First breeze each morning Caresses her face. So cool. Ensuring good days--
it’s a result of life-long learning to easily thank you
when someone’s young (or childish), life might feel full of many testing & struggling; yet with honest & robust life management, life becomes a box with lessons learnt about how to deal with discolouration of true personality, how to put good effort to deliver messages, how to accept unexpected results with “oh not that”, how to be clearer & clearer about what life is & about what life should be wisely treated
thank you, Beloved for the life — cool & bright like morning breeze coming in when I open the window
If they walk away, Just walk away. It means no means today. As love is here No matter what, Footsteps won't give no way. I'm content. I'm happy. After the last drip of what's in store is gray, Whether it's coffee Or Japan's May.
why doubtful?
leaving what’s not wanted in a mug after the coffee drip is done is what it should be ☺️
why looking back, dear coffee drinker
the air is welcoming you
go like a galloping horse
go like a slithering snake
go like the last drop of coffee in a mug
you’ve met the way
with or without your coffee machine, my heart is blooming everyday 🥰
Moss, dear Beloved Spreads on the soil to the wall Where air is dampened.
my colleagues and I talked about our favourite plant: moss
I’ve seen moss as fascinated tiny growth since I was very young. I loved scraping moss on the stone, walls, trees and other possible surfaces to later observe the minuscule size of the leaves
other than the structure itself, its colour is fascinating; the dark green when it’s fresh, the light green when it looses moisture, the brown when it’s dried out
one of the gardens in my Korine Jati will be covered with moss, it’s gonna be the small garden in front of my bedroom — a humble small patch that freshens my days, a place for me where a spot is prepared to meditate and pray, a place where thought is thinking about itself, a corner where secret is whispered before silenced
dear, moss
be my best friend who is keeping my deepest hope, love, luck & faith to the
If You disappear from the world, There will be only me. What would I do? I'll create You. I did create You with so much love For myself as if it's from You.
If I have to lose anything, I'll let it be You. Not because I don't have enough love for you. It's simply because I can always create You.
This heart is the earth Who will bury stories, gossips, complaints, grievances to the depth The very deep. Layers of soil will dry, Solidify, Carbonize, Fossilize In peace.
Then miners come To liquify what's solidified. Diamond, sapphire, ruby, quartz.... Name more. They're dug up To the surface Beautiful and shiny Like love, hope and protection. Yet some are glaring Like pride, arrogance and domination.
Dear, Heart. Slip in my deepest self And never open the doors. It hurts to be mined.
Love is always precious like diamonds that adorn little life. Yet I’m resting after the diamonds are scattering on the floor, clinking around, rolling, some unfound….
The are some pieces left. The last to be guarded please the last….
Hidden gem, my love Glows in this heart telling tales About hidden love That might never find her nest. The voiceless gets more silent.
Today my friend brought me around Jogja. The most interesting part was of course Pasar Beringharjo (Beringharjo Market) in which whatever souvenirs from Jogja are completely displayed. The most I love about this market is “ibu-ibu gendhong”, the women who sell their service to carry the people’s (both traders and shoppers) stuff from one point to another. My friend works in the NGO that advocate them to get better access to better rights as informal workers. The women (we call them buruh gendhong: female porters) know my friend very well so I always get the chance to say hi to them every time I visit some markets in Jogja & be given directions which best traders I can go to get the best products.
Today they showed me a hidden gem, a small corner where old-aged batik sheets and tradion Javanese kebaya are traded. What a blessed day today was!
How should I have felt except thankful? It was a good bargain– just with less than SGD50 I got a package of pretty apparels that I will wear to attend Christmas party in my cousin’s home.
kebaya, old batik sheet & an obi belt of Sido Asih batik
Thank you!
My cold heart got warm with the shopping spree and meeting the female porters who are the true representative of humble life itself.
