ranting – rike jokanan

Cracked (ranting)

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person

Don’t crack under pressure. Maybe only “that watch” can do that; while most including human beings definitely crack under certain pressure like ceramics that can even break simply because of some delicate qualities that should crack to let some component of life lessons enter the inner realm of the pressurised persona.

I don’t mind cracking under certain pressure as long as life lessons can smoothly diffuse themselves into the liquid vortex within. Then as gold in kintsugi, they mend what’s cracked leaving golden map showing myself where to find a way of acceptance & letting go.

If I don’t crack, I will always look perfect with no guilt splashed, no criticism slashing, no confrontation exercising, no discussion & argument heated then calming, no accountability assessed. Looking perfect as a being accumulate some layers of avoidance to make mistakes, emotional exhaustion, failure of focused self reflection, forced compatibility even within self, self centernedness. Oh no! I prefer being an imperfect persona in front of many rather than being a looking perfect with so much burden within.

Being imperfect doesn’t mean I’m bad. It just shows me that I’m a human being and it’s fine to look ugly sometimes. As a human being I want to be vulnerable so I can be as playful as possible genuinely; so I can speak my truth with ease in a sweet way; so I can love other human being with no shame; so I can be as imperfect as nature wishes me to be outside my work (hallooow at work I need to be perfectly doing what I’m assigned for sure)!

If only I can directly tell some of human beings I know how perfect you’ve been looking and you need to stop being perfect, I’ll tell you wholeheartedly while assuring that you are free to be you the condition that you agree to heal together with no pretense and that you agree to be true to life.

Dear humans, you’re a ceramics not that watch that won’t crack under pressure. You deserve to be kintsugi decorated with golden map showing love where to flow.

Yes, I love to get answered as an answer is like lacquer reassembling cracked ceramics and yes I give myself answer because I deserve vulnerability, my own vulnerability; truth, my own truth; honesty, my own honesty– with love and respect.

Yes and I’ll let my heart crack again with better understanding and acceptance why it should crack then let life apply kintsugi on me.

Life is just like that…. 💙☺️🌻

this is me, imperfect & vulnerable as I’m kintsugi

☺️

kintsugi in a nutshell

Locked

Learning, Poetic, This Person

It's locked, Beloved.
Hiding from those not wanted,
Enjoying close doors.

I put my Instagram account back to private from being public. I am not a public figure and not selling anything so why should it be in public mode?

Actually when being public, the account started getting random people following me (although I removed them right away). Not those I wish to follow me 😁

WordPress is still the best platform where I can rant about the public policy and service in my country without being questioned “why are you talking about thing you don’t know?” and whisper about my silent journey within.

Needing some time to stay submerged–

wanting my back garden door in this colour 😍 the one between Japanese garden and the back yard

How Clear? (Language #1)

Learning

How clear, Beloved
Do messages show to you?
As clear as clear glass--

About language that is claimed to make things clarified. My ranting just now…..

Language is a tool in the form of spoken, signed/gestured or written symbols structured and agreed by a group of human beings and used by them to communicate and express opinions, emotions, experiences. In the growth language is also to reflect cultural and social identity.

Once I wrote that language is logic of a nation. The way a nation structures the language proves the way one positions itself before nature or other human beings. That’s why the first person is using a capital letter (I) in English in which individuality is prioritised, while formal form of second person is Anda (with a capital letter A) in Bahasa Indonesia in which individuality is second prioritised in a group. It also explains why some language categorise their nouns into genders (male, female), while other language don’t. Do you know why Subject is less important than Predicate that the doer won’t be mentioned in a sentence? Why do some languages have level of honorific (Javanese has 3 levels), while others don’t? Logic of a nation is introduced as early as how the nationals speak the idea: through language. How interestingly do Eskimo have many words for “snow” of different form, time, size; as the Arab have many words for “horse” of different type, movement, emotion, sound of gallops, etc?

The logic of a nation aka language is indeed born through the interaction of nature, culture, nurture!

I wonder though how well a language can convey a message. Which language can convey the message the most clearly? Is it the one with the best grammar? Is it the one with the most vocabulary? Is it the one with the most beautiful intonation? Is it the oldest one? Is it the simplest one like binary code? Which one?

Maybe each language excel in one subject. English and German excel for science. Arabic and Javanese excel for literature. Language with script like Sanskrit, Japanese and Chinese excel in developing strong cognitive with their intricate writing. And so on. Please don’t quote my limited knowledge and analysis that is based on my limited education.

As much as I admire those who master many languages, I still doubt if they can convey their emotion clearly and honestly through the logic of their nations. Maybe scientifically and logically they can speak or write about something. Yet there is one deep emotion that will fail all languages in many occasions.

What can fail any language? LOVE.

Look at Rumi. Do you think Rumi talks about his wife? No. He talks about divine love. But can Rumi stop others to use his poems and quotes to admire other human beings. No. Freedom of expression. Unclear boundary, failure of accuracy. Dishonesty. Honesty.

How would you trust the sentence “I love you” even if someone truly loves you with no reason? How would love be conveyed with language if “I admire you” can’t even convince the other?

Yes. In general language is a tool to convey messages; but in some cases language is a blocker of a true message.

Some message won’t be strong enough articulated in any language but silence.

Silence is truly the highest level of communication.

Again please don’t quote me because I didn’t review my writing before uploading: typo and immature thought is everywhere.

❣️

About Believing (ranting)

Learning, love, This Person

Doubt and trust, my love,
Between which I wait for you
To sing a love song.

While knowing makes me clearly decide what to do, believing keeps me walking even when it’s pitch black or blinding bright.

Believing is not about taking something with evidences. Believing is taking things for granted as there is no choice while I should keep on. As long as evidence is not yet well presented, it’s believing, not knowing.

What do I believe most in life? That there is only one able to help me, the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love, you. Yet I’m shaken now & then by what’s called doubt. Doubt moves the graphic of trust up & down which is normal as said by a master “the faith is up & down”.

In uncertainty, do I still believe of salvation? Yes, I believe in salvation as I don’t know if it is happening or not. At the same time I make space for doubt so I’m humanely questioning myself whether I’m doing well in clarifying the ways. There’s something I miss when in doubt & the space in which I miss always gives me hope, a feel of falling in love with something that I believe will drop wisdom to the heart.

How beautiful the collaboration of belief & doubt is! It ignites love. Love is an eternal flame that sparkles dancing depending on how trust & doubt tango. Without the existence of both, love will look like a marble slab: cold, hard, mute; while a flame: warm, soft, dynamic.

I know in order to keep love & wisdom rekindling as long as I live, I’ve got to believe in the one I often call beloved, my love, dear love or you that sometimes resides so deep in Him or Me.

What a rant!

at that age (below 30) I believed that all were good with lil doubt and as a result I was cheated, lied to but at the same time I gained kindness, endurance and silence

now? kindness, carefree, clarity as these 3 are most needed to live a human being’s life lightly and genuinely

my formula, not applied to all

keep believing that love prevails

😊

1 Kakak 7 Ponakan (movie)

Learning

Disclaimer: It is not a movie review. It is an impression told with a limited basis and personal preference.

This movie is about a man who is willingly taking the responsibility to raise 5 kids who are left by their parents (a couple passing away, the other couple divorced) and 2 other irresponsible adults.

Moko (the 1 Kakak that means one older brother), an architect, decides to delay his dream of becoming a successful architect and his love life in order to ensure all the five kids (in short two nephews and 3 nieces) are well taken care of. When two adults joined the folk, the five kids turns to seven that makes “7 Ponakan” literally meaning “7 nephews and nieces”.

It is with happy ending although it seems that the family should work hard for bright future. The happy end is Moko reunites with the family with a clearer reconciliation of what to do to be a family and find the love (who is always her from the start).

A sandwich generation is what’s portrayed in the movie in which someone has to bear the family “burden” that is not supposed to be his. A younger brother takes care of his sister’s children plus another sister and her husband.

It is normal in Asian culture especially to middle to lower class society. Siblings finance other siblings for education. Aunts or uncle do like Moko. And so on.

The movie leaves me in awe on how a family is redefined, how the movie is produced (I don’t know though about cinematography so let’s skip it) and how the original story is composed with high complexity of sadness over sadness (this movie was a TV series back in 90’s, adapted from a story written by an Indonesian prominent author, Arswendo Atmowiloto).

As part of sandwich generation I consider this movie acts as a strong reminder that sandwich generation is an important part of a society.

