I was born an emotionally sweet and fragile, physically weak girl but there was time when I became a sour and bitter woman.
This is my first time telling this openly about what happened to me in a 10-year period.
One fine day in 2010 I realised that I didn’t get my menses for 3 months and so I went to doctor who referred me to an obgyn. Around that time too I started sufferring from headache.
The obgyn did some check including but not limited to a USG. The obgyn gave me pills and asked me to return some time later. Long story short the doctor said I experienced an early menopause.
I was shocked and frustrated as I always loved children and wanted to have my own. I decided to go for a second opinion to another obgyn expecting a more relieving fact. Unfortunately it was the same diagnose.
Early menopause itself ruined my life, what made me even more hopeless was the way the doctors communicated to me. They said it amusingly “You experience early menopause, so there is no chance to have babies. I am sad for you. Blahblahblah…. Dadada….”
Of course I knew and probably they wanted to make the distressful situation lighter. Ya, some people are just insensitive with or without purpose, but I wish such professionals know their work ethics.
Starting that day I closed down my dreams of having relationship romantically because I had no gut to be humiliated for being an early-menopause woman and never told anyone about the condition.
I focused on work and spirituality like nothing else matters.
I was a self secluded woman who refused to open my heart even to someone who seemed to devotedly love me. I would throw sour face to those approaching me. It was not because they didn’t deserve me; to the contrary I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I felt less woman than a woman should have been.
I moved to Singapore in Feb 2013 with more intense work that I’d really loved. I didn’t make friends except with three ladies outside work (my best friends until today), the rest was just work, work, work.
I only met a group of fellow auditors from my ex companies for dinner when I had biz trip to Jakarta. Or, I would go to Bali at long weekends. And, I visit my mother occasionally. With my packed biz trip schedule no one thought I was but so tired that I had no time to meet others.
No one knew until one day one closest friend noticed and said “Sister, you always have a full-fasting Ramadhan. How lucky you have been, like every year you fast for 30 days without period.”
Note: a muslim woman is prohibited to do fasting in Ramadhan during her menstruation
I decided to disclose to her. She didn’t comment any but I knew she was as brokenhearted as I was.
In 2018 I went to a noble silence retreat in Bali with the purpose of calming down my daily headache that hadn’t stopped since the time I stopped my menses that became unbearable. The meditation teacher Pak Merta Ada told me to do a thorough check to my head, he noticed a strong heavy energy there.
Getting back to Singapore, I consulted to my doctor and she did what was needed.
No breast and uterus problem. No diabetes. No cholesterol issue. No uric acid. Just a slight kidney issue that was cured with just 1-month medication. But….
…. My prolactin was 29,000 in me. It was Dec 2018.
Dr Lee referred me to an endocrinologist and the endocrinologist said “There is a growth in your brain and let’s find out what it is through MRI”. It was Jan 2019.
My intelligent kind doctor gave me medication and told me “Be patient. It may take some time. But when you get your menses back, it means the medicine works.”
“I can get my menses back?!!!” I still remember how nervous I was saying that.
“Yes. The menses stopped because your prolactin has been soaring high even beyond a pregnant or nursing woman. Once your prolactin returns to normal, you’ll be back normal. But it will take some time. Let’s just do our part lah. Don’t expect too much lah.” It was Feb 2019.
I became so excited that I would get my menses back.
Months later my daily headache became milder. As an illustration I took 2-4 pain killer pills per day before for years and now I took once a day sometimes none.
But my menses didn’t come back.
I made peace with myself and committed not to demand too much. Yet I felt some significant shift in my behavior. I felt an “old me” re-appeared– the sweet me.
I wanted to wear dress so I gave up all my jeans. I bought dresses, grew long hair, put more lipstick again. I gave up my sneakers, moccasin and backpack then changed them with ballet shoes, feminine types of bag and jewelry!
The sweetness that evaporated found her way home. It was mid of 2019.
Gosh! I feel it a bit draining to write this. Let me continue in my next blog if I have the drive.
i focused on work and took classes and workshops of spirituality only to find that life is about accepting what is and sharing willingly; i felt love around me but didn’t know how to express it, i was afraid that my sweetness would be misunderstood as flirtation so i just kept myself secluded in that 10 years
i didn’t mind others showed how fun their life was, while i kept it humble and low key — i just wanted to feel useful as a human being as actually deep down i felt less and useless as a woman
only very few people knew well who i was either because they were in the same spiritual journey or they reached the destination, still i didn’t want to be close to anyone incl those knowing my inner journey
(RC Gorman’s work of art)
rike jokanan 
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