Category: love

Rhombusly Flying Kite (ranting)

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Five dots of a shape
Balance the soar, fly and land.
A flying rhombus--

I listened to a rebroadcast of #DVETSiaranPagi last evening and thought the discussion points are relevant with what I’ve seen around me: the love bombing, ghosting then missing, not true to self, etc. Thanks for discussing it! I’d like to reflect about myself on those. 💕

about (my falling in) love

Through time love in human being is still the same, a sprectrum of certain emotion quality expression that expands to different extremes, either one or the other extreme or both extremes in order to serve one’s own life and others’. One extreme is the lust-loaded love that imprisons and the other is compassion-loaded love that saves the world and true love as a balanced combination of both that liberates. (my personal opinion based on what I’ve learnt, unlearnt, relearnt — can be inaccurate and impermanent)

Expansion of service and love expression can be within or without the person depending on how the human being experiences life and responds to it. Some human beings build a unit of society (family, organization, community, village, etc) to feel the expansion of service, others don’t. Some can be expressive in love, some just hide emotion deep down. No right or wrong, it is a process of balancing horizontally and vertically –like flying a kite– that might be successful in here now or not.

In my age (late 40’s) if I am found out of falling in love (romantically) in my country, I can be cursed as “wanita gatal” (itchy woman) even if I don’t do any harm to others with my love. In fact what happens is simply an expansion of love — from loving myself to loving myself and another person. Lucky I live in a country where people don’t care about what’s not harming them. Thank you!

Romantic love very seldom perches on my emotion tree yet once it comes, it will not be something I will stop. I will just wisely manage the emotion as I never want to disturb the person I love especially when seeing there is no reciprocity and/or compatibility between us, hoping that this emotion fades away slowly gradually with as little harm as possible. Broken hearted is not nice. 🙃

I will show him from certain distance how I feel about him but I will make sure it won’t make him feel threatened. Yet who can control his reaction or response? This is where I am different from my passive friends on romance.

about love bombing

It is a new terminology for me yet I know very well that I experienced it in my relationship (the only one I had, ended in 2010): given all attention and gifts, promised with sugar-coated lies, got ghosted then left in despair. Oh, never again….

about love expression

I love poems and I love my Beloved, the only One most understanding me, the only One never leaving me in any situation and the One putting much love and compassion in my heart.

My mental body feels like a rhombus kite with 5 dots: the dot on top is my soul, the dots at the right and left are my thinking function and my feeling function, the dot at the bottom is my desire towards physical pleasure whatever it is (food, drink, jewelry, sex drive, etc) and the dot in the middle is my heart which is the balancing gravity of the 4 dots at the 4 points of rhombus (qolbu in Arabic). Only when all those 5 dots are interacting in balance then this rhombus kite can fly, soaring perfectly, riding the wind; that is when a human being is in a state of mindfullness or meditative. Rhombusly flying kite❣️

With my poem I will express all the love from those 5 dots. Sometimes I talk from the dot at the top. Sometimes from the dot at the bottom. Sometimes from 2 dots, 3 dots, 4 dots; and when I am aware of the true self, my poems are the love expression of my 5 dots.

People might think it is an exaggeration of love expression; many of my friends reading my poems said “kamu kasmaran nggak henti-henti ya, Rike?” translated into “are you constantly madly in love, Rike?” and that was why I hide the comment section so no one will have a chance to spit bad words about my love poems. Only some who know my journey will really understand. It doesn’t matter.

I saw love bombing although not as often; am I? I am showering my life and life surrounding me with love and compassion; and I am grateful for that. That some of the expression is aiming at someone (who eventually can feel it), I’m thankful and saying “You are safe, I am not love bombing you, this is a tiny love that I can offer.”

Without mentioning my crush name, I discussed my feeling with my best friend who unsurprisingly didn’t judge me yet she said “I restrict myself from loving a man, I don’t want to think about romance, I just want to retire happily” 😂 I didn’t continue the discussion as I never want to shake her feeling of security of being single.

