graphs of my Universe
A gift, Beloved,
Wrapped or unwrapped, it will be
Blessings to both sides.
today i met my Tapa Brata room mate, she is a sister in this spiritual and medical journey for me; while she is much younger than me, she is tremendously more advanced in what we both are doing — today she wrapped me a silver jewelry that i right away wore to go dinner with her in PS
thank you for this pretty gift, FO
She's blessed, Beloved
In the name of none but love
By those knowing love.
almost done with the packing — short getaway somewhere connected with 1-week biz trip to KL
i’ve been in good mood
this was the first time i was kissed and hugged by the CFO of a company after a closing meeting — she said she had heard my name from other counterparts in other branches and she liked the way i defended my standpoint; or, probably she was just being a mother who remembered her daughter
thank you, YW; you are blessed
I just wanna be
Soaked and refreshed in your love.
Fun in solitude--
evening swim is nice with splashing sound and unseen shadowy fellow swimmers — soaked and refreshed in solitude is a privilege
Dreamseeds, Beloved,
Land only on a warm heart
That does what it says.
if i were a fairy, i would fly with the dandelion to plant seeds of dream so all good heart can sing only guileless love songs
I will keep this fire spark within and share it with my loved one — only when love reciprocally matters.
I love you, my morning.
💕
🔥
Thank you, my morning
For giving my passion back
After short suicide.
the lagoon pool this morning, its splashing sound competing with the traffic picking up was the background when i called my mother after my morning walk
my mother is sometimes too worried about me then she says “you’re too active”; she’s not exactly right — yes i swim every 2 days, walk 5km every 2 days and bike now and then but i see others run, hike the mountains, box (some of my Filipino colleagues do), etc
so i told my mother just now that i will keep being active if this is what she calls active as this is what makes me greet my morning with positive vibes everyday
i don’t want to waste my time by doing what those in despair do
and she always tells me “don’t forget the routine fasting but eat more” — what?! mother…. a woman that annoys you but you can’t stop loving her
terima kasih, my morning & ibuku sayang
I've learnt reasoning since
Forever.
I gain what and what
Through stingy allowance
To let things happen in life
Except
One,
You.
I generously gain
You.
Beloved,
Can you please sometimes tell me why I should not love?
Should I love king only? Or should I not for he is too high?
Or should I love beggar? Or should I not as he is too low?
Or should I learn now that
There must be reasons to
Love?
Life is sometimes showing me
Love
Then taking it back cruelly
With little to no chance.
i beg your guidance, always
💕
When I found you,
It was a spellbound day.
The feel of being bewitched,
Charmed, tormented and blessed at the time brought me a big question.
What is this?
A dream?
A mirage?
An illusion?
Another test?
There will be a day
To judge if
You materialise or
You fade away.
If there is a mystery, it is
You.
You appear in the door of my heart
As a surprise.
Is that really you?
Or a ghost assigned to test?
If it is truly you, be you.
If it is a ghost, be gone.
Although everyday
I want to say to
You anything I want to say
But say not as I bet
You know how I feel,
You know what I wish,
You know whom I miss,
You know and
You know.
One day heaven knows which day
I will say to
You anything I want to say
Everyday although
You know how I feel,
You know what I wish,
You know whom I miss,
You know and
You know.
That I miss
You is out of question.
Yet does it matter if
You have one closest place within me
Where I can whisper to
You about stories of my daily hope,
About plans beyond my here now?
Only to
You--
I don't have to shout to the world about how much I wish to be with
You because
They don't need to know.
I don't have to show to the audience about how much I wish to hear from
You because
This softest prayer is one of the most clangorous wishes.
They say loving intensely is a waste.
No.
Loving you intensely is simply
Throwing you a sweet smile,
Holding your hand,
Walking with you,
Sitting in silence next to you,
Staring the same scenery,
Breathing the same air,
Humming a tune that some day heaven knows which day
Only love does matter.
Rain, don't go away.