If proportioned to the productive age population in Indonesia of 206 million, an estimated 56 million people fall into the sandwich generation category. In terms of age, the Indonesian sandwich generation is spread across all generations, from generation Z, Y, X, to baby boomers. (Kompas.id)

I like processing data to some extent but about this movie I am more interested in how to perceive sandwich generation from personal point of view rather than from socioeconomic that might complicate my opinions.

Back then I was angry knowing I was part of those needing to take the “burden” but then I learnt that life has chosen me to take the burden as a responsibility with many good reasons. Although I’m born into an economically decent family, life is so dynamic twisting the plot and tada! I’m a sandwich generation.

Although I feel bad about some people who has to be sandwich generation when they themselves in unfortunate situation like Moko; I still think those economically decent should have some sort heart to willingly help those needing genuine assistance.

Sandwich generation is not only tested with the responsibility itself (many stories tell about how they struggle with debts and uncertain future) but also with the way the support is responded. Some are thankful to supporter (sandwich generation) but others feel more need to enjoy success leaving the past untouched. I found that their being thankless is not a bad thing spiritually for the supporter, it is a good thing for the sandwich generation to train how to value their own self regardless. Is it easy? No! Yet life is to purify human beings’ intention to be decently kind. Please excuse me if I’m called “so pathetic and irresponsible” for saying so; however, when that’s the only choice, are you going to run away?

How did I watch the movie? I cried and laughed in almost 130 minutes of the show, while my friend slept (she was not interested in the movie, just wanted to hang out with me that very day).

There are some quotes I love the most from this movie.

There is nothing called debt in our own home. There is nothing called “fighting alone”.
As human beings who love, let’s fight for one another.

No matter how kind you are, you won’t be able to help everyone.

The soundtrack songs also all my favourite from Sal Priadi.

Kita Usahakan Rumah Itu

Besok Kita Pergi Makan

Mesra-mesraannya kecil-kecilan dulu

Just like Maurin (Moko’s love), I don’t continue being melancholic though as I am fully aware Moko (the sandwich generation in the family) also needs to ensure his own happiness. Moko just needs to know balance.He knows he can lead the family but he also needs to distribute responsibilities based on capability and accountability in the family.

To me the movie shows a learning journey on how to love, to trust each other, to share, to fight with integrity, and balance perspectives and emotion in different situations.

It is one best Indonesian movie that I recommend to all age groups and all socioeconomic status.

How I wish this movie and those involved be appreciated with many awards and prizes in high profile festivals.

1 Kakak 7 Ponakan: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Highly Recommended!

Anger (ranting)

Learning, Those People

This experience explains to me why I avoid preaching through concluded statements; it explains to me why I prefer sharing my experience while stating what lessons I’ve learnt through it and let my interlocutors deal with their own thoughts.

I saw a short YouTube video about “how to avoid anger” and said to myself “Ok! I can do it easily! A piece of cake!”

Dropped by the driver in KLCC, I headed to my favourite brand for corduroy pants and skirt. There won’t be time to get them in Singapore because of back to back trips until mid Dec. And the 10% discount as a tourist; what a lure.!

also these books from Kinokuniya 😍

Walking back to hotel prancing, I decided to continue some minor work (no workouts, enough with 4231 steps today and new books to scan before skimmed later) when a call from an unknown Malaysia number came in.

….

“Hello, Ma’am. Good evening. I’m Z the storekeeper in dadada…… I undercharged you by MYR360…. Where are you now?….. Can you come back to our store?….. But I need to close tonight….. Please help me….. I will send the payment link to your email. What is your email?….”

Long story short, I paid. Fact: she is younger than me, she spoke as if I made the mistake, she told me to come back to KLCC, not negotiable for me to come back tomorrow….

Lady, you undercharged me not because I intended to underpay you. Your mistake and yours only. Her tones in the call ruined my good impression about the pretty ex flight attendant.

I was about to rant to her with professional comments when I remembered the video I watched. Damn!

🤭

this person’s message: tips to avoid anger: think before talking: count to 10 before talking (due to bad mood) to younger, count to 30 to those at the same age, 50 to those older, count continuously to wife without talking, no need to count just talking to the husband

😂

i counted to many even though she is younger and it was her mistake

bloody hell! it is definitely not easy to not be angry to someone who annoys me

😝

This explains why delaying responses is important. This explains why I don’t really enjoy concluded statements outside work. This explains why I prefer telling stories and sharing my lessons learnt. This explains why I really want to shut up starting tomorrow except at work or to my nieces and nephews.

I don’t want to be slapped by my own words!

Damn, Beloved! 😂

Rendezvous and Rare Chat (ranting)

Learning, love, This Person, Those People

I went out for dinner at the last night stay in Hanoi with some old friends (all auditors I met before I joined this company) and our conversation like always went astray, this time to Q&A about why some of us are singles after 40.

Among 11 of us going, 4 are singles and only I am open to marriage, the other 3 just want to have temporary partnership or commitment without marriage. And so I became the center of discussion; curiosity at its highest season. 😁

Friend (F): At your age, you still want marriage?!!!

Me (M): Yes. That’s the only committed romance I want when a man approaches me. I don’t need a long dating before marriage either.

F: But you’re a romantic type who will need sparks to bloom first before marriage.

M: I will not let a man approach me if I don’t have a spark. Or, if I sense he is just playing around, I will buy strong eraser to erase my sparks immediately. I don’t want to be broken hearted again. The rule is no sh*t, no one between us.

F: So rigid! Put some fun!

M: Marriage is a commitment so I need to make it true and real from the start with some fun. The full fun can wait and it is forever. Am I right, hey married friends? (Most of them agreed; a few of them complained about the boredom of being with only one partner.)

a heavily-romantic song from Sal Priadi that might depict a definition of romance to me 😁

F: I wonder what kind of man you are attracted to.

M: No particular.

F: Must be Muslim?

M: No. I stopped talking about religion since forever. A man with religion is not a guarantee, based on my long observation.

F: Handsome?

M: As long as someone is a man, I can call him handsome.

F: Rich?

M: Not necessarily but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have enough resource to take care of his family. I don’t want someone from a family that has tendency to overestimate its own and underestimate others. Socioeconomic charisma in society is never my criteria. My criteria is simply stable protection; I don’t look for high profile family.

F: So, what type do you want? Seems humble but you are actually picky!

M: Why are you irritated by my preference?

F: I mean you are 49, don’t you think you need to simplify your criteria?

M: I have done it and I only have 5 main criteria.

F: Name them, lady.

It was funny that I felt life became so roomy when I was able to tell who I am to other human beings without forcing.

M: 1. Sexually straight — I respect LGBTQ++ but I don’t want to be in a romance with them. 2. Not abusive verbally, paychologically and especially physically — abuse is never good, 3. Loyal to me then his and my families — 4. Independent including in making decision for himself and later him and me, 4. Responsibly hardworking.

F: Why hardworking? Smart working no?

M: I don’t know what smart working is, maybe it is just another tyoe of hard working. I saw my father, a hardworking man who took care of his family to the best he could. He might not have been able to make us super rich family but he never gave up. He was a responsible man by being hardworking. We are respected because my father had dignity in his life. No lazy man is welcomed.

F: I am lazy at the weekends, Rike.

M: And you are seriously married. A good combination to a no.

There were other questions but not shareable here. Too private and personal 😎

F: Do you feel lonely?

M: I am not except in a long biz trip like this. Hotel room never feels home after one week for me. When I am home, I never ever feel lonely; I love staying home with or without company.

F: I pray for you.

M: For what?

F: To marry your true love.

M: Thank you! (Funny to accept the prayer from the atheists; so officially that day I started believing that all human beings believe in a power beyond life, some just don’t find the right concept they can accept.)

We enjoyed the chicken claws that tasted much more delicious that evening because of our conversation. Laughter and beer (for me no beer) made the short rendezvous worth goldbars. Then we travelers walked back to our hotels and residents drove back home.

I love my friends! They don’t judge my choice how much ever different it could be.

Be happy, dear friends. See you in our next rendezvous!

to my true love, i am saying hi to you before you arrive,

but if you don’t, do believe that i’m ok with or without you

💕

Forgiveness (ranting)

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Forgiveness, my love
Blooms among showers of love
Coming out of love.

I became very upset yesterday after listening to some statements that in my perspective was sarcastic and on the contrary to what I personally saw. Most people laughed though.