Will I continue my love expression? With no doubt: yes, it is about being true to myself until time decides otherwise. If I don’t look true to others, so be it.

I won’t waste my time hating or worrying about being hated. I don’t either believe with “too much love will kill you”; it is too much lust that kills you.

My love flows like a river, (over)flows to the sea to unite with

You. Insya Allah.

about true to self

I express love more smoothly but when it comes to job, I don’t openly talk about it in social media or public because it contains NDA. Job to me is a dedication in life, in which I feel that my life is meaningful for and well utilised by the human beings in my walk of life. My job is about being true to my own self and true to the contract that I’ve signed. 💕

Dear Love,

I rest my case for now. I have to work.

Salaam.

Forgiveness

Learning, love, Poetic

Forgive me, dear love
For taking so long a time
To forgive you. You?

watching this video, i remember my mother said that it took so much forgiving and compromising between her and her husband

when i asked what biggest forgiveness each of them had given to each other, she said “many, i can’t summarise”

but she reminded me of one ridiculous thing happening to her hair

there was a traumatic incident between our parents that we will never forget; my mother doesn’t mind anymore sharing it with many — she said it was stupid act by both of them and others should not experience the same thing

once my father could not well control his anger and did something beyond imagination in front of his children; he shaved my mother’s hair bald just because of jealousy; for the next several months my mother had to wear wig to work and social functions until her hair grew back up to certain length — she said if she could explain more elaborately and he would listen more patiently, it would not have happened

when we all got older, we liked jokingly mentioning that incident to our parents, Bapak would smirk and explain that it was a misunderstanding; Ibu would only say “love is blind and sometimes idiot” then both of them laughed 😝

now she would always advise us to know when we are angry and take some minutes to breathe before taking unnecessary action

she told me that my father could tolerate things except when it came to men; he could be irresponsibly and unreasonably jealous to men talking in friendly manner with my mother

i asked again who apologised more and who forgave more?

she said it was always easy to forgive him as he would do his very best to fix issues but she also said that she would make it difficult for him to apologise – alamak

when i asked her why she did so, she said that she wanted to always win 😂

today i called my mother and asked what she feels when she remembers that handsome kind man, she said “I should have been kinder and made it easier….”

so sweet!

“….but he should have said the same thing about me”

eh?

[only in Bahasa Indonesia]

Learning, life, love, This Person, Those People

Found a dearest good friend wrote a touching message in Instagram this evening and would love to keep it here — only in Bahasa Indonesia though

My translation into English might never be good enough to contain how compassionate her message is. You might want to translate with Google.

Note: it is a verbatim text

❣️

bertahun lalu, ketika berkesempatan mengunjungi ka’bah, aku duduk menatapnya lalu berucap: “tuhan, tunjukkan aku cara membaca (iqra) alquran. karean aku tidak percaya tuhan mana pengasih maha penyayang se-strict itu.” aku mengacu ke penekanan pada dosa dan neraka yang kerap diangkat.

sejak itu—atau sebenarnya jauh sebelumnya, aku percaya tuhan terus menjawab permintaanku: hidupku adalah tanggapan tak putus dari tuhan atas permintaan itu. dia menunjukkan betapa dia maha pengasih, maha penyayang dan nama-nama lain yang terlingkupi oleh rahman dan rahim.

aku dipertemukan dengan manusia dan makhluk lain (kucing misalnya) yang menunjukkan ragam bentuk kasih sayang, diperjalankan melalui peristiwa-peristiwa yang membantu melembutkan hati—atau menunjukkan di bagian mana hatïku masih perlu dilembutkan; dan dititipkan pada sekolah-sekolah yang secara gamblang membimbingku untuk lebih berwelas asih, berserah, dan merayakan hidup dan keagungannya.