God bless you, Ibu-Ibu & Mbah-Mbah Buruh Gendong. 💕
Pages of a book Dog-eared, yellowed And wrinkle Of fingers stroking--
I’m not a religious person yet I love checking holy books, books about local faith around the world and writings about philosophy. To me wisdom scatters everywhere; it might not be the best sources of wisdom but reading them has opened my horizon of thinking and I’ve become an open-minded and free thinker to some extent.
There is one more thing about checking those books is getting personal advice that I can’t get from even the closest people around me– not because I don’t trust their love to me but I don’t trust their level of bias in analysing my situation. They are not open enough to accept me who is very open in thinking yet very morally guarding to my own self (two paradoxes my closest people still can’t understand up to now). That’s why I “consult” the Quran, the holy book aside from Bible that I’ve been familiar with since I was young (my father was a Christian).
Today I felt the need of consulting the Quran; I prayed, recited Alfatihah the opening suuraah of the Quran, greeted those I respect in life, took a short silence and randomly opened the book.
Here is the answer from the Quran.
QS Annuur #38
That Allah may reward them [according to] the best of what they did and increase them from His bounty. And Allah gives provision to whom He wills without account.
My heart stopped doubting. Is it because of the Quran? Is it because of to whom I prayed? Is it because of my trust? Maybe one of them. Maybe all of them. And I don’t want other possibilities because I won’t let myself doubt what’s been confirmed.
Thank you, dear Quran for being my closest friend, a book that opens all the doors of light. I might not be religious but you’re always the #1 consultant I’ve turned to for the past 33 years and probably will be for the rest of my life.
She's a hummingbird Flying her colours and voice. Garden of Eden--
If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?
The answer: humming❣️
Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁
Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.
Saturday is never boring with humming.
my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes
no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter
I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family
thank you❣️
time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me 💕
What is balance? When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping, When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again, When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without, When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is Knowing that I can wish whatever I want Knowing that the net is always You.
Beloved, I don't have clear words To decribe myself Yet words insist to come out, Sliding down from a lane connecting heaven and earth--
Dragon A mythical being Depicted in a lot of traditions all over the globe That soars, roams, fights with a muse who lives in a realm Called a self.
A self who is one of nine Whichever one inspiring any her To rule her own world With love and compassion, Nothing more Nothing less.
She bears the emblem of dragons, Plays fun with them, Talks and plans, Dreams and fantasizes, Works the hardship, Keeps secret & evaporate it, Learns and teaches, Fights and flies, Stays and calms, Grows old and stays young-- All with dragons.
Perhaps no one knows But she knows That the dragons might not be someone else, Just a being she thinks something else, Yet in fact none in her life Is separated--
Dear, Dragons Be Beloved or Lover for her Whichever is tasked to You.
born with a dragon waking up at the same time
fun time with dragon most of the time
sending good messages to the universe with the dragon
sharing most secrets to dragon
welcoming sunset with dragon
struggling in battles with dragon
learning precious lessons with dragon
receiving deciphered enigmas from dragon
never growing old before dragon
physically growing old with dragon
taming dragon is her soul
a muse who rekindles dragon in her soul over and over again
No one, Ibu But You Who loves me without questioning, Trusts me without doubting, Gives all to me without expecting, Lets go off your belonging for me without counting, Does all for me without calculating. Is it because you are a perfect human being? But no! It's because you see your perfection in me and See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you. You're too perfect to be copied: Your patience: Being abandoned, Left, Betrayed, Cheated, Lied to, Hated, Marginalised, And so much more. Your gift: Being generous, Kind, Soft, Lovely, Caring, Acceptant, Lovable, Humane, And so much more.
Dear, Ibu. I want to talk about you All the time now Because I can't talk to you Anymore.
Yes I can But without your voice Kicking softly on my eardrums Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you: I am letting you go wholeheartedly, I will take care of your legacy, I will love those whom you love, too.
