Tag: weekend

A date, Beloved,
Gives energy and sweetness
To life. A blessing--

Have a good weekend, everyone❣️

today i had a date with a good friend and her son in Thomson Plaza; while Vito the son was having tuition, his mother and I enjoyed our Korean lunch then coffee in Ya Kun Kaya

then i accompanied them to dentist for teeth cleaning before heading to Columbus for her son’s wafel and our french fries

Thomson Plaza is our favorite place as it is not far from our houses (1 bus, no exchange), it is where her son takes his English tuition, there is no tourist and it is close to Upper Thomson neighborhood where nice cafes and restaurants are located

About That Period (sweet memory) #1

Learning, love, This Person

I was born an emotionally sweet and fragile, physically weak girl but there was time when I became a sour and bitter woman.

This is my first time telling this openly about what happened to me in a 10-year period.

One fine day in 2010 I realised that I didn’t get my menses for 3 months and so I went to doctor who referred me to an obgyn. Around that time too I started sufferring from headache.

The obgyn did some check including but not limited to a USG. The obgyn gave me pills and asked me to return some time later. Long story short the doctor said I experienced an early menopause.

I was shocked and frustrated as I always loved children and wanted to have my own. I decided to go for a second opinion to another obgyn expecting a more relieving fact. Unfortunately it was the same diagnose.

Early menopause itself ruined my life, what made me even more hopeless was the way the doctors communicated to me. They said it amusingly “You experience early menopause, so there is no chance to have babies. I am sad for you. Blahblahblah…. Dadada….”

Of course I knew and probably they wanted to make the distressful situation lighter. Ya, some people are just insensitive with or without purpose, but I wish such professionals know their work ethics.

Starting that day I closed down my dreams of having relationship romantically because I had no gut to be humiliated for being an early-menopause woman and never told anyone about the condition.

I focused on work and spirituality like nothing else matters.

I was a self secluded woman who refused to open my heart even to someone who seemed to devotedly love me. I would throw sour face to those approaching me. It was not because they didn’t deserve me; to the contrary I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I felt less woman than a woman should have been.

I moved to Singapore in Feb 2013 with more intense work that I’d really loved. I didn’t make friends except with three ladies outside work (my best friends until today), the rest was just work, work, work.

I only met a group of fellow auditors from my ex companies for dinner when I had biz trip to Jakarta. Or, I would go to Bali at long weekends. And, I visit my mother occasionally. With my packed biz trip schedule no one thought I was but so tired that I had no time to meet others.

No one knew until one day one closest friend noticed and said “Sister, you always have a full-fasting Ramadhan. How lucky you have been, like every year you fast for 30 days without period.”

Note: a muslim woman is prohibited to do fasting in Ramadhan during her menstruation

I decided to disclose to her. She didn’t comment any but I knew she was as brokenhearted as I was.

In 2018 I went to a noble silence retreat in Bali with the purpose of calming down my daily headache that hadn’t stopped since the time I stopped my menses that became unbearable. The meditation teacher Pak Merta Ada told me to do a thorough check to my head, he noticed a strong heavy energy there.

Getting back to Singapore, I consulted to my doctor and she did what was needed.

No breast and uterus problem. No diabetes. No cholesterol issue. No uric acid. Just a slight kidney issue that was cured with just 1-month medication. But….

…. My prolactin was 29,000 in me. It was Dec 2018.

Dr Lee referred me to an endocrinologist and the endocrinologist said “There is a growth in your brain and let’s find out what it is through MRI”. It was Jan 2019.

My intelligent kind doctor gave me medication and told me “Be patient. It may take some time. But when you get your menses back, it means the medicine works.”

“I can get my menses back?!!!” I still remember how nervous I was saying that.

“Yes. The menses stopped because your prolactin has been soaring high even beyond a pregnant or nursing woman. Once your prolactin returns to normal, you’ll be back normal. But it will take some time. Let’s just do our part lah. Don’t expect too much lah.” It was Feb 2019.