manusia sejatinya bisa berjalan sesuai fatwa hatinya; bisa tergerakkan oleh arahan jiwa (spirit)-nya; bisa hidup dengan lebih jujur minimal kepada diri sendiri. utopis? atau bisa jadi pemikiran bahwa hal ini utopis telah membatasi kita?

banyak yang ingin kuceritakan. bukan untuk mengajarkan, karena siapalah aku ini. namun, lebih ke berbagi. siapa tahu ada yang mengetuk hatimu, lalu kau mengetuk hatiku kembali. Sama-sama kita belajar menjadi manusia.

ingin bercerita, tetapi belum tahu bagaimana. kutaruh tulisan ini di sini sebagai langkah awal. atau, mungkin, kau punya cerita, kegelisahan, pertanyaan, atau ide yang bisa melanjutkkan pembicaraan ini?
terima kasih.

❣️

Thank you, dear friend. You’ve touched my heart many times, I hope I’ve at least once done as good as you.

Thanks for making room for me. Always.

Salaam.

Unfinished Root Cause Analysis of Misunderstanding

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Sometimes her tongue is too sharp
But don't blame her tongue,
It's her eyes too sharp
But don't blame her eyes,
It's her brain too critical
But don't blame her brain,
It's her rationale too weak
But don't blame her rationale,
It's her research insufficient
But don't blame her research,
It's her data too narrow
But don't blame her data,
It's her survey not detailed
But don't blame her survey,
It's her objective not well conveyed
But....

She writes love poems.
Yet they get angry, not knowing that
She just expresses naked truth.

She hopes that she is not exposed
As her poems are limited edition.

RC Gorman’s work of art

Flowing River

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

There's so much here
Wanting to burst
Colours and fragrances
That have been hiding
In a deep cave
For ages.
It is gemstones,
The petrified blood, tears and sweats
Traveling with time and space:
Flowing river
To the turquoise sea
Uniting with
You.

RC Gorman’s work of art

i kno it’s U

A Knight Who Shoots

Learning, love, Poetic

Who's a knight who shoots?
Archer who knows the bull's eye
And bow and arrow--

Satria manah (satrio manah) is a Javanese phrase formed by two words:

1. Satria or satrio that means a knight,

2. Manah that is derived from the word panah (archery in Javanese). Panah (Noun) is changed to manah (Verb)

As name of batik pattern should be incorporated with wisdom, the interpretation can be built with some exaggeration or maybe slightly drammatical structure. And so, satria manah is not simply a knight who shoots anything but it is intrepreted as a knight who shoots accurately at the heart of a lady.

Life of a wise can be as light as shooting a heart; yet as hard as shooting at the right spot so that it won’t hurt the heart; it even will make the lady fall in love harder with the knight.

Is that even possible?

I don’t know. Not a knight, am not a wise knight. A lady, am the lady whose heart should be shot by a wise knight. 😁

Another fun fact this batik is usually worn by the groom-to-be’s parents when they are officially proposing the bride-to-be in front of her family. The groom-to-be may also wear this batik when he is with his parents during the marriage proposal. Unofficially? the man can propose the woman personally before introducing to each other’s family.

What batik should be worn by the bride-to-be in the marriage proposal? It is batik semen rante. What is that? I will talk about it next year when the semen rante is ready to ship to me by Mbak Izzah. ☺️

This batik has given me a light heart and a good laugh after a long day.

Have a good weekend!

the batik that is ready for delivery

close up of batik Satria Manah

Friendship (to Fauzia Fatchan)

Learning, life, love, Poetic, Those People

Friendship
Is one fragment of life
That keeps me alive.
It hits me so warmly
With friends' openness.
It hits me so sadly
With their secret battles.

There is a way and
There is the other way
To meet again
Always one day.

Fauzia Fatchan or Fau or Uud is a great friend of mine. She was one supporting badass in uni time; she was an objective wall between those cheating and those with integrity. Her critical thinking would make those cheating to know their “no worth” and at the same time make those with integrity to humbly stay composed.