Terima kasih ya Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu, Bagian jiwamu, Bagian hidupmu. Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada. Aku kadang sebel Tapi sering tidak sebel, Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja. Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu. Sedihmu, Bahagiamu, Sakitmu, Sehatmu, Janjimu, Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
Ibu, Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life. One day I said to you, "Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?" You said, "Amen. Pray. All is good." Then I said to you again, "Do you love me?" You said, "All mothers love the children." I said again, "But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?" You smiled saying, "You are stronger. Much stronger."
Headache, Beloved Tiara with her gemstones Glowing dignity--
I’d had headache for these past 3 days and no better even with the super meds called Paramex 🙂 I took one-day medical leave to meet the doc then on Friday I worked from home to gain more comfort while working.
I kept complaining until just now realizing that this was that I felt before; it was when I had a growth inside my brain untreated. The headache was significantly reduced (up to 99% by my gross calculation: from everyday to once in several months like this time).
How I thank God that this headache has tried reminding me that this time I feel so much better than before, the years of constant headache every single day.
Ah! Thank you!
Thank you for the realization that life shall have sickness to know that health is a true blessing. Then both sickness & health are blessings indeed.
Thank you!
if my headaches in those years to be exchanged with a head piece, I want a tiara with diamond & emerald – elegantly pressing the head for beauty & dignity
One, two, Beloved, Numbers to start a journey To the zero point.
With ageing I am able to feel the surge of high energy I experienced before. With broken heart I’m so thankful that I’ve got love in this heart. With thirst I appreciate how freshness of water cures me. With the stuck in the head I become more and more familiar that flowing is the only way to love. With scarcity I can grow sense of gratitude with even just a little hope in life.
It’s you. Yes, it’s you. None other but you that makes me. None other but you that puts meaning on the word me. None other but you that moves all this life within me.
How can I be feeling so detached….
If you are the one attaching in all my senses?
If you are the one behaving with this corpse?
If you are the one drawing a circle for me to circumambulate until the two dots meet?
I value friendship, as it is the best I can gift to those I love. Yet some of mine didn’t work well. Just recently one friend sent messages to someone to tell me that she no longer wanted to befriend with me. Her messages were big anger described through words that to me sounded like unreasonable accusations: that I only needed her in need, that she didn’t trust my intension of not inviting her to the hotel where I stayed, that I was not her true friend, that she would not contact me anymore, and so on.
I was upset and said to the “messenger”: Thanks for reading me her messages, please don’t forward the written messages to me, please help delete.”
I got hurt with the hurting accusations. I began to calculate what and how much I had done for her versus what she had done for me. 15-year friendship ended with a message without clarification…. What a tragic comedy!
I got hurt. A short drama started to mount within me….
Until….
Today I met someone who happened to be her friend and mine, who informed me that her mother just passed away after the Idul Fitri. Innalillaahi wa innaa ilaihi rajiun.
And that’s when I knew why she became so sensitive.
She never informed me that her mother passed away. it’s probably her fault.
One time in Ramadhan she sent one message of asking for a call but I was in a massive headache so I didn’t even reply to anyone’s messages including hers. So maybe I also missed some updates from her. It’s probably my faults.
I don’t know; I don’t want to prolong the drama.
I sent her a condolence message. I don’t hope anything but her acceptance of what is.
I’m telling myself that I’m good and play the Ho’oponopono repeatedly to let go off what’s not.
I’m sorry, my own self for being negative. Please forgive me. I thank you. I love you.
Beshara is a name for the perspective that there is only one unlimited existence, expressing itself infinitely as a gift of love. The potential to realise this truth lies within every human heart. The awakening and realisation of this potential is the aim of this education.
The word Beshara is originally Aramaic, its meaning can be rendered as “good news” or “omen of joy”. It indicates the very positive and valuable effect that any movement towards a more inclusive and harmonious perspective represents.
