Tag: love

My Life Is Poetry

Learning, love, Poetic

My life is poetry
I recite in solitude.
As short as Basho's haiku,
As long as Bhagavad Gita--

No ears are to hear,
No critic is to review,
As private as a fetus in the womb, dearly loved--
As hidden as an unexplored cave, well protected--

There will be time when it travels out
To a place called a meadow of flowers
Where words become meaningless,
Senses truthfully shout.

That day I'll recite my life
To that whom I truly endear.
That day I'll sing my song
About the love I truly adhere.

a humble life is a tiny drop of water pushing out ripples on a placid pond– hidden and loved

Dear Sky

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Looking for one face behind the cloud,
I meet a smiling sky whispering
"Land and meet one while your feet are on the ground."

Dear sky,
How paradoxical this dream is!
I've dreamt of a perfect angel
Only to find that the perfect is a real sample of imperfection.
How paradoxical this fear is!
I've been afraid of imperfect ghost
Only to see that the imperfect is a real specimen of perfection.
How paradoxical that both perfection and imperfection reside in the same home!

Step by step
I crawl down from the bed
And go to the garden
Where I guess singing birds are hopping from one swaying twig to another,
Butterflies are flying around bright coloured flowers.
What I find is silent dews gliding on sleepy leaves,
Dragonflies perching on tips of coarse leaves.
They're though real and I befriend with a verse of beauty.

Dear sky,
Always bring me naked truth with which I can be real.

Thank you.

it’s not where i want to find you; if you’re there, i will immediately leave you because it mustn’t be the real you

💕

Style

Learning, love, Poetic

Your style's, Beloved
Yours that cajoles her to move
Current point of view.

i’m not a fan of French style but this hotel makes me feel home in Hanoi so i accept the style as it is and make it my preferred hotel

You

Learning, love, Poetic

I wish I know
You better
So there won't be useless tears falling to long for
You.

I wish to meet
You now
So there won't be useless words
Uttered in secret for
You.

I wish to be with
You, too
So there won't be useless thought dancing restlessly for
You.

But I won't force to be with
You soon
As the timing is predestined by and arranged for 
You.

counting my falling hair before finally meeting you

💕

Everything

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Everything, dear self
Has its own time, no delay.
There is never doubt.

when my doubt is unbearable, i will open the Quran and ask to be given one answer to my doubt — after some short meditative moment; i will randomly open a page and the first part that i see or point with my forefinger, i will simply take it as the answer

and this is the most recent one when i asked about doubt “…. and He has appointed a term in which there is no doubt.”

it might be a coincidence that the “no doubt” appeared to me when i asked about doubt

it is not a scientific process to make a decision, but i choose to believe it because i don’t want to lose the ability to rely on intuition in time when logic cannot help

it takes practices and acceptance to embrace this simple (speculative) way of making decision, and it takes humility (for a logical person like me) to humbly believe

thank you, Gusti 💕

Surrounded by You

Learning, love, Poetic

Want I

To be surrounded by
You
Where laughter is generous,
Thought is serious,
Confidence is contagious,
Maturity is glorious.

How merry
To have conversation hilarious!
Once in a while though days look rigorous,
That's when it is to my senses obvious, 
To my thought serious
That you're famous
Surrounded by
Thousands of those
Marvelous.

Sigh I.

surrounded by beauty

Ripples

Learning, love, Poetic

Ripples call you, Love
To go back home and sit still
Through questions and doubts.

ripples

i started learning spirituality from my father

that he made mistakes, yes but i still respect him as a human being who regretted his wrong doings then taught us how to dive in to the depth of our own selves

he was one of those teaching me that what we do is like an object falling on to surface of water; the heavier the gravity, the bigger and farther the ripples will occur

the volume and distance of the ripples will be affected by the weight of the falling object and also the stillness of the water….