She’d been my best discussion buddy in all topics! Politics, social, economy, culture, religion, spirituality, education, poverty, conflict free mineral, business, sex, romance, etc. She would tell me I was misled when I had insufficient data to say my analysis. She would tell me excellent when my opinion outsmarted hers.

She yet would laugh her shits out when I broke my heart romantically.

“You are more valuable than those underestimating you or ignoring you!” That was a voice echoing until now.

She is the one I name a perfect friend!

I haven’t talked with her for the past 4 months as we both had been tremendously busy. She’d been managing her rare earth mine in one of big islands in Indonesia.

She is now battling against a rare disease, leaving no chance for me to hear her voice anymore.

I called her through video call by her brother’s help. I believed she could hear, she didn’t say anything but she moved her mouth everytime I called her name like saying something.

I love you so much, dear best friend.

I love you as an honest friend.

I love you as a proud Indonesian.

I love you as an extraordinary human being.

I love you as you!

Dear, Fauzia Fatchan. Even if I can not meet you again, I am honored to have lived as a human being knowing you.

See you again in eternity, my dear…

❣️

If we both have time, we will meet again, that was what you said in our last conversation.

I am sorry that I told you all my battles while you’d been in the same one, my dear. Please forgive me.

From a broken hearted friend because of your condition….

Rike

Before & After

Learning, life, love, Map It!, Poetic, This Person

Is there anyone
Before
&
After
Me
Leaving
Without permission?

None--

It is a consent that forms
Life,
A period where
You
&
I
Meet at a dot on a ring.

salam, dear shrine where heart and soul escort body to whisper all secrets

Kameyama Shrine

before cleaning – looked like birds loved to bathe and leave some feathers as token of gratitude

after cleaning – no one asked me to clean this, i just felt that i needed to give Japan a small token of gratitude and Kameyama Shrine be the one to receive it

always praying someday I can come back to that shrine. I will tell her that she did give me amazing vibe in my whole visit in Kameyama. Shrines, mosques, temples, churches and other places where human beings whisper their heart and soul out have always been a charm to me.

enso – there’s a dot where two extremes meet and form balance to ensure life flows

Last Train

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

I won't miss the train.
The last. A home is waiting
With a cup of tea.

i saw this scene very often from my room; last midnight was the most impressive when i felt so much love living as me with no one but me ❣️

For You

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
For:
You

Who breathes love in silence,
Who touches heart in secret,
Who smiles in the dark,
Who listens to whispers,
Who reads all scrolls,
Who kisses faraway dreams;
Take these roses,
That dance with the wind,
That spread strange chemicals,
That show off colours,
That boast deadly pricks,
That symbolise love,
That decay over time.

if i were roses, what would life be?

Curtains of Light

Learning, love, Poetic, Those People
You're so brilliant,
Flickering rays dancing bright.
You hide the love behind curtains of light,
Unveiled.

It was my father’s birthday yesterday. He is to be 85 years old physical being this year and is a happy united soul in heaven.

Happy birthday, Bapak. You are loved. You are remembered.

You’ve been a northern lights or southern lights 😁 to us, rare and beautiful — shining in the dark.

aurora borealis….

if time allows….

About aurora

Light upon Light

Learning, love, Poetic
I've opened curtains,
Layers of curtains
Curtains of light;
Lifting layer by layer of the dark,
Distinguishing hues in stacked of spectrums
Then
Here
You are
Converting this believing
To this knowing.
It's been
Light upon light.

—

His light is like a niche in which there is a lamp, the lamp is in a crystal, the crystal is like a shining star, lit from the oil of a blessed olive tree, located neither to the east nor the west, whose oil would almost glow, even without being touched by fire. Light upon light!….

(The Light, 35)

Own n Owe

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

I don't own this body
I don't own this heart
I don't own this soul
I don't own this life

I owe
You.
Yet do
You know that
You owe me, too?
All these limited experiences that imprison
You belong to me.

