only about exploiting what’s considered lucrative and physically pleasant; it’s also about exploring what’s wising-up and spiritually enriching.
When I was young; books, courses, lectures, workshops were kind of “subscription” I had to shape a level of mental toughness. Yet there was exhaustion and anti-climax for intensity every now and then (good deed included 😄). Losing faith, difficulty to trust human beings and skepticism to almost everything triggered me to deconstruct my own mindset.
Another “point zero” came and brought a decision to take a course inspired by one friend named Eva (not one of my close friends but she is definitely one trusted human being). I promised to myself that this would be my LAST course to finally be unshakeable me.
I flew to Edinburgh and was driven from the airport to a place called Chisholme House by Mr Brix who became an excellent opening of my self re-discovery. He introduced me to the richness of self re-discovery even before the course started. That was when I felt so lucky to have read Ibn Arabi, Rumi and English literature although not extensively and to have learnt Javanese wisdom that is considered “local” by many of my friends (which I always disagree) as Mr Brix’ languages were using all those keywords in the repertoire from my literature reading and cultural wisdom. Indeed Mr Brix was a “gate” welcoming me to a true friendship or fellowship bonded by humanity.
The course was simply daily schedules for us to an experiencing life or “human beings who work” — physically, mentally, spiritually, socially in connection with their own self, other human beings and nature. Of course the classes was the superb! Collins, Hiroko and Aaron were excellent facilitators and to me they are role models of ordinary yet impressive human being! Collins was a loving husband and father cum the best administrator. Hiroko was a loving mother and wife cum an excellent painter! Aaron was an excellent chef cum wise philosopher! 💝
It was so normal a life that I felt so blessed. We woke up in the morning then took a bath or at least took ablution. We started the day with a group meditation — everyone: the course participants, kitchen staffs, office staffs, garden staffs, etc except those who overslept. Then we had breakfast — English breakfast! After that we started the class; the staffs started their duties. After that we had tea break then WORK! Work meant doing the assigned chores (garden, kitchen, house, laundry). After that class again then English lunch! Then lunch break for one hour. Class again. Mediation again. Work again. Afternoon tea. Personal time (we could go to the hill, forest, sleep, talk to staffs or participants, whatever). English dinner. Discussion time. Free time. Sleep…. Repeat.
Completing the “self re-discovery”, I found that life is like riding bicycle, balancing while moving. I lose, I win. I fall in love, I break heart. I get sick, I get cured. I trust, I distrust. I think, I feel. I work, I take a rest.
Balancing is about knowing the limit. I lose against someone/something but I gain wisdom. I fall in love at the same time I have to accept the unpredictable responses. I get sick then I will be cured. I trust with or without reasoning yet can also distrust because of the true or false reasoning. I think based on logic yet when logic doesn’t count, only feeling of acceptance will neutralise the situation. And, when I am tired, I should take time-out. Just like that!
And I actually graduated with flying colours from many “extra” lessons: doing laundry, washing dishes, house keeping, potato harvesting, making bread, cooking English lunch, preparing dining table, raking dry leaves, going up and down the hills in the rain, walking in the moorland, listening to silence, listening to others’ opinions, identifying and recognising true intelligent people, trusting the right people at the right time in the right place, respecting stupid idiot (myself included 😂), taking a bath in the cold morning, and more and more!
And yes, that was the last course in my life. Ordinary yet impressive, like what I always want myself to be to and for those having in touch with me.
I want to be back there not as a participant but as a guest in the English breakfast or lunch bringing a best friend who deserves an ordinary yet impressive life.
…. 💕
Thanks for today! 😴
Salaam…
—
Nowhere, Beloved,
To depart. Wait for next train.
Look around and pray.
—
Checking my old photos, I saw an almost forgotten one. A station that was giving me the most alarming experience in that trip.
Back in April 2017 I was in a solo travel for 20 days in EU region when the train from Lyon left me no choice but changing train in Bourg-en-Bresse. It was rainy and windy, almost 5pm local time, some passengers got off with me but all of them went out of the station (perhaps to go home) and only I stayed to wait for the next train at 7:15pm.
For almost 45 minutes and no one was coming. A group of young men entered the other side of the railway. They sounded chatting and giggling. I tried to avoid looking at them. It was my first time feeling insecure in the trip.
I continued reading my book (now pretending) as I felt so uneasy with the noise across the lines.
“Hi! Lady!” I looked around. No woman but me. Damn! They called me.
I didn’t say anything, my eyes looked back to my book.
“Hi! Hi!” Don’t say anything, Rike. Don’t look at them. My left hand slowly moved down to my Swiss knife in the inner pocket of the jacket.
