Category: love

Humming Heart (ranting)

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--

If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?

The answer: humming❣️

Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁

Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.

Saturday is never boring with humming.

my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes

no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter

I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family

thank you❣️

time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me 💕

Not Sung

Learning, life, love, Poetic
Our language is language of the heart.
When it's not heard, it means
The thread is cut,
The line is off,
The connection is cut,
The songs are not sung
Anymore.
Thank you for this one year.

today’s conversation in the pantry is about rejection: without telling to whom & by whom, just possibility told tales by diners that met for just 30 minutes:

personal business project that’s not approved

library planned visit that’s postponed

afternoon tea invitation in Shangrilla that’s rejected

love that’s unrequited

story that’s not continued

all are one U-turn forced by life to meet the right direction

💕

Terima Kasih

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.

Terima kasih, Ibu.

what I can remember about you, Ibu 🥰❣️

maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu 😁❣️

Balance Is

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--

Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.

balancing in any situation is what life is about

☘️

La Vie En Rose (1-Hour Version)

Learning, life, love, This Person

This song never seems old to me although I’m getting older everyday. It speaks to my heart as if telling me “never give up, love is what’s molding you & you know love prevails no matter what”.

to some this song brings romantic vibe; to me this song is loaded with strength & love at the same time – I can listen to this song repeatedly non stop until I fall asleep in a normal night while I’m writing or drawing or reading, now especially when imagining my mother’s face is my sweet moment after work

life is not always easy as it is not always tough to me yet sometimes life seems so fragile with social interaction that doesn’t go as expected; truly my mother’s passing has given me a new normal within me

then? life is like a pond to me, still when fish are sleeping and rippling when fish are dancing

if I am at my 50’s feels so much hollow in one part of my heart, I can’t imagine how children would feel & react when left by their mothers

dear Life, please truly let love prevail in the heart of those having little hope or little food so in the lowest point they still can feel loved within

amen

6666

Learning, love, This Person, Those People

On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666

At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter ح the initial of the word حبل (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.

The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.

Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. 🥰

No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).

For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. ❤️‍🩹

Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. 💕☘️❣️

He & I Might Be Wrong, But

Learning, life, love, Those People

As a Muslim I am grateful that someone prominent attested about Islam this way.

I’m not a religious one but I read the Qur’an and Sirah (history of Prophet Muhammad) with very little external guidance as I’ve lost some trust to the religion authority interpreting the teaching & causing distrust to the real teaching of the religion.

I might be wrong but I’m trying to seek what’s relevantly meaningful to my life from the content of the Qur’an and Sirah. And I pray that I’ve got the intelligence, integrity, ethics, humanity that’s wrapped as love.

Salam.

he might be wrong just like me but at least he is experiencing things from his own very hands to tell what it is

happy weekend, everyone

fyi, it said the videos are unavailable; not sure what WordPress is trying to do but both are about Joe Rogan attesting about Islam which (according to him) is totally against what have been described by the West

💕

Red Bird

Learning, love, Poetic, Those People
Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.

it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically

it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly

thank you, ibu

♥️

Love Isn’t Faraway

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.

my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays

Head Bowed to Love

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.

It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.

This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.

No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.

I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. 💕

Forgotten

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
Love can live in a song,
But what can love do when a song is
Forgotten?
None but an old book,
Dusty and unread--

Life is just like that.

it’s ok to be forgotten as life is just like that

love never lives in a vacuum chamber; it grows with bias of lovers who mightn’t have known deeper layers of love that can only be clearly understood with the understanding of one’s self, never with anything else

silently I’ve paid attention to someone and how one acts in public

the last song has been forgotten so it’s time for me to truly withdraw – no I don’t want to get hurt by someone that I hope not hurting me (but doing it on and on maybe without one’s knowledge of hurting me)

it’s my last day of bereavement leave of my dear mother’s passing and I want to spend it with full relaxation, watching whatever within my reach for the next one hour, then read books on and off the whole day inserted with writing what’s popped out in mind & talking to families members who are still staying until end of this week in my mother’s home

I just want to rest….