Then what came across my mind was that person was trying to tell me secretly through a “townhall” that I was not the chosen one. It is normal to be excluded or canceled or rejected/ but should be with dignity not giving silent treatment; and with consistent treatment not “saying this here, giving hidden messages there”– personal or professional, that is not a right way to treat people.

My day was so ruined. What made it worse was a heavy rain came unpredictably that I had to travel longer from Johor to Singapore because of traffic growing jammed in both countries’ immigration gates.

But then I talked to myself last night. What is so special about me that I should be the chosen one? Why not accepting what was securely? Why was so upset to statements that might have been intended to tell me the truth? Hurting truth is better than late one, right? Or what about if that was just a way to tell jokes?

It took me long to re-digest the why: I was using the 5-Why method to trace back possible root causes with no result.

Out of the blue an iMessage with a beautiful song came from a Coldplay lover saying that it was sent to me because the song reminded that person of me. Wow! What a coincidence! Exactly when the iMessage came, I was playing exactly the same song sent to me.

And that the song reminded that person of me must have had a reason: maybe the quality of either the music or lyrics of the song is so me? 🥹

Why this song? Maybe the song vibe represents my “feeling good and like falling in love all the time”. Hmm…. This must be something.

I opened the Holy Book randomly and got another good vibe; a verse started with a sentence: “hold to forgiveness”.

What a stroke of good colours has been thrown to me!

Ok, my day!

I will do all my laundry and house cleaning chores today, cook my breakfast and eat it happily, then go to sleep like a log tonight then tomorrow I will walk 5 kilometers in the morning or go biking 11 kilometers in the afternoon.

Yosh❣️

Thank you, Gusti Allah….

I forgive myself. I forgive others. I forgive myself for letting my mind be filled with negativity about myself and others. I forgive others who have been so out of context or being ignorant.

What song sent by that Coldplay heavy lover? Here it is.

thank you, KM-san! i think you’re right that i deserve to be a heart full of love and a person spreading good feelings

i don’t want to give up; i’ve worked hard to shape a loving heart up to this level — will never let go of my true self

❣️

Secrecy (ranting)

Learning, This Person

I thought of since when I became so secretive. The answer is since I was young when “betrayal was unbearable” and as time goes by my guard has become higher and higher. Since then friend is just to share my good vibes and fun until now. Talking to best friends means talking about politics, ordinary people’s memes and videos; only three celebrities can be our serious topic of discussion: Dian Sastro (without doubt our sweetheart), Nicholas Saputra (her sweetheart) and Keanu Reeves (mine); other celebs are not important to us– more drama, less achievement. No love life sharing, no nothing❣️I prefer listening to being listened to.

I only have one bestfriend that I share more about my difficulty dealing with my mother ☺️ — mother-daughter relationship is very unique: so much true love at the same time some shade of jealousy. I don’t share too many problems to mother; I want to make her retirement peaceful and easy so everyday she js texting me at (my) 3am (her 2am) to inform me that she is going to pray for me and my siblings for so and so and later at (my) 5am (her 4am) to “Hello, my dear. Hope today your work is smooth and blessed. Always believe in God. Are you fasting? What’s the plan to cook for dinner?” The same routine from her and I will either text or call her at (my) 6am after morning prayer. I do my best to make mother laugh — my best story-teller ibu 😘😘😘

Ooops! What triggered me to think of being secretive? I work in a company where secret and being secretive is always listed #1 in working on projects. Keep it secret. Keep it low key. Confidential. NDA. Black project. Need to know basis. I have no idea. I am not in the team. Sorry I can’t share it with you. And the like, name it. “Shut up” is my daily routine. Ju….st before this lunch break I was reminded (for how many times heaven knows) to instruct my field team to sign several NDA before visiting some sites. Voila! And so I write!

Yes, being secretive is applied to my personal and professional life so it is never difficult to lock my mouth to anyone. Believe me or not; not many people know in what company I work — and that doesn’t matter. Not important where I am sitting, it is more important what I’ve contributed with what I’ve done– although the contribution is not publicly announced. I am highly trained to be a humble person– YES, I AM (oh…. this is not being humble by declaring being humble hahaha…). And a highly trained person to not meddle on others’ personal affairs. Public affairs are exempted as they affect my well being as a citizen and as a human being. 😁

My friends asked if it is not tiring to be secretive. No. It is as simple as closing the door of my house; locking my trunk everytime going out from hotel room, securing my Mac in the locked trunk when leaving without it, discarding my diaries when they are full (my diaries are writing and drawing), and making my social media account private.

The last one (making my social media account private) has been violated by myself. After archiving a lot of photos that mostly relate to my leisure activities with colleagues, my solo travel fun and my other activities with significant engagement from friends, I finally opened my instagram account with only 10% of the original to appear. Furthermore, I heard instagram will treat copyright of photos and videos like Facebook does so I plan to finally delete the archived as well.

Why opening instagram account to public?

My best friend told me to make a book review some time ago as we both like reading and she thought that my mind deserves some disclosure (although I should be careful because sometimes my thinking can cause discrimination and hatred against me). I want to train myself to show to public the external skin of my personality before finally sharing my book review. At least public should have a context of me aside from seeing my review; only those true self I will allow to know me better and best.

When will I share my book review? Damn! It is challenging! I’ve made some and they don’t suffice my own demand. I need to redo and redo and redo until one best one deserves my own criticism.

My next challenge is to reopen comment column in this blog but maybe it will also take forever to finally happen. I am not afraid of bad comments, so be it. I am just reluctant to reply to comments like how Michael Lai and Penumbra Haiku nicely reply to comments– those two are the only blogs I visit with excitement. As a matter of facts I am now having many pending comments to approve– I won’t probably approve them. 😁

Time to prepare some ingredients of what I will cook after work today.

once upon a time only the queen had the key to the old storage in the dungeon and she forgot where she put it

😊

Growth (ranting) – continuously updated for completion

Learning

This morning I heard someone said that life is flat when not comparing or without comparison. Do I agree? I can say I disagree; yet I respect his different perspective of life.

Most people if not all want to grow. The ways they see the need of growth are different from each other. Some people feel the need through seeing other people’s position so they can feel better or worse. I have better this. I have more that.

Some other people feel the need to see their own position earlier to see their progress. I want to be better than me yesterday.

Some others will need to feel either better or worse simply because they have or not have sufficient self esteem. I am better than others simply because of having things better in some ways and worse of having not.

The others don’t care, they just be. Oh! Some are peaceful because of being so accepting: empowered; the rest are probably being angry for not (yet) accepting: ignorant.

Which one is me? I am swinging between comparing to me yesterday and feeling either better or worse without comparing. Is that bad? And what is my target?

I truly want to accept whatever I am facing as it is. As…. It…. Is….!

Whether it is good or bad, I don’t evaluate through those two adjectives. Oh maybe I am to be the last type in a peaceful state: just be. But no! Or, at least not yet. I am a human being and I still want to be imperfect until time calls me to meet the Perfect Perfect — as long as I am accepting my being imperfect human being, I will grow (hopefully to the right direction).

I’m a perfectly imperfect one compared to the growth itself. 😊

So, do I still disagree with comparing? Yes or no? Paradoxically yes, comparing is the lowest skill of self evaluation if not the lowest skill of strategic thinking. Look at below samples of comparing to see my point.

Simple question: how can you compare Keanu Reeves with your boyfriend? Even if Mr Reeves is much better than your man, will he be yours? Even if your boyfriend is better than Keanu, will he be a world star? The best way is to accept that romantically you are into one man, while idolizing Keanu Reeves.

One more question: how can you compare a small company run with a simply sustainable system and make the whole population happy and content with a giant company run with a robust system and make the whole population proud and dignified? The best way is to see if either system is corrupt or not.

Happy weekend….

i am nurturing my tree to grow, probably to outgrow myself — i can’t even compete my shadow 😊

thank you for the reminder

Explaining Life Flow Systemically (ranting)

Learning, life, This Person

Living up to this age, I am still learning how to live more systematically while questioning if life shall be systematic.

As I deal with management system almost everyday, let me share how I see life as a structured process flow from one phase to another in a close loop cycle. Please note it is not always implemented in all part of life by me; why? Because I love experiencing life as a flowing river instead of 1-2-3-4 that feels like ordinal number sequence, it is fair enough to break the cycle rule once in a while.

