graphs of my Universe
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.
balancing in any situation is what life is about
☘️
This song never seems old to me although I’m getting older everyday. It speaks to my heart as if telling me “never give up, love is what’s molding you & you know love prevails no matter what”.
to some this song brings romantic vibe; to me this song is loaded with strength & love at the same time – I can listen to this song repeatedly non stop until I fall asleep in a normal night while I’m writing or drawing or reading, now especially when imagining my mother’s face is my sweet moment after work
life is not always easy as it is not always tough to me yet sometimes life seems so fragile with social interaction that doesn’t go as expected; truly my mother’s passing has given me a new normal within me
then? life is like a pond to me, still when fish are sleeping and rippling when fish are dancing
if I am at my 50’s feels so much hollow in one part of my heart, I can’t imagine how children would feel & react when left by their mothers
dear Life, please truly let love prevail in the heart of those having little hope or little food so in the lowest point they still can feel loved within
amen
Sometimes something scary is something that we need to truly face. It’s a door that we must enter. It’s a book that we shall read. It’s a podcast that we’ve gotta listen to. It’s the very uncomfortable fact about what’s within that we need to unknot to fully see our own selves clearly and wholeheartedly.
I have friends, good friends, close friends and I know exactly what they like to talk about and what they don’t like to talk about. Some don’t like talking about money. Some don’t like talking about romance. Some don’t like talking about ancestor. Some don’t like talking at all, just making uh or oh in the conversation. And I like testing whiteout their knowing being tested.
I want to tap their mind that some things are disliked not because it’s not good, it’s simply because it’s not familiar.
Anyway after several times I will try anymore. What for? If they think it’s useless to talk about it with me, I might not be the right one to tap that part. If they think it’s useless to talk about it, it might not be the topic they need to learn or unlearn in this period of time.
Let the door open by itself. I feel enough to know the need; at the same time I come to a realisation that some people don’t need help to wake up, or some people don’t need to wake up that way.
😁
dear life, guide me to every door of mine, each of them is facing you — if all doors are open & what’s behind is shown to me, how beautiful the diamond of love you’ve given to me as I can see it from all facets of its cut
💕
As a Muslim I am grateful that someone prominent attested about Islam this way.
I’m not a religious one but I read the Qur’an and Sirah (history of Prophet Muhammad) with very little external guidance as I’ve lost some trust to the religion authority interpreting the teaching & causing distrust to the real teaching of the religion.
I might be wrong but I’m trying to seek what’s relevantly meaningful to my life from the content of the Qur’an and Sirah. And I pray that I’ve got the intelligence, integrity, ethics, humanity that’s wrapped as love.
Salam.
he might be wrong just like me but at least he is experiencing things from his own very hands to tell what it is
happy weekend, everyone
fyi, it said the videos are unavailable; not sure what WordPress is trying to do but both are about Joe Rogan attesting about Islam which (according to him) is totally against what have been described by the West
💕
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. 💕
Do you know, my love
Love has no definition
But that undefined--
this love is as old as the earth before she was born….
this love is as vast as the universe and non universe of which she was yet not born….
this love is as deep as the riverbed that has no end of the abyss that greets….
this love is as true as the love itself that has no definition as truth is layered and its finale is love itself
I just want to be loved by love that I love in which love loves love itself.
❣️
It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.
It feels….
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
terima kasih, Ibu
💕
Aku sayang Ibu.
our last video call
the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly ☺️☘️💕❣️
terima kasih, Ibu…. 😘☘️❣️
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.
Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.
Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.
Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.
ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video ☺️❣️
in Jogja ☘️💙❣️
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.
Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.
Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.
Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....
ibu, terima kasih ya….
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
💙
terima kasih yaaa….
😘
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."
ibu, terima kasih ya ☺️
There was so much time
When we were together.
There was so much time
When we were separated.
There's time.
Yes, there's still time,
Ibu.
ingat ibu….