There's a clay land to spray, then
I'll welcome what may.
i love rainy season as much as i love autumn as they feel like falling in love everyday; i love other seasons as they feel like dreaming of an upcoming love everyday
💕
I'm a soul of thousands of years,
Traveling through space and time
To introduce a flow of notes
Performing a play
Full of poems.
Someday the story will be
Composed in prose.
Do you care to read,
Beloved?
Weather, Beloved
Changes with the wind and sun.
Different from my heart:
Stubbornly dances for you
Even when the rain falls hard.
rain stopped when i reached home (with my keys) but the cold was wrapping my wet body — after some light shower, i decided to cook my favourite oxtail soup (lucky i boiled the oxtail this morning – i am blessed with every luck)
who said blessings don’t come when someone is under the weather? the weather waves white towel to this person just because of a bowl of oxtail soup, a bowl of pomelo and plums and a bowl of yoghurt
trust the gut and even bad weather will turn to a sweet evening
How can I be loved? Asked I.
She said:
There's no way out
But in;
To bravely expose
The beauty within
To the beast without,
To sincerely open
The beast within
To the beauty without.
Getting yourself observed,
Criticised,
Appreciated,
Evaluated,
Complimented,
Gossiped,
Praised,
Judged through
Word and look
As sharp as
Guillotine.
Being vulnerable
Is amazingly
Magical--
It gives victory
To an exhausted troop
Right before
They fall into an abyss
Of despair.
Be
Vulnerable,
That's the way to be
Loved.
whatever they say, i prance lightheartedly — my dreams are beyond what they think 💕
You're a book she's read,
Much to digest and absorb.
A witty preface--
i breathe books in everyone i meet; their life stories are all worth telling; some in secret, some in public — no one is unworthy
sometimes i can sense a dazzling story just by reading its preface; sometimes the preface doesn’t represent the helter-skelter conflicts within the book; sometimes a book simply puts me to sleep soundly
😎
Your breath, Beloved,
Reaches me between my breath
And whispers your love.
You touch this heart through ripples
That moves dust from its surface.
clear and true 💕
A tiny feather
Leaves a trace on still water.
Message to the calm--
be true
When love is set free,
It rushes out to fly true
To its home called heart.
be true
Good morning, dear self.
Fly my love across the sea
Where heaven's sitting.
RC Gorman’s work of art – i feel strongly Gorman knew exactly how it feels to be a not-married woman: dressing herself nicely, wearing herself comfortably, greeting environment sweetly, loving her own self dearly like loving her beloved
Happy birthday, myself.
Continue doing what you love.
If not, love what you are doing with commitment, discipline and some gentleness called love.
Know that every single deed be recorded in a ribbon coiling around you, reviewed and rewarded.
Know that however sincere and true you are,
You sometimes will be misunderstood
Even by those closest to you,
And sometimes explanation won't clear the way.
Just be true,
Be kind.
Or, walk out of the room for a while.
Enjoy your double-life: being one in the crowded road and the other in the silent pathway, always
With some sprinkle of love.
You are blessed.
A moment of happiness, you and I sitting on the verandah, apparently two, but one in soul, you and I. (Rumi)
I am 49 today….
….feeling blessed with what I’ve been given. #andnotgiven
….feeling good with by whom I’ve been surrounded. #andnotsurrounding
….feeling lucky that still looking younger than my age (said one selling me a life insurance and said ones selling me bright coloured dresses). #paradoxicallyblessed
When people say “age is just a number”, I’ve always disagreed. Age is counted with number to highlight various processes and stories along a linear line although to me life is never linear, it’s always inward spiral. Originally the phrase “just a number” is to comfort those afraid to age, those who think getting old is scary and less favourable. In fact, getting old is fun and blessed. I’ve never thought that I still can have fun at this age, responsibly do what I love to, go to places in bucket list (no backpacking), dress the way I love to, fall in love every single day with myself and those making me love myself more, look forward to dreams coming true, and a lot more. I am talking about getting old, not being dead– the latter is mysterious and I’m still not committed to be 🤓
What is the essence of getting old to me? Getting old is a journey ahead of total maturation of how a human being chooses to responsibly respond & tactfully react to given situations; and a journey back home to childlike sincerity within of how a human being playfully celebrates failures and successes of life. I refresh maturity each day, at the same time playfulness and candour.