What is breaking cycle rule in my version? Simply by twisting schedule from morning to evening, changing my playlist from jazz to Balinese rindik or Javanese gamelan to unknown music from instagram that I follow. That simple? Not always, sometimes I will just call my brother for 3 hours talking bloody unfunny jokes but still laughing together. I am boring because of not clubbing? Yes, and feeling enough with myself 😃

Perhaps because outside work I am a free spirit (in different way), rigidly binding me with too structured a way of life can make me suffocated; that’s why even (if) there is a systematic approach of management system flow applied to my life, I will still hijack my own system at certain moment to ensure that my life is a pleasant bliss, not a routine.

😃

it is not yet fully done, review in progress, debatable and not a proposal — it’s just a noisy mind of mine

💃🏽

Aging Wine (ranting)

Learning, Poetic, This Person

When this wine is aged,
Will it be smooth and pleasant?
Or acidic and weak?

If you ask me what I love the most about this body, without doubt I will say hair and eyes. I am given naturally pitch-black straight hair and deep sharp eyes. And now both really give me patience test.

My hair needs to be treated with more vitamin and tonic to stay strong and dyed (once in 4 months in certain part, not all) when insecurity comes for discoloured hair at the front left and right side of the head. My eyes demand glasses more often than before especially when reading.

Hell! In fact I can’t deny that there is a shade of insecurity of getting old. I understand aging is inevitable but when it changes some features loved the most, I am obviously offended….

My best friend and I often talk about aging and both of us accept and make fun of it. She is not interested in indulging her body, while I am once in a while so I will be the one telling her to keep the body relaxed and fit, while she reminds me to visit my physician and take the meds regularly. No, I never think beauty is the goal of physical treatment, it is always the health and comfort, while beauty sometimes comes as either a bonus or a consequence. And yes, I am against alteration of part of body for beauty; yet I respect those doing it.

Today I posted a photo in instagram and captioned it with two sentences about my fringe and insecurity, my best friend commented “camouflage is a key!” 😂

Hitting the core yet it is true! I will extend the coverage of fringe and probably have my hair coloured (maybe dark brown instead of black to remind me it is not natural) more frequently because I look tired with grey hair, while I want to look fresh both alone or with people. Someday though I will accept the grey hair sitting on my crown, maybe 10 years from now 😛

Getting ooooold. Congratulations! Wait until the time hits the age soon, Aging Wine! 😎

Rike, your grey hair (said they)…. i just smiled but then secretly extended the fringe 😎

my hair really tested me today: messy of wind and refused to be back to normal, stubbornly showing the world that they were against me!

Piggy Bank Relaxes Me (ranting)

Learning

Seems that the “Kiai Semar” piggy bank in my instastory has drawn hidden attention. My friend sent me a picture of ancient piggy bank saying “Are you still saving in celengan, don’t you have a bank account? Why so traditional?”

Arrgh! Should I tell people I save in the bank? It is something common to save in the bank because I need debit card to do all my financial thingy every now and then. How can I shop without debit card? And they think my debit card will just get impregnated with money without me feeding it? I am saving in the bank, my dear.

When said by a close friend in a normal situation, it feels ok. When said by a distant friend who has a rather unpleasant history, it feels rather ouch!

Anyway celengan (Javanese) is apiggy bank, a traditional container to save money.

What does celengan literally mean? Celengan is a Javanese word formed by celeng and -an. Celeng means boar or wild boar, –an is a suffix to form a word to be a Noun. Celeng itself is a Noun, celengan is a Noun to change the word celeng into another Noun with slightly different meaning. While celeng is wild boar, celengan means toy wild boar or a container in a wild boar form.

Why wild boar or celeng? As we know boar or wild boar is a family of pig. Maybe because pig is a symbol of luck, prosperity, wealth so people hope that by saving in a container formed like a wild boar they can be lucky and wealthy. I don’t think it is an original Javanese culture as Javanese didn’t originally raise it in the neighborhood. They got wild boar by hunting — remember the word “wild”. This might come from a culture where pig was domesticated and so became close to human beings’ daily activities.

By the time piggy bank is not in a form of pig or wild boar anymore. It can be in a form of chicken, frog, jar, etc including the Kiai Semar (a wayang character) that I bought in Kasongan, Yogyakarta. And the material can be from plastic, wood; while the original is terracotta.

Why am I ranting so long?

Sometimes liking it or not, I feel one word from one person can ruin my day in silence. It doesn’t matter, life is just like that. Why making that person so important that I get hurt by just random words from one? Forget it.

Thanks, celengan for making me even more relaxed after digging in the Japanese cuisine.

Weekend is here.

Please bless me with good time. Amen.

Have a good weekend!

ancient terracotta piggy bank for me

i wish to have a big one filled with gold — and some people will say “are you a gold digger?”

damn! if i am a gold digger, i won’t be here, i will have been in Japan married to the only son of a president of a company 😎

Loss of Hearing (ranting)

Learning, Poetic

My second time of “losing my hearing” 😁

I lost my Airpod (1st generation, my 1st Airpod) in 2017, someone robbed it from my backpack pocket when I was asleep. Bloody hell!

I lost another Airpod (Pro 3rd generation – the pod and the right earphone) left it in an aeroplane. Contacting Lost and Found of the airline was proven to be not a good option. It is not only that they failed to find my left item in the seat pocket; it is also that the way they handled the issue was not professional.

The plane landed at 12:15am Singapore time. I arrived home at around 2:00am and checked Find My immediately realising I left my Airpod in the seat pocket. Find My informed me that the Airpod was in Changi Airport at exact gate where I got off the plane. The next day checking, I found the the Airpod was not connected anymore.

So and so…. Long story short after checking and rechecking, it was not found!

Whoever found my Airpod with one earphone, she or he is blessed. Hope she or he enjoys using it and can find a left one to listen from both ears.

Next time I will wear it as a pendant in my necklace.

And one more thing: Find My is more honest than I thought it is. Thanks for being accurate although I can’t get my stuff back.

😁

new Airpod Pro with my name engraved (previously engraved with ♥️) + the left one from the old Airpod

Sense! Sense Beyond. (ranting)

Learning

(regularly updated for accuracy)

The way we see beauty shows how we perceive life in general. There’s no rigid standard of beauty. Each person votes beauty based on the culture nurturing him/her. The culture formulate beauty through space and time and unsensed dimensions with which it evolves and grows through the history of humankind.

To a female best friend a beautiful man can only be postulated through a man named Nicholas Saputra. To another a beautiful man is Keanu Reeves–this one I agree 😎. To another Jeremy Renner. To me a beautiful man can be as acceptable as a humble man is kind-hearted, responsible and healthy.

To a male best friend a handsome woman can only be described through a slim lady with flawless porceline skin and red lips like those modified ones from Korea. To another one a handsome woman is a Sandra Bullock. To another one is Rihanna. To else she can be anyone who is willing to accept their men the way they are.

In China, Africa, Europe, Java, Pacific definitions of beauty can be poles apart. Big eyes, round eyes, almond shaped, slanted…. Full lips, thin, thick, wide, heart-shaped…. XS clothing size, S, M, L, XL, XXL, plus size…. Straight hair, wavy, curly…. Etc, etc, etc…. Those physical descriptions identifying human body are blessings to some, curse for others; depending on how the bearers perceive beauty.

Ladies, you are all beautiful the way you are when your heart blooms genuinely. That’s what I always tell my nieces. And to my nephews I always say you are handsome and becomes super handsome with kind heart. Physical beauty will only be an empty box wrapped in fancy paper, no gift inside, no meaning but a space of living. Well-taken-care-of plain beauty with kind heart is a box of surprising precious gift well wrapped in clean paper.

Which one should we want? Any! No right or wrong. Yet to me –an-almost-half-century-lady– kind heart in a plain beauty is so much appreciated!!! Nothing compares to good heart in humble beauty.

😊

To dear nieces and nephews:

I love you. Be the light to your own darkness with healthy body and good heart.

Your senses are not only to catch what’s physical. Sense beyond! Beauty truly lies in a hidden heart.

❣️

this might be the only Coldplay’s song that I can listen to the whole day non-stop except low-batt ♥️ a biutyful alien I am!

💕

Home (ranting)

Learning, Poetic

There is a home
That no one refuses
Through series of rejection.

There is a home
That many dream as grand and proud
Through sweats and tears.

There is a home
That all thank for
Through blessings and trials.

There is a home
That one gets shelters and hugs
Through age and moment.

There is a home
That one lives in
Alone and together.

——

Disclaimer: a ranting from a head full of dreams through 2 thumbs — please read responsibly, beware of jumping contexts, connect the dots carefully

——

There are 3 homes that a Javanese should build within her/his life time. Those 3 are raga, wisma, buana.

