Category: This Person

A Door In A Home

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
She thought
The door was open ajar
And so she stepped forward
Then she found
It was never ajar,
It was unclearly welcoming,
Playing true heart,
Causing a burning pain.

It was a glass window
Protecting a door
That was never open--
Neither for her
Nor for anyone
Probably--
Some home is designed
To lure hope
Just to damage true trust.

She decided that
It's her fault
And mindfully she's to be careful
As her heart won't
Bear the cost of
What's not true
Anymore.

stand in front of a door that is finally found never open for me, time to go within

it is my first time, very first time to find that a heart can show me so overwhelmingly huge clear admiration and hope but then cause me to free fall ridiculously

maybe i did something really bad to that heart in my previous life

dear, love — i don’t want unclarity next time; i don’t want false alarm; i want only clear mind and genuine intension

lesson is learnt in many ways; i thank life for teaching me so much love — this time love that has no clarity about its own self

thank you, love for giving me clarity about myself and about you

💕

A Gift

Learning, Poetic, This Person, Those People

A gift, Beloved,
Wrapped or unwrapped, it will be
Blessings to both sides.

today i met my Tapa Brata room mate, she is a sister in this spiritual and medical journey for me; while she is much younger than me, she is tremendously more advanced in what we both are doing — today she wrapped me a silver jewelry that i right away wore to go dinner with her in PS

thank you for this pretty gift, FO

Blessed

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

She's blessed, Beloved
In the name of none but love
By those knowing love.

almost done with the packing — short getaway somewhere connected with 1-week biz trip to KL

i’ve been in good mood

this was the first time i was kissed and hugged by the CFO of a company after a closing meeting — she said she had heard my name from other counterparts in other branches and she liked the way i defended my standpoint; or, probably she was just being a mother who remembered her daughter

thank you, YW; you are blessed

Scared Away

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

She is scared away
By all silence thrown to her.
Going back within--

sometimes work is the only heaven when undivided attention distracts me from other disturbances

today is the last day of audit in one supplier near home then i will complete packing to fly early tomorrow morning — i don’t know if the meet-up will happen (i heard the person will go somewhere else with someone else); if not, at least i know whether or not this is my way

💕

Soaked and Refreshed

Learning, Poetic, This Person

I just wanna be
Soaked and refreshed in your love.
Fun in solitude--

evening swim is nice with splashing sound and unseen shadowy fellow swimmers — soaked and refreshed in solitude is a privilege

Explaining Life Flow Systemically (ranting)

Learning, life, This Person

Living up to this age, I am still learning how to live more systematically while questioning if life shall be systematic.

As I deal with management system almost everyday, let me share how I see life as a structured process flow from one phase to another in a close loop cycle. Please note it is not always implemented in all part of life by me; why? Because I love experiencing life as a flowing river instead of 1-2-3-4 that feels like ordinal number sequence, it is fair enough to break the cycle rule once in a while.

What is breaking cycle rule in my version? Simply by twisting schedule from morning to evening, changing my playlist from jazz to Balinese rindik or Javanese gamelan to unknown music from instagram that I follow. That simple? Not always, sometimes I will just call my brother for 3 hours talking bloody unfunny jokes but still laughing together. I am boring because of not clubbing? Yes, and feeling enough with myself 😃

Perhaps because outside work I am a free spirit (in different way), rigidly binding me with too structured a way of life can make me suffocated; that’s why even (if) there is a systematic approach of management system flow applied to my life, I will still hijack my own system at certain moment to ensure that my life is a pleasant bliss, not a routine.