When birthday comes, people like to remind me of me being Virgo, but am I truly a Virgo just because of being born in Sep? I am not sure, in fact Virgo is in both my sun and moon, my rising/ascendant is Aquarius and several other zodiac signs sit in the other houses in the chart. Actually yes I see at times I am a pendulum swinging from being “Virgo’s pragmatic approaches, worrisome nature and rigid ideas” to being “Aquarian’s free-spirit, living life one day at a time, enjoying here-now moment” and in between I am transiting in different zodiac signs in experiencing this precious life. By Chinese astrology I am a Rabbit. By Javanese astrology, oh sooo complicated!
Particular family members, friends & colleagues quote astrology to assure me that they know my personality when commenting about my behaviours.
“It’s because you’re Virgo so you are like this,” said they. “It’s because you’re a Rabbit so you are like that”. “It’s because you’re blahblahblah….”
Well, I respect their willingness to at least understand about me through the pseudoscience called astrology. They don’t judge with bare hands, they present something to my hands. Science or pseudoscience to me though must follow my conscience; their opinion might slip from between the pores of my existence, from between fingers of these hands.
Anyways, to my understanding about this self: I simply accept that this person called Rike is a combination of inherited & evolving DNA, family upbringing & social interaction, life experience & trauma, decided responses & reactions, hopes & dreams; which might happen in awareness or not, well organized or random. If astrology does matter, it is only part of all. Once a human being understands one’s self through one’s own self (in Javanese wisdom it includes but not be limited to “mawas diri” or self examination), astrology knowledge is just frills in a gown.
Please don’t get offended by my personal opinion, take it as a stupid if not humble one.
Whatever strong opinions about or labels given to me –how ugly or how grand– by other human beings won’t change the true me that I experience intimately. I won’t let those labels rob this intimacy. Even all identities I embrace dearly shouldn’t shake this intimacy. Those human beings labelling me and I are raw stones massively tumbled in a giant tumbling machine called life; we each other all hit, break, scratch, polish to finally shine and show the true colours of each of us. How painfully beautiful at the same time beautifully painful life is!
Thank you, Gusti Allah for this beautiful journey called human life.
I know you’ve had boundless repertoire of sweet surprises. Please give me wonderful time like always.
💕
The lights, Beloved
Bring what dark has long hidden,
Disclose where to walk.
the structure in the picture is called The “Monument to Man” located on the hill above Chisholme House standing as an invitation to all of humanity to return to the origin of all love and to express it in the world
it is a tombstone of Bulent Rauf, a sufi master who founded the Beshara School where life is discussed and experienced through discourses and daily experience
i never thought that my inner journey would achieve its major disclosure in that remote place, far away from my home, poles apart from my culture
one friend sent this picture to the whatsapp group: the aurora borealis light on the “Monument to Man” — this brings my memory back to my stay there, a serene at the same time busy days
for 10 days i did a full day of work among the scheduled English morning & afternoon tea, breakfast, lunch and dinner — i celebrated my birthday silently, i kept it secret, and i felt so close to my own self, until now i believe all of us felt the same with what i felt and i wanted everyone to celebrate their serene days without distraction
since then i’ve committed to keep myself true to myself so i can be true to all; but what i do is just a little of it as i am not a saint, i am not either pious or religious, i am a sinner, i am a walking dirt but i want to keep my tiny spark shine within me and so it goes…. a human being in the making
💕
thank you
If I'm asked to plan,
I'll plan colourful events
Where bravery rules.
plunge into ocean of possibilities – be brave, Beloved; you’ve failed and fallen, another plunge won’t kill
execute the plan to once again plunge into it and then…. done
💕
Guide me, Beloved
Traveling in this dark maze.