…. analogically a still heart will be able to better catch subtle ripples than a moving heart can do

i hope i am gifted with good senses in a still heart so i don’t have to wait until something “bad” happens to stop my wrong/inappropriate actions/doings — in Javanese we can call it “janma limpad seprapat tamat”

Ripples

Learning, love, Poetic

Trace of a sweet heart
Resonates across the earth
With its clear fragrance.

ripples will not stop until edge of the lake and will reflect back to the source

No Doubt

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

No doubt is playing.
She finds this journey blessing.
No more pretending--

‘ve never stayed in this hotel before, rather unusual but there is a blessing in disguise; the hotel room i’m staying has dandelions at one of its corner — i take it as a confirmation to all my prayer, i’ve got no doubt anymore about this journey 💕 the outcome though is not in my control

Brewing Dreams

Learning, love, Poetic

These dreams are brewing,
Longing to see a meadow
Where flowers blossom.

heart is where the dreams brew before traveling to another heart that accepts them fully

only Wind can make it happen

thank you for giving me a lot of sleep recently so i can claim back my battery 💕

Sonnet of A Tiny Love

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Pondering where this tiny love story means,
Counting breathing through hope in highs and lows.
In I breath fragrance of rose, out jasmine.
How beautiful! No one but a key knows.

The breeze sometimes softly shakes the heartbeat.
The river flows tampering a quiet mind.
The fire ignites a heart that longs to meet.
Under the drizzle the sun warmly shines.

Beloved, is it you she's waiting for?
Is it her you're letting in your grand throne?
The cloud hanging disguises sweet flavor,
Or the flavor is love and love alone?

Love is beautiful with cloudy sweet dream.
If time allows, rain stops, be shown sunbeam.

there’s a girl within falling in love, a woman without daydreaming of love

be real, woman! the girl is as true as your love itself

never doubt your heart; trust your life

Softness

Learning, love, Poetic, Those People

She won't let go, Love
The softness and clarity
She's gained through tough years.

found it this morning and sent it to Ina and Novi, my bestfriends — humble human beings whose heart talks to me with blissful joy, i to them and would be on and on

thank you❣️

Goes Down On Her Knees, Prays

Learning, love, Poetic

Her heart aches,
She needs some medicine
And so she goes down on her knees and prays
For clarity.

She hopes soon her tips of fingers can touch clearly
Whether it is pulsating
Of better future
Or potentially repeated puncture.

Show me his way.

fastbreaking today — bismillah

i booked a table in my favourite Japanese resto as i wanted to enjoy their crab but no table was available at my preferred time

so i bought kanikama as the frozen crab was not available either in dondondonki

….randomly mixed it with whatever i had

i needed rice but not much time to cook it

…. ok

not bad at all to start this evening

japanese restaurant, see you on sunday

Falling In Love

Learning, love, Poetic

I asked myself about
Falling in love.

My brain said
Falling in love is scary.
I could not concentrate,
I dropped what I carried,
These tears came down miserably,
Dizzy, oh dizzy!

My heart said
Falling in love is beautiful.
I could imagine what was best,
I shared what I carried,
These tears came down happily,
Pretty, oh pretty!

My soul said
Falling in love is magical.
I could think beyond what was,
I multiplied what I carried to share,
These tears came down with no reason,
Willingly, oh willingly!

Someone said
Falling in love is inevitable.
It filled me when I was hungry,
It emptied me when I was full,
Do, just do
However dizzy or pretty, do it only willingly!

I checked who was the last speaker:
Damn! My stomach was smiling in glee.

scary, beautiful, magical and inevitable

Composed

Learning, love, Poetic, Those People

She's simply composed,
Not even shaken by storm.
Rooted to the earth--

My intuition works wonder when it comes to family esp mother, as if knowing when something wrong happens even no one informs me.

Yesterday I contacted my sister saying that mother might not be good. She said mother was ok and sleeping.

My gut said different. I contacted my cousin saying the same thing and she said “Yes, she fell and injured a bit on her chin and left hands.”

I happened to know later that my mother didn’t allow my sister to tell me about the incident.

I tried to digest the “lie” although the feeling inside was a mix of anger, disappointment, sadness, left behind at the same time relief that she was now ok.