😃

it is not yet fully done, review in progress, debatable and not a proposal — it’s just a noisy mind of mine

💃🏽

Thank You, My Morning

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

Thank you, my morning
For giving my passion back
After short suicide.

the lagoon pool this morning, its splashing sound competing with the traffic picking up was the background when i called my mother after my morning walk

my mother is sometimes too worried about me then she says “you’re too active”; she’s not exactly right — yes i swim every 2 days, walk 5km every 2 days and bike now and then but i see others run, hike the mountains, box (some of my Filipino colleagues do), etc

so i told my mother just now that i will keep being active if this is what she calls active as this is what makes me greet my morning with positive vibes everyday

i don’t want to waste my time by doing what those in despair do

and she always tells me “don’t forget the routine fasting but eat more” — what?! mother…. a woman that annoys you but you can’t stop loving her

terima kasih, my morning & ibuku sayang

Reasons to Love?

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

I've learnt reasoning since
Forever.
I gain what and what
Through stingy allowance
To let things happen in life
Except
One,
You.
I generously gain
You.

Beloved,
Can you please sometimes tell me why I should not love?
Should I love king only? Or should I not for he is too high?
Or should I love beggar? Or should I not as he is too low?

Or should I learn now that
There must be reasons to
Love?

Life is sometimes showing me
Love
Then taking it back cruelly
With little to no chance.

i beg your guidance, always

💕

Everyday Life

Learning, Poetic, This Person

In everyday life
Leaves are on trees, trees on roots;
Blooms and fruits on hopes--

my everyday life is prosaic, i recompose it to be poetic so i can enjoy it with my loved ones

💕

Lyrics (softly spoken, deep and on point)

What in the world are we going to do?
Look at what everybody's going through
What kind of world do you want it to be?
Am I the future or the history?

'Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies
Everyone falls
Everybody dreams and doubts
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out

How in the world I am going to see?
You as my brother
Not my enemy?

'Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone sees the color in each other's eyes
Everyone loves
Everybody gets their hearts ripped out
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out
Gonna keep dancing when the lights go out
Hold tight for everyday life
Hold tight for everyday life

At first light
Throw my arms out open wide
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Yes

About Books

Learning, Poetic, This Person

What are you reading today?
Said I to myself.

I did read pages of books
Seen in my favourite bookstore,
Met in MRT, the mall, the restaurant and on my way.
They all were read by me that life is either difficult or light, easy or heavy,
Yet none wanted to leave among the disarray.

Do they love their life?
Maybe yes, maybe no
But they were willing to stay,
Living in their own way
To finish writing their stories
With a
Happy ending.

How should I write my book?
I plan a 
Happy ending
When only love matters.
In the writing
I use my own letters.

the 3 on top must be completed by end of Oct then i will read other thinner books; otherwise i can’t achieve 2024’s reading target — i am competing with myself to achieve better than myself last year

this year 4 of the books i read are based on recommendation; thanks for recommending the good books — i skip some recommended though with some reason

among all books i’ve read some have changed the way i perceive life: Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and The Sea, Jack London’s The Call of The Wild, Quraish Shihab’s Jilbab, Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, Bhagavad Gita, and several others — all those writers are collaborating to teach me how i should dismantle my rigid thought about life and so i’ve been gradually set free as a human being

when i like a book, i will read it again and again; fyi, i seldom scribble on my books, so i put post-it or book-markers or just a piece of paper between interesting pages — many of my books are dog-eared but mostly clean

every reader has one’s own habit to love one’s points of reading

😊

Be You

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person

Be playful, dear self
At the same time
Be kind.
Be free
To be who
You truly are
Although to do it
You've got to sneak out
For a while.

I won't lose you,
Hey little sweet girl in me.

Nice and Light

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Trimmed up, Beloved,
A heavy bough of ripe fruits
With nice and light smiles.

heavy week completed with nice and light smiles — alhamdulillah….

happy weekend

💕

1,000’s

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

I'm a soul of thousands of years,
Traveling through space and time
To introduce a flow of notes
Performing a play
Full of poems.

Someday the story will be
Composed in prose.

Do you care to read,
Beloved?

Good Morning

Learning, love, This Person

Good morning, dear self.
Fly my love across the sea
Where heaven's sitting.