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
😎
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
What's beauty today?
Ants partying in some blooms
For sweetness of life--
no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long
why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)
I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘
I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design 🥰
I've asked myself all my life:
Have you ever thought what this life is for?
You're born. You die.
You struggle. You cry.
You suffer. You rant.
You're full. You sleep.
You're fulfilled. You forget.
You're numb. You're silent.
If it's really
You that this life is about,
Am I really needed?
Am I really wanted?
Yet the echoes of the quest go on.
Your answers feel like algae converting light to feed my days with
Hope that you embrace me, with
Fear that it will end when I still owe you promises.
I can't answer it clearly until today.
It becomes like a love story
In which falling in love is either inserted with broken-hearted acceptance or ended with broken hearted let-go.
That I live for
You, because of
You, in
You, through
You is a journey between a lover longing for the beloved who might care but care; who might love but hate, who might exist but not exist.
Have you ever thought what this life is for? I said yes and yes and yes to
You, and for
You.
Guidance
Amouge, Guidance – it’s about you guiding me to you
bought it when in Sydney
slided the box out of the outer cover
one of my best gift to myself – a scent that guides
A door, Beloved
Your way I take to enter
The way of loving--
some people said to me directly and some indirectly “my way or no way”
my life is like one-way highway with no U-turn with which the choice is chosen by itself, go ahead and that’s it! when I choose my way, the way becomes bumpy and muddy and not safe,
so I’ve never really thought about my way
letting it be instructed through my heart and follow Life’s way
so when some ask “my way or no way”, I’ll smile and think
maybe those people’s life has been so easy and smooth that all their way is running without any interruption or alteration or even 100% negotiation
maybe
but I again just smile and try to understand while waiting whose way is winning
One, two, Beloved,
Numbers to start a journey
To the zero point.
With ageing I am able to feel the surge of high energy I experienced before. With broken heart I’m so thankful that I’ve got love in this heart. With thirst I appreciate how freshness of water cures me. With the stuck in the head I become more and more familiar that flowing is the only way to love. With scarcity I can grow sense of gratitude with even just a little hope in life.
It’s you. Yes, it’s you. None other but you that makes me. None other but you that puts meaning on the word me. None other but you that moves all this life within me.
How can I be feeling so detached….
If you are the one attaching in all my senses?
If you are the one behaving with this corpse?
If you are the one drawing a circle for me to circumambulate until the two dots meet?
If you are the one?
I surrender. I retreat.
To
You.
Lessons, Beloved
Learnt! She feels tired and dumb
And just wants to sleep.
I experienced an intense fun last Friday evening. I was about to check in and the machine said it could not find my name and so redirect me to the check-in counter.
Airline staff (AS): Ma’am, you are not at this flight.
Me: But I booked it.
AS: You booked it for another date?
Me: What date?
AS: October 23, 2025
Me: Oh Lord…. How would it be?
AS: (smiling, shrugging)
Me: Are there still seats for the flight?
AS: Please go to that counter and get further info, Ma’am.
Me: (heading to the ticketing counter)
Long story short, I had to buy a new ticket because I had 2 gifts to deliver to 2 people in Jakarta. I had promise to keep.
I bought a new ticket for a much more expensive price than the original one wrongly booked. Lesson learnt? Check, recheck, check, recheck….. Maybe I shouldn’t have had to book a new one. I should have decided to deliver the gifts through my friend; in fact finally I had to deliver the gifts through that friend.
It’s not easy to meet with famous people; it’s either I’m too cheap to meet them, or they are playing hard to get.
Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid………..stupid enough to call myself a stupid!
Lesson learnt again? I’ve got one round ticket for October to Jakarta. Still stupid!
Your plodding footsteps
Call me to keep this journey
To where sunrise is.
Wherever I go as long as I’m following my honesty, I’m meeting with you.