I became so excited that I would get my menses back.

Months later my daily headache became milder. As an illustration I took 2-4 pain killer pills per day before for years and now I took once a day sometimes none.

But my menses didn’t come back.

I made peace with myself and committed not to demand too much. Yet I felt some significant shift in my behavior. I felt an “old me” re-appeared– the sweet me.

I wanted to wear dress so I gave up all my jeans. I bought dresses, grew long hair, put more lipstick again. I gave up my sneakers, moccasin and backpack then changed them with ballet shoes, feminine types of bag and jewelry!

The sweetness that evaporated found her way home. It was mid of 2019.

Gosh! I feel it a bit draining to write this. Let me continue in my next blog if I have the drive.

i focused on work and took classes and workshops of spirituality only to find that life is about accepting what is and sharing willingly; i felt love around me but didn’t know how to express it, i was afraid that my sweetness would be misunderstood as flirtation so i just kept myself secluded in that 10 years

i didn’t mind others showed how fun their life was, while i kept it humble and low key — i just wanted to feel useful as a human being as actually deep down i felt less and useless as a woman

only very few people knew well who i was either because they were in the same spiritual journey or they reached the destination, still i didn’t want to be close to anyone incl those knowing my inner journey

(RC Gorman’s work of art)

You

This journey is a quiet seating with
You.
Whether you get stuck or flow or flood, I won't leave
You but
I leave it to
You
Wholeheartedly.

this is me surrendering to

You

take me in your love gently like a breeze in a warm day

Dear River

Dear, River.
Flow
Freely
If you don't want me.
We'll see
Each other
In the sea.

sometimes i am not part of a flow and i am ok…. i will flow with myself beautifully to

You in the sea

You, Too? Or Just Me?

I
Don't know you
But know you.

You fly with the cotton candy
Around me in the sky.
You dive with the schools of fish
Next to me in the water.
You grow with the root
Beside me in the earth.
You are everything around me.

You run with me when I walk.
You swim with me when I play in the water.
You soar with me when I fly.
You are with me everytime.

You breathe with me.
You throb with me.
You vibe with me.
You are everywhere with me.

Everyone might question me
"How dare you!"
Every one will do to me.

I
Know you
But don't know you.

Only time will tell
If your signs are true
Or false.

Only time will tell
When we shake our hands
And say hi.

Only time will tell
If I know you
Or know not.

maybe it is just me living in my dream, and you are the unreached reality

💕

Journey

Journey's, Beloved,
A trip with destination.
Enjoy each moment.

everyone is leaving home to go home, by air, by water, by land, by soul, by spirit, by mind, by heart, by love, by any means…. just going home

The Master

Learning, Map It!, Poetic, Those People

The Master, Beloved
Shows me how beauty is made
And destroyed. That's life.

Ibu Tien is a senior batik artisan who has been my main source of my Yogyakartan classical batik collection. As a Javanese I never want to even sit at the same level with a master; I will sit at least one level lower from them at least when being in a frame. 💕 She is about 15 years older than me. Other then her Mbak Izzah, Ibu Tien’s daughter in law is another master of Yogyakartan classical batik

Mbak Izzah preparing my package; this stack was not one-time haul, many of them are those started 2 years ago — yes, one sheet of batik can be processed up to two years, mine was because some colouring process was done in another city (Solo) and some batik makers had to pause the batik process to go to rice field (taking care and harvesting rice)

Wukir Sari, Imogiri, Oct 25, 2024

Mbak Fitri is a master of “batik nitik” who becomes my main facilitator for “batik nitik” collection. She is the one introducing me to the senior batik artisans who dedicate themselves to this tradition. I sat down on the floor and made her sit at the chair although she strongly refused; my respect to this master although younger than me. 💕

Mbak Fitri’s artisans at the studio

Bangun Jiwo, Kasihan, Oct 26, 2024

Brewing Dream

Brewing dream, dear love
Is tea and water in kettle
And temperature.