This morning after a long meeting I called my mother. I really wanted to give her some “lecture” that she should be careful, should not do this or that and should let me know whatsoever happens to her. But I detered myself from doing so.

I know what I would say is something true but don’t want to hurt her motherly affectionate decision. I chose to accept her reason of not informing me: so my child can work with light heart.

My mother is one of the mentally strongest women I’ve known in life. None of people knowing her will say otherwise.

Once I joked around with her “Ibu, please pray that I don’t have to be as strong as you in life as when I’m as strong as you, it means I will have one most challenging of human life.”

She said “You can be stronger than me but don’t need to experience what I have in life. Trust your life.”

Yes, I do trust life will protect me from the harms.

I love you, Ibu. Thank you.

💕

Dear Life

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Do you know that the road I've taken is not what I wanted?
And do you know that this is the best I've experienced?

Yes, you know.

Thank you.

Yours truly,

One humble traveler breathing your blessings

Overflown

Learning, Poetic, This Person

I'm a room
Overflown with blessings.
Some visible,
Some unseen,
All undeniable--

this is where water, soil, air and fire show their potential in harmony, no collision

Release

Learning, Poetic

Release, Beloved
What's wished. Let it fly to find
Its way to go home.

this fragile dandelion is my favourite plant, it reminds me to release wishes to their way home, where they materialise their best potentials

💕

(picture from Pinterest)

Laughter

Learning, Poetic

Laughter's, Beloved
You radiate cheerfulness,
We all count blessings.

when you laugh, the dried grass comes alive

I Can’t Yet I Can

Learning, love, Poetic

I can't talk about
You all the time,
People will think I am crazy
Or crazy about
You.

But how can I
Stop thinking about
You, while obviously
You are everywhere
I am?

blaming why a plate seems empty but actually full of unseen material

aka

what is wanted is obvious, but there is no way — don’t blame the guest standing in front of the door, blame the host not responding to the greeting

Without Teacher

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

What am I
Without teacher?
A lost wanderer
Losing destination.

What am I
Without teacher?
A confused traveler
Losing guidance

What am I
Without teacher?
A dreamer
Losing inspiration.

What am I
Without teacher?
A human
Losing meaning.

What am I
Without teacher?
A Soul
Repeating the same mistakes.

Dear
Teacher,
You are born
For me
To be reborn
As me.

I'm grateful to
You.

Today’s lunch break was about a phenomenal chat with some teachers of life.

Thousands if not millions of teachers have taught me in life. There are some that I cherish the most today, those that have triggered me to make biggest decisions in life.

Thank you, dear teachers❣️

Bapak Merta Ada, he was the one teaching me to go within without doubt, without limit – “spread love and compassion”, his advice 🥹

Sister Zak, my Arabic teacher — she emphasised that what we read needs to be well understood first then pondered then can be interpreted (differently) — “be a responsible interpreter of the Quran for yourself, no one to blame when you make wrong interpretation or decision“, her advice

Aaron Cass, my mentor in Beshara School who helped me open most doors of freedom of responsibly being human through his amazing knowledge and wisdom about sufism and esp about Ibn Arabi & Rumi — “from now on whatever you do differently, never make it a new religion”, his advice

Ina, a best friend from high school whose action moved my soul: she left her brilliant career (at the same time I started mine in Singapore) without new career to take care of her parents for her sense of responsibility; she took care of her mother until she passed away, now she is taking care of her father; Ina, you are beautifully blessed — “let’s exchange stupid memes and videos”, her message

dear Ibu, i won’t let anyone hurt you — “work responsibly and take care”, her every morning’s advice

Vito, my dear nephew, “i will always love you and protect you forever”, his last message before he passed

the fire warden in the mirror, “have you smiled today?” my greeting to myself

Pleased, Guilty

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Pleased and guilty, love
Intertwine with her black hair,
Making some balance.
They will fall and get flushed out
When the root is weak or dried.