I’ve tried denying that life is just a matter of birth to death & struggling between those two, but no life is not that indeed — pain is inevitable but suffering is optional so I prefer put always lightheartedness and useful meaning to steps of life.
One day which is today I plant my believe more deeply as I also believe that this tree of life is not only one growing for a while; this tree of life needs strong & stubborn roots to support itself to the end of universe life.
Thank you for this beautiful life, Beloved. Whatever I’ve gone through is beauty that leads me to the reality of life:
You
Life list, Beloved,
Not about glory or lost.
It's what truly costs.
I used to list what I wanted to do. Every year I made the list longer until I stopped as I’ve found primary list that I won’t forget to make come true.
One of them is writing my own book (I’ve written with friends in anthology books) so I’m working on it.
Another one is having a home where family and friends feel the true selves in them. My first house was but as it is located not in a preferred place, I decided to make a new one. Working on it–
Many more and I’m working on all of them.
They might come true or not as age is not predictable yet at least I’m working on all of them.
Sooner or later
Amen
Dear, Child.
Look at the stars
Blinking their signs;
The shooting star
Burning their directions;
The glowing sky
Telling their histories.
Dear, Child.
Listen to the old songs.
See the old galaxies.
Touch the swirling dusts.
Taste the sweetness of comets.
Smell the expanding universe.
All no limit
But your definition.
Hug me
As we travel.
Trust me
As we wander.
Like I hug
You,
Like I trust
You.
Dear Child.
body and soul is like a female and a male in a marriage as discussed in classes of spirituality
in Javanese tradition body is symbolizing the female that is also the earth — accepting, submissive and intuitive; while soul is symbolizing the male that is also the heaven — giving, powerful and guiding
yet to me it’s not always that way; to me yes body and soul is like a mother and a child — the mother holding an infant (can be a girl or a boy) in a state that the mother is making sure the child is purely happy
I personally believe as long as the soul remains childlike, the body is not suffering — accepting what is is the key
about this life I sometimes don’t want to define as definition is a limit
and so I don’t force my understanding to anyone even to those I love the most because spiritual experience is very personal, cannot be forced, can only be synchronised through mutual journey
that’s why spiritual journey is called silent path; even when we’re in the same discussion room, the expansion of understanding might be different from one another
let’s accept our own silent path with no judgment
❣️
Notes: it’s my personal thought, doesn’t mean to influence anyone, a ranting of a life traveler
I buy your voice with hearing.
I buy your look with sight.
I buy your scent with smelling.
Some I buy with touch and taste.
I buy, never take anything from you for free.
Now you agree senses are currency, no?
A voice screams in whisper:
From whom do you get the senses?
She's in a daze
Again and again,
Failed in transaction
Against
You.
Let there be light.
Let there be light.
Light in heart.
Light of heart.
Light around heart.
Light through heart.
Light borrowed.
Light lent.
Light along this journey.
Light journey.
Light heart.
this heart feels the lightest when I’m riding my bike, exploring the greenery around the neighborhood
rain, I love you but please pause on just one day so I can either visit the water lilies in the river or tropical flowers in the paths around the reservoir
💛
Pernahkah kau diam
Dari hari-harimu yang bising,
Yang terus ambil kendali,
Yang terus mau terdahulu,
Yang melucuti pejalan sunyi,
Yang membuat hati lain tenggelam,
Yang mencabuti akar harapan,
Yang mengeringkan daun semi,
Yang perlahan dijauhi kelembutan diri?
Diamlah
Sampai hening.
Diamlah
Sampai ramai pun jadi hening.
Sehari tiada cukup.
Seminggu terlalu pendek.
Sebulan belum berarti.
Setahun baru kau buka pintu terluar.
Semuda usiamu,
Setua leluhur terdahulumu.
Diam
Hening
apa artinya waktumu tanpa hening? hanya bunyi tik-tik atau tik-tok — hanya suara dalam konteks tanpa makna yang benar-benar membangunkan dirimu sendiri
❣️
Life is just like that.