RAGA

Raga means body in Javanese language. It is one significant aspect as it is the materialisation of life that enables life to experience life. There are senses only when life is embodied in this plane. There are emotions only when life experiences in this plane. And that life is manifested in human being body is the next level of blessings that make life live to the fullest as human being is considered the highest level of creature whereby lowest to highest qualities gather.

There are three layers of raga according to Javanese tradition: physical body, mental body and spiritual body. Which is to be taken care of? All, no exception as three are making the home.

This is the first home that should be built by a human being. Connection to her/himself is the foundation. Contribution to life is the pillars and walls. Dedication and devotion is the roof. The rest is optional.

Connection to self: with all the needs for survival, acknowledgement, justification, compliments and other external alignment; human being tends to forget to talk to her/himself, thank to her/himself, listen to her/his true self. S/he ignores the self as long as s/he feels pride and externally justified. I don’t say it wrong; yet based on my own experience connecting to self through honest conversation with my own self is the only way to realise that this very body is the safest home.

Connection to my self is a needed foundation to have more genuine and stable contribution to life. Not easy but doable—

Contribution to life: appreciate others, help others, support others, be genuinely kind, let go off others’ negative impression about self — and the like. I used to bear all those as burden until finally I realised that proper connection to myself is a key to my contribution to life.

When I was younger, I protected my ego and pride as if others would snatch them away. When I was younger, I would not tolerate others who behave slightly different from what I expected. When I was younger, I would not show genuine affection to others as I was afraid they would misunderstand me — bloody hell as if I was a perfectly beautiful or truest creature on earth 😝

It has taken almost all my life to be genuinely kind even to my own self. It took me brutal honesty and judgment and rejection and humiliation and disrespect from my own self and from others. Yet I am ok.

It has taken and will continue taking time to bring my self to where “the existence is as much as the non existence”. I will be patient with my self.

Dedication/devotion: complaining is one highest skill of many human beings where I am now living. I can say I’ve learnt this (new) skill here. Paradoxically I also learnt to be more sincere and to complain the least. The massive complaining vibe has taught me that the dedication to what we are doing regardless how hard it is is like polishing a stone to finally expose a gemstone in the core — I had verbally complained lesser and lesser until finally I can tame my self to not complain without and within.

I devote my life through what tasks assigned without thinking how much the contribution to life materially is as long as I know it is to enrich my and others’ life. I will continue doing what I am doing until I cannot so what I am doing.

💕

WISMA

Wisma means house or home.

Why wisma? Why not greha/grha (not graha)? Greha/grha refers to building, while wisma refers to both building and a place to rest.

So, wisma is a house that makes a Javanese being her/himself with those s/he commits to spend her/his true self in certain period of life time, to rest from all the outside world that might have degraded her/his being human. Whether the wisma is owned or rented, it is not a matter; the matter is it can give shelter and peace to the dwellers— both should be guaranteed.

What about being homeless? While some travel from one place to another “to find her/himself”, a home is paramount for all Javanese to finally go home; and being homeless is not a preferred condition. For common Javanese homeless is an indicator of disconnection (from self and/or from family/community and/or from environment/universe).

It might be a culture that changes over time. Young people prefer buying other things first before buying home. It doesn’t matter, they perhaps find home in those.

🙏🏼

BUANA

Buana is the world, the earth in particular as a nature.

When Elon Musk said he wanted to move to Mars, I could understand. This earth is probably not feeling home to him (and some people who know what is really happening to certain level of global situation) and so he needs to find a new home where life can be safer and more controllable.

The earth has been exploited and I’ve been part of it with my liking to clothing and paper books. The earth has been tortured and I’ve been part of it through the fossil fuel consumption and the craving of cheaper prices of almost everything.

What have I done to take care of this home? I can just do the least: using as least plastic as possible, keep my space clean and hygiene, use environmentally friendly products for primary stuff, eat organic food when possible, support animal welfare causes and plant more trees in my own garden.

Not so much I can do yet that’s a commitment to love Mother Earth.

💕

Yet I still feel dragged to be in those 3 homes. I feel like trudging with shackles around my ankles walking to where I am not feeling good and well appreciated. I am not yet prancing enjoying being home.

It doesn’t matter, I will be patient to this human side.

Happy weekend! Laundry is waiting 🥰

Salaam.

3 homes, 3 sources of freshness, 3 balancing points

Hold My (ranting)

Learning

Life is wonderful when it has ups, downs and plateau at the right time. In fact, time is always right at least twice a day when the clock is broken. When time seems not right, it will be right by deploying the right genre— prose, poetry or drama? Your decision! 😊

Realist: Stop drama now.

Me: Oh! You mean I should not use acts and scenes?

Playwright: She means no life drama.

Me: Ok. I will try prose.

Novelist: She means don’t be too much, my dear.

Me: Alright. I will use poem.

Poet: She means the content!

Me: Ahh! So it is about genre?

All but me: (speechless)

Critic: Hold my beer! I mean my teapot!

—

Ouch Call! (ranting)

Learning, Poetic, Those People

A stroke of a brush is how universe started. A surprise that lasts—

—

Certain friend is good at the same time destroyer of mood. I have one who can leave me“ouch ouch ouch oooouuuuch” for at least one week. This person loves ouching friends as an ice breaker but to some of us he has made it to the next level. This time he ouched me romantically, the worst of all my ouch experience from him. Call one “ouch caller”.

OC: Ready for a forced holiday? Have fun! Don’t work every night, just every two nights.

Me: (1st ouch) Hmmm ok, Sir.

…. Blah blah blah

OC: How is your romance? Get rid of him. He doesn’t even care about you. Don’t be stupid. You are not a door mat.

Me: (2nd ouch)

OC: What type of man do you want? Am I not good enough?

Me: (3rd ouch, but I have to say something) Hey, hey! Not a good time to talk about romance. Painting here and don’t want to lose vibe in the head.

OC: Tell me then. Handsome? Healthy? Rich? Hard working? I… Am… Everything!

Me: (Laughing like crazy as this person was very right about himself) Are you a sales person of your own product?

OC: Yes! And I’ve been selling my quality to you for the past how long with no buy in. You’re getting older and older.

Me: (OUCH OUCH OUCH) Ok, ok. I have to explain. I want someone whom I can be comfortable being with even when both of us don’t like the same things. Can you, Mr Cruel Oucher?

OC: What! Of course not! When I go to party, you have to go to party with me. When I go to the gym, you have to go with me. When I cook, you have to cook all what I want. Blah blah blah…. You have to do what I like to do! If necessary you should give up what you like to like what I like.

Me: (Still couldn’t stop laughing) You are not. You are not that right person. You are just my ouch person.

OC: Is he still that person?

Me: Yes.

The next is the most ouched one but probably the most accurate to describe a fact.

OC: Then you have thin hope, thin chance. Not compatible. You don’t even know how to party. You don’t even know how to drink except that weak wine. You don’t even know how to flirt. He might not like reading. He might not like art and literature and walking. He might not like biking. He might hate you singing. He might hate you writing. He might hate you touching your hair again and again. You are not his physical type of beauty. He might hate you with your job. He might hate you being honest and independent. He just doesn’t like you as you. Oh! So relief I could say all these finally.

Me: (OUCH OUCH OUCH OOOOUUUUCH and this will last long) You’re right. Very right. Time to stop your ouches, Sir.

OC: Then you still say no to me?

Me: (Mild ouch but I got impatient) You? I can’t tolerate a die hard nerd like you. You cook better than women. You manage money too well; you are stingy! You love your nephews and nieces more than anyone else, you won’t care about me. You work too hard. You eat too much healthy food, I love deep fried. You ouch people too much. Listen. Don’t call me just to ouch me.

OC: Ok, ok. How are you?

Me: Fine.

OC: Broken heart still?

Me: (ouch) Not really, just a bruise and scratch. Will get over it soon.

OC: It will be gone. For you not too soon though because you are not intelligent in romance. Be patient with yourself. (He was calming and that is when everyone likes him, a calm nice guy — unfortunately came too late after too many ouches happened.) Describe how you think about that person and let’s start the real conversation of today.

Me: My universe

OC: I want to throw up! You imagine him as a Chris Martin? Hahaha!

Me: Never heard of him singing hahaha!

Then we started to chat without ouches for almost two hours — a very nice two hours. A good friend to me is that who ouches me but still makes me comfortable with her/his genuineness.