Only prayer in heart and some strategies that were taught by my brothers on how to use the Swiss knife and simple kicks to defend myself from bad guys.
“Lady!” They shouted at me more loudly after some time.
“Lady!” The guys laughed out loud among their French words. I saw them waved their hands to me. They whistled at me. I wondered why no one was here but those guys. In my country there are always many people selling things around railway station. There are always tricycle riders moving around.
When those guys got even merrier and happier, I saw a shadow moved the tall doors behind the guys.
A tall black lady drew a trunk and went across line 1 to line 2 and to line 3 where I was almost ready to hurt any of the guys if they approached me.
The guys stopped their noise. The lady walked towards me.
I didn’t feel better. This lady could stop the guys’ laughters and whistles, she must have been able to do stronger thing than that including killing me— I had to be alert!
“Hi! Going to Geneva?” A soft voice greeted me.
“Hi! Ya! Are you?”
“Yes! The train will arrive soon.”
“Thanks God!”
“No, it is just the schedule.”
😁
We eventually were sitting in the same cart. She was working in the UN headquarters and traveled back from personal leave. She said I was lucky to take this train, not later one that might have made me encounter with more men in the station unluckily often drunk.
“Thanks God!“
“No, you just need to choose the right timing.”
😁
I almost forgot that I met this smart wise tough lady. Wherever you are, Madam, I wish you good luck! Thank you for saving me with your timeliness.
Salaam.
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
Yet dimensions have distanced us with invisible connection.
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
Only wish and pray I can send through speechless wireless across the elements.
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
Dream, dream, dream, dear love.
Life is but a dream.
I hope we visit each other
In each of our good dreams,
Before we wake up and together we stream.
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t count
Even how I miss you most; like a tiny penny in a billionaire’s account:
Missed and forgotten through space and time.
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
It rains again which I love the most
As the longing for you gets swept away
By the water falling and gliding on the window: sweetly cold.
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
….
Yet this stubborn heart
Still sings in silence
Alone with clear sweet voice
Without doubt
That someday this feeling will fade away,
Leaving a good memory through time and space.
Listen, this is an ode
To a secret love:
Oh….
How
I
Miss
You
So
—
—
Broken clay jar, Love,
A love letter torn apart.
Message of a heart—
—
How broken you are, I will always love and respect you as a clay jar that records history and memory, in the hands of an ignorant they become waste and rubbish, in the hands of wise lessons and wisdom.
I’ll take your broken clay jar to kintsugi craftsmen in near future trip just in case they can also repair broken clay jar. 🤭
Otherwise, I’ll keep it in my mini cabinet of curiosity to be a reminder that a heart is so fragile or so broken and so worth handling with care.
Salam…. 🙏🏼
7, Beloved,
Oceans, mountains and heavens
Represent this joy!
—
Can’t move on from number 7. Thanks so much! 💝
Journey, Beloved,
Counting every blessed milestone;
Deletion of doubts—
—
My personal definition of Australia: where beer is consumed more than water. It might be wrong to others but that was what I saw with these very eyes with no doubt. 😎
I will win
In any battle.
My flag is rising
As high as the farthest star
Reaching you
Bravely!
In me is a girl who dares!
I’m brave!
Don’t try me!
I am….
Brave!
—
This life, Beloved:
Mysteriously composed,
Beautifully done—
—
This sight is defeated just by a sheet of paper. I can’t see what You can. I’m surrendering this self to…
You. 💝
Salam…
This love has a source
And so flowing with no stop
A blissful journey—
—
Blessed with bliss
Helianthus, Love,
Compliment from Mother Earth,
Beauty kept not plucked—
—
Morning, Beloved,
Summariser of senses
Foundation of days—
—
What morning can bring to a warm heart is always a bunch of sweet surprise.
Thank you!
These eyes, Beloved,
Sparkle behind a curtain
Hiding your shadow—
—
Thanks for these healthy eyes. 💝
Anniversary,
Happy! Thank you, second home.
Row, row, row your boat.
—
Thank you for becoming my shelter and taking care of me.
Blooming, Beloved,
Her delicate sword lilies
To adorn August—
—
Gladiolus: faithfulness and integrity
Happy weekend!
Orange, Beloved,
Mixture of red and yellow;
Calmly encouraged
—
Orange is the color of joy and creativity. Orange promotes a sense of general wellness and emotional energy that should be shared, such as compassion, passion, and warmth. Orange will help a person recover from disappointments, a wounded heart, or a blow to one’s pride. (excerpted from BournCreative)
Thanks for today.