Keep my trust intact.
our work group is moved from building 1 to building 3 before later finally to building 2
how much ever we love building 1 (we all don’t like working in high floor), we must move as building 1 will only be used for new process bloody heaven knows what
what makes me rather ok with building 3 6th floor is that it has a “garden” that is very helpful for me who don’t enjoy low temperature for too long — today i stayed in the garden for 30′ to warm my body
it has some natural plant, but plastic grass 🙃
today was my 1st day in building 3 6th floor — i was lost going to toilet then guided by janitor, lost to pantry guided by unknown colleague, lost to find the lift guided by another unknown colleague
thank you!
What's best, Beloved?
The one assigned to you now.
It's one and for all.
she is not the best mother compared to others, might not even better, but i think she is the best assigned to me
it’s great to talk to my mother now and then; please live healthy and longer, Ibu 😘
Beloved,
It is about whether or not
The path is walked.
Not about prediction,
Not about opinion,
Not about hurting or getting hurt,
Not about giving up,
Not about result.
This journey is
Mine.
The destination is
You.
The end is
Heaven knows.
Today’s dinner
please don’t judge hungry stomach — today was another reading, cooking and eating plus a bit of napping, laundry was missed and will be done tomorrow night after office 😎
this plate is a work of 3-hour labor of an amateur: potato perkedel (potato hash mixed with minced beef), fried rice with corn in Balinese sambal matah & teri kacang (my 1st attempt soooo challenging, too sweet, almost giving up, next time better with different recipe) – yay❣️
i made chicken soup for my own soul and my friend sent me sourdough from her bakery — alhamdulillah….
RAMBUTAN!!! 😍 exotic tropical fruit
It's confusing.
Tell me how
I should love
You.
Is it to shine
As a sun does?
Is it to glow
As a star does?
Is it to reflect
As a moon does?
Is it to pass by
As a comet does?
I'm none of those.
I am now loving
You as the space does,
It is to contain
Your existence,
Embracing what's all
In and about
You.
Tell me how
I should love
You.
RC Gorman’s work of art
A book, Beloved
Soaks a soul in clean water.
Washed off and refreshed--
I read a book by Haemin Sunim, Love for Imperfect Things. It is second book from him I’ve read, the first was When Things Don’t Go Your Way. While the latter felt like diving into my own understanding of life– a set of confirmation of what I’ve done and/or understood in life; the currently read is like a playful garden to me, giving me more space to reinterpret my life based on Haemin Sunim’s point of view.
I’ve stopped reading “heavy books”, those that make me more intelligent with bunches of upgraded sciences and knowledge, more critical towards others’ (different from me), more analytical around my folks (outside work), more rigid in forgiving those “making mistakes”. I am now trying to dull the knife in my mind, I’d love to have curvy corners that will just give slight sensation without wound when bumping or bumped by my fellow human beings.
💕
Yes, I am now a weak book reader, but I am an avid reader of my own heart and life.
This book reminds me that I should be bonding myself to an anchor called compassion in life so whatever happens to or around me, it is always love and kindness that become my basis of judgement and decision.
thank you, Haemin Sunim — how grateful i am to have read this book
Most books I am now attracted to are fiction, short books, those illustrated, colourful, with picture collection. I read some biography but only of my favourite people (now reading Alan Rickman’s).
Not a fan of “self help” books either as I don’t need to be helped, just need to sit together with a company to listen and to be listened to.
every chapter is as powerful as decades of dripping water that forms a smooth hole on a rock 💕
thanks to my favourite person for recommending this book; i wish to see you soon 💕
Continuing reading Haemin Sunim’s next book–
If I'm to follow,
It's only to follow you.
Do you mind me to?
the sun, sunflower and a weekend
rike jokanan 
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