RC Gorman’s work of art – i feel strongly Gorman knew exactly how it feels to be a not-married woman: dressing herself nicely, wearing herself comfortably, greeting environment sweetly, loving her own self dearly like loving her beloved

Birthday & Zodiac(s) (ranting)

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person

Happy birthday, myself.
Continue doing what you love.
If not, love what you are doing with commitment, discipline and some gentleness called love.
Know that every single deed be recorded in a ribbon coiling around you, reviewed and rewarded.
Know that however sincere and true you are,
You sometimes will be misunderstood
Even by those closest to you,
And sometimes explanation won't clear the way.
Just be true,
Be kind.
Or, walk out of the room for a while.
Enjoy your double-life: being one in the crowded road and the other in the silent pathway, always
With some sprinkle of love.
You are blessed.

A moment of happiness, you and I sitting on the verandah, apparently two, but one in soul, you and I. (Rumi)

I am 49 today….

….feeling blessed with what I’ve been given. #andnotgiven

….feeling good with by whom I’ve been surrounded. #andnotsurrounding

….feeling lucky that still looking younger than my age (said one selling me a life insurance and said ones selling me bright coloured dresses).  #paradoxicallyblessed

When people say “age is just a number”, I’ve always disagreed. Age is counted with number to highlight various processes and stories along a linear line although to me life is never linear, it’s always inward spiral. Originally the phrase “just a number” is to comfort those afraid to age, those who think getting old is scary and less favourable. In fact, getting old is fun and blessed. I’ve never thought that I still can have fun at this age, responsibly do what I love to, go to places in bucket list (no backpacking), dress the way I love to, fall in love every single day with myself and those making me love myself more, look forward to dreams coming true, and a lot more. I am talking about getting old, not being dead– the latter is mysterious and I’m still not committed to be 🤓

What is the essence of getting old to me? Getting old is a journey ahead of total maturation of how a human being chooses to responsibly respond & tactfully react to given situations; and a journey back home to childlike sincerity within of how a human being playfully celebrates failures and successes of life. I refresh maturity each day, at the same time playfulness and candour.

When birthday comes, people like to remind me of me being Virgo, but am I truly a Virgo just because of being born in Sep? I am not sure, in fact Virgo is in both my sun and moon, my rising/ascendant is Aquarius and several other zodiac signs sit in the other houses in the chart. Actually yes I see at times I am a pendulum swinging from being “Virgo’s pragmatic approaches, worrisome nature and rigid ideas” to being “Aquarian’s free-spirit, living life one day at a time, enjoying here-now moment” and in between I am transiting in different zodiac signs in experiencing this precious life. By Chinese astrology I am a Rabbit. By Javanese astrology, oh sooo complicated!

Particular family members, friends & colleagues quote astrology to assure me that they know my personality when commenting about my behaviours. 

“It’s because you’re Virgo so you are like this,” said they. “It’s because you’re a Rabbit so you are like that”. “It’s because you’re blahblahblah….”

Well, I respect their willingness to at least understand about me through the pseudoscience called astrology. They don’t judge with bare hands, they present something to my hands. Science or pseudoscience to me though must follow my conscience; their opinion might slip from between the pores of my existence, from between fingers of these hands.

Anyways, to my understanding about this self: I simply accept that this person called Rike is a combination of inherited & evolving DNA, family upbringing & social interaction, life experience & trauma, decided responses & reactions, hopes & dreams; which might happen in awareness or not, well organized or random. If astrology does matter, it is only part of all. Once a human being understands one’s self through one’s own self (in Javanese wisdom it includes but not be limited to “mawas diri” or self examination), astrology knowledge is just frills in a gown.

Please don’t get offended by my personal opinion, take it as a stupid if not humble one. 