tea leaf brewed with cinnamon this afternoon

chamomile tea brewed this morning

Slow & Steady

It' slow and steady,
Snails throw a party with me.
Everyone's happy.

look at how they party: slow and steady, they didn’t stop climbing up the plant but i didn’t see their movement but suddenly one was already up on one leaf — fascinating nature

Flow

Learning, Map It!, This Person

Flow, Beloved
To where love brings
You.
There was a steep rock,
You fell again.
This time it might take longer
To flow calm.
Believe there won't be time dilation
And journey will be just fine.

nothing, it’s just a flowing river enjoying her journey

🤍

Life She Wishes

Learning

Life she wishes is
Simple and easy
Only when earth spins new.
And it does every moment
She accepts each day.
Yet it doesn't at a moment
She looks away.

in which food is harmless and healthful

where compassion and kindness is strength, not weakness

when showing excitement is vulnerably acceptable

where dreaming is guided instead of discouraged

where balancing is an art well appreciated

in which different perspective is part of thinking

where nature is safely kept and befriended

where she can freely kiss the soul

where friendship is about sharing the light in the beautiful dark

where romance is a pair of old souls wrapped in young hearts walking in a genuine fun friendship

where living is here now, not later somewhere else

…. where awareness wakes up due to a light touch of the presence of a soft feather

Bloom Wherever You Are

This flower blooms
In a hottest day,
In a beautiful garden,
In a cold hallway.
It just blooms
No matter what.
Just bloom
And come what may.

my driver dropped me in the wrong gate yesterday and just drove away; he drives very well but doesn’t understand English (yes, he is a driver not a tour guide 😁) yet it was a blessing in disguise: i walked a bit and met these flowers on the way — beauty greets me everywhere when my heart is light

red roses in the hotel courtyard, tantalising colour

a pot of orchid, to the lift

Vantage Points

Vantage points, dear self
Splitting visions to see things
Comprehensively.

problem solving sometimes best happens when i see things from different perspectives

My Best

Learning, Poetic, This Person

My best, Beloved,
Is now here staying with me.
The self loved by me
Never leaves, never betrays.
Born, living, will die with me--

pho-bo for last night’s dinner with extra ngogai leaves is still the best

my host gave me pho-bo on hotpot — not the best, yet pho never fails me in Vietnam

chicken pho with extra ngogai leaves — good but pho is best with beef

Sunday

Sunday, Beloved
Repeats itself as a space
To explore for love.

misro = amis di jero (sweet inside, Sundanese language)

combro = oncom di jero (oncom inside, Sundanese language)

misro before deep fried

sometimes i am amazed with my ability and patience in the kitchen 🤪

put a layer of dough then put some sugar in then cover it with the dough around the sugar

grated gula aren = palm sugar

for combro the filling should be oncom but there is no oncom in Singapore so i replaced it with tempe (tempeh)

grated cassava and grated coconut, mixed

cassava, palm sugar in its original wrap, tempe

I’m Yours

Your heart, Beloved,
Is yours. We though share one soul
Bonding us for good.
I send love to your heart while
The soul hugs us forever.

everything looks beautiful when seen with love

this is one of 6 stems of orchids celebrating life before they dry out some time later, reminding me to keep sharing love and compassion until my existence changes dimension

thank you, dear orchids

Forgiveness (ranting)

Learning, Poetic, This Person

Forgiveness, my love
Blooms among showers of love
Coming out of love.

I became very upset yesterday after listening to some statements that in my perspective was sarcastic and on the contrary to what I personally saw. Most people laughed though.

Then what came across my mind was that person was trying to tell me secretly through a “townhall” that I was not the chosen one. It is normal to be excluded or canceled or rejected/ but should be with dignity not giving silent treatment; and with consistent treatment not “saying this here, giving hidden messages there”– personal or professional, that is not a right way to treat people.

My day was so ruined. What made it worse was a heavy rain came unpredictably that I had to travel longer from Johor to Singapore because of traffic growing jammed in both countries’ immigration gates.

