Category: This Person

Sunset That Burns

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

It burns what has been packed
And ready to depart
From where a line between boundaries are drawn.

It burns with love.

It burns with life.

It burns forever,
An eternal flame.

it’s the 40th day of my mother’s passing today and we commemorate it through a Javanese traditional ceremony, assimilated with some Islamic tradition

one of the menu in the ceremony basket is “kacang cenggereng” (fried peanuts) which is not only a snack but also a symbol

it’s a symbol of respect to the one passing and hope that the passing is safely welcomed in the next life

yellow is a very suitable colour for my mother’s crossing day as it symbolises happiness

may she be happy to meet her Beloved

terima kasih, Ibu, please send my warm regard to my father

πŸ’›

yellow, Ibu πŸ˜πŸ’›

Happy Birthday, Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Sweet heart, Beloved
Lingers so long, stays alive,
Connects what across.

My mother is supposed to be 81 years old if she’s alive physically. I’m sure she’s happy across, seeing I’m happy. I know she knows I miss her everyday– there is still empty seconds in the morning when I wake up seeing no WhatsApp message from her.

I’ll keep all about you in me forever, Ibu. Love ya much much❣️

Send my best regard to my father who probably is sitting with you all the time talking about you offspring.

Terima kasih, Ibu.

the last screenshot of our video call on Aug 16, 2025

even with just half of her teeth, she still is beautiful

πŸ’•

Imperfection (ranting)

Learning, This Person, Those People

I never expect a teacher to be perfect yet I never want a teacher (who claim her/himself) teacher to tak about what’s (s/he considers) not better than her/him. 

Yes, I’ve “ordained” that my primary teacher is one, that that I’ve listened to & read since I was a high schooler with big respect and trust because his life is well verified and he is consistent about what he’s fought for– those underprivileged in my beloved country. He’s been physically ill and unable to directly greet us. And that was probably one reason that I tried to find another teacher as there are bits and pieces that I might gain from a class with teacher rather than reading alone. Other than that I had one discussion group.

Yet I could not ordain this new teacher to be a primary. Not because he’s not intelligent or scientifically resourceful. He is very much; however, this honored person could not stop talking about other people that one thinks not better, not right, not exclusive, not right, not this, not that. I’ve been in every week and in every meeting there is always word to highlight how others outside are misled.

No, I can’t make this one a primary teacher. This one is as ordinary as others, as me– yet as he is very intelligent I still make this one source of bits and pieces.

No, I don’t hate this one. I just can’t accept fully because of the 60% quality that I can’t see in one. I don’t tell my friend by whom I was connected to this one. I appreciate her kindness and generosity for this connection; yet I’ve found her to be like this teacher: others outside are not right….

Life is so perfectly imperfect; and I’m a consistently imperfect student of life.

Thank you, dear Beloved for giving me extraordinary and ordinary teacher so I can see both perfection and imperfection in myself.

September was good. She showed me teacher who likes to underestimate others outside the class through humble words. She also sent me a friend who is so angelic that I felt uncomfortable to be near her.

Both look perfect in their own place. The teacher is regarded as very scientifically resourceful one– no deficiency of knowledge. The friend is regarded as an angelic one– no stain in her soul.

I’m a human being so I need a perfect teacher whose ethics is at least 50% of one’s quality; the other 50 is shared between knowledge and clear thinking. Because wisdom is not only what’s memorised by teacher but what’s becoming daily conduct as a role model.

I’m a human being so I need an imperfect friend whose flexibility is enough for us to laugh together. Because the rest is not about whether the gathering ia full of wise words or sacred knowledge, but how a friend is welcomed howsoever dirty and low the conduct is; otherwise we are not friends.