Whatever strong opinions about or labels given to me –how ugly or how grand– by other human beings won’t change the true me that I experience intimately. I won’t let those labels rob this intimacy. Even all identities I embrace dearly shouldn’t shake this intimacy. Those human beings labelling me and I are raw stones massively tumbled in a giant tumbling machine called life; we each other all hit, break, scratch, polish to finally shine and show the true colours of each of us. How painfully beautiful at the same time beautifully painful life is!

Thank you, Gusti Allah for this beautiful journey called human life.

I know you’ve had boundless repertoire of sweet surprises. Please give me wonderful time like always.

💕

So This Is Love (Sneha)

Learning, life, love, This Person

I am not a fan of Cinderella story as no pure love is found at the stairs of a palace…. 😂 but I love this song, I can listen to this song this whole night.

Thanks God for giving an ever space in this heart to always move forward no matter what. Life is about defining and redefining a self through dreams, plans, actions and evaluations with love and compassion.

Almost birthday and I already feel so much love from my family and close friends.

Thank you….

❣️

Mm
Mm
So this is love
Mm
So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow, mm
And now I know (and now I know)
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings, mm
And I can fly
I'll touch every star in the sky
So this is the miracle
That I've been dreaming of
Mm
Mm
So this is love

Planned

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

If I'm asked to plan,
I'll plan colourful events
Where bravery rules.

plunge into ocean of possibilities – be brave, Beloved; you’ve failed and fallen, another plunge won’t kill

execute the plan to once again plunge into it and then…. done

💕

Rain

Learning, Poetic, This Person

It is now raining,
Water combs dust down the roof.
She's trapped in the cold.

rain, i have no chance to warm up in the roof garden so i just sit in a sofa wrapped in my warm knit poncho

rain, i love it but at the same time have to struggle with the cold in the air conditioned building

rain, stay as you wish

Aging Wine (ranting)

Learning, Poetic, This Person

When this wine is aged,
Will it be smooth and pleasant?
Or acidic and weak?

If you ask me what I love the most about this body, without doubt I will say hair and eyes. I am given naturally pitch-black straight hair and deep sharp eyes. And now both really give me patience test.

My hair needs to be treated with more vitamin and tonic to stay strong and dyed (once in 4 months in certain part, not all) when insecurity comes for discoloured hair at the front left and right side of the head. My eyes demand glasses more often than before especially when reading.

Hell! In fact I can’t deny that there is a shade of insecurity of getting old. I understand aging is inevitable but when it changes some features loved the most, I am obviously offended….

My best friend and I often talk about aging and both of us accept and make fun of it. She is not interested in indulging her body, while I am once in a while so I will be the one telling her to keep the body relaxed and fit, while she reminds me to visit my physician and take the meds regularly. No, I never think beauty is the goal of physical treatment, it is always the health and comfort, while beauty sometimes comes as either a bonus or a consequence. And yes, I am against alteration of part of body for beauty; yet I respect those doing it.

Today I posted a photo in instagram and captioned it with two sentences about my fringe and insecurity, my best friend commented “camouflage is a key!” 😂

Hitting the core yet it is true! I will extend the coverage of fringe and probably have my hair coloured (maybe dark brown instead of black to remind me it is not natural) more frequently because I look tired with grey hair, while I want to look fresh both alone or with people. Someday though I will accept the grey hair sitting on my crown, maybe 10 years from now 😛

Getting ooooold. Congratulations! Wait until the time hits the age soon, Aging Wine! 😎

Rike, your grey hair (said they)…. i just smiled but then secretly extended the fringe 😎

my hair really tested me today: messy of wind and refused to be back to normal, stubbornly showing the world that they were against me!

My Life Is

Learning, life, Poetic, This Person

My life
Is a drop of dew
That glistens and freshens
The life of a sleepy leaf,
Woken up in a beautiful morning
To greet the sun.

I fall to the tip of a grass leaf
And break
Becoming
Spurt of water, so tiny
Enough to shower less than an inch of dry land
Then come through the soil gently 
Finding a way to the earth veins,
Traveling back to the sea.

thank you, life for always making me nod to the simplicity of accepting what is

Do You Mind Me To?

