graphs of my Universe
When I feel helpless,
I will recite
Your loveliest verses
And send them as gifts
To those closest to my heart, whose life
Is a dedication to parents with
Love equivalent as what they received at childhood.
I am here, now
And lucky
So I shall share love
How subtle it has been.
Dear, Beloved.
Please accept my hollow heart for
You to fill with love,
And love only
How hard it has been.
i wish my ripples are of love and love only
Where's home, Beloved?
Between colours in rainbow
Gliding where you are--
What will the sun do?
Bring fresh life
Then maybe
Erase the life dry.
Is it nature of a destroyer?
No, Beloved.
It is a nature of paradox:
Sun refreshes, sun dulls.
Love rekindles, love terminates.
i saw this water lily blooming happily under the sun then the following week was swept by the scorching sun that gulped all water in its environment; i thought the sun destroyed the flower but actually pushing the cycle to proceed — paradoxical life
what a relief
💕
There's something living forever
Young and energetic
Within,
Resisting to mature up,
Insisting to cheer up,
Refusing to touch up,
Singing down the path
With one old song
About a flowing river
To the sea
Peacefully unstoppable.
My innocent evergreen--
tompi jazzy
calm jazzy
the classic
reminding me of high school when i was so crazy about singing keroncong 😁
my placenta was let flow on a clay jar accompanied by flowers and other Javanese ceremonial items to Bengawan Solo; just its name this river shakes my heart, reminding me to keep flowing
matur sembah nuwun, Bengawan Solo
matur sembah nuwun, Pak Gesang
There's serenity
Under the dim light at night.
About I miss you--
dim light decorating night
Brewing dream, dear love
Is tea and water in kettle
And temperature.
tea leaf brewed with cinnamon this afternoon
chamomile tea brewed this morning
It' slow and steady,
Snails throw a party with me.
Everyone's happy.
look at how they party: slow and steady, they didn’t stop climbing up the plant but i didn’t see their movement but suddenly one was already up on one leaf — fascinating nature
Flow, Beloved
To where love brings
You.
There was a steep rock,
You fell again.
This time it might take longer
To flow calm.
Believe there won't be time dilation
And journey will be just fine.
nothing, it’s just a flowing river enjoying her journey
🤍
This flower blooms
In a hottest day,
In a beautiful garden,
In a cold hallway.
It just blooms
No matter what.
Just bloom
And come what may.
my driver dropped me in the wrong gate yesterday and just drove away; he drives very well but doesn’t understand English (yes, he is a driver not a tour guide 😁) yet it was a blessing in disguise: i walked a bit and met these flowers on the way — beauty greets me everywhere when my heart is light
red roses in the hotel courtyard, tantalising colour
a pot of orchid, to the lift
What's death, Beloved?
A gate to a new garden
Where new game's waiting.
Just last week I made a plan to apply for a new MacBook as mine is 5 years old, 2 years longer than the replacement timeline. This MacBook worked wonder but with the heavy work I wanted to make her retire and use a new one.
Most of my friends know I treat some machines in my life as human beings: I give them names, talk to them, touch them like they are my babies. Although technically I don’t take care or them well: I don’t clean the Mac keyboard regularly, I don’t pump Blue and Red’s tyres regularly, I don’t always dust my luggages before putting them back to the dust bags, etc.
Today my MacBook that I planned to replace with a new one went on strike. It didn’t turn on the whole day. Her turning off really turned me off. I did all steps to turn her on with no result. The host IT guy gave up. Everyone tried all things possible with no result. We did even one silly thing: sunbathing the Mac next to the window, nothing happened.
When time comes with death, no one can prolong any life.
Maybe a coincidence, today one of my cousins passed away. He was such a fun brother to all of us; a wise man who lived his life to the fullest. His nuclear family is lucky to have them, we extended family are, too. Happy journey, Mas❣️ You are blessed so no need to worry. See you again.
thank you for these tough years
This pool is too calm
A dust can cause a big wave.
Chaotic minutes--
sometimes i behave too strongly at work and don’t want to bring the strength to my personal life
unlike in professional life, in personal life i don’t use complex strategies for my plan and goal, i just do things with kindness with a bit of control to protect myself from being cheated
life might be called chains of transaction but in personal life my trade is trade of kindness, i lend and give with kindness without expecting to be repaid — or else, i will not lend or give; i was cheated a lot but i learnt my lesson yet still the only strategy (if i am forced to admit that i am having strategy) is avoidance strategy — again in personal life
consequently i will feel scared or overwhelmed with someone (that i deal in personal life) showing or demonstrating emotion that i usually apply when negotiating at work: cold, no empathy, poker face, intimidating, arrogant, winning all games and the like
this early morning i experienced one and it affected my whole day — i felt like i wanted to curl; the only thing making me survive the day was that i was working and i needed to keep myself professionally composed
what a heavy day personally today, thanks God my colleagues and business counterparts didn’t pay much attention to my expression except one person asking “today you must be tired walking almost 4 hours, you look pale”
there must be a lesson i need to learn in my personal life
💗
My love is ripples,
Humble and calm.