Marble Cake

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
Marble cake, my Love
Calls me to sweeten my days
With sugar and scent.

marble cake is one favourite of mine; it’s sweet that never fails to make me smile anytime I bite from every slice of it

me is about meaning and my marble cake is not excluded

like marble, it’s layered of taste, chocolate, vanilla, butter, crisp, moist & fluf exactly like memories of my life that is always full of love

once my readers asked me love will bore you and stop you from singing; I said no as my love isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s skin, flesh, bones and marrow, it’s about muscle and about memories– the whole concept and its compliance altogether that will never fade away through known dimension

and love isn’t about someone else other than me, it’s about how layers of truth are formed with all the falling in love and broken heart in life, even the thinnest love & the slightest broken heart

have you ever seen an orchid shows its bud? that’s a thinnest falling in love

have you ever waited a taxi then suddenly the driver cancelled the order? that’s a slghtest broken heart

I’ve been falling in love to someone that’s so special: that’s a thickest love and losing someone that I’ve loved the most: that’s the biggest broken heart

and those in the middle, a lot

yes, my life is like marble and also marble cake, layered with tastes

and I never want to trade it with anything else

☘️

Humming Heart (ranting)

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--

If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?

The answer: humming❣️

Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁

Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.

Saturday is never boring with humming.

my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes

no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter

I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family

thank you❣️

time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me πŸ’•

Terima Kasih

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.

Terima kasih, Ibu.

what I can remember about you, Ibu πŸ₯°β£οΈ

maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu 😁❣️

Balance Is

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--

Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.

balancing in any situation is what life is about

☘️

La Vie En Rose (1-Hour Version)

Learning, life, love, This Person

This song never seems old to me although I’m getting older everyday. It speaks to my heart as if telling me “never give up, love is what’s molding you & you know love prevails no matter what”.

to some this song brings romantic vibe; to me this song is loaded with strength & love at the same time – I can listen to this song repeatedly non stop until I fall asleep in a normal night while I’m writing or drawing or reading, now especially when imagining my mother’s face is my sweet moment after work

life is not always easy as it is not always tough to me yet sometimes life seems so fragile with social interaction that doesn’t go as expected; truly my mother’s passing has given me a new normal within me

then? life is like a pond to me, still when fish are sleeping and rippling when fish are dancing

if I am at my 50’s feels so much hollow in one part of my heart, I can’t imagine how children would feel & react when left by their mothers

dear Life, please truly let love prevail in the heart of those having little hope or little food so in the lowest point they still can feel loved within

amen

6666

Learning, love, This Person, Those People

On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666

At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter Ψ­ the initial of the word Ψ­Ψ¨Ω„ (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.

The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.

Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. πŸ₯°

No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).

For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. β€οΈβ€πŸ©Ή

Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. πŸ’•β˜˜οΈβ£οΈ

Face It

Learning, life, This Person, Those People

Sometimes something scary is something that we need to truly face. It’s a door that we must enter. It’s a book that we shall read. It’s a podcast that we’ve gotta listen to. It’s the very uncomfortable fact about what’s within that we need to unknot to fully see our own selves clearly and wholeheartedly.

I have friends, good friends, close friends and I know exactly what they like to talk about and what they don’t like to talk about. Some don’t like talking about money. Some don’t like talking about romance. Some don’t like talking about ancestor. Some don’t like talking at all, just making uh or oh in the conversation. And I like testing whiteout their knowing being tested.

I want to tap their mind that some things are disliked not because it’s not good, it’s simply because it’s not familiar.

Anyway after several times I will try anymore. What for? If they think it’s useless to talk about it with me, I might not be the right one to tap that part. If they think it’s useless to talk about it, it might not be the topic they need to learn or unlearn in this period of time.

Let the door open by itself. I feel enough to know the need; at the same time I come to a realisation that some people don’t need help to wake up, or some people don’t need to wake up that way.

😁

dear life, guide me to every door of mine, each of them is facing you — if all doors are open & what’s behind is shown to me, how beautiful the diamond of love you’ve given to me as I can see it from all facets of its cut

πŸ’•

Love Isn’t Faraway

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.

my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays

Head Bowed to Love

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.

It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.

This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.

No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.

