Sweet heart, Beloved Lingers so long, stays alive, Connects what across.
My mother is supposed to be 81 years old if she’s alive physically. I’m sure she’s happy across, seeing I’m happy. I know she knows I miss her everyday– there is still empty seconds in the morning when I wake up seeing no WhatsApp message from her.
I’ll keep all about you in me forever, Ibu. Love ya much much❣️
Send my best regard to my father who probably is sitting with you all the time talking about you offspring.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
the last screenshot of our video call on Aug 16, 2025
even with just half of her teeth, she still is beautiful
Marble cake, my Love Calls me to sweeten my days With sugar and scent.
marble cake is one favourite of mine; it’s sweet that never fails to make me smile anytime I bite from every slice of it
me is about meaning and my marble cake is not excluded
like marble, it’s layered of taste, chocolate, vanilla, butter, crisp, moist & fluf exactly like memories of my life that is always full of love
once my readers asked me love will bore you and stop you from singing; I said no as my love isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s skin, flesh, bones and marrow, it’s about muscle and about memories– the whole concept and its compliance altogether that will never fade away through known dimension
and love isn’t about someone else other than me, it’s about how layers of truth are formed with all the falling in love and broken heart in life, even the thinnest love & the slightest broken heart
have you ever seen an orchid shows its bud? that’s a thinnest falling in love
have you ever waited a taxi then suddenly the driver cancelled the order? that’s a slghtest broken heart
I’ve been falling in love to someone that’s so special: that’s a thickest love and losing someone that I’ve loved the most: that’s the biggest broken heart
and those in the middle, a lot
yes, my life is like marble and also marble cake, layered with tastes
She's a hummingbird Flying her colours and voice. Garden of Eden--
If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?
The answer: humming❣️
Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁
Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.
Saturday is never boring with humming.
my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes
no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter
I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family
thank you❣️
time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me 💕
The load, Beloved So much she can give to you-- Whatever she keeps
RC Gorman’s work of art
the woman is guarding what she keeps in the terracotta jar silently sitting next to her like a soul that she lives with, that she fills with richness of life full of love & hope, that someday she will share with that patient enough to sit down with her silently & fun enough to enjoy life as it is
If I'm in a trip, I'd be with the Lone Ranger, Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
😎
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
What's beauty today? Ants partying in some blooms For sweetness of life--
no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long
why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)
I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘
I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design 🥰
Beauty today, Love Is about about colours and shapes Softly touch the heart.
as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”
at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter
today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours
A door, Beloved Your way I take to enter The way of loving--
some people said to me directly and some indirectly “my way or no way”
my life is like one-way highway with no U-turn with which the choice is chosen by itself, go ahead and that’s it! when I choose my way, the way becomes bumpy and muddy and not safe,
so I’ve never really thought about my way
letting it be instructed through my heart and follow Life’s way
so when some ask “my way or no way”, I’ll smile and think
maybe those people’s life has been so easy and smooth that all their way is running without any interruption or alteration or even 100% negotiation
maybe
but I again just smile and try to understand while waiting whose way is winning
Hiding in colours Quiet, before partying again With the same colours--
I realised that someone can show the world what’s the opposite to be able to do whatever they like behind the stage.
A man said to a woman that his parents didn’t approve the marriage with her so that he could marry another her.
A man marry a woman hiding his true sexual orientation. Once married people think he is a sexually straight, ignoring that he is giving hell to the woman who blindly loves him.
Headache, Beloved Tiara with her gemstones Glowing dignity--
I’d had headache for these past 3 days and no better even with the super meds called Paramex 🙂 I took one-day medical leave to meet the doc then on Friday I worked from home to gain more comfort while working.
I kept complaining until just now realizing that this was that I felt before; it was when I had a growth inside my brain untreated. The headache was significantly reduced (up to 99% by my gross calculation: from everyday to once in several months like this time).
How I thank God that this headache has tried reminding me that this time I feel so much better than before, the years of constant headache every single day.
Ah! Thank you!
Thank you for the realization that life shall have sickness to know that health is a true blessing. Then both sickness & health are blessings indeed.
Thank you!
if my headaches in those years to be exchanged with a head piece, I want a tiara with diamond & emerald – elegantly pressing the head for beauty & dignity
A gift, Beloved Breeze bringing a good fragrance Keeping me with you.
I bought a box of gift for myself – perfume 💗
patchouli is one of my favourite fragrances, it is mostly harvested in Indonesia — there’s a documentary about how patchouli farmers are ‘exploited” for perfume industry
I’m cruelly aware that my liking to scent is making me part of the exploitation. What should I do?
It's locked, Beloved. Hiding from those not wanted, Enjoying close doors.
I put my Instagram account back to private from being public. I am not a public figure and not selling anything so why should it be in public mode?
Actually when being public, the account started getting random people following me (although I removed them right away). Not those I wish to follow me 😁
WordPress is still the best platform where I can rant about the public policy and service in my country without being questioned “why are you talking about thing you don’t know?” and whisper about my silent journey within.
Needing some time to stay submerged–
wanting my back garden door in this colour 😍 the one between Japanese garden and the back yard
it's where two sweet hearts meeting in a quiet meadow to sing together
(haiku about an ideal marriage of mine)
When I was a high schooler I wanted to get married at 25. At 35 broken-hearted decided to be single forever; at 45 re-opened myself to any possibility–
While in my culture talking about romance or wishing to get married at my age is considered a shame, I proceed. I’m a human being— if they do, why not me? I’m so comfortable to say this even thinking it out loud in front of family and friends; and they were the one sometimes would feel less comfortable and tell me to be calm.
I’m calm and not in a hurry chasing anyone. I”m just so relaxed. I’m accepting the fact that wanting something will not affect my state of being thankful-to-be-me if what’s wanted doesn’t happen. At this point my thought is if I’m getting married, I’m happy getting married. If I’m not, I am happy not getting married.
Last Monday I watched a podcast in which Raline Shah was interviewed by Dave Hendrik & Iwet Ramadhan (my favourite duo the DVET) in YouTube. She highlighted what I’ve thought about for so long in life (maybe also what’s been thought about by many female single around me).
And these are some loved statements of hers shareable to you all:
“I want us to still get married but I want to have faith that even if I have this job also be with you. So sometimes this independence creates insecurity in the man I date…”
It was about her stance on her own dream and the man she dated who wanted her to be just a wife instead of a woman with career.
“I would love to compromise my life. I would love to compromise my dreams because getting married is also another dream but I just don’t feel that in your natural state, does that person love you? …. They don’t really like you, they’re just in love with you.”
It was when she was asked if she would compromise her dream for marriage. This is truly a beautiful statement.
“Just be yourself para jomblo. Do what you like, …. And see who likes you for that version of you.”
Yes, being one’s self is a must. Oscar Wilde said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken“.
I hope all single people especially ladies in my culture (or other culture resembling mine) decide to get married or not because of their own choice, not because of no choice. It sounds utopic but it is what it is.
One, two, Beloved, Numbers to start a journey To the zero point.
With ageing I am able to feel the surge of high energy I experienced before. With broken heart I’m so thankful that I’ve got love in this heart. With thirst I appreciate how freshness of water cures me. With the stuck in the head I become more and more familiar that flowing is the only way to love. With scarcity I can grow sense of gratitude with even just a little hope in life.
It’s you. Yes, it’s you. None other but you that makes me. None other but you that puts meaning on the word me. None other but you that moves all this life within me.
How can I be feeling so detached….
If you are the one attaching in all my senses?
If you are the one behaving with this corpse?
If you are the one drawing a circle for me to circumambulate until the two dots meet?
rike jokanan 
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