today’s dinner after work (from remote on Monday)

i started cooking almost all my meal in early 2020 when working from remote was applied due to the pandemic; since then i only eat out with colleagues, friends or visiting families or when i myself want to eat Japanese food (good Japanese food needs refined ingredients and high skill that can only happen in a pro place) — no one can cook my Indonesian food better than me 😀

i also started doing all household chores that were before done by a paid assistant

since then i don’t want to give up doing it, even if i have to stay up late i will do all by myself for self satisfaction — so pleased to be moving around at home

just yesterday my regular assistant finally requested to go back to take my weekly chores like before (since pandemic i only call her in emergency situation) — i could not say yes or no as it is not about money anymore although it is not a big expense to do (my mother will complain and say it is an act of ignorance — i’m sorry, Ibu 😘)

i’m still feeling guilty since i finally said no this morning, i told her that i might call her just for occasional need and include her in my meal list when i have something special in my kitchen 😘

i feel that giving up household chores is like giving up some part of my moving meditation

cooking, cleaning, gardening (small group of potted plants), laundry, etc give me sanctuary from routine at work — also honestly give me excuse to reject some (unnecessary) invitation from (unwanted) people

this guilt will be difficult to go away i know

but i prefer losing compliments rather than losing my sanity

💕

Listen to Heart

Learning, love, Poetic

I want to sit
Under the red leaves
Where only you
Can hear the songs
From this heart.

Listen to this heart
That can only whisper
To you afar about dreams
Of no words but eloquent
Of no light but bright.

Please hear me.
Here me.
I am here.
It is just here
Now.
Just one click of your message.

autumn is so romantic, composition of quiet garden and eloquent heart

Rhombusly Flying Kite (ranting)

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person

Five dots of a shape
Balance the soar, fly and land.
A flying rhombus--

I listened to a rebroadcast of #DVETSiaranPagi last evening and thought the discussion points are relevant with what I’ve seen around me: the love bombing, ghosting then missing, not true to self, etc. Thanks for discussing it! I’d like to reflect about myself on those. 💕

about (my falling in) love

Through time love in human being is still the same, a sprectrum of certain emotion quality expression that expands to different extremes, either one or the other extreme or both extremes in order to serve one’s own life and others’. One extreme is the lust-loaded love that imprisons and the other is compassion-loaded love that saves the world and true love as a balanced combination of both that liberates. (my personal opinion based on what I’ve learnt, unlearnt, relearnt — can be inaccurate and impermanent)

Expansion of service and love expression can be within or without the person depending on how the human being experiences life and responds to it. Some human beings build a unit of society (family, organization, community, village, etc) to feel the expansion of service, others don’t. Some can be expressive in love, some just hide emotion deep down. No right or wrong, it is a process of balancing horizontally and vertically –like flying a kite– that might be successful in here now or not.

In my age (late 40’s) if I am found out of falling in love (romantically) in my country, I can be cursed as “wanita gatal” (itchy woman) even if I don’t do any harm to others with my love. In fact what happens is simply an expansion of love — from loving myself to loving myself and another person. Lucky I live in a country where people don’t care about what’s not harming them. Thank you!

Romantic love very seldom perches on my emotion tree yet once it comes, it will not be something I will stop. I will just wisely manage the emotion as I never want to disturb the person I love especially when seeing there is no reciprocity and/or compatibility between us, hoping that this emotion fades away slowly gradually with as little harm as possible. Broken hearted is not nice. 🙃

I will show him from certain distance how I feel about him but I will make sure it won’t make him feel threatened. Yet who can control his reaction or response? This is where I am different from my passive friends on romance.

about love bombing

It is a new terminology for me yet I know very well that I experienced it in my relationship (the only one I had, ended in 2010): given all attention and gifts, promised with sugar-coated lies, got ghosted then left in despair. Oh, never again….

about love expression

I love poems and I love my Beloved, the only One most understanding me, the only One never leaving me in any situation and the One putting much love and compassion in my heart.