(https://beshara.org/)
A Brief History of Beshara
In the UK , and the west in general, the 1960’s were a time of great questioning of the established order. Many people began to realise that there was more to life and another way to be than simply continuing in the ways of previous generations. For some this was youthful rebelliousness, others were directly inspired to seek a wider vision based on love and beauty. Most were young, and some were old. What emerged as Beshara was intrinsic to this cultural shift, and over time the Beshara School was established in order to promote the principle of the unity of existence and its cultural implications to all who might benefit.
Instrumental in this process was Bulent Rauf. Born in Istanbul in 1911, Bulent had received a traditional Ottoman education at home, and gone on to receive the best of Western education at Cornell and Yale in the US. His interest in ‘esoteric’ or inner education came from his family on both sides being steeped in the culture of the unity of all existence as propounded by the great mystics of the Middle East, especially Ibn Arabi and Rumi. Arriving in England in the mid 1960’s, Bulent recognised the need for ideas and insights that had been the sole preserve of a few mystics and spiritual masters to become part of an education available to all.
There were others groups meeting in London at this time, including those following Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan (of the Sufi Order in the West) as well as Christian healing groups. Large weekend gatherings were also held under the auspices of Sir George Trevelyan at Attingham Park in Shropshire. It was a time when diverse groups came together and in 1971 a centre was set up at Swyre Farm in Gloucestershire, headed initially by Reshad Feild who had met Bulent Rauf a couple years earlier and was also a representative of Pir Vilayat. A trust with a board of trustees was set up and was initially chaired by Peter Dewey, a trainee priest. The name Beshara appeared after consultations with Bulent Rauf and the trust became the Beshara Trust. Bulent recognised that knowledge would focus the expansiveness of love that would otherwise dissipate as times changed and introduced the study of Ibn ‘Arabi to complement that of Rumi and others. The curriculum of the school had begun to form.
People from all over the world, including many from the USA, gravitated to Swyre Farm and began to receive an education in the unity of existence. After a couple of years it was felt that there was a need for more concentrated study in order for the principles of unity to become firmly established. Consequently a ruined house was discovered abandoned in the Scottish Borders. This was partly renovated and the Beshara School of Intensive Esoteric Education was established at Chisholme House in the Scottish Borders in 1975. Since that time, hundreds of students have come from all over the world to spend time at Chisholme, as students or working as volunteers.
In 1976 a greater number of applicants for courses than Chisholme could accommodate meant that it was necessary to move to a larger place . Sherborne House in Gloucestershire, close to Swyre Farm and the previous home of courses run by J.G. Bennett, was ideal for this purpose. The Trust had enjoyed a close relationship with J.G. Bennett who, had given a series of talks to students at Swyre Farm from 1972 to 1974, which appeared as Intimations by Beshara Publications.
One of J.G. Bennett’s students, Diane Cilento, who is more famous for being an Academy Award nominated actress, established links with Beshara and went on to found a Beshara School in Queensland, Australia. Many Australians attended courses there, and came over to Chisholme for further studies in the 1970s and 80s.
It was during the first course at Sherborne that Grenville Collins and Bulent Rauf saw the need for an academic society to encourage wider translation and dissemination of Ibn ‘Arabi’s ideas. A notice was posted recruiting members, a committee formed and the The Muhyiddin Ibn ‘Arabi Society was born.
At the same time a further ‘second’ course was developed that would focus on conversation, self responsibility and a deeper development of spiritual ‘taste’ that is intrinsic to inner education. The first such course was held at Chisholme House in 1978, after an extensive period of renovation, and for many years two six month courses ran in parallel.
Swyre Farm was sold in 1978, due to financial pressures, and the Beshara Trust concentrated its activities in the converted stables at Sherborne for many years and later at Frilford Grange in Oxfordshire, where it operated from 1988 until 1990. This was a time when eminent scientists and educationalists came to lecture regularly, and the Beshara Magazine flourished. Following the sale of Frilford and the closure of the Beshara Magazine, due to financial pressures (again!) , the focus of the Beshara School was at The Chisholme Institute, though courses also continued to be held in Australia, the United States and Israel as well as new courses in Indonesia
After Bulent Rauf died in 1987, Peter Young took over as principal of the Beshara School at Chisholme and continued to run courses for nearly 30 years before retiring in 2015. During this time the house and grounds were renovated and further courses developed.