💝
Nocturne, Beloved,
Desert at velvety nights;
Her hair is waving,
Where pitch and rhythm dangle
Sprinkling tones of a warm heart
—
Night is a sweet shelter that never complains whether I snore or sing or cry or laugh or play or work or just sit on the window nook.
Serene….
Blue sky, Beloved,
Where clouds swim before the rain,
Dreams play on the swings—
—
Bring me home to rest before next destination.
Thank you for the blessings. 💝
Home – Jul 31, 2022/19:46
Align, Beloved.
Don’t let conditions rule you.
That feel good is good!
—
Feeling good is good. Feel good from morning wake-up until night dose-off.
Thank you!
The joy, Beloved,
Prancing light and smiling bright;
Warm heart fills the air.
—
Look around. Message is everywhere.
Listen, Beloved,
Humming angels keep singing
Song of union.
Ears can’t hear, too low a voice.
Heart can, swayed by the wind though.
Root deep, Beloved.
The song vibrates in the earth,
Making grass and flowers bloom,
Brightening up the meadow—
Listen, Beloved.
—
It takes enormous patience to listen to the silence. Hey! Is it being patient or simply allowing quietness to sit where birds and monkeys are hopping and making noise?
Listening is a skill. A skill needs practices to mastery. Mastery takes time. Time takes breathing, in, out, with awareness.
—practicing listening mode on—
Witness, Beloved,
Umbrella in rainy days,
Locked door in dark nights—
—
Still celebrating my hair!
Not every woman likes growing long hair. I do love it. I did short hair in some period of time: senior high school when short hair gave privilege to be called “not too girl” and some recent years when busy days took away the hair time.
Now the long hair period has claimed its prime time back and ready to witness the joy shared by its owner.
May all beings be happy.
I’m lost, Beloved.
This market keeps me busy.
What time is it now?
—
One friend said to me that I might be lost. What she meant by lost is I’m not as good as she is at interpreting ultimate truth and looking less than I was before.
If that’s the definition of lost then I’ve been lost since decades. I’ve never been truly right — or found? 😁
There are patches of time in life when my honesty is tested within. Am I loyal to myself? Am I caring about my own wellbeing? Am I aware of to where I’m heading? Am I aware of what I’m doing? Am I aware of the configuration of individuals around me? And am I aware of what’s beyond all these (divine entity, higher power, gods, God, universe, life, whatever you call it)?
Each of those questions should be answered at least “more than half yes” —let’s put 80%— because “full yes” is impossible except for those with high intelligence (not about IQ, intelligence is the naturally-attached awareness of being a well-developed human being). And when my yes is below 80% that is when confusion will lead to another confusion to another confusion until there is one question answered at least more than half.
If loyalty to my self is only 40%, I will have to shop for 40-60% outside in order to achieve 80-100%. I will crave for validation from others offline and online. Lack of self trust and honest self reflection is my personal indicator. Virtually number of likes, followers, subscribers, comments in popularity-based social media have become both blessings and curse with which external validation is quantified and a group of people are willing to do anything literally anything to be popular. FYI, there will be an alternative social media highlighting both merit and popularity, symbolic.id hopefully can balance popularity with utilitarianism.
If I care less about my well-being, others will have to take care of me. If no one takes care of me, I can feel sick, messy, frustrated, helpless, lonely. There was a period of 10 years of abundance that I didn’t take care of myself and that was enough!
If I am not aware of to where I’m heading, I will just follow wherever my peer head to. Good peer improves integrity. What about if I’m not aware of what kind of peer I’m associated to. With bad companions, I might excessively drink, abusively drug, irresponsibly sex around can be up to extreme of commit crimes.
If I’m not aware of what I’m doing, I might hurt myself or even at the same time hurt others. Hurting is undoubtedly. Hurting doesn’t always come through bad intension, it can come through priority. So when I’m aware of a priority and I unintentionally hurt others, it is almost forgivable. It is truly forgivable when I’m doing it right or possibly with a style.
If I’m aware of the configuration of individuals around me, it will be more convenient to map out how I do what I want to do to, for and with whom. Priority, target and impact become triangulation to be balanced of. Human interaction is important, yet I don’t want to give up my dignity just to get along with random people only for fame or temporary pleasure. I’m not that young anymore, I don’t mind being fun but responsibly and crazy but gracefully. 💃🏽
And if I’m aware of what’s beyond all these, I would not fall too low because of despair or fly too high because of pride. There is always a perceived limit as consequence of awareness about this ultimate power; playing water gets wet, playing fire get burnt, my freedom is limited by other individuals’ boundary that I have to respect. This is where many people think I’m totally lost when I’m lost; they think I lose control and/or give up humbleness. Nope! In fact I’m always aware that there is a limit that I can’t even accurately prescribe and perceive in life. I can only plan, not decide the outcome. In this section I have 100% yes, just sometimes feel jealous why this power never gives me full control.