My mental body feels like a rhombus kite with 5 dots: the dot on top is my soul, the dots at the right and left are my thinking function and my feeling function, the dot at the bottom is my desire towards physical pleasure whatever it is (food, drink, jewelry, sex drive, etc) and the dot in the middle is my heart which is the balancing gravity of the 4 dots at the 4 points of rhombus (qolbu in Arabic). Only when all those 5 dots are interacting in balance then this rhombus kite can fly, soaring perfectly, riding the wind; that is when a human being is in a state of mindfullness or meditative. Rhombusly flying kite❣️

With my poem I will express all the love from those 5 dots. Sometimes I talk from the dot at the top. Sometimes from the dot at the bottom. Sometimes from 2 dots, 3 dots, 4 dots; and when I am aware of the true self, my poems are the love expression of my 5 dots.

People might think it is an exaggeration of love expression; many of my friends reading my poems said “kamu kasmaran nggak henti-henti ya, Rike?” translated into “are you constantly madly in love, Rike?” and that was why I hide the comment section so no one will have a chance to spit bad words about my love poems. Only some who know my journey will really understand. It doesn’t matter.

I saw love bombing although not as often; am I? I am showering my life and life surrounding me with love and compassion; and I am grateful for that. That some of the expression is aiming at someone (who eventually can feel it), I’m thankful and saying “You are safe, I am not love bombing you, this is a tiny love that I can offer.”

Without mentioning my crush name, I discussed my feeling with my best friend who unsurprisingly didn’t judge me yet she said “I restrict myself from loving a man, I don’t want to think about romance, I just want to retire happily” 😂 I didn’t continue the discussion as I never want to shake her feeling of security of being single.

Will I continue my love expression? With no doubt: yes, it is about being true to myself until time decides otherwise. If I don’t look true to others, so be it.

I won’t waste my time hating or worrying about being hated. I don’t either believe with “too much love will kill you”; it is too much lust that kills you.

My love flows like a river, (over)flows to the sea to unite with

You. Insya Allah.

about true to self

I express love more smoothly but when it comes to job, I don’t openly talk about it in social media or public because it contains NDA. Job to me is a dedication in life, in which I feel that my life is meaningful for and well utilised by the human beings in my walk of life. My job is about being true to my own self and true to the contract that I’ve signed. 💕

Dear Love,

I rest my case for now. I have to work.

Salaam.

So Light

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Dear
You,
Bless me
With true heart.
I surrender to
You.
No game with this heart,
I just want to walk slowly
Bringing this tiny love
So light.

revelation of light

Forgiveness

Learning, love, Poetic

Forgive me, dear love
For taking so long a time
To forgive you. You?

watching this video, i remember my mother said that it took so much forgiving and compromising between her and her husband

when i asked what biggest forgiveness each of them had given to each other, she said “many, i can’t summarise”

but she reminded me of one ridiculous thing happening to her hair

there was a traumatic incident between our parents that we will never forget; my mother doesn’t mind anymore sharing it with many — she said it was stupid act by both of them and others should not experience the same thing

once my father could not well control his anger and did something beyond imagination in front of his children; he shaved my mother’s hair bald just because of jealousy; for the next several months my mother had to wear wig to work and social functions until her hair grew back up to certain length — she said if she could explain more elaborately and he would listen more patiently, it would not have happened

when we all got older, we liked jokingly mentioning that incident to our parents, Bapak would smirk and explain that it was a misunderstanding; Ibu would only say “love is blind and sometimes idiot” then both of them laughed 😝

now she would always advise us to know when we are angry and take some minutes to breathe before taking unnecessary action

she told me that my father could tolerate things except when it came to men; he could be irresponsibly and unreasonably jealous to men talking in friendly manner with my mother

i asked again who apologised more and who forgave more?

she said it was always easy to forgive him as he would do his very best to fix issues but she also said that she would make it difficult for him to apologise – alamak

when i asked her why she did so, she said that she wanted to always win 😂

today i called my mother and asked what she feels when she remembers that handsome kind man, she said “I should have been kinder and made it easier….”

so sweet!

“….but he should have said the same thing about me”

eh?