Thank you! 🤝

Chris Martin is My Universe 😁

Disclaimer: blogged with this ouch caller’s consent with one condition “no exaggeration” which is not accepted like he never said “I want to throw up” and never said that he is handsome and rich although he is rich but not handsome 😊

Winning (ranting)

Learning, Poetic

You’re winning my heart
When my goal’s the same as yours.
After days of loss—

—

FIFA 2022 has brought controversial practices and surprises from the beginning. I don’t have further comments on those political, yet I am so happy with Saudi Arabia and Japan winning against Argentina and Germany. What a victory!

I wish they win again and again and those big names lose more to balance the celebration. It is just a game yet sometimes a game should be won by those who have been underdog. I am not discriminative. 😁

Twitter too has been so much more crowded with the euphoric tweets about FIFA 2022. Exciting, hilarious, entertaining, some envious, abusive, violent though. Yet how much ever I want to click a like to soooo many “sweet” tweets, I remember my promise of not doing so for some time now. Playing in Twitter is a bit scary, buzzers and scammers are freely working, sending me irresponsible messages; better play safe and observe only. Or probably just my algorithm— 🙂

FIFA! It’s been annual celebration for football lovers, refresher for bored routine dwellers. We, —our father, siblings, cousins and I— would watch the games through national TV station together even over midnight to indirectly cheer our favourite teams. In Indonesia “nobar = nonton bareng” aka watching together (at home, community centers, cafes) is very common to enjoy sports games, badminton and football in particular — many people will do wide screen with noises and costumes of real supporters as if watching onsite. Our favourite teams were Netherlands, Brazil and England so we would be the noisiest when watching them. Not Indonesia? Of course, not! We love our national team but they are not yet ready to go beyond the country borders especially with the current funny management. Someday, someday! 😍

In Malaysia now, yet none of the people met was eager to talk about FIFA so we just talked about annual holiday at lunch break while enjoying Kapitan’s biryani and tandoori chicken. Unfortunately…. Or fortunately so I fully focus on work 🤓

‘ll be in Japan next week and love to see how euphoric Japanese are about this victory. Hopefully they will show more relaxed look and behaviour this time with the excitement. So excited! 🤩

Salaam.

so happy to see the winner happy esp after playing against a big name

wave your flag, human! it’s not only religious but also joyous! 😍 like those Arabs in FIFA time 😘

clean your waste, human! it’s not only joyous but also religious! 😍 like those Japanese in FIFA time 😘

Stories to Revisit (ranting)

Learning, Poetic

Steps measure long roads
Where historians write stories
Tracking their own mind.

—

History isn’t about what’s written only but it is also about what’s tied to myths and folklores. Reading history books by ignoring what’s verbally circulated by people through myths and folklores is like describing a rose through picture: failing to experience the touch and the fragrance. People are always the actual sources of history— without them history doesn’t exist.

History versions are as many as heads on earth as all people have their own life history related to certain incidents in the world; not all of them though write. Many save their history in head and heart with different reasons— no time, no tools, no courage! My blog is my history book (that to some brilliant people looks like full of unnecessary complaints and cheap experiences). I love my history book how much ever people laugh at it. Hey! When people laugh at it, it means my comedy works. 😁

Salaam.

see you, Cordoba! this place is one of those I must revisit because of the history 💕💕

see you, Sagrada Familia — I stayed for one hour outside, not being able to enter the so much crowded gate, I will be back to see if the history goes on 😍

see you, Grand Mosque of Paris – I will be back to its historical garden 💝

London? I’ll be back! history is well preserved there

Impressed (ranting)

Learning, Those People

Life is so rich that very very few of disappointments to those sitting on top of the political “food chains” are left un-healed. There are always rising young nationalist scholars in non political fields that give us the people hope at least to this nation to just stand up dignified not enslaved by foreign monsters anymore.

I wish to live long enough to see those young scholars successfully materialise their dreams at the same time continue their journey as Indonesians no matter how much others pull them out from this mother land. God bless you, dear young scholars! Know your root. Love your tree. Bloom flowers. Yield good fruits in your strong boughs! You’ve impressed us with your intelligence. Impress us with your loyalty to the nation.

Right or wrong my country? Hmmm…. There will be time for that! For now, pretty or ugly my country. 🙃

New week is gonna be more energized!

Salaam.

—

thank you, Driando! I will love tempe(h) more and more!

hey! tempe is good but burnt tempe is ummm 🙃

You Be Jack (ranting)

Learning, Poetic

You be, Beloved,
Truly. You know not, I do.
One moment owns you.

—

A teacher said, “What’s the most important thing in your car?”

No one said anything but everyone had one’s answer popping around one’s head.

The teacher continued “How do you think about jack?”

Everyone laughed. One of them said, “Almost not functional.”

The teacher giggled and said, “Yes! Jack will work only in unexpected situation almost accidentally, might be never if there is no emergency. How do you feel if your existence in society is like a jack? And what will you do?”

No one said anything. Most of them felt denial, not wanting to be jack in a car.

The teacher smiled and said, “You know a jack is a jack because it is a jack. What a jack needs to do is being a good jack. A good jack is a jack that can function well. Function well when needed! Anytime needed! What if a jack feels desperate of being a jack just because the jack is never used? The jack will give up functioning. The jack may let itself corroded, lose its credibility and accountability. One day the car needs a new tire in the middle of nowhere, jack doesn’t function, it doesn’t do its job, it lets the car stranded nowhere until another car with a functional jack comes by….”

No voice….

The teacher said, “So whatever your function now in society, function well, perform your best, as that is some part of the true you. Everyone has one’s own moment. If you think you’ve been a jack in a car, don’t stop functioning because someday you might be needed and you alone are needed and that’s when you become a super hero. Or if you ever be a jack that is never used, at least someday the owner will say ‘I never use this jack but it is a super jack, I’m sure it functions well anytime I need it’. Ok, Jack?”

Everyone laughed, feeling relieved of having been a jack in different moment.

One student said, “What about if no one knows I’m a good jack because I never meet a moment?”

The teacher smiled and said, “So what? That no one knows we are good at something doesn’t mean we are not good. Why is jack mostly painted red?”

“To be easily found!”

“Yessssss!” Shouted the teacher. “Might not be the best answer but it can be one best answer to answer your friend’s question. Where is red? You still call it red without knowing why it is called red. You still call it red although you don’t realise the existence of red except painted on a jack in this context. You said jack is red so it can be easily found. No one knows what is actually red but all of you know that red is good in jack that functions only in emergency so when needed it is easily found….. That is red— a quality in you that is taken for granted because people think a jack is mostly painted red; only when people think deeply then the quality is a good quality! Don’t cover your red jack with other thing, it won’t be easily found anymore.”

“Like him!” A student pointed his finger to a friend in a red shirt sleeping in the classroom.

The teacher said, “Don’t wake him up. He is a jack in a good ride.”

Everyone laughed. The boy in the red shirt woke up and joined the cheer with his loudest laugher.

“He is a jack functioning well!“ said the teacher.

How beautiful the life of a jack is! 😁

(based on a conversation with a jack of all trades and other jacks who are waiting for the moment to appear)

Clear Sky (ranting)

Learning, life, Poetic

Clear sky, Beloved,
Calm blue where clouds swim, birds fly
Under the warm sun—

—

Javanese live their life with meaning and that makes them “effortlessly” survive even in the hardest time. They pin meaning to everything they experience. I believe Javanese are naturally philosophers whose communal humble life is richly loaded with wisdom; unfortunately fading away by the time.

Meanings easily recognised by most Javanese are those pinned to batik method and patterns. Historically batik patterns were works of art composed by either scholars from padepokan (ashram in Sanskrit) or the royals (king, queen, prince, princess or royal artists). In fact, there were few batik patterns created by commoners such as batik nitik and batik kawung. Kawung is one of the oldest original patterns of Javanese batik which has existed since 12th century. Nitik was born younger, approximately in 19th century.

Fun fact about Javanese king: aside from courses of political knowledge, leadership, palace management etc, long time before his coronation a Javanese crown prince must completely compose 3 works of art and publicly present them to the board of senior royals then announced the art pieces to people in the kingdom. Those three are batik pattern whose batik is handmade by him, tembang/kidung (sacred Javanese song) sung by him; and bedhaya dance trained to the dancers by him (a solemn Javanese dance performed by a group of dancers).