Maybe you want waves,
Pushing and high.
Should I turn these ripples
To waves?
Give me an ocean, not a lake.
ripples on a standing water as waves on the ocean; i might be in a wrong realm
💗
Fragrant, Beloved
Is you when I am breathing.
Do you deny it?
i’ve loved perfume since i was teenager
the range of fragrance i love is wide, i have no definition of what fragrance i prefer or not — i just like it or not like it after sniffing it
Music, Beloved,
A borderless escapade
Of this heart that sings--
sometimes i just want to explode when other people criticise me as if ones had the utmost knowledge to sort which soul goes to hell or heaven
!
life of life…. lucky i have good hearing to let music enter my realm of sound and space
while listening to music, i let music absorb what i can’t tell human beings to or about
dear life, make me someone who listens to music of universe and utters good things even when this heart gets murky as muddy water
💗
What size of life do I want?
Any size as long as
It is ordinary:
Where big is not too big,
Small is not too small,
It is just right.
I want an ordinary life
Where my closest know well enough
My love and kindness guards
Me against betrayal.
I want an ordinary life
Where the farthest know well enough
Their hatred and ignorance keeps
Them away from me.
I thank you, my ordinary life
You make blessings extraordinary.
today’s breakfast: a big bowl of konjac noodle soup with chicken breast + carrot + bonito flake, a medium bowl of fruit and a small bowl of rendang — all in the right size….
…. and chocolate, the ordinary that turns my life extraordinary
Vantage points, dear self
Splitting visions to see things
Comprehensively.
problem solving sometimes best happens when i see things from different perspectives
My best, Beloved,
Is now here staying with me.
The self loved by me
Never leaves, never betrays.
Born, living, will die with me--
pho-bo for last night’s dinner with extra ngogai leaves is still the best
my host gave me pho-bo on hotpot — not the best, yet pho never fails me in Vietnam
chicken pho with extra ngogai leaves — good but pho is best with beef
Are you the star I point with my finger?
Or are you the one that disappears in a blink of my eye?
Are you the star that will reappear tomorrow night?
Or are you the one that smiles at me then ghosts away?
You are still a star.
which one are you?
Humble beauty, love
Is found anywhere with eyes
Naked, no glasses.
i saw this
and this
and this
and this
i feel love is just everywhere incl in the wild grass and ordinary tree around me
thank you
Beauty, Majesty
Both in me--
I'm predictable,
I'm throwing surprises,
Both simply reflecting
One whole me.
If you don't want one side,
You won't either get the other.
yin-yang, duality in unity, union in separation, jamal and jalal of asmaul husna, beauty and majesty, masculine and feminine, etc; you name it — it is a perfection in an imperfect human being
what do you expect from a human being but two sides of a coin, beloved?
💗
Joy is contagious
Spreading through fungi,
Growing under the ground,
Connecting stations of interest on earth,
Glowing through memories, hopes and dreams.
if i happened to be in Jogja today, i would have loved to be there too to meet with these announcers whom i listen almost every morning to start my day; their joyful moment was contagious though so even not joining, i could feel the joy!
i wish you health and joy everyday so you can share good things longer and more
💗
Happiest birthday
To my sacred woman,
Mother.
Please always give
Another year
Every year
For us to pay.
i used to have a difficult relationship with my mother, very difficult; whatever i did was just not acceptable — my choice was her rejection, always
one year to reconcile i asked her to go for major pilgrimage with me but she rejected saying that she was too weak to do (even i offerred the shortest period); but she agreed for a minor pilgrimage — it was to me a cauldron of patience test, and i think the same for her; but we both started to know what was the knot in the rope
i never knew how jealous a mother can be to a daughter who is close to her husband until that day when she said to me “your father loved you more than loved me” — i was very close to my father and now i knew why she wondered why; we both know and accept it now
starting that year our relationship was getting easier and easier until 2018 we were in the peak — i was in my third worst argument in my life with her (1st when i refused to marry a man chosen by her, 2nd when she disagreed with my romance that eventually ended)
since then we started to learn gradually that there was a big misconception about mother-daughter relationship
a mother who thinks that her daughter is a possession should let go; a daughter who wants total freedom should slow down — there shall be a middle way where balance is achieved
and it worked; our relationship is getting better and better — we get along very well, we are relaxed in treating each other
do i love it? yes, except that she will contact me every single day to ask me how i am 🤪
happy 80th birthday, Ibu; thank you for being my mother — hope we clean our karma in this life so when we meet again, everything is going smoothly 😘
i love you the way i do you
you know i will never let anyone hurt you
💗
Can you hear my voice
Calling many names in pain?