But then I talked to myself last night. What is so special about me that I should be the chosen one? Why not accepting what was securely? Why was so upset to statements that might have been intended to tell me the truth? Hurting truth is better than late one, right? Or what about if that was just a way to tell jokes?

It took me long to re-digest the why: I was using the 5-Why method to trace back possible root causes with no result.

Out of the blue an iMessage with a beautiful song came from a Coldplay lover saying that it was sent to me because the song reminded that person of me. Wow! What a coincidence! Exactly when the iMessage came, I was playing exactly the same song sent to me.

And that the song reminded that person of me must have had a reason: maybe the quality of either the music or lyrics of the song is so me? 🥹

Why this song? Maybe the song vibe represents my “feeling good and like falling in love all the time”. Hmm…. This must be something.

I opened the Holy Book randomly and got another good vibe; a verse started with a sentence: “hold to forgiveness”.

What a stroke of good colours has been thrown to me!

Ok, my day!

I will do all my laundry and house cleaning chores today, cook my breakfast and eat it happily, then go to sleep like a log tonight then tomorrow I will walk 5 kilometers in the morning or go biking 11 kilometers in the afternoon.

Yosh❣️

Thank you, Gusti Allah….

I forgive myself. I forgive others. I forgive myself for letting my mind be filled with negativity about myself and others. I forgive others who have been so out of context or being ignorant.

What song sent by that Coldplay heavy lover? Here it is.

thank you, KM-san! i think you’re right that i deserve to be a heart full of love and a person spreading good feelings

i don’t want to give up; i’ve worked hard to shape a loving heart up to this level — will never let go of my true self

❣️

I Love Who I Love

Learning, love, This Person

I love who I love
With the least of what I feel,
With the smallest of what I give,
With the smile I curve,
With the breath I take,
With the step I make,
With the words I whisper,
With the prayer I hide,
With the biggest I can sacrafice,
With the vastest I can explore,
With the laughter I throw,
With the sigh I disguise,
With the decision I make,
With all I dedicate
In silence
Or declared.

title of my poem above is inspired by none but part of Coldplay’s Jupiter

That planet never stops inspiring me. Thanks, Jupe.

laughter is ripples caused by a heart who wants to tell stories of how life offers so much

i called my mom and could not stop laughing hearing her stories about anything around her: the cat, the relatives, the weather, the broom, the iPhone, etc

she is someone able to make a simple thing nice to hear and laugh at

i never talk about my problem with her and i consider it my job 😁 because her fun can only happen when she knows her children are ok

just by talking with her about how she argued with my sister could make me laugh hard and when finally she asked me “what about you? you ok?”, i would confidently say “iya, Ibuuu….”

i love you, Ibu — you are one of those I so much love

💗

I Love Who I Love

I love who I love
Through the existence of yours.
I am to comply.
There's only one rule applied:
Wholeheartedly or forced, done.

title of my tanka is inspired by none but part of Coldplay’s Jupiter

That planet never stops inspiring me. Thanks, Jupe.

there is one verse in the Quran that i could finally accepted when i reached 40:

arra’d #15 “and to God prostrates whoever is within the heavens and the earth, willingly or by compulsion, and their shadows in the mornings and the afternoons”

even when at the beginning i felt forced to accept what was, i finally found that i was saved through being forced while i was struggling declining what was

it’s like swimming in a river flowing sometimes so calm making journey so enjoyable, sometimes forcing and surging making it hard to believe;

just flow, my dear self

all is in the name of love

💗

Rebuilt to Break?

Learning, Poetic, This Person

You know, Beloved
A new heart being rebuilt
Is about to break.

the biggest tear is when hope is betrayed before even it gets to know what to expect

Generosity

Love teaches me to be generous
Of admiration and hopes and dreams.
However, fear drives me to be stingy
Of admiration and hopes and dreams.

You're a pendulum I'm hugging, Beloved
Swinging me from
Love to
Fear.