Today, a number of independent groups and charitable organizations set up by long-term students of the Beshara School continue to offer courses and study groups in many locations worldwide.
The Beshara Trust runs courses and talks in the UK including the annual Beshara Lecture, which was started in 2011. The Trust hosts this website and encourages all affiliate organisations that choose to come under the name Beshara – which means ‘Good News’.
The world keeps spinning. The body ages with time. Trip in alignment--
Don’t be afraid of becoming old. Aging is truly a blessing.
With the gray hair I feel wisdom befriends with me. Still I have freedom to dye it to look radiant.
With the wrinkle on the skin I find kindness and understanding unfolds. Yet it is not wrong to put skincare to look healthy and fresh.
With weaker eyes I find my mind is sharper evaluating my self and environment. I can still wear reading spectacles to keep reading to refresh brain.
With less hydrated joints and less dense bones I move more slowly cum gracefully. There is no harm though to do sports regularly.
With fewer friends I still get good updates accurately about how the world spins and enjoy true relationship with little to no condition.
Eventually aging is about knowing that soul will release the physical body when they body is ultimately deteriorated, when time is up. I just need to ensure that this body knows she is never alone or lonely in the separation process.
About a year, Love Where you're present and again Giving me all joy-
2024 was such a year! Thanks much for the one year teaching me again to warmly love sincerely with little to no condition: unclear hints that broke my heart. Life is not always about glory; it’s also losing to win lessons.
2024 was about sudden trips & data as professional breakfast & lunch. I see how fast I process biased opinions & immediately detour to the right path! Such a training by & for brain muscles!
2025 is about continuing my spiritual journey with the same foundation: singularity, uniqueness & humanity;
also about doing my life work with dedication & expertise;
sweet friendship with those that respect and love each other as best friend;
about enjoying long weekends in Korine Jati soon & enjoying longer holiday somewhere else;
about keeping sharing the blessings with those around me verbally, materially, intelectually & spiritually in moderation;
& knowing & loving myself again, again, again….
…. all genuinely & with light heart.
Welcome, 2025. I already feel your sweetness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2025
dear, monkey mind
i don’t regret but it was the most painful moment in 2024 and thankfully i was helped by my life work
i love my messy hair that gets happy with breeze caressing it and my eyes that tell even when my mouth shuts
2024, thank you for bringing Banksy’s works of art to Scotts Road
my love to you is as much as the space among drizzles washing off my sadness
my love to you is as much as the pouring rain among the space giving me pure breeze
this weekend has welcomed me with sprinkling blessings like the rain in a desert
each day is a new day when sky opens wider horizon and shows me what i didn't see
do you feel the same? the space among the rain the pouring rain the desert that celebrates a horizon that keeps widening--
i love you.
thank you for making me smile a lot
💙
in life i learn to accept that love is sometimes not enough; it takes strategy to make things happen and i don’t want to strategize in love
i don’t want to force because i believe life has given me so much so if i don’t get what i want, it doesn’t mean a loss
that i have the ability to love as sincerely as possible is a huge blessing; that i don’t show it openly, it is to ensure everyone’s safety, dignity and comfort
Sep 2019 was a big milestone in my life. I joined a daily-life-experience-based workshop called “Self Discovery” in Hawick, Edinburgh. I still felt mild headache and minor discomfort everyday as I tried to cut off my pain killer intake but the different daily life totally poles apart from my tropical life gave me unusual strength to complete the workshop.