All in all
I belong to
You.

—

some part of me is a monk, some part is a bitch and that fact makes me perfect of being a human

💕

(picture from Pinterest)

We Are The Champions (Queen)

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
There's a time, my dear
You cherish with sweet breathing.
Winning against self--

—

i used to be very harsh to myself until 2019 when two doctors made me realise that taking care of my body is as important as taking care of my spirit and mental

i started expressing myself more freely and genuinely, less drama, no excuse to stop me from being calm and confident, accepting me the way me is, unlearning old knowledge, learning new knowledge, opening my heart to all possible layers of truth and beauty

now i believe i am one of this world champions seeing how well i coped with my own self until i can feel so comfortable again back to my me

…. now i won’t let those playing around with me for their own fun in to my life as my life is not only a span of fun free time yet it is a span of fun dedicating time

thank you all for being you even with just a brief existence here now in this short journey

💕

I’m Loved

Learning, love, Map It!, Poetic, This Person, Those People
How do you feel loved?
Not so much effort,
It's just a smile,
Or a cuddle from a dog.

I'm loved,
I'm loved
Just because
Life loves,
Love lives
Here
Now.

—

before going back to Singapore, i visited my friend in Lod Tunduh – she has 2 dogs and both love me so much, wherever i sit, both will sneak around like this!

Pretty Beautiful

Learning, love, Poetic, Those People
You're pretty beautiful
Filling me with so much love
Through eyes that are closed.

—

both the dancers and the cute watcher are pretty beautiful –

Coincidence Is Blessing

Learning, life, love, Map It!, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Coincidently waking up
With light breath
And open eyes
In a good morning
That calls for 
Another day.

Some don't know the feel
And it's just a coincidence
For me?
How fair life is!
How unfair life is!

Be blessed, dear.
Be blessed everyday
With the blessings
That come from
Every other way.

—

That coincidence often comes as blessings might have been ingrained in me, even more.

One Coldplay-big-fan friend said to me some time ago “If you have spare ticket for Coldplay in Singapore, please sell it to me.” He really wanted to watch Coldplay in many different places. Seems to him Coldplay has brought in a lot of good meanings into his life. Not denying this possibility, I have to admit the lyrics are powerful for those wanting to look deep in to their own selves.

I said “I will but it is a very thin chance knowing this band has tremendously massive lovers.”

Sorry, friend….

Yet one fine day in January one good friend from Jakarta texted me asking if he can let me buy two Jan 30’s Coldplay show tickets as he was “suddenly” assigned for a biz trip and would not make it to be in Singapore for the show. What a blow! This friend and his wife would have met me before or after the show so I was kind of upset to hear the news. Yet at the same time I remembered that one friend would be super excited to buy the tickets.

What a coincidence!

Long story short the Coldplay-big-fan friend agreed to buy two. He wanted to watch with his friend this time.

Some time after he agreed, he texted me again saying that his friend could not fly in for the show. Honestly I felt it was another coincidence as I was also thinking of going again – I found listening to “Biutyful” live was addictive to me. So, I asked if it was ok for me to buy the other ticket: Coincidently he agreed; he must have really wanted to watch with his special friend yet he welcomed me nicely.

excited in my 3rd watch! more? no, no, it was the last for the “Music of The Spheres World Tour”, now time to enjoy them back in Apple Music 😃

So, this time we watched from above. A very stunning view with all the well-arranged illumination and performance.

Another coincidence. My friend and I didn’t say anything about which tee to wear yet both of us happened to wear the same one: Coldplay 2023 Tokyo special edition design. Wow!