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

If I'm to follow,
It's only to follow you.
Do you mind me to?

the sun, sunflower and a weekend

Dear Sky

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Looking for one face behind the cloud,
I meet a smiling sky whispering
"Land and meet one while your feet are on the ground."

Dear sky,
How paradoxical this dream is!
I've dreamt of a perfect angel
Only to find that the perfect is a real sample of imperfection.
How paradoxical this fear is!
I've been afraid of imperfect ghost
Only to see that the imperfect is a real specimen of perfection.
How paradoxical that both perfection and imperfection reside in the same home!

Step by step
I crawl down from the bed
And go to the garden
Where I guess singing birds are hopping from one swaying twig to another,
Butterflies are flying around bright coloured flowers.
What I find is silent dews gliding on sleepy leaves,
Dragonflies perching on tips of coarse leaves.
They're though real and I befriend with a verse of beauty.

Dear sky,
Always bring me naked truth with which I can be real.

Thank you.

it’s not where i want to find you; if you’re there, i will immediately leave you because it mustn’t be the real you

💕

Roses You Are

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Roses,
You are bright
As bright as her eyes
When finding the way
And she's relieved.

Roses,
You are shiny
As shiny as her hair
When reflecting the sunray
And she's radiant.

Roses,
You are prickly
As prickly as her mood
When getting hurt
And she's fiery.

Roses,
You are wild
As wild as her rage
When becoming uncontroled
And she's sorry.

Roses,
You are quiet
As quiet as her composure
When realising the truth
And she's calm.

Roses,
You are muted
As muted as her body
When taking a rest
And she's refreshed.

Roses,
You can be everything
As complete as her existence
When getting enlightened
And she's humbled.

everytime in-room dining is served, a stem of rose in a vase will accompany the food

once done, the tray will be taken back and i ask for permission to put the rose in the vase in the room

and at the end of my stay there will be roses as many as how many times i choose to dine in the room than to go out (recently being evening lazed mode on)

Everything

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Everything, dear self
Has its own time, no delay.
There is never doubt.

when my doubt is unbearable, i will open the Quran and ask to be given one answer to my doubt — after some short meditative moment; i will randomly open a page and the first part that i see or point with my forefinger, i will simply take it as the answer

and this is the most recent one when i asked about doubt “…. and He has appointed a term in which there is no doubt.”

it might be a coincidence that the “no doubt” appeared to me when i asked about doubt

it is not a scientific process to make a decision, but i choose to believe it because i don’t want to lose the ability to rely on intuition in time when logic cannot help

it takes practices and acceptance to embrace this simple (speculative) way of making decision, and it takes humility (for a logical person like me) to humbly believe

thank you, Gusti 💕

If I Were A Scent

Learning, Poetic, This Person

If I were a scent,
I would be herbal.

If I were a scent,
I would be flowers.

If I were a scent,
I would be sandalwood.

If I were a scent,
I would be musk.

If I were a scent,
I would be sea breeze.

If I were a scent,
I would be mountain dew.

What other scents could
I become?
Floral?
Oriental?
Woody?
Fresh?

If I were a scent,
I would be anything that's
Loved to breath in by
You.

 Musée du Parfum Fragonard

No Doubt

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

No doubt is playing.
She finds this journey blessing.
No more pretending--

‘ve never stayed in this hotel before, rather unusual but there is a blessing in disguise; the hotel room i’m staying has dandelions at one of its corner — i take it as a confirmation to all my prayer, i’ve got no doubt anymore about this journey 💕 the outcome though is not in my control

Sonnet of A Tiny Love

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Pondering where this tiny love story means,
Counting breathing through hope in highs and lows.
In I breath fragrance of rose, out jasmine.
How beautiful! No one but a key knows.