They are all your names.
Take a sweet glance to this heart,
Can you see face that's not you?
Love is a mountain.
Stands still?
It does but it moves too to balance the center of Mother Earth.
No doubt.
Gives much?
It does but it sweeps too to clean what does not belong to the era.
No doubt.
Saves water?
It does but it stops flowing water to respond to destroyed roots.
No doubt.
Does good?
It does but it harms too to protect the heart of life, love itself.
No doubt.
Embraces beauty?
It does but it embraces scars and wounds too to celebrate journey and age.
No doubt.
My love is a mountain.
No doubt.
Mount Merapi (also Candrageni), Yogyakarta – i so much miss home i cry
💗
Life seems effortless
As it's flowing river
To the sea.
All with love--
all with love — today’s breakfast
I love my sweet dreams
Who have cheered me every nights
And then forgotten.
Dear dreams, travel find your home.
I'm here to see you smiling.
fly happily, let me enjoy my day, waiting for you to call me saying “i’m home”
What twig, Beloved,
Gives this heart strength to hang in?
A twig full of love--
(from Pinterest)
Sunday, Beloved
Repeats itself as a space
To explore for love.
misro = amis di jero (sweet inside, Sundanese language)
combro = oncom di jero (oncom inside, Sundanese language)
misro before deep fried
sometimes i am amazed with my ability and patience in the kitchen 🤪
put a layer of dough then put some sugar in then cover it with the dough around the sugar
grated gula aren = palm sugar
for combro the filling should be oncom but there is no oncom in Singapore so i replaced it with tempe (tempeh)
grated cassava and grated coconut, mixed
cassava, palm sugar in its original wrap, tempe
Your heart, Beloved,
Is yours. We though share one soul
Bonding us for good.
I send love to your heart while
The soul hugs us forever.
everything looks beautiful when seen with love
this is one of 6 stems of orchids celebrating life before they dry out some time later, reminding me to keep sharing love and compassion until my existence changes dimension
thank you, dear orchids
Forgiveness, my love
Blooms among showers of love
Coming out of love.
I became very upset yesterday after listening to some statements that in my perspective was sarcastic and on the contrary to what I personally saw. Most people laughed though.
Then what came across my mind was that person was trying to tell me secretly through a “townhall” that I was not the chosen one. It is normal to be excluded or canceled or rejected/ but should be with dignity not giving silent treatment; and with consistent treatment not “saying this here, giving hidden messages there”– personal or professional, that is not a right way to treat people.
My day was so ruined. What made it worse was a heavy rain came unpredictably that I had to travel longer from Johor to Singapore because of traffic growing jammed in both countries’ immigration gates.
But then I talked to myself last night. What is so special about me that I should be the chosen one? Why not accepting what was securely? Why was so upset to statements that might have been intended to tell me the truth? Hurting truth is better than late one, right? Or what about if that was just a way to tell jokes?
It took me long to re-digest the why: I was using the 5-Why method to trace back possible root causes with no result.
Out of the blue an iMessage with a beautiful song came from a Coldplay lover saying that it was sent to me because the song reminded that person of me. Wow! What a coincidence! Exactly when the iMessage came, I was playing exactly the same song sent to me.
And that the song reminded that person of me must have had a reason: maybe the quality of either the music or lyrics of the song is so me? 🥹
Why this song? Maybe the song vibe represents my “feeling good and like falling in love all the time”. Hmm…. This must be something.
I opened the Holy Book randomly and got another good vibe; a verse started with a sentence: “hold to forgiveness”.
What a stroke of good colours has been thrown to me!
Ok, my day!
I will do all my laundry and house cleaning chores today, cook my breakfast and eat it happily, then go to sleep like a log tonight then tomorrow I will walk 5 kilometers in the morning or go biking 11 kilometers in the afternoon.
Yosh❣️
Thank you, Gusti Allah….
I forgive myself. I forgive others. I forgive myself for letting my mind be filled with negativity about myself and others. I forgive others who have been so out of context or being ignorant.
What song sent by that Coldplay heavy lover? Here it is.
thank you, KM-san! i think you’re right that i deserve to be a heart full of love and a person spreading good feelings
i don’t want to give up; i’ve worked hard to shape a loving heart up to this level — will never let go of my true self
❣️
rike jokanan 
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