I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. πŸ’•

Forgotten

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
Love can live in a song,
But what can love do when a song is
Forgotten?
None but an old book,
Dusty and unread--

Life is just like that.

it’s ok to be forgotten as life is just like that

love never lives in a vacuum chamber; it grows with bias of lovers who mightn’t have known deeper layers of love that can only be clearly understood with the understanding of one’s self, never with anything else

silently I’ve paid attention to someone and how one acts in public

the last song has been forgotten so it’s time for me to truly withdraw – no I don’t want to get hurt by someone that I hope not hurting me (but doing it on and on maybe without one’s knowledge of hurting me)

it’s my last day of bereavement leave of my dear mother’s passing and I want to spend it with full relaxation, watching whatever within my reach for the next one hour, then read books on and off the whole day inserted with writing what’s popped out in mind & talking to families members who are still staying until end of this week in my mother’s home

I just want to rest….

Do You Know?

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
Do you know, my love
Love has no definition
But that undefined--

this love is as old as the earth before she was born….

this love is as vast as the universe and non universe of which she was yet not born….

this love is as deep as the riverbed that has no end of the abyss that greets….

this love is as true as the love itself that has no definition as truth is layered and its finale is love itself

I just want to be loved by love that I love in which love loves love itself.

❣️

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.

It feels….

Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter

It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her

terima kasih, Ibu

πŸ’•

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Aku sayang Ibu.

our last video call

the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly β˜ΊοΈβ˜˜οΈπŸ’•β£οΈ

terima kasih, Ibu…. 😘☘️❣️

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.

Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.

Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.

Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.

ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video ☺️❣️

in Jogja β˜˜οΈπŸ’™β£οΈ

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.

I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.

Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.

Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.

But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.

Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....

ibu, terima kasih ya….

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.

you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone

πŸ’™

terima kasih yaaa….

😘

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."

ibu, terima kasih ya ☺️

Life Is A Trip

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.

I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.

While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.

He should be….

😎

someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase

someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me

someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked

someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap

someone who likes to sing under the rain

someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!

who drives much better than I do

he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me

who?

not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁

I’m gonna be 50 &

yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.

Life Cycle of Love

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
It never dies-- Love.
It sparks then sparkles; no end
But milestones to mark.

preparing batik for myself

will name this piece “life cycle of love”

Beauty Today

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
What's beauty today?
Ants partying in some blooms
For sweetness of life--

no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long

why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)

I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘

I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design πŸ₯°

Beauty Today

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
Beauty today, Love
Is about about colours and shapes
Softly touch the heart.

as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”

at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter

today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours

Heart

Learning, Poetic, This Person
My heart is a garden
Where flowers are nodding to butterflies and ladybugs
That need a ride to play.

My heart is a pond
Where lilies spread their pads to dragonflies and frog
That stop to meditate.

My heart is a cave
Where treasures are hidden from
eyes and ears
That crave for secrets.

My heart is an ocean
Where space is containing depth and width
That hug the abyss.

My heart is a home
Where songs are waiting for rhythms and rhymes
That long for a voice.

dear heart, be fragrant even when it’s around bad odor β™₯️

Karma

Learning, Poetic, This Person
My biggest karma is not my family & closest friends.
It is being me in this very life,
With choices to make
And decisions to take.

Thank
You,
Life.

I’m the sunflowers that follow the sun, that will only stop moving when it sets.

Coffee Flowers

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
Coffee flowers, Love
It breathes what I long for much,
Poisons me with love.

coffee flowers – I used to see many at the backyard of my uncle’s house in Jogja

I loved breathing its fragrance every morning and afternoon when I had the time to stroll along the path

yet not as many now

I love breathing coffee fragrance but not drinking it as much

Clarity

Learning, Poetic, This Person
Clarity, my love
Is silence that loudly says
About who you are.

some people talk about honesty as if honesty is falling hair of theirs – nothing but waste….

…. not because honesty doesn’t mean anything; yet because they claim being honest but actually lying.

once I thought you were this, and your signs said you were this until all birds then messengers coming saying that you are that….

honesty saves everyone’s time….

1) when honesty is about dishonesty

2) when it is the talking of the walk

3) when it is the walking of the talk

πŸ™ƒ

so clear to me, after meeting a friend yesterday

☺️