While batik nitik was initially created as secret codes by commoners to circulate among them classified information kept hidden from unjust aristocrats at that time or from the enemies (some historians said though this pattern was composed by the royals); kawung was allegedly created by a mother to dress her son who was instructed by the king to join his exclusive team due to his outstanding skill of espionage and balanced state of mind (again the historians said this pattern was composed by the royals). The said mother made a sheet of kawung pattern for him before he left as a prayer that her son could keep his current quality even after he later lived among (socially, politically, professionally) higher rank people.

*kawung* aka *kolang-kaling*, two seeds, four half-chambers (from Pinterest)

Kawung is the Javanese word of sugar palm (kolang-kaling). The symmetrical four half chambers in a fruit are used to symbolise balanced state among physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual. The clear colour of the seed is borrowed to symbolise clarity: of conscious mind, of conscious decisions, of intension, of purpose and of actions.

People also relate the word kawung to suwung that can mean emptiness: in this matter suwung is more about self alignment, absence of sense-driven wanting. A person in this suwung state in positive interpretation means someone who is already free from his/her craving for worldly interests, s/he is able to calmly and consciously prioritise among physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual proportions with no doubt or confusion. S/he is in high level of awareness of a “perfect” human being.

In Java region that kind of person is not necessarily a saint or a priest or a bikhu(ni) or a nun; s/he might be a farmer, a batik maker, a herbal seller, a taxi driver, an employee, a housewife, a leader etc, just whoever is willing to self align through what they do everyday regardless their professions. Not a few of them were “bad” people hearing the inner calling, deciding to quit their wrong doings and living “new” life.

At younger age, I met more of that type around us in my hometown. Now fewer and fewer people are interested to achieve that level because life pace is now becoming faster with the “tsunami of information” and life needs are “forcing” people to be constantly in alert mode with the high competition to “survive certain life style”.

Not much I can do this time. I try to breath more slowly, pay attention on shift of emotions through body reaction (my body will never betray me) then acknowledge the emotion whatever it is. Time flies like a wind sometimes like a storm, I choose to ride it, not to get dragged by it. Not easy but doable.

How light this head is after ranting!

batik ***kawung beton*** crafted by Mbak Arifah (25 yo), a mute-deaf female who never goes to school but is able to write and read – thank you, Mbak Arifah

Fun fact about the honourable batik makers:
- Once a batik maker pulls the “canting” filled with hot wax on a sheet of fabric, it will start developing lines or dots as the hot wax gets dry fast and block the fabric. That is why they work very carefully to avoid unplanned error. Correcting unplanned error is more tedious in batik making process compared to drawing the patterns with canting. Zero accident policy applies.
- Batik making is a highly contemplative activity (almost) like meditation. That is what makes many of batik makers especially those senior and/or with high quality artisanal works have good self alignment.
- Some batik makers don’t need to draw the planned pattern with pencil on the fabric. They are the highly skilled, the artist, the master of what they are doing.
- It takes approximately 5 months to complete a piece of two sided hand-made batik of 210-250cm long. Those batik makers also do household chores in between their batik making activities as they mostly don’t earn good money. If you buy hand made batik, please give extra dollars to share some comfort.
- Majority of batik makers are female. Very few of them are young.

Dream Home (ranting)

Learning, life, Map It!, Poetic, This Person, Those People

Dream home, Beloved,
A place where nature meets hearts;
Hearts warmly greet souls—

—

The conversation with a long lost friend came to a topic of “where we want to live if ending living alone?”

Living in Singapore was never part of my dream. A visit in 2010 gave me impression that I would die of hunger in a week with Indonesia salary. 😁

Now this city is a lovely second home; my impression has changed. I won’t die because of hunger but I will die because of loneliness if I stay single retiring here. I still can’t find enough friends like those in home country. There are three but all of them will retire in Bali and New Zealand sooner than me.

Residing in a landed property where gardening and backyard dining is affordable is a preference, yet I don’t have the luxury of living in such place here. And I don’t want to die alone in a locked condo found rotten after days or even weeks. Oh God, please protect me from such horrible thing. Amen….

F: I’ve always wanted to live in Ubud and it will happen very soon. I’ll open a spa with all traditional herbal from all over Indonesia. I’ll quit my job soon. I want to live my own life as me, no one can tell me to do this and that anymore! No bloody politics anymore! Visit me often! You’ll find my spa super special! I’ll give you discount! Be a regular customer! Hey! You once wanted to live in Thailand?

Me: Someone informed me about a good property in low price near my favourite hotel in Ayutthaya. Yet Thai have controversial life style I’m not comfortable with in a way. I’m too simple, sometimes too honest and can be against those status-oriented that I might not be able to adapt well. Not a true dream! Hey! Actually love to live in Kyoto!

F: You’ll die in three months after you complete second round of shrine, temple and ancient house hopping! 😂

Me: Dying of walking! 😂

What a refreshing conversation! And yes, I’ll visit her spa soon! 😍

Lesson learnt: Will only live with those I love and loving me where home is a real feel. No excuse.

Salaam…. 💝

gebyok – the Javanese teak wood door symbolizing the host’s living in welfare, peace and harmony with nature 💝

angkul-angkul – the Balinese gate symbolizing warmth welcome to guests and privacy of the host at the same time 💝

Lost & Found (ranting)

Learning, Poetic

I’m lost, Beloved.
This market keeps me busy.
What time is it now?

—

One friend said to me that I might be lost. What she meant by lost is I’m not as good as she is at interpreting ultimate truth and looking less than I was before.

If that’s the definition of lost then I’ve been lost since decades. I’ve never been truly right — or found? 😁

There are patches of time in life when my honesty is tested within. Am I loyal to myself? Am I caring about my own wellbeing? Am I aware of to where I’m heading? Am I aware of what I’m doing? Am I aware of the configuration of individuals around me? And am I aware of what’s beyond all these (divine entity, higher power, gods, God, universe, life, whatever you call it)?

Each of those questions should be answered at least “more than half yes” —let’s put 80%— because “full yes” is impossible except for those with high intelligence (not about IQ, intelligence is the naturally-attached awareness of being a well-developed human being). And when my yes is below 80% that is when confusion will lead to another confusion to another confusion until there is one question answered at least more than half.

If loyalty to my self is only 40%, I will have to shop for 40-60% outside in order to achieve 80-100%. I will crave for validation from others offline and online. Lack of self trust and honest self reflection is my personal indicator. Virtually number of likes, followers, subscribers, comments in popularity-based social media have become both blessings and curse with which external validation is quantified and a group of people are willing to do anything literally anything to be popular. FYI, there will be an alternative social media highlighting both merit and popularity, symbolic.id hopefully can balance popularity with utilitarianism.

If I care less about my well-being, others will have to take care of me. If no one takes care of me, I can feel sick, messy, frustrated, helpless, lonely. There was a period of 10 years of abundance that I didn’t take care of myself and that was enough!

If I am not aware of to where I’m heading, I will just follow wherever my peer head to. Good peer improves integrity. What about if I’m not aware of what kind of peer I’m associated to. With bad companions, I might excessively drink, abusively drug, irresponsibly sex around can be up to extreme of commit crimes.

If I’m not aware of what I’m doing, I might hurt myself or even at the same time hurt others. Hurting is undoubtedly. Hurting doesn’t always come through bad intension, it can come through priority. So when I’m aware of a priority and I unintentionally hurt others, it is almost forgivable. It is truly forgivable when I’m doing it right or possibly with a style.

If I’m aware of the configuration of individuals around me, it will be more convenient to map out how I do what I want to do to, for and with whom. Priority, target and impact become triangulation to be balanced of. Human interaction is important, yet I don’t want to give up my dignity just to get along with random people only for fame or temporary pleasure. I’m not that young anymore, I don’t mind being fun but responsibly and crazy but gracefully. 💃🏽

And if I’m aware of what’s beyond all these, I would not fall too low because of despair or fly too high because of pride. There is always a perceived limit as consequence of awareness about this ultimate power; playing water gets wet, playing fire get burnt, my freedom is limited by other individuals’ boundary that I have to respect. This is where many people think I’m totally lost when I’m lost; they think I lose control and/or give up humbleness. Nope! In fact I’m always aware that there is a limit that I can’t even accurately prescribe and perceive in life. I can only plan, not decide the outcome. In this section I have 100% yes, just sometimes feel jealous why this power never gives me full control.

So am I lost? Let people think the way they do. I just have to be alert when ALL or MOST of those questions have lower yes answer because that’s when I’m not sufficiently developed as a human being, I’m not enough self-well-defined.