It is round, square, triangle
Seen from three angles.
Life is just like that.
Like what?
Like what I’ve never thought but I can handle it by letting go.
I thank Gusti Allah for making me a human being so I can experience being human who lives as an ordinary person, maybe less than ordinary 🤐
It is everyday lessons come and go. Some challenging, some lighter. Some are leveled up or completed, in fact some are repeated. Repetition of lessons means that a human being fails to accept what is favourable to now here and to let go of what is not favourable for the soiritual journey to achieve clarity about being human. I’m one of this that’s why I learn from all of you. ☺️
As much as I want no repetition of mistakes though I will accept life as it is, still with kindness. Kindness to whom? To myself and to others although being kind to myself might be a delayed kindness to others — it doesn’t matter, it is just about time or perception.
Photo: Yes, I will always be seen half or less than half by those who see themselves partially: either good or evil, not even a sweet arrangement of those two.
Life is just like that. ☺️
About a year, Love
Where you're present and again
Giving me all joy-
2024 was such a year! Thanks much for the one year teaching me again to warmly love sincerely with little to no condition: unclear hints that broke my heart. Life is not always about glory; it’s also losing to win lessons.
2024 was about sudden trips & data as professional breakfast & lunch. I see how fast I process biased opinions & immediately detour to the right path! Such a training by & for brain muscles!
2025 is about continuing my spiritual journey with the same foundation: singularity, uniqueness & humanity;
also about doing my life work with dedication & expertise;
sweet friendship with those that respect and love each other as best friend;
about enjoying long weekends in Korine Jati soon & enjoying longer holiday somewhere else;
about keeping sharing the blessings with those around me verbally, materially, intelectually & spiritually in moderation;
& knowing & loving myself again, again, again….
…. all genuinely & with light heart.
Welcome, 2025. I already feel your sweetness.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2025
dear, monkey mind
i don’t regret but it was the most painful moment in 2024 and thankfully i was helped by my life work
i love my messy hair that gets happy with breeze caressing it and my eyes that tell even when my mouth shuts
2024, thank you for bringing Banksy’s works of art to Scotts Road
Of thousands of dreams
Flowing, blocked, flowing again
With love, not anger--
Do I have many dreams? If many is defined by number based on Arabic rule in which more than 2 is many, I do have many dreams.
My biggest dream is to materialise my home where my family and friends will occasionally gather to chat around and to enjoy my cooking. My next dream is to travel to Morocco and Macchu Picchu with a loved one before I die. A loved one can be my best friend, my lover or my own self– it depends on the time, space and my final decision. The next ones are not so significant to share with many, let me keep them with myself.
Last night I conversed with my family about dream and there were so many dreams disclosed, from the mildest to the wildest. Then we put contexts on how each of us wanted to make the dreams come true. There were laughs and smiles and grins and opinions and feedbacks and compliments. We enjoyed teasing each other until finally everyone had to go back to each room for rest.
Those younger have dreams that I cannot even digest. The oldest of us has the mildest dream yet to me among all of us it is a powerful one: releasing everything before one dies.
Big dreamer, medium dreamer, small dreamer, tiny dreamer, meaningful dreamer, meaningless dreamer, whatever dreamer…. All are labels: do I care or not? I do care to sort who gives me labels: the labels are not important to me so I don’t mind people label me based on what they know about me but how they do it: genuinely or with prejudice, with anger or with love. The labels given to me is not about right or wrong, it’s about layers of my dear self. The labels given to me is about how people care about me based on their points of view– I can move to adjust the view or they can do.
My dream might be simple: having a(nother) home and that’s why I am called a simple dreamer by most friends but do they know what values I put into anything to build it: the design, the material, the character of the people involving in the projects, the prayer I request from all the elderly from my parents’ families, etc– they are precious to me. My cousin can be labeled as a simple dreamer just because she wants to release everything before she dies but do people know how life has toughened her that she has nothing but anger that can crack her with one soft touch and so she needs to let the toughness go to let softness embrace her soul?