I know my wish won't change anything.
You constantly move to balance
Your own generosity,
And my imbalance is just a side effect, 
Not your fault--

I'm almost drowning,
Your stream is so strong.
I'm more and more deeply pulled
To where I belong:
A smile of generosity,
Where love is abundant,
Fear dormant.

letting go is making sure love is abundant and fear dormant

Missing Home, Always

It's humble,
Warm,
Spacious,
Fragrant,
Sweet,
Loving,
Beautiful and
True
As this heart.

My home....
I miss
You.

this song depicts how i love my perfect home to be — i miss Jogja

November, please give me just one weekend to be there then i will be a prisoner again until next slot that you wholeheartedly give

❣️

Be True

Be true
Being true
True
Self

Thank you, dear life for being so true to me and teaching me how to be.

I felt so heavy this morning. After swimming, I continued preparing a line of chores that were not finished last night. Yet when doing the laundry and some kitchen things, I was “attacked” by a feeling of broken heart and anger that didn’t seem to be from my own experience– I’ve been so in love and blessed recently.

I remember that what we feel is not always who we are, there might be others’ negative energy around us that with heaven knows what reasons the energy attaches to us. So I stopped for a while: talking to myself, talking to my best friend, posting some funny videos to my instagram then meditating for a while. And tada! My mother called me giving me some news about this and that happening around her.

No wonder I’ve felt so heavy and broken hearted.

Now I know I am not broken hearted.

I am filled with so much love and flowing it to those knowing how to appreciate it.

I promise to be always true to this true self and to those true to it.

May all beings be happy.

💗

Liberated

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

Liberating love
Makes her fly high to the sky
Seeing a blessed heart.

the ultimate love is that that liberates

listening to this song feels like liberated in love

💗

Saturday Night’s Wayang Show (Javanese Only)

Learning

Have a great weekend!

enjoying Dalang Seno’s wayang show (audio) while doing my Satuday night’s chores after some bite of chocolate

Growth (ranting) – continuously updated for completion

Learning

This morning I heard someone said that life is flat when not comparing or without comparison. Do I agree? I can say I disagree; yet I respect his different perspective of life.

Most people if not all want to grow. The ways they see the need of growth are different from each other. Some people feel the need through seeing other people’s position so they can feel better or worse. I have better this. I have more that.

Some other people feel the need to see their own position earlier to see their progress. I want to be better than me yesterday.

Some others will need to feel either better or worse simply because they have or not have sufficient self esteem. I am better than others simply because of having things better in some ways and worse of having not.

The others don’t care, they just be. Oh! Some are peaceful because of being so accepting: empowered; the rest are probably being angry for not (yet) accepting: ignorant.

Which one is me? I am swinging between comparing to me yesterday and feeling either better or worse without comparing. Is that bad? And what is my target?

I truly want to accept whatever I am facing as it is. As…. It…. Is….!

Whether it is good or bad, I don’t evaluate through those two adjectives. Oh maybe I am to be the last type in a peaceful state: just be. But no! Or, at least not yet. I am a human being and I still want to be imperfect until time calls me to meet the Perfect Perfect — as long as I am accepting my being imperfect human being, I will grow (hopefully to the right direction).

I’m a perfectly imperfect one compared to the growth itself. 😊

So, do I still disagree with comparing? Yes or no? Paradoxically yes, comparing is the lowest skill of self evaluation if not the lowest skill of strategic thinking. Look at below samples of comparing to see my point.

Simple question: how can you compare Keanu Reeves with your boyfriend? Even if Mr Reeves is much better than your man, will he be yours? Even if your boyfriend is better than Keanu, will he be a world star? The best way is to accept that romantically you are into one man, while idolizing Keanu Reeves.

One more question: how can you compare a small company run with a simply sustainable system and make the whole population happy and content with a giant company run with a robust system and make the whole population proud and dignified? The best way is to see if either system is corrupt or not.

Happy weekend….

i am nurturing my tree to grow, probably to outgrow myself — i can’t even compete my shadow 😊

thank you for the reminder

Thank You