The breeze sometimes softly shakes the heartbeat.
The river flows tampering a quiet mind.
The fire ignites a heart that longs to meet.
Under the drizzle the sun warmly shines.

Beloved, is it you she's waiting for?
Is it her you're letting in your grand throne?
The cloud hanging disguises sweet flavor,
Or the flavor is love and love alone?

Love is beautiful with cloudy sweet dream.
If time allows, rain stops, be shown sunbeam.

there’s a girl within falling in love, a woman without daydreaming of love

be real, woman! the girl is as true as your love itself

never doubt your heart; trust your life

Facing My Face

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Facing my face, Love
Is facing hell in heaven
Or heaven in hell.

All human beings must face “when things don’t go your way”. Everyone of us! And I believe sooner or later each of us will get enlightened to realise that all of us are monks in the making. Indeed❣️

Here is one of many of mine.

How I deal with my health….

My 1-week retreat (Tapa Brata) experience in Bali Usada has given me a key to facing my own face within. My first Tapa Brata was in 2018 then two more after that.

This retreat really dismantles participants’ reading/writing/listening tools and speaking activity and all electronic gadgets (all are safe kept by Bali Usada during retreat) which will need professional deal for professional participants to be totally off– no one outside the retreat center can contact you directly, your killer boss will probably scold at you if you don’t take the call.

We meditate 9 hours per day, listening to 3-4 hours of lectures, physical workout and personal daily activities (cleaning, eating, sleeping, etc). No others–

We don’t speak with others except facilitators and only whispering when truly needed. We don’t listen except to instructions from facilitors, lectures from Bapak Merta Ada, natural sounds (silence of quiet night, falling rain, rustling wind, cracking woods, splashing water, chirping insects, crying night birds, whispering ghosts maybe….). We don’t read anything except the announcement and material posted on the wall bulletin. We don’t write except when allowed and on the paper and pencil given by facilitator.

Imagine one week only interacting with your own self. Before joining in 2018 I thought it would be relatively easy because I’ve learnt meditation since 2010. But in reality I vomitted several days after meditation finding how hard and disgusting seeing my own shadows within without distraction and no sharing plus with hidden health issues.

My 2nd and 3rd were with different challenges but I will not share it here.

It was not easy to face guilt, abandonment, feeling of unwanted, shame, anger, ignorance, arrogance, stupidity, etc within myself plus physical heaviness. I cried almost everyday, I could not sleep, I felt desperate being me, I regretted joining the retreat, I screamed in my silent meditation begging Pak Merta Ada or the facilitators to just pause the meditation– those all happened until day 4. It went smoothly from day 5 to the last. I so much loved my own self; felt so liberated, forgave myself more, committed to love my own self more responsibly.

Vomitting and headache in my 1st retreat was my biggest physical challenge as I stopped taking my daily pain killer which was not doctor’s prescription. Pain killer except the one prescribed by doctor is not allowed during retreat as it will reduce the sensitivity to body and senses during meditations.

In the final session with Bapak Merta Ada he advised me to thoroughly have my health condition checked as he observed something serious (I won’t say it here). Terima kasih, Bapak❣️

Going back to Singapore I did my yearly medical check and was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and no surgery was mandatory– thanks to the retreat that intensified my headache and vomitting. Anyway I finally found of being wrongly diagnosed by 2 doctors in my own country earlier. I was shocked by the new diagnose (which was the right one) but at the same time so relieved that the diagnose from 2 early doctors was totally drunk! I was so happy that I would not die restless like I thought before.

I joined Tapa Brata again after pandemic when my brain tumor shrank to 40%. Easier physically! So content and humbled by many things! Now I’m waiting for the next MRI to see how much the growth shrinks further and taking an annual leave to do the next Tapa Brata in 2025.

Don’t ask me how perfect I am. I will tell you how imperfect I’ve been.

😊

….continuing reading Haemin Sunim

now what do you think about me?