So am I lost? Let people think the way they do. I just have to be alert when ALL or MOST of those questions have lower yes answer because that’s when I’m not sufficiently developed as a human being, I’m not enough self-well-defined.
When “lost” or more suitably “wandering”, I’ll spend some time to sit down in the middle of crowded mind doing nothing saying nothing just observing what all those birds and monkeys are doing; while breathing counting the time….
I love being me with dreams and wishes that might not all come true because of limit that can suddenly emerge. Yeah! You higher power that always meddles in my affairs. ☺️ Please always side with me. 💝
Ahhhh what is this? A long ranting after getting teased of “lost to be found”.
The sky, Beloved,
Layers of defined arches
Limiting a range—
—-
Have you ever thought about limit?
What is limit? Who/what has limit? Who/what has no limit? Which is the limit? How to set a limit? Questions that have haunted me for almost all my life! I tried to formulate the answers for almost 20 years and yesterday —just yesterday— a convincing answer reached me like a tap on my shoulders. One of the answer is that with this limitation I can do something that the one with no limit can’t. 💝
This hopefully be a breakthrough in my life.
Thank you!
I’ll rant about the mind blowing answers from a young scholar. Not today; someday when I find the most suitable dictions.
Welcome, new week!
Mr Sun’s hiding
Behind curtains of colours.
This brain cheats the eyes.
—
Ah! What is before these eyes isn’t always what is. It doesn’t matter; although it is not what is, it is still what is when it is clear what is not.
Bumpy road of saying no before finally saying yes is a long battle, a long journey to win the best throne of this heart. Know it and accept it.
Salaam. 💝
Disclaimer: Please don’t take it seriously. Putting funny tone when reading it will do some favour to enjoy it.
AF (a fool, or whatever you want): Hello!
G (God, not ghost): Hello! What now, funny bit?
AF: Look at me. I’m capable of cooking. I know how to do laundry. I can clean toilet. I can make the room. I take care of plants. I can put smiles at the most bitter person…. I’m an excellent one! Am I not?
G: And?
AF: What about making me an owner of a good hotel? Or at least a small nice clean affordable Airbnb? I will manage it myself.
G: Briliant!
AF: So it’s a deal?
G: Oh, wait, dear sneaky bit.
AF: What’s that?
G: Do you remember when you had food poisoning? What did the hotel do?
AF: They arranged a doctor and ended up paying for the bill as their food was the cause.
G: Do you remember a friend complained about the bed sheet with some weird thing? What did the hotel do?
AF: They upgraded to higher class with original booking price.
G: Do you remember when your peach pants accidentally got some unexpected colour stain?
AF: They compensated unnecessarily extra.
G: Do you remember….
AF: Stop. You are trying to tell me I’m not capable of doing all those?
G: I’m not saying it. It was more questioning you whether or not you are willing to do all those to strangers. Sometimes the bitterest snobbish strangers.
AF: No.
G: Then? What now?
AF: Alamak…. Why is it always difficult talking to you? Amen.
—
It is sometimes not fun doing the talk but it is always leaving a funny feeling of being thankful and content. Human being!
Thanks for making me a human being though. Hey, God! Are you still there? Sorry, sorry, sorry…. 😘
Alhamdulillah.
Wishing, Beloved,
Upon a star where dreams sit
Waiting to be picked
One by one to the bucket
Before the steps reach the home—
—
Many dreams look so much near. Places to go on earth displayed in Pinterest lengthen the list and be a good escape for mind every weekend before dosing off. Can only wish that the lengthened list lengthens the life, pushing the EOL later and later— 🤗
Some dreams can’t even be described…. You are as near as far away…. 🙃
Happy weekend. Oops long weekend.
Sketches, Beloved
Turning imagination
To the sensible
That won’t last longer than life;
Let go from the very start—
—
Sometimes I asked myself “what will happen to all these sketches when I die?” 🫥 Not easy to answer until I realised what I have done to most of my mistakes: let go.
🤡
Mirror, Beloved.
Look back while looking forward!
Sigh. Blank. Mute. Smile. Shine.
—
Acceptance has gathered laughter, smile, speechlessness, emptiness, anger into a frame with a figure looking into a mirror at the same time seeing what is situated behind.
Beloved, the past is the past but it is what has molded a present person. It should be forgiven, it should not be forgotten.
Thank you, yesterday! Hello, today! Welcome, future!
lovely reservoir — under the clean night sky, with the bestest friend of mine, my own self 💝
rike jokanan 
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