Chisholme House from the hill
I met other students and many others (facilitators, care takers and guests) who shared spiritual journey experience. I heard a lot of stories from them; life experiences that instead of breaking the people, the experiences rebuilt them to be human beings with holistic perspective about life. Some of them experienced much worse situation than most; imagine someone who was physically abused as a child then suffered from deadly disease and left by her spouse with weak reason; someone physically abused by her spouse while being a financial supporter, someone suffering from huge bankrupcy and left by family, losing marriage and all family members, etc….
My situation (both physical discomfort and silent mental breakdown) compared to theirs seemed to be a tennis ball compared to basketball or even this globe. Just because of getting no menses and the growth in the brain and I’d played so big a drama as if I’d lost my life…. Come on, human!
the hill from Chisholme House
They indirectly helped me wake up from long hibernation. I silently thanked them in daily prayers among daily household chores: cleaning the house and yard, ironing linens, cooking the meals, making the dining table, washing the dishes, harvesting potatos, walking up and down the hill almost everyday to pray in the monument (this one was not mandatory, my own fave), cleaning the toilets, morning meditation, daily discussion (intense yet enlightening), weekly dzikr with the rest of participants (students, facilitators, care takers, guests), and so on and so forth. Life is about doing things even when it is simply making a flower arrangement for the dining table.
Maddy in the dining room where we all exchanged joy among other activities — dear God, i’d like to be there at least once again
Going back home, I was still the same person just with clearer perspective about life and with fondness to do household chores (this was truly good foundation to face the pandemic). Life is about experiencing what is by firmly embracing genuine intension, about accepting what is but never giving up good hopes and dreams, about sharing what’s granted without letting myself become broke, about becoming a human being.
I went home with a liberated mind. I promised to love myself fully by embracing that whether I had my menses or not, I was still a woman. I pledged in silence that I would take care of my body, mind and spirit better. The soul? Soul is soul, pure and healthy but probably blurr in dim — once the body, mind and spirit get healthy and balanced, the soul gets brighter and clearer.
Oct 18, 2019 was an important day: 1st day of giving up my hijab, the fashion I’d worn since I was 17– a small move that hugely changed details of my life. I gave it up with genuine intention and sufficient knowledge after my final contemplation during my workshop in the UK. I wanted to give up something that made me think that I was a fake because of doing it halfheartedly. I made it clear that although I didn’t wear hijab, I still could be a good human being.
I gained confidence and compliment from those respecting my decision but I also lost trust and connection from those considering me lost in the dark. I got one most hitting statement from someone saying “No worry, you are lost, Allah will guide you back.” But I also received compliments about clarity, bravery and honesty. So be it, both don’t bother me.
😊❣️
Walking home that day I felt very uncomfortable with my body, something I never had before. But I just accepted whatever it was. Reaching home, I found out of getting my menses — the first after 10 years!
So much hustle as I was not ready with whatever was needed for this supposed-to-be-regular-but-gone-for-10-years thing.
I got my menses! Until today some of friends still mocked me “You remember when you got your 1st menses at 44? Like a euphoric! While others probably would say damn I’ve got menses again so annoying!”
Until today I will say thank you everytime the menstruation comes although I have to feel 1 day or two of discomfort. It is a blessing that I missed before, it is a blessing that I thank every month and forever.
The endocrinologist decreased the medication dosage. He just said that there would be the next MRI to check the size of the growth. I am still taking the medicine but only 1.5 dosage per week, much lesser than before. My prolactin is still within 400-500, checked every 3 months with other kinds of blood test included to see my overall condition. Alhamdulillah….
I don’t deny the excitement and gratefulness of getting my menses back. This proof that the previous diagnose was wrong has rejoiced me. However, I don’t want to glorify it; someday I will get menopause (once again) sooner or later 😁.
with all that i’ve gone through, how can i deny this?
The most important thing is that my brain tumor has shrunk significantly. No daily headache. No daily discomfort. No uncertain anxiety. No vague expectation anymore.
I accept me. I accept my life.
2019 is a year when this human being stood up again in humble stance on life and clear sight about hers. The 10-year bitterness has turned to be a sweet memory.
rike jokanan 
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