Do You Know?

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
Do you know, my love
Love has no definition
But that undefined--

this love is as old as the earth before she was born….

this love is as vast as the universe and non universe of which she was yet not born….

this love is as deep as the riverbed that has no end of the abyss that greets….

this love is as true as the love itself that has no definition as truth is layered and its finale is love itself

I just want to be loved by love that I love in which love loves love itself.

❣️

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People

It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.

It feels….

Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter

It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her

terima kasih, Ibu

💕

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Aku sayang Ibu.

our last video call

the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly ☺️☘️💕❣️

terima kasih, Ibu…. 😘☘️❣️

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.

Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.

Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.

Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.

ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video ☺️❣️

in Jogja ☘️💙❣️

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.

I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.

Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.

Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.

But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.

Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....

ibu, terima kasih ya….

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.

you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone

💙

terima kasih yaaa….

😘

Ibu

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."

ibu, terima kasih ya ☺️

Life Is A Trip

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person, Those People
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.

I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.

While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.

He should be….

😎

someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase

someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me

someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked

someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap

someone who likes to sing under the rain

someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!

who drives much better than I do

he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me

who?

not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁

I’m gonna be 50 &

yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.

Life Cycle of Love

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
It never dies-- Love.
It sparks then sparkles; no end
But milestones to mark.

preparing batik for myself

will name this piece “life cycle of love”

Beauty Today

Learning, life, love, Poetic, This Person
What's beauty today?
Ants partying in some blooms
For sweetness of life--

no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long

why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)

I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘

I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design 🥰

Beauty Today

Learning, love, Poetic, This Person
Beauty today, Love
Is about about colours and shapes
Softly touch the heart.

as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”

at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter

today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours

There’s A Blocker

Learning, love, Poetic
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That everyone wants to be famous;
Forgetting that in different occasion he says all is love.

There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That you are untouchable by my love;
Denying that in different occasion she is in love.

There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That you belong to them and not me;
Claiming that certain human beings don't deserve the others.

dear Life, please give me what you call true love, not what is seen true love;

& life as light as feathers that can fly a bird,

life as deep as an underground chamber that keeps all secrets,

love that is free from any blockers except you between me and you

💕

You

Learning, love, Poetic
I've read thousands of poems
In which all lines are started with
You.

I've recited hundreds of them
With which all rhymes are ended with
A you.

I've waited for a sonnet full of love
Through which my questions are answered by you. Yes,
You.

Have You?

Learning, life, love, Poetic
I've asked myself all my life:
Have you ever thought what this life is for?
You're born. You die.
You struggle. You cry.
You suffer. You rant.
You're full. You sleep.
You're fulfilled. You forget.
You're numb. You're silent.

If it's really
You that this life is about,
Am I really needed?
Am I really wanted?

Yet the echoes of the quest go on.
Your answers feel like algae converting light to feed my days with
Hope that you embrace me, with
Fear that it will end when I still owe you  promises.

I can't answer it clearly until today.

It becomes like a love story
In which falling in love is either inserted with broken-hearted acceptance or ended with broken hearted let-go.

That I live for
You, because of
You, in
You, through
You is a journey between a lover longing for the beloved who might care but care; who might love but hate, who might exist but not exist.

Have you ever thought what this life is for? I said yes and yes and yes to
You, and for
You.

Guidance

Amouge, Guidance – it’s about you guiding me to you

bought it when in Sydney

slided the box out of the outer cover

one of my best gift to myself – a scent that guides

Gift

Learning, love, Poetic
A gift, Beloved
Wrapped with a curled pink ribbon
For all that she loves--

my life is a gift that I share with those close around me

my gift might not be expensive but it’s the best I can present

when time is up, I hope all that I love will have received the blessing I silently promise to share with them

♥️