Dreams can be used by people to label others. Some don’t want to be labeled. Some are ok to be labeled. Some don’t care with any labels. Those three are valid ways to protect themselves from cracking under pressure, the flexibility applied to glue the self together to walk the path of of dreams.
Whether the dreams can be achieved or not is not even the dreamer job to decide. I’ve seen dreamers cry, scold, die with dreams not coming true. Does it matter? No. The most important thing is the dreamer walks one’s path of dreams.
Whether labels affect the dreamer is another story. Although a dreamer says “Don’t label me” but one’s heart gets busy with false labeling, one is still in doubt. Although a dramer says “Label me I am ok” but one’s heart is still filtering the labels based on bias, one will be in doubt. Although a dreamer says “I don’t care about labels” but one still asks for opinions here and there without wising up, one will still doubt.
Yet is it wrong to doubt? No….
So?
Nothing really matters.
Just walk or fly or dive the paths of dreams, dear dreamers.
Words are just dust that cover the glass and so needs to be removed. Opinions and feedbacks are probably just judgment that cloud the view and so needs to be wiped. Evaluation is assessment is probably distraction and so needs to be thrown away. Forget it.
Me? I am a dreamer that walks my path of dreams, whether it is right or wrong, this mind will take the risk; whether it is small or big, this heart will contain it; whether it is good or bad, this thought will embrace it; whether my dream is coloured or black-and-white, this view will witness it; whether this dream is judged or not, I will acceot it. This self will only care to the words from those coming with love, not anger.
I am flowing, deciding to move on to what my dreams call beautiful: LOVE. I won’t evaluate others who only want complimet and agreement, I will be back to my consent of 2024: I am flowing quietly and calmly by knowing real blockage and debris so I live real although walking on path of dreams.
With your bless, dear Beloved.
If I'm a mother,
I'd be my children's student
And their wisdom guide.
I had a Sunday cafe date with a friend while she was accompanying her son having taekwondo class nearby.
Like usual only with this friend I can always agree to go out of my home at weekend except when I am really caught up with urgent work. With her (and her husband and children) I can talk freely with loud laughter without being afraid of any judgement. They are perhaps my closest friends here in Singapore.
One of the today’s topics was mother.
We know quite a bit about both of our journey of relationship with mothers. As daughter we had almost the same experience of dealing with mother: acceptance to be a daughter of a woman with very different mindset and nurturing experience.
Our acceptance to our mother’s love evolved beautifully. Both of us have realised how much our mothers love us and how much we both love those women called mother. It was just a matter of positioning based on respect and understanding. It is always about knowing what and how love manifests in life.
oolong tea, thanks for witnessing friends’ laughter and genuine talk
That she is herself a mother of two children has taught her what a mother’s love means. To me I experienced various conflicts and arguments with my mother until at one point I realised how hard it was to be in her position and how hard to me to accept the fact that I have to accept my position before her culturally, biologically and ethically.
This friend likes to share with me how she raises her kids and the vice versa, I also like to give case studies and see how she treats some situations. Among all married friends she might be the one I would like to be like in most situations, not all as we still have different opinions in some topics if I am a mother (I know it is just an if as I don’t even have a hope to be someone’s wife at this age). She is open to communicate with her kids and husband up to a level of sitting at a round table to openly argue about things; at the same time she has her boundary at which point a mother stops to force and at which line a child must respect parents.
Today’s was our last 2024’s meet-up. She will fly to Karuizawa, Japan on Dec 11 until end of year and I will finish my work before end-of-year’s home country leave for a short while.
This friend always makes me miss my mother.
Ibu, I will call you tomorrow morning…. Know that I will always love you . Know that I will say yes if you become my mother again in my next life.
💗
rike jokanan 
You must be logged in to post a comment.