When “lost” or more suitably “wandering”, I’ll spend some time to sit down in the middle of crowded mind doing nothing saying nothing just observing what all those birds and monkeys are doing; while breathing counting the time….

I love being me with dreams and wishes that might not all come true because of limit that can suddenly emerge. Yeah! You higher power that always meddles in my affairs. ☺️ Please always side with me. 💝

Ahhhh what is this? A long ranting after getting teased of “lost to be found”.

The Death of Traditional Bookstore (ranting)

Learning

In my teenage years there was one favourite bookstore in town, Nusa Indah (literally means beautiful island). There was no good library back then — school library collection was mostly classical Indonesian literature that I finished reading (not all but most) and scientific journals that bored me easily. And so Agatha Christie, Enyd Blyton, Karl May, and more local and international writers’ books displayed in Nusa Indah lured me instantly. Indonesian Nina comic books and books with weird titles would also do me some intrigue.

Until uni years that bookstore was still a place to hang out every time I visited my parents. Yet I was slightly disappointed when finding Nusa Indah name didn’t even exist in my last visit this year. It was nowhere to find. A big electronic store is now situated where my favourite bookstore was in. When I asked my cousins about its whereabouts, they said it was gradually scaled down and closed several years ago.

There is no more representative bookstore in town. Maybe because the city libraries have better collection? Or, people prefer reading e-books? Heaven knows.

Is it possible that people don’t like reading as they did before? Nowadays information is coming like heavy rain and they don’t have to spend time to hunt readings anymore; people just need to search in the Net and boom! all needed info is abundantly provided. When I was young, information was expensive, luxurious, curated through written media and hard to find like water in a deep well — we had to read as much and keen as we could in order to be informative.

Maybe it is time for traditional bookstore to die. My friends said bookstores in their cities are vanishing too. One good bookstore in Jakarta called QB was closed in 2006. Kinokuniya Jakarta was closed in 2021. Gramedia sells more stationery and school bags than books.

Time flies. Oldies dies. Let’s fly with time without losing wisdom and sanity by reading life. Yet stay young in heart! 💝

—

https://youtu.be/_z4Q7jddEKs

a very good book to read, oops to listen to 👍🏽

Without Love? (ranting)

Learning, love, Poetic, Those People

Love at the first sight
To what’s captured by senses
And stays in the heart—

—

One beloved person called me asking why I didn’t attend a nephew’s wedding party yesterday. I said I couldn’t as I’ve been physically “beaten up” because of an accident recently. After what happened, sorry and better be careful, don’t go biking at night, wear the right shoes; she started ranting….

“What are you looking for in life? Look at your nephews and nieces getting married one by one. They wish their best wishes for you but you don’t seem to care. You’d better find one man and get married and they will attend your wedding party with all love and gifts.”

“Not my priority”, I said.

“What is your priority? Your work? Your dream? What?”

It is sometimes annoying to be a single woman in a society in which marriage is highly appreciated and considered as highway to happiness. I feel so lucky for living overseas away from those caring so much about me so I can enjoy my life the way I love to. Many of my single girl friends call me now and then telling me how tiring it is to answer the same questions again and again even when they don’t seem to have problems for not getting married. We are mentally and financially stable. 😁

“Ok, tell me I’ll find one. I know you won’t want one like your last. Tell me.”

“Sexually straight and not abusive in any way possible.”

“That’s easy! It is just you so difficult! Sometimes you just have to give up your priority or your love. I got married without love and it goes well. Many of us do and it goes well. Know that we worry about you.”

Alamak….

Weekend still goes well. And I’m happily looking forward to another week.

Life is a mystery, and so is love. I love my life and I don’t worry. 🥰

the right place possible – Jun. 19, 2022/17:12

Woman – ranting

Learning, life, This Person, Those People

Woman is human being
With exactly the same rights as man to be human being.
All her decisions should be respected like man’s decisions should be respected, too.
It is not a privilege to be a woman like it is not a privilege to be a man, too.
It is a privilege to be a woman like it is a privilege to be a man, too.

In some culture woman is discriminated based on different things, but overall the discrimination is simply because she is a woman.
Don’t worry, culture sustains when human being preserves it. So let’s change the discrimination culture by promoting a non-discriminative mindset.

In some culture though woman overdoes her fight of emancipation that makes herself suffer with no gain.

There should be no fighting between man and woman because the existence of both doesn’t generate competition. It is a complimentary and supplementary relationship for one another in different levels or fields of roles and responsibilities that are agreed without discrimination, harassment or abuse just because of being a woman or a man.

Ah! It is good for her to be a woman. And I know it is good for him to be a man.

Stop ranting! Go rest. 😀

we can adopt a cat, a dog or an underprivileged child! 😁

not less woman by being not a wife or a mother with a child

I never be in this type of changing room but yes, I get it

oh, I’m not either of them but yes it’s my body and I love it so I take care of it

to those underestimating me, thanks for staying away 🥰

Happy International Women’s Day (ranting)

Learning, life

Honestly I prefer to name it by either feminine or masculine rather than women and men. It’s not about what’s attached between your crotch that matters by being a human, it’s about the quality attached to your spirit and contribution made to society.

So, even if someone is born a woman, she won’t be able to appreciate other women as long as she only sees the other women’s physical body measurement as the indicators. And by doing so, she does discriminate other women in the essence for having non-essential indicators to appreciate them.

Whereas, at the same time I see many men around me respect and appreciate women simply because they know those women have the same opportunity to contribute for a better life. Or else, they discriminate based on sex or even any other thing attached to the women.

Ok, let’s agree though to call today as International Women’s Day and make the spirit of anti-discrimination based on anything possible be rekindled.

Happy International Women’s Day to all women who represent the symbol of femininity and to all men who become part of appreciating agent.

from one of my good friends – I’m grateful male in my inner circle are those respecting women based on what we’re capable of doing at the same time having ability to laugh at what’s funny in reality e.g.: ladies parking 😂 oops! sorry, myself 😶‍🌫️

Harvesting Generation (ranting)

Learning, life, Poetic, This Person, Those People

Harvest is to reap
What’s nurtured from the nature.
Good plans might not work.

————————————————————-

Last weekend was one of the merrier offs. Meet up with friends in different places + online conversation with best friends did draw interesting facts about how they apply parenting.

I’m against those who consider children as investment. This mindset is broadly believed where I was raised. This old concept has poorly discouraged many of us to grow as we are.

Many children from my time feel that their success should be to fulfil what their parents want as the investors who often time consider financial support is paramount, not to actually use their own ideal dreams to contribute to society as an individual with their unique ID and personality.

No, I don’t deny how important formal education is for modern human beings. And so financial support -normally from parents in my society- should be highly appreciated by those who enjoy the privilege. Yet the financial support should not make children become economically vulnerable against their parents.

In the other hand children must know parents -assumed as the major or primary support before living independently- get old and need support in their retirement and so those elderly should be well taken care of. This should be a form of respect and responsibility, not an abusively forced task.

Good parents should know it is a responsibility to prepare children to be responsible human beings; good children should know it is a responsibility to support parents in retirement time. 💝

It is not easy to deal with parents who don’t give room or give very thin chance to bridge gaps of many topics. One of the significant result is these children fail managing their own future plans: losing the chance to work in a dreamed place, missing the chance to live abroad, getting married with someone they don’t love or being single for not getting approval to get married with the loved ones, and so on and so forth. I’m one of those 😝

When one best friend said she wanted her son to be so and so but the son shown his rebel, I couldn’t resist myself to not say “Do you remember why you are now still there?”

She laughed and said,”Ok, ok thanks for reminding me. But you are not married. haven’t been a parent, haven’t had children that’s why you can say that easily…..! You would be disappointed if your children grow not up to your expectation. You would never want them to live below your standards. They should be the one materialising parents’ dreams that are missed. What would you say, my dear?”

Damn! She might be right!

However, how would parents expect children to be what the parents failed to be? Don’t they think children will fail to do so as well with the same style of parenting parents copy from grandparents (who failed in the first hand)? 😫

Please forgive me, best friend. Can’t always agree with but respect your stance. If I have children, I won’t lazily apply the dictatorship or transactional relationship. 👍🏽😘

I thank God to be single in this situation although I have smaller hope to “harvest my own next generation”. I’m quite happy that my brothers (and some crazy good friends) allow me to love their children as an open-minded aunt cum good friend when they need to have fun smart discussions. 🥰

May all beings be happy.

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