We both went crazy blended with others who were as crazy as us. I don’t know when I will meet him again after the show but I truly thank him for giving me a lesson that someone can love something (in his case a band) that he is capable of explaining almost all fun facts about the band that I didn’t even think exist. Memorizing all songs’ lyrics, knowing albums and EP contents, and so on and so forth! Thank you, KM-san! God bless you. 🙏🏼

I asked him how he could memorise all lyrics. His answer was annoyingly true “If you love something, you will remember.” Damn! I just realized forgetful is my middle name especially when dealing with passwords and where I put small stuff. 😂

Jan 31 was another merry day. My niece watched with her best friend and they stayed overnight in my home after that. Her friend is a journalist who knows how to access “Kampung Badui Kanekes” that I have dreamed of visiting. To my excitement he agreed to escort me to visit the unique ethnic group in Banten anytime I want to go. ♥️

Should I underestimate a coincidence? Or, actually there is no that that we call coincidence. It is just a lesson that we never clearly see and (hopefully) later will be well learnt.

Thank You!!!!

among all this is my favourite photo – Angel Moon❣️ BIUTYFUL!!!

favourite of mine ♥️

Mine The Life

Learning, love, Poetic
Those who never get drunk
Of love
Will misunderstand it.

Lust and love
Are coal and diamond.
One is clear around a lady's finger.
One is dark in a lady's fireplace.

Which of which, Beloved
Is precious?
Either
In different dimensions.

—

Hard or Light

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
To remember you is hard
With only shadow in my eyes.
To touch you is hard
With dimensions between us.
To see you is hard
With you unwilling to show up.
To hear you is hard
With your vague heads-up.
Yet to love you is light
As light as light brightening my heart.

—

someone is lucky to be capable of loving even that whose heart is a frozen clover 🍀

The Music Is

Learning, love, Poetic
Once I saw a name
On one of my 100 days
Then a cloud flew
Over the same night
Sweeping away a story
Leaving an end
Hanging silently
With no word
Just my throbbing heart
Counting how long spaces were.
Then I asked you
"Did I really see
You?"

—

Life Given

Learning, love, Poetic
Life is given
Each day
To those
Falling in love.

How can I not breathe
You?

—

the flowers give life to the statue

Atsushi Taniguchi is a florist whose flower arrangements define that that i call falling in love — colourful yet not busy, packed yet not congested, priceless yet not expensive, easy yet not cheap, meticulous yet not complicated

💕

Ultimate Commitment

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
I can only love me
As me is the closest
One
To
You.

——

hello, bitter reality — I will take care of you as I commit to myself 🙏🏼💕

how much hurting the sarcasm, euphemism and talking numbers people intentionally sent to me, it will just hurt themselves 🙏🏼💕

I won’t send blessings anymore as blessings are free for them to earn by themselves 🙏🏼💕

Released

Learning, love, Poetic
It hurts when released.
In heart.
It hurts when kept.
In all.
And so I released.
All.

——-

I sent blessings and prayers to those passing away not known by their family — whoever and wherever you are all, I am one of those remember you as a family member 💕 May all beings be happy

I believe they are released from any unhappiness

🙏🏼

Falling in Love

Learning, love, Poetic
If not because of 
Love,
This soul won’t soar,
This heart won’t throb,
This head won’t radiate,
These palms won’t trust sensations.

If because of
Love all are alive,
And so
I fall in
Love
Every single
Day

With
You.

The same
You
Over and over
Again.

——

falling in love is everyday whole year like butternut squash 💕

picture: RC Gorman’s work of art

Pearls on The Cheeks

Learning, love, Poetic
Pearls sliding down
The slope of this face
End in a clear lake
Reflecting a tiny shadow
Of my singing heart

About this journey
About the weak
About the unprotected
About the underprivileged
About those
Who are turned to a line of batteries
To charge a machine
Called
Greed.

Wet my cheeks,
Flood my heart,
Keep me clear
So I can see what is.

——

choosing to spread smiles and to silently recite unchained melody of peace and love to those 💕 the least I can do

my praying heart goes to those civilians especially those underprivileged, weak, unprotected, betrayed anywhere they are on Mother Earth

May all beings be happy. Free from suffering.

🙏🏼

(picture from Pinterest)